Thankfully, watching hockey is a lot more exciting than my usual tool for procrastination. Normally instead of writing, I’m playing solitaire on the computer. The idea is to screw around and get some of the creative juices flowing, then eventually get down to the writing. But in reality, I just spend a few hours yelling at the computer screen. And by yelling, I mean screaming at the top of my lungs. Yes, I know it’s pointless to yell at the computer since it can’t hear me (I haven’t figured out where to plug the microphone in yet). But I swear to everything that is holy: that game cheats!.
I will see a six of hearts in the deck when flipping through. And then 30 seconds later when I desperately need that six of hearts to win the game, it isn’t there anymore. Where did it go? I don’t think the six of hearts had a hot date with some blonde chick at the movies. I also don’t think he joined the army and got shipped off to Iraq. So where is he? The game erased him for the express purpose of screwing me over, that's where. See when you’re playing with an actual physical deck, you can see that there are 52 cards, and the requisite 13 for each suit are accounted for. But on a computer game version, you don’t know if the program just up and decided to replace your six of hearts with a nine of diamonds. And we all know the nine of diamonds is no help at all. Stupid diamonds.
So I probably don’t have to say it, but I’ve quit playing solitaire. I’ve moved on to a much more sophisticated way of wasting my time. It’s called spider solitaire. It is superior to regular solitaire in every way, including how often it cheats me out of victory. I have well documented proof of its misdeeds too. See, in spider solitaire, the computer keeps track of your statistics, which mainly consists of how many games you’ve won, how many you’ve lost, and the percentage of games you win. Right now I have been winning 40% of all the spider solitaire games I play. Obviously this number is low due to the game making it impossible for me to win rather than my skill as a player. Obviously.
Every time I get that win percentage up to 41%, I automatically lose five games in a row. Then I have to crawl my way back up for the mid-30’s range back to 40%. The game usually accomplishes my virtual demise by sandbagging me with a bunch of kings and sevens all at once. For those of you not familiar with the spider solitaire let me assure you that this game is in no way similar to poker. Having several kings and sevens right in front of you is a bad thing. Generally it makes it very hard to win. And so the game continues to cheat, and my self esteem reaches all new lows.
You might wonder why I even bother playing anymore. Well, it’s either that, or I actually buckle down and do some work. And to be honest, killing my self esteem is much more uplifting than doing hard work.
But we need to focus on the real issue here. The raping of my self esteem on a regular basis is not your concern. However, someone screwed up when programming these solitaire computer games, and that is your concern. Apparently they forgot to program in the part where the universe revolves around me. And yes, that’s true. I will repeat it here so you don’t have to reread the previous sentence: The universe revolves around me.
Now I don’t have completely conclusive evidence of this theory just yet, but I’ve spent the last year recording data, and most of it seems to support my being the center of the universe theory. Here’s just one of the latest pieces of data I’ve uncovered, and it’s a brilliant bit of reasoning if I do say so myself:
Right now you are reading an article that was written by me (you know, me? The guy the universerevolves around?). And I’m estimating that you have read at least some, if not all, of my articlesin the archives. I must be pretty important for you to read what I write down every week. I mean,have I ever read anything you’ve written? No, I didn’t think so. In order to take the time to readthis article you have to give up spending time on something else. So what is it that you’re givingup? Is it work? Is it buying a nice gift for your spouse or loved one? Is it producing newefficient means of renewable energy that will lessen our dependence on oil, lower our energy costs,and help circumvent global warming?
So by reading this article you are postponing the health and happiness of others. And by no meansis this your fault. It’s obvious that the universe doesn’t care about those other people you aren’thelping right now. The universe cares about me, which is why you’re reading this article. It’s something we like to call fate.
This evidence by itself is not conclusive, but I think you can see that I have strong support for my theory. But just because the universe revolves around me doesn’t mean you should be neglected. You know what, after you get done reading this, go ahead and do something for you. Take a bubble bath, read a good book, or eat some chocolate. It’s ok, I don’t mind, and therefore, neither does the universe.
But I do need you to do one thing. I've been having problems convincing the “scientists” and the “astronomers” (you know, the nerdy guys who study the stars) that the universe does indeed revolve around me. They seem to be impervious to my obviously superior reasoning. This is why I need your help. Please, continue to come back here and read everything I write. Even if your boss fires you, your wife leaves you, or the planet turns out like the movie Waterworld (utterly boring without decent character development or a cohesive plot structure), I need you to keep reading these articles. Only then will I have enough evidence to prove my theory once and for all. Not only do I thank you from the bottom of my heart, but the universe will thank you as well.
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