Video Games Eat My Soul

I had planned on getting some work done yesterday, I really did. Unfortunately, the fates had conspired against me. And by fate, I mean EB Games. While I was running some errands earlier in the afternoon, I passed by the local EB Games store and they had a rather large banner posted. The banner proclaimed that if I bought two used games, I could get a third used game free of charge. Now that’s not a bad deal.

The problem with that is, I really do not need to be buying more video games, used or otherwise. I already owe EB Games more money than I care to with the games I’ve preordered. I currently have preordered the new Nintendo Wii (pronounced “wee,” as in “I need to take a weewee”), two games for the Wii, and Guitar Hero 2 for the Playstation 2. And hopefully you all know how much I love the original Guitar Hero. If Guitar Hero was a woman, I’d make love to it in many varied and exotic positions. And now that you have that wonderfully hideous image in your mind, let’s move on.

I actually didn’t buy any used games while I meandered around the Games store. There wasn’t anything that really popped out at me. There are a few Nintendo DS games I would like to have, but there weren’t used copies of them available. So, I ended up leaving. But then I got home, and after doing one load of laundry, I got bored. I was trying to find a reason to not go back to EB Games and buy something. But apparently I’m no good at that, I’m a bit of a whore for video games, after all. So I went back. And yes, the guy behind the counter did make fun of me for being a loser who can’t stay away from a video game store. I think I need professional help.

I went back for the sole purpose of picking up a copy of Command and Conquer: The First Decade. Command and Conquer is a series of video games where you build up a modern army of tanks and soldiers and go wipe out your enemies. Included in the set are all six games from the Command and Conquer universe along with all the expansion sets to those games as well. Not a bad deal for $30. And of course, I immediately loaded the software on my computer when I got home. I get a strange sense of power and satisfaction when I open up the game menu and see so many different options to choose from. There’s just so many different ways to blow my enemies up. Computerized, simulated war is fun.

It was seven o’clock and I still had plenty of time to get some more work done. I figured I could play just a few games then get to business. Of course, when I have 12 different realities to explore it may end up being more than “just a few games.” That’s ok though, I don’t have a problem doing work at ten at night. I’m a bit of a night owl like that. So I fired up the computer and started playing. Then at four in the morning I finally decided that my rear end needed a break from my rather uncomfortable chair. I also needed to use the bathroom; I had been holding it in for the last three missions.

I think it’s safe to say that video games keep me from getting anything useful done. Of course, that all depends on how you define the word “useful.” If keeping the Soviets from launching a nuclear missile on the western world is “useful” then I’ve been doing pretty damned well. Actually, I like the realism in the game. Using France in an open ended battle is pretty much useless, just like in real life. France’s special weapon, that sets it apart from the other Allies, is a giant defensive cannon that does about as much damage to your own base as it does to the enemies you’re trying to repel. We all know that defense isn’t exactly the French’s specialty. I mean, the Maginot Line just worked out wonderfully for them, didn’t it?

Ok, so making fun of France is a trendy thing to do these days. You don’t need me to go over old stale material. I’d just like to point out that video games keep me from doing any real work. Alcohol, on the other hand, doesn’t keep me from accomplishing anything. In fact, I’m usually the most productive the day after a long night of drinking and mischief. See, the thing is, after drinking a lot, I tend to get dehydrated, so I wake up real early in the morning needing to use the bathroom and get about three cups of water.

But how can this make me productive, you ask. Well, normally I abhor waking up anytime before noon. It just doesn’t seem right to me. And I know doctors say that you usually need six to eight hours of sleep each night in order to get a full rest, but I completely disagree with that. I find that getting eight to ten hours of rest each night keeps me nice and rested. I know that it sounds like I’m a lazy sloth, but in all honesty, I’m much more awake and alert and capable after ten hours of sleep. I don’t need coffee or any other forms of caffeine to keep me going throughout the day like most people. Sleep is good. That is the truth I have come to know and love.

Going beyond my normal sleeping patterns, let’s delve into the reason why I can be more productive with alcohol. Most people usually like to sleep in with hangovers. However, since sleeping in is the norm for me already, a hangover will cause me to wake up early and face the day ahead. Waking up at eight or nine in the morning gives me much more time to do things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I woke up at one or two in the afternoon. Things like taking out the trash, paying the electric bill, and recycling all those empty bottles of beer laying around my apartment (Did I really drink that much last night?). It always gives me a nice sense of satisfaction when I get to be that productive and burn through all the chores on my list. Does this reaffirmation of my self-worth mean that I will be forcing myself to wake up earlier every day to get more done and feel even more confident and industrious? Nope, not even in the slightest. You might want to go read the paragraph above this one more time. But I’ll go right ahead and repeat it here for your benefit: Sleep is good.

I really need to finish this up. I need to do a few more loads of laundry today, especially if I’m going to get my jersey washed in time for my hockey game tonight. You’d think that I would have taken care of all of the laundry already, what with having an entire week between hockey games. But no, I’m just lazy like that. I think the problem lies in the fact that I don’t drink as much as I used to. Now that I don’t have alcohol induced early morning bathroom breaks, I’m not as productive as I used to be. And you know if I’m not forced to get out of my bed before noon, it just won’t happen. I don’t need alcohol, I just need it if I’m going to do something that’s in any way, shape, or form considered work. Say what you want about drinking and the sins of intoxication, but booze really helps me do the things that I need to get done. It’s just a magical potion like that. A magical fairy elixir that makes me feel all warm and wonderful inside.

Now if you’ll excuse me, that beer in my fridge isn’t going to pour itself. Wait, no… I mean laundry. I meant that my laundry isn’t going to do itself. I’ll get right on that. Besides, there’s plenty of time to pour a beer while I’m waiting for the load of dirty clothes to get washed. Not only does beer make my friends more interesting than normal, it makes doing household chores more interesting too!