My Wii is Totally Bigger Than Yours

Well, I haven’t talked about video games in a while, so I think it’s time I did. Mainly I want to talk about my Wii. Hey, I’m a guy, I’m obsessed with my Wii. That’s just how it is. And I’m going to brag about it as much as possible, because I have one and many of you out there don’t. So Nyah!

My renewed interest in gaming has been brought on partially by my friend Anthony who is staying with me until the end of the week. We’ve been battling back and forth on some Wii Sports, and I’ve narrowly missed being hit in the head on multiple occasions. As it turns out, Anthony really gets into his tennis. On a whim, I ran out yesterday and bought Madden 2007 (that’s NFL Football for those of you living in caves out there). The new version of Madden comes out on August 14th, so the price of the old game has dropped considerably. And in this age of $600 priced consoles, I need every single dollar I can save. For the record, for six hundred friggin dollars, that Sony console better damn well transform into Blaster or at least Soundwave.

If you haven’t played Madden on the Wii, then you haven’t played Madden football before. I mean, wow. The controls aren’t perfect, and it takes a little getting used to, but the game is sheer awesomeness. You know, if awesomeness was tangible and you could turn it into a compact disc and shove it into my Nintendo, then yeah, that’d be Madden. I can only expect that the next installment is going to be even better. My only real reason for picking up an updated copy of the game in two months would be to get Devin Hester’s upgraded performance. Oh yeah, Chicago is going to be the best team in the game just because you’ll be able to run back every kick off with them.

I’m not sure if I have to say this, but I spent the better part of the day yesterday playing simulated football. It was fun, it was a fresh new way to play Madden, and it was tiring. In fact, my arms are still a bit sore from attempting to get Rex Grossman to rifle the ball to his receivers. A “laser-rocket” arm, he has not. Well, ok, maybe I only passed to Muhsin Muhammad, but in my defense, Chicago really isn’t much of a well rounded passing team.

The moral of this story? My arm hurts. And to top it off, I have a hockey game tonight. If we lose our hockey game, well, it’s just going to be EA’s fault. And I have absolutely no qualms about blaming my lack of ability on a video game designer. Pride is not something I worry about too often. On the plus side, my Wii-antics are actually a great form of exercise. According to a U.K. study, playing 12 hours of Wii Sports a week will burn off an estimated 1,800 calories. That could translate into a weight loss of 12 kilograms (or 26.4 pounds for those of you not entirely comfortable with alien metrics) over a prolonged period of time.

This shouldn’t be anything new. I mean, playing with my Wii has always burned off a few extra calories at the end of the day. And I’ve always found that playing with my Wii is a great way to jump start my morning and get me energized. Now I have scientific proof (and yes, one study conducted across the Atlantic does qualify as infallible proof) that playing with my Wii is good for my body. I just think I should point out that girls can get a fantastic work out as well by coming over and playing with my Wii. Every girl who has gotten her hands on my Wii so far has enjoyed it immensely. I’m just putting that out there.

Well, if we’re done with the double entendres (and I’m not entirely sure that I am just yet), we can move on to more important matters: football. I hadn’t realized how much I missed the sport until I eviscerated a guy with Brian Urlacher yesterday. Seriously, that was awesome. I can’t wait to see him do that in real life. And I only have to wait until the season starts on Sunday, September 9th. That’s not too far off now, is it?

No seriously, football season needs to hurry up. If for no other reason then it will give the guys on Sports Center something to talk about. The NBA finals and NHL finals are both over, and were both skipped over by the mass of the populace. Although I’m sure the three people watching game five of the Stanley Cup enjoyed it immeasurably. And let’s be honest with ourselves here, you can only say so much about baseball.

And so the countdown begins. The NFL draft is over, along with free-agency for the off-season, so now it’s time to size up all of the teams and pick out our favorites to win. Or it would be if that made any sense. Yes, sure the Patriots had great off-season acquisitions, and sure the Chargers may have problems without a coaching staff (I think one of the janitors got promoted to offensive coordinator) and for sure the Bears will make the playoffs again if only for the sole reason that their division sucks (and I mean no offense to Brett Farve, but aside from Chicago’s defense, the NFC north doesn’t have much to be lauded these days). But I was thinking, and really, this is just a crazy idea, that maybe we should wait until the actual season starts before we go all crazy with our football-talk. I mean, after the first two weeks, all of the guys on ESPN will be switching their picks for conference winners anyway. So do you think you can spare me from some of the needless confabulation now? Maybe…? No? No, I didn’t think so. Guess I’ll just have to watch cartoons instead of ESPN until the season starts. Darn.

And just for the record, I don’t care if Rex Grossman isn’t a Peyton Manning, or a Tom Brady, or a Donovan McNabb, or even a Jeff Garcia, or that third string guy who plays for the 49ers (he may have completed a pass once or twice in his life, I think)… I really don’t care about any of that, Rex is still my hero.

Don’t forget, only two more weeks until the new Transformers movie (for better or worse). As I have been compulsorily required to do by my love of all things Transformers, here is this week’s quote:

“Me Grimlock no bozo. Me king!”
-Grimlock

To Health, Happiness, and Fast Food

I am a bastion of healthiness and wellbeing. I am in tune with my body and everything it needs to survive and flourish. I just thought you might want to know that. Unfortunately, even though I know what my body needs, I don’t always see fit to give it the required nutritional supplements. So basically, I was being facetious in that first sentence. I’m not healthy, I’m actually rather lazy.

I could blame the problem on the fact that there is a Hardee’s and a Wendy’s right down the street from me. Or that there is a Bojangles and a McDonald’s not too far away either. But is it really the fault of fast food companies that I am eating poorly? Yes, it is. Well, actually no it isn’t. It’s just easier to blame it on fast food chains. Otherwise I’d have to blame my problems on myself, and I’m not really all that great at taking responsibility for my own actions.

But really, I think we should start at the beginning. The major problem isn’t the proximity of fast food joints. My problem is that I have yet to go grocery shopping. Seriously, it’s been like a month. One look in my fridge and you can easily confirm that I’m a single guy. Every bachelor has a fridge with several different kinds of condiments, but no real food of any sort. And no, leftover Chinese take-out does not qualify as substantial real food.

So, upon opening my refrigerator door, you will see a bottle of ketchup, a bottle of mustard, a bottle of Worcestershire sauce (and yes, I had to get the bottle out of the fridge in order to spell it properly), some pickled relish, a squeeze tube of mayo, three cans of beer, and about a pint of milk that may or may not have gone bad already. Seriously, I’m afraid to open it and find out. Luckily for me, I cleaned out the fridge, more or less, about a month ago. It’s a good thing too, some of the stuff I had in there was look really, really nasty. It wasn’t exactly what I’d call edible. And of course, the fridge is devoid of any fruits of vegetables whatsoever. This isn’t because I don’t like eating my veggies, it’s that I just don’t trust vegetarians.

I’m pretty sure I’ve spawned new forms of life in the back of my food cooling unit, but I had to throw those in the dumpster. That may sound cruel to you lovers of prokaryotes out there, but let me assure you, I’m only insuring that the fittest forms of mold and bacterial life are allowed to thrive on this planet. And yes, this is important. I know some of you think that mold growing on food is icky and yucky. Well, that may be, but just remember that penicillin is a form of mold. And it was the discovery of penicillin that helped the Allies win World War II. Too bad fungus can’t be awarded the Medal of Honor. So just remember, the next time you take an antibiotic, you’re ingesting good old fashioned mold. Yummy.

So now you know the conundrum that I’m in. I have no food in storage at my house, so if I’m hungry, I have to go elsewhere to get it. Of course, I could go grocery shopping. But that would take valuable time and effort. And of course, I only think to go grocery shopping when I’m hungry. So why would I want to wait to buy food, then take all that time to cook it up when I can go and get something already prepared and ready for me to eat right now? This is why lately I have ended up at Wendy’s drive through window. What can I say? I’m a sucker for the 99 cent menu.

I have to say though, I have been doing one thing lately that is very healthy. I’ve been drinking plenty of water. In fact, it’s about the only thing I drink these days. Occasionally I’ll have some juice or Gatorade (or milk if it hasn’t turned into cottage cheese yet), but the vast majority of the time, its water. The benefits of this are twofold: One, water is cheap, so I don’t waste money on soda’s like I used to. And two, I’m not drinking down empty calories and needless amounts of sugar. I also don’t drink near the amount of caffeine that I used to. Which means now, if I have a Cherry Coke any time after 2pm, it’ll keep me awake pretty much all night.

How healthy can a substance be if it keeps me awake until four in the morning? Well, caffeine is a natural product that is found in over 60 varieties of plants. So it won’t cause you to go blind or deaf like NutraSweet might. The downside is that caffeine acts as a natural pesticide that paralyzes and kills certain insects that feed on these plants. Congratulations! You’re drinking pesticide. Isn’t that just super?

Although caffeine is relatively safe for humans (apparently we can metabolize the compound rather efficiently compared to insects), there are still some unwanted side effects. Prolonged use of caffeine can lead to irritability, anxiety, insomnia, and hyperreflexia (yeah, I have no idea what that is either). Caffeine can also increase the amount of acid in the stomach and therefore can cause peptic ulcers. So yeah, large amounts of naturally occurring pesticide are harmful to you. I’m glad we were able to figure that one out.

Just remember what you read here the next time you down a Red Bull or Mountain Dew. I may be surviving off of Wendy’s Super Value Menu, but at least I don’t have over-caffeinated symptoms. Well, ok, I might be just a slight bit irritable. But that is only because I find about 90% of humanity to be extremely annoying or incredibly ignorant. And ignorant people are annoying. So just remember, if I seem irritable, it’s not because I just chugged an entire two liter bottle of Live Wire Mountain Dew, it’s because you’re an idiot.

But you’ll have to excuse me, I’m getting awfully hungry just sitting here. I think it’s time to go out and pick up some food. Don’t you worry about me though. Even if I succumb to the siren’s song that is the fast food industry, I will still be able to live a healthy life. I plan on working off all of those calories that I consume today. I’m playing football later tonight. No, not the football with the running and the passing and the tackling. I’m talking about video game college football. There’s nothing like laying back in a recliner and playing some good old fashioned hard hitting All American football. Hey, my thumbs can burn off all the calories I need. Honestly, running outdoors is totally overrated.

Exercising for Dummies

So a friend of mine and his wife recently started a diet. Good for them! Unfortunately, they haven’t started a regular exercise program yet. And as we all know, diet and exercise go together. Of course, you can lose weight by dieting without exercising. It’s highly effective and a rather cheap way to lose weight. I believe its called anorexia. Hey, it can work just as well for guys as it does for girls. Give it a try today!

And what I mean is, don’t actually do that. Anorexia is bad. You need to eat. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like a two dimensional stick figure that is easily blown around on a windy day right in front of an 18 wheeler whose solid steel frame is much more dense than your pathetic sack of bones and skin. So unless this sounds like your idea of a fun day, make sure you keep eating, three meals a day preferably.

But since my friends haven’t put together a workable exercise routine yet, I decided to do it for them. So here I have a comprehensive list of exercises to work the various muscles in the body to receive a total workout. I think I should take this time to reiterate that I am NOT a doctor, nutritionist, physical therapist, junior high PE teacher, or someone who has actually read a book or two on the subject.

First up are aerobic exercises. Aerobic exercises work on increasing endurance levels of your muscles. The most basic of these is jogging, where you just run for an extended period of time. BORING! I spent some time here coming up with new ideas to make the aerobic workout more exciting.

1. Shopping mall picture scavenger hunt: While your wife/girlfriend/significant other is busy trying on clothes, pull out your digital camera, you’re going on a scavenger hunt. Look for these things: a video game demo, a new car being showcased, the information stand, any Craftsman power tool, a pay phone, a group of high schoolers who obviously have nothing better to do than hang out at the local mall, and a guy who is actually waiting patiently for his wife/girlfriend/significant other to finish trying on clothes. And remember, you have to get all these pictures before she finishes trying on her clothes and notices you missing. So that’s about a good 20 minutes.

2. The gauntlet: Run down a series of narrow European style roads, dodging and weaving around every corner to avoid the German sniper fire. This is either the most effective aerobic training ever, or I have been playing way too many video games lately. I’ll let you decide.

3. Interstate cycling: Get on your bike and ride on the interstate. But there is no wussy riding on the shoulder crap here. You’re riding in the lanes just like a regular car. If you can’t go 70 miles per hour using only pedal power, then you aren’t in shape. The various cars and trucks whizzing around you and riding your tail that could easily turn you into road kill should be incentive enough to push yourself.

Well those are just a few aerobic exercises you can try out. If you noticed, there’s not much new to them. It’s mainly just running and bicycling. The trick is in the motivation. If you’re about to get run over by a soccer mom in a gas guzzling SUV, then I think you’re going to be willing to push it just a little bit harder to spare your life. That’s the general idea at least.

Now its time for muscle building exercises. While the aerobic exercises burn away fat, anaerobic exercises build muscle. And that’s the general idea, less fat, more muscle. Once again, I have my list of unique exercises that will help you do this quicker and with less fuss.

1. Oprah pushups: Go out and buy the latest issue of O Magazine. I can almost guarantee you Oprah will be on the cover. Now lay that magazine in your living room with Oprah’s face staring up at you. Now get down to do some pushups, making sure your face is resting on the magazine when you are in the down position. This way, every time you come down from your pushup you are face to face with the one and only Oprah, giving you the incentive to shove yourself right back into the up position.

2. Break into your friend’s house/apartment and move all of his heavy furniture out onto his front lawn. Make sure you’re there when he comes home to see all of his stuff laying out for birds to crap on so you can have a good laugh. Then, after he beats the crap out of you mercilessly, offer to move it all back into his place for him.

3. Buy a set of weights and start lifting. Then realize after about two days that lifting weights really isn’t your “thing.” Now pull the Xbox out of the closet, which is a feat of strength in itself, and start playing some Halo. Hey, thumbs need exercise too.

Ok, so now we’ve covered the basic parts of exercise, endurance and strength. But before we go, there’s one more facet of exercising we need to cover, and that’s flexibility. You need to make sure to stretch both before and after every workout. This way you won’t pull anything.

You also need to try to improve on your flexibility. From what I hear, you can take yoga, which will help you bend in all sorts of weird ways. You can also do daily stretches on your own. But there are better ways to increase your flexibility. Personally, I think the Kama sutra is the way to go. It blends flexibility with fun! Also, as an added bonus, sex is a great way to burn off extra calories. Although, I doubt this will work well for you married guys out there, sorry.

Well, I hoped you learned a thing or two about keeping healthy today. I know I did. Well, no I didn’t. But the important thing is that you go out there and get some exercise! And while you do, I’ll be in here, playing WWII based video games. Let me tell you, my thumbs are going to be in awesome shape!

Quench My Thirst with Gasoline

Has anyone tried to fill up their gas tank recently? If you have, then you know that gas prices are getting out of control. I understood when prices went through to roof after hurricane Katrina. And I understood what happened to gas prices when the war in Iraq started. But what I don’t understand, now that we’ve fixed the pipelines that were damaged during Katrina and have been in Iraq for several years, is how the gas prices have gone to all new highs. But fear not, I have a solution. We can all conserve energy if we travel by rickshaw. You don’t have to worry about gas prices and you get a workout. It’s a win-win situation.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, traveling by rickshaw is going to become common practice in America soon. The way gas prices keep going up, we’re not going to be able to afford taxi cabs anymore. If memory serves, I was paying half as much to fill up my gas tank only five years ago. This is a problem that is going to get worse before it gets better. So we have to act fast if we’re going to combat this oil situation.

I think the first thing we need to do is to make hummers illegal. Seriously, what’s the point in owning a hummer? Civilian models have very little in common with the military grade Humvee. The military Humvee has a lower center of gravity and has far superior off-road capabilities. And I just don’t see the point in buying a civilian hummer when you can’t connect a .50 caliber machine gun on the top. A .50 caliber commands the fear and respect you deserve in the neighborhood. But since the civilian model doesn’t drive fear into anyone’s heart, I think we should make it illegal.

The second thing we need to do is to send flowers to all the countries in OPEC. I know sending some expensive flowers to a girl after you’ve screwed up goes a long way towards saying “I’m sorry.” It shows that you really mean it. We have obviously done something to upset the countries of OPEC and I think it’s time we make amends. So if we just send a bouquet of flowers to each country with a card that says “We’re sorry. We really, really mean it this time,” I think we will see more affordable gas prices in a few months.

The last thing that needs to be done is to invent better technology. I think you all know what I’m talking about. It’s the year 2006! Where’s our flying cars? Seriously, we were promised flying cars in the new millennium. Every sci-fi movie from the 80’s said so. And here it is, six years AFTER the millennium, and we don’t have a single flying car. I think the scientific community needs to get off their butts and start inventing some of them already. I’m not entirely sure how this will help us with over-priced petroleum, but I want my flying car, darn it!

But until we get our flying cars, we’ll have to travel by rickshaw. I realize this is a step backwards in scientific evolution, but a necessary one. This is not only for energy conservation, but for health reasons too.

Obesity is a huge problem in America (excuse my pun). Children these days are growing up indoors. They’re too busy playing X-box and watching their 300 channels of digital cable and Tivo. Now, I want everyone to know, I have nothing against videogames or the television industry. As for Tivo: I refuse to pay a monthly fee for a service that is easily handled by a 15 year old VCR. I do have something against parents who watch their kids get increasingly unhealthy and do nothing about it.

Kids need to get out and get some exercise. I’m a huge proponent of team sports. Not only will it give your children the exercise they need for a healthy lifestyle, it also will teach them harsh lessons about life. Those that are good will excel. Those that don’t do well will be teased, bullied and generally beaten up. Kids need to get exposed to this behavior early on because it will continue throughout their lives. Corporate America loves winners. Those who under perform in the workplace will be teased, laughed at and have their stapler stolen. At least this is what I learned from the movie Office Space.

The bottom line is that kids aren’t getting enough exercise and they’re not eating healthy. People need to quit sending their kids to McDonalds and Pizza Hut and start feeding them some healthy, well rounded meals. You have to force your kids to eat their vegetables. And no, french-fries are not considered a good vegetable dish. In fact, avoid anything fried altogether. The way I see it, the worse tasting a food is, the healthier it is. So give your children the worst tasting food they’ve ever had to endure. Why? Because that’s what your parents did to you when you were a kid, and now it’s your chance to punish your kids with absolute cruelty. Um… I mean… it’s for their own good. That’s what I meant. Solving the childhood obesity problem is easy. It’s the oil problem that’s going to be difficult.

In reality folks, it IS the year 2006. We have put a man on the moon, learned how to clone sheep, made Anna Nicole Smith a pinup – then a fat talk show host – and then a pinup again, and have made porn free to everyone via the internet. The things we have accomplished are amazing. I know if we just put our minds and effort behind it, we can solve the petroleum problem. It’s either that, or we all go out and buy a rickshaw.

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