Pork, Chicken, and Steak, Oh My!

Do you want to know what’s been bothering me lately? Ok, I know you don’t care, but I’m going to tell you anyways, because that’s just the kind of man that I am. I’m the kind of man that’s more important than you are, so listen up, and you’d better listen good too. Here’s the thing: I don’t trust vegetarians. I know this is totally random, but bear with me for a few minutes.

I know a few people who are vegetarians, and I’ve been pretty considerate and kind and doing all that understanding crap. But honestly, I just don’t get it. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against vegetables. In fact, I eat vegetables all the time. Hamburgers usually come with lettuce and tomato on them, French fries are made from potatoes, and I usually get onions and green peppers on my Philly cheese-steak. But what is the deal with people who don’t eat meat? Not only is it incredibly tasty and immensely satisfying, but meat provides essential vitamins and nutrients that are hard to find anywhere else. Do you know how many beans you have to eat to get your daily supply of protein and iron? Honestly, I have no idea, but I’m just going to assume that it’s a huge amount, since it’ll make my case just that much stronger.

So why is it that I don’t trust people that don’t eat meat? What have vegetarians ever done to me to make me weary of them? Well, nothing really. I mean, besides the fact that they decided, of their own free will and accord, to not consume the wonderfully meaty and delicious creatures of this planet. I just can’t understand that. I don’t know why someone would voluntarily not eat meat. Think about it, there is just no rational explanation for it, which is why I don’t trust vegetarians. What solid reason is there for passing up on some good old fashioned Carolina barbeque? There is none.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking, that those veggie eating fiends have perfectly rational reasons for not partaking in the most wholesome part of the food pyramid. Let’s take a look at these so called “reasonable explanations” for being a vegetarian. Some of those leaf eaters say its healthier being a vegetarian. They say that meat is too fatty and you’ll gain too much weight and unwanted cholesterol when you eat meat. Well that’s true if all you do is sit on the sofa eating nothing but Taco Bell and watching Dr. Phil. The problem is, these crazy vegetarians are eating their meat all wrong. They should go back to the old fashioned way of eating meat: by hunting wild animals down with nothing but a spear and a knife. Seriously, there’s nothing like a three hour long hunt to work up an appetite, and it helps keep off those unsightly love handles. Just a note though, it’s not considered hunting if you end up eating veal.

Another wacko theory is that the cows we raise for beef produce too much methane which adds to the greenhouse gasses that are destroying our atmosphere. Well, I agree that greenhouse gasses are a problem and that global warming is something we all need to deal with. Although, I’m not sure eating nothing but leafy green vegetables is the way to solve that problem. I mean, think about it. If you left those leafy greens in the ground to grow, instead of eating them, they’d mature and do that photosynthetic thing where they turn greenhouse gasses into energy and emit live affirming oxygen. So to all you vegetarians out there: Thanks for eating up all of our natural filters for greenhouse gasses. Good job.

Some vegetarians will tell you that they don’t eat meat because they love animals and they’d hate to eat the cute, cuddly animals. Now that doesn’t make a lick of sense. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that dog is, in fact, not man’s best friend. The pig is man’s best friend. I mean, look at all the things he does for us: bacon, ham, pork, pork chops, pulled pork… and the list goes on and on. But honestly, it doesn’t matter how cute the animal is, you were born to eat meat. God gave you incisors for a reason, to rip apart the charred flesh of the lesser creatures. So get off your lazy butt and eat some pork. Otherwise God will be mad at you for not using what he gave you.

And what the heck is up with tofu? Why are people trying to replace perfectly good meat with that stuff? They make everything from tofurkey for thanksgiving to tofu-dogs for cookouts. Tofu-dogs? Now who in their right mind would refuse to eat a classic American hotdog? Terrorists, that’s who. Now I’m not saying that the Japanese, who invented tofu and use it in a variety of culinary delights, are terrorists. Far from it. But you know those Americanized flavored varieties of tofu that you see in the grocery store, the ones you’re too afraid to go over and look at because you think all your friends will call you a sissy vegetarian for eating them? Those are made by Al Qaeada. So if you’re eating that flavored tofu, you’re supporting terrorism. You vegetarians make me sick on so many levels.

Now if you’re an astute reader (and since you’re still reading this I can assume that you’re not a vegetarian and therefore you are an astute reader) then you probably noted that I referred to tomatoes as being a vegetable back in the second paragraph. If you missed it, then go back up there and check it out, its ok, I’ll be right here when you get back. So if you’re really astute, and I’m sure you are (unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case I don’t want to associate with you terrorist sympathizers), you’ll note that tomatoes are not a vegetable, but rather a fruit, scientifically speaking, of course. However, I was taught, growing up, that tomatoes were vegetables, but somewhere along the line, someone came in and changed it up on me. I think it was those shifty vegetarians. I don’t have any proof of it, but frankly, I don’t trust them.

I’m still going to call the tomato a vegetable, however. This is because in the US Supreme Court Case, Nix v. Hedden, the highest court in this country declared the tomato a vegetable. You can use all the science and botany you want, but that doesn’t trump the Supreme Court. And I for one will follow the Court’s decision because I’m proud to be an American, unlike those vegetarians.

Now I think you know why I don’t trust vegetarians, and I hope you don’t trust them anymore either. They’re a plague on this country as they descend like a pack of locusts to devour our crops and leave nothing but a barren wasteland behind. I for one will not stand for it. In fact, I’m going to show my patriotism and my love for this wonderful, this free, this brave country, this land of opportunity and liberity… by eating a hotdog.