I’m a Dirty, Dirty Whore

I recently found myself playing an older video game, Chrono Trigger. This is probably because it’s my favorite video game of all time. It was made way back in 1995 for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, and even today I think every part of the game is awesome. But why am I playing an 11 year old game when I have a Gamecube, Playstation 2, and a shiny new computer? I mean, besides the fact that I’m a sucker for nostalgia.

The market for console games isn’t so hot right now since both Sony and Nintendo are gearing up for the release of their next generation systems. And I’m eagerly awaiting those systems, mostly the new Nintendo, named Wii. Yes, it’s pronounced “Weee.” I really don’t know what I can say about the name that isn’t painfully obvious. I think I’m going to get a permanent marker and write “REVOLUTION” on the front of my Wii when I get one (Revolution is Nintendo’s old codename for the Wii). I just refuse to say the name Wii out loud. I mean, seriously, I feel like an idiot just reading it.

But that won’t stop me from buying one. The new controller and game mechanics aside, I’m going to buy pretty much anything Nintendo puts out. This is because I’m Nintendo’s whore. They put out a new system or some new games, I buy them. Right now in my apartment I have a Super Nintendo, a Gamecube, a Gameboy Advance, and a DS. And I hope you all know how much I love my DS. Back at my parent’s place I have an old Gameboy, and I co-own a Super Nintendo and a Nintendo 64 with my brother. And let’s not talk about the volume of games I’ve built up over the years.

I’m beginning to think Nintendo needs to pay me money. I could wear a Nintendo t-shirt around and be a walking piece of advertising for them. I mean, they’ve made plenty of money off me in the past, and will continue to into the future, so the way I see it, I’m a good investment. You know how bad it is when you go clothes shopping with a girl… well, I’m probably worse when I step into the local EB Games store. I take my damned time looking at all the new and used games, seeing if there’s anything there worth buying. And well, it doesn’t matter if anything is worth buying or not, I still walk away with at least one game in my hand.

It’s not like I’m obsessed with Nintendo games or anything. But I’m probably the only guy you know who has a list of things to do before I die that includes: Beat all of the Metroid games and beat all of the Legend of Zelda games. And I’m kind of behind on that. I still haven’t beaten the original Metroid on NES, Metroid 2 on Gameboy or Metroid Prime 2, even though I own the last one. I have yet to beat the first two Zelda’s on the NES or either of the two Zelda’s on Gameboy Color. I need to get to work on that. It’s not for a lack of game playing skills that I have yet to beat those games, that’s for sure. I mean, I may not be able to beat Super Mario Bros. 3 in only 11 minutes, but I’m still pretty damn good with a controller in my hand.

So yes, I am a complete and total Nintendo whore. But what do I get for my dedication to Shigeru Miyamoto and company? Well, let’s see: The newest Zelda game, The Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess, has been postponed several times and may not come out until Christmas this year (it was originally slated for October of last year). Nintendo didn’t even bother to come out with a Metroid title for the Nintendo 64 making me wait for several years before Metroid Prime came out for the Gamecube. There has yet to be a sequel to Mario RPG, and NO, Paper Mario does not count. Yoshi Story for the N64 was a horrible game, nothing like the awesomeness that was Yoshi Story for the SNES. And no more sequels to Perfect Dark, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, or Donkey Kong Country for Nintendo systems (of course, this is due to Microsoft buying up the developer Rare and forcing them to make really crappy sequels on the X-box).

To be perfectly honest, I feel let down and abandoned. How could Nintendo do this to me? I’ve been a loyal and faithful whore all these years. Haven’t they noticed? Certainly not. They never remember my birthday and as I pointed out before, they took away my Christmas present last year when they postponed the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess. But being the whore that I am, I will give them one more chance. I will wait for them to make amends. The Wii (and I shudder every time I write that word) better come out in time for this Christmas, and it better rock my world. And it had better launch with the Twilight Princess. I’m going through some serious Zelda withdraws, mainly because the Wind Waker didn’t quite give me the Zelda fix I needed. It only managed to tie me over for a little while.

If Nintendo fails on this, if they don’t come through for me at the end of the year, I just don’t know what I’ll do. It would be as if my whole world crashed in upon itself and crushed me like an insignificant bug. I know that probably sounds pathetic, having my life revolve around video games and one console especially. But let’s think about this a minute. What do I really have to look forward to in the real world? The developing troubles in the Middle East that will only get worse before they get better. The end of cheap gas and energy that won’t just increase the fuel I put in my car, but also the cost of most of the goods I buy. The fact that we elected a president and national government that can’t seem to be capable enough to balance a budget. Should these things excite me and make me happy day in and day out?

The answer, for me at least, is no. This is why I prefer to get my news from the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. I may not get all the facts, but hey, the facts are upsetting and depressing, and who wants that? So I enjoy playing video games. In Chrono Trigger, I guide a group of youngsters who must master time travel in order to save the planet from a great evil threatening to consume it. And while doing so, the group saves humanity from evil forces in several different eras of time. See, its uplifting, good triumphs over evil, and one of the characters is a frog. I mean, who doesn’t like a talking frog?

And I’d like to state for the record that video games do not make me violent. Just because I can hack and slash and shoot people up in a video game does not mean I’m going to go do it in the outside world. Well, ok, if Twilight Princess doesn’t come out by this Christmas, I may buy a one way ticket to Japan and go postal on some Nintendo employees. But that doesn’t prove anything. Video games have not taught me violence is ok, I know for a fact that violence is wrong. It’s just that I’ve come to depend on video games like a drug, and if I don’t get my fix… bad things tend to happen. So if you don’t want bad things to happen, write a letter to Nintendo and tell them to send me a free copy of the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess as soon as it’s ready. Thank you!