Good Clean Fun in the Spring Sun

Springtime is finally here! The flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping, and the weather is finally getting warmer. After the horrible months of winter, we finally have something to be happy about. According to the weather channel, its supposed to remain in the mid 70’s and even get into the low 80’s. And that is really great news.

I’m not really a fan of hot and humid weather by any means, but there is one thing about warm weather that always brightens my day. And that is skimpy outfits that girls start wearing in the summer. Sometimes I forget how beautiful women are. I mean, all winter long, the girls keep their goods bundled up under layers of sweaters and loose pants. Where’s the fun in that? I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to be cold in the winter, but I’m also being denied the obvious physical beauty of the female species. Ladies, this is clearly unacceptable.

But, it’s spring! And you can clearly notice it. Just walk through any mall. Seriously, go to the mall and walk around. You’ll see far more cleavage and short skirts than you have laid eyes on in the last four months. And just think, in a few more weeks, the pools will open up and we’ll get to see all the lovely bikinis that have been stuffed in the back dresser drawers for far too long. And for the record, a two piece swimsuit is superior to a one piece.

Now, I’m not advocating that all women should run around in skimpy outfits all the time. I am saying that all good looking women should run around in skimpy outfits all the time. Let’s be honest with ourselves, God did not give the gift of gorgeous looks to every woman out there. Just like God obviously didn’t give me the gift of realizing I am about to say something stupid and I just need to shut the hell up. I consider myself challenged.

So, I need to take the time here to go ahead and apologize to the women of the world in advance. I know in the future I will be staring at you when you’re wearing very little clothing, and I know that’s bad. Unfortunately, my eyes don’t listen to my brain. They go where they think is the most exciting. And most of the time, I have no control over that whatsoever. I assume it’s the same with all guys. So on behalf of all guys who have been looking at you while you were wearing a bathing suit, or low cut shirt, or tight pants, or whatever… I’m sorry.

Now is the time for a quick public service announcement: Girls, please wait until you’re 18 years old to wear anything too risqué. It’s ok for high-schoolers to wear something a little flashy. I know how high school life is. But please, for the sake of decency, don’t go wearing something that leaves little to the imagination. I say this mainly because I really don’t want to go to jail. Every time I see a 16 year old girl dressed up like Paris Hilton I just want to deport her to an uptight boarding school where they still wear ultra long skirts from the 1950’s. Of course, the girl will always be welcome back from boarding school on her 18th birthday.

There is something else that’s very important that I have to speak to women about. With the coming of spring, many more ladies will be flocking to tanning beds to work up their tans. Apparently women aren’t beautiful unless they’re cooked like a well done rib eye. And no, before you get too offended, I don’t think of women as pieces of meat. Girls are made up of sugar and spice and everything nice… so I think they’re more like a dessert. But seriously, what’s with all the tanning bed frenzy? I mean, you pay people to burn your skin. Good job, that’s money very well spent. I’m sure putting that money into an IRA account for retirement isn’t nearly as important.

Ladies, if you really want to get a tan, why don’t you lay out by the pool or in your front yard where everyone can see you? I mean, no one can see you while you’re lying in some coffin shaped tanning “bed.” And don’t give me that crap about the sun giving you skin cancer. It’s true, the UV rays of the sun can cause skin cancer. But did you know that in 2001, 9,600 people (both men and women) died of skin cancer. In the same year, 68,000 women died of lung cancer. And how many of you women smoke? My point is that skin cancer, although problematic, shouldn’t be your main worry.

I know, I know, cancer isn’t funny. If you want to help make a difference, then go check out the American Cancer Society’s homepage. I’ve leant a helping hand myself in the past. I was a Relay for Life team captain a year or two back. I realize that this may be pretty surprising to you; me actually doing something worthwhile for the community. What can I say? The girl who talked me into it was wearing some really tight pants. And you also be surprised to find out that I’m a sucker for a girl in skin tight pants.

• http://www.cancer.org (American Cancer Society)

• http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PAR/Content/PAR_1_Relay_For_Life.asp (Relay for Life)