No More Pencils, No More Books

As you all are aware, my arch nemesis, Oprah Winfrey, has her own book club. And I’m sure some of you have even read a few books on her warranted book club list. I won’t fault you for that, what’s in the past is in the past. I’m sure you feel like a spineless sea urchin for succumbing to day time talk shows, so I won’t say anything to make you feel any worse. I don’t think you’re a loser at all, nope, not one bit.

You being a loser aside, I’ve decided to do something about this whole book club thing. I mean, really, what’s the whole point of Oprah having a book club? Personally, I think it’s to turn all of America’s women into Oprah zombies. But that’s just a theory. Apparently, the books that Oprah recommends on her show are supposed to enlighten her viewers and open up their eyes to new ideas. These books are supposed to be inspirational and should quite literally change your life. Of course, I don’t agree with that.

Honestly, how is reading a book entitled, Chicken Soup for the Soul, going to change you life? If I have a bowl of chicken soup, will that make my problems go away? I know from experience that a bottle of whiskey can make your problems go away, although that’s only temporary. Seriously though, will any book you’ve gotten from Oprah’s book club change your life the way you need it changed? Will they help you get rid of your credit card debt, buy that dream car you always wanted, or teach you how to pick up that hot blonde on the other side of the bar? The answer, most obviously, is no.

So as a service to you, I have decided to compile a list of books that can actually change your life. These books are serious scriptures that deal with the cold hard facts of what you deal with every day. There’s no dressing anything up, no chicken soup metaphors, no “7 Habits for Highly Effective Illiterates,” or anything like that. Here’s my list:

1. A Random Walk Down Wall Street, by Burton Malkiel
2. Real Money: Sane Investing in an Insane World, by James Cramer
3. The Warren Buffet Way, by Robert Hagstrom
4. The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht
5. The Kama Sutra, by Vatsyayana

You’re probably wondering why I have three books dealing with investing. I mean, Oprah talks about several books that are geared toward lowering your personal debt and increasing your financial success. Well, the reason why Oprah’s books suck and the above listed books rule is that the people who wrote these books (aside from the first one) have made a lot of money using the practices outlined in the books. And by a lot, I mean millions of dollars. I don’t think the authors of books like Girl, Make Your Money Grow! ran their own wildly successful hedge funds and retired early. Who would you rather take advice from: retired millionaires or “financial experts” who have to work for a living? I know that if I had the choice, I’d rather not work for a living.

A Random Walk Down Wall Street, is the classic investing work by Princeton economics professor Burton Malkiel where he examines mutual fund managers and other investment professionals’ ability to make a decent return in the stock market. The long term statistics support his theory purported in the book, and hey, there’s much less thinking and worrying involved. Now that’s my kind of investing! Remember, thinking is always the enemy.

Real Money, Sane Investing in an Insane World, is the book that launched Jim Cramer from radio talk show to primetime TV. In the book, Cramer outlines the strategies he took on his path to becoming a multi-millionaire. Well, he won’t be throwing chairs around and sawing the heads off stuffed bears like he does on CNBC every night, but the book is still a treasure trove of investment advice. Buy it, read it, watch the show and try not to get hit by a chair.

The Warren Buffet Way, Investment Strategies of the World’s Greatest Investor is, well let’s face it, pretty much all books on investing are boring. And even the man himself, Warren Buffet, is pretty boring. But you need to believe the title of that book, because Buffet is the world’s greatest investor, hands down. In the early 1960’s Buffet started with $100 of his own money and little over $100,000 of his investors’ money. And today he is worth over $8 billion. Let me say this again: $100 + 40 years = $8 billion. That’s not too shabby. Warren Buffet is continuously one of the world’s top ten richest people, and unlike Bill Gates, he didn’t have to screw over ever PC user in the world to get there.

The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook is a masterpiece of nonfiction. It is mainly a book meant to amuse and entertain its readers, even though it appears to be an instructional survival guide. I have to admit that yes, it is entertaining. But I would advise you learn your lessons from the book as well. I’m sure none of you ever expect to have an alligator clamp down on your arm, but if it did somehow happen, wouldn’t you like to know how to get it off? (Hint: flick it on the snout.) This book can help you get out of so many hard to survive places that you should never leave your house without it. The authors consulted several experts in their fields to bring you the best survival advice possible. This book could quite literally save your life. Can you say that of any of Oprah’s books?

The Kama Sutra is a book every man must have, period. Vatsyayana lays out not only several varied sexual positions but also how to keep your marriage life active, how to commit adultery, and much more. It’s all part of the sensual side of humanity that we have been learning to discover since ancient times. And who doesn’t want better sex? Heck, get an illustrated version of the book, it will make reading it much more exciting, and maybe a little more instructive too.

So there it is, my book club. The main point here is: get rich. You’ll have fewer worries, more women coming after you, and more opportunities to try out what you learned in the Kama Sutra. So read, enjoy, and try not to get bitten by an alligator. I’m not sure if hitting it in the snout actually works, and I’d rather not have to find out first hand.