Going to the Chapel… Going to Get Married...

When is a person supposed to fall in love and get married? After high school? After college? Before the age of 27? I ask this question mainly because everyone I know is getting married. And I mean everyone. In fact two of my friends from high school are both planning on getting married May 2007. I just can’t understand why everyone has to give up their lives this way.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to marriage as an institution. I’m opposed to never seeing my friends again. No more late nights playing video games, no more watching playoff hockey together, and certainly no more trolling around bars trying to find women… women that we might one day fall in love with and end up marrying. But when guys get married, something changes. Usually it has something to do with the overly large ball and chain their wives mount on each ankle.

I wish the ball and chain was the only problem. Unfortunately, there’s more. When a guy gets married, his vocabulary changes. Gone are words like: beer, Halo, touchdown, and Schwarzenegger. They are replaced with words like duvet cover, Cher, and antiquing. Just the sound of those words is enough to make any man cringe. The fundamental change a married man goes through pierces deep into his soul. The married man no long cares about his single friends or his previous pursuits of living life to its fullest. Instead, he worries about job security, life insurance and yard work. That is just seriously BORING!

I’m not saying this because I’m jealous of my friends or because I’m selfish and don’t want to lose them. No, I’m saying this because I care. I’m really worried about people who get married. Mainly, I’m worried about divorce. The latest divorce statistics show that roughly 43% of people who enter into matrimony get divorced. This means that of the five friends of mine that are married or getting married, two will get divorced. This is a very solemn fact indeed. I have to do something.

This is why I’m starting up a betting pool. All of us single guys are going to put money together and bet on who we think will be the two to get divorced. The way I see it, if you get one person right, you get a small amount of money, but if you get both divorcees right, you get a big pile of cash. This brings up an interesting ethical question. Do you stay away from betting on the guy with kids, because statistically he’s less likely to get divorced, or do you put your money on him because the smaller odds means more money comes your way if he does divorce? Unfortunately I don’t have an answer for that. Betting can be tricky.

But I do care about the divorcees, they are my friends after all. As the legal counsel, I advise every guy I know to cross their fingers when they say their vows. You know the: “to have and to hold… for richer or poorer… till death do us part.” That stuff. That way, when the divorce does come (and go ahead and flip a coin, because that’s about your chances of getting a divorce) the wife cannot sue the guy for breaking his vows. I mean, the vows constitute an orally binding contract. And if you break said contract, you could owe tons of money to your ex-wife (hint: it’s called alimony). But by keeping your fingers crossed, you’re signifying that you really aren’t agreeing to the contract, and therefore cannot be held responsible for your actions.

I think I should take the time out here to tell you that I am NOT licensed to practice law in any state in the United States or any other country in the world for that matter. So you may just want to get a prenuptial agreement, just to be safe.

Remember, I write this because I care. We really need to find what’s wrong with America that is causing so many divorces. Personally, I blame the IRS. Wait, stay with me here. Have you tried filling out a Form 1040? You have to figure out if you’re filing as a single, married filing jointly, married filing separately, dependent, or head of household. Seems simple enough, right? Well apparently not. And if it’s hard for me, just imagine how hard it is for married couples. Let me explain:

I’m single and by default that means I’m the head of my household. So I mark boxes 1 and 5. Then the IRS tells me that I can only choose one box. I would like to choose the one choice that saves me the most money, but I have a feeling the IRS wants me to mark the “single” box because they would like to keep my money for themselves. I can respect that. I happen to have a very strong attachment to my money. It’s nice to know that the IRS is just as dedicated to my money as I am.

But we have to put a stop to them, they’re ruining the married life of America. And I base this solely on the fact that I hate paying taxes. And since I’m pretty sure you hate paying taxes too, I’m certain you’ll get on board with me. I know there is no “logical” or “reasonable” correlation between divorces and taxes. But I think we can all agree that divorces are bad… and taxes are bad. And if they’re both bad, there has to be something connecting them. I don’t know what the connection is and I don’t want to speculate to its exact nature. Now that would be irresponsible.I think we should petition the government to abolish taxes for married people.

I think, with a reasonable amount of certainty, that it would cause people to stay married much, much longer. I think the reasons are obvious. If married people didn’t have to pay taxes, then there would be no reason for husband and wife to hate each other. Thus they would live long, healthy, fruitful lives together. Remember, I’m saying this because I care. I care about our country, I care about married couples everywhere, and I care about my friends who strapped to heavy cast-iron blocks that permanently restrict their movement.

So, what have we learned today? First, that married men are by definition: boring. Second, that the IRS is to blame for every single divorce in America, and the only way to curtail divorce is to eliminate taxes for married couples. Lastly, and most importantly, the word “antiquing” should be removed from the English language permanently.