I know I’m a little bit late today at posting a new article, but I haven’t had much time to get any real writing done lately. I’ve spent the past week with the family and most of my time has been taken up by playing cards, messing around with my new backpack, and eating junk food. So instead of getting a brand new composition today, I’m going to give you a few shorts that I wrote when I was much younger. I present you with: Stupid Inventions.
The Nuclear Beam Washing Machine
World War II technology being used in your very own home! Very exciting, huh? Your clothes have never been more clean until now. The nuclear power takes out all of the everyday particles that get stuck in between the fibers of your clothes. The secret lies within the power source of the machine. That’s right! You guessed it, it is run by nuclear power. Radon beams get shot through your clothes. This purifies the cleanliness of the articles you wear. If the clothes come out glowing green, don’t worry, it won’t hurt you too much. If your cat that sleeps behind the washing machine starts walking around and sporting two heads, don’t worry either. Your satisfaction is not guaranteed. We are not responsible for your buying and using our product. We use parts from old Soviet nuclear bombs that we just bought for 20 dollars a piece. So hurry up and buy now!
The Pocket Chainsaw
No more lugging around big heavy equipment for sawing. The convenient Jeff’s Army Pocket Chainsaw™ can slice ‘em and dice ‘em like any ordinary one. No more sorry Swiss Army stuff like little old knives. Just pull the cord and you’re on your way to total carnage. If you’re at work and you need to cut a cord that won’t let your knife through it, then you’re stuck. Don’t you just hate that? Just whip out one of our handy dandy Pocket Chainsaws and you’re in business. The cords will scream in terror. Cut those hedges on your front lawn you’ve been meaning to get. So order now! Buy now and you might get a Pocket Chainsaw that actually works! For best results, remember to continuously refill your Pocket Chainsaw since the handheld gas tank only holds four drops of gasoline.
The Little Child’s Choke Chain
It’s time to discipline that little brat you’ve been raising as a kid. One pull from this handy choke chain and he’ll be begging for mercy! You may have one for your dog, but now you need one for your kid. Why, you ask. Because we say so! Someone may tell you that it is just a doggie choke chain. We tell you that they are not… lying. These chains are so good that they work on those nosy adolescents of yours as well. Wow, doesn’t it feel great to have power over someone who is only half your size? We take no responsibility for you using our product. If you buy it, that’s your problem. So buy now!
The Flame ‘em Tank Lighter
Flip the switch and off you go! The Flame ‘em Tank Lighter shoots a ball of flame up to 100 feet. Before you hit the switch to light up a cigarette, make sure you line up the barrel on the tank with your cigarette or the ball of flame will fly in the other direction. (This product is not guaranteed to fire in a straight line or hit its target.) You can blow down your whole house with a shot from this baby. Give them to your friends, they’re great for a joke! Order now! (We are not responsible for any damages or losses caused by our product, the Flame ‘em Tank Lighter.)
The Amazingly Annoying Beeping Watch
Beep…Beep. No more need to look to see the time. The Amazingly Annoying Beeping Watch™ will beep every minute. You know exactly what time it is when you want to or when you don’t. You have to keep track of the time in your head because the watch only beeps, it doesn’t actually keep track of time for you. Well, the watch might not beep every minute, just every 47 to 59 seconds. But that’s alright, because there is only 23 hours and 58 minutes in a day (whatever it is that those two facts have to do with each other). Caution: Watch is not water resistant, use at your own risk in wet or damp or mildly moist or even almost dry (but not quite) areas. Wouldn’t it be a concept if someone could invent something that will actually keep track of time (accurately, of course)? But until then, order our all new Amazingly Annoying Beeping Watch™. Our logo, “Annoy your friends, family, neutral bystanders, and yourself!” Buy now!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Indeed, it is the most wonderful time of the year. And for the record, I’m not talking about Christmas. Not that there’s anything wrong with Christmas, although sometimes the holiday does confuse me a tad. A fat man in a red suit with a bunch of elves represents the birth of Jesus Christ; I’m not totally seeing the obvious connection here.
But it is the most wonderful time of the year. With the release of two new next generation video game systems, by Nintendo and Sony, a new age in interactive entertainment has blossomed. However, there’s far more than that going on than just some fancy new consoles. In the past month, more has happened in the video game industry then perhaps the last two years combined. Let us take a quick look at what has happened since November:
Guitar Hero 2 hit the shelves in early November giving me some brand new songs to rock out to. Then we had Final Fantasy 12 hit the Playstation 2 while the remake of Final Fantasy 3 dropped on the Nintendo DS. And as you know, I’m a huge fan of the Final Fantasy series. Hell, I even own Mystic Quest for my SNES (bonus points go out to those you who already know what that game is). Then there’s Gears of War, Children of Mana, Disgea 2, and far too many other titles to name in the space I have here. Oh, and there’s this little known game called the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess too. You may have heard of it.
I think by now, its safe for me to confide in you. I’ve bared enough of my soul over the past nine months that I feel almost comfortable in speaking of my feelings. Almost comfortable, but let’s face it, I’m not exactly the emotional type. That being said, I’m not afraid to tell you that I have wept, on more than one occasion, tears of absolute joy over the amount of high quality content that has come out recently for video game enthusiasts.
There is so much out there right now that I do not have the hours in my day to play all the games that I would like. Well, I guess I could have worse problems. Like cancer. I mean, that would suck, right?
Since Christmas is only days away, I thought I’d give you my thoughts on the must have gifts of the season: the Nintendo Wii, the Sony Playstation 3, and the Xbox 360. If you don’t have one of these items on your wish list (assuming you don’t already own all three), then we just can’t be friends anymore. Hey, it’s not my fault that you’re a loser.
First off, the Nintendo Wii. Ok, I’ll admit, the name scares me. It did the first time I heard it, and it continues to this day. But there are some benefits to it. It’s very catchy in some phrases. Such as, “I’m going to go home to play with my Wii.” Or, “How come girls always look at me funny when I ask them to come over and play with my Wii? I’m sure that if they’d just touch my Wii, they’d love every second they had their hands on it.”
Nintendo’s nomenclature aside, the Wii is very different from its competitors. If you’re looking for the high powered, top of the line graphics, high definition, and all that jazz, then Nintendo isn’t pandering to you. Simply put, the Wii is pure fun. I preordered mine (mainly because I’m a huge dork like that) and it is truly the most fun I have ever had with a console (even my Nintendo DS, which I have been known to take out to a romantic dinner on the occasion).
Case in point: a guy I work with, who had previously mocked Nintendo for their lack of processing power and true next-generation graphics, had a chance to sit down (or stand, as it was) and play a few rounds of the Wii sports package. The next day he was thinking of going out and purchasing a Wii just for that game (which comes included with the console). In all honestly, once you get a chance to get your hands on the console and play a few games, you’ll have the video game experience of your life. And trust me, the best is yet to come. Although, I still don’t understand why girls seem so upset when I ask them to touch my Wii. I just don’t get it.
The downside comes when I turn the system on. For some reason, whenever I power up my Wii, I don’t turn it off until six hours later at the minimum. I can’t tell you how many days in a row I’ve stayed up until 5am playing on that thing. And that can’t be healthy. Oh, and as for the stories going around about people losing their grip on the Wii-mote and having it fly out of their hands and breaking expensive plasma TVs and tearing holes in drywall, well, all I can say is: baloney. Two Fridays ago I was at a party with no less than 20 people who were well intoxicated and took turns playing Wii sports. Not a single Wii-mote was dropped or otherwise inadvertently used as a projectile. And trust me, my shirt reeked of spilled tequila halfway through that party, so I know everyone was enjoying themselves on the liquor front. So if you break something with your Wii-mote, it is 100% completely user error. Don’t blame it on Nintendo. If a bunch of drunken idiots can play without breaking anything, I’m sure you can too.
Well, there’s not much I can say about the Playstation 3 other than the fact that I’m still not convinced that it actually exists. I have yet to see a tangible model. Sure, I’ve seen the creepy TV commercials that feature what appears to be a demented baby (with no actual footage of game play). And honestly, they scare me. But until I get one of these mythical consoles in my hand, I will continue with my skepticism. I suppose I should believe in the Playstation 3. I suppose I should believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy as well. But I don’t. And even if I did, why would I want to buy one? Last I checked, Sony was charging $600, a DNA sample for cloning purposes, the rights to turn your house into a nuclear waste dump, and your firstborn son. And that’s just for the console! Who knows what they’re charging for the games.
Nintendo sells their console at $250 a pop and makes money on every one sold. Sony, on the other hand, loses money every time they sell a Playstation 3 for $600. Just some food for thought.
And now we get to the Xbox 360. This is Microsoft’s second foray into the console market, and to be honest, I’m impressed. Even though it has been out for a year now, the system is still very powerful and plays great graphics, especially in high definition. The price is very attractive at $399 for the “pro” console (only a blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic with down syndrome would ever think of buying the $299 “core” console… and even then, he’d have to be really drunk) since it is a full $200 cheaper than the Playstation 3.
The real strength of the Xbox 360 lies in the fact that it has been selling for an entire year. The ensuing titles launched for the system since its inception make it very attractive, and it is far easier to get a hold of the console than either of its competitors. Gears of War and Dead Rising are two games I would seriously love to play in all their high definition glory. And best of all, I have yet to see the blue screen of death appear on any Xbox console. I would have never guessed that Microsoft had it in them.
So there you have it, my take on the video game season of 2006. And from what I’ve been told, Christmas is less than a week away, so you’d better hurry up with that last minute shopping. I hope the information I’ve provided can help you in that aspect. If the ones you’re shopping for have absolutely no interest in the above, then really, there’s no reason to love them anymore. Oh, and why you’re out, do you think you can find some girls who want to play with my Wii? It’s in dire need of some multiplayer action, if you know what I mean.
But it is the most wonderful time of the year. With the release of two new next generation video game systems, by Nintendo and Sony, a new age in interactive entertainment has blossomed. However, there’s far more than that going on than just some fancy new consoles. In the past month, more has happened in the video game industry then perhaps the last two years combined. Let us take a quick look at what has happened since November:
Guitar Hero 2 hit the shelves in early November giving me some brand new songs to rock out to. Then we had Final Fantasy 12 hit the Playstation 2 while the remake of Final Fantasy 3 dropped on the Nintendo DS. And as you know, I’m a huge fan of the Final Fantasy series. Hell, I even own Mystic Quest for my SNES (bonus points go out to those you who already know what that game is). Then there’s Gears of War, Children of Mana, Disgea 2, and far too many other titles to name in the space I have here. Oh, and there’s this little known game called the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess too. You may have heard of it.
I think by now, its safe for me to confide in you. I’ve bared enough of my soul over the past nine months that I feel almost comfortable in speaking of my feelings. Almost comfortable, but let’s face it, I’m not exactly the emotional type. That being said, I’m not afraid to tell you that I have wept, on more than one occasion, tears of absolute joy over the amount of high quality content that has come out recently for video game enthusiasts.
There is so much out there right now that I do not have the hours in my day to play all the games that I would like. Well, I guess I could have worse problems. Like cancer. I mean, that would suck, right?
Since Christmas is only days away, I thought I’d give you my thoughts on the must have gifts of the season: the Nintendo Wii, the Sony Playstation 3, and the Xbox 360. If you don’t have one of these items on your wish list (assuming you don’t already own all three), then we just can’t be friends anymore. Hey, it’s not my fault that you’re a loser.
First off, the Nintendo Wii. Ok, I’ll admit, the name scares me. It did the first time I heard it, and it continues to this day. But there are some benefits to it. It’s very catchy in some phrases. Such as, “I’m going to go home to play with my Wii.” Or, “How come girls always look at me funny when I ask them to come over and play with my Wii? I’m sure that if they’d just touch my Wii, they’d love every second they had their hands on it.”
Nintendo’s nomenclature aside, the Wii is very different from its competitors. If you’re looking for the high powered, top of the line graphics, high definition, and all that jazz, then Nintendo isn’t pandering to you. Simply put, the Wii is pure fun. I preordered mine (mainly because I’m a huge dork like that) and it is truly the most fun I have ever had with a console (even my Nintendo DS, which I have been known to take out to a romantic dinner on the occasion).
Case in point: a guy I work with, who had previously mocked Nintendo for their lack of processing power and true next-generation graphics, had a chance to sit down (or stand, as it was) and play a few rounds of the Wii sports package. The next day he was thinking of going out and purchasing a Wii just for that game (which comes included with the console). In all honestly, once you get a chance to get your hands on the console and play a few games, you’ll have the video game experience of your life. And trust me, the best is yet to come. Although, I still don’t understand why girls seem so upset when I ask them to touch my Wii. I just don’t get it.
The downside comes when I turn the system on. For some reason, whenever I power up my Wii, I don’t turn it off until six hours later at the minimum. I can’t tell you how many days in a row I’ve stayed up until 5am playing on that thing. And that can’t be healthy. Oh, and as for the stories going around about people losing their grip on the Wii-mote and having it fly out of their hands and breaking expensive plasma TVs and tearing holes in drywall, well, all I can say is: baloney. Two Fridays ago I was at a party with no less than 20 people who were well intoxicated and took turns playing Wii sports. Not a single Wii-mote was dropped or otherwise inadvertently used as a projectile. And trust me, my shirt reeked of spilled tequila halfway through that party, so I know everyone was enjoying themselves on the liquor front. So if you break something with your Wii-mote, it is 100% completely user error. Don’t blame it on Nintendo. If a bunch of drunken idiots can play without breaking anything, I’m sure you can too.
Well, there’s not much I can say about the Playstation 3 other than the fact that I’m still not convinced that it actually exists. I have yet to see a tangible model. Sure, I’ve seen the creepy TV commercials that feature what appears to be a demented baby (with no actual footage of game play). And honestly, they scare me. But until I get one of these mythical consoles in my hand, I will continue with my skepticism. I suppose I should believe in the Playstation 3. I suppose I should believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy as well. But I don’t. And even if I did, why would I want to buy one? Last I checked, Sony was charging $600, a DNA sample for cloning purposes, the rights to turn your house into a nuclear waste dump, and your firstborn son. And that’s just for the console! Who knows what they’re charging for the games.
Nintendo sells their console at $250 a pop and makes money on every one sold. Sony, on the other hand, loses money every time they sell a Playstation 3 for $600. Just some food for thought.
And now we get to the Xbox 360. This is Microsoft’s second foray into the console market, and to be honest, I’m impressed. Even though it has been out for a year now, the system is still very powerful and plays great graphics, especially in high definition. The price is very attractive at $399 for the “pro” console (only a blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic with down syndrome would ever think of buying the $299 “core” console… and even then, he’d have to be really drunk) since it is a full $200 cheaper than the Playstation 3.
The real strength of the Xbox 360 lies in the fact that it has been selling for an entire year. The ensuing titles launched for the system since its inception make it very attractive, and it is far easier to get a hold of the console than either of its competitors. Gears of War and Dead Rising are two games I would seriously love to play in all their high definition glory. And best of all, I have yet to see the blue screen of death appear on any Xbox console. I would have never guessed that Microsoft had it in them.
So there you have it, my take on the video game season of 2006. And from what I’ve been told, Christmas is less than a week away, so you’d better hurry up with that last minute shopping. I hope the information I’ve provided can help you in that aspect. If the ones you’re shopping for have absolutely no interest in the above, then really, there’s no reason to love them anymore. Oh, and why you’re out, do you think you can find some girls who want to play with my Wii? It’s in dire need of some multiplayer action, if you know what I mean.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I Wish I Was a Sentimental Ornament
Did you see the game Monday night? I know there’s all sorts of exciting shows about “heroes” on Monday nights (even though I still say the X-Men animated series that aired on Fox back in the 90’s was way better), but how can you pass up a chance to watch Chicago play football? Well, I can’t. Living in North Carolina is nice, but one drawback is that network television doesn’t broadcast NFC North games (that’s Midwestern teams) in this area. But hey, Monday Night Football is nationally broadcasted, thank you ESPN.
So did you see it? Did you see Rex Grossman not cough the ball up a single time? Did you see Devin Hester run for two touchdowns on kick off returns (breaking the single season return for TD record)? And that is especially spectacular seeing as how on his second TD kick-off return the Bears had “the hands” team on the field. Basically that means he had the skinny wide receivers and defensive backs blocking for him, and he still ran the ball right up the middle and into the end zone. Not only is he that good, but after the game in an interview he gave credit for his accomplishments to God, his teammates, and to his mommy. Aww, isn’t that nice? I’m just glad to see that at least one person who came through the University of Miami’s program in recent years isn’t a total screw up.
But hey, if you want to know all about the football game, you can go over to ESPN.com or you can be like me and check out the story on the Chicago Bears official site. Yes, I’m that big of a Bears fan boy. Feel free to make fun of me. Also, Rex Grossman is my hero. Feel free to make fun of me again.
Ok, now that I got all of that out of my system (DAAA BEARS!)… yes, now that it’s all out of my system, I can get on with this weeks silliness. So, it’s the holidays, and yes now that Thanksgiving is over, so it’s officially the holidays. It’s the time of year for so many things: overplayed songs, fat jolly men, elves (when the hell did a Lord of the Rings character get to be a Christmas symbol?), candy canes, and last minute shopping. And I’d like to take some time to talk about the last one, if I can.
I’ve never been a huge fan of holiday shopping. Let’s face it; I’ve never been a huge fan of shopping for anything. Heck, I go clothes shopping maybe twice a year, and that’s only if a cute blonde drags me to the mall so she can pick up a new pair of outrageously priced pants. Have I ever told you how much of a sucker I am for a girl in tight pants?
But I regress. I was talking about Christmas shopping before I got waylaid by images of blonde cheerleaders dancing in my head (sugarplums are totally overrated). You know, there are parts to the holiday that are really fun. On Christmas morning, when you see a loved one open up a present and they are surprised and overjoyed at the wonderful gift you bought them, it’s just an awesome feeling. It would be great if I could do that each and every year. Unfortunately, it isn’t always easy picking out gifts for people.
Let’s talk about my dad for a few minutes. What do you get a man who already has a table saw, drill press, router table, and a planer? At this point in his life he has more variable speed power drills than most small nations, so I can’t get him one of those. Although, let’s be honest here, a man can never have too many power drills, that is just a solid fact. So trying to find a gift for him isn’t the easiest of mental exercises. But I managed to pick him up something that I think he’ll get some use out of… hopefully.
And then there’s my mom. Two years ago I bought her a book. To this day I still don’t think she’s read it. I have to cut her some slack though, since the school she works at made her head of her department this year, despite the fact that she and my dad will be moving next summer (yes, because having someone for only one year in a leadership role makes complete sense). Last year I got her some loaf pans because she’s a bit of a baking fiend around the holidays. And that doesn’t exactly do wonders for my waist line (it’s sad that I have to worry about that, I must be getting old). I moved away from bake ware this year, so I hope she likes what I bought her.
Then there’s my brother. Luckily he decided that we shouldn’t exchange presents anymore. This makes my job tons easier seeing as how my brother has always been hard when it came to the holiday gift giving. Upon hearing this, he quickly rebuked that he was not in any way difficult to shop for. Apparently he forgot all about the nine hour stalk for a winter jacket that spanned between two different cities, back when he was in high school. Let me tell you, those were fun times. And by fun, I mean they were horrible. I already had a winter jacket. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play my Super Nintendo (this was a few year back, you know), but no, I had to be dragged along all over the place just so my brother could finally pick out an overpriced, dull, brown coat. Thanks big brother, you’re really an inspiration to me.
Well, that’s the end of my list. Two gifts, shortest Christmas shopping list ever! As you can see, there are no females to shop for this year. Fortunately, I was able to dodge any and all relationship attempts for the past month or so. I think you all know that by mid-November you need to check romantic interactions and wait for the holidays to pass. Personally I think that between November 15th and February 15th, you should avoid dating and relationships. It saves you tons of money and trouble. And trust me, there’s always trouble.
If you happen to already be in a relationship prior to the avoidance period, that’s perfectly ok. Your girlfriend (or wife or fiancé or what-have-you) has sufficiently stuck around and put up with your crap long enough, that she deserves to be rewarded with a present. Just remember to follow the guidelines: no jewelry for the first year, no diamonds unless you plan to marry her, no puppies at all (yes I know they’re cute, but who do you think is going to have to clean up after it?), and you’re only allowed to get her a scented candle once (generally at your first shared Christmas/birthday/anniversary).
Oh, and just a helpful note. Your feminine significant other might tell you that you don’t have to do anything special for the holiday. Let me translate this for you, since some guys seem to not get the hint. What she’s really saying is: “You have to do something special for me. Because if you don’t I will be very hurt and will feel like you don’t love or care about me. And your chances of getting laid will drop significantly.” Hey, I may not understand women (and I probably never will), but you really need to trust me on this one. You know as well as I do that women tend to misstate the truth at times.
As for me, I have a pretty short list this year. I merely asked for a Gregory Palisade backpack , Final Fantasy 12 for the Playstation 2, and Final Fantasy 3 for the Nintendo DS. And if you must know, yes, I’m a Final Fantasy fan boy as well. So please, by all means, feel free to make fun of me yet one more time.
So did you see it? Did you see Rex Grossman not cough the ball up a single time? Did you see Devin Hester run for two touchdowns on kick off returns (breaking the single season return for TD record)? And that is especially spectacular seeing as how on his second TD kick-off return the Bears had “the hands” team on the field. Basically that means he had the skinny wide receivers and defensive backs blocking for him, and he still ran the ball right up the middle and into the end zone. Not only is he that good, but after the game in an interview he gave credit for his accomplishments to God, his teammates, and to his mommy. Aww, isn’t that nice? I’m just glad to see that at least one person who came through the University of Miami’s program in recent years isn’t a total screw up.
But hey, if you want to know all about the football game, you can go over to ESPN.com or you can be like me and check out the story on the Chicago Bears official site. Yes, I’m that big of a Bears fan boy. Feel free to make fun of me. Also, Rex Grossman is my hero. Feel free to make fun of me again.
Ok, now that I got all of that out of my system (DAAA BEARS!)… yes, now that it’s all out of my system, I can get on with this weeks silliness. So, it’s the holidays, and yes now that Thanksgiving is over, so it’s officially the holidays. It’s the time of year for so many things: overplayed songs, fat jolly men, elves (when the hell did a Lord of the Rings character get to be a Christmas symbol?), candy canes, and last minute shopping. And I’d like to take some time to talk about the last one, if I can.
I’ve never been a huge fan of holiday shopping. Let’s face it; I’ve never been a huge fan of shopping for anything. Heck, I go clothes shopping maybe twice a year, and that’s only if a cute blonde drags me to the mall so she can pick up a new pair of outrageously priced pants. Have I ever told you how much of a sucker I am for a girl in tight pants?
But I regress. I was talking about Christmas shopping before I got waylaid by images of blonde cheerleaders dancing in my head (sugarplums are totally overrated). You know, there are parts to the holiday that are really fun. On Christmas morning, when you see a loved one open up a present and they are surprised and overjoyed at the wonderful gift you bought them, it’s just an awesome feeling. It would be great if I could do that each and every year. Unfortunately, it isn’t always easy picking out gifts for people.
Let’s talk about my dad for a few minutes. What do you get a man who already has a table saw, drill press, router table, and a planer? At this point in his life he has more variable speed power drills than most small nations, so I can’t get him one of those. Although, let’s be honest here, a man can never have too many power drills, that is just a solid fact. So trying to find a gift for him isn’t the easiest of mental exercises. But I managed to pick him up something that I think he’ll get some use out of… hopefully.
And then there’s my mom. Two years ago I bought her a book. To this day I still don’t think she’s read it. I have to cut her some slack though, since the school she works at made her head of her department this year, despite the fact that she and my dad will be moving next summer (yes, because having someone for only one year in a leadership role makes complete sense). Last year I got her some loaf pans because she’s a bit of a baking fiend around the holidays. And that doesn’t exactly do wonders for my waist line (it’s sad that I have to worry about that, I must be getting old). I moved away from bake ware this year, so I hope she likes what I bought her.
Then there’s my brother. Luckily he decided that we shouldn’t exchange presents anymore. This makes my job tons easier seeing as how my brother has always been hard when it came to the holiday gift giving. Upon hearing this, he quickly rebuked that he was not in any way difficult to shop for. Apparently he forgot all about the nine hour stalk for a winter jacket that spanned between two different cities, back when he was in high school. Let me tell you, those were fun times. And by fun, I mean they were horrible. I already had a winter jacket. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play my Super Nintendo (this was a few year back, you know), but no, I had to be dragged along all over the place just so my brother could finally pick out an overpriced, dull, brown coat. Thanks big brother, you’re really an inspiration to me.
Well, that’s the end of my list. Two gifts, shortest Christmas shopping list ever! As you can see, there are no females to shop for this year. Fortunately, I was able to dodge any and all relationship attempts for the past month or so. I think you all know that by mid-November you need to check romantic interactions and wait for the holidays to pass. Personally I think that between November 15th and February 15th, you should avoid dating and relationships. It saves you tons of money and trouble. And trust me, there’s always trouble.
If you happen to already be in a relationship prior to the avoidance period, that’s perfectly ok. Your girlfriend (or wife or fiancé or what-have-you) has sufficiently stuck around and put up with your crap long enough, that she deserves to be rewarded with a present. Just remember to follow the guidelines: no jewelry for the first year, no diamonds unless you plan to marry her, no puppies at all (yes I know they’re cute, but who do you think is going to have to clean up after it?), and you’re only allowed to get her a scented candle once (generally at your first shared Christmas/birthday/anniversary).
Oh, and just a helpful note. Your feminine significant other might tell you that you don’t have to do anything special for the holiday. Let me translate this for you, since some guys seem to not get the hint. What she’s really saying is: “You have to do something special for me. Because if you don’t I will be very hurt and will feel like you don’t love or care about me. And your chances of getting laid will drop significantly.” Hey, I may not understand women (and I probably never will), but you really need to trust me on this one. You know as well as I do that women tend to misstate the truth at times.
As for me, I have a pretty short list this year. I merely asked for a Gregory Palisade backpack , Final Fantasy 12 for the Playstation 2, and Final Fantasy 3 for the Nintendo DS. And if you must know, yes, I’m a Final Fantasy fan boy as well. So please, by all means, feel free to make fun of me yet one more time.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
It’s All Been Done Before
Apparently everyone is watching this new show called Heroes on NBC. I don’t have much time for TV, especially at night, so I don’t watch all that many shows. But apparently all those normal people who do have time for prime time television tune in every Monday at 9pm to watch. So this week I flipped over to watch part of the show, in between quarters of Monday Night Football, to see what it was all about.
My first impression: I think someone owes Stan Lee some money. The story revolves around regular, everyday people who turn out to have extraordinary powers that they use in an effort to stop some future calamity. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that same storyline before. I could be that it’s been done several times in the Uncanny X-Men which originally appeared back in September of 1963 (and yes, I am that big of a nerd). It’s nice to see that Hollywood writers are being so original these days.
Let’s take a quick look at the characters of this Heroes show. One has the ability to spontaneously heal, just like Wolverine. One guy can enter into a precognitive trance and is capable of revealing the future. That sounds like Destiny. One guy can phase through solid objects just like Shadow Cat (also known as Kitty Pride). There’s a chick that can psychically get people to do her bidding just by talking to them. Heck, Professor Xavier could do that without having to talk. Oh and there’s a guy who can temporarily copy the powers of any other super powered being he is around. Yeah, that was Mimic, who enjoyed a very brief stint with the original mutant X-Men (even though he wasn’t a mutant himself, his mimicry powers were gained in a chemical accident).
Now I know that the X-Men have enjoyed a rather long career in popular culture, and I’m sure it would be hard to come up with a superhero that Marvel hasn’t already covered. But seriously, what did the writers do when they originally came up with this show? Did they get high, read a few comic books and think, “Hey, let’s have a show with superheroes!” Because, honestly, that’s how I pictured this whole thing happening.
And kudos to all of you viewers out there that are tuning in every week to make Heroes such a popular show. I mean, it’s not as if mainstream culture has looked down upon comic books as not only childish, but also as a contributor to juvenile delinquency and a factor in crimes committed by minors. Yes, comic books are destroying the minds of your children. But it’s perfectly acceptable to have the exact same storyline and themes in a television show. I don’t see any hypocrisy there. Nope. None at all.
There is one thing that is really bothering me about this show. This whole “Save the cheerleader, save the world,” line is totally uncalled for. I know that cheerleaders are very popular in this country and yes, we all love them. But when is it ever possible that the fate of the entire planet hinges on a cheerleader? I’m sorry, but I just cannot accept that. The studio execs are feeding on the baser instincts of their viewers by offering up this cheerleader style fantasy. I’m pretty sure this sort of thing in comic books is deemed unacceptable by the populace.
Oh, and the cheerleader, the one with the Wolverine-like healing factor, she’s supposed to be a high school kid who’s only about 17 years old. She’s also one of the few powered females of the cast, and apparently, the most important one. So they’ve dressed up a 17 year old girl and put her in a cheerleading outfit so she can prance around during a timeslot reserved for an older, more mature audience. I’ll like to congratulate NBC for turning out quality TV for pedophiles everywhere. Good job.
I think that the X-Men comics were a much better entertainment venue than this TV show. Mainly, I believe that the Uncanny X-Men were a much deeper and socially motivated enterprise than Heroes. See, the original X-Men comic book debuted in 1963, as I noted earlier, and coincided with the civil rights movement. Even though the original cast of the X-Men was a strikingly homogeneous mix of white protestant types, the relations of mutants to normal humans in the comic bore an intense similarity to the race relations of the day. The hatred and animosity that many normal humans had towards mutants is an artistic symbolism to the civil rights movement and to the plight of minorities in general. The comic series is intended mainly for entertainment value but it obviously includes much deeper social motifs. The TV show “Heroes,” however, is merely exploiting the superhero archetype in order to gain viewers.
I’d also like to point out one other quick reason why X-Men is a better franchise. Colossus could easily kick the crap out of all of the characters on Heroes. Heck, he could probably take them all at once. Not only was he the only mutant capable of standing up to the Unstoppable Juggernaut (whose powers were demonic, not mutant), but he also had a kickin’ Russian accent. This is why he is the coolest mutant ever, not Wolverine. Yes, I know that Wolverine is the big favorite and all, but really, he’s just overrated.
I mean, Wolverine is from Canada for crying out loud (or as I like to call it, American Jr.). Heck, I’m surprised that Department H never used the samples of his blood so they could recreate his healing factor in all Canadians as a part of their nationalized healthcare. Honestly, that would save the taxpayers millions of dollars every year and probably also provide superior healthcare. Hey, that kind of progressive healthcare plan worked wonders for Deadpool, it cured up his cancer real quick.
I do have to say one good thing about Heroes. It comes on right before my favorite show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip at 10pm. This show has everything: great acting, good original story, and most importantly, amazing writing. It is intelligent, quick paced, and very funny. The show is an entire hour long but I think it’s far too short and doesn’t do the show justice. Hey, it may not have any superheroes or 17 year old cheerleaders, but trust me on this one, I was 17 once, and those high school cheerleaders are totally not worth it.
My first impression: I think someone owes Stan Lee some money. The story revolves around regular, everyday people who turn out to have extraordinary powers that they use in an effort to stop some future calamity. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that same storyline before. I could be that it’s been done several times in the Uncanny X-Men which originally appeared back in September of 1963 (and yes, I am that big of a nerd). It’s nice to see that Hollywood writers are being so original these days.
Let’s take a quick look at the characters of this Heroes show. One has the ability to spontaneously heal, just like Wolverine. One guy can enter into a precognitive trance and is capable of revealing the future. That sounds like Destiny. One guy can phase through solid objects just like Shadow Cat (also known as Kitty Pride). There’s a chick that can psychically get people to do her bidding just by talking to them. Heck, Professor Xavier could do that without having to talk. Oh and there’s a guy who can temporarily copy the powers of any other super powered being he is around. Yeah, that was Mimic, who enjoyed a very brief stint with the original mutant X-Men (even though he wasn’t a mutant himself, his mimicry powers were gained in a chemical accident).
Now I know that the X-Men have enjoyed a rather long career in popular culture, and I’m sure it would be hard to come up with a superhero that Marvel hasn’t already covered. But seriously, what did the writers do when they originally came up with this show? Did they get high, read a few comic books and think, “Hey, let’s have a show with superheroes!” Because, honestly, that’s how I pictured this whole thing happening.
And kudos to all of you viewers out there that are tuning in every week to make Heroes such a popular show. I mean, it’s not as if mainstream culture has looked down upon comic books as not only childish, but also as a contributor to juvenile delinquency and a factor in crimes committed by minors. Yes, comic books are destroying the minds of your children. But it’s perfectly acceptable to have the exact same storyline and themes in a television show. I don’t see any hypocrisy there. Nope. None at all.
There is one thing that is really bothering me about this show. This whole “Save the cheerleader, save the world,” line is totally uncalled for. I know that cheerleaders are very popular in this country and yes, we all love them. But when is it ever possible that the fate of the entire planet hinges on a cheerleader? I’m sorry, but I just cannot accept that. The studio execs are feeding on the baser instincts of their viewers by offering up this cheerleader style fantasy. I’m pretty sure this sort of thing in comic books is deemed unacceptable by the populace.
Oh, and the cheerleader, the one with the Wolverine-like healing factor, she’s supposed to be a high school kid who’s only about 17 years old. She’s also one of the few powered females of the cast, and apparently, the most important one. So they’ve dressed up a 17 year old girl and put her in a cheerleading outfit so she can prance around during a timeslot reserved for an older, more mature audience. I’ll like to congratulate NBC for turning out quality TV for pedophiles everywhere. Good job.
I think that the X-Men comics were a much better entertainment venue than this TV show. Mainly, I believe that the Uncanny X-Men were a much deeper and socially motivated enterprise than Heroes. See, the original X-Men comic book debuted in 1963, as I noted earlier, and coincided with the civil rights movement. Even though the original cast of the X-Men was a strikingly homogeneous mix of white protestant types, the relations of mutants to normal humans in the comic bore an intense similarity to the race relations of the day. The hatred and animosity that many normal humans had towards mutants is an artistic symbolism to the civil rights movement and to the plight of minorities in general. The comic series is intended mainly for entertainment value but it obviously includes much deeper social motifs. The TV show “Heroes,” however, is merely exploiting the superhero archetype in order to gain viewers.
I’d also like to point out one other quick reason why X-Men is a better franchise. Colossus could easily kick the crap out of all of the characters on Heroes. Heck, he could probably take them all at once. Not only was he the only mutant capable of standing up to the Unstoppable Juggernaut (whose powers were demonic, not mutant), but he also had a kickin’ Russian accent. This is why he is the coolest mutant ever, not Wolverine. Yes, I know that Wolverine is the big favorite and all, but really, he’s just overrated.
I mean, Wolverine is from Canada for crying out loud (or as I like to call it, American Jr.). Heck, I’m surprised that Department H never used the samples of his blood so they could recreate his healing factor in all Canadians as a part of their nationalized healthcare. Honestly, that would save the taxpayers millions of dollars every year and probably also provide superior healthcare. Hey, that kind of progressive healthcare plan worked wonders for Deadpool, it cured up his cancer real quick.
I do have to say one good thing about Heroes. It comes on right before my favorite show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip at 10pm. This show has everything: great acting, good original story, and most importantly, amazing writing. It is intelligent, quick paced, and very funny. The show is an entire hour long but I think it’s far too short and doesn’t do the show justice. Hey, it may not have any superheroes or 17 year old cheerleaders, but trust me on this one, I was 17 once, and those high school cheerleaders are totally not worth it.
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