No More Teacher’s Dirty Looks

Quick, who were the two vice presidents under William McKinley? If you can get the second one, then you’re as good as I. If you can get them both, then you’re a better man than I. Then again, it probably doesn’t take much to be a better man than I am. Some humility, generosity, or just plain being nice to women every once in a while would make you a much better person than I.

So what’s up with the presidential questionnaire? Well, that exactly question was posed to me, or more accurately my team, during trivia night at James Joyce Bar in Durham. Ah, beer, Irish whiskey, and knowledge, what more could you possibly want in one evening? You could want to spend the evening in bed joined by two blonde Swedish stewardess twins. I know I do. Though, you’re most likely better off sticking to fantasies that have a statistical probability of actually occurring. And since I have yet to meet any blonde Swedish airline stewardess twins, I’d have to say that the probability of me bedding that particular duo is currently somewhere in the neighborhood of 0.00%. Feel free to correct me if I’ve screwed up the math anywhere in there.

McKinley’s second vice president was Theodore Roosevelt, who acceded to the presidency after McKinley was assassinated. As it turns out, I actually remember something from my eleventh grade US History class. Apparently my brain hasn’t been as damaged by my drunken affairs as I had previously thought. That’s good news. Seriously though, who the hell remembers vice presidents? Can you name the last five vice presidents of the United States? Heck, can you even name the current vice president?

Sorry to go all School House Rock on you, but this is important stuff. I mean, if I had remembered my US presidents, and a few of the vice presidents, then my team may very well have won trivia night and that $75 bar tab would have been ours. Do you know how many drinks and I throw back with $75? I honestly don’t know the exact number, math has never been my thing, but I’m perfectly willing to do some empirical testing. All I need is $75 and a bar. And probably someone to keep track of what I’m drinking (it all pretty much blurs together after the fourth drink).

I think we can all agree that education is important, and not just because it can net you some free drinks. Education is what spurs the economy, keeps capitalism running rampant around the globe, and it is generally what increases our quality of life. So do me a favor, the next time you go into a class room give your teacher a gift. It doesn’t have to be much, an apple would make a great present for a teacher. It really is the thought that counts. That, and teachers really don’t make much money, so they’re not used to having anything nice. They can’t afford to be picky about their gifts.

As I said before, education is a wonderful thing. It enlightens the mind, or at least it’s supposed to. Take my brother, for instance. He’s two years older than me, has a very distinguished college degree and yet he still needs to be reminded that he’s white. I do try to remind him myself, but I’m not sure he gets it. Maybe he might actually look into the mirror a little more often.

Now, I’m not saying this because my brother thinks he’s some sort of gangster rapper. He doesn’t talk in broken English and ebonic slang. And this is a good thing, at least I can still claim him as my brother. But for some reason my brother feels the need to produce rap beats, and worst of all, add his own vocals to the lyrics. Now producing is all well and good, but rapping? He’s white.

Do I really need to say more? Now don’t get me wrong, the color of a person’s skin doesn’t necessarily dictate whether one can become a good rapper. Although, I do believe that history has shown us that the far majority of hip hop and rap artists (hey, if people can call Prince an “artist,” then rappers are artists too) have been… how do I put this… not white.

There have been successful white rappers in the past to be sure. But Eminem my brother isn’t. Heck, he isn’t even Vanilla Ice. I know, that’s probably a cheap shot at my brother, but at least Vanilla Ice had Hammer. He also had the shiny pants. You can’t forget about the shiny pants. Somehow, I don’t think my brother owns a pair of shiny pants.

That’s ok though. I would really hope my brother wouldn’t stoop to flagrant teeny-bob-ism just to sell a few records. Speaking of which, he just finished producing his first full length album (we still use the words “record” and “album” these days, don’t we?). Thankfully, a partner of his contributed all of the lyrics so I don’t have to listen the voice of some pasty white boy (hey, he lives in southern Indiana, what did you expect?). The duo calls themselves Relapse, which a better name than most I suppose. It’s definitely got one up on Dexys Midnight Runners, that’s for sure. The CDs should go on sale this month online.

My brother was kind enough to send me an advanced copy of the album, and I have to admit, it’s pretty good. Now I don’t listen to much rap these days, I’m more of a rock & roll kind of guy (which pretty much confirms my whiteness), but I find that the tracks are somewhat reminiscent of the Wu-Tang Clan. That shouldn’t be too surprising though, my brother has always been a fan of the Wu-Tang. If that sounds like something you’d like, feel free to go check it out. I think there might be a free downloadable track or two.

I probably shouldn’t be making fun of my brother so much. He has his music and I have my writing. And he has been kind enough not to make fun of my satirical attempts at amusement (that’s a fancy way of saying, “I like to write funny stuff”). Everyone has their own way of expressing themselves creatively, and I think we, as a society, should encourage that. And that, as I see it, brings it all back to education.

Good writers study literature in order to gain command over the written word (crappy writers, on the other hand, just throw up a bunch of words on a blog). Meanwhile, musical “artists” need the ability to effectively produce and market their talent. So just remember, education makes the world go round, even the creative parts of our economy. Oh, and bonus points to those of you who already knew that Dexys Midnight Runners is the name of the band who released the hit 80’s single “Come on Eileen.” And for those of you who didn’t know that (or have never heard the song “Come on Eileen”) you need to get your ass back in school and get educated.