No More Teacher’s Dirty Looks

Quick, who were the two vice presidents under William McKinley? If you can get the second one, then you’re as good as I. If you can get them both, then you’re a better man than I. Then again, it probably doesn’t take much to be a better man than I am. Some humility, generosity, or just plain being nice to women every once in a while would make you a much better person than I.

So what’s up with the presidential questionnaire? Well, that exactly question was posed to me, or more accurately my team, during trivia night at James Joyce Bar in Durham. Ah, beer, Irish whiskey, and knowledge, what more could you possibly want in one evening? You could want to spend the evening in bed joined by two blonde Swedish stewardess twins. I know I do. Though, you’re most likely better off sticking to fantasies that have a statistical probability of actually occurring. And since I have yet to meet any blonde Swedish airline stewardess twins, I’d have to say that the probability of me bedding that particular duo is currently somewhere in the neighborhood of 0.00%. Feel free to correct me if I’ve screwed up the math anywhere in there.

McKinley’s second vice president was Theodore Roosevelt, who acceded to the presidency after McKinley was assassinated. As it turns out, I actually remember something from my eleventh grade US History class. Apparently my brain hasn’t been as damaged by my drunken affairs as I had previously thought. That’s good news. Seriously though, who the hell remembers vice presidents? Can you name the last five vice presidents of the United States? Heck, can you even name the current vice president?

Sorry to go all School House Rock on you, but this is important stuff. I mean, if I had remembered my US presidents, and a few of the vice presidents, then my team may very well have won trivia night and that $75 bar tab would have been ours. Do you know how many drinks and I throw back with $75? I honestly don’t know the exact number, math has never been my thing, but I’m perfectly willing to do some empirical testing. All I need is $75 and a bar. And probably someone to keep track of what I’m drinking (it all pretty much blurs together after the fourth drink).

I think we can all agree that education is important, and not just because it can net you some free drinks. Education is what spurs the economy, keeps capitalism running rampant around the globe, and it is generally what increases our quality of life. So do me a favor, the next time you go into a class room give your teacher a gift. It doesn’t have to be much, an apple would make a great present for a teacher. It really is the thought that counts. That, and teachers really don’t make much money, so they’re not used to having anything nice. They can’t afford to be picky about their gifts.

As I said before, education is a wonderful thing. It enlightens the mind, or at least it’s supposed to. Take my brother, for instance. He’s two years older than me, has a very distinguished college degree and yet he still needs to be reminded that he’s white. I do try to remind him myself, but I’m not sure he gets it. Maybe he might actually look into the mirror a little more often.

Now, I’m not saying this because my brother thinks he’s some sort of gangster rapper. He doesn’t talk in broken English and ebonic slang. And this is a good thing, at least I can still claim him as my brother. But for some reason my brother feels the need to produce rap beats, and worst of all, add his own vocals to the lyrics. Now producing is all well and good, but rapping? He’s white.

Do I really need to say more? Now don’t get me wrong, the color of a person’s skin doesn’t necessarily dictate whether one can become a good rapper. Although, I do believe that history has shown us that the far majority of hip hop and rap artists (hey, if people can call Prince an “artist,” then rappers are artists too) have been… how do I put this… not white.

There have been successful white rappers in the past to be sure. But Eminem my brother isn’t. Heck, he isn’t even Vanilla Ice. I know, that’s probably a cheap shot at my brother, but at least Vanilla Ice had Hammer. He also had the shiny pants. You can’t forget about the shiny pants. Somehow, I don’t think my brother owns a pair of shiny pants.

That’s ok though. I would really hope my brother wouldn’t stoop to flagrant teeny-bob-ism just to sell a few records. Speaking of which, he just finished producing his first full length album (we still use the words “record” and “album” these days, don’t we?). Thankfully, a partner of his contributed all of the lyrics so I don’t have to listen the voice of some pasty white boy (hey, he lives in southern Indiana, what did you expect?). The duo calls themselves Relapse, which a better name than most I suppose. It’s definitely got one up on Dexys Midnight Runners, that’s for sure. The CDs should go on sale this month online.

My brother was kind enough to send me an advanced copy of the album, and I have to admit, it’s pretty good. Now I don’t listen to much rap these days, I’m more of a rock & roll kind of guy (which pretty much confirms my whiteness), but I find that the tracks are somewhat reminiscent of the Wu-Tang Clan. That shouldn’t be too surprising though, my brother has always been a fan of the Wu-Tang. If that sounds like something you’d like, feel free to go check it out. I think there might be a free downloadable track or two.

I probably shouldn’t be making fun of my brother so much. He has his music and I have my writing. And he has been kind enough not to make fun of my satirical attempts at amusement (that’s a fancy way of saying, “I like to write funny stuff”). Everyone has their own way of expressing themselves creatively, and I think we, as a society, should encourage that. And that, as I see it, brings it all back to education.

Good writers study literature in order to gain command over the written word (crappy writers, on the other hand, just throw up a bunch of words on a blog). Meanwhile, musical “artists” need the ability to effectively produce and market their talent. So just remember, education makes the world go round, even the creative parts of our economy. Oh, and bonus points to those of you who already knew that Dexys Midnight Runners is the name of the band who released the hit 80’s single “Come on Eileen.” And for those of you who didn’t know that (or have never heard the song “Come on Eileen”) you need to get your ass back in school and get educated.

Step 1: Admitting You Have a Problem

I’ve never really thought that I have an addictive personality. I don’t need alcohol to survive, I just need it to function in society. But after this past week, I’ve been beginning to wonder if maybe I have an addiction. I’ve been completely obsessed with one thing and only one thing for the past eight days. It has even begun to permeate to the rest of my life as well.

What am I talking about? Well, it’s Guitar Hero. For those of you who don’t know, Guitar Hero is a video game exclusively for the Playstation 2. Instead of using a controller, you plug in a guitar. Well, it’s not a real guitar, but it’s a simplified replica that is designed to be used with the video game. There are five buttons corresponding to the frets and a switch (that can be pushed down or up) where you would strum the strings of the guitar. The game has you “strumming” your Gibson SG replica to the tune of over 30 rockin’ songs as you try to reach the status of a Guitar Hero.

Simply put, the game is amazing. You get to play songs like I Love Rock and Roll, Ironman, Smoke on the Water, Stellar, and so many more classics. There are four different levels of difficulty so you can take your time and work your way up towards playing like a professional. There’s just something about feeling like I’m actually playing the song that makes me feel all warm inside. There’s nothing like the feeling of being up onstage, rocking out to Eric Clapton, and feeling like everyone is cheering you on. It gets the blood pumping, that’s for sure.

Not only do I get to be a guitar god by playing that game, but I also get to listen to some insanely awesome music. Some times I’ll miss a note or two because I’m paying more attention to the music than I am to the notes on the TV screen that I’m supposed to be playing. Unfortunately, when I miss a note, the guitar track won’t play until I start hitting the notes again. And that just makes me sad. I mean, missing out on a killer song brings tears to my eyes and shame to my soul. Luckily once I get back on track and get the song playing again my mood picks back up and my soul beings to soar.

All of this Guitar Heroing has begun to affect many of my other habits. Now whenever I hear an awesome rock song playing, I immediately attempt to perform it on my air guitar version of my Gibson SG video game replica. There’s something about doing an air guitar imitation of a video game replica that just screams wannabe. Imagine if you will, me walking into a very upscale restaurant, escorted by a lovely looking female, both of us dressed up very nicely, when suddenly I hear Z. Z. Top’s Sharp Dressed Man playing in the bar and without delay I quickly break out my illusionary six-string and begin to play along with all the enthusiasm of a rock star. It is not a pretty picture, I assure you.

Maybe this means that I shouldn’t be allowed to play video games. They obviously have a negative effect on me. Well I agree that I tend to play a lot of mindless video games, but I don’t think that it means that I shouldn’t play them any more. When it comes right down to it, I probably shouldn’t be allowed to participate in society any longer. Let’s be perfectly honest with ourselves, rock stars aren’t exactly the epitome of societal standards. But they can get away with it because they’re friggin rock stars. I, however, am not a rock star. I may be a Guitar Hero late at night while rocking out on my Playstation, but that in no way gives me rock star status in society. So I should just be shunned by all of society at large. I really do think it’s for the best.

So, since I cannot be a rock star, I have decided to lend my considerable mental facilities to those of you who are, or are aspiring to be, rock stars. I’ve taken some time out of my busy video game playing schedule (yes, I do have a schedule that shows what video game I am playing at what time) and have crafted this handy list of dos and don’ts for rock stars. Enjoy.

Do be loud, drunk, and obnoxious while you are playing. If you’re not, then you are not, by definition, a rock star

Don’t get beaten up by Ralph Lauren. I mean, what kind of rock star gets his butt kicked by a fashion mogul? (Hint: the answer is Axel Rose)

Do play an extreme guitar solo. Guitar solo’s rock. Just don’t let your drummer have a solo.

Don’t wear your hair like they did in the 80’s. For the love of God, just don’t do it.

Do get a Myspace.com account. I may think that Myspace.com is a complete waste of time and a cesspool for annoying pre-teens, but as it turns out, those pre-teens spend a lot of money on music. And rock stars should get paid.

Don’t give in to the heckling and play Freebird. The moron in the audience yelling that out just doesn’t know the name of any good songs.

Do be sexually promiscuous. You need to pass on your rock star genes to the future rockers of America. Not all rock stars will live as long as Mick Jagger.

Don’t OD on drugs. We’ve already lost far too many rock stars that way.

Do practice at all hours of the day being as loud as possible so that your condo or homeowners association tries to get you kicked out. Hey, if it doesn’t piss anyone off, it’s not rock and roll.

Don’t smash your guitar into the stage at the end of a show. The guitar is an expensive piece of equipment and a valuable tool in producing art.

Do borrow someone else’s guitar so you can smash it into the stage at the end of the show. Then afterwards, blame the damage on the drummer.

Don’t play the song Fat Bottom Girls by Queen when your girlfriend is around. Trust me, she’ll think you’re trying to tell her she’s fat. Girls are crazy that way.

So that’s it, my list of what to do and what not to do for you emerging rock stars. I hope you’ve learned a thing or two today. I know I did: I should not be allowed to go to nice places with nice girls, I just end up embarrassing everyone. Well, I don’t embarrass myself, I quit being embarrassed by my brash stupidity a long time ago. So luckily everyone else just gets embarrassed. And that’s perfectly ok with me so long as I still get to go home, pull out my Playstation, and be a Guitar Hero.

The Day the Music Died

Last night I was driving home from work and a Pearl Jam song came on the radio. Now, I have nothing against Pearl Jam, they’ve made some great music in their day. I do however have a problem with the music I grew up listening to being played on the classic rock channel. I’m not that old. Let’s just say I still have a few years before I reach my midlife crisis and buy a Mazda Miata convertible and somehow think, for some strange reason, it actually makes me look cool.

You might be wondering why I’d prefer listening to classic rock over a more contemporary station. Well, let’s just say I have a few issues with contemporary music. No, no, not the RIAA, they’re ok with me. They’re just trying to make sure the people who make music for a living actually get paid for it. That is perfectly acceptable, at least until we start outsourcing our music to India and China where it can be made for half the cost. Hey, it’s going to happen eventually.

My problems with today’s music lie in what I actually get for a $15 or more purchase of a CD. Nowadays an album will consist of 11 tracks (or 12 if you’re lucky) with maybe two or three songs actually worth listening too. Most of the songs will all sound the same since bands aren’t capable of any sort of creativity beyond the one song that made them famous. However, CDs now give you bonus features you can view when you put them in your computer. I don’t know about you, but when I buy a CD, it’s so I can listen to the music, not to watch a music video that doesn’t make any sense. That’s what we have MTV for. Well, maybe not MTV, but at least MTV2 still plays music videos.

And as for the individual bands… I think it might be easier if I split this up.

Staind: Yes, we get it. Your girlfriend broke up with you five years ago. GET OVER IT. The rest of us already did about the 13 thousandth time we heard the song “Outside.” And that was still in its first week on the radio. Seriously, get a new girl, and start writing lyrics that don’t say the same thing song after song after song.

U2: I don’ care who you are, or what you do, but U2’s music does not, in any sense of the word, rock. “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” comes close to it, but still doesn’t get the proverbial cigar. Play the song “Vertigo” next to the song “Welcome to the Jungle” and see which one you can hear better. I guarantee it will be Guns ‘N Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle,” not because it’s that much louder, but because I personally will come and turn the volume up so it will drown out the U2.

Puddle of Mudd: Do you realize how many times I had to listen to the song “Blurry?” Enough times that I wanted to put a plastic bag over my head to end my misery. And this happened on several occasions (luckily I keep a plastic bag in my car with holes poked in the bottom of it for just such emergencies). But, they did come out with “She Hates Me” and “Control.” And any song that states “I love the way you smack my ass” is ok by me. So, I forgive them.

Clay Aiken: I’d really hate to see the chicks that you pick up with lines like: “If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room… I wish I could be a fly on your wall, are you really alone…” That is just… creepy.

Michael Jackson: Yeah, I really don’t think there is any need to go there.

Janet Jackson: See the above statement.

Brittney Spears: Anyone who marries a back-up dancer deserves to fade away into the shadows of obscurity. Hope you got a decent 401k plan.

Hoobastank: The first self-titled album was great. Songs like “Crawling in the Dark” and “Remember Me” definitely rocked. Their second album came out with “The Reason.” I mean no, just… no. You can’t follow up a really good album with an incredibly crappy one. That’s seriously not cool.

The Rolling Stones: Ok, I know you guys rocked it back in the day. And it was cool you got to do the Super Bowl Half-time Show, but after you break 60 years old, I think it’s time to retire. Mick Jagger is just not a sex symbol anymore. Well, maybe to the 40 year old house wives he is, but even that is vaguely disturbing. It’s time to hang up the guitars and drumsticks guys. I know it’s not fair, but hey: You can’t always get what you want.

Ozzy Osbourne: He’s a walking, talking (sort of) advertisement for kids to stay away from drugs. I can’t think of any stronger incentive to stay away from a life of drugs and alcohol. I miss the old Ozzy, the one that did “Crazy Train” and ate the heads off live bats.

Green Day: Now, I don’t have a problem with Green Day, and their new album is pretty decent, not quite as good as the Dookie album, but its pretty good. My problem is with all the people who walk around singing the lyrics to “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.” You are constantly surrounded by friend and family, yet somehow you walk down this “lonely road” all by yourself? Give me a break. If you find yourself singing the lyrics to this song to yourself at any point during the day, you are in fact a loser. I just thought you might like to know that.

Ok, I think I’m done with all my complaining and whining for today. I could go on all day long about bands I hate or people that really need to stop making music, but I think you get the point already. Oh, and bonus points to the people who got that the line “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” is the title to a song by the Rolling Stones.

Ok, now I know what you’re thinking, but no, you don’t get any “points” or anything else for reading this article. I just wanted to give some joy to the people who made that connection. But now that I’ve utterly crushed that joy, I think I can retire, a happy and content man