Does This Make Me Any Less of a Man?

I have always liked to think of myself of a manly man. I’m big, tall, strong, and physical. I play hockey on a regular basis and my facial hair grows out so much that if I shave at 8am, I have a beard by noon. I’ve been slapped by more women than I can remember (although whether that’s from sheer numbers or from the fact that I’m usually into my eighth glass of whiskey by then, I’m not entirely sure), yet I still know how to butter a lady up when she deserves it. I may lack any kind of metropolitan fashion sense, but I still look damn good in a suit or tux, if I do say so myself.

So why am I telling you all this? Well, I just want you to remember who I am and what I stand for. Because what I have to say here may just change your opinion of me, although I hope it doesn’t. I tell you all of this because this past weekend I journeyed to my local gaming store and bought a brand new game for my Nintendo DS on its release day. If you already know the game I’m talking about, then you, my friend, are a total nerd (then what does this say about me?). I am, of course, talking about the brand spanking new Pokemon Diamond.

Ok, feel free to laugh at me, get it all out of your system right now. I’m a 23 year old Pokemon fan, though I’m not exactly proud of it. I bought the original Pokemon Blue for the original Gameboy way back in high school after a friend recommended it for me. I had read reviews that said it was a dumbed down role-playing style game designed mainly for kids, yet more mature fans would enjoy it as well. And enjoy it I did. What can I say? I’m a sucker for RPGs.

Although I’m enjoying the new game immensely, I’ve logged almost 15 hours in since Sunday afternoon, there are a few parts of the game that I’m not entirely happy with. This is the first Pokemon game I’ve played since the first iteration in Red and Blue form. I’d just like to say for the record that I never owned Pokemon Snap for my N64. And yes, I feel it’s important to note that.

The game has changed somewhat since the original. Back in the Blue, I had it mastered. Out of a possible six active Pokemon, I carried a core of four that could handle almost anything my adversaries could throw at me. I especially coveted my “psychic” Pokemon since there were no moves in the game that were effective against it. That has changed, however. The chart of bonuses and penalties to attacks was changed to level the playing field for most Pokemon. And if there’s one thing I hate in battle, it’s a level playing field. I didn’t figure this out until after spending a large quantity of time trying to obtain a psychic Pokemon to bend to my whims in the new game. Now that I realize they aren’t as useful as they once were, I feel like I’ve wasted my time.

I’ve wasted my time playing a video game, what a surprise. And here I thought I was actually accomplishing something by playing a game based on the popular kids TV show. Next thing you’ll know I’ll end up feeling broke for the silly reason that I lost all my money gambling in Vegas (don’t worry about that though, I have no plans to go to Sin City any time soon). If you can’t tell that I was using sarcasm, then well… I was being sarcastic.

Truth be told, though, I would sorely love to have my own real live Pokemon. Who wouldn’t want a cute little fuzzy critter to love and play with? For me personally though, I’d want something that was as adorable as a puppy yet could still call down the fury of Zeus from the heavens and strike my enemies with a giant bolt of lightning. Hey, a guy like me has enemies, I have needs to be careful. Oh, and my Pokemon should also be small enough to fit into most briefcases or overhead storage bins for easy travel. Cute, deadly and convenient. Is that too much to ask for?

As it turns out, I won’t be getting a real death dealing Poke-creature any time soon. Nor will I be gaining any mutant superpowers either. The world is a cruel place sometimes. The universe rarely makes room to fulfill my desires, be they miniscule or grand. Heck, I can’t even get my hands and the ever elusive Cadbury Crème Egg these days. I guess asking for my own personal harem for Christmas might be a bit much this year. I wouldn’t need that many girls, just one for every day of the week… and possibly another one for the holidays, just to keep it interesting.

Putting my personal fantasies aside for a minute (I still haven’t given up hope on the harem just yet) I think it’s important to note how powerful the Pokemon franchise has become. With video games on the Gameboy, Gameboy Advance, Nintendo DS, Nintendo 64, and the Gamecube, innumerable television series, and a full ten movies. It is literally a multi-million dollar global franchise. And if there’s one thing I respect in this world, it’s money. It doesn’t matter to me if it comes from kiddy toys, illegal money laundering, or good old-fashioned, hard work (pronounced: “suckers”). But with fame and fortune comes a price.

Apparently the Christian faith has had some problems with the world of Pokemon. Some religious groups believe the cute creatures to be Satanic in origin. They think that Pokemon are similar to demons that are summoned to perform specific tasks. Also, the fact that Pokemon evolve into more powerful forms seems to negate the bible’s view on creationism. The biggest problem yet seems to come from the fact that some of the little critters use special powers, be they elemental or psychic or whatever, and that these powers are not derived from God. If that’s the case, then every superhero ever created is a blasphemy as well. Not that Nintendo cares. The religious groups can bitch all they want, but Pokemon are still bringing in millions of dollars every year. And as I said before, I respect that far more than I respect anything else.

It’s ok though, I think I’ve got Christianity covered on this one. Some of the devout may have nothing better to do with their time than to attack popular children’s franchises (let’s not forget Harry Potter), but I do believe that most are intelligent people. All Nintendo has to do is create a new Pokemon type and label it a “priest type.” The way I see it, the priest type would kick the crap out of the ghost and dark types. And as an added bonus, they could get a special power on Sundays called “Preach” that would make all the other Pokemon trainers feel guilty about their shortcomings and want to empty their wallets for the righteous Pokemon. You know, I think that would placate the Christians just fine. Well, so long as they don’t put an “alter boy” Pokemon in the game alongside the priest types. That just wouldn’t be cool.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a video game to get back to. I have a lot of work ahead of me before my Grotle morphs into a Torterra. Then I need to go beat up the nasty Team Galactic. And I should probably try to get another Gym Badge so my Kadabra doesn’t get all unruly with me when he levels up again. I don’t know why people think this whole Pokemon thing is so far out there. I mean, you understood everything I just said, right? Hell, I don’t even know what I just said and I’m the one playing the damn game. But you still think I’m a manly man right? …right?