I’m Such a Wreck, I’m Such a Mess

I am I horrible, horrible person. But hopefully you already knew that. I’ve been a lazy good for nothing slouch for the past week, and I missed putting up something new last Wednesday. But hey, I have a really good reason for being lazy. I was pretty busy last week. Well, busy for a person who most likely resembles the three-toed sloth rather than a common homo-sapiens.

Last Tuesday I wound up at a friends place playing poker and having a few drinks. Now, if you’ve ever gambled before then you might already know that drinking and betting money is a really bad idea. Trust me, I’ve lost plenty of money that way. Luckily I’m the kind of guy who learns from his mistakes. This time around I only had one drink. And then I still lost all my money. In all honestly, I had a feeling it was all going to end badly. The very first hand I played I folded, but had I stayed in I would have had a full house (twos over threes). So yeah, it was pretty much all down hill after that. Suffice it to say that you won’t be seeing me on the World Series of Poker any time soon.

After playing poker, a few of us ended up heading out to Waffle House for some late night food. And I use the word “food” very loosely here. I’m pretty sure everything on the Waffle House’s menu is comprised mainly of lard fried in bacon grease. And it’s just the most scrumptious cuisine you would ever want to partake in. As far as I’m concerned, it beats the pants off of IHOP. Seriously, if you don’t live in the South, you’re missing out. I mean, White Castle is good and all, but do they stay open 24 hours a day? I think not.

Unfortunately, I was carpooling with one of the other guys, and after getting out of Waffle House in the wee early hours of Wednesday morning, we were actually much closer to his place than to mine. So, I ended up crashing at his place that night (for a grand total of four hours of sleep) and he drove me back home bright and early in the morning. So I left my apartment around 10:30pm Tuesday night and didn’t return until almost 9:30am Wednesday morning. As you may have noticed, I’m a bad, bad boy (and on a school night!).

Honestly, that would normally be ok. The only real thing I have to worry about on Wednesdays is getting to my hockey game at night. Playing hockey is truly the highlight of my week, and I look forward to it each and every time. But, well, this time I kind of screwed up. And by “kind of,” I mean I really and truly did screw up. I did mention that I’m a horrible person, didn’t I?

For some strange reason, I thought that our game was at 10:30pm that night, when in reality it was at 9pm. These are the only two times that we play, so I had an actualized 50% chance to get it right. And if you didn’t already figure things out from my poker playing ability (or lack thereof) my luck wasn’t all that great this past week. Fortunately, I did check the schedule at the last second (although why I never checked earlier in the day baffles me to no end), which put on the ice ten minutes into the first period, with my team already down two goals.

Needless to say, we ended up losing that game. I still say that if I was there from the start we would have won. I mean, I’m allowed to keep my delusions, right? I’m pretty sure there’s no way you can prove me wrong on this, so I’m going to go ahead and keep being delusional. I think I’ve earned it.

Now we’re on to Thursday. Thursday night was windy, pouring down rain, and generally not a nice night to be outside. And for some strange reason I thought it’d be a good idea to go out and run in that kind of weather. For the record, I am not a masochist. I’m merely an idiot.

Well, see, I have been trying to convince myself to get in better shape for over two months now. I had finally worked up the courage to go running, so I went out despite the weather. Hey, that kind of willpower doesn’t come to me very often, so I have to use it when I get it. I might be inclined to think my willpower needs better timing though. Luckily, I got through a whole three miles without too much of a problem. I guess playing hockey every week has helped out more than I thought.

But then I woke up the next morning. And for some reason, my legs no longer worked. The legs were sore and completely unresponsive. My every attempt to get out of bed was met with utter rebellion by the lower half of my body. Let me tell you, this was a huge problem. It was early in the morning, and I desperately needed to use the restroom. Interestingly enough, there’s a window right next to my bed. After several moments though (and trust me, I did think about it), I finally convinced the legs to get in gear and get moving. I fell down three times during the 13 foot trip to my bathroom. All in all, I would call that a success.

Friday was boring, I’ll admit it, so we can skip that. Saturday on the other hand, that was something else. A good friend of mine turned 21 this past Saturday. And, like the awesome pal that I am, I accompanied her to Thee Doll House, an upper class strip club in Raleigh. Yes, that’s right, my friend is a female. It is possible for me to hang out with women and not anger them. Well, it’s possible for me to sometimes hang out with women without pissing them off. And for the record, the birthday girl’s name is Whitney. And also for the record, going to Thee Doll House was her idea, not mine.

So, I’m having a drink, watching a fight on the big screen TV, and watching topless girls dancing while sitting next to a newly 21 year old female. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday night. I’d just like to say that I didn’t get a chance to buy Whitney a lap dance, her boyfriend bought her plenty of them. Heck, she even bought herself a few (she was really enjoying herself). I’d also like to say that I didn’t buy myself a lap dance. It’s not my prerogative to spend a bunch of money on a simple tease. Whitney, on the other hand, definitely bought me a lap dance. And yes, it was enjoyable. Very enjoyable.

At the end of the night I went home to be by myself. Number one, it was late. Number two, I’m not going home with a stripper. And number three, I needed a cold shower.

So, what have we learned here today? I’m a horrible, bad person, but I’m sure you already knew that. I’m also very lazy, but again, I’m convinced you could have figured that out on your own. I love playing hockey, a fact which is also widely known. And lastly, I have a female friend that drags me to a strip club on her birthday and then buys me a lap dance to make sure I’m having fun. Translation: my life rocks.

I’m Wasting My Time Again

It was not a good weekend. I’m not ashamed to admit (although maybe I should be) that I cried myself to sleep on both Saturday and Sunday night. And believe me, it was not a pretty sight. Over the course of those two days UNC basketball, the Carolina Hurricanes, and the Chicago Bears all lost. It was a sad, sad time.

And if you must know, I flexed my baking prowess once again this weekend. I made some White Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Cookies and some Spinach and Artichoke Dip. My friends that I watched the UNC basketball game with promptly made fun of me. That didn’t stop them from eating the cookies though. Apparently, they were delicious, which shouldn’t be surprised since I just plain don’t make crappy baked goods. But to add insult to, well, insult, the girls present also made fun of me for being capable in the kitchen. And they promised to buy me a nice pink and frilly apron. Luckily for me, I don’t wear the damned things. Aprons are for nancy-boys.

So yes, it was a bad weekend all round. But that can all be changed tonight. Tonight is the Raleigh Llamas sixth game of the season. For those of you who don’t know, the Raleigh Llamas is the beginners’ league team in the Raleigh Adult Hockey League which I happen have the pleasure of playing for. We currently boast a 1 - 4 record and lead the league in the fewest penalty minutes served. Hey, at least we lead the league in something.

Why the Raleigh Llamas? Well, because it vaguely sounds like the Dalai Lama. You know the guy, the spiritual and political leader of the Tibetan people. He personifies compassion, wisdom, and faithfulness. And this is exactly what our team is not. Last season our team captain was ejected from our final game (with only five seconds remaining on the clock) for arguing with a referee. If I learned one thing playing sports, it’s that you can never win an argument with a ref, especially when they don’t mind giving you a 10 minute game misconduct with only five seconds remaining in the entire season.

Tonight is a big game because we are playing the only team in the league that is ranked beneath us. This is a must win game. If we win, we move up into sixth place (out of eight teams). If we lose, we drop to eighth place. I can’t speak for the rest of my team, but I don’t exactly aspire to be last place team in the bottom beginners’ league. That’s just one of those things that makes me want to cry myself to sleep. And honestly, I’ve done more than enough of that lately.

I’m also excited for tonight since we will be getting our new uniforms. We’ve been wearing our old standard royal blue “Wings” uniforms for the beginning part of the season (we just recently changed our names to the Raleigh Llamas). It only took nearly three months to get our jerseys in. I mean, I can order a Carolina Hurricanes jersey online and have it here within two days. Waiting half a season for new team jerseys seems perfectly reasonable. Well, perfectly reasonable by 19th century standards anyway. Well if you want to take a look at the coolest damn hockey jerseys ever, just click on the Raleigh Llamas link over there in the links section.

So you all know I’m obsessed with hockey (well, I’m obsessed with sports in general, but I actually play hockey, so yeah, I’m even more obsessed with that), but there are plenty of other things I do in a given day that don’t revolve around the sports world. In fact, I have so much to do, it’s a wonder I ever get anything done in one particular day. I’d like to think of myself as an expert when it comes to time management. Or more accurately, time-waste management.

If there is one thing I’m good at, it’s finding applicable ways to waste time. It’s kind of a super power I have. Well, no, I wouldn’t say it’s a super power. Pissing off women is my true super power; wasting time is just a slightly more than mild-mannered hobby. But it’s a hobby I take very seriously. Take today for instance: I went out of my way to drop by EB Games so I could pick up a copy of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. It’s a courtroom drama type game for the Nintendo DS that I have heard very good things about. But seeing as how I have a backlog of games I have yet to finish, there was pretty much no reason to pick this game up.

So why’d I go out of my way to buy it? Well, I haven’t bought a video game for myself since before Christmas. It’s been almost two months now, and that’s a long time for a video game junkie to go without buying something. What can I say, I need my fix. Luckily I do have a fragment of self restraint. The game has remained unopened, lying on my coffee table for most of the afternoon. Let me assure you, if I had opened the game, I would never have found the time to write this article. As far as I’m concerned, that means I’ve been productive today.

Besides video games, there are plenty of other useful wastes of time for you to engage in. Watching TV, shopping, or even listening to music are all the usual mundane time killers. But that’s old school. This is the 21st century. We have all new ways to take up your meaningless time. The internet itself is a huge tool designed just for this purpose. You can get online and chat away with friends over your favorite instant messaging software, or you can read some of the many web-published comics or you can even read some blogs. If you’re really inclined, you could read the entire backlog of my own blogs. But really, if you have that much free time on your hands, you’d be better off doing something more exciting. Like getting your nails done.

Of course, you can always get on Myspace. Plenty of people use it as their preferred waste of time from any other online site. I must confess, I too have a Myspace account, although I really can’t understand why, I barely use the thing. If you may recall, I’m not exactly fond of the mass majority of humanity. They have a tendency to annoy me. Just to humor you, let’s just check out what I have waiting for me today on my Myspace account. In the messages folder I have “Meet Horny Myspace Singles” and “Meet Hot Myspace Singles” and “10000 Dollar Scholarships.” Yes, thank you for restoring my faith in humanity Myspace.

Well, I’ve probably wasted enough of your time already. I would prefer to waste more, but really, I have an unopened video game laying on my coffee table and a hockey game at 9pm. I have so much to do that I sometimes think my life is just too stressful. Usually when that happens, I open another bottle of bourbon. Alcohol: the ultimate waste of your time.