Stupid Inventions

I know I’m a little bit late today at posting a new article, but I haven’t had much time to get any real writing done lately. I’ve spent the past week with the family and most of my time has been taken up by playing cards, messing around with my new backpack, and eating junk food. So instead of getting a brand new composition today, I’m going to give you a few shorts that I wrote when I was much younger. I present you with: Stupid Inventions.

The Nuclear Beam Washing Machine

World War II technology being used in your very own home! Very exciting, huh? Your clothes have never been more clean until now. The nuclear power takes out all of the everyday particles that get stuck in between the fibers of your clothes. The secret lies within the power source of the machine. That’s right! You guessed it, it is run by nuclear power. Radon beams get shot through your clothes. This purifies the cleanliness of the articles you wear. If the clothes come out glowing green, don’t worry, it won’t hurt you too much. If your cat that sleeps behind the washing machine starts walking around and sporting two heads, don’t worry either. Your satisfaction is not guaranteed. We are not responsible for your buying and using our product. We use parts from old Soviet nuclear bombs that we just bought for 20 dollars a piece. So hurry up and buy now!


The Pocket Chainsaw

No more lugging around big heavy equipment for sawing. The convenient Jeff’s Army Pocket Chainsaw™ can slice ‘em and dice ‘em like any ordinary one. No more sorry Swiss Army stuff like little old knives. Just pull the cord and you’re on your way to total carnage. If you’re at work and you need to cut a cord that won’t let your knife through it, then you’re stuck. Don’t you just hate that? Just whip out one of our handy dandy Pocket Chainsaws and you’re in business. The cords will scream in terror. Cut those hedges on your front lawn you’ve been meaning to get. So order now! Buy now and you might get a Pocket Chainsaw that actually works! For best results, remember to continuously refill your Pocket Chainsaw since the handheld gas tank only holds four drops of gasoline.


The Little Child’s Choke Chain

It’s time to discipline that little brat you’ve been raising as a kid. One pull from this handy choke chain and he’ll be begging for mercy! You may have one for your dog, but now you need one for your kid. Why, you ask. Because we say so! Someone may tell you that it is just a doggie choke chain. We tell you that they are not… lying. These chains are so good that they work on those nosy adolescents of yours as well. Wow, doesn’t it feel great to have power over someone who is only half your size? We take no responsibility for you using our product. If you buy it, that’s your problem. So buy now!


The Flame ‘em Tank Lighter

Flip the switch and off you go! The Flame ‘em Tank Lighter shoots a ball of flame up to 100 feet. Before you hit the switch to light up a cigarette, make sure you line up the barrel on the tank with your cigarette or the ball of flame will fly in the other direction. (This product is not guaranteed to fire in a straight line or hit its target.) You can blow down your whole house with a shot from this baby. Give them to your friends, they’re great for a joke! Order now! (We are not responsible for any damages or losses caused by our product, the Flame ‘em Tank Lighter.)


The Amazingly Annoying Beeping Watch

Beep…Beep. No more need to look to see the time. The Amazingly Annoying Beeping Watch™ will beep every minute. You know exactly what time it is when you want to or when you don’t. You have to keep track of the time in your head because the watch only beeps, it doesn’t actually keep track of time for you. Well, the watch might not beep every minute, just every 47 to 59 seconds. But that’s alright, because there is only 23 hours and 58 minutes in a day (whatever it is that those two facts have to do with each other). Caution: Watch is not water resistant, use at your own risk in wet or damp or mildly moist or even almost dry (but not quite) areas. Wouldn’t it be a concept if someone could invent something that will actually keep track of time (accurately, of course)? But until then, order our all new Amazingly Annoying Beeping Watch™. Our logo, “Annoy your friends, family, neutral bystanders, and yourself!” Buy now!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Indeed, it is the most wonderful time of the year. And for the record, I’m not talking about Christmas. Not that there’s anything wrong with Christmas, although sometimes the holiday does confuse me a tad. A fat man in a red suit with a bunch of elves represents the birth of Jesus Christ; I’m not totally seeing the obvious connection here.

But it is the most wonderful time of the year. With the release of two new next generation video game systems, by Nintendo and Sony, a new age in interactive entertainment has blossomed. However, there’s far more than that going on than just some fancy new consoles. In the past month, more has happened in the video game industry then perhaps the last two years combined. Let us take a quick look at what has happened since November:

Guitar Hero 2 hit the shelves in early November giving me some brand new songs to rock out to. Then we had Final Fantasy 12 hit the Playstation 2 while the remake of Final Fantasy 3 dropped on the Nintendo DS. And as you know, I’m a huge fan of the Final Fantasy series. Hell, I even own Mystic Quest for my SNES (bonus points go out to those you who already know what that game is). Then there’s Gears of War, Children of Mana, Disgea 2, and far too many other titles to name in the space I have here. Oh, and there’s this little known game called the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess too. You may have heard of it.

I think by now, its safe for me to confide in you. I’ve bared enough of my soul over the past nine months that I feel almost comfortable in speaking of my feelings. Almost comfortable, but let’s face it, I’m not exactly the emotional type. That being said, I’m not afraid to tell you that I have wept, on more than one occasion, tears of absolute joy over the amount of high quality content that has come out recently for video game enthusiasts.

There is so much out there right now that I do not have the hours in my day to play all the games that I would like. Well, I guess I could have worse problems. Like cancer. I mean, that would suck, right?

Since Christmas is only days away, I thought I’d give you my thoughts on the must have gifts of the season: the Nintendo Wii, the Sony Playstation 3, and the Xbox 360. If you don’t have one of these items on your wish list (assuming you don’t already own all three), then we just can’t be friends anymore. Hey, it’s not my fault that you’re a loser.

First off, the Nintendo Wii. Ok, I’ll admit, the name scares me. It did the first time I heard it, and it continues to this day. But there are some benefits to it. It’s very catchy in some phrases. Such as, “I’m going to go home to play with my Wii.” Or, “How come girls always look at me funny when I ask them to come over and play with my Wii? I’m sure that if they’d just touch my Wii, they’d love every second they had their hands on it.”

Nintendo’s nomenclature aside, the Wii is very different from its competitors. If you’re looking for the high powered, top of the line graphics, high definition, and all that jazz, then Nintendo isn’t pandering to you. Simply put, the Wii is pure fun. I preordered mine (mainly because I’m a huge dork like that) and it is truly the most fun I have ever had with a console (even my Nintendo DS, which I have been known to take out to a romantic dinner on the occasion).

Case in point: a guy I work with, who had previously mocked Nintendo for their lack of processing power and true next-generation graphics, had a chance to sit down (or stand, as it was) and play a few rounds of the Wii sports package. The next day he was thinking of going out and purchasing a Wii just for that game (which comes included with the console). In all honestly, once you get a chance to get your hands on the console and play a few games, you’ll have the video game experience of your life. And trust me, the best is yet to come. Although, I still don’t understand why girls seem so upset when I ask them to touch my Wii. I just don’t get it.

The downside comes when I turn the system on. For some reason, whenever I power up my Wii, I don’t turn it off until six hours later at the minimum. I can’t tell you how many days in a row I’ve stayed up until 5am playing on that thing. And that can’t be healthy. Oh, and as for the stories going around about people losing their grip on the Wii-mote and having it fly out of their hands and breaking expensive plasma TVs and tearing holes in drywall, well, all I can say is: baloney. Two Fridays ago I was at a party with no less than 20 people who were well intoxicated and took turns playing Wii sports. Not a single Wii-mote was dropped or otherwise inadvertently used as a projectile. And trust me, my shirt reeked of spilled tequila halfway through that party, so I know everyone was enjoying themselves on the liquor front. So if you break something with your Wii-mote, it is 100% completely user error. Don’t blame it on Nintendo. If a bunch of drunken idiots can play without breaking anything, I’m sure you can too.

Well, there’s not much I can say about the Playstation 3 other than the fact that I’m still not convinced that it actually exists. I have yet to see a tangible model. Sure, I’ve seen the creepy TV commercials that feature what appears to be a demented baby (with no actual footage of game play). And honestly, they scare me. But until I get one of these mythical consoles in my hand, I will continue with my skepticism. I suppose I should believe in the Playstation 3. I suppose I should believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy as well. But I don’t. And even if I did, why would I want to buy one? Last I checked, Sony was charging $600, a DNA sample for cloning purposes, the rights to turn your house into a nuclear waste dump, and your firstborn son. And that’s just for the console! Who knows what they’re charging for the games.

Nintendo sells their console at $250 a pop and makes money on every one sold. Sony, on the other hand, loses money every time they sell a Playstation 3 for $600. Just some food for thought.

And now we get to the Xbox 360. This is Microsoft’s second foray into the console market, and to be honest, I’m impressed. Even though it has been out for a year now, the system is still very powerful and plays great graphics, especially in high definition. The price is very attractive at $399 for the “pro” console (only a blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic with down syndrome would ever think of buying the $299 “core” console… and even then, he’d have to be really drunk) since it is a full $200 cheaper than the Playstation 3.

The real strength of the Xbox 360 lies in the fact that it has been selling for an entire year. The ensuing titles launched for the system since its inception make it very attractive, and it is far easier to get a hold of the console than either of its competitors. Gears of War and Dead Rising are two games I would seriously love to play in all their high definition glory. And best of all, I have yet to see the blue screen of death appear on any Xbox console. I would have never guessed that Microsoft had it in them.

So there you have it, my take on the video game season of 2006. And from what I’ve been told, Christmas is less than a week away, so you’d better hurry up with that last minute shopping. I hope the information I’ve provided can help you in that aspect. If the ones you’re shopping for have absolutely no interest in the above, then really, there’s no reason to love them anymore. Oh, and why you’re out, do you think you can find some girls who want to play with my Wii? It’s in dire need of some multiplayer action, if you know what I mean.

I Wish I Was a Sentimental Ornament

Did you see the game Monday night? I know there’s all sorts of exciting shows about “heroes” on Monday nights (even though I still say the X-Men animated series that aired on Fox back in the 90’s was way better), but how can you pass up a chance to watch Chicago play football? Well, I can’t. Living in North Carolina is nice, but one drawback is that network television doesn’t broadcast NFC North games (that’s Midwestern teams) in this area. But hey, Monday Night Football is nationally broadcasted, thank you ESPN.

So did you see it? Did you see Rex Grossman not cough the ball up a single time? Did you see Devin Hester run for two touchdowns on kick off returns (breaking the single season return for TD record)? And that is especially spectacular seeing as how on his second TD kick-off return the Bears had “the hands” team on the field. Basically that means he had the skinny wide receivers and defensive backs blocking for him, and he still ran the ball right up the middle and into the end zone. Not only is he that good, but after the game in an interview he gave credit for his accomplishments to God, his teammates, and to his mommy. Aww, isn’t that nice? I’m just glad to see that at least one person who came through the University of Miami’s program in recent years isn’t a total screw up.

But hey, if you want to know all about the football game, you can go over to ESPN.com or you can be like me and check out the story on the Chicago Bears official site. Yes, I’m that big of a Bears fan boy. Feel free to make fun of me. Also, Rex Grossman is my hero. Feel free to make fun of me again.

Ok, now that I got all of that out of my system (DAAA BEARS!)… yes, now that it’s all out of my system, I can get on with this weeks silliness. So, it’s the holidays, and yes now that Thanksgiving is over, so it’s officially the holidays. It’s the time of year for so many things: overplayed songs, fat jolly men, elves (when the hell did a Lord of the Rings character get to be a Christmas symbol?), candy canes, and last minute shopping. And I’d like to take some time to talk about the last one, if I can.

I’ve never been a huge fan of holiday shopping. Let’s face it; I’ve never been a huge fan of shopping for anything. Heck, I go clothes shopping maybe twice a year, and that’s only if a cute blonde drags me to the mall so she can pick up a new pair of outrageously priced pants. Have I ever told you how much of a sucker I am for a girl in tight pants?

But I regress. I was talking about Christmas shopping before I got waylaid by images of blonde cheerleaders dancing in my head (sugarplums are totally overrated). You know, there are parts to the holiday that are really fun. On Christmas morning, when you see a loved one open up a present and they are surprised and overjoyed at the wonderful gift you bought them, it’s just an awesome feeling. It would be great if I could do that each and every year. Unfortunately, it isn’t always easy picking out gifts for people.

Let’s talk about my dad for a few minutes. What do you get a man who already has a table saw, drill press, router table, and a planer? At this point in his life he has more variable speed power drills than most small nations, so I can’t get him one of those. Although, let’s be honest here, a man can never have too many power drills, that is just a solid fact. So trying to find a gift for him isn’t the easiest of mental exercises. But I managed to pick him up something that I think he’ll get some use out of… hopefully.

And then there’s my mom. Two years ago I bought her a book. To this day I still don’t think she’s read it. I have to cut her some slack though, since the school she works at made her head of her department this year, despite the fact that she and my dad will be moving next summer (yes, because having someone for only one year in a leadership role makes complete sense). Last year I got her some loaf pans because she’s a bit of a baking fiend around the holidays. And that doesn’t exactly do wonders for my waist line (it’s sad that I have to worry about that, I must be getting old). I moved away from bake ware this year, so I hope she likes what I bought her.

Then there’s my brother. Luckily he decided that we shouldn’t exchange presents anymore. This makes my job tons easier seeing as how my brother has always been hard when it came to the holiday gift giving. Upon hearing this, he quickly rebuked that he was not in any way difficult to shop for. Apparently he forgot all about the nine hour stalk for a winter jacket that spanned between two different cities, back when he was in high school. Let me tell you, those were fun times. And by fun, I mean they were horrible. I already had a winter jacket. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play my Super Nintendo (this was a few year back, you know), but no, I had to be dragged along all over the place just so my brother could finally pick out an overpriced, dull, brown coat. Thanks big brother, you’re really an inspiration to me.

Well, that’s the end of my list. Two gifts, shortest Christmas shopping list ever! As you can see, there are no females to shop for this year. Fortunately, I was able to dodge any and all relationship attempts for the past month or so. I think you all know that by mid-November you need to check romantic interactions and wait for the holidays to pass. Personally I think that between November 15th and February 15th, you should avoid dating and relationships. It saves you tons of money and trouble. And trust me, there’s always trouble.

If you happen to already be in a relationship prior to the avoidance period, that’s perfectly ok. Your girlfriend (or wife or fiancé or what-have-you) has sufficiently stuck around and put up with your crap long enough, that she deserves to be rewarded with a present. Just remember to follow the guidelines: no jewelry for the first year, no diamonds unless you plan to marry her, no puppies at all (yes I know they’re cute, but who do you think is going to have to clean up after it?), and you’re only allowed to get her a scented candle once (generally at your first shared Christmas/birthday/anniversary).

Oh, and just a helpful note. Your feminine significant other might tell you that you don’t have to do anything special for the holiday. Let me translate this for you, since some guys seem to not get the hint. What she’s really saying is: “You have to do something special for me. Because if you don’t I will be very hurt and will feel like you don’t love or care about me. And your chances of getting laid will drop significantly.” Hey, I may not understand women (and I probably never will), but you really need to trust me on this one. You know as well as I do that women tend to misstate the truth at times.

As for me, I have a pretty short list this year. I merely asked for a Gregory Palisade backpack , Final Fantasy 12 for the Playstation 2, and Final Fantasy 3 for the Nintendo DS. And if you must know, yes, I’m a Final Fantasy fan boy as well. So please, by all means, feel free to make fun of me yet one more time.

It’s All Been Done Before

Apparently everyone is watching this new show called Heroes on NBC. I don’t have much time for TV, especially at night, so I don’t watch all that many shows. But apparently all those normal people who do have time for prime time television tune in every Monday at 9pm to watch. So this week I flipped over to watch part of the show, in between quarters of Monday Night Football, to see what it was all about.

My first impression: I think someone owes Stan Lee some money. The story revolves around regular, everyday people who turn out to have extraordinary powers that they use in an effort to stop some future calamity. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that same storyline before. I could be that it’s been done several times in the Uncanny X-Men which originally appeared back in September of 1963 (and yes, I am that big of a nerd). It’s nice to see that Hollywood writers are being so original these days.

Let’s take a quick look at the characters of this Heroes show. One has the ability to spontaneously heal, just like Wolverine. One guy can enter into a precognitive trance and is capable of revealing the future. That sounds like Destiny. One guy can phase through solid objects just like Shadow Cat (also known as Kitty Pride). There’s a chick that can psychically get people to do her bidding just by talking to them. Heck, Professor Xavier could do that without having to talk. Oh and there’s a guy who can temporarily copy the powers of any other super powered being he is around. Yeah, that was Mimic, who enjoyed a very brief stint with the original mutant X-Men (even though he wasn’t a mutant himself, his mimicry powers were gained in a chemical accident).

Now I know that the X-Men have enjoyed a rather long career in popular culture, and I’m sure it would be hard to come up with a superhero that Marvel hasn’t already covered. But seriously, what did the writers do when they originally came up with this show? Did they get high, read a few comic books and think, “Hey, let’s have a show with superheroes!” Because, honestly, that’s how I pictured this whole thing happening.

And kudos to all of you viewers out there that are tuning in every week to make Heroes such a popular show. I mean, it’s not as if mainstream culture has looked down upon comic books as not only childish, but also as a contributor to juvenile delinquency and a factor in crimes committed by minors. Yes, comic books are destroying the minds of your children. But it’s perfectly acceptable to have the exact same storyline and themes in a television show. I don’t see any hypocrisy there. Nope. None at all.

There is one thing that is really bothering me about this show. This whole “Save the cheerleader, save the world,” line is totally uncalled for. I know that cheerleaders are very popular in this country and yes, we all love them. But when is it ever possible that the fate of the entire planet hinges on a cheerleader? I’m sorry, but I just cannot accept that. The studio execs are feeding on the baser instincts of their viewers by offering up this cheerleader style fantasy. I’m pretty sure this sort of thing in comic books is deemed unacceptable by the populace.

Oh, and the cheerleader, the one with the Wolverine-like healing factor, she’s supposed to be a high school kid who’s only about 17 years old. She’s also one of the few powered females of the cast, and apparently, the most important one. So they’ve dressed up a 17 year old girl and put her in a cheerleading outfit so she can prance around during a timeslot reserved for an older, more mature audience. I’ll like to congratulate NBC for turning out quality TV for pedophiles everywhere. Good job.

I think that the X-Men comics were a much better entertainment venue than this TV show. Mainly, I believe that the Uncanny X-Men were a much deeper and socially motivated enterprise than Heroes. See, the original X-Men comic book debuted in 1963, as I noted earlier, and coincided with the civil rights movement. Even though the original cast of the X-Men was a strikingly homogeneous mix of white protestant types, the relations of mutants to normal humans in the comic bore an intense similarity to the race relations of the day. The hatred and animosity that many normal humans had towards mutants is an artistic symbolism to the civil rights movement and to the plight of minorities in general. The comic series is intended mainly for entertainment value but it obviously includes much deeper social motifs. The TV show “Heroes,” however, is merely exploiting the superhero archetype in order to gain viewers.

I’d also like to point out one other quick reason why X-Men is a better franchise. Colossus could easily kick the crap out of all of the characters on Heroes. Heck, he could probably take them all at once. Not only was he the only mutant capable of standing up to the Unstoppable Juggernaut (whose powers were demonic, not mutant), but he also had a kickin’ Russian accent. This is why he is the coolest mutant ever, not Wolverine. Yes, I know that Wolverine is the big favorite and all, but really, he’s just overrated.

I mean, Wolverine is from Canada for crying out loud (or as I like to call it, American Jr.). Heck, I’m surprised that Department H never used the samples of his blood so they could recreate his healing factor in all Canadians as a part of their nationalized healthcare. Honestly, that would save the taxpayers millions of dollars every year and probably also provide superior healthcare. Hey, that kind of progressive healthcare plan worked wonders for Deadpool, it cured up his cancer real quick.

I do have to say one good thing about Heroes. It comes on right before my favorite show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip at 10pm. This show has everything: great acting, good original story, and most importantly, amazing writing. It is intelligent, quick paced, and very funny. The show is an entire hour long but I think it’s far too short and doesn’t do the show justice. Hey, it may not have any superheroes or 17 year old cheerleaders, but trust me on this one, I was 17 once, and those high school cheerleaders are totally not worth it.

When the Truth Walks Away, Everybody Stays

Let’s be honest with ourselves for just a minute, everybody lies. Everyone. You, me, your parents, your minister, and your government officials; they all lie. Lying has become so ingrained in the human conscious that cheating on your taxes, SATs, and family board games has become perfectly acceptable in society. Hey, if nobody notices and you get away with it, it’s not technically lying.

So why do I bring this up? Well, it’s due to the issues I’ve been having lately with women. Yes, it always comes back to women. Now, I’ve always been told that women want me to be honest with them. And this I believed to be true. But as it turns out, as with most of your preconceptions with women, this is completely false. Women prefer being lied to. It’s true, they don’t want honesty. Case in point:

The other day I was talking with some of the girls I know in my never ending quest to discover what actually takes place in the female mind. The talk turned towards relationships, and being that I’m a single guy, the girls thought there was something wrong with me that they needed to fix by finding me a girlfriend. Girls are just crazy like that. So they asked me what I was looking for in a woman. I though about it for a few moments and replied that it would be nice to have a girl that was into threesomes.

Now I didn’t know that there was a wrong answer to a question based solely on opinion, but apparently that was the wrong answer. Now I know what you’re thinking, you think I’m some sort of perverted pig. Well, I won’t argue with you there. But I do want to point out what should be relatively obvious: I’m single, I’m not looking for a serious relationship, and by saying I’m looking for a girl who’s into threesomes, I’m merely looking for a fairly laid back relationship that’s more about enjoying the here and now rather than planning for the future.

Even with those observably palpable facts, I still said the wrong thing. Even if it was the truth, it was wrong. The girls I was talking were clearly upset. After some time thinking it over, I really do believe that they wanted me to lie to them. They would have preferred an affable falsehood wrapped up in a bowtie of white lies. I should have said something along the lines of: I’m looking for a girl who is not only attractive, but intelligent and witty, and has a wonderful personality that really completes me.

Honestly, I have no idea what the hell that means, but it seems like the sort of thing girls go for. What does “she completes me” even mean? Well, if I had lots of money I’d feel pretty complete. Maybe that means I should date a rich woman. But I can’t say that, because it’s the truth. I would need a much more innocent sounding lie. So how about… I really don’t care how much money a girl has, it’s what’s inside that counts the most. (WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HAHAHAHAHA. Wow, I bet you actually believed that for a moment, didn’t you? Wow.)

Why is it that women prefer lies to the actual, factual truth? Looking back on things I realize that every time I have ever been up front and honest with a woman, I have pissed her off. But then when I lie to them and tell them what I think they want to hear, they end up feeling really good about themselves. Now if I were a simpler animal, one that only responds to the rewards and punishments given to him, I would lie my ass off every chance I got. Luckily, I’m a rational being capable of much more complex and philosophical thought. And all the writings of Sophocles and Plato and Voltaire lead me to one conclusion: Women are batty.

After long nights of introspection and deep cerebral thought, I think I may have solved the conundrum. Women don’t necessarily want to be lied to; they just want the physical reality to shift to a point where it lines up with their ideal world. This means that women want you to be thoughtful and dependable and caring (and let’s be honest, those aren’t exactly your strong suits). They want you to enjoy the chick flick they dragged you out to since it would indicate that you were in touch with your feelings. So next time you are forced to see one of those less-than-Schwarzenegger movies be prepared to tell her afterwards that you thought the movie was deep and that you felt a real emotional connection with the characters. That’s a good lie to use. Don’t tell her the truth; that the movie needed more explosions and lesbian scenes. That’s just asking for trouble.

I think it’s about time we started giving women what they want. The females in this country have had to endure a lot. They have to fight constant sexism at work to get paid 80% of what their male counterparts do, only to come home to a husband/boyfriend who doesn’t always appreciate them. So it is time we did something nice for our women. As I’ve so logically pointed out, women really and truly want to be lied to. So we all need to make a concerted effort to lie to the women in our lives. Tell as many fibs and untruths as you can. Your woman will thank you for it.

I’m sure all you women out there are reading this and are positively upset. You think you want the truth, but that is untrue. Just remember that your words are cheap. It doesn’t matter if you say you want honestly and forthrightness. Guys are more motivated more by your actions than by your words. When you punish a man for being honest and reward him for lying, you drive his behavior. And then you wonder why every guy you ever dated was a lying scum-bucket.

The way I see it, women can’t be upset when I lie to them. They lie to me everyday. They tell me they want guys to be honest, when in reality, they are much happier when they get dishonesty. Women tell me they want a nice guy, and then they always go out of their way to date a complete jerk (the reasons behind this are many and varied and are well beyond the scope of this article). As we can see, women themselves are quite adept at lying, so you shouldn’t ever feel bad about being dishonest with one. Just remember, women want you to lie. And if they ever discover the truth behind your lie, lie even more to cover it up. It’s what they want.

I’m sure now that women out there are loath to date me. And I’m even more sure that I won’t be finding a girl who’s into threesomes any time soon. But that’s ok. I was able to secure a brand new Nintendo Wii at launch just over a week ago. Let me tell you, it is awesome. I really don’t need a woman to take up my time and to pull me away from The Legend of Zelda, The Twilight Princess. In all honesty, video games are much more important than women. And that is the candid truth.

Unga Bunga, Winter is Supposed to Be Cold

Well, I’m posting this article a little bit early this week. This is because I have to leave early on Tuesday morning to catch my flight to Georgia. I’m off to visit the family for Thanksgiving. It should be tons of fun and I’m really looking forward to it. Mostly I was looking forward to showing off my brand new Nintendo Wii since I preordered mine, and my brother didn’t. But my mom, being the wonderfully kind and loving lady that she is, went to several different stores and by sheer karma was able to purchase the last of only three at a local K-mart for my brother. Well, since I don’t have bragging rights, I guess I can still beat up on him in some Wii boxing.

But here in North Carolina, I’m currently having huge problem with the weather. Just a few days ago it was freezing cold. But now it’s actually somewhat warm outside. It’s the middle of November, it’s not supposed to be 70 frigging degrees! Unfortunately, I have no control over the elements. The warm weather of summer was nice and all, but I’m ready for the winter months. I’ve already pulled out all my sweaters and long sleeved t-shirts, but I can’t wear any of them if it doesn’t get cold again. I really just wish the weather around here would make up its mind.

Mainly though, I wish it would get cold and stay cold. You see, I’m a warm natured person and I have a very hard time getting to sleep if I’m too hot. So during the summer time I have to leave my air conditioning on almost at full blast. But during the winter I don’t even touch the heater. I just like to bask in the coolness of the season. That and it gives me a good excuse to wear my Hugh Hefner smoking jacket, which is a perfect substitute for a robe and is oh-so comfortable. It also does a good job making me look stylish and sophisticated. I’m not exactly a man of fashion, so any help I can get on that front, I will gladly take. Besides, who doesn’t want to be like Hef? The guy owns the Playboy mansion. Need I say more?

Beyond that, I live on the third floor of my apartment building. And as we all know, heat rises, which is diametrically opposite of the president’s approval ratings (bonus points to you if you know the correct meaning of the word “diametrically”). So that means during the winter heat generated on the first and second floors creeps up to my apartment. This make my place somewhat heated even if I don’t turn on the hot air. I like it because I enjoy saving money on my energy bill. And thanks to our wonderful friends in OPEC and those SUV-driving soccer moms, energy isn’t exactly cheap these days.

Now, it doesn’t always stay warm at my apartment when I leave the heat off. When it’s freezing outside, it is very cold inside as well. And I’m fine with that. I happen to be a huge cheapskate, so whatever money I can save by not using the heat then I’ll gladly take it. I also only buy groceries when they’re on sale, which leaves me with a rather interesting collection of corndogs and Lean Cuisine meals in my freezer. I don’t really care if the food is healthy or not, as long as it’s “buy one get one free,” I’m all over it.

Being cold has never really bothered me. The cavemen didn’t have heat, and they did just fine. In fact, I have this theory that I’m actually a step backwards in evolution from normal humans. That would make me closer in relation to the cavemen then the rest of society. I know it sounds silly, but let me assure you that I have plenty of evidence to support this theory of mine. Mainly, I have hair on my knuckles. Well, not just my knuckles, but my toes too. And it’s not just peach fuzz, its bonafide Neanderthal-esque hair. Before you get all grossed out, let me assuage your fears by letting you know that it is neither scary nor freaky. It’s just hairy.

You would think being a not quite fully developed homo-sapiens would make me some sort of social pariah. But this is not the case. I am fortunate to be on the same level as many famous and well respected contemporaries such as: Captain Caveman and the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. And that’s pretty good company if you ask me.

Unfortunately there is a downside to being a caveman. Congress is talking about passing an act that would specifically forbid cavemen from producing any offspring. Apparently they don’t want me to pass on my de-evolved genetic material to pollute the future gene pool. My name has been specifically mentioned in the proceedings. Honestly, I think they just fear me and my awesomeness. Nevertheless, the national government seems to want to get up close and personal with my reproductive habits, and that is just wrong. I mean, it’s genetic profiling. That’s just not cool.

But the negative sentiment doesn’t end there. Nope, there are plenty of people in this society who have something against the caveman. I try to tune it out, but it’s hard to do sometimes. GEICO has been airing commercials for a while now that are purposefully malicious to those that are less than sapiens. You shouldn’t make fun of us like that. I may just be a simple caveman. Your ways frighten and confuse me. But I do know when something is spiteful like that. And it hurts my feelings.

If you buy your auto insurance through GEICO then shame on you. You’re actively supporting this unsolicited bigotry and it has to stop. I have already tried unsuccessfully to get a petition signed to have the bureaucratic insurer to cease their current line of advertising. Unfortunately, using cave drawings as a signed petition isn’t very popular these days. None of my supporters could find the cave I was using for the petition and so I didn’t receive any signatures. But don’t you worry one little bit. I have plenty of other options at my disposal.

Apparently, you can use this internet thing to send messages directly to a person or a company. And if you send lots and lots of messages all at the same time, it will slow the company’s internet access tremendously. It seems that this can seriously hurt a business’ ability to operate and will upset many of its employees. I think maybe I should flood GEICO with these electronic messages asking them to stop their recent advertising campaign. “Emailing spam, so easy to do even a caveman can do it!”

Well, chances are I’m already in Georgia by now. While you’re reading this, I’m probably enjoying some wonderful time with my family that I haven’t seen in many months. In all truthfulness, I’ll probably spend all of my time playing on my brother’s Nintendo Wii and ignoring anyone or anything that’s not on the TV screen. I’m sure I’ll take a break now and then to get my hands on some homemade cookies and fudge. Maybe I’ll grab some turkey and stuffing too. Choices are so hard to make sometimes. And to think, I’m the good son… at least that’s what I keep telling myself. Here’s to hoping you’re having a wonderful holiday!

Jeff, the Legend

Over the past month or so I’ve reconnected with some of my old college mates. I would quickly like to point out, that I haven’t been out of college that long, a little over a year at this point. After talking with several guys I used to hang out with, and with some of the kids who are still in school, it has become apparent to me that I left something of a legacy behind. Apparently, word of my collegiate deeds has spread and I have become a legend. Here I will regale you with the various tales that have accrued to award me with this title.

How does one become a legend? Well first we have to look at what traits the college student admires. Surprisingly, grade point average and responsibility don’t rank very high on the list. Not so surprising is that I don’t exactly place legendary in either one of those categories. The thing I’m most capable at is drinking. And I think we all know how much those college kids love to drink. In fact, I’m so capable at drinking that I managed to get my name put on the wall of my favorite bar by drinking over 200 documented beers. You only need to drink 100 beers to get your name on the wall there, but I’m just so committed that I got it put up there twice.

The other major thing college kids admire in a role model is women. Or better put, they care about the quality and quantity of women a guy surrounds himself with. Well, I didn’t exactly get famous for being popular among the ladies. It’s actually quite the opposite. See, I have this problem where I say the exact opposite of what a girl would expect me to say. This usually ends up in the girl hating me for life. But on the plus side, guys find my actions absolutely hilarious. I just think it’s a good idea to let guys know that yes, every once in a while it’s ok to think entirely of yourself and ignore what the needs and wants of the female. Of course, acting like me is not recommended since you’ll probably be blacklisted by every woman you meet. But hey, it works out for me, mainly because I really just don’t care.

But then again, you could be nice to girls, take them out on dates, and get into that whole relationship thing. I mean, it works out for some people. Though I’m sorry to say, I generally don’t advise it. Case in point: my friend Michael dated a girl for almost a year. They broke up about halfway through our senior year in college. She wasn’t real fond of him after that, but unfortunately, the two of them ran in most of the same social circles. They had a bad habit of running into each other throughout the rest of college and even beyond. It could get pretty awkward, which incidentally is quite fun to watch. The latest of these occurrences happened this last weekend at the UNC vs. Georgia Tech football game.

Michael’s ex pretty much ignored him every time she could and gave him the evil eye. If you’ve ever had an ex-girlfriend then you know what I’m talking about. And this is even though they had been on pretty good terms lately and had spoken together quite a few times. Strangely enough, she had no problem talking to me and even seemed genuinely pleased to see me. Now this is the odd part. Michael dated her and for the most part was kind and generous, that’s just the kind of guy he is. On the other hand, late one night just as we were about the leave a bar (this was after they had broken up), I got into a slapping fight with her and two of her friends. I have to say in my defense, the girls started it. Well, no, maybe they didn’t. To be honest the whole event is kind of fuzzy… alcohol will do that to you. But I do know that it was three against one and those are totally not fair odds no matter how you stack it up.

So what’s the moral of this story? If you date a girl and be nice to her, then she won’t talk to you after the break up. But if you slap her around… well no, I’d better not finish that sentence. The thing is I don’t agree with physically harming girls in any way, shape, or form. Even though I’m an outspoken critic of the female species (and yes, I truly believe they are a different species), even they don’t deserve that kind of treatment. And in all honestly, I am very surprised that Michael’s ex and her friends never got upset at that incident. It could possibly be that they were even more inebriated than I was. Really, it was just one of those nights.

To be a legend is no easy task. There is no cookie-cutter solution to making a man legendary. Drinking copious amounts of beer, getting your name put on the wall of a bar, and getting into a slapping contest with three sorority girls may not make you a living marvel to all of your admiring friends. It just so happened that it worked out for me that way. The most important thing you can do is to just be comfortable with yourself. As it turns out, I happen to hate women. And I’m very comfortable with that. Some guys wouldn’t be, and that’s why they aren’t awesome. And yes, I am awesome; I have proof to back up this statement.

This past Saturday evening (the same night I alluded to earlier), I managed to convince a girl I met in a bar that I was awesome. To be honest, it’s really not my fault. All I did was tell her the truth. Apparently chicks dig honesty. Who knew? The truth, as I told it, was that I came from a very long line of awesome. My brother, my dad, and heck, even my grandpa is awesome. I was raised in sheer awesomeness. So the girl decided to call me by the name “Awesome” for the rest of the evening. I didn’t mind because I really couldn’t find any fault with her nomenclature. Apparently remembering my real name was far too difficult. But you know what I’ve always said when it comes to girls and names: totally not important.

Even if you weren’t created by the fusing of two sets of genetic codes into a zygote of pure awesomeness, you can still become a legend. It just won’t be easy on you. You can get a good start by trying to change your name. If you can come up with a really kickin’ stage name and convince your friends to call you by that name, then you’re well on your way. Eddie Vedder was originally named Edward Louis Severson by his parents. And there’s no way you’re going to be a rock star with the name Edward Louis, even in Seattle. (You did know that Eddie Vedder is the lead singer for Pearl Jam, right? Right? Jeeze, next you’re going to tell me that STP stands for “Standard Temperature and Pressure.” Please don’t be that big of a loser.)

Grunge rock music references aside, there is one important thing I think you should take away from this. Above all else, you just have to be true to yourself and be happy with who you are. I am perfectly content saying things out loud that all the other guys are thinking but never have the courage to say in front of women. Guys tend to think I have balls made out of pure steel. I assure you, this is not the case. I really just don’t care what most women think of me. As far as I’m concerned, good looking girls are a dime a dozen. If you want to be admired as a great person, you only have to be passionate about what you do no matter what it is.

Just be sure that you’re not passionate about pissing off women. That’s my thing, and I’m not going to let you muscle in on my territory. Although, I have to admit, it is a lot of fun and very liberating. Besides, you know what they say: “Nice guys finish last.” Hence, I am very seldom a “nice guy.” And this is why I’m known as a legend.

Hurry Christmas, Hurry Fast

Listen closely because I’m only going to say this once: If I stab someone before New Years, don’t be surprised. No really, I’m going to stab someone, I’m just becoming that crazy. I could stab myself, but honestly, that would hurt too much. And I’m really not into the whole masochistic thing anyway.

So you’re probably wondering why I have all this pent up rage and unchecked aggression. Well, to tell the truth, it’s all due to Christmas music. See, it’s November 8^th and we’ve already been playing the Christmas tunes for a full week at my work. This is totally and incontrovertibly unacceptable. It is not Christmas, nor is it time to start celebrating that particular winter holiday. I would just change the music myself, but unfortunately my manager at work happens to really like Christmas music.

Yes, I realize that it is getting colder outside, and yes I realize that everyone looks forward throughout the year to Christmas. But there is a rule that I strictly follow: Do not play Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. You could say it’s an unwritten rule and that you don’t have to follow rules that have yet to be set in stone. Well guess what, I just wrote it down and you just read it. So from now on, please adhere to it.

You may be aware that general elections were yesterday. I hope you all went out and voted. Although, I’m not one to vote down party lines or vote for who was going to give the most tax cuts or spend the money on the most welfare programs or anything silly like that. Instead, it’s better to vote for whoever I think would be most likely to support a bill making it illegal to play Christmas music before the Thanksgiving holiday. This is a real issue people. Do you really want guys like me running around with sharp objects feeling the need to draw blood from someone just because we had to listen to the Christina Aguilera Christmas album 13,427 times in a row (and yes, I have been counting)?

The answer is simple: vote to imprison those who play holiday music with impunity. Everyone is getting so worked up about whether or not our military is actually torturing prisoners of war at Guantanamo Bay. (Incidentally, Microsoft Word recognizes and knows how to properly spell “Christina Aguilera”, but does not recognize the word “Guantanamo.” Sometimes I wonder what kind of work those developers over in Redmond truly do.) Does it really matter what’s happening all the way in Guantanamo? I think we should be more worried about the actualized torture going on right here in the heartland of our country. And yes, playing Christmas music for a full two months is torture, even if the Geneva Convention has yet to acknowledge it. Just playing the Chipmunks Christmas CD on repeat is considered an unholy act of war by most people. (And will somebody please give Alvin a hula-hoop this year!)

But I can’t just stop there. No, there are far too many atrocities being committed by everyday Americans throughout the month of November. Some people even have the audacity to put out their Christmas lights before Thanksgiving. It’s blasphemy I tell you! Anyone who puts up their lights before they begin baking their turkey is un-American. There, I said it. It is acceptable to cook a duck or a ham instead of the traditional turkey. However, an entirely vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner is right out. Those people insisting on preparing alternate foodstuffs instead of meat (for instance: tofurky) for their giving-of-thanks day should immediately be put on the terrorist watch list by the Department of Homeland Security. The pilgrims ate turkeys, damn-it. They didn’t struggle to survive through frigid New England winters so you could eat soybean paste.

I think the overlying problem here is that Thanksgiving is getting overlooked as a major American holiday. Everyone gets wound up for Halloween and trick-or-treating and dressing up and whatnot, then afterward, people only want to think about Christmas. And I know that no one outside of the United States has any reason to celebrate turkey-day, but I still think it’s vitally important. It’s one of the few holidays we have that doesn’t have its roots in religion. So this is an important holiday that everyone across the broad spectrum of religious disciplines can enjoy. How often is that possible?

Thanksgiving is the time for family and friends to get together. It is also a time to reminisce about the things you are thankful for in your life. There is a reason it’s called “Thanksgiving” you know. This is why you’re supposed to go home for Thanksgiving, so you can spend time with your family that you have been neglecting all year long. I’m pretty sure most of these holiday traditions were invented in the 1800’s by grandparents who wanted to keep their offspring coming back every year so they wouldn’t get lonely. Although nowadays grandparents lead busy retirement lives: they have to collect Social Security, fill out all those Medicare forms, and generally complain about how computers, video games, and MTV are corrupting today’s youth.

But in the spirit of Thanksgiving, and I truly believe in celebrating and spreading the wholesomeness of this particular holiday, I’m going to list all of the things that I’m thankful for. I’m thankful for next generation video game systems (Wii!), chicks in bikinis, good ol’ fashioned American bourbon, my literally dozens of fans who read this site, chicks in miniskirts, my friends who have actually stuck by me through my many moves and phases of life, chicks in tight pants, and my family, because my mom cooks the best Thanksgiving dinner ever. No seriously, she does. It’s a whole feast complete with no less than three homemade pies every year. My family rocks.

So please, I’m asking you nicely, don’t skip over the great American holiday that is Thanksgiving. Don’t buy into the materialistic hype that has become Christmas right after you finish eating your Halloween candy. Stick with the noble, family oriented November holiday. Hey, it may not be on the same date every year, but by being on a Thursday it practically guarantees you’ll have both Thursday and Friday off of work. And really, can you ask for more than that?

If you don’t respond to niceties and requests, maybe you’ll respond to threats. Don’t forget, I have many sharp and pointed instruments at my disposal and I’m just insane enough to use them on someone. You probably think I should just channel this abusive rage at the manager who insists on playing Christmas music where I work. Well, the problem is: she’s a female, she’s cute, and she is very, very nice. And I’m pretty sure that I’m incapable of harming a nice, attractive woman. Some women just have this strange power like that. It’s really not fair.

And for those of you who insist on putting up your lights and playing your music before November 23^rd this year, this is what I have to say to you.

Sunday, It's More Than I Can Stand

I have a problem. Ok, actually, I have several problems, most of which are deep rooted psychological issues that we won’t go into today. No, today we are going to go into my problem with Sunday. No seriously, I have a problem with Sunday. And no, this is not one of my acutely ingrained psychological paranoia either. This is a very real and very serious problem.

Every calendar I have puts Sunday as the beginning of the week. Why is that? Sunday is clearly part of the weekend. And I’m pretty sure the word “weekend” denotes the end of the week. I mean, it says it right there. A day can’t possibly be the first day of the week and the end of the week at the same time. There are only seven days in the week, so you can’t start and end with Sunday (that would make eight days, which is totally and punitively egregious). You can only do one or the other. And before you question whether or not Sunday is actually part of the weekend, I’ve looked on Wikipedia, and it says that Saturday and Sunday are considered the weekend here in the good old US of A. And if there’s one thing I know, if it’s on Wikipedia, it has to be true. I mean, the internet has never lied to me before.

So why does everyone insist on having Sunday as the first day of the week? This is probably because most Christians consider Sunday the Lord’s Day. However, the name “Sunday” originates before Christianity. Apparently it was the Egyptians who originally came up with the whole seven days a week scheme. They gave each day of the week a name corresponding to the seven known celestial objects: the sun, moon, Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, Venus, and Mercury. They exported their development to Rome who used their names for the seven heavenly bodies to devise the week we have today.

It makes sense to me. Moon-day is Monday, Saturn-day is Saturday, and Sun-day is Sunday (in case you couldn’t figure that last one out for yourself). In fact, I know in other cultures, both Sunday and Monday are expressed as the sun and the moon. Specifically, in Japanese the symbol for the sun is used to denote Sunday and the character representing the moon is used to refer to Monday. It’s all interesting stuff really, etymology is like that. But that still doesn’t help me with my problem. Why does everyone insist on making Sunday the first day of the week when they all know Sunday is part of the weekend? It boggles the mind!

Seriously, I want you to think about it. I’m sure you’ve spoken of the weekend in conversation while you were referring to Sunday. I’m sure you’ve done it numerous times. Yet you still have no problem saying that the week begins on Sunday. Doesn’t that sound a bit hypocritical? Sunday cannot possibly be the beginning and the end of every week. And the week does not begin in the middle of the weekend. That defeats the whole purpose of having a weekend!

Are you beginning to see my dilemma now? I’m very confused. Not that getting me confused is a difficult task to accomplish, far from it actually. But when I get confused, I tend to get angry. And you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry. When I get angry I get real quiet and tend to keep to myself. I know it’s not as terrifying as a green, 300 pound, mutated freak throwing SUVs at you, but trust me, I’m no fun when I’m quiet. So try not to confuse me or I’ll be forced into seclusion with a bottle of my favorite bourbon. Yet another reason to drink: things are far less confusing when you’re drunk. Mainly, this is because I don’t seem to pay attention to anything while inebriated.

So people, please, I need some help here. We need to sit down and decide once and for all whether Sunday is indeed the first day of the week or a celebrated part of the weekend. It can’t be both. For my sanity’s sake, we have to choose one or the other. I’d like to quickly point out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with beginning the week with Monday. In fact, most European countries already do this. Usually I hate to agree with anyone who isn’t America, but I think Europe has the right idea here. Computers seem to agree too. ISO 8601, which I’m told is the international standard for date and time representation (I wouldn’t know for sure, I mean I’m a nerd, but I’m not that big of a nerd), places Monday at the start of the week and Sunday at the end.

There are some good arguments for keeping Sunday as the first day, however. Our good buddy America Jr. (pronounced as “Canada” by some) starts its week off with Sunday. Additionally, Judeo-Christian, Egyptian, and Roman traditions all place Sunday at the commencement of the week. I mean, if we got the whole seven days in a week thing from the Egyptians and Romans maybe we should keep their order the same as well. They seemed to know what they were doing with the whole calendar thing. Well, except for Leap Year. Seriously, how does adding an additional day to the calendar every four years make sense?

I realize that we’re trying to keep the calendar year in synch with the vernal equinox. And that’s cool with me. We don’t need December falling in the middle of the summer, which is what would happen in a couple of thousand or so years if we didn’t have a Leap Year. I mean, who wants to celebrate Christmas in the blistering heat and humidity? Well, besides the Australians, whose seasons are the opposite of ours because they decided to put their country on the wrong side of the equator. Would you want a zero percent chance of a White Christmas? I think not. But why should I be forced to remember every four years to add an additional day to my calendar just because the Romans couldn’t come up with a more accurate way of measuring time relative to this vernal equinox thing?

Heck, even with the Leap Year instated we’re still off a little over 0.0001 days every year. As it turns out, we’re not very good at keeping track of time. Did you know that last year one additional second ticked by just before the New Year? That means that instead of having the usual 31,536,000 seconds in a normal year (non Leap Year) we had 31,536,001 seconds in 2005. We are supposedly skipping a second in certain years in order to keep our clocks in synch with the rotation of the Earth. The Earth is apparently slowing down its rotation which makes the days just a little bit longer. I don’t know why we have to let the Earth’s rotation push us around on how we handle our clocks. I think we should simply correct Earth’s rotation instead. I’m sure we have the technology to speed up Earth’s rotation if we wanted to. And while we’re at it, we should fix whatever astrological problem is throwing off our calendar. As far as I’m concerned, the cosmos should conform to us, not the other way around.

But then again, time is a relative thing. We add an extra day or an extra second here and there in an attempt to match certain astrological phenomenon. This doesn’t mean that time is slowing down or that we magically get another day in February every four years. It just means that’s how we choose to measure it. And really, is how we measure time that important? What’s important is how we spend our time. Personally, I choose to spend my time campaigning to move Sunday behind Saturday at the end of the week where it rightfully belongs. I can’t accept a world where the weekend is at the beginning of the week. And yes, I’m still confused and I’m still upset with that. Like I said before, I have problems. Petty as they may be, they’re still problems.

Video Games Eat My Soul

I had planned on getting some work done yesterday, I really did. Unfortunately, the fates had conspired against me. And by fate, I mean EB Games. While I was running some errands earlier in the afternoon, I passed by the local EB Games store and they had a rather large banner posted. The banner proclaimed that if I bought two used games, I could get a third used game free of charge. Now that’s not a bad deal.

The problem with that is, I really do not need to be buying more video games, used or otherwise. I already owe EB Games more money than I care to with the games I’ve preordered. I currently have preordered the new Nintendo Wii (pronounced “wee,” as in “I need to take a weewee”), two games for the Wii, and Guitar Hero 2 for the Playstation 2. And hopefully you all know how much I love the original Guitar Hero. If Guitar Hero was a woman, I’d make love to it in many varied and exotic positions. And now that you have that wonderfully hideous image in your mind, let’s move on.

I actually didn’t buy any used games while I meandered around the Games store. There wasn’t anything that really popped out at me. There are a few Nintendo DS games I would like to have, but there weren’t used copies of them available. So, I ended up leaving. But then I got home, and after doing one load of laundry, I got bored. I was trying to find a reason to not go back to EB Games and buy something. But apparently I’m no good at that, I’m a bit of a whore for video games, after all. So I went back. And yes, the guy behind the counter did make fun of me for being a loser who can’t stay away from a video game store. I think I need professional help.

I went back for the sole purpose of picking up a copy of Command and Conquer: The First Decade. Command and Conquer is a series of video games where you build up a modern army of tanks and soldiers and go wipe out your enemies. Included in the set are all six games from the Command and Conquer universe along with all the expansion sets to those games as well. Not a bad deal for $30. And of course, I immediately loaded the software on my computer when I got home. I get a strange sense of power and satisfaction when I open up the game menu and see so many different options to choose from. There’s just so many different ways to blow my enemies up. Computerized, simulated war is fun.

It was seven o’clock and I still had plenty of time to get some more work done. I figured I could play just a few games then get to business. Of course, when I have 12 different realities to explore it may end up being more than “just a few games.” That’s ok though, I don’t have a problem doing work at ten at night. I’m a bit of a night owl like that. So I fired up the computer and started playing. Then at four in the morning I finally decided that my rear end needed a break from my rather uncomfortable chair. I also needed to use the bathroom; I had been holding it in for the last three missions.

I think it’s safe to say that video games keep me from getting anything useful done. Of course, that all depends on how you define the word “useful.” If keeping the Soviets from launching a nuclear missile on the western world is “useful” then I’ve been doing pretty damned well. Actually, I like the realism in the game. Using France in an open ended battle is pretty much useless, just like in real life. France’s special weapon, that sets it apart from the other Allies, is a giant defensive cannon that does about as much damage to your own base as it does to the enemies you’re trying to repel. We all know that defense isn’t exactly the French’s specialty. I mean, the Maginot Line just worked out wonderfully for them, didn’t it?

Ok, so making fun of France is a trendy thing to do these days. You don’t need me to go over old stale material. I’d just like to point out that video games keep me from doing any real work. Alcohol, on the other hand, doesn’t keep me from accomplishing anything. In fact, I’m usually the most productive the day after a long night of drinking and mischief. See, the thing is, after drinking a lot, I tend to get dehydrated, so I wake up real early in the morning needing to use the bathroom and get about three cups of water.

But how can this make me productive, you ask. Well, normally I abhor waking up anytime before noon. It just doesn’t seem right to me. And I know doctors say that you usually need six to eight hours of sleep each night in order to get a full rest, but I completely disagree with that. I find that getting eight to ten hours of rest each night keeps me nice and rested. I know that it sounds like I’m a lazy sloth, but in all honesty, I’m much more awake and alert and capable after ten hours of sleep. I don’t need coffee or any other forms of caffeine to keep me going throughout the day like most people. Sleep is good. That is the truth I have come to know and love.

Going beyond my normal sleeping patterns, let’s delve into the reason why I can be more productive with alcohol. Most people usually like to sleep in with hangovers. However, since sleeping in is the norm for me already, a hangover will cause me to wake up early and face the day ahead. Waking up at eight or nine in the morning gives me much more time to do things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I woke up at one or two in the afternoon. Things like taking out the trash, paying the electric bill, and recycling all those empty bottles of beer laying around my apartment (Did I really drink that much last night?). It always gives me a nice sense of satisfaction when I get to be that productive and burn through all the chores on my list. Does this reaffirmation of my self-worth mean that I will be forcing myself to wake up earlier every day to get more done and feel even more confident and industrious? Nope, not even in the slightest. You might want to go read the paragraph above this one more time. But I’ll go right ahead and repeat it here for your benefit: Sleep is good.

I really need to finish this up. I need to do a few more loads of laundry today, especially if I’m going to get my jersey washed in time for my hockey game tonight. You’d think that I would have taken care of all of the laundry already, what with having an entire week between hockey games. But no, I’m just lazy like that. I think the problem lies in the fact that I don’t drink as much as I used to. Now that I don’t have alcohol induced early morning bathroom breaks, I’m not as productive as I used to be. And you know if I’m not forced to get out of my bed before noon, it just won’t happen. I don’t need alcohol, I just need it if I’m going to do something that’s in any way, shape, or form considered work. Say what you want about drinking and the sins of intoxication, but booze really helps me do the things that I need to get done. It’s just a magical potion like that. A magical fairy elixir that makes me feel all warm and wonderful inside.

Now if you’ll excuse me, that beer in my fridge isn’t going to pour itself. Wait, no… I mean laundry. I meant that my laundry isn’t going to do itself. I’ll get right on that. Besides, there’s plenty of time to pour a beer while I’m waiting for the load of dirty clothes to get washed. Not only does beer make my friends more interesting than normal, it makes doing household chores more interesting too!

Street Fighter 2: College Football Edition

So Monday night I’m clicking around ESPN.com looking up all the latest sports news, including the Bears extremely narrow win over the Cardinals, and I come across something that is somewhat less than pleasant. I was on ESPN’s college football’s homepage, and of course, the major story was still the University of Miami and Florida International University brawl. That was old news by Monday. What really got to me was the “ESPN Headlines” on the right hand side of the page. Here are the Headlines that I found most intriguing:

• Two players at I-AA Albany, NY charged with rape
• Sooners top tackler arrested on two charges
• No. Colorado fullback arrested, faces assault charges
• Syracuse QB apologizes for obscene gesture
• Thomas fired for comments during UM/FIU brawl

Four of those headlines are completely unrelated to the UM/FIU brawl, and three of them illustrate how college football players continue to commit crimes everyday. Have we become desensitized to the violence and indiscretions? Is it perfectly acceptable for college athletes to engage in unsportsmanlike behavior, commit felonies and abuse others both on and off the field? If I ask any coaches or program directors in the league, I’ll likely hear them answer in the negative. But actions speak louder than words.

I’m sure you all know what happened this past Saturday between Miami and Florida International. If not, there are plenty of places online where you can download the video of it. Feel free to go look, I’ve got plenty of time. Larry Coker still has a job in Miami. The University of Miami’s president, Donna Shalala and the executive committee of its board of trustees decided that firing Coker would be a bad idea. Well, it’s not like the brawl with FIU was the coach’s fault. Just like the fight with LSU at the Peach Bowl less than a year ago wasn’t his fault. Nor is it his fault that he recruits known criminals to play for UM (think Willie Williams who had 11 arrests before attending Miami). Do you notice a pattern developing here?

Oh, and you have to love the ACC. The Atlantic Coast Conference initially gave a one game suspension to everyone involved in Saturday’s melee. This sort of punishment will show those kids that violence is a bad thing, and they should never do that again. Actually, a one game suspension was more of a wag of the finger than an actually punishment. The message sent is more like, “Please don’t do that anymore, fighting is bad. So please, no more fighting… Pretty please no more fighting?” Aren’t you glad the University of Miami was recently moved into the ACC? I was just thinking that there wasn’t enough violence in football before Miami joined the conference.

Luckily, ACC commissioner John Swofford came back Monday night and dished out indefinite suspensions to the players who were most involved in the conflict. Good for him. Will that keep fights like the one on Saturday from happening again? The short answer: no. Violence on and off the field will continue to increase in football unless drastic measures are taken. Case in point: A month ago, the backup punter at Northern Colorado stabbed his teammate who was the starter. Why? No really, WHY? The guy was competing to be the top punter on the team. Punters aren’t even real football players, no one cares about them, why would you stab someone for a starting position as a kicker?

Why do things like this keep happening in college football? Sportsmanship and character have always been very important in the league. They’re so important that they rank eight and nine in relative importance. Winning, of course, is the most important, and everything else takes a back seat. People have been demanding for quite a while that Miami Coach Larry Coker needs to be fired. Just check out Cokermustgo.com. Of course, they’re not quite as mad at Coker’s questionable grip on his program; they’re upset that UM has lost two games already this season. For some reason, losing two games in one season is unforgivable in Miami. In stark contrast, take a look at Firebunting.com. The Carolina alumni are upset because Coach John Bunting boasts a 25-41 overall record at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Now even though that record is truly abysmal, at least Bunting punters aren’t stabbing each other.

Larry Coker still has a job because he’s still winning games. Granted, not as many as he used to, but a 4-2 record is a winning record and Miami will likely make another bowl appearance in late December. John Bunting still has a job only because UNC Athletic Director Dick Baddour supports him entirely. Without Baddour’s support, Bunting is likely gone quicker than Brittney Spears after marrying a back-up dancer. Let’s just take a minute to figure out why colleges tend to overlook these on field incidents when their coaches are winning.

The answer: it’s all about money. Yes, colleges and universities are money grubbing whores just like the rest of us. And college football is a huge cash generator. Television networks pay inordinate amounts of money to conferences and collegiate institutions for the right to show their teams on TV. And the best part is, since college athletes are by definition amateurs, the schools don’t have to pay their players any money, unlike the professional leagues. So in essence, colleges have the ability to generate higher profit margins on their sports than do NFL or NBA franchises. Now isn’t that ironic?

As long as coaches continue to win and generate more income for the schools, college presidents and athletic directors will continue to downplay the importance of sportsmanship and player conduct. It will continue to be permissible for universities to recruit known felons as long as they’re really good at playing ball. The needless violence will continue unless something changes. I, personally, think the NCAA needs to step up and take a more active role. And they’re beginning to do just that.

Unfortunately, I don’t think the NCAA is doing enough. The governing body for the vast majority of collegiate sports needs to show colleges and universities that there are consequences for these unacceptable behaviors. And the consequences need to be more severe than a wag of the finger. The league should hit the schools where it hurts the most, the pocket book. If the NCAA imposed heavy fines on schools with repeated offenses, such as Miami, the universities would see a tangible downside to poor character and sportsmanship in their athletics. They would be much quicker and much more adamant about keeping a clean house. As I said before, actions speak louder than words.

But I doubt that will happen any time soon. Things will continue the way they are because the consequences haven’t become dire enough to keep the kids on these teams from their perpetrations. You know that one game suspension most players on Miami received? Well, they’re going to miss their next game against Duke. Oh yeah, that’s harsh, suspend everyone for the one game they won’t be needed anyway (no offense to Duke, but your football team would have trouble beating a junior high girls team). The Atlantic Coast Conference, a tradition of excellence, then, now and always… one on-field brawl at a time.

Lions and Vikings and Bears, Oh My!

I’m going to go ahead and apologize to Matt Leinart in advance for the beating he’s going to get on Monday night. I honestly do feel sorry for the poor guy. He played a good game last week, but ultimately lost. He’s probably hoping to pull off a nice win in his second start to give himself and the team some momentum. Unfortunately, he’s facing the Chicago Bears (pronounced: DA Bears). Yeah, it’s going to suck to be Matt Leinart on Monday night.

And why is this? Well, the Bears are arguably the best team in the NFL right now. They are 5-0 and the only other undefeated team is the Indianapolis Colts who scored a grand total of 135 points in five games. The Bears, on the other hand, have scored a total of 156 points this season. I know that’s not a huge difference, but when the hell does Chicago outscore Indianapolis’s offensive machine (named Peyton Manning)? No seriously, when did Chicago get an offense?

When I was growing up, Chicago was normally a decent team. The Bears are known for their physically tough and gritty defense, but they’ve never been big on scoring points. But now they’re playing the best football in the league on both sides of the field. It’s simply amazing. And what’s up with that Rex Grossman guy? I know he was pretty decent back in Gainesville, but how does he average over 200 yards a game (with the fourth best passer rating in the league) with Chicago? No really, how is that possible? Back in 2001, I think that Chicago only completed five passes all season long. And those were all against Detroit.

Why am I so giddy over Chicago’s sudden eliteness in the NFL? Well, I’ve been a Chicago fan all my life, but unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to cheer for them. For a long while, they haven’t been very good, and it’s not always kosher to wear the jersey of a team that only won three games in an entire season. But now, now the Bears the best team in the league. They utterly demolished last years NFC champs, the Seattle Seahawks two weeks ago. Right now, the Bears are 5-0, which is a feat that hasn’t been accomplished in Chicago since 1986. So I hope you’ll excuse my sudden enthusiasm since I was only three years old the last time the Bears started a season off this well.

Chicago’s normally staunch defense has gotten so dominantly potent that a recent accord has been added to the Geneva Convention that clearly states that it is “Cruel and Unusual to exercise the Bear’s Defense in an Act of War.” I don’t blame then. I mean, I’m pretty sure I saw Brian Urlacher rip a man’s torso in half using nothing than his right shoulder blade in the middle of a game. He’s just that good. The defense has only allowed 36 points this season (that’s 7.2 points per game for you math whizzes out there). Seven points a game is equivalent to building a ten foot tall brick wall on your own 20 yard line to keep the other team out. Although something tells me this Chicago defense is far more effective than any mere wall.

Unfortunately, I live in North Carolina where I can only see mostly east coast games. There’s only been one televised Chicago game in my region so far this year. Now don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy watching the Carolina Panthers. Well, except when they try to lateral the ball on a punt return and no one is there resulting in a turnover to Minnesota. That was just stupid. But other than that, I like the Panthers. The thing is, I don’t really have a hometown. I was born in Peoria, Illinois, but I’ve never lived anywhere for more than four years. Growing up in a military family will do that to you.

But since I was born in Illinois, I’ve always favored the Chicago teams. In fact, my 13 year old Chicago Blackhawks jersey is still one of my most cherished possessions. This is true even though the Blackhawks haven’t been worth watching for almost all of those 13 years. It will be a while before the Blackhawks get their skates back under them, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is that the Bears are kicking some NFL booty, and no one is going to stop them.

If you don’t believe me, tune in Monday night. I’m pretty positive that the Arizona Cardinals don’t have what it takes to beat the Bears, even with Mr. Matt, I won a Heisman Trophy, Leinart. Incidentally, Microsoft Word does not seem recognize “Heisman” as a legitimate word. Apparently computer programmers don’t watch college football. Way to go Microsoft. Getting back to Monday night, I’m ridiculously happy that I get to see another Chicago Bears football game. I’m sure it will be as ludicrously one sided as the first when Chicago beat a very potent Seahawks team by over 30 points.

I’m sorry to all you Arizona fans out there, but I don’t think that praying to God will help your team’s chances at all. I have it on good authority that Mike Ditka (who won a Super Bowl as a tight end for the Bears and another as their head coach) once beat God in a football game by 42-7. After the game, Ditka barreled over God in a display of pure aggression. God laughed it off and later forgave the Hall of Famer. God is just such a good sport like that.

Well I hope I haven’t bored you too much with all my statistics and overindulgence of one of the greatest sports teams ever. I assure you that next week I will get back to the woman hating and chauvinism that make my writing what it is. And yes, the Bears are one of the greatest sports franchises ever. I mean, Fred Savage wore a Chicago Bears jersey in the movie The Princess Bride. And I think we can all agree that The Princess Bride was an awesome movie.

So all motion picture and Saturday Night Live references aside, I’m going to enjoy sitting down with an ice cold beer and a large meat-lovers pizza to watch the game on Monday. As I said before, I feel sorry for Matt Leinart. He’s going to throw two interceptions and get sacked three times before Monday night’s game is over. Arizona’s offensive line won’t be able to hold up against Chicago’s defense, and this is before Chicago even attempts to send in an extra man on the blitz. They’re just that good. Yeah, it’s going to suck to be Matt Leinart on Monday.

Oh, and bonus points to those of you who figured out that the title for this article was a play on words using three of the four teams in the NFC North division. The Detroit Lions, Minnesota Vikings, and Chicago Bears are represented there. My apologies to Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers for not making it into the title.

It’s Hard to Rely on My Own Good Senses

Last week, a wonderful thing happened. Well, it wasn’t as wonderful as it was bothersome and annoying. I had two old friends come over for a visit. Now I don’t want to sound like a jerk or some really crappy friend, but honestly, it’s sad when I end up being the responsible one in the group. I don’t think I’ve ever been known for my responsibility. But hey, stranger things have happened.

I just want to point out that both my friends are just awesome people and I loved every minute of their stay. Well every minute except when they were waking me up early in the morning, using up all my hot water, changing the channel on my TV, and taking up all the space in my refrigerator. But you know what, that’s ok. You have to be willing to put up with some abuse from your friends now and then. I mean after all, they are my friends.

Bill came down from New Jersey so he could do some work with the UNC girls soccer team. I don’t know why you’d want to drive that far just to do some unpaid work, but then again, I’m the lazy type. Michael randomly came up from a dive shop at the beach for a little down time. Honestly, I think he just wanted to check out all the college girls on Franklin Street. Now, I’m not mad that Michael decided to come visit at the last second, I’m mad that he didn’t bring his incredibly attractive older sister with him.

Luckily I have a few extra keys to the apartment, so the guys could come and go as they pleased without bothering me to let them in all the time. And for the most part, the week went by pretty smoothly. Needless to say, we played a lot of Guitar Hero. And honestly, at this point I’ve run out of words to describe how awesome that game is. Both guys were immediately taken by the game and we all spent many hours playing it. Of course, I showed off my considerable skill and outplayed the both of them, doing my best to squash any hopes they might have of ever being as good as me. I’m just a nice guy like that.

The week wasn’t all taken up by video games. We did manage to make our way out to the bars one night. It was nice to throw back a good beer and reminisce about old times. The musings bring back warm and fuzzy memories: like getting slapped by three sorority girls at 2:30 in the morning while I was trying to leave a bar (Ah, good times!). But alcohol and the passage of time tend to loosen people tongues, and I learned a few things that I was not entirely aware of back in college.

Apparently, every guy I knew had a crush on a female friend of mine. Not that I can blame then, she was a very attract and very sweet girl. I’m just glad none of the guys acted on it. Well, to be honest, one guy did, and I ended up having to deal with both my guy friend and my female friend as I wound up in the middle of whatever the heck was going on between them. I guess it could have been worse, but still, if I wasn’t the one to have fun with a girl, why should I have to deal with all the backlash? It just doesn’t seem fair to me.

It really is interesting to learn about all of this stuff. I had three fairly good female friends that I hung out with back in college: Ashley, Alison, and Amy. Yes I know, their names all start with the letter A. Try keeping track of them after about your fourth beer. Let me assure you, it’s not easy. Luckily, names have never really been that important to me. After awhile, I gave up trying to keep track of who was who and just start pointing and saying “Hey you, grab me another beer.” Simple and effective, just the way I like it, although I can’t say the same for the three girls. For some strange reason, girls expect you to know their names and always get it right. What’s up with that?

Now I know I may sound cruel to you, but stay with me here, because there’s a method to my madness. The two guys that visited me last week were both single, which is cool because we did the single guy thing. Mainly, that involves drinking and playing video games, and we threw in some Monday Night Football for good measure. But it’s the guys who have girlfriends who really like to keep me around. See, I have a really bad habit of saying things that girls find distasteful. And for me, that’s ok, I’ve come to terms with it. Luckily, I’m able to rein myself in enough in these situations so that I don’t cause any relationship problems for my friends. Let’s be honest, I cause enough problems for myself, I don’t need to create any for others. This does have an interesting side effect though. My natural abhorrence of civility makes me look pretty bad in front of girls. However, a guy sitting right next to me who isn’t being nearly as bad as I am tends to look like a pretty upstanding guy by contrast.

In fact, when one of my old housemates would get into a fight with his girlfriend, she would usually come downstairs and complain to the rest of us about her relationship issues. Normally, I would kindly suggest in the most statesman-like manner that if she did his laundry more often, she wouldn’t have these problems. After that, she would get so mad and me that by the time her boyfriend made it downstairs she would have forgotten all about being distraught with him, and they would go off happily ever after. I have been party to several scenarios very similar to the above, and just about every outcome is the same. That’s me, Jeff Privette: making you look better by comparison since 2001.

Speaking of girls, when I got back home from my hockey game on Wednesday night, I expected Michael to have a few girls waiting for me at my apartment. Unfortunately, he didn’t come through for me, which was somewhat upsetting. Girls have always flocked to Michael, I don’t know why; it’s just some sort of special ability he has. I’ve tried to copy it, but for some reason when girls herd around Michael, it does absolutely nothing for my own romantic life. It’s funny how that works out. Luckily there’s an upside to that. Like when that creepy girl was hitting on the three of us Tuesday night at the bar, I just pointed her towards Michael, and then made my swift escape to the downstairs portion of the bar. I could have left the place entirely, but then I couldn’t have gotten myself another beer. And that would have been a travesty.

But now I’m home all alone again. There’s no one snoring on my sofa or using my beard trimmer and neglecting to clean it off. It’s nice to have some peace and quiet again. For one thing, it’s hard for me to write and be creative when there are a couple of goobers playing Guitar Hero and totally messing up I Love Rock and Roll. Seriously, what rock and roll fan messes up a classic like that? However, they’re out of my hair now, and I can get back to writing again. Specifically, I can write an entire article making fun of them. Thanks guys.

What’s Love Got to Do with It

Ambition is a wonderful thing to have in life. Most people want to get a good job, work hard, get married, and raise a family. This is certainly a noble goal. It’s not exactly my goal, but then again, I’ve never been known to be noble. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have ambition. As a matter of fact, I’ve been rather ambitious for most of my adult life. Whether or not my behavior classifies me as an adult is another thing entirely. The law says I’m an adult, and the law is just smart like that.

So, what is the great and wondrous goal that I have been chasing for so many years? No, it has nothing to do with hard work, self-reliance, or even winning the lottery. My lifelong goal is to marry a rich chick. I don’t want to have to work for my money, I want my incredibly attractive and very intelligent wife to work for my money. Meanwhile, I’ll stay at home and play Halo on Xbox Live. This is my dream, and one day, with a lot of hard work and perseverance, it might just come true.

Now I know a lot of you women out there would be outraged with a life plan who’s only two steps involve: marry a rich chick and play video games. But you really have to look past the shallow nature and selfishness of my goal. If you’re paying attention, and I’m sure you are, you’ll notice that I am, in fact, a pioneer in feminism. You should be proud of me, feminists aren’t people I usually associate myself with. But in this case, I really am in league with them. I don’t mind a wife who’s the bread winner and I’d be perfectly happy being a stay at home dad. This is a clear breach in traditional manly values.

Isn’t that what women want: a guy who is comfortable being in the background while the wife is obsessed with work and promotions? If this is what you want, then I’m the guy for you. I’m totally cool with the woman making all the money. And as an added bonus, I can do minor electrical and plumbing work and I can make cookies. How many stay at home dads can say that? If that doesn’t get the ladies’ juices flowing, I don’t know what will.

All joking aside, this is my dream in life. I want to marry an attractive girl who has a good job, and even better prospects for future earnings. In fact, I’m willing to be more lenient on the how attractive my prospective mate is when her projected future earnings are higher. I can do this on a very simple and very unbiased method. Simply discount the projected future earnings of the woman over the next ten years to the present value. Here’s the formula we’ll be using:

AI = AS [( 1 / (1 + .03)^10 )/(.03)]

AI = Attractiveness Index
AS = Average Yearly Salary

In this formula, the 10 represents the number of years my prospective wife will be making her average salary. Each .03 represents an estimated 3% increase in the cost of living year over year. All I have to do is input the estimated average yearly salary for the woman in the “AS” spot and I can come up with a usable number. For every increase of 800,000 in the Attractiveness Index, I’ll be willing to lower my future spouse’s beauty by one point on the classic ten point model (to be furthermore referred to as the Classic Index, or CI). I think we’re all accustomed to the Classic Index with a perfect ten being the hottest girl you’ve ever seen and a lowly one being a woman who looks like the unholy offspring of Jabba the Hut and an abominable snowman.

Now we all know that money isn’t everything. Looks are important too. But we’ve already addressed both of those. Some of you may be wondering how the woman’s personality fits into all of this. Well, let me just assuage your fears: it doesn’t. Let’s be honest with ourselves here, personality is not important. Heck, it’s never been important. When you hear someone say “That girl has a great personality,” what does that mean to you? It means she is neither rich nor physically attractive.

What would you rather have: a spouse who has a wonderful personality, or one that is rich or incredibly gorgeous? May I remind you for just one second that supermodels are both rich and insanely hot? So which is it? The supermodels in bikinis or the girls who can make you smile and laugh? Personally, I think laughing is overrated. Laughs come and go but money, spendola (as it is called in certain European circles) lasts forever.

You don’t believe me about money lasting forever? Just ask your local jeweler. When you go into the store to buy an engagement ring for you fiancé with the superb personality, he’ll tell you that you can make three months salary last forever by buying her a rather small, shiny rock. Oh sure, that shiny rock will be surrounded by gold, which has existential value, but most of your hard-earned cash will be going towards that shiny pebble. I know this is true because a commercial on TV said so, and commercials don’t lie, it’s against the law.

Like I said, marrying for love or trust or even mutual respect is totally overrated. Let’s look at the figures, approximately 40% or more of married American couples will get divorced. And after your inevitable divorce (hey you can’t argue with statistics), what are you left with? The laughs, the trust, the respect, it’s all gone. This is why I am using the relatively short span of ten years for my marriage when discounting a perspective wife’s future earnings. I honestly don’t think that my money making scheme would ever end in divorce, but I’m just going to play it safe anyway. Did I say money making scheme? I meant marriage, my wonderfully happy and splendidly fruitful marriage.

I would like to point out that the formula that I gave you earlier can also be used when evaluating potential investments. The reason I’m using it as a scale for finding a suitable wife is merely coincidental. But hey, who would have thought that I’d actually give you something scholarly in my writing? I’m not only entertaining and informative, but also educational too.

I should be rewarded for providing you with such unparallel educational content. Specifically, I should be rewarded with money. Thank you notes are nice and all, but they waste the life of a tree and add to our already overburdened waste disposal systems. Money, on the other hand, is forever. So prevent over logging and send me some cold hard cash (and no, money is not made of paper; it is created from a unique blend of cloth and fabrics, so you won’t be hurting the forests by sending me money, thank you).

Pork, Chicken, and Steak, Oh My!

Do you want to know what’s been bothering me lately? Ok, I know you don’t care, but I’m going to tell you anyways, because that’s just the kind of man that I am. I’m the kind of man that’s more important than you are, so listen up, and you’d better listen good too. Here’s the thing: I don’t trust vegetarians. I know this is totally random, but bear with me for a few minutes.

I know a few people who are vegetarians, and I’ve been pretty considerate and kind and doing all that understanding crap. But honestly, I just don’t get it. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against vegetables. In fact, I eat vegetables all the time. Hamburgers usually come with lettuce and tomato on them, French fries are made from potatoes, and I usually get onions and green peppers on my Philly cheese-steak. But what is the deal with people who don’t eat meat? Not only is it incredibly tasty and immensely satisfying, but meat provides essential vitamins and nutrients that are hard to find anywhere else. Do you know how many beans you have to eat to get your daily supply of protein and iron? Honestly, I have no idea, but I’m just going to assume that it’s a huge amount, since it’ll make my case just that much stronger.

So why is it that I don’t trust people that don’t eat meat? What have vegetarians ever done to me to make me weary of them? Well, nothing really. I mean, besides the fact that they decided, of their own free will and accord, to not consume the wonderfully meaty and delicious creatures of this planet. I just can’t understand that. I don’t know why someone would voluntarily not eat meat. Think about it, there is just no rational explanation for it, which is why I don’t trust vegetarians. What solid reason is there for passing up on some good old fashioned Carolina barbeque? There is none.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking, that those veggie eating fiends have perfectly rational reasons for not partaking in the most wholesome part of the food pyramid. Let’s take a look at these so called “reasonable explanations” for being a vegetarian. Some of those leaf eaters say its healthier being a vegetarian. They say that meat is too fatty and you’ll gain too much weight and unwanted cholesterol when you eat meat. Well that’s true if all you do is sit on the sofa eating nothing but Taco Bell and watching Dr. Phil. The problem is, these crazy vegetarians are eating their meat all wrong. They should go back to the old fashioned way of eating meat: by hunting wild animals down with nothing but a spear and a knife. Seriously, there’s nothing like a three hour long hunt to work up an appetite, and it helps keep off those unsightly love handles. Just a note though, it’s not considered hunting if you end up eating veal.

Another wacko theory is that the cows we raise for beef produce too much methane which adds to the greenhouse gasses that are destroying our atmosphere. Well, I agree that greenhouse gasses are a problem and that global warming is something we all need to deal with. Although, I’m not sure eating nothing but leafy green vegetables is the way to solve that problem. I mean, think about it. If you left those leafy greens in the ground to grow, instead of eating them, they’d mature and do that photosynthetic thing where they turn greenhouse gasses into energy and emit live affirming oxygen. So to all you vegetarians out there: Thanks for eating up all of our natural filters for greenhouse gasses. Good job.

Some vegetarians will tell you that they don’t eat meat because they love animals and they’d hate to eat the cute, cuddly animals. Now that doesn’t make a lick of sense. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that dog is, in fact, not man’s best friend. The pig is man’s best friend. I mean, look at all the things he does for us: bacon, ham, pork, pork chops, pulled pork… and the list goes on and on. But honestly, it doesn’t matter how cute the animal is, you were born to eat meat. God gave you incisors for a reason, to rip apart the charred flesh of the lesser creatures. So get off your lazy butt and eat some pork. Otherwise God will be mad at you for not using what he gave you.

And what the heck is up with tofu? Why are people trying to replace perfectly good meat with that stuff? They make everything from tofurkey for thanksgiving to tofu-dogs for cookouts. Tofu-dogs? Now who in their right mind would refuse to eat a classic American hotdog? Terrorists, that’s who. Now I’m not saying that the Japanese, who invented tofu and use it in a variety of culinary delights, are terrorists. Far from it. But you know those Americanized flavored varieties of tofu that you see in the grocery store, the ones you’re too afraid to go over and look at because you think all your friends will call you a sissy vegetarian for eating them? Those are made by Al Qaeada. So if you’re eating that flavored tofu, you’re supporting terrorism. You vegetarians make me sick on so many levels.

Now if you’re an astute reader (and since you’re still reading this I can assume that you’re not a vegetarian and therefore you are an astute reader) then you probably noted that I referred to tomatoes as being a vegetable back in the second paragraph. If you missed it, then go back up there and check it out, its ok, I’ll be right here when you get back. So if you’re really astute, and I’m sure you are (unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case I don’t want to associate with you terrorist sympathizers), you’ll note that tomatoes are not a vegetable, but rather a fruit, scientifically speaking, of course. However, I was taught, growing up, that tomatoes were vegetables, but somewhere along the line, someone came in and changed it up on me. I think it was those shifty vegetarians. I don’t have any proof of it, but frankly, I don’t trust them.

I’m still going to call the tomato a vegetable, however. This is because in the US Supreme Court Case, Nix v. Hedden, the highest court in this country declared the tomato a vegetable. You can use all the science and botany you want, but that doesn’t trump the Supreme Court. And I for one will follow the Court’s decision because I’m proud to be an American, unlike those vegetarians.

Now I think you know why I don’t trust vegetarians, and I hope you don’t trust them anymore either. They’re a plague on this country as they descend like a pack of locusts to devour our crops and leave nothing but a barren wasteland behind. I for one will not stand for it. In fact, I’m going to show my patriotism and my love for this wonderful, this free, this brave country, this land of opportunity and liberity… by eating a hotdog.