Stupid Inventions

I know I’m a little bit late today at posting a new article, but I haven’t had much time to get any real writing done lately. I’ve spent the past week with the family and most of my time has been taken up by playing cards, messing around with my new backpack, and eating junk food. So instead of getting a brand new composition today, I’m going to give you a few shorts that I wrote when I was much younger. I present you with: Stupid Inventions.

The Nuclear Beam Washing Machine

World War II technology being used in your very own home! Very exciting, huh? Your clothes have never been more clean until now. The nuclear power takes out all of the everyday particles that get stuck in between the fibers of your clothes. The secret lies within the power source of the machine. That’s right! You guessed it, it is run by nuclear power. Radon beams get shot through your clothes. This purifies the cleanliness of the articles you wear. If the clothes come out glowing green, don’t worry, it won’t hurt you too much. If your cat that sleeps behind the washing machine starts walking around and sporting two heads, don’t worry either. Your satisfaction is not guaranteed. We are not responsible for your buying and using our product. We use parts from old Soviet nuclear bombs that we just bought for 20 dollars a piece. So hurry up and buy now!


The Pocket Chainsaw

No more lugging around big heavy equipment for sawing. The convenient Jeff’s Army Pocket Chainsaw™ can slice ‘em and dice ‘em like any ordinary one. No more sorry Swiss Army stuff like little old knives. Just pull the cord and you’re on your way to total carnage. If you’re at work and you need to cut a cord that won’t let your knife through it, then you’re stuck. Don’t you just hate that? Just whip out one of our handy dandy Pocket Chainsaws and you’re in business. The cords will scream in terror. Cut those hedges on your front lawn you’ve been meaning to get. So order now! Buy now and you might get a Pocket Chainsaw that actually works! For best results, remember to continuously refill your Pocket Chainsaw since the handheld gas tank only holds four drops of gasoline.


The Little Child’s Choke Chain

It’s time to discipline that little brat you’ve been raising as a kid. One pull from this handy choke chain and he’ll be begging for mercy! You may have one for your dog, but now you need one for your kid. Why, you ask. Because we say so! Someone may tell you that it is just a doggie choke chain. We tell you that they are not… lying. These chains are so good that they work on those nosy adolescents of yours as well. Wow, doesn’t it feel great to have power over someone who is only half your size? We take no responsibility for you using our product. If you buy it, that’s your problem. So buy now!


The Flame ‘em Tank Lighter

Flip the switch and off you go! The Flame ‘em Tank Lighter shoots a ball of flame up to 100 feet. Before you hit the switch to light up a cigarette, make sure you line up the barrel on the tank with your cigarette or the ball of flame will fly in the other direction. (This product is not guaranteed to fire in a straight line or hit its target.) You can blow down your whole house with a shot from this baby. Give them to your friends, they’re great for a joke! Order now! (We are not responsible for any damages or losses caused by our product, the Flame ‘em Tank Lighter.)


The Amazingly Annoying Beeping Watch

Beep…Beep. No more need to look to see the time. The Amazingly Annoying Beeping Watch™ will beep every minute. You know exactly what time it is when you want to or when you don’t. You have to keep track of the time in your head because the watch only beeps, it doesn’t actually keep track of time for you. Well, the watch might not beep every minute, just every 47 to 59 seconds. But that’s alright, because there is only 23 hours and 58 minutes in a day (whatever it is that those two facts have to do with each other). Caution: Watch is not water resistant, use at your own risk in wet or damp or mildly moist or even almost dry (but not quite) areas. Wouldn’t it be a concept if someone could invent something that will actually keep track of time (accurately, of course)? But until then, order our all new Amazingly Annoying Beeping Watch™. Our logo, “Annoy your friends, family, neutral bystanders, and yourself!” Buy now!