Apparently I’m a Wuss

Why does my stomach hurt? It feels as if my abdominal muscles are clenched tightly in fear of some fantastical monster whose sole purpose is to rend the flesh of my midsection. You’ve probably had the same sort of sensation after completing 327 sit-ups in a row. So this feeling isn’t uniquely foreign. The problem is that I haven’t even come close to doing one sit-up let alone the extremely large prerequisite that normal people need to feel the burn on their muscles. Heck, I haven’t even done anything that is remotely similar to an abdominal workout. So why am I in pain?

Well, I did participate in a hockey tournament this past weekend. I played three games in two days, which is a lot of hockey in a 36 hour period. But I’m pretty sure ice skating uses your leg muscles, not the ones in my stomach. I could be wrong about that though. I know it’s hard to believe, but I have been wrong before, even though it was just that one time.

I’m beginning to think that maybe this is some sort of just punishment. To be honest, I deserve some kind of punishment. Let me explain: it was our second game of the weekend and regulation time had expired with our team in a dead 3-3 lock with our opponents. There was no overtime, just a three v. three shootout. And I was the lucky man chosen to shoot first. So there I was, puck in the center of the ice, staring down the goalie in his net. And, well, I can sum up my one on one attempt at the goalie with one word: vagina.

Say it with me now, “VAH-GINE-AH.” Needless to say, I mucked up real bad. Then a few minutes later, we lost, 1-0 in the shootout. Had I put my one shot in (which in all honesty, I should have been able to do) we very well may have won. And, that one loss (our only loss of the weekend) kept us out of the championship game. So yeah, I suck, and I deserve to be punished.

This appears to be a reoccurring theme for me. For the season I am two for twelve on breakaways. Seriously, the easiest way to score a goal is on a breakaway and I’m, for all intents and purposes, incapable of doing so. I have come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me. I mean, any idiot can score on a breakaway. And let’s be honest here, I’m a perfectly acceptable idiot. Apparently I’m more of a failure at being an idiot than most people are.

As you might already be able to tell, I don’t think I’m going to be joining the NHL any time soon. This is unfortunate since I had planned on spending the rest of my career playing professional hockey. Now that it seems I won’t be capable enough to go down this road, I’m going to have to come up with a back-up plan. Well, my back up plan was to win the lottery and that hasn’t happened yet either. So I need a back-up for the back-up plan.

I may have everything under control. Bowling. That’s right, I said bowling. People actually get paid to be professional bowlers. So I figure, why not me? It has to be the least demanding professional sport there is. I mean, golfers have to at least walk from hole to hole in the PGA. In the Professional Bowlers Association there’s no running, or lifting weights, or even specialty drills needed. All you have to do is throw a ball down a lane. Sounds simple enough.

Now I may not be the world’s best bowler, far from it actually, but I think this is one sport where I can persevere through the training. I mean, it’s the only sport I know of where you can drink beer and eat corn dogs while playing in a tournament. And honestly, I have to respect a sport like that. Bowling is the only activity I know of that actually encourages you to drink while you play. By now I really do hope you know how much I enjoy drinking a good beer.

There is one downside to the PBA though. It may be great for the sedentary lifestyle, but the money isn’t all that fantastic. Sure if you win two or three major events a year (which is very highly unlikely) you can pull down $200,000. But as I said, that’s not an easy task to accomplish. If you remember, the whole point of me becoming a professional bowler was to make easy cash and have a laid back lifestyle. In the end, bowling may just not have the capital I need to be a rich lazy bum. So then, what other options are available?

The perfect solution: I could become a punter in the NFL. Now I know punters don’t make near as much money as a real football player like a quarterback or running back or even an offensive lineman. That’s ok; I don’t think I need to make a million dollars every year. However, I do need to make at least $100,000 each year. And a punter easily makes that much.

Oh sure, place kickers make more money than punters do. I mean, just look at Adam Vinatieri and his near $3 million a year contract. It must be nice to be him. But then again, he’s the guy who always comes through in the clutch. Place kickers sit on the bench all game long and then are forced to come out at the end of the game and take one kick that will either win the game or lose it. That’s a lot of pressure. And to be honest, that sort of pressure is something I don’t need. Vinatieri can have it.

On the other hand, punters have no pressure. They don’t score any points and are never counted on to win games, ever. All they do is go out on the field, kick the ball (between 30 to 40 yards), and then return to the bench. Heck, they’re not even expected to make a tackle when they’re on the field. And why not? Punters are all skinny little white guys, how can you expect them to tackle a punt return specialist? Well, Devin Hester may only be 5’11” and 189lbs. but something tells me he’s not going to get tackled by a punter.

Punters don’t have to run or hit the weight room as much as the rest of the football team. They’re not even considered real football players. You know what, that’s perfectly fine with me. I’m not in it for the glory, I’m in it for the roughly $200,000 NFL minimum salary. Yes, even punters get paid big money in the National Football League. And in all honesty, punters do jack squat.

So that’s my ambition, to do jack squat and get paid ridiculously well for it. So far I’ve got the first part down. The second part is the laboriously tricky. Hopefully I’ll figure that out eventually. Oh, and in the mean time, if you know of any NFL teams that are looking for a new punter, I’m more than up to the task.