Why does my stomach hurt? It feels as if my abdominal muscles are clenched tightly in fear of some fantastical monster whose sole purpose is to rend the flesh of my midsection. You’ve probably had the same sort of sensation after completing 327 sit-ups in a row. So this feeling isn’t uniquely foreign. The problem is that I haven’t even come close to doing one sit-up let alone the extremely large prerequisite that normal people need to feel the burn on their muscles. Heck, I haven’t even done anything that is remotely similar to an abdominal workout. So why am I in pain?
Well, I did participate in a hockey tournament this past weekend. I played three games in two days, which is a lot of hockey in a 36 hour period. But I’m pretty sure ice skating uses your leg muscles, not the ones in my stomach. I could be wrong about that though. I know it’s hard to believe, but I have been wrong before, even though it was just that one time.
I’m beginning to think that maybe this is some sort of just punishment. To be honest, I deserve some kind of punishment. Let me explain: it was our second game of the weekend and regulation time had expired with our team in a dead 3-3 lock with our opponents. There was no overtime, just a three v. three shootout. And I was the lucky man chosen to shoot first. So there I was, puck in the center of the ice, staring down the goalie in his net. And, well, I can sum up my one on one attempt at the goalie with one word: vagina.
Say it with me now, “VAH-GINE-AH.” Needless to say, I mucked up real bad. Then a few minutes later, we lost, 1-0 in the shootout. Had I put my one shot in (which in all honesty, I should have been able to do) we very well may have won. And, that one loss (our only loss of the weekend) kept us out of the championship game. So yeah, I suck, and I deserve to be punished.
This appears to be a reoccurring theme for me. For the season I am two for twelve on breakaways. Seriously, the easiest way to score a goal is on a breakaway and I’m, for all intents and purposes, incapable of doing so. I have come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me. I mean, any idiot can score on a breakaway. And let’s be honest here, I’m a perfectly acceptable idiot. Apparently I’m more of a failure at being an idiot than most people are.
As you might already be able to tell, I don’t think I’m going to be joining the NHL any time soon. This is unfortunate since I had planned on spending the rest of my career playing professional hockey. Now that it seems I won’t be capable enough to go down this road, I’m going to have to come up with a back-up plan. Well, my back up plan was to win the lottery and that hasn’t happened yet either. So I need a back-up for the back-up plan.
I may have everything under control. Bowling. That’s right, I said bowling. People actually get paid to be professional bowlers. So I figure, why not me? It has to be the least demanding professional sport there is. I mean, golfers have to at least walk from hole to hole in the PGA. In the Professional Bowlers Association there’s no running, or lifting weights, or even specialty drills needed. All you have to do is throw a ball down a lane. Sounds simple enough.
Now I may not be the world’s best bowler, far from it actually, but I think this is one sport where I can persevere through the training. I mean, it’s the only sport I know of where you can drink beer and eat corn dogs while playing in a tournament. And honestly, I have to respect a sport like that. Bowling is the only activity I know of that actually encourages you to drink while you play. By now I really do hope you know how much I enjoy drinking a good beer.
There is one downside to the PBA though. It may be great for the sedentary lifestyle, but the money isn’t all that fantastic. Sure if you win two or three major events a year (which is very highly unlikely) you can pull down $200,000. But as I said, that’s not an easy task to accomplish. If you remember, the whole point of me becoming a professional bowler was to make easy cash and have a laid back lifestyle. In the end, bowling may just not have the capital I need to be a rich lazy bum. So then, what other options are available?
The perfect solution: I could become a punter in the NFL. Now I know punters don’t make near as much money as a real football player like a quarterback or running back or even an offensive lineman. That’s ok; I don’t think I need to make a million dollars every year. However, I do need to make at least $100,000 each year. And a punter easily makes that much.
Oh sure, place kickers make more money than punters do. I mean, just look at Adam Vinatieri and his near $3 million a year contract. It must be nice to be him. But then again, he’s the guy who always comes through in the clutch. Place kickers sit on the bench all game long and then are forced to come out at the end of the game and take one kick that will either win the game or lose it. That’s a lot of pressure. And to be honest, that sort of pressure is something I don’t need. Vinatieri can have it.
On the other hand, punters have no pressure. They don’t score any points and are never counted on to win games, ever. All they do is go out on the field, kick the ball (between 30 to 40 yards), and then return to the bench. Heck, they’re not even expected to make a tackle when they’re on the field. And why not? Punters are all skinny little white guys, how can you expect them to tackle a punt return specialist? Well, Devin Hester may only be 5’11” and 189lbs. but something tells me he’s not going to get tackled by a punter.
Punters don’t have to run or hit the weight room as much as the rest of the football team. They’re not even considered real football players. You know what, that’s perfectly fine with me. I’m not in it for the glory, I’m in it for the roughly $200,000 NFL minimum salary. Yes, even punters get paid big money in the National Football League. And in all honesty, punters do jack squat.
So that’s my ambition, to do jack squat and get paid ridiculously well for it. So far I’ve got the first part down. The second part is the laboriously tricky. Hopefully I’ll figure that out eventually. Oh, and in the mean time, if you know of any NFL teams that are looking for a new punter, I’m more than up to the task.
Showing posts with label hockey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hockey. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Maybe Life is Like a Ride on a Freeway
I’m driving down the interstate, rain is pouring down all around my car, the traffic has slowed to a 55 mph crawl (hey, for the interstate, that’s slow). I just finished playing Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden (which seemed appropriate at the time) and now I was listening to the final seconds of regulation for the UNC vs. Virginia Tech basketball game. Things were starting to get just a bit stressful.
Maybe I should explain better. After watching the Carolina Hurricanes win over the Los Angeles Kings, I had to drive back to my place in Chapel Hill. I was already hyped up from a very physical and close scoring hockey game, so my nerves were a bit on edge. The rain was pouring all around me making it very difficult to drive. I wanted to turn on my rear windshield wiper to clear up the view in my rear view mirror (yes, I drive a station wagon, feel free to laugh at my expense), but then I remembered that the back windshield wiper no longer works. It’s a safety feature. See, the button for the back windshield wiper is hard to locate on the dashboard so I would have to take my eyes off the road for a few seconds to find it. And taking your eyes off the road is just plain unsafe. I should thank my car’s manufacturer for designing my car to meet such rigorous safety standards.
The stress continues to pile up. The road conditions, listening to the boys in baby blue not quite finishing off the game the way they should, the two and a half beers I consumed during the hockey game… it all adds up. I should let it be known that being stressed out is a bad way to drive. Luckily for me, I’m a safe driver. I made it home in one piece and without incident. Unluckily for me, the UNC game went into overtime.
And, as you already should know, UNC lost it in overtime and were swept in both games this year by Virginia Tech. The boys in blue let me down. So that’s why I’m right here, on a Tuesday night, sitting in front of my computer, drinking beer and attempting to write in semi-proper English, which is not an altogether easy task, let me assure you. Ah, beer, you’re my one and only true friend.
Well, that isn’t entirely true. See, I didn’t exactly buy my tickets for tonight’s hockey game. A friend of mine was kind enough to give me a spare she had. It was pretty much a last minute thing, and it is nights like tonight that make me proud to have a near non-existent social life. Hey, if I wasn’t going to the hockey game in person, I would be watching the game on TV anyway. Luckily for me, Andrea was nice enough to take me to the game so I could watch it in person.
Being the nice guy that I am, and we all know how nice I am to women, I took Andrea out to dinner before the game. Hey, if she’s cool enough to take me to a hockey game, I can treat her to dinner. Let me recap for a second just for your benefit: I had dinner with an attractive girl and then she took me to a hockey game. This, my friends, is what we call a win-win situation. Well, not quite as good as winning the lottery then being named the sole heir to Hugh Hefner’s estate, but still, it’s pretty damn good. And Hugh, if you’re reading this, I still expect you to leave me the Playboy Mansion in your will.
So, that was my Tuesday. It was pretty eventful, all things considering. And today, Valentine’s Day, probably won’t be nearly has eventful. I won’t be having dinner with any beautiful women tonight, nor will I be watching any collegiate or professional sporting events. I usually boycott Valentine’s Day because well, as far as I’m concerned Valentine’s Day was invented by the De Beers family. You know the De Beers, they’re the people who basically have cornered the international diamond market. They’re the reason why you have to spend three month’s salary on a shiny, semi-ounce rock that otherwise has no rational value.
If you don’t believe my conspiracy theory about this love-sick holiday, then simply turn on your TV. If you don’t see at least two commercials for jewelry during every commercial break, then I’ll give you 100 carats worth of quarters (which is probably just one quarter… possibly two). But you know what, you really should go out and buy your loved one lots of presents. If you don’t spend a crap-ton of money on your favorite female, then it shows that you don’t love her (1 crap-ton = 100 short tons). Love is indubitably tied to gross materialism.
Don’t let the circuitous media fool you, love isn’t some all-prevailing romantic force. Simply put, love is money. Although, as a quick disclaimer, I feel the need to inform you that I was the guy who spent his entire college career trying to marry into money. Let me tell you, marrying a wealthy chick is a lot harder way to get rich quick than I thought. Seriously.
As far as I’m concerned though, love is money. In fact, I love money. Every night when I go to bed, I curl up with a 100 dollar bill and caress it as I fall asleep. It is my one, my only, my everything. Now if it would just hurry up produce a couple hundred more bills just like it, I’d be one happy and content man. The man who coined the term “money can’t buy happiness” most assuredly was poor. I know that I would be happy if I had one million dollars… actually, ten million, I’d be happy with ten million dollars. Well, you know what, we’d better make that an even 100 million dollars, just to be on the safe side. If I had 100 million dollars, I’d be one of the happiest men alive.
But unfortunately, I don’t have quite that much money right now. I don’t even have the Playboy Mansion either. Apparently, I don’t have much. What I do have is another three beers in the fridge that aren’t going to drink themselves. Hey, the Tar Heels lost today, I’m entitled to my booze. But hey, life could be a lot worse. I could be a Duke fan. What are they ranked again? Oh, that’s right, they’re not ranked. Sucks to be a Duke fan.
Maybe I should explain better. After watching the Carolina Hurricanes win over the Los Angeles Kings, I had to drive back to my place in Chapel Hill. I was already hyped up from a very physical and close scoring hockey game, so my nerves were a bit on edge. The rain was pouring all around me making it very difficult to drive. I wanted to turn on my rear windshield wiper to clear up the view in my rear view mirror (yes, I drive a station wagon, feel free to laugh at my expense), but then I remembered that the back windshield wiper no longer works. It’s a safety feature. See, the button for the back windshield wiper is hard to locate on the dashboard so I would have to take my eyes off the road for a few seconds to find it. And taking your eyes off the road is just plain unsafe. I should thank my car’s manufacturer for designing my car to meet such rigorous safety standards.
The stress continues to pile up. The road conditions, listening to the boys in baby blue not quite finishing off the game the way they should, the two and a half beers I consumed during the hockey game… it all adds up. I should let it be known that being stressed out is a bad way to drive. Luckily for me, I’m a safe driver. I made it home in one piece and without incident. Unluckily for me, the UNC game went into overtime.
And, as you already should know, UNC lost it in overtime and were swept in both games this year by Virginia Tech. The boys in blue let me down. So that’s why I’m right here, on a Tuesday night, sitting in front of my computer, drinking beer and attempting to write in semi-proper English, which is not an altogether easy task, let me assure you. Ah, beer, you’re my one and only true friend.
Well, that isn’t entirely true. See, I didn’t exactly buy my tickets for tonight’s hockey game. A friend of mine was kind enough to give me a spare she had. It was pretty much a last minute thing, and it is nights like tonight that make me proud to have a near non-existent social life. Hey, if I wasn’t going to the hockey game in person, I would be watching the game on TV anyway. Luckily for me, Andrea was nice enough to take me to the game so I could watch it in person.
Being the nice guy that I am, and we all know how nice I am to women, I took Andrea out to dinner before the game. Hey, if she’s cool enough to take me to a hockey game, I can treat her to dinner. Let me recap for a second just for your benefit: I had dinner with an attractive girl and then she took me to a hockey game. This, my friends, is what we call a win-win situation. Well, not quite as good as winning the lottery then being named the sole heir to Hugh Hefner’s estate, but still, it’s pretty damn good. And Hugh, if you’re reading this, I still expect you to leave me the Playboy Mansion in your will.
So, that was my Tuesday. It was pretty eventful, all things considering. And today, Valentine’s Day, probably won’t be nearly has eventful. I won’t be having dinner with any beautiful women tonight, nor will I be watching any collegiate or professional sporting events. I usually boycott Valentine’s Day because well, as far as I’m concerned Valentine’s Day was invented by the De Beers family. You know the De Beers, they’re the people who basically have cornered the international diamond market. They’re the reason why you have to spend three month’s salary on a shiny, semi-ounce rock that otherwise has no rational value.
If you don’t believe my conspiracy theory about this love-sick holiday, then simply turn on your TV. If you don’t see at least two commercials for jewelry during every commercial break, then I’ll give you 100 carats worth of quarters (which is probably just one quarter… possibly two). But you know what, you really should go out and buy your loved one lots of presents. If you don’t spend a crap-ton of money on your favorite female, then it shows that you don’t love her (1 crap-ton = 100 short tons). Love is indubitably tied to gross materialism.
Don’t let the circuitous media fool you, love isn’t some all-prevailing romantic force. Simply put, love is money. Although, as a quick disclaimer, I feel the need to inform you that I was the guy who spent his entire college career trying to marry into money. Let me tell you, marrying a wealthy chick is a lot harder way to get rich quick than I thought. Seriously.
As far as I’m concerned though, love is money. In fact, I love money. Every night when I go to bed, I curl up with a 100 dollar bill and caress it as I fall asleep. It is my one, my only, my everything. Now if it would just hurry up produce a couple hundred more bills just like it, I’d be one happy and content man. The man who coined the term “money can’t buy happiness” most assuredly was poor. I know that I would be happy if I had one million dollars… actually, ten million, I’d be happy with ten million dollars. Well, you know what, we’d better make that an even 100 million dollars, just to be on the safe side. If I had 100 million dollars, I’d be one of the happiest men alive.
But unfortunately, I don’t have quite that much money right now. I don’t even have the Playboy Mansion either. Apparently, I don’t have much. What I do have is another three beers in the fridge that aren’t going to drink themselves. Hey, the Tar Heels lost today, I’m entitled to my booze. But hey, life could be a lot worse. I could be a Duke fan. What are they ranked again? Oh, that’s right, they’re not ranked. Sucks to be a Duke fan.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
I’m Wasting My Time Again
It was not a good weekend. I’m not ashamed to admit (although maybe I should be) that I cried myself to sleep on both Saturday and Sunday night. And believe me, it was not a pretty sight. Over the course of those two days UNC basketball, the Carolina Hurricanes, and the Chicago Bears all lost. It was a sad, sad time.
And if you must know, I flexed my baking prowess once again this weekend. I made some White Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Cookies and some Spinach and Artichoke Dip. My friends that I watched the UNC basketball game with promptly made fun of me. That didn’t stop them from eating the cookies though. Apparently, they were delicious, which shouldn’t be surprised since I just plain don’t make crappy baked goods. But to add insult to, well, insult, the girls present also made fun of me for being capable in the kitchen. And they promised to buy me a nice pink and frilly apron. Luckily for me, I don’t wear the damned things. Aprons are for nancy-boys.
So yes, it was a bad weekend all round. But that can all be changed tonight. Tonight is the Raleigh Llamas sixth game of the season. For those of you who don’t know, the Raleigh Llamas is the beginners’ league team in the Raleigh Adult Hockey League which I happen have the pleasure of playing for. We currently boast a 1 - 4 record and lead the league in the fewest penalty minutes served. Hey, at least we lead the league in something.
Why the Raleigh Llamas? Well, because it vaguely sounds like the Dalai Lama. You know the guy, the spiritual and political leader of the Tibetan people. He personifies compassion, wisdom, and faithfulness. And this is exactly what our team is not. Last season our team captain was ejected from our final game (with only five seconds remaining on the clock) for arguing with a referee. If I learned one thing playing sports, it’s that you can never win an argument with a ref, especially when they don’t mind giving you a 10 minute game misconduct with only five seconds remaining in the entire season.
Tonight is a big game because we are playing the only team in the league that is ranked beneath us. This is a must win game. If we win, we move up into sixth place (out of eight teams). If we lose, we drop to eighth place. I can’t speak for the rest of my team, but I don’t exactly aspire to be last place team in the bottom beginners’ league. That’s just one of those things that makes me want to cry myself to sleep. And honestly, I’ve done more than enough of that lately.
I’m also excited for tonight since we will be getting our new uniforms. We’ve been wearing our old standard royal blue “Wings” uniforms for the beginning part of the season (we just recently changed our names to the Raleigh Llamas). It only took nearly three months to get our jerseys in. I mean, I can order a Carolina Hurricanes jersey online and have it here within two days. Waiting half a season for new team jerseys seems perfectly reasonable. Well, perfectly reasonable by 19th century standards anyway. Well if you want to take a look at the coolest damn hockey jerseys ever, just click on the Raleigh Llamas link over there in the links section.
So you all know I’m obsessed with hockey (well, I’m obsessed with sports in general, but I actually play hockey, so yeah, I’m even more obsessed with that), but there are plenty of other things I do in a given day that don’t revolve around the sports world. In fact, I have so much to do, it’s a wonder I ever get anything done in one particular day. I’d like to think of myself as an expert when it comes to time management. Or more accurately, time-waste management.
If there is one thing I’m good at, it’s finding applicable ways to waste time. It’s kind of a super power I have. Well, no, I wouldn’t say it’s a super power. Pissing off women is my true super power; wasting time is just a slightly more than mild-mannered hobby. But it’s a hobby I take very seriously. Take today for instance: I went out of my way to drop by EB Games so I could pick up a copy of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. It’s a courtroom drama type game for the Nintendo DS that I have heard very good things about. But seeing as how I have a backlog of games I have yet to finish, there was pretty much no reason to pick this game up.
So why’d I go out of my way to buy it? Well, I haven’t bought a video game for myself since before Christmas. It’s been almost two months now, and that’s a long time for a video game junkie to go without buying something. What can I say, I need my fix. Luckily I do have a fragment of self restraint. The game has remained unopened, lying on my coffee table for most of the afternoon. Let me assure you, if I had opened the game, I would never have found the time to write this article. As far as I’m concerned, that means I’ve been productive today.
Besides video games, there are plenty of other useful wastes of time for you to engage in. Watching TV, shopping, or even listening to music are all the usual mundane time killers. But that’s old school. This is the 21st century. We have all new ways to take up your meaningless time. The internet itself is a huge tool designed just for this purpose. You can get online and chat away with friends over your favorite instant messaging software, or you can read some of the many web-published comics or you can even read some blogs. If you’re really inclined, you could read the entire backlog of my own blogs. But really, if you have that much free time on your hands, you’d be better off doing something more exciting. Like getting your nails done.
Of course, you can always get on Myspace. Plenty of people use it as their preferred waste of time from any other online site. I must confess, I too have a Myspace account, although I really can’t understand why, I barely use the thing. If you may recall, I’m not exactly fond of the mass majority of humanity. They have a tendency to annoy me. Just to humor you, let’s just check out what I have waiting for me today on my Myspace account. In the messages folder I have “Meet Horny Myspace Singles” and “Meet Hot Myspace Singles” and “10000 Dollar Scholarships.” Yes, thank you for restoring my faith in humanity Myspace.
Well, I’ve probably wasted enough of your time already. I would prefer to waste more, but really, I have an unopened video game laying on my coffee table and a hockey game at 9pm. I have so much to do that I sometimes think my life is just too stressful. Usually when that happens, I open another bottle of bourbon. Alcohol: the ultimate waste of your time.
And if you must know, I flexed my baking prowess once again this weekend. I made some White Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Cookies and some Spinach and Artichoke Dip. My friends that I watched the UNC basketball game with promptly made fun of me. That didn’t stop them from eating the cookies though. Apparently, they were delicious, which shouldn’t be surprised since I just plain don’t make crappy baked goods. But to add insult to, well, insult, the girls present also made fun of me for being capable in the kitchen. And they promised to buy me a nice pink and frilly apron. Luckily for me, I don’t wear the damned things. Aprons are for nancy-boys.
So yes, it was a bad weekend all round. But that can all be changed tonight. Tonight is the Raleigh Llamas sixth game of the season. For those of you who don’t know, the Raleigh Llamas is the beginners’ league team in the Raleigh Adult Hockey League which I happen have the pleasure of playing for. We currently boast a 1 - 4 record and lead the league in the fewest penalty minutes served. Hey, at least we lead the league in something.
Why the Raleigh Llamas? Well, because it vaguely sounds like the Dalai Lama. You know the guy, the spiritual and political leader of the Tibetan people. He personifies compassion, wisdom, and faithfulness. And this is exactly what our team is not. Last season our team captain was ejected from our final game (with only five seconds remaining on the clock) for arguing with a referee. If I learned one thing playing sports, it’s that you can never win an argument with a ref, especially when they don’t mind giving you a 10 minute game misconduct with only five seconds remaining in the entire season.
Tonight is a big game because we are playing the only team in the league that is ranked beneath us. This is a must win game. If we win, we move up into sixth place (out of eight teams). If we lose, we drop to eighth place. I can’t speak for the rest of my team, but I don’t exactly aspire to be last place team in the bottom beginners’ league. That’s just one of those things that makes me want to cry myself to sleep. And honestly, I’ve done more than enough of that lately.
I’m also excited for tonight since we will be getting our new uniforms. We’ve been wearing our old standard royal blue “Wings” uniforms for the beginning part of the season (we just recently changed our names to the Raleigh Llamas). It only took nearly three months to get our jerseys in. I mean, I can order a Carolina Hurricanes jersey online and have it here within two days. Waiting half a season for new team jerseys seems perfectly reasonable. Well, perfectly reasonable by 19th century standards anyway. Well if you want to take a look at the coolest damn hockey jerseys ever, just click on the Raleigh Llamas link over there in the links section.
So you all know I’m obsessed with hockey (well, I’m obsessed with sports in general, but I actually play hockey, so yeah, I’m even more obsessed with that), but there are plenty of other things I do in a given day that don’t revolve around the sports world. In fact, I have so much to do, it’s a wonder I ever get anything done in one particular day. I’d like to think of myself as an expert when it comes to time management. Or more accurately, time-waste management.
If there is one thing I’m good at, it’s finding applicable ways to waste time. It’s kind of a super power I have. Well, no, I wouldn’t say it’s a super power. Pissing off women is my true super power; wasting time is just a slightly more than mild-mannered hobby. But it’s a hobby I take very seriously. Take today for instance: I went out of my way to drop by EB Games so I could pick up a copy of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. It’s a courtroom drama type game for the Nintendo DS that I have heard very good things about. But seeing as how I have a backlog of games I have yet to finish, there was pretty much no reason to pick this game up.
So why’d I go out of my way to buy it? Well, I haven’t bought a video game for myself since before Christmas. It’s been almost two months now, and that’s a long time for a video game junkie to go without buying something. What can I say, I need my fix. Luckily I do have a fragment of self restraint. The game has remained unopened, lying on my coffee table for most of the afternoon. Let me assure you, if I had opened the game, I would never have found the time to write this article. As far as I’m concerned, that means I’ve been productive today.
Besides video games, there are plenty of other useful wastes of time for you to engage in. Watching TV, shopping, or even listening to music are all the usual mundane time killers. But that’s old school. This is the 21st century. We have all new ways to take up your meaningless time. The internet itself is a huge tool designed just for this purpose. You can get online and chat away with friends over your favorite instant messaging software, or you can read some of the many web-published comics or you can even read some blogs. If you’re really inclined, you could read the entire backlog of my own blogs. But really, if you have that much free time on your hands, you’d be better off doing something more exciting. Like getting your nails done.
Of course, you can always get on Myspace. Plenty of people use it as their preferred waste of time from any other online site. I must confess, I too have a Myspace account, although I really can’t understand why, I barely use the thing. If you may recall, I’m not exactly fond of the mass majority of humanity. They have a tendency to annoy me. Just to humor you, let’s just check out what I have waiting for me today on my Myspace account. In the messages folder I have “Meet Horny Myspace Singles” and “Meet Hot Myspace Singles” and “10000 Dollar Scholarships.” Yes, thank you for restoring my faith in humanity Myspace.
Well, I’ve probably wasted enough of your time already. I would prefer to waste more, but really, I have an unopened video game laying on my coffee table and a hockey game at 9pm. I have so much to do that I sometimes think my life is just too stressful. Usually when that happens, I open another bottle of bourbon. Alcohol: the ultimate waste of your time.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Hell's Broke Loose and the Devil Deals it Hard
I blame my current condition on my friend’s bunny rabbit. See, last week I was over at his place and at the time, I was perfectly healthy. His wife however, was not. They both believe she got sick from their pet bunny, who had to go to the vet the preceding week. So, when I ended up getting sick, I drew up a little diagram to see if I had the origins of this virus correct. I’ll share it with you here:
Bunny --> My Friend --> His Wife --> Me
Yep, as you can see, with this evidence, it is without a doubt, that damned bunny’s fault that I am currently sick. So what am I going to do now? Nothing, that’s what. I’m going to lie in my bed, play my Nintendo DS, and blow my nose about 600 times every minute, just waiting and praying for the sickness to pass.
You’re probably wondering why I’m not trying to enact my revenge on the bunny for so obviously infecting me with this virus. Hey, come on, he’s a bunny . That’s just… that’s just mean. Why would you want to hurt a poor defenseless rabbit? There is absolutely no reason for me to do so. Well, next time I see the critter, I’ll probably poke it in its side a few times, maybe even give it a drop kick or two. But really, that’s pretty standard fair. Going anything beyond that is just not cool.
There is some sort of bug going around. Lots of people are getting sick, which is odd for the summertime, usually this doesn’t happen until winter. I think I heard someone say it was the work of the devil. You know, evil spirits and all that. Well, I can tell you with authority that it certainly isn’t the work of the devil. I actually talked to him a few days ago.
I assure you, I had a perfectly good reason for wanting to talk to the devil. As you may or may not know, the Stanley Cup Finals went to a game seven, which was this past Monday night. Over the weekend, I was desperately trying to find a ticket, without paying a crap-ton of cash (1 crap-ton = 100 regular tons), seeing as how I live about 20 minutes away from Raleigh where game seven was to be played (Carolina Hurricanes vs. Edmonton Oilers).
So I did what any other self-respecting man would do in my situation. I called up Satan and offered to sell my soul for some tickets. But I wanted some damn good tickets. I wanted two seats, next to the ice on the blue line. I figured, my soul may be immortal, but how often is Carolina going to win a Stanley Cup? They used to be known as the Hartford Whalers, after all (don’t worry if you’ve never heard of them before, the vast majority of humanity hasn’t, and that’s pretty much the point).
So, Satan took a look at what I wanted, and then came back with a counter offer. He agreed to give me two tickets for my soul. Unfortunately, these tickets were for ice-dancing! And the seats weren’t what I asked for either. I think he had me watching from a seat that was on top of the jumbotron. I have no idea how he got a seat put on top of the jumbotron, but hey, he’s Satan, that’s kind of his thing.
Obviously, I refused that offer. My immortal and everlasting soul may not be worth much, but it has definitely got to be worth more than some lousy seats for watching ice dancing. And the whole point was to watch the Carolina Hurricanes win Lord Stanley’s Cup. So, we were back to square one. Satan, being the busy fallen angel that he is, had to leave. I think he had a previous engagement with some of those Hollywood types. But he did promise to keep in touch with me about a possible arrangement.
Of course, I didn’t take the Prince of Darkness at his word. I mean, when a girl tells me she’ll call, she never does, so why should Lucifer be any better? But, as it turns out, he kept true to his word. Well, technically he did. On Sunday afternoon I got an email from one satan01@7thlayerofhell.com. Obviously, I figured it was one of those spammers trying to sell me Viagra or something. I’m 23 years old, jeeze. Call me back in about 20-30 years then we’ll talk. But as it turned out, it was an email from my business partner to be, Satan.
I opened up the email and was actually quite surprised. I didn’t expect to get a fair deal out of the guy, but he really was getting low and dirty. The email wanted me to send him my full name, Social Security Number, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, at least 2 credit card numbers (with expiration dates), and a complete set of dental records and then he might be able to do something for me. Like I said, low and dirty. He can’t even promise I’ll get what I want, only to see that it later somehow has extremely adverse effects on me and everyone I love forcing me to later lament my fated decision.
In the olden days, Satan used to corrupt mankind, steal our souls, and wreak havoc and destruction. Now, he’s just into identity theft. I think the Dark Prince has gotten very lazy. But then again, I can’t help but think he’s newest scheme is much more evil than his previous endeavors. Evil has many faces and many forms, you have to be careful.
Needless to say, I didn’t fill out Lucifer’s little questionnaire. I mean, if he’s not going to give me some hockey tickets in exchange for my soul, then I’m taking my business elsewhere. Unfortunately, Satan is the only guy around who trades favors for people’s souls. And he’s not even doing a whole lot of that lately. It seems ever since that whole Enron thing, people have just been giving their souls away for free. The Dark Prince throws a couple of stock options in the air, and he gets another dozen or so souls. So I think you can see why he wasn’t too anxious to give up some valuable tickets.
So I was here, at my own apartment, watching the hockey game on my little TV screen, sitting next to two trash bags full of used Kleenex. Being sick sucks. Not being able to go to the hockey game sucks worse. But watching the Carolina Hurricanes bring home the Stanley Cup for the first time in franchise history was pretty cool. Maybe next time they win the cup I’ll be there, front and center watching it all. Hey, it only took them 27 years to get their first Cup, it can’t be that much longer for the second.
Bunny --> My Friend --> His Wife --> Me
Yep, as you can see, with this evidence, it is without a doubt, that damned bunny’s fault that I am currently sick. So what am I going to do now? Nothing, that’s what. I’m going to lie in my bed, play my Nintendo DS, and blow my nose about 600 times every minute, just waiting and praying for the sickness to pass.
You’re probably wondering why I’m not trying to enact my revenge on the bunny for so obviously infecting me with this virus. Hey, come on, he’s a bunny . That’s just… that’s just mean. Why would you want to hurt a poor defenseless rabbit? There is absolutely no reason for me to do so. Well, next time I see the critter, I’ll probably poke it in its side a few times, maybe even give it a drop kick or two. But really, that’s pretty standard fair. Going anything beyond that is just not cool.
There is some sort of bug going around. Lots of people are getting sick, which is odd for the summertime, usually this doesn’t happen until winter. I think I heard someone say it was the work of the devil. You know, evil spirits and all that. Well, I can tell you with authority that it certainly isn’t the work of the devil. I actually talked to him a few days ago.
I assure you, I had a perfectly good reason for wanting to talk to the devil. As you may or may not know, the Stanley Cup Finals went to a game seven, which was this past Monday night. Over the weekend, I was desperately trying to find a ticket, without paying a crap-ton of cash (1 crap-ton = 100 regular tons), seeing as how I live about 20 minutes away from Raleigh where game seven was to be played (Carolina Hurricanes vs. Edmonton Oilers).
So I did what any other self-respecting man would do in my situation. I called up Satan and offered to sell my soul for some tickets. But I wanted some damn good tickets. I wanted two seats, next to the ice on the blue line. I figured, my soul may be immortal, but how often is Carolina going to win a Stanley Cup? They used to be known as the Hartford Whalers, after all (don’t worry if you’ve never heard of them before, the vast majority of humanity hasn’t, and that’s pretty much the point).
So, Satan took a look at what I wanted, and then came back with a counter offer. He agreed to give me two tickets for my soul. Unfortunately, these tickets were for ice-dancing! And the seats weren’t what I asked for either. I think he had me watching from a seat that was on top of the jumbotron. I have no idea how he got a seat put on top of the jumbotron, but hey, he’s Satan, that’s kind of his thing.
Obviously, I refused that offer. My immortal and everlasting soul may not be worth much, but it has definitely got to be worth more than some lousy seats for watching ice dancing. And the whole point was to watch the Carolina Hurricanes win Lord Stanley’s Cup. So, we were back to square one. Satan, being the busy fallen angel that he is, had to leave. I think he had a previous engagement with some of those Hollywood types. But he did promise to keep in touch with me about a possible arrangement.
Of course, I didn’t take the Prince of Darkness at his word. I mean, when a girl tells me she’ll call, she never does, so why should Lucifer be any better? But, as it turns out, he kept true to his word. Well, technically he did. On Sunday afternoon I got an email from one satan01@7thlayerofhell.com. Obviously, I figured it was one of those spammers trying to sell me Viagra or something. I’m 23 years old, jeeze. Call me back in about 20-30 years then we’ll talk. But as it turned out, it was an email from my business partner to be, Satan.
I opened up the email and was actually quite surprised. I didn’t expect to get a fair deal out of the guy, but he really was getting low and dirty. The email wanted me to send him my full name, Social Security Number, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, at least 2 credit card numbers (with expiration dates), and a complete set of dental records and then he might be able to do something for me. Like I said, low and dirty. He can’t even promise I’ll get what I want, only to see that it later somehow has extremely adverse effects on me and everyone I love forcing me to later lament my fated decision.
In the olden days, Satan used to corrupt mankind, steal our souls, and wreak havoc and destruction. Now, he’s just into identity theft. I think the Dark Prince has gotten very lazy. But then again, I can’t help but think he’s newest scheme is much more evil than his previous endeavors. Evil has many faces and many forms, you have to be careful.
Needless to say, I didn’t fill out Lucifer’s little questionnaire. I mean, if he’s not going to give me some hockey tickets in exchange for my soul, then I’m taking my business elsewhere. Unfortunately, Satan is the only guy around who trades favors for people’s souls. And he’s not even doing a whole lot of that lately. It seems ever since that whole Enron thing, people have just been giving their souls away for free. The Dark Prince throws a couple of stock options in the air, and he gets another dozen or so souls. So I think you can see why he wasn’t too anxious to give up some valuable tickets.
So I was here, at my own apartment, watching the hockey game on my little TV screen, sitting next to two trash bags full of used Kleenex. Being sick sucks. Not being able to go to the hockey game sucks worse. But watching the Carolina Hurricanes bring home the Stanley Cup for the first time in franchise history was pretty cool. Maybe next time they win the cup I’ll be there, front and center watching it all. Hey, it only took them 27 years to get their first Cup, it can’t be that much longer for the second.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Lord Stanley Rocks My World
God I love hockey! This year, the Carolina Hurricanes are in the Stanley Cup Finals! I don’t know how I lived without hockey last year. The league taking a year off last year did not sit well with me. But now hockey is back, and it’s here to stay. Just so you know how much I love hockey, consider the fact that I would be willing to pass up sex with a supermodel just for a ticket to the Stanley Cup Finals. Wait a minute... did I really just say that?
For those of you who don’t follow hockey much, let me give you a brief synopsis of what happened and why there was a one year lockout in the NHL. First, the players were getting paid way too much, and that’s the players and the owners’ faults. If you look at the salaries in the NHL, it won’t seem that out of place. But you have to remember, hockey doesn’t pull in as much money as the big three (NBA, NFL, and MLB), so there’s less money to go around for these big time contracts.
To make it simple: players wanted more money, but the owners wanted to pay them less. They whined and complained like six year olds for a whole year about it. No one seemed to care that at the rate the players were getting paid, the owners wouldn’t be able to afford to fly them across country for a game. And that is not good. In fact, it’s rather bad. If Carolina cannot afford to fly to Edmonton to play, then I don’t have anything to watch on TV. And that, my friend, is a travesty. And that’s why we have a salary cap today in the NHL.
Now let’s figure out why, after a whole year of vehemently opposing a salary cap, the players union agreed to it. Well, it has to do with making money. See, professional athletes tend to buy expensive cars, live in really big houses, and typically spend a lot of money. This is because they have a lot of money to spend. Now suddenly, they don’t play for a year, and they don’t have any more money. The fancy cars are gone and it’s hard to pay the mortgage bill on the palatial estate. I mean, wouldn’t you be willing to take a small cut in pay if you were still making over a million dollars a year?
Now we have a lot of rule changes in the “new” NHL. Once again, I don’t want you non-hockey fans to get bogged down here, so I will simplify. The best change they made was eliminating the two line pass rule. Simply put, the rule stated: “You may not pass the puck up the ice to another player. You may pass it sideways, or backwards. But under no circumstances are you allowed to pass the puck forwards to another player on your team.” Ok, so maybe that isn’t a direct quote, but it’s close enough. The two line pass rule sucked.
The worst rule change, however, is the trapezoid rule. Basically, there’s this trapezoid shape behind the net that the goalie is allowed to play the puck in, but he is very limited on where he can play the puck outside that area. Now, there’s a very good reason to have this rule in there, the goalie is so protected in hockey that if you were to give him the middle finger in the middle of the game, the ref would throw you into the penalty box for two minutes. Luckily, it’s near impossible to “flip the bird” while wearing hockey gloves. Trust me, I’ve tried. Now, my problem with this new rule is that it’s a trapezoid. I mean, why would you want to put a trapezoid on any playing surface? It just doesn’t make sense. Even saying the word out loud makes me feel funny. I guess if they really wanted to put a trapezoid in cricket they could, because really, who cares about cricket?
The rule changes have had their desired effect this year. Scoring has gone up as the pace of the game has quickened. One interesting side effect in the faster skating NHL has been the checking. Think about it, the faster someone is skating, the harder they fall when they get hit. So now the open ice hits are getting more frequent, and getting much more devastating. And all I have to say about this is: Hell yeah! Watching someone getting forced into a back flip on skates and then falling to the ice in a crumpled lump of pain and sorrow is one of the most exciting things to watch, ever.
Although the league coming back this year has seen some positive results with the higher scores, more exciting hits, and Carolina making it to the finals, there have been some drawbacks. ESPN and network television has almost completely shunned the NHL. Even during the playoffs I think only one game (that I know of) was on network TV. The majority of games have been on the Outdoor Life Network (OLN) with some on Fox Sports Net as well.
Honestly, I don’t have a problem with OLN. I get the channel with my current cable package and their commentators are pretty decent, so I’m pretty happy. But the commercials that are on during the breaks are a little bit… (what’s the word I’m looking for?) …out of the ordinary for sports games. You have your usual mass merchandising commercials with annoying cell phone personas and whatnot on there. But then there are the ads for all terrain vehicles, tractor supplies, hunting gear, and who knows what else. Well, it is the network for outdoor life.
But it has got me thinking. I don’t actually own a hunting gun. I have absolutely no need for one since I don’t go hunting. But what if I’m really hungry and the grocery store is closed? Wouldn’t I need a hunting rifle to go bag some nearby game? Although I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more than squirrels and the occasional opossum in my neighborhood, but that’s enough meat for one meal. At least I could make a rodent soup, right? Well, I think there might be some deer nearby... See this is why you shouldn’t show me pictures of high powered weaponry while I’m drinking and very excited. It just will end up badly.
Well, besides the small chance of me discharging a high powered rifle in a heavy populated area, I think OLN is doing a pretty good job. The NHL is doing a good job too. If you aren’t big on watching professional hockey, now would be a good time to check it out. The game tonight (Wednesday) is on at 8pm eastern time. If it’s even half as exciting as the first game, it’ll be well worth the watch. And we’ll get to see if Edmonton’s back-up goalie can make up for his big time screwball mistake which completely lost the game for his team in game one. Wow, sucks to be him.
For those of you who don’t follow hockey much, let me give you a brief synopsis of what happened and why there was a one year lockout in the NHL. First, the players were getting paid way too much, and that’s the players and the owners’ faults. If you look at the salaries in the NHL, it won’t seem that out of place. But you have to remember, hockey doesn’t pull in as much money as the big three (NBA, NFL, and MLB), so there’s less money to go around for these big time contracts.
To make it simple: players wanted more money, but the owners wanted to pay them less. They whined and complained like six year olds for a whole year about it. No one seemed to care that at the rate the players were getting paid, the owners wouldn’t be able to afford to fly them across country for a game. And that is not good. In fact, it’s rather bad. If Carolina cannot afford to fly to Edmonton to play, then I don’t have anything to watch on TV. And that, my friend, is a travesty. And that’s why we have a salary cap today in the NHL.
Now let’s figure out why, after a whole year of vehemently opposing a salary cap, the players union agreed to it. Well, it has to do with making money. See, professional athletes tend to buy expensive cars, live in really big houses, and typically spend a lot of money. This is because they have a lot of money to spend. Now suddenly, they don’t play for a year, and they don’t have any more money. The fancy cars are gone and it’s hard to pay the mortgage bill on the palatial estate. I mean, wouldn’t you be willing to take a small cut in pay if you were still making over a million dollars a year?
Now we have a lot of rule changes in the “new” NHL. Once again, I don’t want you non-hockey fans to get bogged down here, so I will simplify. The best change they made was eliminating the two line pass rule. Simply put, the rule stated: “You may not pass the puck up the ice to another player. You may pass it sideways, or backwards. But under no circumstances are you allowed to pass the puck forwards to another player on your team.” Ok, so maybe that isn’t a direct quote, but it’s close enough. The two line pass rule sucked.
The worst rule change, however, is the trapezoid rule. Basically, there’s this trapezoid shape behind the net that the goalie is allowed to play the puck in, but he is very limited on where he can play the puck outside that area. Now, there’s a very good reason to have this rule in there, the goalie is so protected in hockey that if you were to give him the middle finger in the middle of the game, the ref would throw you into the penalty box for two minutes. Luckily, it’s near impossible to “flip the bird” while wearing hockey gloves. Trust me, I’ve tried. Now, my problem with this new rule is that it’s a trapezoid. I mean, why would you want to put a trapezoid on any playing surface? It just doesn’t make sense. Even saying the word out loud makes me feel funny. I guess if they really wanted to put a trapezoid in cricket they could, because really, who cares about cricket?
The rule changes have had their desired effect this year. Scoring has gone up as the pace of the game has quickened. One interesting side effect in the faster skating NHL has been the checking. Think about it, the faster someone is skating, the harder they fall when they get hit. So now the open ice hits are getting more frequent, and getting much more devastating. And all I have to say about this is: Hell yeah! Watching someone getting forced into a back flip on skates and then falling to the ice in a crumpled lump of pain and sorrow is one of the most exciting things to watch, ever.
Although the league coming back this year has seen some positive results with the higher scores, more exciting hits, and Carolina making it to the finals, there have been some drawbacks. ESPN and network television has almost completely shunned the NHL. Even during the playoffs I think only one game (that I know of) was on network TV. The majority of games have been on the Outdoor Life Network (OLN) with some on Fox Sports Net as well.
Honestly, I don’t have a problem with OLN. I get the channel with my current cable package and their commentators are pretty decent, so I’m pretty happy. But the commercials that are on during the breaks are a little bit… (what’s the word I’m looking for?) …out of the ordinary for sports games. You have your usual mass merchandising commercials with annoying cell phone personas and whatnot on there. But then there are the ads for all terrain vehicles, tractor supplies, hunting gear, and who knows what else. Well, it is the network for outdoor life.
But it has got me thinking. I don’t actually own a hunting gun. I have absolutely no need for one since I don’t go hunting. But what if I’m really hungry and the grocery store is closed? Wouldn’t I need a hunting rifle to go bag some nearby game? Although I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more than squirrels and the occasional opossum in my neighborhood, but that’s enough meat for one meal. At least I could make a rodent soup, right? Well, I think there might be some deer nearby... See this is why you shouldn’t show me pictures of high powered weaponry while I’m drinking and very excited. It just will end up badly.
Well, besides the small chance of me discharging a high powered rifle in a heavy populated area, I think OLN is doing a pretty good job. The NHL is doing a good job too. If you aren’t big on watching professional hockey, now would be a good time to check it out. The game tonight (Wednesday) is on at 8pm eastern time. If it’s even half as exciting as the first game, it’ll be well worth the watch. And we’ll get to see if Edmonton’s back-up goalie can make up for his big time screwball mistake which completely lost the game for his team in game one. Wow, sucks to be him.
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