Exercising for Dummies

So a friend of mine and his wife recently started a diet. Good for them! Unfortunately, they haven’t started a regular exercise program yet. And as we all know, diet and exercise go together. Of course, you can lose weight by dieting without exercising. It’s highly effective and a rather cheap way to lose weight. I believe its called anorexia. Hey, it can work just as well for guys as it does for girls. Give it a try today!

And what I mean is, don’t actually do that. Anorexia is bad. You need to eat. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like a two dimensional stick figure that is easily blown around on a windy day right in front of an 18 wheeler whose solid steel frame is much more dense than your pathetic sack of bones and skin. So unless this sounds like your idea of a fun day, make sure you keep eating, three meals a day preferably.

But since my friends haven’t put together a workable exercise routine yet, I decided to do it for them. So here I have a comprehensive list of exercises to work the various muscles in the body to receive a total workout. I think I should take this time to reiterate that I am NOT a doctor, nutritionist, physical therapist, junior high PE teacher, or someone who has actually read a book or two on the subject.

First up are aerobic exercises. Aerobic exercises work on increasing endurance levels of your muscles. The most basic of these is jogging, where you just run for an extended period of time. BORING! I spent some time here coming up with new ideas to make the aerobic workout more exciting.

1. Shopping mall picture scavenger hunt: While your wife/girlfriend/significant other is busy trying on clothes, pull out your digital camera, you’re going on a scavenger hunt. Look for these things: a video game demo, a new car being showcased, the information stand, any Craftsman power tool, a pay phone, a group of high schoolers who obviously have nothing better to do than hang out at the local mall, and a guy who is actually waiting patiently for his wife/girlfriend/significant other to finish trying on clothes. And remember, you have to get all these pictures before she finishes trying on her clothes and notices you missing. So that’s about a good 20 minutes.

2. The gauntlet: Run down a series of narrow European style roads, dodging and weaving around every corner to avoid the German sniper fire. This is either the most effective aerobic training ever, or I have been playing way too many video games lately. I’ll let you decide.

3. Interstate cycling: Get on your bike and ride on the interstate. But there is no wussy riding on the shoulder crap here. You’re riding in the lanes just like a regular car. If you can’t go 70 miles per hour using only pedal power, then you aren’t in shape. The various cars and trucks whizzing around you and riding your tail that could easily turn you into road kill should be incentive enough to push yourself.

Well those are just a few aerobic exercises you can try out. If you noticed, there’s not much new to them. It’s mainly just running and bicycling. The trick is in the motivation. If you’re about to get run over by a soccer mom in a gas guzzling SUV, then I think you’re going to be willing to push it just a little bit harder to spare your life. That’s the general idea at least.

Now its time for muscle building exercises. While the aerobic exercises burn away fat, anaerobic exercises build muscle. And that’s the general idea, less fat, more muscle. Once again, I have my list of unique exercises that will help you do this quicker and with less fuss.

1. Oprah pushups: Go out and buy the latest issue of O Magazine. I can almost guarantee you Oprah will be on the cover. Now lay that magazine in your living room with Oprah’s face staring up at you. Now get down to do some pushups, making sure your face is resting on the magazine when you are in the down position. This way, every time you come down from your pushup you are face to face with the one and only Oprah, giving you the incentive to shove yourself right back into the up position.

2. Break into your friend’s house/apartment and move all of his heavy furniture out onto his front lawn. Make sure you’re there when he comes home to see all of his stuff laying out for birds to crap on so you can have a good laugh. Then, after he beats the crap out of you mercilessly, offer to move it all back into his place for him.

3. Buy a set of weights and start lifting. Then realize after about two days that lifting weights really isn’t your “thing.” Now pull the Xbox out of the closet, which is a feat of strength in itself, and start playing some Halo. Hey, thumbs need exercise too.

Ok, so now we’ve covered the basic parts of exercise, endurance and strength. But before we go, there’s one more facet of exercising we need to cover, and that’s flexibility. You need to make sure to stretch both before and after every workout. This way you won’t pull anything.

You also need to try to improve on your flexibility. From what I hear, you can take yoga, which will help you bend in all sorts of weird ways. You can also do daily stretches on your own. But there are better ways to increase your flexibility. Personally, I think the Kama sutra is the way to go. It blends flexibility with fun! Also, as an added bonus, sex is a great way to burn off extra calories. Although, I doubt this will work well for you married guys out there, sorry.

Well, I hoped you learned a thing or two about keeping healthy today. I know I did. Well, no I didn’t. But the important thing is that you go out there and get some exercise! And while you do, I’ll be in here, playing WWII based video games. Let me tell you, my thumbs are going to be in awesome shape!