An Age Old Battle

Lately a lot of my friends have been asking me why I don’t have a girlfriend. Well, it’s pretty simple. I think I have some issues. See, the last date I was on the girl mentioned an event that was coming up in two months that she though “we” should go to. About two seconds after she finished that sentence my windpipe closed itself off causing me to choke. It felt like Lord Vader was standing behind me utilizing the force choke hold and strangling me with his thoughts. I may have just given commitment an evil personification. That’s just me.

I’ve been told I’m afraid of commitment. I’m not so sure I agree. Honestly, it’s just that I don’t like to have obligations to people or to be emotionally driven by any strong moral pressures. That has nothing to do with commitment. See, Webster’s defines commitment as: the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled (and impelled only means: to drive forward as if by the exertion of strong moral pressure). They’re completely different things.

Still, I apparently need a girlfriend. I did not know this until my friends told me, repeatedly. They tell me I need someone who will comfort me, be there for me, care about me, and generally bring happiness to my life. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what they said, and as it turns out my Nintendo DS (Duel Screen) already covers all those bases. So why do I need a girlfriend?

No seriously, I want you to think about it for a minute. I have done a lot of thinking about it myself, and for me that much thought is a rare occurrence. So I have come up with a lengthy list of why my Nintendo DS is better than a girlfriend. You can make all the wisecracks you want, but I’m sure after reading this, you just might agree with me.

To buy a new game for the Nintendo DS, you simple go into a game store, pick out what you want, and pay for it: typically $35. To take a girl you just met out on a date, the typical dinner and a movie will cost you $45-$75 depending on the restaurant and whether you spring for the large tub of popcorn and drinks at the theater. Oh, and I’m pretty sure the video game will last a lot longer too.

The Nintendo DS has a built in microphone that is used in some of the games. So I know for a fact that it can hear me. With women, sometimes I wonder if they have the ability to hear at all. It’s like they never pay attention when I try to say something. Of course, I never have anything important to say, but that’s beside the point.

If you’re in the mood for a shooter, you throw Metroid Prime: Hunters into your DS. If later you change your mind and get in the mood for a puzzle game, you throw in Meteos or Brain Age. Now, if you’re dating a blonde girl and suddenly you’re in the mood for a redhead, well, try mentioning that to your girlfriend and see what happens.

Nintendo recently released the DS Lite. This Lite version is much more attractive and is easier to carry around than the original DS. Hmm… now if only I could find a girl who is more attractive and has less baggage.

The DS has a volume control on it. Yet, despite modern breakthroughs in medicine, technology, and psychiatry, mankind has yet to invent a volume control for women. In this respect, we’re no better off than the caveman was.

My DS has never asked me to change the channel so it can watch Oprah. Enough said.

If I’m in the mood for role-playing I can just snap a cartridge in to the DS and get started. The game system doesn’t judge me. Most women seem to get disgusted when I bring up the idea of role-playing. I mean, what’s so wrong about the Princess Leia slave girl outfit?

My DS is portable and can be carried around to hockey games, monster truck rallies, and seedy dive bars. Find me a girl who is willing to accompany me to all of those places, and I just might have a reason to put the video games down.

The DS is WiFi ready right out of the box. You can connect at any WiFi hotspot and challenge anyone around the globe with up to 16 players competing. It’s a great multiplayer system. When was the last time your girlfriend allowed you to play around with someone else?

When your DS has problems (like if you drop it down seven flights of stairs then keep it submerged in Kool-aid for over ten minutes) then you can always go out and purchase a new one for only $130. If your girlfriend has problems, then suddenly you have problems. You have to listen and be a part of every little insignificant bit of it. And no amount of money or therapy will make it go away.

Nintendo’s official DS slogan is “Touching is Good.” When was the last time a girl said that to you?

So I think you can see that I’m perfectly happy with my DS. It has brought so much joy in my life that I could not imagine a world without it. I think you can also see why I don’t have a girlfriend. After reading the above, who would want to go out with me? If you know of any girls that would, please send them my way.

Oh, and do yourself a favor, the next time your girlfriend hits “that time of the month,” lock yourself in a closet, down in the basement, in your neighbors house with a Nintendo DS. Trust me the DS will never have wild and crazy mood swings no matter what the lunar cycle is. Life with a DS is so much less complicated.