Well, I’m posting this article a little bit early this week. This is because I have to leave early on Tuesday morning to catch my flight to Georgia. I’m off to visit the family for Thanksgiving. It should be tons of fun and I’m really looking forward to it. Mostly I was looking forward to showing off my brand new Nintendo Wii since I preordered mine, and my brother didn’t. But my mom, being the wonderfully kind and loving lady that she is, went to several different stores and by sheer karma was able to purchase the last of only three at a local K-mart for my brother. Well, since I don’t have bragging rights, I guess I can still beat up on him in some Wii boxing.
But here in North Carolina, I’m currently having huge problem with the weather. Just a few days ago it was freezing cold. But now it’s actually somewhat warm outside. It’s the middle of November, it’s not supposed to be 70 frigging degrees! Unfortunately, I have no control over the elements. The warm weather of summer was nice and all, but I’m ready for the winter months. I’ve already pulled out all my sweaters and long sleeved t-shirts, but I can’t wear any of them if it doesn’t get cold again. I really just wish the weather around here would make up its mind.
Mainly though, I wish it would get cold and stay cold. You see, I’m a warm natured person and I have a very hard time getting to sleep if I’m too hot. So during the summer time I have to leave my air conditioning on almost at full blast. But during the winter I don’t even touch the heater. I just like to bask in the coolness of the season. That and it gives me a good excuse to wear my Hugh Hefner smoking jacket, which is a perfect substitute for a robe and is oh-so comfortable. It also does a good job making me look stylish and sophisticated. I’m not exactly a man of fashion, so any help I can get on that front, I will gladly take. Besides, who doesn’t want to be like Hef? The guy owns the Playboy mansion. Need I say more?
Beyond that, I live on the third floor of my apartment building. And as we all know, heat rises, which is diametrically opposite of the president’s approval ratings (bonus points to you if you know the correct meaning of the word “diametrically”). So that means during the winter heat generated on the first and second floors creeps up to my apartment. This make my place somewhat heated even if I don’t turn on the hot air. I like it because I enjoy saving money on my energy bill. And thanks to our wonderful friends in OPEC and those SUV-driving soccer moms, energy isn’t exactly cheap these days.
Now, it doesn’t always stay warm at my apartment when I leave the heat off. When it’s freezing outside, it is very cold inside as well. And I’m fine with that. I happen to be a huge cheapskate, so whatever money I can save by not using the heat then I’ll gladly take it. I also only buy groceries when they’re on sale, which leaves me with a rather interesting collection of corndogs and Lean Cuisine meals in my freezer. I don’t really care if the food is healthy or not, as long as it’s “buy one get one free,” I’m all over it.
Being cold has never really bothered me. The cavemen didn’t have heat, and they did just fine. In fact, I have this theory that I’m actually a step backwards in evolution from normal humans. That would make me closer in relation to the cavemen then the rest of society. I know it sounds silly, but let me assure you that I have plenty of evidence to support this theory of mine. Mainly, I have hair on my knuckles. Well, not just my knuckles, but my toes too. And it’s not just peach fuzz, its bonafide Neanderthal-esque hair. Before you get all grossed out, let me assuage your fears by letting you know that it is neither scary nor freaky. It’s just hairy.
You would think being a not quite fully developed homo-sapiens would make me some sort of social pariah. But this is not the case. I am fortunate to be on the same level as many famous and well respected contemporaries such as: Captain Caveman and the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. And that’s pretty good company if you ask me.
Unfortunately there is a downside to being a caveman. Congress is talking about passing an act that would specifically forbid cavemen from producing any offspring. Apparently they don’t want me to pass on my de-evolved genetic material to pollute the future gene pool. My name has been specifically mentioned in the proceedings. Honestly, I think they just fear me and my awesomeness. Nevertheless, the national government seems to want to get up close and personal with my reproductive habits, and that is just wrong. I mean, it’s genetic profiling. That’s just not cool.
But the negative sentiment doesn’t end there. Nope, there are plenty of people in this society who have something against the caveman. I try to tune it out, but it’s hard to do sometimes. GEICO has been airing commercials for a while now that are purposefully malicious to those that are less than sapiens. You shouldn’t make fun of us like that. I may just be a simple caveman. Your ways frighten and confuse me. But I do know when something is spiteful like that. And it hurts my feelings.
If you buy your auto insurance through GEICO then shame on you. You’re actively supporting this unsolicited bigotry and it has to stop. I have already tried unsuccessfully to get a petition signed to have the bureaucratic insurer to cease their current line of advertising. Unfortunately, using cave drawings as a signed petition isn’t very popular these days. None of my supporters could find the cave I was using for the petition and so I didn’t receive any signatures. But don’t you worry one little bit. I have plenty of other options at my disposal.
Apparently, you can use this internet thing to send messages directly to a person or a company. And if you send lots and lots of messages all at the same time, it will slow the company’s internet access tremendously. It seems that this can seriously hurt a business’ ability to operate and will upset many of its employees. I think maybe I should flood GEICO with these electronic messages asking them to stop their recent advertising campaign. “Emailing spam, so easy to do even a caveman can do it!”
Well, chances are I’m already in Georgia by now. While you’re reading this, I’m probably enjoying some wonderful time with my family that I haven’t seen in many months. In all truthfulness, I’ll probably spend all of my time playing on my brother’s Nintendo Wii and ignoring anyone or anything that’s not on the TV screen. I’m sure I’ll take a break now and then to get my hands on some homemade cookies and fudge. Maybe I’ll grab some turkey and stuffing too. Choices are so hard to make sometimes. And to think, I’m the good son… at least that’s what I keep telling myself. Here’s to hoping you’re having a wonderful holiday!
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