Well, I haven’t talked about video games in a while, so I think it’s time I did. Mainly I want to talk about my Wii. Hey, I’m a guy, I’m obsessed with my Wii. That’s just how it is. And I’m going to brag about it as much as possible, because I have one and many of you out there don’t. So Nyah!
My renewed interest in gaming has been brought on partially by my friend Anthony who is staying with me until the end of the week. We’ve been battling back and forth on some Wii Sports, and I’ve narrowly missed being hit in the head on multiple occasions. As it turns out, Anthony really gets into his tennis. On a whim, I ran out yesterday and bought Madden 2007 (that’s NFL Football for those of you living in caves out there). The new version of Madden comes out on August 14th, so the price of the old game has dropped considerably. And in this age of $600 priced consoles, I need every single dollar I can save. For the record, for six hundred friggin dollars, that Sony console better damn well transform into Blaster or at least Soundwave.
If you haven’t played Madden on the Wii, then you haven’t played Madden football before. I mean, wow. The controls aren’t perfect, and it takes a little getting used to, but the game is sheer awesomeness. You know, if awesomeness was tangible and you could turn it into a compact disc and shove it into my Nintendo, then yeah, that’d be Madden. I can only expect that the next installment is going to be even better. My only real reason for picking up an updated copy of the game in two months would be to get Devin Hester’s upgraded performance. Oh yeah, Chicago is going to be the best team in the game just because you’ll be able to run back every kick off with them.
I’m not sure if I have to say this, but I spent the better part of the day yesterday playing simulated football. It was fun, it was a fresh new way to play Madden, and it was tiring. In fact, my arms are still a bit sore from attempting to get Rex Grossman to rifle the ball to his receivers. A “laser-rocket” arm, he has not. Well, ok, maybe I only passed to Muhsin Muhammad, but in my defense, Chicago really isn’t much of a well rounded passing team.
The moral of this story? My arm hurts. And to top it off, I have a hockey game tonight. If we lose our hockey game, well, it’s just going to be EA’s fault. And I have absolutely no qualms about blaming my lack of ability on a video game designer. Pride is not something I worry about too often. On the plus side, my Wii-antics are actually a great form of exercise. According to a U.K. study, playing 12 hours of Wii Sports a week will burn off an estimated 1,800 calories. That could translate into a weight loss of 12 kilograms (or 26.4 pounds for those of you not entirely comfortable with alien metrics) over a prolonged period of time.
This shouldn’t be anything new. I mean, playing with my Wii has always burned off a few extra calories at the end of the day. And I’ve always found that playing with my Wii is a great way to jump start my morning and get me energized. Now I have scientific proof (and yes, one study conducted across the Atlantic does qualify as infallible proof) that playing with my Wii is good for my body. I just think I should point out that girls can get a fantastic work out as well by coming over and playing with my Wii. Every girl who has gotten her hands on my Wii so far has enjoyed it immensely. I’m just putting that out there.
Well, if we’re done with the double entendres (and I’m not entirely sure that I am just yet), we can move on to more important matters: football. I hadn’t realized how much I missed the sport until I eviscerated a guy with Brian Urlacher yesterday. Seriously, that was awesome. I can’t wait to see him do that in real life. And I only have to wait until the season starts on Sunday, September 9th. That’s not too far off now, is it?
No seriously, football season needs to hurry up. If for no other reason then it will give the guys on Sports Center something to talk about. The NBA finals and NHL finals are both over, and were both skipped over by the mass of the populace. Although I’m sure the three people watching game five of the Stanley Cup enjoyed it immeasurably. And let’s be honest with ourselves here, you can only say so much about baseball.
And so the countdown begins. The NFL draft is over, along with free-agency for the off-season, so now it’s time to size up all of the teams and pick out our favorites to win. Or it would be if that made any sense. Yes, sure the Patriots had great off-season acquisitions, and sure the Chargers may have problems without a coaching staff (I think one of the janitors got promoted to offensive coordinator) and for sure the Bears will make the playoffs again if only for the sole reason that their division sucks (and I mean no offense to Brett Farve, but aside from Chicago’s defense, the NFC north doesn’t have much to be lauded these days). But I was thinking, and really, this is just a crazy idea, that maybe we should wait until the actual season starts before we go all crazy with our football-talk. I mean, after the first two weeks, all of the guys on ESPN will be switching their picks for conference winners anyway. So do you think you can spare me from some of the needless confabulation now? Maybe…? No? No, I didn’t think so. Guess I’ll just have to watch cartoons instead of ESPN until the season starts. Darn.
And just for the record, I don’t care if Rex Grossman isn’t a Peyton Manning, or a Tom Brady, or a Donovan McNabb, or even a Jeff Garcia, or that third string guy who plays for the 49ers (he may have completed a pass once or twice in his life, I think)… I really don’t care about any of that, Rex is still my hero.
Don’t forget, only two more weeks until the new Transformers movie (for better or worse). As I have been compulsorily required to do by my love of all things Transformers, here is this week’s quote:
“Me Grimlock no bozo. Me king!”
-Grimlock
Showing posts with label video games. Show all posts
Showing posts with label video games. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Does This Make Me Any Less of a Man?
I have always liked to think of myself of a manly man. I’m big, tall, strong, and physical. I play hockey on a regular basis and my facial hair grows out so much that if I shave at 8am, I have a beard by noon. I’ve been slapped by more women than I can remember (although whether that’s from sheer numbers or from the fact that I’m usually into my eighth glass of whiskey by then, I’m not entirely sure), yet I still know how to butter a lady up when she deserves it. I may lack any kind of metropolitan fashion sense, but I still look damn good in a suit or tux, if I do say so myself.
So why am I telling you all this? Well, I just want you to remember who I am and what I stand for. Because what I have to say here may just change your opinion of me, although I hope it doesn’t. I tell you all of this because this past weekend I journeyed to my local gaming store and bought a brand new game for my Nintendo DS on its release day. If you already know the game I’m talking about, then you, my friend, are a total nerd (then what does this say about me?). I am, of course, talking about the brand spanking new Pokemon Diamond.
Ok, feel free to laugh at me, get it all out of your system right now. I’m a 23 year old Pokemon fan, though I’m not exactly proud of it. I bought the original Pokemon Blue for the original Gameboy way back in high school after a friend recommended it for me. I had read reviews that said it was a dumbed down role-playing style game designed mainly for kids, yet more mature fans would enjoy it as well. And enjoy it I did. What can I say? I’m a sucker for RPGs.
Although I’m enjoying the new game immensely, I’ve logged almost 15 hours in since Sunday afternoon, there are a few parts of the game that I’m not entirely happy with. This is the first Pokemon game I’ve played since the first iteration in Red and Blue form. I’d just like to say for the record that I never owned Pokemon Snap for my N64. And yes, I feel it’s important to note that.
The game has changed somewhat since the original. Back in the Blue, I had it mastered. Out of a possible six active Pokemon, I carried a core of four that could handle almost anything my adversaries could throw at me. I especially coveted my “psychic” Pokemon since there were no moves in the game that were effective against it. That has changed, however. The chart of bonuses and penalties to attacks was changed to level the playing field for most Pokemon. And if there’s one thing I hate in battle, it’s a level playing field. I didn’t figure this out until after spending a large quantity of time trying to obtain a psychic Pokemon to bend to my whims in the new game. Now that I realize they aren’t as useful as they once were, I feel like I’ve wasted my time.
I’ve wasted my time playing a video game, what a surprise. And here I thought I was actually accomplishing something by playing a game based on the popular kids TV show. Next thing you’ll know I’ll end up feeling broke for the silly reason that I lost all my money gambling in Vegas (don’t worry about that though, I have no plans to go to Sin City any time soon). If you can’t tell that I was using sarcasm, then well… I was being sarcastic.
Truth be told, though, I would sorely love to have my own real live Pokemon. Who wouldn’t want a cute little fuzzy critter to love and play with? For me personally though, I’d want something that was as adorable as a puppy yet could still call down the fury of Zeus from the heavens and strike my enemies with a giant bolt of lightning. Hey, a guy like me has enemies, I have needs to be careful. Oh, and my Pokemon should also be small enough to fit into most briefcases or overhead storage bins for easy travel. Cute, deadly and convenient. Is that too much to ask for?
As it turns out, I won’t be getting a real death dealing Poke-creature any time soon. Nor will I be gaining any mutant superpowers either. The world is a cruel place sometimes. The universe rarely makes room to fulfill my desires, be they miniscule or grand. Heck, I can’t even get my hands and the ever elusive Cadbury Crème Egg these days. I guess asking for my own personal harem for Christmas might be a bit much this year. I wouldn’t need that many girls, just one for every day of the week… and possibly another one for the holidays, just to keep it interesting.
Putting my personal fantasies aside for a minute (I still haven’t given up hope on the harem just yet) I think it’s important to note how powerful the Pokemon franchise has become. With video games on the Gameboy, Gameboy Advance, Nintendo DS, Nintendo 64, and the Gamecube, innumerable television series, and a full ten movies. It is literally a multi-million dollar global franchise. And if there’s one thing I respect in this world, it’s money. It doesn’t matter to me if it comes from kiddy toys, illegal money laundering, or good old-fashioned, hard work (pronounced: “suckers”). But with fame and fortune comes a price.
Apparently the Christian faith has had some problems with the world of Pokemon. Some religious groups believe the cute creatures to be Satanic in origin. They think that Pokemon are similar to demons that are summoned to perform specific tasks. Also, the fact that Pokemon evolve into more powerful forms seems to negate the bible’s view on creationism. The biggest problem yet seems to come from the fact that some of the little critters use special powers, be they elemental or psychic or whatever, and that these powers are not derived from God. If that’s the case, then every superhero ever created is a blasphemy as well. Not that Nintendo cares. The religious groups can bitch all they want, but Pokemon are still bringing in millions of dollars every year. And as I said before, I respect that far more than I respect anything else.
It’s ok though, I think I’ve got Christianity covered on this one. Some of the devout may have nothing better to do with their time than to attack popular children’s franchises (let’s not forget Harry Potter), but I do believe that most are intelligent people. All Nintendo has to do is create a new Pokemon type and label it a “priest type.” The way I see it, the priest type would kick the crap out of the ghost and dark types. And as an added bonus, they could get a special power on Sundays called “Preach” that would make all the other Pokemon trainers feel guilty about their shortcomings and want to empty their wallets for the righteous Pokemon. You know, I think that would placate the Christians just fine. Well, so long as they don’t put an “alter boy” Pokemon in the game alongside the priest types. That just wouldn’t be cool.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a video game to get back to. I have a lot of work ahead of me before my Grotle morphs into a Torterra. Then I need to go beat up the nasty Team Galactic. And I should probably try to get another Gym Badge so my Kadabra doesn’t get all unruly with me when he levels up again. I don’t know why people think this whole Pokemon thing is so far out there. I mean, you understood everything I just said, right? Hell, I don’t even know what I just said and I’m the one playing the damn game. But you still think I’m a manly man right? …right?
So why am I telling you all this? Well, I just want you to remember who I am and what I stand for. Because what I have to say here may just change your opinion of me, although I hope it doesn’t. I tell you all of this because this past weekend I journeyed to my local gaming store and bought a brand new game for my Nintendo DS on its release day. If you already know the game I’m talking about, then you, my friend, are a total nerd (then what does this say about me?). I am, of course, talking about the brand spanking new Pokemon Diamond.
Ok, feel free to laugh at me, get it all out of your system right now. I’m a 23 year old Pokemon fan, though I’m not exactly proud of it. I bought the original Pokemon Blue for the original Gameboy way back in high school after a friend recommended it for me. I had read reviews that said it was a dumbed down role-playing style game designed mainly for kids, yet more mature fans would enjoy it as well. And enjoy it I did. What can I say? I’m a sucker for RPGs.
Although I’m enjoying the new game immensely, I’ve logged almost 15 hours in since Sunday afternoon, there are a few parts of the game that I’m not entirely happy with. This is the first Pokemon game I’ve played since the first iteration in Red and Blue form. I’d just like to say for the record that I never owned Pokemon Snap for my N64. And yes, I feel it’s important to note that.
The game has changed somewhat since the original. Back in the Blue, I had it mastered. Out of a possible six active Pokemon, I carried a core of four that could handle almost anything my adversaries could throw at me. I especially coveted my “psychic” Pokemon since there were no moves in the game that were effective against it. That has changed, however. The chart of bonuses and penalties to attacks was changed to level the playing field for most Pokemon. And if there’s one thing I hate in battle, it’s a level playing field. I didn’t figure this out until after spending a large quantity of time trying to obtain a psychic Pokemon to bend to my whims in the new game. Now that I realize they aren’t as useful as they once were, I feel like I’ve wasted my time.
I’ve wasted my time playing a video game, what a surprise. And here I thought I was actually accomplishing something by playing a game based on the popular kids TV show. Next thing you’ll know I’ll end up feeling broke for the silly reason that I lost all my money gambling in Vegas (don’t worry about that though, I have no plans to go to Sin City any time soon). If you can’t tell that I was using sarcasm, then well… I was being sarcastic.
Truth be told, though, I would sorely love to have my own real live Pokemon. Who wouldn’t want a cute little fuzzy critter to love and play with? For me personally though, I’d want something that was as adorable as a puppy yet could still call down the fury of Zeus from the heavens and strike my enemies with a giant bolt of lightning. Hey, a guy like me has enemies, I have needs to be careful. Oh, and my Pokemon should also be small enough to fit into most briefcases or overhead storage bins for easy travel. Cute, deadly and convenient. Is that too much to ask for?
As it turns out, I won’t be getting a real death dealing Poke-creature any time soon. Nor will I be gaining any mutant superpowers either. The world is a cruel place sometimes. The universe rarely makes room to fulfill my desires, be they miniscule or grand. Heck, I can’t even get my hands and the ever elusive Cadbury Crème Egg these days. I guess asking for my own personal harem for Christmas might be a bit much this year. I wouldn’t need that many girls, just one for every day of the week… and possibly another one for the holidays, just to keep it interesting.
Putting my personal fantasies aside for a minute (I still haven’t given up hope on the harem just yet) I think it’s important to note how powerful the Pokemon franchise has become. With video games on the Gameboy, Gameboy Advance, Nintendo DS, Nintendo 64, and the Gamecube, innumerable television series, and a full ten movies. It is literally a multi-million dollar global franchise. And if there’s one thing I respect in this world, it’s money. It doesn’t matter to me if it comes from kiddy toys, illegal money laundering, or good old-fashioned, hard work (pronounced: “suckers”). But with fame and fortune comes a price.
Apparently the Christian faith has had some problems with the world of Pokemon. Some religious groups believe the cute creatures to be Satanic in origin. They think that Pokemon are similar to demons that are summoned to perform specific tasks. Also, the fact that Pokemon evolve into more powerful forms seems to negate the bible’s view on creationism. The biggest problem yet seems to come from the fact that some of the little critters use special powers, be they elemental or psychic or whatever, and that these powers are not derived from God. If that’s the case, then every superhero ever created is a blasphemy as well. Not that Nintendo cares. The religious groups can bitch all they want, but Pokemon are still bringing in millions of dollars every year. And as I said before, I respect that far more than I respect anything else.
It’s ok though, I think I’ve got Christianity covered on this one. Some of the devout may have nothing better to do with their time than to attack popular children’s franchises (let’s not forget Harry Potter), but I do believe that most are intelligent people. All Nintendo has to do is create a new Pokemon type and label it a “priest type.” The way I see it, the priest type would kick the crap out of the ghost and dark types. And as an added bonus, they could get a special power on Sundays called “Preach” that would make all the other Pokemon trainers feel guilty about their shortcomings and want to empty their wallets for the righteous Pokemon. You know, I think that would placate the Christians just fine. Well, so long as they don’t put an “alter boy” Pokemon in the game alongside the priest types. That just wouldn’t be cool.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a video game to get back to. I have a lot of work ahead of me before my Grotle morphs into a Torterra. Then I need to go beat up the nasty Team Galactic. And I should probably try to get another Gym Badge so my Kadabra doesn’t get all unruly with me when he levels up again. I don’t know why people think this whole Pokemon thing is so far out there. I mean, you understood everything I just said, right? Hell, I don’t even know what I just said and I’m the one playing the damn game. But you still think I’m a manly man right? …right?
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Indeed, it is the most wonderful time of the year. And for the record, I’m not talking about Christmas. Not that there’s anything wrong with Christmas, although sometimes the holiday does confuse me a tad. A fat man in a red suit with a bunch of elves represents the birth of Jesus Christ; I’m not totally seeing the obvious connection here.
But it is the most wonderful time of the year. With the release of two new next generation video game systems, by Nintendo and Sony, a new age in interactive entertainment has blossomed. However, there’s far more than that going on than just some fancy new consoles. In the past month, more has happened in the video game industry then perhaps the last two years combined. Let us take a quick look at what has happened since November:
Guitar Hero 2 hit the shelves in early November giving me some brand new songs to rock out to. Then we had Final Fantasy 12 hit the Playstation 2 while the remake of Final Fantasy 3 dropped on the Nintendo DS. And as you know, I’m a huge fan of the Final Fantasy series. Hell, I even own Mystic Quest for my SNES (bonus points go out to those you who already know what that game is). Then there’s Gears of War, Children of Mana, Disgea 2, and far too many other titles to name in the space I have here. Oh, and there’s this little known game called the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess too. You may have heard of it.
I think by now, its safe for me to confide in you. I’ve bared enough of my soul over the past nine months that I feel almost comfortable in speaking of my feelings. Almost comfortable, but let’s face it, I’m not exactly the emotional type. That being said, I’m not afraid to tell you that I have wept, on more than one occasion, tears of absolute joy over the amount of high quality content that has come out recently for video game enthusiasts.
There is so much out there right now that I do not have the hours in my day to play all the games that I would like. Well, I guess I could have worse problems. Like cancer. I mean, that would suck, right?
Since Christmas is only days away, I thought I’d give you my thoughts on the must have gifts of the season: the Nintendo Wii, the Sony Playstation 3, and the Xbox 360. If you don’t have one of these items on your wish list (assuming you don’t already own all three), then we just can’t be friends anymore. Hey, it’s not my fault that you’re a loser.
First off, the Nintendo Wii. Ok, I’ll admit, the name scares me. It did the first time I heard it, and it continues to this day. But there are some benefits to it. It’s very catchy in some phrases. Such as, “I’m going to go home to play with my Wii.” Or, “How come girls always look at me funny when I ask them to come over and play with my Wii? I’m sure that if they’d just touch my Wii, they’d love every second they had their hands on it.”
Nintendo’s nomenclature aside, the Wii is very different from its competitors. If you’re looking for the high powered, top of the line graphics, high definition, and all that jazz, then Nintendo isn’t pandering to you. Simply put, the Wii is pure fun. I preordered mine (mainly because I’m a huge dork like that) and it is truly the most fun I have ever had with a console (even my Nintendo DS, which I have been known to take out to a romantic dinner on the occasion).
Case in point: a guy I work with, who had previously mocked Nintendo for their lack of processing power and true next-generation graphics, had a chance to sit down (or stand, as it was) and play a few rounds of the Wii sports package. The next day he was thinking of going out and purchasing a Wii just for that game (which comes included with the console). In all honestly, once you get a chance to get your hands on the console and play a few games, you’ll have the video game experience of your life. And trust me, the best is yet to come. Although, I still don’t understand why girls seem so upset when I ask them to touch my Wii. I just don’t get it.
The downside comes when I turn the system on. For some reason, whenever I power up my Wii, I don’t turn it off until six hours later at the minimum. I can’t tell you how many days in a row I’ve stayed up until 5am playing on that thing. And that can’t be healthy. Oh, and as for the stories going around about people losing their grip on the Wii-mote and having it fly out of their hands and breaking expensive plasma TVs and tearing holes in drywall, well, all I can say is: baloney. Two Fridays ago I was at a party with no less than 20 people who were well intoxicated and took turns playing Wii sports. Not a single Wii-mote was dropped or otherwise inadvertently used as a projectile. And trust me, my shirt reeked of spilled tequila halfway through that party, so I know everyone was enjoying themselves on the liquor front. So if you break something with your Wii-mote, it is 100% completely user error. Don’t blame it on Nintendo. If a bunch of drunken idiots can play without breaking anything, I’m sure you can too.
Well, there’s not much I can say about the Playstation 3 other than the fact that I’m still not convinced that it actually exists. I have yet to see a tangible model. Sure, I’ve seen the creepy TV commercials that feature what appears to be a demented baby (with no actual footage of game play). And honestly, they scare me. But until I get one of these mythical consoles in my hand, I will continue with my skepticism. I suppose I should believe in the Playstation 3. I suppose I should believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy as well. But I don’t. And even if I did, why would I want to buy one? Last I checked, Sony was charging $600, a DNA sample for cloning purposes, the rights to turn your house into a nuclear waste dump, and your firstborn son. And that’s just for the console! Who knows what they’re charging for the games.
Nintendo sells their console at $250 a pop and makes money on every one sold. Sony, on the other hand, loses money every time they sell a Playstation 3 for $600. Just some food for thought.
And now we get to the Xbox 360. This is Microsoft’s second foray into the console market, and to be honest, I’m impressed. Even though it has been out for a year now, the system is still very powerful and plays great graphics, especially in high definition. The price is very attractive at $399 for the “pro” console (only a blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic with down syndrome would ever think of buying the $299 “core” console… and even then, he’d have to be really drunk) since it is a full $200 cheaper than the Playstation 3.
The real strength of the Xbox 360 lies in the fact that it has been selling for an entire year. The ensuing titles launched for the system since its inception make it very attractive, and it is far easier to get a hold of the console than either of its competitors. Gears of War and Dead Rising are two games I would seriously love to play in all their high definition glory. And best of all, I have yet to see the blue screen of death appear on any Xbox console. I would have never guessed that Microsoft had it in them.
So there you have it, my take on the video game season of 2006. And from what I’ve been told, Christmas is less than a week away, so you’d better hurry up with that last minute shopping. I hope the information I’ve provided can help you in that aspect. If the ones you’re shopping for have absolutely no interest in the above, then really, there’s no reason to love them anymore. Oh, and why you’re out, do you think you can find some girls who want to play with my Wii? It’s in dire need of some multiplayer action, if you know what I mean.
But it is the most wonderful time of the year. With the release of two new next generation video game systems, by Nintendo and Sony, a new age in interactive entertainment has blossomed. However, there’s far more than that going on than just some fancy new consoles. In the past month, more has happened in the video game industry then perhaps the last two years combined. Let us take a quick look at what has happened since November:
Guitar Hero 2 hit the shelves in early November giving me some brand new songs to rock out to. Then we had Final Fantasy 12 hit the Playstation 2 while the remake of Final Fantasy 3 dropped on the Nintendo DS. And as you know, I’m a huge fan of the Final Fantasy series. Hell, I even own Mystic Quest for my SNES (bonus points go out to those you who already know what that game is). Then there’s Gears of War, Children of Mana, Disgea 2, and far too many other titles to name in the space I have here. Oh, and there’s this little known game called the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess too. You may have heard of it.
I think by now, its safe for me to confide in you. I’ve bared enough of my soul over the past nine months that I feel almost comfortable in speaking of my feelings. Almost comfortable, but let’s face it, I’m not exactly the emotional type. That being said, I’m not afraid to tell you that I have wept, on more than one occasion, tears of absolute joy over the amount of high quality content that has come out recently for video game enthusiasts.
There is so much out there right now that I do not have the hours in my day to play all the games that I would like. Well, I guess I could have worse problems. Like cancer. I mean, that would suck, right?
Since Christmas is only days away, I thought I’d give you my thoughts on the must have gifts of the season: the Nintendo Wii, the Sony Playstation 3, and the Xbox 360. If you don’t have one of these items on your wish list (assuming you don’t already own all three), then we just can’t be friends anymore. Hey, it’s not my fault that you’re a loser.
First off, the Nintendo Wii. Ok, I’ll admit, the name scares me. It did the first time I heard it, and it continues to this day. But there are some benefits to it. It’s very catchy in some phrases. Such as, “I’m going to go home to play with my Wii.” Or, “How come girls always look at me funny when I ask them to come over and play with my Wii? I’m sure that if they’d just touch my Wii, they’d love every second they had their hands on it.”
Nintendo’s nomenclature aside, the Wii is very different from its competitors. If you’re looking for the high powered, top of the line graphics, high definition, and all that jazz, then Nintendo isn’t pandering to you. Simply put, the Wii is pure fun. I preordered mine (mainly because I’m a huge dork like that) and it is truly the most fun I have ever had with a console (even my Nintendo DS, which I have been known to take out to a romantic dinner on the occasion).
Case in point: a guy I work with, who had previously mocked Nintendo for their lack of processing power and true next-generation graphics, had a chance to sit down (or stand, as it was) and play a few rounds of the Wii sports package. The next day he was thinking of going out and purchasing a Wii just for that game (which comes included with the console). In all honestly, once you get a chance to get your hands on the console and play a few games, you’ll have the video game experience of your life. And trust me, the best is yet to come. Although, I still don’t understand why girls seem so upset when I ask them to touch my Wii. I just don’t get it.
The downside comes when I turn the system on. For some reason, whenever I power up my Wii, I don’t turn it off until six hours later at the minimum. I can’t tell you how many days in a row I’ve stayed up until 5am playing on that thing. And that can’t be healthy. Oh, and as for the stories going around about people losing their grip on the Wii-mote and having it fly out of their hands and breaking expensive plasma TVs and tearing holes in drywall, well, all I can say is: baloney. Two Fridays ago I was at a party with no less than 20 people who were well intoxicated and took turns playing Wii sports. Not a single Wii-mote was dropped or otherwise inadvertently used as a projectile. And trust me, my shirt reeked of spilled tequila halfway through that party, so I know everyone was enjoying themselves on the liquor front. So if you break something with your Wii-mote, it is 100% completely user error. Don’t blame it on Nintendo. If a bunch of drunken idiots can play without breaking anything, I’m sure you can too.
Well, there’s not much I can say about the Playstation 3 other than the fact that I’m still not convinced that it actually exists. I have yet to see a tangible model. Sure, I’ve seen the creepy TV commercials that feature what appears to be a demented baby (with no actual footage of game play). And honestly, they scare me. But until I get one of these mythical consoles in my hand, I will continue with my skepticism. I suppose I should believe in the Playstation 3. I suppose I should believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy as well. But I don’t. And even if I did, why would I want to buy one? Last I checked, Sony was charging $600, a DNA sample for cloning purposes, the rights to turn your house into a nuclear waste dump, and your firstborn son. And that’s just for the console! Who knows what they’re charging for the games.
Nintendo sells their console at $250 a pop and makes money on every one sold. Sony, on the other hand, loses money every time they sell a Playstation 3 for $600. Just some food for thought.
And now we get to the Xbox 360. This is Microsoft’s second foray into the console market, and to be honest, I’m impressed. Even though it has been out for a year now, the system is still very powerful and plays great graphics, especially in high definition. The price is very attractive at $399 for the “pro” console (only a blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic with down syndrome would ever think of buying the $299 “core” console… and even then, he’d have to be really drunk) since it is a full $200 cheaper than the Playstation 3.
The real strength of the Xbox 360 lies in the fact that it has been selling for an entire year. The ensuing titles launched for the system since its inception make it very attractive, and it is far easier to get a hold of the console than either of its competitors. Gears of War and Dead Rising are two games I would seriously love to play in all their high definition glory. And best of all, I have yet to see the blue screen of death appear on any Xbox console. I would have never guessed that Microsoft had it in them.
So there you have it, my take on the video game season of 2006. And from what I’ve been told, Christmas is less than a week away, so you’d better hurry up with that last minute shopping. I hope the information I’ve provided can help you in that aspect. If the ones you’re shopping for have absolutely no interest in the above, then really, there’s no reason to love them anymore. Oh, and why you’re out, do you think you can find some girls who want to play with my Wii? It’s in dire need of some multiplayer action, if you know what I mean.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Video Games Eat My Soul
I had planned on getting some work done yesterday, I really did. Unfortunately, the fates had conspired against me. And by fate, I mean EB Games. While I was running some errands earlier in the afternoon, I passed by the local EB Games store and they had a rather large banner posted. The banner proclaimed that if I bought two used games, I could get a third used game free of charge. Now that’s not a bad deal.
The problem with that is, I really do not need to be buying more video games, used or otherwise. I already owe EB Games more money than I care to with the games I’ve preordered. I currently have preordered the new Nintendo Wii (pronounced “wee,” as in “I need to take a weewee”), two games for the Wii, and Guitar Hero 2 for the Playstation 2. And hopefully you all know how much I love the original Guitar Hero. If Guitar Hero was a woman, I’d make love to it in many varied and exotic positions. And now that you have that wonderfully hideous image in your mind, let’s move on.
I actually didn’t buy any used games while I meandered around the Games store. There wasn’t anything that really popped out at me. There are a few Nintendo DS games I would like to have, but there weren’t used copies of them available. So, I ended up leaving. But then I got home, and after doing one load of laundry, I got bored. I was trying to find a reason to not go back to EB Games and buy something. But apparently I’m no good at that, I’m a bit of a whore for video games, after all. So I went back. And yes, the guy behind the counter did make fun of me for being a loser who can’t stay away from a video game store. I think I need professional help.
I went back for the sole purpose of picking up a copy of Command and Conquer: The First Decade. Command and Conquer is a series of video games where you build up a modern army of tanks and soldiers and go wipe out your enemies. Included in the set are all six games from the Command and Conquer universe along with all the expansion sets to those games as well. Not a bad deal for $30. And of course, I immediately loaded the software on my computer when I got home. I get a strange sense of power and satisfaction when I open up the game menu and see so many different options to choose from. There’s just so many different ways to blow my enemies up. Computerized, simulated war is fun.
It was seven o’clock and I still had plenty of time to get some more work done. I figured I could play just a few games then get to business. Of course, when I have 12 different realities to explore it may end up being more than “just a few games.” That’s ok though, I don’t have a problem doing work at ten at night. I’m a bit of a night owl like that. So I fired up the computer and started playing. Then at four in the morning I finally decided that my rear end needed a break from my rather uncomfortable chair. I also needed to use the bathroom; I had been holding it in for the last three missions.
I think it’s safe to say that video games keep me from getting anything useful done. Of course, that all depends on how you define the word “useful.” If keeping the Soviets from launching a nuclear missile on the western world is “useful” then I’ve been doing pretty damned well. Actually, I like the realism in the game. Using France in an open ended battle is pretty much useless, just like in real life. France’s special weapon, that sets it apart from the other Allies, is a giant defensive cannon that does about as much damage to your own base as it does to the enemies you’re trying to repel. We all know that defense isn’t exactly the French’s specialty. I mean, the Maginot Line just worked out wonderfully for them, didn’t it?
Ok, so making fun of France is a trendy thing to do these days. You don’t need me to go over old stale material. I’d just like to point out that video games keep me from doing any real work. Alcohol, on the other hand, doesn’t keep me from accomplishing anything. In fact, I’m usually the most productive the day after a long night of drinking and mischief. See, the thing is, after drinking a lot, I tend to get dehydrated, so I wake up real early in the morning needing to use the bathroom and get about three cups of water.
But how can this make me productive, you ask. Well, normally I abhor waking up anytime before noon. It just doesn’t seem right to me. And I know doctors say that you usually need six to eight hours of sleep each night in order to get a full rest, but I completely disagree with that. I find that getting eight to ten hours of rest each night keeps me nice and rested. I know that it sounds like I’m a lazy sloth, but in all honesty, I’m much more awake and alert and capable after ten hours of sleep. I don’t need coffee or any other forms of caffeine to keep me going throughout the day like most people. Sleep is good. That is the truth I have come to know and love.
Going beyond my normal sleeping patterns, let’s delve into the reason why I can be more productive with alcohol. Most people usually like to sleep in with hangovers. However, since sleeping in is the norm for me already, a hangover will cause me to wake up early and face the day ahead. Waking up at eight or nine in the morning gives me much more time to do things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I woke up at one or two in the afternoon. Things like taking out the trash, paying the electric bill, and recycling all those empty bottles of beer laying around my apartment (Did I really drink that much last night?). It always gives me a nice sense of satisfaction when I get to be that productive and burn through all the chores on my list. Does this reaffirmation of my self-worth mean that I will be forcing myself to wake up earlier every day to get more done and feel even more confident and industrious? Nope, not even in the slightest. You might want to go read the paragraph above this one more time. But I’ll go right ahead and repeat it here for your benefit: Sleep is good.
I really need to finish this up. I need to do a few more loads of laundry today, especially if I’m going to get my jersey washed in time for my hockey game tonight. You’d think that I would have taken care of all of the laundry already, what with having an entire week between hockey games. But no, I’m just lazy like that. I think the problem lies in the fact that I don’t drink as much as I used to. Now that I don’t have alcohol induced early morning bathroom breaks, I’m not as productive as I used to be. And you know if I’m not forced to get out of my bed before noon, it just won’t happen. I don’t need alcohol, I just need it if I’m going to do something that’s in any way, shape, or form considered work. Say what you want about drinking and the sins of intoxication, but booze really helps me do the things that I need to get done. It’s just a magical potion like that. A magical fairy elixir that makes me feel all warm and wonderful inside.
Now if you’ll excuse me, that beer in my fridge isn’t going to pour itself. Wait, no… I mean laundry. I meant that my laundry isn’t going to do itself. I’ll get right on that. Besides, there’s plenty of time to pour a beer while I’m waiting for the load of dirty clothes to get washed. Not only does beer make my friends more interesting than normal, it makes doing household chores more interesting too!
The problem with that is, I really do not need to be buying more video games, used or otherwise. I already owe EB Games more money than I care to with the games I’ve preordered. I currently have preordered the new Nintendo Wii (pronounced “wee,” as in “I need to take a weewee”), two games for the Wii, and Guitar Hero 2 for the Playstation 2. And hopefully you all know how much I love the original Guitar Hero. If Guitar Hero was a woman, I’d make love to it in many varied and exotic positions. And now that you have that wonderfully hideous image in your mind, let’s move on.
I actually didn’t buy any used games while I meandered around the Games store. There wasn’t anything that really popped out at me. There are a few Nintendo DS games I would like to have, but there weren’t used copies of them available. So, I ended up leaving. But then I got home, and after doing one load of laundry, I got bored. I was trying to find a reason to not go back to EB Games and buy something. But apparently I’m no good at that, I’m a bit of a whore for video games, after all. So I went back. And yes, the guy behind the counter did make fun of me for being a loser who can’t stay away from a video game store. I think I need professional help.
I went back for the sole purpose of picking up a copy of Command and Conquer: The First Decade. Command and Conquer is a series of video games where you build up a modern army of tanks and soldiers and go wipe out your enemies. Included in the set are all six games from the Command and Conquer universe along with all the expansion sets to those games as well. Not a bad deal for $30. And of course, I immediately loaded the software on my computer when I got home. I get a strange sense of power and satisfaction when I open up the game menu and see so many different options to choose from. There’s just so many different ways to blow my enemies up. Computerized, simulated war is fun.
It was seven o’clock and I still had plenty of time to get some more work done. I figured I could play just a few games then get to business. Of course, when I have 12 different realities to explore it may end up being more than “just a few games.” That’s ok though, I don’t have a problem doing work at ten at night. I’m a bit of a night owl like that. So I fired up the computer and started playing. Then at four in the morning I finally decided that my rear end needed a break from my rather uncomfortable chair. I also needed to use the bathroom; I had been holding it in for the last three missions.
I think it’s safe to say that video games keep me from getting anything useful done. Of course, that all depends on how you define the word “useful.” If keeping the Soviets from launching a nuclear missile on the western world is “useful” then I’ve been doing pretty damned well. Actually, I like the realism in the game. Using France in an open ended battle is pretty much useless, just like in real life. France’s special weapon, that sets it apart from the other Allies, is a giant defensive cannon that does about as much damage to your own base as it does to the enemies you’re trying to repel. We all know that defense isn’t exactly the French’s specialty. I mean, the Maginot Line just worked out wonderfully for them, didn’t it?
Ok, so making fun of France is a trendy thing to do these days. You don’t need me to go over old stale material. I’d just like to point out that video games keep me from doing any real work. Alcohol, on the other hand, doesn’t keep me from accomplishing anything. In fact, I’m usually the most productive the day after a long night of drinking and mischief. See, the thing is, after drinking a lot, I tend to get dehydrated, so I wake up real early in the morning needing to use the bathroom and get about three cups of water.
But how can this make me productive, you ask. Well, normally I abhor waking up anytime before noon. It just doesn’t seem right to me. And I know doctors say that you usually need six to eight hours of sleep each night in order to get a full rest, but I completely disagree with that. I find that getting eight to ten hours of rest each night keeps me nice and rested. I know that it sounds like I’m a lazy sloth, but in all honesty, I’m much more awake and alert and capable after ten hours of sleep. I don’t need coffee or any other forms of caffeine to keep me going throughout the day like most people. Sleep is good. That is the truth I have come to know and love.
Going beyond my normal sleeping patterns, let’s delve into the reason why I can be more productive with alcohol. Most people usually like to sleep in with hangovers. However, since sleeping in is the norm for me already, a hangover will cause me to wake up early and face the day ahead. Waking up at eight or nine in the morning gives me much more time to do things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I woke up at one or two in the afternoon. Things like taking out the trash, paying the electric bill, and recycling all those empty bottles of beer laying around my apartment (Did I really drink that much last night?). It always gives me a nice sense of satisfaction when I get to be that productive and burn through all the chores on my list. Does this reaffirmation of my self-worth mean that I will be forcing myself to wake up earlier every day to get more done and feel even more confident and industrious? Nope, not even in the slightest. You might want to go read the paragraph above this one more time. But I’ll go right ahead and repeat it here for your benefit: Sleep is good.
I really need to finish this up. I need to do a few more loads of laundry today, especially if I’m going to get my jersey washed in time for my hockey game tonight. You’d think that I would have taken care of all of the laundry already, what with having an entire week between hockey games. But no, I’m just lazy like that. I think the problem lies in the fact that I don’t drink as much as I used to. Now that I don’t have alcohol induced early morning bathroom breaks, I’m not as productive as I used to be. And you know if I’m not forced to get out of my bed before noon, it just won’t happen. I don’t need alcohol, I just need it if I’m going to do something that’s in any way, shape, or form considered work. Say what you want about drinking and the sins of intoxication, but booze really helps me do the things that I need to get done. It’s just a magical potion like that. A magical fairy elixir that makes me feel all warm and wonderful inside.
Now if you’ll excuse me, that beer in my fridge isn’t going to pour itself. Wait, no… I mean laundry. I meant that my laundry isn’t going to do itself. I’ll get right on that. Besides, there’s plenty of time to pour a beer while I’m waiting for the load of dirty clothes to get washed. Not only does beer make my friends more interesting than normal, it makes doing household chores more interesting too!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Step 1: Admitting You Have a Problem
I’ve never really thought that I have an addictive personality. I don’t need alcohol to survive, I just need it to function in society. But after this past week, I’ve been beginning to wonder if maybe I have an addiction. I’ve been completely obsessed with one thing and only one thing for the past eight days. It has even begun to permeate to the rest of my life as well.
What am I talking about? Well, it’s Guitar Hero. For those of you who don’t know, Guitar Hero is a video game exclusively for the Playstation 2. Instead of using a controller, you plug in a guitar. Well, it’s not a real guitar, but it’s a simplified replica that is designed to be used with the video game. There are five buttons corresponding to the frets and a switch (that can be pushed down or up) where you would strum the strings of the guitar. The game has you “strumming” your Gibson SG replica to the tune of over 30 rockin’ songs as you try to reach the status of a Guitar Hero.
Simply put, the game is amazing. You get to play songs like I Love Rock and Roll, Ironman, Smoke on the Water, Stellar, and so many more classics. There are four different levels of difficulty so you can take your time and work your way up towards playing like a professional. There’s just something about feeling like I’m actually playing the song that makes me feel all warm inside. There’s nothing like the feeling of being up onstage, rocking out to Eric Clapton, and feeling like everyone is cheering you on. It gets the blood pumping, that’s for sure.
Not only do I get to be a guitar god by playing that game, but I also get to listen to some insanely awesome music. Some times I’ll miss a note or two because I’m paying more attention to the music than I am to the notes on the TV screen that I’m supposed to be playing. Unfortunately, when I miss a note, the guitar track won’t play until I start hitting the notes again. And that just makes me sad. I mean, missing out on a killer song brings tears to my eyes and shame to my soul. Luckily once I get back on track and get the song playing again my mood picks back up and my soul beings to soar.
All of this Guitar Heroing has begun to affect many of my other habits. Now whenever I hear an awesome rock song playing, I immediately attempt to perform it on my air guitar version of my Gibson SG video game replica. There’s something about doing an air guitar imitation of a video game replica that just screams wannabe. Imagine if you will, me walking into a very upscale restaurant, escorted by a lovely looking female, both of us dressed up very nicely, when suddenly I hear Z. Z. Top’s Sharp Dressed Man playing in the bar and without delay I quickly break out my illusionary six-string and begin to play along with all the enthusiasm of a rock star. It is not a pretty picture, I assure you.
Maybe this means that I shouldn’t be allowed to play video games. They obviously have a negative effect on me. Well I agree that I tend to play a lot of mindless video games, but I don’t think that it means that I shouldn’t play them any more. When it comes right down to it, I probably shouldn’t be allowed to participate in society any longer. Let’s be perfectly honest with ourselves, rock stars aren’t exactly the epitome of societal standards. But they can get away with it because they’re friggin rock stars. I, however, am not a rock star. I may be a Guitar Hero late at night while rocking out on my Playstation, but that in no way gives me rock star status in society. So I should just be shunned by all of society at large. I really do think it’s for the best.
So, since I cannot be a rock star, I have decided to lend my considerable mental facilities to those of you who are, or are aspiring to be, rock stars. I’ve taken some time out of my busy video game playing schedule (yes, I do have a schedule that shows what video game I am playing at what time) and have crafted this handy list of dos and don’ts for rock stars. Enjoy.
Do be loud, drunk, and obnoxious while you are playing. If you’re not, then you are not, by definition, a rock star
Don’t get beaten up by Ralph Lauren. I mean, what kind of rock star gets his butt kicked by a fashion mogul? (Hint: the answer is Axel Rose)
Do play an extreme guitar solo. Guitar solo’s rock. Just don’t let your drummer have a solo.
Don’t wear your hair like they did in the 80’s. For the love of God, just don’t do it.
Do get a Myspace.com account. I may think that Myspace.com is a complete waste of time and a cesspool for annoying pre-teens, but as it turns out, those pre-teens spend a lot of money on music. And rock stars should get paid.
Don’t give in to the heckling and play Freebird. The moron in the audience yelling that out just doesn’t know the name of any good songs.
Do be sexually promiscuous. You need to pass on your rock star genes to the future rockers of America. Not all rock stars will live as long as Mick Jagger.
Don’t OD on drugs. We’ve already lost far too many rock stars that way.
Do practice at all hours of the day being as loud as possible so that your condo or homeowners association tries to get you kicked out. Hey, if it doesn’t piss anyone off, it’s not rock and roll.
Don’t smash your guitar into the stage at the end of a show. The guitar is an expensive piece of equipment and a valuable tool in producing art.
Do borrow someone else’s guitar so you can smash it into the stage at the end of the show. Then afterwards, blame the damage on the drummer.
Don’t play the song Fat Bottom Girls by Queen when your girlfriend is around. Trust me, she’ll think you’re trying to tell her she’s fat. Girls are crazy that way.
So that’s it, my list of what to do and what not to do for you emerging rock stars. I hope you’ve learned a thing or two today. I know I did: I should not be allowed to go to nice places with nice girls, I just end up embarrassing everyone. Well, I don’t embarrass myself, I quit being embarrassed by my brash stupidity a long time ago. So luckily everyone else just gets embarrassed. And that’s perfectly ok with me so long as I still get to go home, pull out my Playstation, and be a Guitar Hero.
What am I talking about? Well, it’s Guitar Hero. For those of you who don’t know, Guitar Hero is a video game exclusively for the Playstation 2. Instead of using a controller, you plug in a guitar. Well, it’s not a real guitar, but it’s a simplified replica that is designed to be used with the video game. There are five buttons corresponding to the frets and a switch (that can be pushed down or up) where you would strum the strings of the guitar. The game has you “strumming” your Gibson SG replica to the tune of over 30 rockin’ songs as you try to reach the status of a Guitar Hero.
Simply put, the game is amazing. You get to play songs like I Love Rock and Roll, Ironman, Smoke on the Water, Stellar, and so many more classics. There are four different levels of difficulty so you can take your time and work your way up towards playing like a professional. There’s just something about feeling like I’m actually playing the song that makes me feel all warm inside. There’s nothing like the feeling of being up onstage, rocking out to Eric Clapton, and feeling like everyone is cheering you on. It gets the blood pumping, that’s for sure.
Not only do I get to be a guitar god by playing that game, but I also get to listen to some insanely awesome music. Some times I’ll miss a note or two because I’m paying more attention to the music than I am to the notes on the TV screen that I’m supposed to be playing. Unfortunately, when I miss a note, the guitar track won’t play until I start hitting the notes again. And that just makes me sad. I mean, missing out on a killer song brings tears to my eyes and shame to my soul. Luckily once I get back on track and get the song playing again my mood picks back up and my soul beings to soar.
All of this Guitar Heroing has begun to affect many of my other habits. Now whenever I hear an awesome rock song playing, I immediately attempt to perform it on my air guitar version of my Gibson SG video game replica. There’s something about doing an air guitar imitation of a video game replica that just screams wannabe. Imagine if you will, me walking into a very upscale restaurant, escorted by a lovely looking female, both of us dressed up very nicely, when suddenly I hear Z. Z. Top’s Sharp Dressed Man playing in the bar and without delay I quickly break out my illusionary six-string and begin to play along with all the enthusiasm of a rock star. It is not a pretty picture, I assure you.
Maybe this means that I shouldn’t be allowed to play video games. They obviously have a negative effect on me. Well I agree that I tend to play a lot of mindless video games, but I don’t think that it means that I shouldn’t play them any more. When it comes right down to it, I probably shouldn’t be allowed to participate in society any longer. Let’s be perfectly honest with ourselves, rock stars aren’t exactly the epitome of societal standards. But they can get away with it because they’re friggin rock stars. I, however, am not a rock star. I may be a Guitar Hero late at night while rocking out on my Playstation, but that in no way gives me rock star status in society. So I should just be shunned by all of society at large. I really do think it’s for the best.
So, since I cannot be a rock star, I have decided to lend my considerable mental facilities to those of you who are, or are aspiring to be, rock stars. I’ve taken some time out of my busy video game playing schedule (yes, I do have a schedule that shows what video game I am playing at what time) and have crafted this handy list of dos and don’ts for rock stars. Enjoy.
Do be loud, drunk, and obnoxious while you are playing. If you’re not, then you are not, by definition, a rock star
Don’t get beaten up by Ralph Lauren. I mean, what kind of rock star gets his butt kicked by a fashion mogul? (Hint: the answer is Axel Rose)
Do play an extreme guitar solo. Guitar solo’s rock. Just don’t let your drummer have a solo.
Don’t wear your hair like they did in the 80’s. For the love of God, just don’t do it.
Do get a Myspace.com account. I may think that Myspace.com is a complete waste of time and a cesspool for annoying pre-teens, but as it turns out, those pre-teens spend a lot of money on music. And rock stars should get paid.
Don’t give in to the heckling and play Freebird. The moron in the audience yelling that out just doesn’t know the name of any good songs.
Do be sexually promiscuous. You need to pass on your rock star genes to the future rockers of America. Not all rock stars will live as long as Mick Jagger.
Don’t OD on drugs. We’ve already lost far too many rock stars that way.
Do practice at all hours of the day being as loud as possible so that your condo or homeowners association tries to get you kicked out. Hey, if it doesn’t piss anyone off, it’s not rock and roll.
Don’t smash your guitar into the stage at the end of a show. The guitar is an expensive piece of equipment and a valuable tool in producing art.
Do borrow someone else’s guitar so you can smash it into the stage at the end of the show. Then afterwards, blame the damage on the drummer.
Don’t play the song Fat Bottom Girls by Queen when your girlfriend is around. Trust me, she’ll think you’re trying to tell her she’s fat. Girls are crazy that way.
So that’s it, my list of what to do and what not to do for you emerging rock stars. I hope you’ve learned a thing or two today. I know I did: I should not be allowed to go to nice places with nice girls, I just end up embarrassing everyone. Well, I don’t embarrass myself, I quit being embarrassed by my brash stupidity a long time ago. So luckily everyone else just gets embarrassed. And that’s perfectly ok with me so long as I still get to go home, pull out my Playstation, and be a Guitar Hero.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
I’m a Dirty, Dirty Whore
I recently found myself playing an older video game, Chrono Trigger. This is probably because it’s my favorite video game of all time. It was made way back in 1995 for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, and even today I think every part of the game is awesome. But why am I playing an 11 year old game when I have a Gamecube, Playstation 2, and a shiny new computer? I mean, besides the fact that I’m a sucker for nostalgia.
The market for console games isn’t so hot right now since both Sony and Nintendo are gearing up for the release of their next generation systems. And I’m eagerly awaiting those systems, mostly the new Nintendo, named Wii. Yes, it’s pronounced “Weee.” I really don’t know what I can say about the name that isn’t painfully obvious. I think I’m going to get a permanent marker and write “REVOLUTION” on the front of my Wii when I get one (Revolution is Nintendo’s old codename for the Wii). I just refuse to say the name Wii out loud. I mean, seriously, I feel like an idiot just reading it.
But that won’t stop me from buying one. The new controller and game mechanics aside, I’m going to buy pretty much anything Nintendo puts out. This is because I’m Nintendo’s whore. They put out a new system or some new games, I buy them. Right now in my apartment I have a Super Nintendo, a Gamecube, a Gameboy Advance, and a DS. And I hope you all know how much I love my DS. Back at my parent’s place I have an old Gameboy, and I co-own a Super Nintendo and a Nintendo 64 with my brother. And let’s not talk about the volume of games I’ve built up over the years.
I’m beginning to think Nintendo needs to pay me money. I could wear a Nintendo t-shirt around and be a walking piece of advertising for them. I mean, they’ve made plenty of money off me in the past, and will continue to into the future, so the way I see it, I’m a good investment. You know how bad it is when you go clothes shopping with a girl… well, I’m probably worse when I step into the local EB Games store. I take my damned time looking at all the new and used games, seeing if there’s anything there worth buying. And well, it doesn’t matter if anything is worth buying or not, I still walk away with at least one game in my hand.
It’s not like I’m obsessed with Nintendo games or anything. But I’m probably the only guy you know who has a list of things to do before I die that includes: Beat all of the Metroid games and beat all of the Legend of Zelda games. And I’m kind of behind on that. I still haven’t beaten the original Metroid on NES, Metroid 2 on Gameboy or Metroid Prime 2, even though I own the last one. I have yet to beat the first two Zelda’s on the NES or either of the two Zelda’s on Gameboy Color. I need to get to work on that. It’s not for a lack of game playing skills that I have yet to beat those games, that’s for sure. I mean, I may not be able to beat Super Mario Bros. 3 in only 11 minutes, but I’m still pretty damn good with a controller in my hand.
So yes, I am a complete and total Nintendo whore. But what do I get for my dedication to Shigeru Miyamoto and company? Well, let’s see: The newest Zelda game, The Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess, has been postponed several times and may not come out until Christmas this year (it was originally slated for October of last year). Nintendo didn’t even bother to come out with a Metroid title for the Nintendo 64 making me wait for several years before Metroid Prime came out for the Gamecube. There has yet to be a sequel to Mario RPG, and NO, Paper Mario does not count. Yoshi Story for the N64 was a horrible game, nothing like the awesomeness that was Yoshi Story for the SNES. And no more sequels to Perfect Dark, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, or Donkey Kong Country for Nintendo systems (of course, this is due to Microsoft buying up the developer Rare and forcing them to make really crappy sequels on the X-box).
To be perfectly honest, I feel let down and abandoned. How could Nintendo do this to me? I’ve been a loyal and faithful whore all these years. Haven’t they noticed? Certainly not. They never remember my birthday and as I pointed out before, they took away my Christmas present last year when they postponed the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess. But being the whore that I am, I will give them one more chance. I will wait for them to make amends. The Wii (and I shudder every time I write that word) better come out in time for this Christmas, and it better rock my world. And it had better launch with the Twilight Princess. I’m going through some serious Zelda withdraws, mainly because the Wind Waker didn’t quite give me the Zelda fix I needed. It only managed to tie me over for a little while.
If Nintendo fails on this, if they don’t come through for me at the end of the year, I just don’t know what I’ll do. It would be as if my whole world crashed in upon itself and crushed me like an insignificant bug. I know that probably sounds pathetic, having my life revolve around video games and one console especially. But let’s think about this a minute. What do I really have to look forward to in the real world? The developing troubles in the Middle East that will only get worse before they get better. The end of cheap gas and energy that won’t just increase the fuel I put in my car, but also the cost of most of the goods I buy. The fact that we elected a president and national government that can’t seem to be capable enough to balance a budget. Should these things excite me and make me happy day in and day out?
The answer, for me at least, is no. This is why I prefer to get my news from the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. I may not get all the facts, but hey, the facts are upsetting and depressing, and who wants that? So I enjoy playing video games. In Chrono Trigger, I guide a group of youngsters who must master time travel in order to save the planet from a great evil threatening to consume it. And while doing so, the group saves humanity from evil forces in several different eras of time. See, its uplifting, good triumphs over evil, and one of the characters is a frog. I mean, who doesn’t like a talking frog?
And I’d like to state for the record that video games do not make me violent. Just because I can hack and slash and shoot people up in a video game does not mean I’m going to go do it in the outside world. Well, ok, if Twilight Princess doesn’t come out by this Christmas, I may buy a one way ticket to Japan and go postal on some Nintendo employees. But that doesn’t prove anything. Video games have not taught me violence is ok, I know for a fact that violence is wrong. It’s just that I’ve come to depend on video games like a drug, and if I don’t get my fix… bad things tend to happen. So if you don’t want bad things to happen, write a letter to Nintendo and tell them to send me a free copy of the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess as soon as it’s ready. Thank you!
The market for console games isn’t so hot right now since both Sony and Nintendo are gearing up for the release of their next generation systems. And I’m eagerly awaiting those systems, mostly the new Nintendo, named Wii. Yes, it’s pronounced “Weee.” I really don’t know what I can say about the name that isn’t painfully obvious. I think I’m going to get a permanent marker and write “REVOLUTION” on the front of my Wii when I get one (Revolution is Nintendo’s old codename for the Wii). I just refuse to say the name Wii out loud. I mean, seriously, I feel like an idiot just reading it.
But that won’t stop me from buying one. The new controller and game mechanics aside, I’m going to buy pretty much anything Nintendo puts out. This is because I’m Nintendo’s whore. They put out a new system or some new games, I buy them. Right now in my apartment I have a Super Nintendo, a Gamecube, a Gameboy Advance, and a DS. And I hope you all know how much I love my DS. Back at my parent’s place I have an old Gameboy, and I co-own a Super Nintendo and a Nintendo 64 with my brother. And let’s not talk about the volume of games I’ve built up over the years.
I’m beginning to think Nintendo needs to pay me money. I could wear a Nintendo t-shirt around and be a walking piece of advertising for them. I mean, they’ve made plenty of money off me in the past, and will continue to into the future, so the way I see it, I’m a good investment. You know how bad it is when you go clothes shopping with a girl… well, I’m probably worse when I step into the local EB Games store. I take my damned time looking at all the new and used games, seeing if there’s anything there worth buying. And well, it doesn’t matter if anything is worth buying or not, I still walk away with at least one game in my hand.
It’s not like I’m obsessed with Nintendo games or anything. But I’m probably the only guy you know who has a list of things to do before I die that includes: Beat all of the Metroid games and beat all of the Legend of Zelda games. And I’m kind of behind on that. I still haven’t beaten the original Metroid on NES, Metroid 2 on Gameboy or Metroid Prime 2, even though I own the last one. I have yet to beat the first two Zelda’s on the NES or either of the two Zelda’s on Gameboy Color. I need to get to work on that. It’s not for a lack of game playing skills that I have yet to beat those games, that’s for sure. I mean, I may not be able to beat Super Mario Bros. 3 in only 11 minutes, but I’m still pretty damn good with a controller in my hand.
So yes, I am a complete and total Nintendo whore. But what do I get for my dedication to Shigeru Miyamoto and company? Well, let’s see: The newest Zelda game, The Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess, has been postponed several times and may not come out until Christmas this year (it was originally slated for October of last year). Nintendo didn’t even bother to come out with a Metroid title for the Nintendo 64 making me wait for several years before Metroid Prime came out for the Gamecube. There has yet to be a sequel to Mario RPG, and NO, Paper Mario does not count. Yoshi Story for the N64 was a horrible game, nothing like the awesomeness that was Yoshi Story for the SNES. And no more sequels to Perfect Dark, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, or Donkey Kong Country for Nintendo systems (of course, this is due to Microsoft buying up the developer Rare and forcing them to make really crappy sequels on the X-box).
To be perfectly honest, I feel let down and abandoned. How could Nintendo do this to me? I’ve been a loyal and faithful whore all these years. Haven’t they noticed? Certainly not. They never remember my birthday and as I pointed out before, they took away my Christmas present last year when they postponed the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess. But being the whore that I am, I will give them one more chance. I will wait for them to make amends. The Wii (and I shudder every time I write that word) better come out in time for this Christmas, and it better rock my world. And it had better launch with the Twilight Princess. I’m going through some serious Zelda withdraws, mainly because the Wind Waker didn’t quite give me the Zelda fix I needed. It only managed to tie me over for a little while.
If Nintendo fails on this, if they don’t come through for me at the end of the year, I just don’t know what I’ll do. It would be as if my whole world crashed in upon itself and crushed me like an insignificant bug. I know that probably sounds pathetic, having my life revolve around video games and one console especially. But let’s think about this a minute. What do I really have to look forward to in the real world? The developing troubles in the Middle East that will only get worse before they get better. The end of cheap gas and energy that won’t just increase the fuel I put in my car, but also the cost of most of the goods I buy. The fact that we elected a president and national government that can’t seem to be capable enough to balance a budget. Should these things excite me and make me happy day in and day out?
The answer, for me at least, is no. This is why I prefer to get my news from the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. I may not get all the facts, but hey, the facts are upsetting and depressing, and who wants that? So I enjoy playing video games. In Chrono Trigger, I guide a group of youngsters who must master time travel in order to save the planet from a great evil threatening to consume it. And while doing so, the group saves humanity from evil forces in several different eras of time. See, its uplifting, good triumphs over evil, and one of the characters is a frog. I mean, who doesn’t like a talking frog?
And I’d like to state for the record that video games do not make me violent. Just because I can hack and slash and shoot people up in a video game does not mean I’m going to go do it in the outside world. Well, ok, if Twilight Princess doesn’t come out by this Christmas, I may buy a one way ticket to Japan and go postal on some Nintendo employees. But that doesn’t prove anything. Video games have not taught me violence is ok, I know for a fact that violence is wrong. It’s just that I’ve come to depend on video games like a drug, and if I don’t get my fix… bad things tend to happen. So if you don’t want bad things to happen, write a letter to Nintendo and tell them to send me a free copy of the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess as soon as it’s ready. Thank you!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
An Age Old Battle
Lately a lot of my friends have been asking me why I don’t have a girlfriend. Well, it’s pretty simple. I think I have some issues. See, the last date I was on the girl mentioned an event that was coming up in two months that she though “we” should go to. About two seconds after she finished that sentence my windpipe closed itself off causing me to choke. It felt like Lord Vader was standing behind me utilizing the force choke hold and strangling me with his thoughts. I may have just given commitment an evil personification. That’s just me.
I’ve been told I’m afraid of commitment. I’m not so sure I agree. Honestly, it’s just that I don’t like to have obligations to people or to be emotionally driven by any strong moral pressures. That has nothing to do with commitment. See, Webster’s defines commitment as: the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled (and impelled only means: to drive forward as if by the exertion of strong moral pressure). They’re completely different things.
Still, I apparently need a girlfriend. I did not know this until my friends told me, repeatedly. They tell me I need someone who will comfort me, be there for me, care about me, and generally bring happiness to my life. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what they said, and as it turns out my Nintendo DS (Duel Screen) already covers all those bases. So why do I need a girlfriend?
No seriously, I want you to think about it for a minute. I have done a lot of thinking about it myself, and for me that much thought is a rare occurrence. So I have come up with a lengthy list of why my Nintendo DS is better than a girlfriend. You can make all the wisecracks you want, but I’m sure after reading this, you just might agree with me.
To buy a new game for the Nintendo DS, you simple go into a game store, pick out what you want, and pay for it: typically $35. To take a girl you just met out on a date, the typical dinner and a movie will cost you $45-$75 depending on the restaurant and whether you spring for the large tub of popcorn and drinks at the theater. Oh, and I’m pretty sure the video game will last a lot longer too.
The Nintendo DS has a built in microphone that is used in some of the games. So I know for a fact that it can hear me. With women, sometimes I wonder if they have the ability to hear at all. It’s like they never pay attention when I try to say something. Of course, I never have anything important to say, but that’s beside the point.
If you’re in the mood for a shooter, you throw Metroid Prime: Hunters into your DS. If later you change your mind and get in the mood for a puzzle game, you throw in Meteos or Brain Age. Now, if you’re dating a blonde girl and suddenly you’re in the mood for a redhead, well, try mentioning that to your girlfriend and see what happens.
Nintendo recently released the DS Lite. This Lite version is much more attractive and is easier to carry around than the original DS. Hmm… now if only I could find a girl who is more attractive and has less baggage.
The DS has a volume control on it. Yet, despite modern breakthroughs in medicine, technology, and psychiatry, mankind has yet to invent a volume control for women. In this respect, we’re no better off than the caveman was.
My DS has never asked me to change the channel so it can watch Oprah. Enough said.
If I’m in the mood for role-playing I can just snap a cartridge in to the DS and get started. The game system doesn’t judge me. Most women seem to get disgusted when I bring up the idea of role-playing. I mean, what’s so wrong about the Princess Leia slave girl outfit?
My DS is portable and can be carried around to hockey games, monster truck rallies, and seedy dive bars. Find me a girl who is willing to accompany me to all of those places, and I just might have a reason to put the video games down.
The DS is WiFi ready right out of the box. You can connect at any WiFi hotspot and challenge anyone around the globe with up to 16 players competing. It’s a great multiplayer system. When was the last time your girlfriend allowed you to play around with someone else?
When your DS has problems (like if you drop it down seven flights of stairs then keep it submerged in Kool-aid for over ten minutes) then you can always go out and purchase a new one for only $130. If your girlfriend has problems, then suddenly you have problems. You have to listen and be a part of every little insignificant bit of it. And no amount of money or therapy will make it go away.
Nintendo’s official DS slogan is “Touching is Good.” When was the last time a girl said that to you?
So I think you can see that I’m perfectly happy with my DS. It has brought so much joy in my life that I could not imagine a world without it. I think you can also see why I don’t have a girlfriend. After reading the above, who would want to go out with me? If you know of any girls that would, please send them my way.
Oh, and do yourself a favor, the next time your girlfriend hits “that time of the month,” lock yourself in a closet, down in the basement, in your neighbors house with a Nintendo DS. Trust me the DS will never have wild and crazy mood swings no matter what the lunar cycle is. Life with a DS is so much less complicated.
I’ve been told I’m afraid of commitment. I’m not so sure I agree. Honestly, it’s just that I don’t like to have obligations to people or to be emotionally driven by any strong moral pressures. That has nothing to do with commitment. See, Webster’s defines commitment as: the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled (and impelled only means: to drive forward as if by the exertion of strong moral pressure). They’re completely different things.
Still, I apparently need a girlfriend. I did not know this until my friends told me, repeatedly. They tell me I need someone who will comfort me, be there for me, care about me, and generally bring happiness to my life. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what they said, and as it turns out my Nintendo DS (Duel Screen) already covers all those bases. So why do I need a girlfriend?
No seriously, I want you to think about it for a minute. I have done a lot of thinking about it myself, and for me that much thought is a rare occurrence. So I have come up with a lengthy list of why my Nintendo DS is better than a girlfriend. You can make all the wisecracks you want, but I’m sure after reading this, you just might agree with me.
To buy a new game for the Nintendo DS, you simple go into a game store, pick out what you want, and pay for it: typically $35. To take a girl you just met out on a date, the typical dinner and a movie will cost you $45-$75 depending on the restaurant and whether you spring for the large tub of popcorn and drinks at the theater. Oh, and I’m pretty sure the video game will last a lot longer too.
The Nintendo DS has a built in microphone that is used in some of the games. So I know for a fact that it can hear me. With women, sometimes I wonder if they have the ability to hear at all. It’s like they never pay attention when I try to say something. Of course, I never have anything important to say, but that’s beside the point.
If you’re in the mood for a shooter, you throw Metroid Prime: Hunters into your DS. If later you change your mind and get in the mood for a puzzle game, you throw in Meteos or Brain Age. Now, if you’re dating a blonde girl and suddenly you’re in the mood for a redhead, well, try mentioning that to your girlfriend and see what happens.
Nintendo recently released the DS Lite. This Lite version is much more attractive and is easier to carry around than the original DS. Hmm… now if only I could find a girl who is more attractive and has less baggage.
The DS has a volume control on it. Yet, despite modern breakthroughs in medicine, technology, and psychiatry, mankind has yet to invent a volume control for women. In this respect, we’re no better off than the caveman was.
My DS has never asked me to change the channel so it can watch Oprah. Enough said.
If I’m in the mood for role-playing I can just snap a cartridge in to the DS and get started. The game system doesn’t judge me. Most women seem to get disgusted when I bring up the idea of role-playing. I mean, what’s so wrong about the Princess Leia slave girl outfit?
My DS is portable and can be carried around to hockey games, monster truck rallies, and seedy dive bars. Find me a girl who is willing to accompany me to all of those places, and I just might have a reason to put the video games down.
The DS is WiFi ready right out of the box. You can connect at any WiFi hotspot and challenge anyone around the globe with up to 16 players competing. It’s a great multiplayer system. When was the last time your girlfriend allowed you to play around with someone else?
When your DS has problems (like if you drop it down seven flights of stairs then keep it submerged in Kool-aid for over ten minutes) then you can always go out and purchase a new one for only $130. If your girlfriend has problems, then suddenly you have problems. You have to listen and be a part of every little insignificant bit of it. And no amount of money or therapy will make it go away.
Nintendo’s official DS slogan is “Touching is Good.” When was the last time a girl said that to you?
So I think you can see that I’m perfectly happy with my DS. It has brought so much joy in my life that I could not imagine a world without it. I think you can also see why I don’t have a girlfriend. After reading the above, who would want to go out with me? If you know of any girls that would, please send them my way.
Oh, and do yourself a favor, the next time your girlfriend hits “that time of the month,” lock yourself in a closet, down in the basement, in your neighbors house with a Nintendo DS. Trust me the DS will never have wild and crazy mood swings no matter what the lunar cycle is. Life with a DS is so much less complicated.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Exercising for Dummies
So a friend of mine and his wife recently started a diet. Good for them! Unfortunately, they haven’t started a regular exercise program yet. And as we all know, diet and exercise go together. Of course, you can lose weight by dieting without exercising. It’s highly effective and a rather cheap way to lose weight. I believe its called anorexia. Hey, it can work just as well for guys as it does for girls. Give it a try today!
And what I mean is, don’t actually do that. Anorexia is bad. You need to eat. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like a two dimensional stick figure that is easily blown around on a windy day right in front of an 18 wheeler whose solid steel frame is much more dense than your pathetic sack of bones and skin. So unless this sounds like your idea of a fun day, make sure you keep eating, three meals a day preferably.
But since my friends haven’t put together a workable exercise routine yet, I decided to do it for them. So here I have a comprehensive list of exercises to work the various muscles in the body to receive a total workout. I think I should take this time to reiterate that I am NOT a doctor, nutritionist, physical therapist, junior high PE teacher, or someone who has actually read a book or two on the subject.
First up are aerobic exercises. Aerobic exercises work on increasing endurance levels of your muscles. The most basic of these is jogging, where you just run for an extended period of time. BORING! I spent some time here coming up with new ideas to make the aerobic workout more exciting.
1. Shopping mall picture scavenger hunt: While your wife/girlfriend/significant other is busy trying on clothes, pull out your digital camera, you’re going on a scavenger hunt. Look for these things: a video game demo, a new car being showcased, the information stand, any Craftsman power tool, a pay phone, a group of high schoolers who obviously have nothing better to do than hang out at the local mall, and a guy who is actually waiting patiently for his wife/girlfriend/significant other to finish trying on clothes. And remember, you have to get all these pictures before she finishes trying on her clothes and notices you missing. So that’s about a good 20 minutes.
2. The gauntlet: Run down a series of narrow European style roads, dodging and weaving around every corner to avoid the German sniper fire. This is either the most effective aerobic training ever, or I have been playing way too many video games lately. I’ll let you decide.
3. Interstate cycling: Get on your bike and ride on the interstate. But there is no wussy riding on the shoulder crap here. You’re riding in the lanes just like a regular car. If you can’t go 70 miles per hour using only pedal power, then you aren’t in shape. The various cars and trucks whizzing around you and riding your tail that could easily turn you into road kill should be incentive enough to push yourself.
Well those are just a few aerobic exercises you can try out. If you noticed, there’s not much new to them. It’s mainly just running and bicycling. The trick is in the motivation. If you’re about to get run over by a soccer mom in a gas guzzling SUV, then I think you’re going to be willing to push it just a little bit harder to spare your life. That’s the general idea at least.
Now its time for muscle building exercises. While the aerobic exercises burn away fat, anaerobic exercises build muscle. And that’s the general idea, less fat, more muscle. Once again, I have my list of unique exercises that will help you do this quicker and with less fuss.
1. Oprah pushups: Go out and buy the latest issue of O Magazine. I can almost guarantee you Oprah will be on the cover. Now lay that magazine in your living room with Oprah’s face staring up at you. Now get down to do some pushups, making sure your face is resting on the magazine when you are in the down position. This way, every time you come down from your pushup you are face to face with the one and only Oprah, giving you the incentive to shove yourself right back into the up position.
2. Break into your friend’s house/apartment and move all of his heavy furniture out onto his front lawn. Make sure you’re there when he comes home to see all of his stuff laying out for birds to crap on so you can have a good laugh. Then, after he beats the crap out of you mercilessly, offer to move it all back into his place for him.
3. Buy a set of weights and start lifting. Then realize after about two days that lifting weights really isn’t your “thing.” Now pull the Xbox out of the closet, which is a feat of strength in itself, and start playing some Halo. Hey, thumbs need exercise too.
Ok, so now we’ve covered the basic parts of exercise, endurance and strength. But before we go, there’s one more facet of exercising we need to cover, and that’s flexibility. You need to make sure to stretch both before and after every workout. This way you won’t pull anything.
You also need to try to improve on your flexibility. From what I hear, you can take yoga, which will help you bend in all sorts of weird ways. You can also do daily stretches on your own. But there are better ways to increase your flexibility. Personally, I think the Kama sutra is the way to go. It blends flexibility with fun! Also, as an added bonus, sex is a great way to burn off extra calories. Although, I doubt this will work well for you married guys out there, sorry.
Well, I hoped you learned a thing or two about keeping healthy today. I know I did. Well, no I didn’t. But the important thing is that you go out there and get some exercise! And while you do, I’ll be in here, playing WWII based video games. Let me tell you, my thumbs are going to be in awesome shape!
And what I mean is, don’t actually do that. Anorexia is bad. You need to eat. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like a two dimensional stick figure that is easily blown around on a windy day right in front of an 18 wheeler whose solid steel frame is much more dense than your pathetic sack of bones and skin. So unless this sounds like your idea of a fun day, make sure you keep eating, three meals a day preferably.
But since my friends haven’t put together a workable exercise routine yet, I decided to do it for them. So here I have a comprehensive list of exercises to work the various muscles in the body to receive a total workout. I think I should take this time to reiterate that I am NOT a doctor, nutritionist, physical therapist, junior high PE teacher, or someone who has actually read a book or two on the subject.
First up are aerobic exercises. Aerobic exercises work on increasing endurance levels of your muscles. The most basic of these is jogging, where you just run for an extended period of time. BORING! I spent some time here coming up with new ideas to make the aerobic workout more exciting.
1. Shopping mall picture scavenger hunt: While your wife/girlfriend/significant other is busy trying on clothes, pull out your digital camera, you’re going on a scavenger hunt. Look for these things: a video game demo, a new car being showcased, the information stand, any Craftsman power tool, a pay phone, a group of high schoolers who obviously have nothing better to do than hang out at the local mall, and a guy who is actually waiting patiently for his wife/girlfriend/significant other to finish trying on clothes. And remember, you have to get all these pictures before she finishes trying on her clothes and notices you missing. So that’s about a good 20 minutes.
2. The gauntlet: Run down a series of narrow European style roads, dodging and weaving around every corner to avoid the German sniper fire. This is either the most effective aerobic training ever, or I have been playing way too many video games lately. I’ll let you decide.
3. Interstate cycling: Get on your bike and ride on the interstate. But there is no wussy riding on the shoulder crap here. You’re riding in the lanes just like a regular car. If you can’t go 70 miles per hour using only pedal power, then you aren’t in shape. The various cars and trucks whizzing around you and riding your tail that could easily turn you into road kill should be incentive enough to push yourself.
Well those are just a few aerobic exercises you can try out. If you noticed, there’s not much new to them. It’s mainly just running and bicycling. The trick is in the motivation. If you’re about to get run over by a soccer mom in a gas guzzling SUV, then I think you’re going to be willing to push it just a little bit harder to spare your life. That’s the general idea at least.
Now its time for muscle building exercises. While the aerobic exercises burn away fat, anaerobic exercises build muscle. And that’s the general idea, less fat, more muscle. Once again, I have my list of unique exercises that will help you do this quicker and with less fuss.
1. Oprah pushups: Go out and buy the latest issue of O Magazine. I can almost guarantee you Oprah will be on the cover. Now lay that magazine in your living room with Oprah’s face staring up at you. Now get down to do some pushups, making sure your face is resting on the magazine when you are in the down position. This way, every time you come down from your pushup you are face to face with the one and only Oprah, giving you the incentive to shove yourself right back into the up position.
2. Break into your friend’s house/apartment and move all of his heavy furniture out onto his front lawn. Make sure you’re there when he comes home to see all of his stuff laying out for birds to crap on so you can have a good laugh. Then, after he beats the crap out of you mercilessly, offer to move it all back into his place for him.
3. Buy a set of weights and start lifting. Then realize after about two days that lifting weights really isn’t your “thing.” Now pull the Xbox out of the closet, which is a feat of strength in itself, and start playing some Halo. Hey, thumbs need exercise too.
Ok, so now we’ve covered the basic parts of exercise, endurance and strength. But before we go, there’s one more facet of exercising we need to cover, and that’s flexibility. You need to make sure to stretch both before and after every workout. This way you won’t pull anything.
You also need to try to improve on your flexibility. From what I hear, you can take yoga, which will help you bend in all sorts of weird ways. You can also do daily stretches on your own. But there are better ways to increase your flexibility. Personally, I think the Kama sutra is the way to go. It blends flexibility with fun! Also, as an added bonus, sex is a great way to burn off extra calories. Although, I doubt this will work well for you married guys out there, sorry.
Well, I hoped you learned a thing or two about keeping healthy today. I know I did. Well, no I didn’t. But the important thing is that you go out there and get some exercise! And while you do, I’ll be in here, playing WWII based video games. Let me tell you, my thumbs are going to be in awesome shape!
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