Lately I’ve been doing a lot of driving. I have to drive around 20-30 minutes via the interstate to get to Raleigh to watch the Carolina Hurricanes play in the Stanley Cup finals. But I talked a lot about hockey last week, so I think I’ll stay away from that subject today. Today I want to talk to you about my car.
My car has yet to cease to impress me. The car is eleven years old and has needed very little in the way of maintenance. Let me give you a quick walk through of the history of my car: Built in 1995 in Detroit Michigan by the Ford Motor Company, the car was then shipped by a very large boat to Seoul, South Korea. There my parents drove the car for two years. After my dad’s tour in South Korea was done, the car was again shipped by very large boat back to the US, eventually coming to Fayetteville, North Carolina, which is about as close to a foreign country as South Korea is. The car remained there until 2002, when I brought it up to Chapel Hill with me. Since then, the car has driven to Florida twice, to the beach numerous times, and even up into the Appalachian Mountains twice.
The point of that entire story is to show how that car was built in the US, but shipped half way around the world, and then back again, and it is still in one piece. Well, mostly one piece. Maybe a few pieces. Hey, it passes the North Carolina state inspection every year, so that’s good enough for me. I mean, nobody said the rear windshield wiper had to work; most cars don’t even have those anyway.
I’m sure you’re wondering now what kind of car exactly is it that I drive. Well, to be thorough, it is a 1995 Ford Escort station wagon. Oh, and it’s green, specifically medium green . I’m sure blue or white would have been too inconspicuous. But at least it’s easy to find my car in a parking lot. I mean, if you can see around the enormously large SUVs that seem to shield my view of it all the time.
Seriously though, the station wagon is great. In college, I ended up dubbing it the “Man-wagon” due to the fact that we could squeeze a rather large number of men into it. We could have put girls in there, but have you ever tried picking up chicks in an 11 year old station wagon? Yeah, it’s not pretty. Actually, a friend of mine was able to hit on some girls while he was sitting in the back seat of the car at a city jail once in Myrtle Beach, but I ended up driving away from the girls prematurely. What can I say? That had “bad idea” written all over it. Although, the girls just getting out of the jail did seem rather nice…
What was I doing at a city jail at 2am, you ask. Well, that’s a story for a different time. Today, we’re talking about my car. In fact, I think the Escort is underrated by most car owners. It has several key features that people tend to overlook. First off is the gas mileage. I consistently get 30 miles to the gallon or even higher for longer road trips. And the way gas prices are going, I don’t think I could own one of those environment hating SUVs.
The second feature, which I can only assume comes standard on the car, is the car’s sensitivity on the highway. Every tiny bump, every little pebble, any abnormality on the road can be felt by the driver. This is a unique safety feature you don’t find on most cars. See the car’s support system is specifically designed to allow the driver to feel everything on the road surface so that he knows what he’s driving on. If the stretch of interstate I’m driving on is bumpy, I’ll be the first one of the road to notice. The people driving around in those luxury SUVs won’t be able to tell what they’re driving on, which gives me a distinct advantage over them.
Another great feature on the car is its ability to drain the old, used engine coolant out of the reservoir. Most cars just continue using old coolant to reduce the heat in the engine over and over and over again. My car jettison’s it from time to time to make sure my coolant stays fresh. Ok, so the car’s manual doesn’t say anything about using fresh coolant, and I’ve never heard anyone say that coolant goes bad after a while. But my car just takes the extra necessary steps to keep me safe. It even tells me after it shoots out the coolant by turning on the “Check Coolant” light next to the steering wheel. Now is that a great feature or what? You know what: do me a favor… don’t answer that question.
I have to say though I do like the station wagon. Of course, it does damage my otherwise extremely manly machismo, but the extended trunk space and hatch back are exceptionally utilitarian. I can pile a bunch of hockey gear in the back and fill the car up with people and get to where I’m going, no problem. Of course, the four cylinder engine won’t get me there in record speed (unless you’re talking about the record for lowest speed since I hold four of those currently), but it will get me there eventually.
The car is also great for moving. Last time I moved, I was able to throw several couches in the back (one at a time, of course) and transport them to my new place. Luckily I only had to travel one block. I don’t think the local police would appreciate me driving around with my trunk open and half a couch hanging out the back and dangling precariously over the edge. Let me tell you, balancing a sofa inside the trunk of a station wagon so it doesn’t fall out when you go over a speed bump is no small feat. Of course, for all that effort, I probably could have carried it for the entire block, but that would require me to carry a sofa for an entire block. So spending an extra half hour getting the thing shoved into the back of my car, well worth it.
Unfortunately, for all its great features and resiliency, my car does have some problems. Age is not always so kind to an automobile. But the problems are mostly minor, and it’s nothing that I can’t do without. Although, the button for the rear defrost is broken, so during the winter time, I have to manually hold it down with my thumb to keep the hot air pouring onto my back window so I can eventually see out of it. That can be a pain, but hey, I’m sure it’s just another safety feature making sure I don’t overheat the glass back there. Wow, a lot of high class engineering went into this car, as you can no doubt tell.
I guess I could get rid of my car and go out and buy one of those gas guzzling SUVs. Being a whore to foreign oil isn’t such a bad thing, is it? But I just can’t help but think I’m better off with my Escort, and no, I’m not talking about an escort you get from the phone book (if you don’t get that joke, look up the word “escort” in the yellow pages, trust me, they’ll be lots of entries there). Make fun of my “man-wagon” all you want, but just answer me one question: “Can you fit a sofa into the back of your smog emitting SUV?” Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Showing posts with label oil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label oil. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Quench My Thirst with Gasoline
Has anyone tried to fill up their gas tank recently? If you have, then you know that gas prices are getting out of control. I understood when prices went through to roof after hurricane Katrina. And I understood what happened to gas prices when the war in Iraq started. But what I don’t understand, now that we’ve fixed the pipelines that were damaged during Katrina and have been in Iraq for several years, is how the gas prices have gone to all new highs. But fear not, I have a solution. We can all conserve energy if we travel by rickshaw. You don’t have to worry about gas prices and you get a workout. It’s a win-win situation.
Let’s be honest with ourselves, traveling by rickshaw is going to become common practice in America soon. The way gas prices keep going up, we’re not going to be able to afford taxi cabs anymore. If memory serves, I was paying half as much to fill up my gas tank only five years ago. This is a problem that is going to get worse before it gets better. So we have to act fast if we’re going to combat this oil situation.
I think the first thing we need to do is to make hummers illegal. Seriously, what’s the point in owning a hummer? Civilian models have very little in common with the military grade Humvee. The military Humvee has a lower center of gravity and has far superior off-road capabilities. And I just don’t see the point in buying a civilian hummer when you can’t connect a .50 caliber machine gun on the top. A .50 caliber commands the fear and respect you deserve in the neighborhood. But since the civilian model doesn’t drive fear into anyone’s heart, I think we should make it illegal.
The second thing we need to do is to send flowers to all the countries in OPEC. I know sending some expensive flowers to a girl after you’ve screwed up goes a long way towards saying “I’m sorry.” It shows that you really mean it. We have obviously done something to upset the countries of OPEC and I think it’s time we make amends. So if we just send a bouquet of flowers to each country with a card that says “We’re sorry. We really, really mean it this time,” I think we will see more affordable gas prices in a few months.
The last thing that needs to be done is to invent better technology. I think you all know what I’m talking about. It’s the year 2006! Where’s our flying cars? Seriously, we were promised flying cars in the new millennium. Every sci-fi movie from the 80’s said so. And here it is, six years AFTER the millennium, and we don’t have a single flying car. I think the scientific community needs to get off their butts and start inventing some of them already. I’m not entirely sure how this will help us with over-priced petroleum, but I want my flying car, darn it!
But until we get our flying cars, we’ll have to travel by rickshaw. I realize this is a step backwards in scientific evolution, but a necessary one. This is not only for energy conservation, but for health reasons too.
Obesity is a huge problem in America (excuse my pun). Children these days are growing up indoors. They’re too busy playing X-box and watching their 300 channels of digital cable and Tivo. Now, I want everyone to know, I have nothing against videogames or the television industry. As for Tivo: I refuse to pay a monthly fee for a service that is easily handled by a 15 year old VCR. I do have something against parents who watch their kids get increasingly unhealthy and do nothing about it.
Kids need to get out and get some exercise. I’m a huge proponent of team sports. Not only will it give your children the exercise they need for a healthy lifestyle, it also will teach them harsh lessons about life. Those that are good will excel. Those that don’t do well will be teased, bullied and generally beaten up. Kids need to get exposed to this behavior early on because it will continue throughout their lives. Corporate America loves winners. Those who under perform in the workplace will be teased, laughed at and have their stapler stolen. At least this is what I learned from the movie Office Space.
The bottom line is that kids aren’t getting enough exercise and they’re not eating healthy. People need to quit sending their kids to McDonalds and Pizza Hut and start feeding them some healthy, well rounded meals. You have to force your kids to eat their vegetables. And no, french-fries are not considered a good vegetable dish. In fact, avoid anything fried altogether. The way I see it, the worse tasting a food is, the healthier it is. So give your children the worst tasting food they’ve ever had to endure. Why? Because that’s what your parents did to you when you were a kid, and now it’s your chance to punish your kids with absolute cruelty. Um… I mean… it’s for their own good. That’s what I meant. Solving the childhood obesity problem is easy. It’s the oil problem that’s going to be difficult.
In reality folks, it IS the year 2006. We have put a man on the moon, learned how to clone sheep, made Anna Nicole Smith a pinup – then a fat talk show host – and then a pinup again, and have made porn free to everyone via the internet. The things we have accomplished are amazing. I know if we just put our minds and effort behind it, we can solve the petroleum problem. It’s either that, or we all go out and buy a rickshaw.
• http://www.answers.com/rickshaw
Let’s be honest with ourselves, traveling by rickshaw is going to become common practice in America soon. The way gas prices keep going up, we’re not going to be able to afford taxi cabs anymore. If memory serves, I was paying half as much to fill up my gas tank only five years ago. This is a problem that is going to get worse before it gets better. So we have to act fast if we’re going to combat this oil situation.
I think the first thing we need to do is to make hummers illegal. Seriously, what’s the point in owning a hummer? Civilian models have very little in common with the military grade Humvee. The military Humvee has a lower center of gravity and has far superior off-road capabilities. And I just don’t see the point in buying a civilian hummer when you can’t connect a .50 caliber machine gun on the top. A .50 caliber commands the fear and respect you deserve in the neighborhood. But since the civilian model doesn’t drive fear into anyone’s heart, I think we should make it illegal.
The second thing we need to do is to send flowers to all the countries in OPEC. I know sending some expensive flowers to a girl after you’ve screwed up goes a long way towards saying “I’m sorry.” It shows that you really mean it. We have obviously done something to upset the countries of OPEC and I think it’s time we make amends. So if we just send a bouquet of flowers to each country with a card that says “We’re sorry. We really, really mean it this time,” I think we will see more affordable gas prices in a few months.
The last thing that needs to be done is to invent better technology. I think you all know what I’m talking about. It’s the year 2006! Where’s our flying cars? Seriously, we were promised flying cars in the new millennium. Every sci-fi movie from the 80’s said so. And here it is, six years AFTER the millennium, and we don’t have a single flying car. I think the scientific community needs to get off their butts and start inventing some of them already. I’m not entirely sure how this will help us with over-priced petroleum, but I want my flying car, darn it!
But until we get our flying cars, we’ll have to travel by rickshaw. I realize this is a step backwards in scientific evolution, but a necessary one. This is not only for energy conservation, but for health reasons too.
Obesity is a huge problem in America (excuse my pun). Children these days are growing up indoors. They’re too busy playing X-box and watching their 300 channels of digital cable and Tivo. Now, I want everyone to know, I have nothing against videogames or the television industry. As for Tivo: I refuse to pay a monthly fee for a service that is easily handled by a 15 year old VCR. I do have something against parents who watch their kids get increasingly unhealthy and do nothing about it.
Kids need to get out and get some exercise. I’m a huge proponent of team sports. Not only will it give your children the exercise they need for a healthy lifestyle, it also will teach them harsh lessons about life. Those that are good will excel. Those that don’t do well will be teased, bullied and generally beaten up. Kids need to get exposed to this behavior early on because it will continue throughout their lives. Corporate America loves winners. Those who under perform in the workplace will be teased, laughed at and have their stapler stolen. At least this is what I learned from the movie Office Space.
The bottom line is that kids aren’t getting enough exercise and they’re not eating healthy. People need to quit sending their kids to McDonalds and Pizza Hut and start feeding them some healthy, well rounded meals. You have to force your kids to eat their vegetables. And no, french-fries are not considered a good vegetable dish. In fact, avoid anything fried altogether. The way I see it, the worse tasting a food is, the healthier it is. So give your children the worst tasting food they’ve ever had to endure. Why? Because that’s what your parents did to you when you were a kid, and now it’s your chance to punish your kids with absolute cruelty. Um… I mean… it’s for their own good. That’s what I meant. Solving the childhood obesity problem is easy. It’s the oil problem that’s going to be difficult.
In reality folks, it IS the year 2006. We have put a man on the moon, learned how to clone sheep, made Anna Nicole Smith a pinup – then a fat talk show host – and then a pinup again, and have made porn free to everyone via the internet. The things we have accomplished are amazing. I know if we just put our minds and effort behind it, we can solve the petroleum problem. It’s either that, or we all go out and buy a rickshaw.
• http://www.answers.com/rickshaw
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