Jeff, the Legend

Over the past month or so I’ve reconnected with some of my old college mates. I would quickly like to point out, that I haven’t been out of college that long, a little over a year at this point. After talking with several guys I used to hang out with, and with some of the kids who are still in school, it has become apparent to me that I left something of a legacy behind. Apparently, word of my collegiate deeds has spread and I have become a legend. Here I will regale you with the various tales that have accrued to award me with this title.

How does one become a legend? Well first we have to look at what traits the college student admires. Surprisingly, grade point average and responsibility don’t rank very high on the list. Not so surprising is that I don’t exactly place legendary in either one of those categories. The thing I’m most capable at is drinking. And I think we all know how much those college kids love to drink. In fact, I’m so capable at drinking that I managed to get my name put on the wall of my favorite bar by drinking over 200 documented beers. You only need to drink 100 beers to get your name on the wall there, but I’m just so committed that I got it put up there twice.

The other major thing college kids admire in a role model is women. Or better put, they care about the quality and quantity of women a guy surrounds himself with. Well, I didn’t exactly get famous for being popular among the ladies. It’s actually quite the opposite. See, I have this problem where I say the exact opposite of what a girl would expect me to say. This usually ends up in the girl hating me for life. But on the plus side, guys find my actions absolutely hilarious. I just think it’s a good idea to let guys know that yes, every once in a while it’s ok to think entirely of yourself and ignore what the needs and wants of the female. Of course, acting like me is not recommended since you’ll probably be blacklisted by every woman you meet. But hey, it works out for me, mainly because I really just don’t care.

But then again, you could be nice to girls, take them out on dates, and get into that whole relationship thing. I mean, it works out for some people. Though I’m sorry to say, I generally don’t advise it. Case in point: my friend Michael dated a girl for almost a year. They broke up about halfway through our senior year in college. She wasn’t real fond of him after that, but unfortunately, the two of them ran in most of the same social circles. They had a bad habit of running into each other throughout the rest of college and even beyond. It could get pretty awkward, which incidentally is quite fun to watch. The latest of these occurrences happened this last weekend at the UNC vs. Georgia Tech football game.

Michael’s ex pretty much ignored him every time she could and gave him the evil eye. If you’ve ever had an ex-girlfriend then you know what I’m talking about. And this is even though they had been on pretty good terms lately and had spoken together quite a few times. Strangely enough, she had no problem talking to me and even seemed genuinely pleased to see me. Now this is the odd part. Michael dated her and for the most part was kind and generous, that’s just the kind of guy he is. On the other hand, late one night just as we were about the leave a bar (this was after they had broken up), I got into a slapping fight with her and two of her friends. I have to say in my defense, the girls started it. Well, no, maybe they didn’t. To be honest the whole event is kind of fuzzy… alcohol will do that to you. But I do know that it was three against one and those are totally not fair odds no matter how you stack it up.

So what’s the moral of this story? If you date a girl and be nice to her, then she won’t talk to you after the break up. But if you slap her around… well no, I’d better not finish that sentence. The thing is I don’t agree with physically harming girls in any way, shape, or form. Even though I’m an outspoken critic of the female species (and yes, I truly believe they are a different species), even they don’t deserve that kind of treatment. And in all honestly, I am very surprised that Michael’s ex and her friends never got upset at that incident. It could possibly be that they were even more inebriated than I was. Really, it was just one of those nights.

To be a legend is no easy task. There is no cookie-cutter solution to making a man legendary. Drinking copious amounts of beer, getting your name put on the wall of a bar, and getting into a slapping contest with three sorority girls may not make you a living marvel to all of your admiring friends. It just so happened that it worked out for me that way. The most important thing you can do is to just be comfortable with yourself. As it turns out, I happen to hate women. And I’m very comfortable with that. Some guys wouldn’t be, and that’s why they aren’t awesome. And yes, I am awesome; I have proof to back up this statement.

This past Saturday evening (the same night I alluded to earlier), I managed to convince a girl I met in a bar that I was awesome. To be honest, it’s really not my fault. All I did was tell her the truth. Apparently chicks dig honesty. Who knew? The truth, as I told it, was that I came from a very long line of awesome. My brother, my dad, and heck, even my grandpa is awesome. I was raised in sheer awesomeness. So the girl decided to call me by the name “Awesome” for the rest of the evening. I didn’t mind because I really couldn’t find any fault with her nomenclature. Apparently remembering my real name was far too difficult. But you know what I’ve always said when it comes to girls and names: totally not important.

Even if you weren’t created by the fusing of two sets of genetic codes into a zygote of pure awesomeness, you can still become a legend. It just won’t be easy on you. You can get a good start by trying to change your name. If you can come up with a really kickin’ stage name and convince your friends to call you by that name, then you’re well on your way. Eddie Vedder was originally named Edward Louis Severson by his parents. And there’s no way you’re going to be a rock star with the name Edward Louis, even in Seattle. (You did know that Eddie Vedder is the lead singer for Pearl Jam, right? Right? Jeeze, next you’re going to tell me that STP stands for “Standard Temperature and Pressure.” Please don’t be that big of a loser.)

Grunge rock music references aside, there is one important thing I think you should take away from this. Above all else, you just have to be true to yourself and be happy with who you are. I am perfectly content saying things out loud that all the other guys are thinking but never have the courage to say in front of women. Guys tend to think I have balls made out of pure steel. I assure you, this is not the case. I really just don’t care what most women think of me. As far as I’m concerned, good looking girls are a dime a dozen. If you want to be admired as a great person, you only have to be passionate about what you do no matter what it is.

Just be sure that you’re not passionate about pissing off women. That’s my thing, and I’m not going to let you muscle in on my territory. Although, I have to admit, it is a lot of fun and very liberating. Besides, you know what they say: “Nice guys finish last.” Hence, I am very seldom a “nice guy.” And this is why I’m known as a legend.