More Than Meets the Eye

I want to talk to you about something, something that scares me to a point that’s very near death. On July 4th, 2007, Michael Bay will be unveiling his movie Transformers. To say that I’m excited is an understatement, I mean, just check out the trailer. You’ll have to excuse me for a minute while I clean up the saliva that is dripping from my gaping lower jaw.

If I’m this in to the Transformers franchise (and believe me, I am totally a Transformers geek), then why am I so scared? Mainly, I don’t trust my favorite 80’s cartoon franchise in just anyone’s hands. And the fact that this movie is a Michael Bay production frightens me somewhat. I mean, he is the guy that is responsible for the movie Pearl Harbor. Need I say more?

I think we can dispense with all the pre-movie moaning and groaning. I will be going to see this movie. How can I not? It has Optimus Prime, easily the most badass semi-truck every created. And yes, I’m in love with Optimus Prime. If he were real, I’d buy him an incredibly high priced hooker. I’m just that enamored with him (and yes, I know that buying a human hooker for a multi-ton metallic extraterrestrial robot is probably a not one of my best ideas).

I’m just really worried that I’ll walk out of that theater on Independence Day and cry. What if Michael Bay dazzles me with big explosions and shiny special effects? I mean, that’d be nice, but if he neglects having a decent storyline or unforgivably alters the Transformers universe, well I just don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it. I would have a terrible time trying to deal with a bad Transformers movie. It’d be like having a bad break-up, or even worse, actually. Think about it. If you break up with someone you really like, it sucks. If I see a Transformers movie that doesn’t rock my world, then it will be much, much worse than that. And for the record, yes, Transformers are drastically more important than any silly “relationship.”

There is cause for concern already. Megatron will transform into a stealth bomber while Bumblebee’s alternate mode will be a 1974 Chevy Camaro. Now I understand that the original transformation of Megatron into a small handheld gun was pointless. I mean, he started out as a massive robot with an equally massive laser cannon on his arm, but then he turned into this wimpy looking pistol. Not only does that violate the law of conservation of mass, but wouldn’t the Decepticons be better served if he just remained in robot form and used his arm cannon? Personally, I think that Megatron should transform into a freestanding cannon (similar to a howitzer), much like his future incarnation Galvatron did. I’m just saying, it makes more sense than a stealth bomber.

And then there’s Bumblebee, one of the most beloved of all Transformers characters, even if he is one of the most useless. I mean, let’s face it, Bumblebee was smaller and more feeble than any of his Autobot allies, and the vast majority of the time, he didn’t even have access to a gun. Despite all that, Bumblebee still rocks, which is why he’s one of the only five Autobots to appear in the new live action movie. But this time around he won’t be driving as his familiar yellow VW Beetle. The reason for this is that Volkswagen wouldn’t allow it. They didn’t want any of their vehicles associated with war, real or imagined in any way. And you know what, I’m perfectly ok with that. If you can’t figure out why, then go ahead and reference World War II.

Ok, so there are some changes in the new movie. But I think that I can live with it. At least Optimus Prime is still a truck and not some hairy monkey (actually, he was a silverback gorilla). So yeah, things can always get worse. Although I have to admit, Beast Wars was a damned good series, even if Optimus Primal was a monkey. In fact, the Decepticon Scorponok that will be in the new movie is from the Beast Wars universe. Though, I do feel the need to point out that Scorponok is a Predicon, not a Decepticon (even though the Predicons are technically the descendents of the Decepticons). Did I mention before that Transformers are more important than women to me? Yeah, I think I did.

So do you get the point yet? Actually, point of all this is pretty much that I’m a huge freaking nerd. I’m sorry, I grew up in the 80’s, and cartoons were like a way of life for me. In fact, the original Transformers: The Movie, released in 1986, is still my favorite movie of all time. If Michael Bay’s interpretation of the greatest show of all time ends up being less than favorable, then you will most certainly find me camped in front of my TV watching the original animated DVD over and over again until my universal faith in all things Transformer is reaffirmed.

Unfortunately, I have to wait until July 4th until I can find out for myself whether or not this newest addition to the Cybertronian Saga is worthy or not. I honestly think it’s the anticipation that’s eating me up the most. There’s just so much potential there… and I fear it may never be realized. As far as I’m concerned, movies as of late haven’t completely lived up to what they could be. The Spiderman and X-men movies were enjoyable, but I always thought they could have been better. The old Saturday morning cartoon shows of Spiderman and the X-men were far superior, if you can remember those. And The Hulk… well, we can all just pretend that movie never happened. I think it’s just better that way.

It just goes to show that if you can’t do justice to an already existing franchise, you’re best off not touching it. And yes, I’m talking to you George Lucas. Episodes I and II are unforgivable. You cannot be forgiven even though Episode III was somewhat decent (although in comparison to I and II, The Hulk may have even looked decent). I fear the rumors of another Indian Jones movie in the works. They invade my dreams at night and force me to cower in protracted terror at the dark and shifting shadows. Harrison Ford is the only Dr. Indian Jones ever. EVER.

I apologize for my fanboy ravings today. I promise next week I’ll be witty. Well, I promise I’ll try to be witty. And that is in now way, shape, or form a promise. We all know how I loathe commitment of any kind, and promises are no exception. The only promises I can make are those backed by a bat to the kneecaps if this new Transformers movie sucks. Michael Bay, you’ve been warned.