Has anyone tried to fill up their gas tank recently? If you have, then you know that gas prices are getting out of control. I understood when prices went through to roof after hurricane Katrina. And I understood what happened to gas prices when the war in Iraq started. But what I don’t understand, now that we’ve fixed the pipelines that were damaged during Katrina and have been in Iraq for several years, is how the gas prices have gone to all new highs. But fear not, I have a solution. We can all conserve energy if we travel by rickshaw. You don’t have to worry about gas prices and you get a workout. It’s a win-win situation.
Let’s be honest with ourselves, traveling by rickshaw is going to become common practice in America soon. The way gas prices keep going up, we’re not going to be able to afford taxi cabs anymore. If memory serves, I was paying half as much to fill up my gas tank only five years ago. This is a problem that is going to get worse before it gets better. So we have to act fast if we’re going to combat this oil situation.
I think the first thing we need to do is to make hummers illegal. Seriously, what’s the point in owning a hummer? Civilian models have very little in common with the military grade Humvee. The military Humvee has a lower center of gravity and has far superior off-road capabilities. And I just don’t see the point in buying a civilian hummer when you can’t connect a .50 caliber machine gun on the top. A .50 caliber commands the fear and respect you deserve in the neighborhood. But since the civilian model doesn’t drive fear into anyone’s heart, I think we should make it illegal.
The second thing we need to do is to send flowers to all the countries in OPEC. I know sending some expensive flowers to a girl after you’ve screwed up goes a long way towards saying “I’m sorry.” It shows that you really mean it. We have obviously done something to upset the countries of OPEC and I think it’s time we make amends. So if we just send a bouquet of flowers to each country with a card that says “We’re sorry. We really, really mean it this time,” I think we will see more affordable gas prices in a few months.
The last thing that needs to be done is to invent better technology. I think you all know what I’m talking about. It’s the year 2006! Where’s our flying cars? Seriously, we were promised flying cars in the new millennium. Every sci-fi movie from the 80’s said so. And here it is, six years AFTER the millennium, and we don’t have a single flying car. I think the scientific community needs to get off their butts and start inventing some of them already. I’m not entirely sure how this will help us with over-priced petroleum, but I want my flying car, darn it!
But until we get our flying cars, we’ll have to travel by rickshaw. I realize this is a step backwards in scientific evolution, but a necessary one. This is not only for energy conservation, but for health reasons too.
Obesity is a huge problem in America (excuse my pun). Children these days are growing up indoors. They’re too busy playing X-box and watching their 300 channels of digital cable and Tivo. Now, I want everyone to know, I have nothing against videogames or the television industry. As for Tivo: I refuse to pay a monthly fee for a service that is easily handled by a 15 year old VCR. I do have something against parents who watch their kids get increasingly unhealthy and do nothing about it.
Kids need to get out and get some exercise. I’m a huge proponent of team sports. Not only will it give your children the exercise they need for a healthy lifestyle, it also will teach them harsh lessons about life. Those that are good will excel. Those that don’t do well will be teased, bullied and generally beaten up. Kids need to get exposed to this behavior early on because it will continue throughout their lives. Corporate America loves winners. Those who under perform in the workplace will be teased, laughed at and have their stapler stolen. At least this is what I learned from the movie Office Space.
The bottom line is that kids aren’t getting enough exercise and they’re not eating healthy. People need to quit sending their kids to McDonalds and Pizza Hut and start feeding them some healthy, well rounded meals. You have to force your kids to eat their vegetables. And no, french-fries are not considered a good vegetable dish. In fact, avoid anything fried altogether. The way I see it, the worse tasting a food is, the healthier it is. So give your children the worst tasting food they’ve ever had to endure. Why? Because that’s what your parents did to you when you were a kid, and now it’s your chance to punish your kids with absolute cruelty. Um… I mean… it’s for their own good. That’s what I meant. Solving the childhood obesity problem is easy. It’s the oil problem that’s going to be difficult.
In reality folks, it IS the year 2006. We have put a man on the moon, learned how to clone sheep, made Anna Nicole Smith a pinup – then a fat talk show host – and then a pinup again, and have made porn free to everyone via the internet. The things we have accomplished are amazing. I know if we just put our minds and effort behind it, we can solve the petroleum problem. It’s either that, or we all go out and buy a rickshaw.
• http://www.answers.com/rickshaw
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Good Clean Fun in the Spring Sun
Springtime is finally here! The flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping, and the weather is finally getting warmer. After the horrible months of winter, we finally have something to be happy about. According to the weather channel, its supposed to remain in the mid 70’s and even get into the low 80’s. And that is really great news.
I’m not really a fan of hot and humid weather by any means, but there is one thing about warm weather that always brightens my day. And that is skimpy outfits that girls start wearing in the summer. Sometimes I forget how beautiful women are. I mean, all winter long, the girls keep their goods bundled up under layers of sweaters and loose pants. Where’s the fun in that? I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to be cold in the winter, but I’m also being denied the obvious physical beauty of the female species. Ladies, this is clearly unacceptable.
But, it’s spring! And you can clearly notice it. Just walk through any mall. Seriously, go to the mall and walk around. You’ll see far more cleavage and short skirts than you have laid eyes on in the last four months. And just think, in a few more weeks, the pools will open up and we’ll get to see all the lovely bikinis that have been stuffed in the back dresser drawers for far too long. And for the record, a two piece swimsuit is superior to a one piece.
Now, I’m not advocating that all women should run around in skimpy outfits all the time. I am saying that all good looking women should run around in skimpy outfits all the time. Let’s be honest with ourselves, God did not give the gift of gorgeous looks to every woman out there. Just like God obviously didn’t give me the gift of realizing I am about to say something stupid and I just need to shut the hell up. I consider myself challenged.
So, I need to take the time here to go ahead and apologize to the women of the world in advance. I know in the future I will be staring at you when you’re wearing very little clothing, and I know that’s bad. Unfortunately, my eyes don’t listen to my brain. They go where they think is the most exciting. And most of the time, I have no control over that whatsoever. I assume it’s the same with all guys. So on behalf of all guys who have been looking at you while you were wearing a bathing suit, or low cut shirt, or tight pants, or whatever… I’m sorry.
Now is the time for a quick public service announcement: Girls, please wait until you’re 18 years old to wear anything too risqué. It’s ok for high-schoolers to wear something a little flashy. I know how high school life is. But please, for the sake of decency, don’t go wearing something that leaves little to the imagination. I say this mainly because I really don’t want to go to jail. Every time I see a 16 year old girl dressed up like Paris Hilton I just want to deport her to an uptight boarding school where they still wear ultra long skirts from the 1950’s. Of course, the girl will always be welcome back from boarding school on her 18th birthday.
There is something else that’s very important that I have to speak to women about. With the coming of spring, many more ladies will be flocking to tanning beds to work up their tans. Apparently women aren’t beautiful unless they’re cooked like a well done rib eye. And no, before you get too offended, I don’t think of women as pieces of meat. Girls are made up of sugar and spice and everything nice… so I think they’re more like a dessert. But seriously, what’s with all the tanning bed frenzy? I mean, you pay people to burn your skin. Good job, that’s money very well spent. I’m sure putting that money into an IRA account for retirement isn’t nearly as important.
Ladies, if you really want to get a tan, why don’t you lay out by the pool or in your front yard where everyone can see you? I mean, no one can see you while you’re lying in some coffin shaped tanning “bed.” And don’t give me that crap about the sun giving you skin cancer. It’s true, the UV rays of the sun can cause skin cancer. But did you know that in 2001, 9,600 people (both men and women) died of skin cancer. In the same year, 68,000 women died of lung cancer. And how many of you women smoke? My point is that skin cancer, although problematic, shouldn’t be your main worry.
I know, I know, cancer isn’t funny. If you want to help make a difference, then go check out the American Cancer Society’s homepage. I’ve leant a helping hand myself in the past. I was a Relay for Life team captain a year or two back. I realize that this may be pretty surprising to you; me actually doing something worthwhile for the community. What can I say? The girl who talked me into it was wearing some really tight pants. And you also be surprised to find out that I’m a sucker for a girl in skin tight pants.
• http://www.cancer.org (American Cancer Society)
• http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PAR/Content/PAR_1_Relay_For_Life.asp (Relay for Life)
I’m not really a fan of hot and humid weather by any means, but there is one thing about warm weather that always brightens my day. And that is skimpy outfits that girls start wearing in the summer. Sometimes I forget how beautiful women are. I mean, all winter long, the girls keep their goods bundled up under layers of sweaters and loose pants. Where’s the fun in that? I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to be cold in the winter, but I’m also being denied the obvious physical beauty of the female species. Ladies, this is clearly unacceptable.
But, it’s spring! And you can clearly notice it. Just walk through any mall. Seriously, go to the mall and walk around. You’ll see far more cleavage and short skirts than you have laid eyes on in the last four months. And just think, in a few more weeks, the pools will open up and we’ll get to see all the lovely bikinis that have been stuffed in the back dresser drawers for far too long. And for the record, a two piece swimsuit is superior to a one piece.
Now, I’m not advocating that all women should run around in skimpy outfits all the time. I am saying that all good looking women should run around in skimpy outfits all the time. Let’s be honest with ourselves, God did not give the gift of gorgeous looks to every woman out there. Just like God obviously didn’t give me the gift of realizing I am about to say something stupid and I just need to shut the hell up. I consider myself challenged.
So, I need to take the time here to go ahead and apologize to the women of the world in advance. I know in the future I will be staring at you when you’re wearing very little clothing, and I know that’s bad. Unfortunately, my eyes don’t listen to my brain. They go where they think is the most exciting. And most of the time, I have no control over that whatsoever. I assume it’s the same with all guys. So on behalf of all guys who have been looking at you while you were wearing a bathing suit, or low cut shirt, or tight pants, or whatever… I’m sorry.
Now is the time for a quick public service announcement: Girls, please wait until you’re 18 years old to wear anything too risqué. It’s ok for high-schoolers to wear something a little flashy. I know how high school life is. But please, for the sake of decency, don’t go wearing something that leaves little to the imagination. I say this mainly because I really don’t want to go to jail. Every time I see a 16 year old girl dressed up like Paris Hilton I just want to deport her to an uptight boarding school where they still wear ultra long skirts from the 1950’s. Of course, the girl will always be welcome back from boarding school on her 18th birthday.
There is something else that’s very important that I have to speak to women about. With the coming of spring, many more ladies will be flocking to tanning beds to work up their tans. Apparently women aren’t beautiful unless they’re cooked like a well done rib eye. And no, before you get too offended, I don’t think of women as pieces of meat. Girls are made up of sugar and spice and everything nice… so I think they’re more like a dessert. But seriously, what’s with all the tanning bed frenzy? I mean, you pay people to burn your skin. Good job, that’s money very well spent. I’m sure putting that money into an IRA account for retirement isn’t nearly as important.
Ladies, if you really want to get a tan, why don’t you lay out by the pool or in your front yard where everyone can see you? I mean, no one can see you while you’re lying in some coffin shaped tanning “bed.” And don’t give me that crap about the sun giving you skin cancer. It’s true, the UV rays of the sun can cause skin cancer. But did you know that in 2001, 9,600 people (both men and women) died of skin cancer. In the same year, 68,000 women died of lung cancer. And how many of you women smoke? My point is that skin cancer, although problematic, shouldn’t be your main worry.
I know, I know, cancer isn’t funny. If you want to help make a difference, then go check out the American Cancer Society’s homepage. I’ve leant a helping hand myself in the past. I was a Relay for Life team captain a year or two back. I realize that this may be pretty surprising to you; me actually doing something worthwhile for the community. What can I say? The girl who talked me into it was wearing some really tight pants. And you also be surprised to find out that I’m a sucker for a girl in skin tight pants.
• http://www.cancer.org (American Cancer Society)
• http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PAR/Content/PAR_1_Relay_For_Life.asp (Relay for Life)
Friday, April 14, 2006
Going to the Chapel… Going to Get Married...
When is a person supposed to fall in love and get married? After high school? After college? Before the age of 27? I ask this question mainly because everyone I know is getting married. And I mean everyone. In fact two of my friends from high school are both planning on getting married May 2007. I just can’t understand why everyone has to give up their lives this way.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to marriage as an institution. I’m opposed to never seeing my friends again. No more late nights playing video games, no more watching playoff hockey together, and certainly no more trolling around bars trying to find women… women that we might one day fall in love with and end up marrying. But when guys get married, something changes. Usually it has something to do with the overly large ball and chain their wives mount on each ankle.
I wish the ball and chain was the only problem. Unfortunately, there’s more. When a guy gets married, his vocabulary changes. Gone are words like: beer, Halo, touchdown, and Schwarzenegger. They are replaced with words like duvet cover, Cher, and antiquing. Just the sound of those words is enough to make any man cringe. The fundamental change a married man goes through pierces deep into his soul. The married man no long cares about his single friends or his previous pursuits of living life to its fullest. Instead, he worries about job security, life insurance and yard work. That is just seriously BORING!
I’m not saying this because I’m jealous of my friends or because I’m selfish and don’t want to lose them. No, I’m saying this because I care. I’m really worried about people who get married. Mainly, I’m worried about divorce. The latest divorce statistics show that roughly 43% of people who enter into matrimony get divorced. This means that of the five friends of mine that are married or getting married, two will get divorced. This is a very solemn fact indeed. I have to do something.
This is why I’m starting up a betting pool. All of us single guys are going to put money together and bet on who we think will be the two to get divorced. The way I see it, if you get one person right, you get a small amount of money, but if you get both divorcees right, you get a big pile of cash. This brings up an interesting ethical question. Do you stay away from betting on the guy with kids, because statistically he’s less likely to get divorced, or do you put your money on him because the smaller odds means more money comes your way if he does divorce? Unfortunately I don’t have an answer for that. Betting can be tricky.
But I do care about the divorcees, they are my friends after all. As the legal counsel, I advise every guy I know to cross their fingers when they say their vows. You know the: “to have and to hold… for richer or poorer… till death do us part.” That stuff. That way, when the divorce does come (and go ahead and flip a coin, because that’s about your chances of getting a divorce) the wife cannot sue the guy for breaking his vows. I mean, the vows constitute an orally binding contract. And if you break said contract, you could owe tons of money to your ex-wife (hint: it’s called alimony). But by keeping your fingers crossed, you’re signifying that you really aren’t agreeing to the contract, and therefore cannot be held responsible for your actions.
I think I should take the time out here to tell you that I am NOT licensed to practice law in any state in the United States or any other country in the world for that matter. So you may just want to get a prenuptial agreement, just to be safe.
Remember, I write this because I care. We really need to find what’s wrong with America that is causing so many divorces. Personally, I blame the IRS. Wait, stay with me here. Have you tried filling out a Form 1040? You have to figure out if you’re filing as a single, married filing jointly, married filing separately, dependent, or head of household. Seems simple enough, right? Well apparently not. And if it’s hard for me, just imagine how hard it is for married couples. Let me explain:
I’m single and by default that means I’m the head of my household. So I mark boxes 1 and 5. Then the IRS tells me that I can only choose one box. I would like to choose the one choice that saves me the most money, but I have a feeling the IRS wants me to mark the “single” box because they would like to keep my money for themselves. I can respect that. I happen to have a very strong attachment to my money. It’s nice to know that the IRS is just as dedicated to my money as I am.
But we have to put a stop to them, they’re ruining the married life of America. And I base this solely on the fact that I hate paying taxes. And since I’m pretty sure you hate paying taxes too, I’m certain you’ll get on board with me. I know there is no “logical” or “reasonable” correlation between divorces and taxes. But I think we can all agree that divorces are bad… and taxes are bad. And if they’re both bad, there has to be something connecting them. I don’t know what the connection is and I don’t want to speculate to its exact nature. Now that would be irresponsible.I think we should petition the government to abolish taxes for married people.
I think, with a reasonable amount of certainty, that it would cause people to stay married much, much longer. I think the reasons are obvious. If married people didn’t have to pay taxes, then there would be no reason for husband and wife to hate each other. Thus they would live long, healthy, fruitful lives together. Remember, I’m saying this because I care. I care about our country, I care about married couples everywhere, and I care about my friends who strapped to heavy cast-iron blocks that permanently restrict their movement.
So, what have we learned today? First, that married men are by definition: boring. Second, that the IRS is to blame for every single divorce in America, and the only way to curtail divorce is to eliminate taxes for married couples. Lastly, and most importantly, the word “antiquing” should be removed from the English language permanently.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to marriage as an institution. I’m opposed to never seeing my friends again. No more late nights playing video games, no more watching playoff hockey together, and certainly no more trolling around bars trying to find women… women that we might one day fall in love with and end up marrying. But when guys get married, something changes. Usually it has something to do with the overly large ball and chain their wives mount on each ankle.
I wish the ball and chain was the only problem. Unfortunately, there’s more. When a guy gets married, his vocabulary changes. Gone are words like: beer, Halo, touchdown, and Schwarzenegger. They are replaced with words like duvet cover, Cher, and antiquing. Just the sound of those words is enough to make any man cringe. The fundamental change a married man goes through pierces deep into his soul. The married man no long cares about his single friends or his previous pursuits of living life to its fullest. Instead, he worries about job security, life insurance and yard work. That is just seriously BORING!
I’m not saying this because I’m jealous of my friends or because I’m selfish and don’t want to lose them. No, I’m saying this because I care. I’m really worried about people who get married. Mainly, I’m worried about divorce. The latest divorce statistics show that roughly 43% of people who enter into matrimony get divorced. This means that of the five friends of mine that are married or getting married, two will get divorced. This is a very solemn fact indeed. I have to do something.
This is why I’m starting up a betting pool. All of us single guys are going to put money together and bet on who we think will be the two to get divorced. The way I see it, if you get one person right, you get a small amount of money, but if you get both divorcees right, you get a big pile of cash. This brings up an interesting ethical question. Do you stay away from betting on the guy with kids, because statistically he’s less likely to get divorced, or do you put your money on him because the smaller odds means more money comes your way if he does divorce? Unfortunately I don’t have an answer for that. Betting can be tricky.
But I do care about the divorcees, they are my friends after all. As the legal counsel, I advise every guy I know to cross their fingers when they say their vows. You know the: “to have and to hold… for richer or poorer… till death do us part.” That stuff. That way, when the divorce does come (and go ahead and flip a coin, because that’s about your chances of getting a divorce) the wife cannot sue the guy for breaking his vows. I mean, the vows constitute an orally binding contract. And if you break said contract, you could owe tons of money to your ex-wife (hint: it’s called alimony). But by keeping your fingers crossed, you’re signifying that you really aren’t agreeing to the contract, and therefore cannot be held responsible for your actions.
I think I should take the time out here to tell you that I am NOT licensed to practice law in any state in the United States or any other country in the world for that matter. So you may just want to get a prenuptial agreement, just to be safe.
Remember, I write this because I care. We really need to find what’s wrong with America that is causing so many divorces. Personally, I blame the IRS. Wait, stay with me here. Have you tried filling out a Form 1040? You have to figure out if you’re filing as a single, married filing jointly, married filing separately, dependent, or head of household. Seems simple enough, right? Well apparently not. And if it’s hard for me, just imagine how hard it is for married couples. Let me explain:
I’m single and by default that means I’m the head of my household. So I mark boxes 1 and 5. Then the IRS tells me that I can only choose one box. I would like to choose the one choice that saves me the most money, but I have a feeling the IRS wants me to mark the “single” box because they would like to keep my money for themselves. I can respect that. I happen to have a very strong attachment to my money. It’s nice to know that the IRS is just as dedicated to my money as I am.
But we have to put a stop to them, they’re ruining the married life of America. And I base this solely on the fact that I hate paying taxes. And since I’m pretty sure you hate paying taxes too, I’m certain you’ll get on board with me. I know there is no “logical” or “reasonable” correlation between divorces and taxes. But I think we can all agree that divorces are bad… and taxes are bad. And if they’re both bad, there has to be something connecting them. I don’t know what the connection is and I don’t want to speculate to its exact nature. Now that would be irresponsible.I think we should petition the government to abolish taxes for married people.
I think, with a reasonable amount of certainty, that it would cause people to stay married much, much longer. I think the reasons are obvious. If married people didn’t have to pay taxes, then there would be no reason for husband and wife to hate each other. Thus they would live long, healthy, fruitful lives together. Remember, I’m saying this because I care. I care about our country, I care about married couples everywhere, and I care about my friends who strapped to heavy cast-iron blocks that permanently restrict their movement.
So, what have we learned today? First, that married men are by definition: boring. Second, that the IRS is to blame for every single divorce in America, and the only way to curtail divorce is to eliminate taxes for married couples. Lastly, and most importantly, the word “antiquing” should be removed from the English language permanently.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Beer or Wine? Either Way, You’re Drunk.
According to a recent Gallup Poll, the amount of people in America who prefer wine as their alcohol of choice now equals that of beer. This is a big change since beer has long been the favorite spirit for American drinkers. Unlike most people, I saw this shift coming. All you have to do is look at the biggest alcoholics in the country, college students. Apparently keg parties are no longer in style. It’s the boxed wine party that’s all the rage at the frat houses these days. And forget your beer bong, just drink straight from the wine bottle. Just imagine the youth of America doing keg stands on boxes of cheap wine. Hey, it’s possible.
The study goes on to state that Americans’ taste in wine has changed as well. It seems we now enjoy the cheaper, less sophisticated wine. Yet, beer drinks have been switching to the more expensive, more developed microbrews. Why is this? People now realize that drinking wine gets you drunk. Amazing. It doesn’t matter if you know the difference between a pinot grigio and a pinot noir, because a three-dollar bottle of wine is more than enough to make you forget the worries of your day.
But why the change in beer preferences? Why does the exact opposite happen to beer drinkers? The answer is much more complicated. Apparently, people like to drink things that taste good. Ok, maybe that wasn’t so complicated. Less people are drinking beer for the sole purpose of getting drunk. Nowadays, people drink beer for enjoyment, and as such, they want an enjoyable beer to drink. Cheap beer isn’t exactly tasty. It’s more like refuse from a third grade science project gone wrong. You might as well pay the extra fifty cents a bottle to drink something that is actually fit to go down a human throat.
I think we need to look at the bigger picture here. Our society is changing. We are no longer the beer guzzling, burger eating alcoholics we once were. We have evolved. We are now calamari eating alcoholic winos. And yes, I’m sure this is a step up. No more beer guts for the guys. And I’m sure wine-breath smells much nicer than beer-breath. You can also thank wine for not being carbonated like beer, hence no belching.
So, I say to you: its time to jump on the bandwagon. This Sunday, when you’re getting together with the guys to watch football, why not bring over a bottle of wine or two instead of the usual six pack? Just don’t worry about bringing the wine glasses. Wine tastes just as well out of a pint glass as it does out of a wine glass, and you can fit more into a pint glass. I’m perfectly sure that none of your friends will laugh at you. And by that I mean that they will laugh at you, a lot. Just remind them that they all have beer bellies, and you don’t.
In this low carb age, liquor has become more popular. Both beer and wine are loaded with carbs, but liquor, depending on the type, isn’t. Single malt scotch, for example, has absolutely no carbs. Of course, with liquor you must be watchful of your mixer since it can add a lot of carbs to your drink. The usual soda or fruit juices aren’t an option anymore. For scotch, that isn’t a problem, you are supposed to drink it by itself or with a splash of water. But what to do with vodka? Vodka and water just doesn’t go together well. Yet vodka and skim milk does go together. Well, maybe not, but it’s better than vodka and water. And not only are you avoiding carbs, but you’re getting some well-deserved calcium as well. See, alcohol can be very healthy as well as intoxicating.
If you do decide to drink, no matter what your potable of choice is, I must urge you to do one thing. It is most vital to the safety and welfare of our nation. Please, when drinking, buy domestic. If you’re going to be killing your brain cells and lowering your inhibitions for no good reason, the least you could do is to think of the American economy, and all those hard working folks that labor day after day to bring you the much needed booze that you desire. The men and women who work in the breweries and distilleries and wineries have kids and spouses to take care of. They are planning for college and retirement, and they can’t do it without your hard earned dollars. Buying domestic brands makes a difference. Yes, even as an alcoholic, you can make a difference.
The study goes on to state that Americans’ taste in wine has changed as well. It seems we now enjoy the cheaper, less sophisticated wine. Yet, beer drinks have been switching to the more expensive, more developed microbrews. Why is this? People now realize that drinking wine gets you drunk. Amazing. It doesn’t matter if you know the difference between a pinot grigio and a pinot noir, because a three-dollar bottle of wine is more than enough to make you forget the worries of your day.
But why the change in beer preferences? Why does the exact opposite happen to beer drinkers? The answer is much more complicated. Apparently, people like to drink things that taste good. Ok, maybe that wasn’t so complicated. Less people are drinking beer for the sole purpose of getting drunk. Nowadays, people drink beer for enjoyment, and as such, they want an enjoyable beer to drink. Cheap beer isn’t exactly tasty. It’s more like refuse from a third grade science project gone wrong. You might as well pay the extra fifty cents a bottle to drink something that is actually fit to go down a human throat.
I think we need to look at the bigger picture here. Our society is changing. We are no longer the beer guzzling, burger eating alcoholics we once were. We have evolved. We are now calamari eating alcoholic winos. And yes, I’m sure this is a step up. No more beer guts for the guys. And I’m sure wine-breath smells much nicer than beer-breath. You can also thank wine for not being carbonated like beer, hence no belching.
So, I say to you: its time to jump on the bandwagon. This Sunday, when you’re getting together with the guys to watch football, why not bring over a bottle of wine or two instead of the usual six pack? Just don’t worry about bringing the wine glasses. Wine tastes just as well out of a pint glass as it does out of a wine glass, and you can fit more into a pint glass. I’m perfectly sure that none of your friends will laugh at you. And by that I mean that they will laugh at you, a lot. Just remind them that they all have beer bellies, and you don’t.
In this low carb age, liquor has become more popular. Both beer and wine are loaded with carbs, but liquor, depending on the type, isn’t. Single malt scotch, for example, has absolutely no carbs. Of course, with liquor you must be watchful of your mixer since it can add a lot of carbs to your drink. The usual soda or fruit juices aren’t an option anymore. For scotch, that isn’t a problem, you are supposed to drink it by itself or with a splash of water. But what to do with vodka? Vodka and water just doesn’t go together well. Yet vodka and skim milk does go together. Well, maybe not, but it’s better than vodka and water. And not only are you avoiding carbs, but you’re getting some well-deserved calcium as well. See, alcohol can be very healthy as well as intoxicating.
If you do decide to drink, no matter what your potable of choice is, I must urge you to do one thing. It is most vital to the safety and welfare of our nation. Please, when drinking, buy domestic. If you’re going to be killing your brain cells and lowering your inhibitions for no good reason, the least you could do is to think of the American economy, and all those hard working folks that labor day after day to bring you the much needed booze that you desire. The men and women who work in the breweries and distilleries and wineries have kids and spouses to take care of. They are planning for college and retirement, and they can’t do it without your hard earned dollars. Buying domestic brands makes a difference. Yes, even as an alcoholic, you can make a difference.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
