The Day the Music Died

Last night I was driving home from work and a Pearl Jam song came on the radio. Now, I have nothing against Pearl Jam, they’ve made some great music in their day. I do however have a problem with the music I grew up listening to being played on the classic rock channel. I’m not that old. Let’s just say I still have a few years before I reach my midlife crisis and buy a Mazda Miata convertible and somehow think, for some strange reason, it actually makes me look cool.

You might be wondering why I’d prefer listening to classic rock over a more contemporary station. Well, let’s just say I have a few issues with contemporary music. No, no, not the RIAA, they’re ok with me. They’re just trying to make sure the people who make music for a living actually get paid for it. That is perfectly acceptable, at least until we start outsourcing our music to India and China where it can be made for half the cost. Hey, it’s going to happen eventually.

My problems with today’s music lie in what I actually get for a $15 or more purchase of a CD. Nowadays an album will consist of 11 tracks (or 12 if you’re lucky) with maybe two or three songs actually worth listening too. Most of the songs will all sound the same since bands aren’t capable of any sort of creativity beyond the one song that made them famous. However, CDs now give you bonus features you can view when you put them in your computer. I don’t know about you, but when I buy a CD, it’s so I can listen to the music, not to watch a music video that doesn’t make any sense. That’s what we have MTV for. Well, maybe not MTV, but at least MTV2 still plays music videos.

And as for the individual bands… I think it might be easier if I split this up.

Staind: Yes, we get it. Your girlfriend broke up with you five years ago. GET OVER IT. The rest of us already did about the 13 thousandth time we heard the song “Outside.” And that was still in its first week on the radio. Seriously, get a new girl, and start writing lyrics that don’t say the same thing song after song after song.

U2: I don’ care who you are, or what you do, but U2’s music does not, in any sense of the word, rock. “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” comes close to it, but still doesn’t get the proverbial cigar. Play the song “Vertigo” next to the song “Welcome to the Jungle” and see which one you can hear better. I guarantee it will be Guns ‘N Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle,” not because it’s that much louder, but because I personally will come and turn the volume up so it will drown out the U2.

Puddle of Mudd: Do you realize how many times I had to listen to the song “Blurry?” Enough times that I wanted to put a plastic bag over my head to end my misery. And this happened on several occasions (luckily I keep a plastic bag in my car with holes poked in the bottom of it for just such emergencies). But, they did come out with “She Hates Me” and “Control.” And any song that states “I love the way you smack my ass” is ok by me. So, I forgive them.

Clay Aiken: I’d really hate to see the chicks that you pick up with lines like: “If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room… I wish I could be a fly on your wall, are you really alone…” That is just… creepy.

Michael Jackson: Yeah, I really don’t think there is any need to go there.

Janet Jackson: See the above statement.

Brittney Spears: Anyone who marries a back-up dancer deserves to fade away into the shadows of obscurity. Hope you got a decent 401k plan.

Hoobastank: The first self-titled album was great. Songs like “Crawling in the Dark” and “Remember Me” definitely rocked. Their second album came out with “The Reason.” I mean no, just… no. You can’t follow up a really good album with an incredibly crappy one. That’s seriously not cool.

The Rolling Stones: Ok, I know you guys rocked it back in the day. And it was cool you got to do the Super Bowl Half-time Show, but after you break 60 years old, I think it’s time to retire. Mick Jagger is just not a sex symbol anymore. Well, maybe to the 40 year old house wives he is, but even that is vaguely disturbing. It’s time to hang up the guitars and drumsticks guys. I know it’s not fair, but hey: You can’t always get what you want.

Ozzy Osbourne: He’s a walking, talking (sort of) advertisement for kids to stay away from drugs. I can’t think of any stronger incentive to stay away from a life of drugs and alcohol. I miss the old Ozzy, the one that did “Crazy Train” and ate the heads off live bats.

Green Day: Now, I don’t have a problem with Green Day, and their new album is pretty decent, not quite as good as the Dookie album, but its pretty good. My problem is with all the people who walk around singing the lyrics to “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.” You are constantly surrounded by friend and family, yet somehow you walk down this “lonely road” all by yourself? Give me a break. If you find yourself singing the lyrics to this song to yourself at any point during the day, you are in fact a loser. I just thought you might like to know that.

Ok, I think I’m done with all my complaining and whining for today. I could go on all day long about bands I hate or people that really need to stop making music, but I think you get the point already. Oh, and bonus points to the people who got that the line “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” is the title to a song by the Rolling Stones.

Ok, now I know what you’re thinking, but no, you don’t get any “points” or anything else for reading this article. I just wanted to give some joy to the people who made that connection. But now that I’ve utterly crushed that joy, I think I can retire, a happy and content man