Let’s be honest with ourselves for just a minute, everybody lies. Everyone. You, me, your parents, your minister, and your government officials; they all lie. Lying has become so ingrained in the human conscious that cheating on your taxes, SATs, and family board games has become perfectly acceptable in society. Hey, if nobody notices and you get away with it, it’s not technically lying.
So why do I bring this up? Well, it’s due to the issues I’ve been having lately with women. Yes, it always comes back to women. Now, I’ve always been told that women want me to be honest with them. And this I believed to be true. But as it turns out, as with most of your preconceptions with women, this is completely false. Women prefer being lied to. It’s true, they don’t want honesty. Case in point:
The other day I was talking with some of the girls I know in my never ending quest to discover what actually takes place in the female mind. The talk turned towards relationships, and being that I’m a single guy, the girls thought there was something wrong with me that they needed to fix by finding me a girlfriend. Girls are just crazy like that. So they asked me what I was looking for in a woman. I though about it for a few moments and replied that it would be nice to have a girl that was into threesomes.
Now I didn’t know that there was a wrong answer to a question based solely on opinion, but apparently that was the wrong answer. Now I know what you’re thinking, you think I’m some sort of perverted pig. Well, I won’t argue with you there. But I do want to point out what should be relatively obvious: I’m single, I’m not looking for a serious relationship, and by saying I’m looking for a girl who’s into threesomes, I’m merely looking for a fairly laid back relationship that’s more about enjoying the here and now rather than planning for the future.
Even with those observably palpable facts, I still said the wrong thing. Even if it was the truth, it was wrong. The girls I was talking were clearly upset. After some time thinking it over, I really do believe that they wanted me to lie to them. They would have preferred an affable falsehood wrapped up in a bowtie of white lies. I should have said something along the lines of: I’m looking for a girl who is not only attractive, but intelligent and witty, and has a wonderful personality that really completes me.
Honestly, I have no idea what the hell that means, but it seems like the sort of thing girls go for. What does “she completes me” even mean? Well, if I had lots of money I’d feel pretty complete. Maybe that means I should date a rich woman. But I can’t say that, because it’s the truth. I would need a much more innocent sounding lie. So how about… I really don’t care how much money a girl has, it’s what’s inside that counts the most. (WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HAHAHAHAHA. Wow, I bet you actually believed that for a moment, didn’t you? Wow.)
Why is it that women prefer lies to the actual, factual truth? Looking back on things I realize that every time I have ever been up front and honest with a woman, I have pissed her off. But then when I lie to them and tell them what I think they want to hear, they end up feeling really good about themselves. Now if I were a simpler animal, one that only responds to the rewards and punishments given to him, I would lie my ass off every chance I got. Luckily, I’m a rational being capable of much more complex and philosophical thought. And all the writings of Sophocles and Plato and Voltaire lead me to one conclusion: Women are batty.
After long nights of introspection and deep cerebral thought, I think I may have solved the conundrum. Women don’t necessarily want to be lied to; they just want the physical reality to shift to a point where it lines up with their ideal world. This means that women want you to be thoughtful and dependable and caring (and let’s be honest, those aren’t exactly your strong suits). They want you to enjoy the chick flick they dragged you out to since it would indicate that you were in touch with your feelings. So next time you are forced to see one of those less-than-Schwarzenegger movies be prepared to tell her afterwards that you thought the movie was deep and that you felt a real emotional connection with the characters. That’s a good lie to use. Don’t tell her the truth; that the movie needed more explosions and lesbian scenes. That’s just asking for trouble.
I think it’s about time we started giving women what they want. The females in this country have had to endure a lot. They have to fight constant sexism at work to get paid 80% of what their male counterparts do, only to come home to a husband/boyfriend who doesn’t always appreciate them. So it is time we did something nice for our women. As I’ve so logically pointed out, women really and truly want to be lied to. So we all need to make a concerted effort to lie to the women in our lives. Tell as many fibs and untruths as you can. Your woman will thank you for it.
I’m sure all you women out there are reading this and are positively upset. You think you want the truth, but that is untrue. Just remember that your words are cheap. It doesn’t matter if you say you want honestly and forthrightness. Guys are more motivated more by your actions than by your words. When you punish a man for being honest and reward him for lying, you drive his behavior. And then you wonder why every guy you ever dated was a lying scum-bucket.
The way I see it, women can’t be upset when I lie to them. They lie to me everyday. They tell me they want guys to be honest, when in reality, they are much happier when they get dishonesty. Women tell me they want a nice guy, and then they always go out of their way to date a complete jerk (the reasons behind this are many and varied and are well beyond the scope of this article). As we can see, women themselves are quite adept at lying, so you shouldn’t ever feel bad about being dishonest with one. Just remember, women want you to lie. And if they ever discover the truth behind your lie, lie even more to cover it up. It’s what they want.
I’m sure now that women out there are loath to date me. And I’m even more sure that I won’t be finding a girl who’s into threesomes any time soon. But that’s ok. I was able to secure a brand new Nintendo Wii at launch just over a week ago. Let me tell you, it is awesome. I really don’t need a woman to take up my time and to pull me away from The Legend of Zelda, The Twilight Princess. In all honesty, video games are much more important than women. And that is the candid truth.
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