A friend of mine was looking to get rid of her futon. Apparently she didn’t want it taking up any more space in her apartment. I can understand that, free space can be at a premium these days. So last week I swung by her place and took the futon off her hands. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s taking other people’s furniture. Heck, I’m pretty sure 80% of the fixtures in my apartment were bought by someone other than me. I guess my apartment is a retirement home for old furniture. Which is cool, since spending money on new furnishings cuts into my video game budget.
So, last Wednesday, I was at a friend’s apartment, taking apart her futon. Now, just to set the record straight, being “mechanical” is usually the sort thing that my older brother or my father does. I didn’t quite inherit the family grease monkey genes. But that’s ok with me. I am quite proficient with other things, like, um… being creative. Seriously, you should see what I’m capable of doing with a can of whipped cream and some chocolate syrup. Hey, whipped cream and chocolate syrup make everything better. And I do mean everything.
Getting back to last Wednesday. Now I know enough about wrenches and screws and whatnot that I can take care of most of my mechanical needs. Which is a good thing. Manly men are supposed to know how to fix things. Though for the record, I much prefer to break things, it is ever so gratifying. So, taking apart that futon to make it easier to transport was no problem. It only took a few minutes for me to take the back off of it and it was ready for the short car ride to my place.
There is an advantage to driving a twelve year old man wagon (nicknamed the m’agon for short). With the rear seats folded down, I can fit all kinds of things in my car. In fact, I’ve been able to haul more furniture around than most SUVs. And on top of that, I get way better gas mileage. Needless to say, I don’t think I’m going to be buying an H2 any time soon.
My friend was worried about me since I’d have to carry all three pieces of the slightly disassembled futon into my apartment by myself (the main assembly, the removed back, and the futon pad). I told her not to worry because I’m a guy, and carrying heavy things is what guys do. In fact, I’d probably carry any number of outrageously heavy objects up numerous flights of stairs just to prove my manliness. I’m just vain like that. Heck, I still remember dragging the box spring to my bed up the two flights of stairs by myself to my apartment at two in the morning. Oh yeah, those were good times.
Needless to say, I got the new futon up into my apartment with little fanfare. It took three trips, but I handled it without any worries whatsoever. I’m just that good. Of course, after getting it into the apartment it just sort of sat there, in pieces, in the middle of my living room. And being the amazingly productive guy I am, it stayed there for most the rest of the day. You’d be surprised at how easy it is for me to continually climb over random clutter when the alternative requires extra work on my part.
Now, you might be wondering why I went through the trouble of acquiring a new futon, when I already have one. See, a few months back, I threw away a somewhat comfy sofa that reeked of feline monstrosities. The aging couch was my old roommate’s, and for some reason, he kept a cat as a pet. I’m not exactly a fan of beasts. I wouldn’t mind lighting every cat I come across on fire and throwing it into a ceiling fan, but that’s just me. I couldn’t very well keep a stinking sofa in my apartment, not if I want to occasionally bring over lady friends to entertain. I did have one lovely young lady who couldn’t sit on the sofa because it triggered her allergy to cats. That’s a good enough reason for me to dump it, so I did.
After dumping the old sofa, I moved my futon from its usual place in my bedroom into the living room to take the spot of the premier furniture piece. So now there’s a big empty space on the wall in my room, which is cool. It makes the bedroom seem much bigger now. I hadn’t really thought about what to do with that new free space just yet. Do you think eight feet by two is enough room to put in a microbrewery? Just asking… for no reason whatsoever.
So, I have this space in my bedroom that I figured I was going to put the new futon in. Then, an idea hit me. Why have two perfectly good futons, when I can combine them together to make one super-ultra futon? It’s like Voltron, the more you hook up, the better it gets. And I think it goes without saying, I learned most of my life lessons from the cartoons I watched growing up in the eighties.
So far, I’ve only piled up the two mattresses on my futon in the living room. And you know what? It rocks! It’s the most comfortable futon I’ve ever had the pleasure of resting my posterior on. I was worried that the top mattress would slip and slide off of the futon, but it has not; they’re both staying perfectly in place. So far, so good. But I think I can do more. I continued to disassemble the newly acquired futon frame into smaller pieces which are simply lying against my bedroom wall. And now I don’t know what to do with them.
I need to figure out how I can fuse the two metal frames of the futons into one super structure. We all know I’m not the naturally gifted mechanical type, so I’m at a bit of a loss here. If my older brother was here, we could combine his mechanical abilities with my creativity and produce something quite monstrous, I’m sure. But seeing as he lives in Indiana and the fact that we’ve never really worked well together on projects, I’ll just have to go it alone. I’m sure that I’ll come up with something eventually. I may not be able to turn my futon into a giant robotic tiger, but maybe, just maybe, I can give it a glowing energy sword with which to smite its foes. And I can call it “Fultron, Defender of the Universe.” Or maybe a bit more accurate: “Fultron, Defender of My Ass.” Or I could possibly come up with something that’s slightly less nerdy. I’ll keep you up to date on that.
For now, however, I’ll have to be content with having an overstuffed and rather comfortable futon to sit on while I watch football on the weekends. And well, I think I’m ok with that. There is nothing more important than being relaxed while watching UNC beat Miami in Chapel Hill. I’m still upset I didn’t buy tickets to that game and ended up watching it from home. Oh well, maybe next time. At least the Tar Heels are doing better than NC State. And you know what? That’s all I could ask for.
Oh, and Brian Griese, if you keeping winning games for the Chicago Bears, I can overlook the fact that you took Rex Grossman’s starting position. I may be Rex’s biggest fan, but let’s face it, I desperately want the Bears to win. And if Lovie Smith says Griese is the guy to do it, then Griese is the guy. DAAA BEARS!
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Bye, Bye Mr. Grossman
According to the Chicago Suns-Time (and other media sources), Brian Griese will be starting for the Chicago Bears when they play the Detroit Lions on Sunday. This means that my personal hero, and favorite NFL player, Rex Grossman, will be sitting on the sidelines for the game. To say that I’m sad is a gross understatement.
Call me an idiot, call me brain-dead and bone-headed and whatever else you will. I don’t care. If I feel like having a two-bit quarterback as my personal hero, then I’m completely entitled to it. You also entitled to laugh at me now. Don’t worry, I’m used to it. I’ve been a Chicago Blackhawks fan all my life. As a side note, Chris Chelios, a former Blackhawks defenseman, is my favorite player in the NHL and will begin this season at age 45 playing for Detroit. He’s only six years younger than my dad, and he’s playing professional hockey for one of the best teams in the nation. My father, on the other hand, has never played any sports professionally. He’s just a slacker like that.
I understand why Mr. Grossman is getting sidelined this week. And honestly, it’s probably the right thing to do. When it comes right down to it, I trust Lovie Smith. He’s brought the Bears back to glory, and when it comes to coaching in the National Football League, that man knows what he’s doing. With Chicago’s offense seriously lacking the past three weeks, the coaching staff needs to do something to shake things up and get some production on the field.
If they want my advice (and I’m guessing that they don’t, seeing as how I’ve never played a competitive game of football in my life), they should try to quit turning the ball over. Ten turnovers in three games isn’t something you want to be proud of. I’m not entirely convinced changing quarterbacks will reverse this negative trend, but it’s certainly better than waiting for the tooth fairy to fix things up for them. Because, seriously, that is just not going to happen. For the record, I am not a fan of the tooth fairy. That conniving chimerical woman owes me $1.25 in lost baby teeth. And that doesn’t include fifteen years in compound interest (hey, I was a business major in college, I know all about the powers of compound interest, and I keep track). I’ll probably have to check with my accountant to see where we are on that total these days.
If there’s one thing that’ll cure Chicago’s offensive woes, it’s playing the Detroit Lions. Hey it worked for Donovan McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles. McNabb threw for 381 yards and four touchdowns this past Sunday against the Lions. This is after having only one touchdown and one interception the past two games combined. It could be that Philadelphia is just starting to play up to their level or it could be that the Lions signed an entire high school girls cheerleading squad to play defense for them. I’m not entirely sure of that just yet. Or, who knows, it could even be their throwback uniforms granting the Eagles' recent success. You know what I'm talking about, those colorful things they were wearing on Sunday.
Ok, I need to get this off my chest. What the hell? I mean seriously, what the hell? Yes, those throwbacks were bright, and yes they were different. Kudos for that. But what acid tripping hippy in the Philadelphia Eagles organization thought that those uniforms were a good idea? (And I mean no offense to any acid tripping hippies out there, you shouldn’t be blamed for the Eagles psychedelic schemed regalia.) It reminds me, not so fondly, of the NHL’s Vancouver Canucks hockey stick jerseys from last year.
Let me give my advice now to general managers, owners, and anyone else making dressing decisions for their respective teams throughout the pantheon of sports (and I hope for this is a bit of advice that someone is actually listening to). Think before you act. No seriously, you really need to use that brain of yours for some significant intellectualism here. Before you make a decision to blow a bunch of money on new uniforms (and piss off half your fan base, and make a fool out of your team on national televisions) just ask yourself these simple questions:
1. Have I ingested any mind-altering, psychotropic drugs in the past 24 hours?
2. Did I take more than three shots of tequila during lunch?
3. Am I currently going through a rough breakup/divorce or am I suffering from a midlife crisis?
4. Do I drive a Mazda Miata?
5. Would I prefer to date a girl with a great personality over a much more attractive girl with huge cans?
6. Am I a New York Yankees fan even though I’ve never even been to the city of New York?
If you’ve answered yes to any of those questions, then chances are that you are currently incapable of making a rational, informed decision. And by all rights, at that point, you need to quit making any decisions whatsoever. Period. Instead, just walk into the nearest bar, hold up an example of the new uniforms, and ask the patrons if they think it’s ok for their local team to sport the fresh look. If you escape from the bar without being drenched in cheap beer and whiskey, then that’s a clear “go ahead” for the new jerseys. If you end up in a hospital with a severe concussion and several broken bones, you might want to rethink your latest apparel strategy.
I want the record to state, that even if a sports manager (or anyone else for that matter) ends up in the hospital or suffers any undue injuries while adhering to my advice, I’m not responsible. It is totally, completely, and irrevocably not my fault if you wish to bring back a crappy throw-back or build a new, horrendous, repulsive color scheme and/or logo. Also, managers across the sports spectrum need to be held accountable for their poor decisions when it comes to team apparel. Big time managers at professional clubhouses get paid millions of dollars, certainly they should have the wherewithal to know what doesn’t look good on their players. And if not, pay a fashion expert. I’m pretty sure you can afford it.
And I want one more thing on the record: If you drive a Mazda Miata, and you are not currently a 16 year old high school female (preferably with blonde hair), then I am not responsible for any decisions you make. It’s clear that are not mentally fit to make your own choices. And I mean no offense to Mazda or it's parent corporations.
And now I’m left with just one lingering thought. What are the chances that Green Bay will trade Brett Favre to the Chicago Bears for the rest of the season? I mean, it will give Chicago a standout quarterback, and Brett has a legitimate shot at another Super Bowl ring. It’s win-win as far as I can tell. Hey, if the chances are anywhere above 0.00%, then you can count me as one excited and insanely hopeful fanboy just eagerly waiting for February 3.
P.S. Rex Grossman is still my hero.
Call me an idiot, call me brain-dead and bone-headed and whatever else you will. I don’t care. If I feel like having a two-bit quarterback as my personal hero, then I’m completely entitled to it. You also entitled to laugh at me now. Don’t worry, I’m used to it. I’ve been a Chicago Blackhawks fan all my life. As a side note, Chris Chelios, a former Blackhawks defenseman, is my favorite player in the NHL and will begin this season at age 45 playing for Detroit. He’s only six years younger than my dad, and he’s playing professional hockey for one of the best teams in the nation. My father, on the other hand, has never played any sports professionally. He’s just a slacker like that.
I understand why Mr. Grossman is getting sidelined this week. And honestly, it’s probably the right thing to do. When it comes right down to it, I trust Lovie Smith. He’s brought the Bears back to glory, and when it comes to coaching in the National Football League, that man knows what he’s doing. With Chicago’s offense seriously lacking the past three weeks, the coaching staff needs to do something to shake things up and get some production on the field.
If they want my advice (and I’m guessing that they don’t, seeing as how I’ve never played a competitive game of football in my life), they should try to quit turning the ball over. Ten turnovers in three games isn’t something you want to be proud of. I’m not entirely convinced changing quarterbacks will reverse this negative trend, but it’s certainly better than waiting for the tooth fairy to fix things up for them. Because, seriously, that is just not going to happen. For the record, I am not a fan of the tooth fairy. That conniving chimerical woman owes me $1.25 in lost baby teeth. And that doesn’t include fifteen years in compound interest (hey, I was a business major in college, I know all about the powers of compound interest, and I keep track). I’ll probably have to check with my accountant to see where we are on that total these days.
If there’s one thing that’ll cure Chicago’s offensive woes, it’s playing the Detroit Lions. Hey it worked for Donovan McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles. McNabb threw for 381 yards and four touchdowns this past Sunday against the Lions. This is after having only one touchdown and one interception the past two games combined. It could be that Philadelphia is just starting to play up to their level or it could be that the Lions signed an entire high school girls cheerleading squad to play defense for them. I’m not entirely sure of that just yet. Or, who knows, it could even be their throwback uniforms granting the Eagles' recent success. You know what I'm talking about, those colorful things they were wearing on Sunday.
Ok, I need to get this off my chest. What the hell? I mean seriously, what the hell? Yes, those throwbacks were bright, and yes they were different. Kudos for that. But what acid tripping hippy in the Philadelphia Eagles organization thought that those uniforms were a good idea? (And I mean no offense to any acid tripping hippies out there, you shouldn’t be blamed for the Eagles psychedelic schemed regalia.) It reminds me, not so fondly, of the NHL’s Vancouver Canucks hockey stick jerseys from last year.
Let me give my advice now to general managers, owners, and anyone else making dressing decisions for their respective teams throughout the pantheon of sports (and I hope for this is a bit of advice that someone is actually listening to). Think before you act. No seriously, you really need to use that brain of yours for some significant intellectualism here. Before you make a decision to blow a bunch of money on new uniforms (and piss off half your fan base, and make a fool out of your team on national televisions) just ask yourself these simple questions:
1. Have I ingested any mind-altering, psychotropic drugs in the past 24 hours?
2. Did I take more than three shots of tequila during lunch?
3. Am I currently going through a rough breakup/divorce or am I suffering from a midlife crisis?
4. Do I drive a Mazda Miata?
5. Would I prefer to date a girl with a great personality over a much more attractive girl with huge cans?
6. Am I a New York Yankees fan even though I’ve never even been to the city of New York?
If you’ve answered yes to any of those questions, then chances are that you are currently incapable of making a rational, informed decision. And by all rights, at that point, you need to quit making any decisions whatsoever. Period. Instead, just walk into the nearest bar, hold up an example of the new uniforms, and ask the patrons if they think it’s ok for their local team to sport the fresh look. If you escape from the bar without being drenched in cheap beer and whiskey, then that’s a clear “go ahead” for the new jerseys. If you end up in a hospital with a severe concussion and several broken bones, you might want to rethink your latest apparel strategy.
I want the record to state, that even if a sports manager (or anyone else for that matter) ends up in the hospital or suffers any undue injuries while adhering to my advice, I’m not responsible. It is totally, completely, and irrevocably not my fault if you wish to bring back a crappy throw-back or build a new, horrendous, repulsive color scheme and/or logo. Also, managers across the sports spectrum need to be held accountable for their poor decisions when it comes to team apparel. Big time managers at professional clubhouses get paid millions of dollars, certainly they should have the wherewithal to know what doesn’t look good on their players. And if not, pay a fashion expert. I’m pretty sure you can afford it.
And I want one more thing on the record: If you drive a Mazda Miata, and you are not currently a 16 year old high school female (preferably with blonde hair), then I am not responsible for any decisions you make. It’s clear that are not mentally fit to make your own choices. And I mean no offense to Mazda or it's parent corporations.
And now I’m left with just one lingering thought. What are the chances that Green Bay will trade Brett Favre to the Chicago Bears for the rest of the season? I mean, it will give Chicago a standout quarterback, and Brett has a legitimate shot at another Super Bowl ring. It’s win-win as far as I can tell. Hey, if the chances are anywhere above 0.00%, then you can count me as one excited and insanely hopeful fanboy just eagerly waiting for February 3.
P.S. Rex Grossman is still my hero.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
My Wii is Totally Bigger Than Yours
Well, I haven’t talked about video games in a while, so I think it’s time I did. Mainly I want to talk about my Wii. Hey, I’m a guy, I’m obsessed with my Wii. That’s just how it is. And I’m going to brag about it as much as possible, because I have one and many of you out there don’t. So Nyah!
My renewed interest in gaming has been brought on partially by my friend Anthony who is staying with me until the end of the week. We’ve been battling back and forth on some Wii Sports, and I’ve narrowly missed being hit in the head on multiple occasions. As it turns out, Anthony really gets into his tennis. On a whim, I ran out yesterday and bought Madden 2007 (that’s NFL Football for those of you living in caves out there). The new version of Madden comes out on August 14th, so the price of the old game has dropped considerably. And in this age of $600 priced consoles, I need every single dollar I can save. For the record, for six hundred friggin dollars, that Sony console better damn well transform into Blaster or at least Soundwave.
If you haven’t played Madden on the Wii, then you haven’t played Madden football before. I mean, wow. The controls aren’t perfect, and it takes a little getting used to, but the game is sheer awesomeness. You know, if awesomeness was tangible and you could turn it into a compact disc and shove it into my Nintendo, then yeah, that’d be Madden. I can only expect that the next installment is going to be even better. My only real reason for picking up an updated copy of the game in two months would be to get Devin Hester’s upgraded performance. Oh yeah, Chicago is going to be the best team in the game just because you’ll be able to run back every kick off with them.
I’m not sure if I have to say this, but I spent the better part of the day yesterday playing simulated football. It was fun, it was a fresh new way to play Madden, and it was tiring. In fact, my arms are still a bit sore from attempting to get Rex Grossman to rifle the ball to his receivers. A “laser-rocket” arm, he has not. Well, ok, maybe I only passed to Muhsin Muhammad, but in my defense, Chicago really isn’t much of a well rounded passing team.
The moral of this story? My arm hurts. And to top it off, I have a hockey game tonight. If we lose our hockey game, well, it’s just going to be EA’s fault. And I have absolutely no qualms about blaming my lack of ability on a video game designer. Pride is not something I worry about too often. On the plus side, my Wii-antics are actually a great form of exercise. According to a U.K. study, playing 12 hours of Wii Sports a week will burn off an estimated 1,800 calories. That could translate into a weight loss of 12 kilograms (or 26.4 pounds for those of you not entirely comfortable with alien metrics) over a prolonged period of time.
This shouldn’t be anything new. I mean, playing with my Wii has always burned off a few extra calories at the end of the day. And I’ve always found that playing with my Wii is a great way to jump start my morning and get me energized. Now I have scientific proof (and yes, one study conducted across the Atlantic does qualify as infallible proof) that playing with my Wii is good for my body. I just think I should point out that girls can get a fantastic work out as well by coming over and playing with my Wii. Every girl who has gotten her hands on my Wii so far has enjoyed it immensely. I’m just putting that out there.
Well, if we’re done with the double entendres (and I’m not entirely sure that I am just yet), we can move on to more important matters: football. I hadn’t realized how much I missed the sport until I eviscerated a guy with Brian Urlacher yesterday. Seriously, that was awesome. I can’t wait to see him do that in real life. And I only have to wait until the season starts on Sunday, September 9th. That’s not too far off now, is it?
No seriously, football season needs to hurry up. If for no other reason then it will give the guys on Sports Center something to talk about. The NBA finals and NHL finals are both over, and were both skipped over by the mass of the populace. Although I’m sure the three people watching game five of the Stanley Cup enjoyed it immeasurably. And let’s be honest with ourselves here, you can only say so much about baseball.
And so the countdown begins. The NFL draft is over, along with free-agency for the off-season, so now it’s time to size up all of the teams and pick out our favorites to win. Or it would be if that made any sense. Yes, sure the Patriots had great off-season acquisitions, and sure the Chargers may have problems without a coaching staff (I think one of the janitors got promoted to offensive coordinator) and for sure the Bears will make the playoffs again if only for the sole reason that their division sucks (and I mean no offense to Brett Farve, but aside from Chicago’s defense, the NFC north doesn’t have much to be lauded these days). But I was thinking, and really, this is just a crazy idea, that maybe we should wait until the actual season starts before we go all crazy with our football-talk. I mean, after the first two weeks, all of the guys on ESPN will be switching their picks for conference winners anyway. So do you think you can spare me from some of the needless confabulation now? Maybe…? No? No, I didn’t think so. Guess I’ll just have to watch cartoons instead of ESPN until the season starts. Darn.
And just for the record, I don’t care if Rex Grossman isn’t a Peyton Manning, or a Tom Brady, or a Donovan McNabb, or even a Jeff Garcia, or that third string guy who plays for the 49ers (he may have completed a pass once or twice in his life, I think)… I really don’t care about any of that, Rex is still my hero.
Don’t forget, only two more weeks until the new Transformers movie (for better or worse). As I have been compulsorily required to do by my love of all things Transformers, here is this week’s quote:
“Me Grimlock no bozo. Me king!”
-Grimlock
My renewed interest in gaming has been brought on partially by my friend Anthony who is staying with me until the end of the week. We’ve been battling back and forth on some Wii Sports, and I’ve narrowly missed being hit in the head on multiple occasions. As it turns out, Anthony really gets into his tennis. On a whim, I ran out yesterday and bought Madden 2007 (that’s NFL Football for those of you living in caves out there). The new version of Madden comes out on August 14th, so the price of the old game has dropped considerably. And in this age of $600 priced consoles, I need every single dollar I can save. For the record, for six hundred friggin dollars, that Sony console better damn well transform into Blaster or at least Soundwave.
If you haven’t played Madden on the Wii, then you haven’t played Madden football before. I mean, wow. The controls aren’t perfect, and it takes a little getting used to, but the game is sheer awesomeness. You know, if awesomeness was tangible and you could turn it into a compact disc and shove it into my Nintendo, then yeah, that’d be Madden. I can only expect that the next installment is going to be even better. My only real reason for picking up an updated copy of the game in two months would be to get Devin Hester’s upgraded performance. Oh yeah, Chicago is going to be the best team in the game just because you’ll be able to run back every kick off with them.
I’m not sure if I have to say this, but I spent the better part of the day yesterday playing simulated football. It was fun, it was a fresh new way to play Madden, and it was tiring. In fact, my arms are still a bit sore from attempting to get Rex Grossman to rifle the ball to his receivers. A “laser-rocket” arm, he has not. Well, ok, maybe I only passed to Muhsin Muhammad, but in my defense, Chicago really isn’t much of a well rounded passing team.
The moral of this story? My arm hurts. And to top it off, I have a hockey game tonight. If we lose our hockey game, well, it’s just going to be EA’s fault. And I have absolutely no qualms about blaming my lack of ability on a video game designer. Pride is not something I worry about too often. On the plus side, my Wii-antics are actually a great form of exercise. According to a U.K. study, playing 12 hours of Wii Sports a week will burn off an estimated 1,800 calories. That could translate into a weight loss of 12 kilograms (or 26.4 pounds for those of you not entirely comfortable with alien metrics) over a prolonged period of time.
This shouldn’t be anything new. I mean, playing with my Wii has always burned off a few extra calories at the end of the day. And I’ve always found that playing with my Wii is a great way to jump start my morning and get me energized. Now I have scientific proof (and yes, one study conducted across the Atlantic does qualify as infallible proof) that playing with my Wii is good for my body. I just think I should point out that girls can get a fantastic work out as well by coming over and playing with my Wii. Every girl who has gotten her hands on my Wii so far has enjoyed it immensely. I’m just putting that out there.
Well, if we’re done with the double entendres (and I’m not entirely sure that I am just yet), we can move on to more important matters: football. I hadn’t realized how much I missed the sport until I eviscerated a guy with Brian Urlacher yesterday. Seriously, that was awesome. I can’t wait to see him do that in real life. And I only have to wait until the season starts on Sunday, September 9th. That’s not too far off now, is it?
No seriously, football season needs to hurry up. If for no other reason then it will give the guys on Sports Center something to talk about. The NBA finals and NHL finals are both over, and were both skipped over by the mass of the populace. Although I’m sure the three people watching game five of the Stanley Cup enjoyed it immeasurably. And let’s be honest with ourselves here, you can only say so much about baseball.
And so the countdown begins. The NFL draft is over, along with free-agency for the off-season, so now it’s time to size up all of the teams and pick out our favorites to win. Or it would be if that made any sense. Yes, sure the Patriots had great off-season acquisitions, and sure the Chargers may have problems without a coaching staff (I think one of the janitors got promoted to offensive coordinator) and for sure the Bears will make the playoffs again if only for the sole reason that their division sucks (and I mean no offense to Brett Farve, but aside from Chicago’s defense, the NFC north doesn’t have much to be lauded these days). But I was thinking, and really, this is just a crazy idea, that maybe we should wait until the actual season starts before we go all crazy with our football-talk. I mean, after the first two weeks, all of the guys on ESPN will be switching their picks for conference winners anyway. So do you think you can spare me from some of the needless confabulation now? Maybe…? No? No, I didn’t think so. Guess I’ll just have to watch cartoons instead of ESPN until the season starts. Darn.
And just for the record, I don’t care if Rex Grossman isn’t a Peyton Manning, or a Tom Brady, or a Donovan McNabb, or even a Jeff Garcia, or that third string guy who plays for the 49ers (he may have completed a pass once or twice in his life, I think)… I really don’t care about any of that, Rex is still my hero.
Don’t forget, only two more weeks until the new Transformers movie (for better or worse). As I have been compulsorily required to do by my love of all things Transformers, here is this week’s quote:
“Me Grimlock no bozo. Me king!”
-Grimlock
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Damn It’s Good to Be a Sports Nut
In case you missed it, I’m going to give you a quick run down of the NCAA National Championship game. This recap is brought to you by the fine folks at Stupid Inventions magazine. “If it’s stupid, we can invent it!”
Ohio State versus Florida (Monday, January 8th, 2007)
Ohio State: We’re the best team in the nation! We’ve got Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith. We beat two number two teams this year, and we’re gonna flat run over you, Florida!
Florida: Urban Meier is an offensive god. Chris Leak and Tim Tebow are going to duel-mode bitch slap you right back to Columbus.
Ohio State: (SLAP) Ouch… that hurt! Don’t do that. Please… please don’t hurt us again. We’ll roll over and play dead now, just please don’t hurt us.
Florida: That’s right bitch. Now go make me a sandwich.
That was pretty much what happened. I have to admit, I was utterly disappointed in the game. And where was Mr. Heisman that night? I thought Troy Smith drank the nectar of the gods and shitted out rainbows. But apparently he plays like a blinded eight year old school girl. Honestly, I expected more out of him.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Troy Smith. He played exceptionally well all year and deserved that Heisman. But no one cares about that if you can’t pull it out in the one game of the year that really matters. Sorry Mr. Heisman, but you really did get slapped around that game. Unfortunately, it was a bad end to an otherwise stellar season.
Now, as good as a performance that Florida put on (and let’s give credit where credit is due), I still have some problems about them being national champions. Sure Florida beat the best team in the nation and finished up 13-1 on the season with a tough SEC schedule. But there’s one team that finished up the season with a better record. Yes, I’m talking about Boise State. You know that team with the royal blue turf field that you see on TV but never really care about. That’s them.
I’m saying it right now, on the record, so please print this out so you have a paper copy: Boise State should be crowned National Champions. They are the only team in Division I-A football that finished the season undefeated. That’s 13 wins with no losses. The Broncos are the one team out of 119 peer teams to get the job done each and every week of the season. Doesn’t that count for something?
Now I know you’re thinking that Boise State had a weak schedule and that their conference isn’t anything near as difficult as anything the six major conferences have to play through. This is true, and I completely agree with you there. Both Florida and Ohio State had to play much tougher schedules than the Broncos. But allow me dissuade you of your conferential prejudices.
Why do I think Boise State should be number one? Well, did you see the Fiesta Bowl? I unfortunately missed it. And it is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Either my life is really sad or that was the greatest game of college football ever played. I’ll let you decide. But you can’t deny the fact that of all the college football played this season, that Boise State pulling it off against Oklahoma in the national spotlight of a major BCS Bowl is a memorable experience for all (unless, of course, you’re from Oklahoma).
Anyone who can pull off the plays and make the calls like Boise State coach Chris Peterson deserves to have a National Championship. Getting that team back into the game with seven seconds left was miraculous. In overtime, needing only a simple extra point to tie the game and send it to double overtime, Peterson choose to go for two points. Make it, and you win the big game and everyone loves you. Miss and you go back home crying with you head between you thighs like a little girl and wondering what could have been. That’s a tough call. Not only did he make this call, but Peterson had the balls of solid stainless steel, the absolute audacity to call a statue of liberty play for the two point conversion. And it worked. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the statue of liberty used before in college football. And the USA Today Coaches Poll didn’t even place the Broncos in the top five nationally. I’m sorry, but I’m invoking my constitutional right to call: bull shit.
There were five BCS bowl games this year. Those are the biggest end of year games in the country. You’d think the winners of those games would wind up as the five best teams in the nation. Let’s just forget about Ohio State’s season, where they beat a number two Texas and beat a number two Michigan. Ohio State lost. They finished 12-1. Boise State is 13-0. I can’t say that enough. The one undefeated team in the league and they can’t even scratch the top five. If that doesn’t convince you that the system is flawed, then I don’t know what will.
As I’ve said before, Boise State is the best team in the nation. So what if they’re in the WAC? Winning 13 games in one season isn’t easy even in for the Western Athletic Conference. And even then, they had to get through the Big 12 Champion Oklahoma Sooners to pull it off. I think we all need to start showing more love to the mid-majors out there. It doesn’t matter if you do or not. I will. Coach Peterson, you rock. Keep up the good work, and I hope to see you in the BCS again next year.
Wow… did I really just write all of that trying to convince you that Boise State, of all teams, should be number one? That’s a stretch, even for me. Still, Boise State deserves plenty of praise, especially after showing us one hell of a game. And really, isn’t that what football is all about? We’ve already seen some great NFL games this past week with Chicago winning in overtime (DAA Bears!) and the Patriots with a comeback win over the Chargers.
I’m looking forward to the Super Bowl. Will Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts actually win a conference championship and maybe even (God forbid) a National Championship? Will the Patriots continue their dominance over the AFC and deny the Colts in the playoffs once again? Will the Saints continue their miraculous season and come marching home with a championship? Or will the Bears go all the way and do their own Super Bowl Shuffle? I’m just so excited I can’t wait. Boy is it good to be a sports nut.
Ohio State versus Florida (Monday, January 8th, 2007)
Ohio State: We’re the best team in the nation! We’ve got Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith. We beat two number two teams this year, and we’re gonna flat run over you, Florida!
Florida: Urban Meier is an offensive god. Chris Leak and Tim Tebow are going to duel-mode bitch slap you right back to Columbus.
Ohio State: (SLAP) Ouch… that hurt! Don’t do that. Please… please don’t hurt us again. We’ll roll over and play dead now, just please don’t hurt us.
Florida: That’s right bitch. Now go make me a sandwich.
That was pretty much what happened. I have to admit, I was utterly disappointed in the game. And where was Mr. Heisman that night? I thought Troy Smith drank the nectar of the gods and shitted out rainbows. But apparently he plays like a blinded eight year old school girl. Honestly, I expected more out of him.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Troy Smith. He played exceptionally well all year and deserved that Heisman. But no one cares about that if you can’t pull it out in the one game of the year that really matters. Sorry Mr. Heisman, but you really did get slapped around that game. Unfortunately, it was a bad end to an otherwise stellar season.
Now, as good as a performance that Florida put on (and let’s give credit where credit is due), I still have some problems about them being national champions. Sure Florida beat the best team in the nation and finished up 13-1 on the season with a tough SEC schedule. But there’s one team that finished up the season with a better record. Yes, I’m talking about Boise State. You know that team with the royal blue turf field that you see on TV but never really care about. That’s them.
I’m saying it right now, on the record, so please print this out so you have a paper copy: Boise State should be crowned National Champions. They are the only team in Division I-A football that finished the season undefeated. That’s 13 wins with no losses. The Broncos are the one team out of 119 peer teams to get the job done each and every week of the season. Doesn’t that count for something?
Now I know you’re thinking that Boise State had a weak schedule and that their conference isn’t anything near as difficult as anything the six major conferences have to play through. This is true, and I completely agree with you there. Both Florida and Ohio State had to play much tougher schedules than the Broncos. But allow me dissuade you of your conferential prejudices.
Why do I think Boise State should be number one? Well, did you see the Fiesta Bowl? I unfortunately missed it. And it is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Either my life is really sad or that was the greatest game of college football ever played. I’ll let you decide. But you can’t deny the fact that of all the college football played this season, that Boise State pulling it off against Oklahoma in the national spotlight of a major BCS Bowl is a memorable experience for all (unless, of course, you’re from Oklahoma).
Anyone who can pull off the plays and make the calls like Boise State coach Chris Peterson deserves to have a National Championship. Getting that team back into the game with seven seconds left was miraculous. In overtime, needing only a simple extra point to tie the game and send it to double overtime, Peterson choose to go for two points. Make it, and you win the big game and everyone loves you. Miss and you go back home crying with you head between you thighs like a little girl and wondering what could have been. That’s a tough call. Not only did he make this call, but Peterson had the balls of solid stainless steel, the absolute audacity to call a statue of liberty play for the two point conversion. And it worked. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the statue of liberty used before in college football. And the USA Today Coaches Poll didn’t even place the Broncos in the top five nationally. I’m sorry, but I’m invoking my constitutional right to call: bull shit.
There were five BCS bowl games this year. Those are the biggest end of year games in the country. You’d think the winners of those games would wind up as the five best teams in the nation. Let’s just forget about Ohio State’s season, where they beat a number two Texas and beat a number two Michigan. Ohio State lost. They finished 12-1. Boise State is 13-0. I can’t say that enough. The one undefeated team in the league and they can’t even scratch the top five. If that doesn’t convince you that the system is flawed, then I don’t know what will.
As I’ve said before, Boise State is the best team in the nation. So what if they’re in the WAC? Winning 13 games in one season isn’t easy even in for the Western Athletic Conference. And even then, they had to get through the Big 12 Champion Oklahoma Sooners to pull it off. I think we all need to start showing more love to the mid-majors out there. It doesn’t matter if you do or not. I will. Coach Peterson, you rock. Keep up the good work, and I hope to see you in the BCS again next year.
Wow… did I really just write all of that trying to convince you that Boise State, of all teams, should be number one? That’s a stretch, even for me. Still, Boise State deserves plenty of praise, especially after showing us one hell of a game. And really, isn’t that what football is all about? We’ve already seen some great NFL games this past week with Chicago winning in overtime (DAA Bears!) and the Patriots with a comeback win over the Chargers.
I’m looking forward to the Super Bowl. Will Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts actually win a conference championship and maybe even (God forbid) a National Championship? Will the Patriots continue their dominance over the AFC and deny the Colts in the playoffs once again? Will the Saints continue their miraculous season and come marching home with a championship? Or will the Bears go all the way and do their own Super Bowl Shuffle? I’m just so excited I can’t wait. Boy is it good to be a sports nut.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I Wish I Was a Sentimental Ornament
Did you see the game Monday night? I know there’s all sorts of exciting shows about “heroes” on Monday nights (even though I still say the X-Men animated series that aired on Fox back in the 90’s was way better), but how can you pass up a chance to watch Chicago play football? Well, I can’t. Living in North Carolina is nice, but one drawback is that network television doesn’t broadcast NFC North games (that’s Midwestern teams) in this area. But hey, Monday Night Football is nationally broadcasted, thank you ESPN.
So did you see it? Did you see Rex Grossman not cough the ball up a single time? Did you see Devin Hester run for two touchdowns on kick off returns (breaking the single season return for TD record)? And that is especially spectacular seeing as how on his second TD kick-off return the Bears had “the hands” team on the field. Basically that means he had the skinny wide receivers and defensive backs blocking for him, and he still ran the ball right up the middle and into the end zone. Not only is he that good, but after the game in an interview he gave credit for his accomplishments to God, his teammates, and to his mommy. Aww, isn’t that nice? I’m just glad to see that at least one person who came through the University of Miami’s program in recent years isn’t a total screw up.
But hey, if you want to know all about the football game, you can go over to ESPN.com or you can be like me and check out the story on the Chicago Bears official site. Yes, I’m that big of a Bears fan boy. Feel free to make fun of me. Also, Rex Grossman is my hero. Feel free to make fun of me again.
Ok, now that I got all of that out of my system (DAAA BEARS!)… yes, now that it’s all out of my system, I can get on with this weeks silliness. So, it’s the holidays, and yes now that Thanksgiving is over, so it’s officially the holidays. It’s the time of year for so many things: overplayed songs, fat jolly men, elves (when the hell did a Lord of the Rings character get to be a Christmas symbol?), candy canes, and last minute shopping. And I’d like to take some time to talk about the last one, if I can.
I’ve never been a huge fan of holiday shopping. Let’s face it; I’ve never been a huge fan of shopping for anything. Heck, I go clothes shopping maybe twice a year, and that’s only if a cute blonde drags me to the mall so she can pick up a new pair of outrageously priced pants. Have I ever told you how much of a sucker I am for a girl in tight pants?
But I regress. I was talking about Christmas shopping before I got waylaid by images of blonde cheerleaders dancing in my head (sugarplums are totally overrated). You know, there are parts to the holiday that are really fun. On Christmas morning, when you see a loved one open up a present and they are surprised and overjoyed at the wonderful gift you bought them, it’s just an awesome feeling. It would be great if I could do that each and every year. Unfortunately, it isn’t always easy picking out gifts for people.
Let’s talk about my dad for a few minutes. What do you get a man who already has a table saw, drill press, router table, and a planer? At this point in his life he has more variable speed power drills than most small nations, so I can’t get him one of those. Although, let’s be honest here, a man can never have too many power drills, that is just a solid fact. So trying to find a gift for him isn’t the easiest of mental exercises. But I managed to pick him up something that I think he’ll get some use out of… hopefully.
And then there’s my mom. Two years ago I bought her a book. To this day I still don’t think she’s read it. I have to cut her some slack though, since the school she works at made her head of her department this year, despite the fact that she and my dad will be moving next summer (yes, because having someone for only one year in a leadership role makes complete sense). Last year I got her some loaf pans because she’s a bit of a baking fiend around the holidays. And that doesn’t exactly do wonders for my waist line (it’s sad that I have to worry about that, I must be getting old). I moved away from bake ware this year, so I hope she likes what I bought her.
Then there’s my brother. Luckily he decided that we shouldn’t exchange presents anymore. This makes my job tons easier seeing as how my brother has always been hard when it came to the holiday gift giving. Upon hearing this, he quickly rebuked that he was not in any way difficult to shop for. Apparently he forgot all about the nine hour stalk for a winter jacket that spanned between two different cities, back when he was in high school. Let me tell you, those were fun times. And by fun, I mean they were horrible. I already had a winter jacket. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play my Super Nintendo (this was a few year back, you know), but no, I had to be dragged along all over the place just so my brother could finally pick out an overpriced, dull, brown coat. Thanks big brother, you’re really an inspiration to me.
Well, that’s the end of my list. Two gifts, shortest Christmas shopping list ever! As you can see, there are no females to shop for this year. Fortunately, I was able to dodge any and all relationship attempts for the past month or so. I think you all know that by mid-November you need to check romantic interactions and wait for the holidays to pass. Personally I think that between November 15th and February 15th, you should avoid dating and relationships. It saves you tons of money and trouble. And trust me, there’s always trouble.
If you happen to already be in a relationship prior to the avoidance period, that’s perfectly ok. Your girlfriend (or wife or fiancé or what-have-you) has sufficiently stuck around and put up with your crap long enough, that she deserves to be rewarded with a present. Just remember to follow the guidelines: no jewelry for the first year, no diamonds unless you plan to marry her, no puppies at all (yes I know they’re cute, but who do you think is going to have to clean up after it?), and you’re only allowed to get her a scented candle once (generally at your first shared Christmas/birthday/anniversary).
Oh, and just a helpful note. Your feminine significant other might tell you that you don’t have to do anything special for the holiday. Let me translate this for you, since some guys seem to not get the hint. What she’s really saying is: “You have to do something special for me. Because if you don’t I will be very hurt and will feel like you don’t love or care about me. And your chances of getting laid will drop significantly.” Hey, I may not understand women (and I probably never will), but you really need to trust me on this one. You know as well as I do that women tend to misstate the truth at times.
As for me, I have a pretty short list this year. I merely asked for a Gregory Palisade backpack , Final Fantasy 12 for the Playstation 2, and Final Fantasy 3 for the Nintendo DS. And if you must know, yes, I’m a Final Fantasy fan boy as well. So please, by all means, feel free to make fun of me yet one more time.
So did you see it? Did you see Rex Grossman not cough the ball up a single time? Did you see Devin Hester run for two touchdowns on kick off returns (breaking the single season return for TD record)? And that is especially spectacular seeing as how on his second TD kick-off return the Bears had “the hands” team on the field. Basically that means he had the skinny wide receivers and defensive backs blocking for him, and he still ran the ball right up the middle and into the end zone. Not only is he that good, but after the game in an interview he gave credit for his accomplishments to God, his teammates, and to his mommy. Aww, isn’t that nice? I’m just glad to see that at least one person who came through the University of Miami’s program in recent years isn’t a total screw up.
But hey, if you want to know all about the football game, you can go over to ESPN.com or you can be like me and check out the story on the Chicago Bears official site. Yes, I’m that big of a Bears fan boy. Feel free to make fun of me. Also, Rex Grossman is my hero. Feel free to make fun of me again.
Ok, now that I got all of that out of my system (DAAA BEARS!)… yes, now that it’s all out of my system, I can get on with this weeks silliness. So, it’s the holidays, and yes now that Thanksgiving is over, so it’s officially the holidays. It’s the time of year for so many things: overplayed songs, fat jolly men, elves (when the hell did a Lord of the Rings character get to be a Christmas symbol?), candy canes, and last minute shopping. And I’d like to take some time to talk about the last one, if I can.
I’ve never been a huge fan of holiday shopping. Let’s face it; I’ve never been a huge fan of shopping for anything. Heck, I go clothes shopping maybe twice a year, and that’s only if a cute blonde drags me to the mall so she can pick up a new pair of outrageously priced pants. Have I ever told you how much of a sucker I am for a girl in tight pants?
But I regress. I was talking about Christmas shopping before I got waylaid by images of blonde cheerleaders dancing in my head (sugarplums are totally overrated). You know, there are parts to the holiday that are really fun. On Christmas morning, when you see a loved one open up a present and they are surprised and overjoyed at the wonderful gift you bought them, it’s just an awesome feeling. It would be great if I could do that each and every year. Unfortunately, it isn’t always easy picking out gifts for people.
Let’s talk about my dad for a few minutes. What do you get a man who already has a table saw, drill press, router table, and a planer? At this point in his life he has more variable speed power drills than most small nations, so I can’t get him one of those. Although, let’s be honest here, a man can never have too many power drills, that is just a solid fact. So trying to find a gift for him isn’t the easiest of mental exercises. But I managed to pick him up something that I think he’ll get some use out of… hopefully.
And then there’s my mom. Two years ago I bought her a book. To this day I still don’t think she’s read it. I have to cut her some slack though, since the school she works at made her head of her department this year, despite the fact that she and my dad will be moving next summer (yes, because having someone for only one year in a leadership role makes complete sense). Last year I got her some loaf pans because she’s a bit of a baking fiend around the holidays. And that doesn’t exactly do wonders for my waist line (it’s sad that I have to worry about that, I must be getting old). I moved away from bake ware this year, so I hope she likes what I bought her.
Then there’s my brother. Luckily he decided that we shouldn’t exchange presents anymore. This makes my job tons easier seeing as how my brother has always been hard when it came to the holiday gift giving. Upon hearing this, he quickly rebuked that he was not in any way difficult to shop for. Apparently he forgot all about the nine hour stalk for a winter jacket that spanned between two different cities, back when he was in high school. Let me tell you, those were fun times. And by fun, I mean they were horrible. I already had a winter jacket. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play my Super Nintendo (this was a few year back, you know), but no, I had to be dragged along all over the place just so my brother could finally pick out an overpriced, dull, brown coat. Thanks big brother, you’re really an inspiration to me.
Well, that’s the end of my list. Two gifts, shortest Christmas shopping list ever! As you can see, there are no females to shop for this year. Fortunately, I was able to dodge any and all relationship attempts for the past month or so. I think you all know that by mid-November you need to check romantic interactions and wait for the holidays to pass. Personally I think that between November 15th and February 15th, you should avoid dating and relationships. It saves you tons of money and trouble. And trust me, there’s always trouble.
If you happen to already be in a relationship prior to the avoidance period, that’s perfectly ok. Your girlfriend (or wife or fiancé or what-have-you) has sufficiently stuck around and put up with your crap long enough, that she deserves to be rewarded with a present. Just remember to follow the guidelines: no jewelry for the first year, no diamonds unless you plan to marry her, no puppies at all (yes I know they’re cute, but who do you think is going to have to clean up after it?), and you’re only allowed to get her a scented candle once (generally at your first shared Christmas/birthday/anniversary).
Oh, and just a helpful note. Your feminine significant other might tell you that you don’t have to do anything special for the holiday. Let me translate this for you, since some guys seem to not get the hint. What she’s really saying is: “You have to do something special for me. Because if you don’t I will be very hurt and will feel like you don’t love or care about me. And your chances of getting laid will drop significantly.” Hey, I may not understand women (and I probably never will), but you really need to trust me on this one. You know as well as I do that women tend to misstate the truth at times.
As for me, I have a pretty short list this year. I merely asked for a Gregory Palisade backpack , Final Fantasy 12 for the Playstation 2, and Final Fantasy 3 for the Nintendo DS. And if you must know, yes, I’m a Final Fantasy fan boy as well. So please, by all means, feel free to make fun of me yet one more time.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Street Fighter 2: College Football Edition
So Monday night I’m clicking around ESPN.com looking up all the latest sports news, including the Bears extremely narrow win over the Cardinals, and I come across something that is somewhat less than pleasant. I was on ESPN’s college football’s homepage, and of course, the major story was still the University of Miami and Florida International University brawl. That was old news by Monday. What really got to me was the “ESPN Headlines” on the right hand side of the page. Here are the Headlines that I found most intriguing:
• Two players at I-AA Albany, NY charged with rape
• Sooners top tackler arrested on two charges
• No. Colorado fullback arrested, faces assault charges
• Syracuse QB apologizes for obscene gesture
• Thomas fired for comments during UM/FIU brawl
Four of those headlines are completely unrelated to the UM/FIU brawl, and three of them illustrate how college football players continue to commit crimes everyday. Have we become desensitized to the violence and indiscretions? Is it perfectly acceptable for college athletes to engage in unsportsmanlike behavior, commit felonies and abuse others both on and off the field? If I ask any coaches or program directors in the league, I’ll likely hear them answer in the negative. But actions speak louder than words.
I’m sure you all know what happened this past Saturday between Miami and Florida International. If not, there are plenty of places online where you can download the video of it. Feel free to go look, I’ve got plenty of time. Larry Coker still has a job in Miami. The University of Miami’s president, Donna Shalala and the executive committee of its board of trustees decided that firing Coker would be a bad idea. Well, it’s not like the brawl with FIU was the coach’s fault. Just like the fight with LSU at the Peach Bowl less than a year ago wasn’t his fault. Nor is it his fault that he recruits known criminals to play for UM (think Willie Williams who had 11 arrests before attending Miami). Do you notice a pattern developing here?
Oh, and you have to love the ACC. The Atlantic Coast Conference initially gave a one game suspension to everyone involved in Saturday’s melee. This sort of punishment will show those kids that violence is a bad thing, and they should never do that again. Actually, a one game suspension was more of a wag of the finger than an actually punishment. The message sent is more like, “Please don’t do that anymore, fighting is bad. So please, no more fighting… Pretty please no more fighting?” Aren’t you glad the University of Miami was recently moved into the ACC? I was just thinking that there wasn’t enough violence in football before Miami joined the conference.
Luckily, ACC commissioner John Swofford came back Monday night and dished out indefinite suspensions to the players who were most involved in the conflict. Good for him. Will that keep fights like the one on Saturday from happening again? The short answer: no. Violence on and off the field will continue to increase in football unless drastic measures are taken. Case in point: A month ago, the backup punter at Northern Colorado stabbed his teammate who was the starter. Why? No really, WHY? The guy was competing to be the top punter on the team. Punters aren’t even real football players, no one cares about them, why would you stab someone for a starting position as a kicker?
Why do things like this keep happening in college football? Sportsmanship and character have always been very important in the league. They’re so important that they rank eight and nine in relative importance. Winning, of course, is the most important, and everything else takes a back seat. People have been demanding for quite a while that Miami Coach Larry Coker needs to be fired. Just check out Cokermustgo.com. Of course, they’re not quite as mad at Coker’s questionable grip on his program; they’re upset that UM has lost two games already this season. For some reason, losing two games in one season is unforgivable in Miami. In stark contrast, take a look at Firebunting.com. The Carolina alumni are upset because Coach John Bunting boasts a 25-41 overall record at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Now even though that record is truly abysmal, at least Bunting punters aren’t stabbing each other.
Larry Coker still has a job because he’s still winning games. Granted, not as many as he used to, but a 4-2 record is a winning record and Miami will likely make another bowl appearance in late December. John Bunting still has a job only because UNC Athletic Director Dick Baddour supports him entirely. Without Baddour’s support, Bunting is likely gone quicker than Brittney Spears after marrying a back-up dancer. Let’s just take a minute to figure out why colleges tend to overlook these on field incidents when their coaches are winning.
The answer: it’s all about money. Yes, colleges and universities are money grubbing whores just like the rest of us. And college football is a huge cash generator. Television networks pay inordinate amounts of money to conferences and collegiate institutions for the right to show their teams on TV. And the best part is, since college athletes are by definition amateurs, the schools don’t have to pay their players any money, unlike the professional leagues. So in essence, colleges have the ability to generate higher profit margins on their sports than do NFL or NBA franchises. Now isn’t that ironic?
As long as coaches continue to win and generate more income for the schools, college presidents and athletic directors will continue to downplay the importance of sportsmanship and player conduct. It will continue to be permissible for universities to recruit known felons as long as they’re really good at playing ball. The needless violence will continue unless something changes. I, personally, think the NCAA needs to step up and take a more active role. And they’re beginning to do just that.
Unfortunately, I don’t think the NCAA is doing enough. The governing body for the vast majority of collegiate sports needs to show colleges and universities that there are consequences for these unacceptable behaviors. And the consequences need to be more severe than a wag of the finger. The league should hit the schools where it hurts the most, the pocket book. If the NCAA imposed heavy fines on schools with repeated offenses, such as Miami, the universities would see a tangible downside to poor character and sportsmanship in their athletics. They would be much quicker and much more adamant about keeping a clean house. As I said before, actions speak louder than words.
But I doubt that will happen any time soon. Things will continue the way they are because the consequences haven’t become dire enough to keep the kids on these teams from their perpetrations. You know that one game suspension most players on Miami received? Well, they’re going to miss their next game against Duke. Oh yeah, that’s harsh, suspend everyone for the one game they won’t be needed anyway (no offense to Duke, but your football team would have trouble beating a junior high girls team). The Atlantic Coast Conference, a tradition of excellence, then, now and always… one on-field brawl at a time.
• Two players at I-AA Albany, NY charged with rape
• Sooners top tackler arrested on two charges
• No. Colorado fullback arrested, faces assault charges
• Syracuse QB apologizes for obscene gesture
• Thomas fired for comments during UM/FIU brawl
Four of those headlines are completely unrelated to the UM/FIU brawl, and three of them illustrate how college football players continue to commit crimes everyday. Have we become desensitized to the violence and indiscretions? Is it perfectly acceptable for college athletes to engage in unsportsmanlike behavior, commit felonies and abuse others both on and off the field? If I ask any coaches or program directors in the league, I’ll likely hear them answer in the negative. But actions speak louder than words.
I’m sure you all know what happened this past Saturday between Miami and Florida International. If not, there are plenty of places online where you can download the video of it. Feel free to go look, I’ve got plenty of time. Larry Coker still has a job in Miami. The University of Miami’s president, Donna Shalala and the executive committee of its board of trustees decided that firing Coker would be a bad idea. Well, it’s not like the brawl with FIU was the coach’s fault. Just like the fight with LSU at the Peach Bowl less than a year ago wasn’t his fault. Nor is it his fault that he recruits known criminals to play for UM (think Willie Williams who had 11 arrests before attending Miami). Do you notice a pattern developing here?
Oh, and you have to love the ACC. The Atlantic Coast Conference initially gave a one game suspension to everyone involved in Saturday’s melee. This sort of punishment will show those kids that violence is a bad thing, and they should never do that again. Actually, a one game suspension was more of a wag of the finger than an actually punishment. The message sent is more like, “Please don’t do that anymore, fighting is bad. So please, no more fighting… Pretty please no more fighting?” Aren’t you glad the University of Miami was recently moved into the ACC? I was just thinking that there wasn’t enough violence in football before Miami joined the conference.
Luckily, ACC commissioner John Swofford came back Monday night and dished out indefinite suspensions to the players who were most involved in the conflict. Good for him. Will that keep fights like the one on Saturday from happening again? The short answer: no. Violence on and off the field will continue to increase in football unless drastic measures are taken. Case in point: A month ago, the backup punter at Northern Colorado stabbed his teammate who was the starter. Why? No really, WHY? The guy was competing to be the top punter on the team. Punters aren’t even real football players, no one cares about them, why would you stab someone for a starting position as a kicker?
Why do things like this keep happening in college football? Sportsmanship and character have always been very important in the league. They’re so important that they rank eight and nine in relative importance. Winning, of course, is the most important, and everything else takes a back seat. People have been demanding for quite a while that Miami Coach Larry Coker needs to be fired. Just check out Cokermustgo.com. Of course, they’re not quite as mad at Coker’s questionable grip on his program; they’re upset that UM has lost two games already this season. For some reason, losing two games in one season is unforgivable in Miami. In stark contrast, take a look at Firebunting.com. The Carolina alumni are upset because Coach John Bunting boasts a 25-41 overall record at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Now even though that record is truly abysmal, at least Bunting punters aren’t stabbing each other.
Larry Coker still has a job because he’s still winning games. Granted, not as many as he used to, but a 4-2 record is a winning record and Miami will likely make another bowl appearance in late December. John Bunting still has a job only because UNC Athletic Director Dick Baddour supports him entirely. Without Baddour’s support, Bunting is likely gone quicker than Brittney Spears after marrying a back-up dancer. Let’s just take a minute to figure out why colleges tend to overlook these on field incidents when their coaches are winning.
The answer: it’s all about money. Yes, colleges and universities are money grubbing whores just like the rest of us. And college football is a huge cash generator. Television networks pay inordinate amounts of money to conferences and collegiate institutions for the right to show their teams on TV. And the best part is, since college athletes are by definition amateurs, the schools don’t have to pay their players any money, unlike the professional leagues. So in essence, colleges have the ability to generate higher profit margins on their sports than do NFL or NBA franchises. Now isn’t that ironic?
As long as coaches continue to win and generate more income for the schools, college presidents and athletic directors will continue to downplay the importance of sportsmanship and player conduct. It will continue to be permissible for universities to recruit known felons as long as they’re really good at playing ball. The needless violence will continue unless something changes. I, personally, think the NCAA needs to step up and take a more active role. And they’re beginning to do just that.
Unfortunately, I don’t think the NCAA is doing enough. The governing body for the vast majority of collegiate sports needs to show colleges and universities that there are consequences for these unacceptable behaviors. And the consequences need to be more severe than a wag of the finger. The league should hit the schools where it hurts the most, the pocket book. If the NCAA imposed heavy fines on schools with repeated offenses, such as Miami, the universities would see a tangible downside to poor character and sportsmanship in their athletics. They would be much quicker and much more adamant about keeping a clean house. As I said before, actions speak louder than words.
But I doubt that will happen any time soon. Things will continue the way they are because the consequences haven’t become dire enough to keep the kids on these teams from their perpetrations. You know that one game suspension most players on Miami received? Well, they’re going to miss their next game against Duke. Oh yeah, that’s harsh, suspend everyone for the one game they won’t be needed anyway (no offense to Duke, but your football team would have trouble beating a junior high girls team). The Atlantic Coast Conference, a tradition of excellence, then, now and always… one on-field brawl at a time.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Lions and Vikings and Bears, Oh My!
I’m going to go ahead and apologize to Matt Leinart in advance for the beating he’s going to get on Monday night. I honestly do feel sorry for the poor guy. He played a good game last week, but ultimately lost. He’s probably hoping to pull off a nice win in his second start to give himself and the team some momentum. Unfortunately, he’s facing the Chicago Bears (pronounced: DA Bears). Yeah, it’s going to suck to be Matt Leinart on Monday night.
And why is this? Well, the Bears are arguably the best team in the NFL right now. They are 5-0 and the only other undefeated team is the Indianapolis Colts who scored a grand total of 135 points in five games. The Bears, on the other hand, have scored a total of 156 points this season. I know that’s not a huge difference, but when the hell does Chicago outscore Indianapolis’s offensive machine (named Peyton Manning)? No seriously, when did Chicago get an offense?
When I was growing up, Chicago was normally a decent team. The Bears are known for their physically tough and gritty defense, but they’ve never been big on scoring points. But now they’re playing the best football in the league on both sides of the field. It’s simply amazing. And what’s up with that Rex Grossman guy? I know he was pretty decent back in Gainesville, but how does he average over 200 yards a game (with the fourth best passer rating in the league) with Chicago? No really, how is that possible? Back in 2001, I think that Chicago only completed five passes all season long. And those were all against Detroit.
Why am I so giddy over Chicago’s sudden eliteness in the NFL? Well, I’ve been a Chicago fan all my life, but unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to cheer for them. For a long while, they haven’t been very good, and it’s not always kosher to wear the jersey of a team that only won three games in an entire season. But now, now the Bears the best team in the league. They utterly demolished last years NFC champs, the Seattle Seahawks two weeks ago. Right now, the Bears are 5-0, which is a feat that hasn’t been accomplished in Chicago since 1986. So I hope you’ll excuse my sudden enthusiasm since I was only three years old the last time the Bears started a season off this well.
Chicago’s normally staunch defense has gotten so dominantly potent that a recent accord has been added to the Geneva Convention that clearly states that it is “Cruel and Unusual to exercise the Bear’s Defense in an Act of War.” I don’t blame then. I mean, I’m pretty sure I saw Brian Urlacher rip a man’s torso in half using nothing than his right shoulder blade in the middle of a game. He’s just that good. The defense has only allowed 36 points this season (that’s 7.2 points per game for you math whizzes out there). Seven points a game is equivalent to building a ten foot tall brick wall on your own 20 yard line to keep the other team out. Although something tells me this Chicago defense is far more effective than any mere wall.
Unfortunately, I live in North Carolina where I can only see mostly east coast games. There’s only been one televised Chicago game in my region so far this year. Now don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy watching the Carolina Panthers. Well, except when they try to lateral the ball on a punt return and no one is there resulting in a turnover to Minnesota. That was just stupid. But other than that, I like the Panthers. The thing is, I don’t really have a hometown. I was born in Peoria, Illinois, but I’ve never lived anywhere for more than four years. Growing up in a military family will do that to you.
But since I was born in Illinois, I’ve always favored the Chicago teams. In fact, my 13 year old Chicago Blackhawks jersey is still one of my most cherished possessions. This is true even though the Blackhawks haven’t been worth watching for almost all of those 13 years. It will be a while before the Blackhawks get their skates back under them, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is that the Bears are kicking some NFL booty, and no one is going to stop them.
If you don’t believe me, tune in Monday night. I’m pretty positive that the Arizona Cardinals don’t have what it takes to beat the Bears, even with Mr. Matt, I won a Heisman Trophy, Leinart. Incidentally, Microsoft Word does not seem recognize “Heisman” as a legitimate word. Apparently computer programmers don’t watch college football. Way to go Microsoft. Getting back to Monday night, I’m ridiculously happy that I get to see another Chicago Bears football game. I’m sure it will be as ludicrously one sided as the first when Chicago beat a very potent Seahawks team by over 30 points.
I’m sorry to all you Arizona fans out there, but I don’t think that praying to God will help your team’s chances at all. I have it on good authority that Mike Ditka (who won a Super Bowl as a tight end for the Bears and another as their head coach) once beat God in a football game by 42-7. After the game, Ditka barreled over God in a display of pure aggression. God laughed it off and later forgave the Hall of Famer. God is just such a good sport like that.
Well I hope I haven’t bored you too much with all my statistics and overindulgence of one of the greatest sports teams ever. I assure you that next week I will get back to the woman hating and chauvinism that make my writing what it is. And yes, the Bears are one of the greatest sports franchises ever. I mean, Fred Savage wore a Chicago Bears jersey in the movie The Princess Bride. And I think we can all agree that The Princess Bride was an awesome movie.
So all motion picture and Saturday Night Live references aside, I’m going to enjoy sitting down with an ice cold beer and a large meat-lovers pizza to watch the game on Monday. As I said before, I feel sorry for Matt Leinart. He’s going to throw two interceptions and get sacked three times before Monday night’s game is over. Arizona’s offensive line won’t be able to hold up against Chicago’s defense, and this is before Chicago even attempts to send in an extra man on the blitz. They’re just that good. Yeah, it’s going to suck to be Matt Leinart on Monday.
Oh, and bonus points to those of you who figured out that the title for this article was a play on words using three of the four teams in the NFC North division. The Detroit Lions, Minnesota Vikings, and Chicago Bears are represented there. My apologies to Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers for not making it into the title.
And why is this? Well, the Bears are arguably the best team in the NFL right now. They are 5-0 and the only other undefeated team is the Indianapolis Colts who scored a grand total of 135 points in five games. The Bears, on the other hand, have scored a total of 156 points this season. I know that’s not a huge difference, but when the hell does Chicago outscore Indianapolis’s offensive machine (named Peyton Manning)? No seriously, when did Chicago get an offense?
When I was growing up, Chicago was normally a decent team. The Bears are known for their physically tough and gritty defense, but they’ve never been big on scoring points. But now they’re playing the best football in the league on both sides of the field. It’s simply amazing. And what’s up with that Rex Grossman guy? I know he was pretty decent back in Gainesville, but how does he average over 200 yards a game (with the fourth best passer rating in the league) with Chicago? No really, how is that possible? Back in 2001, I think that Chicago only completed five passes all season long. And those were all against Detroit.
Why am I so giddy over Chicago’s sudden eliteness in the NFL? Well, I’ve been a Chicago fan all my life, but unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to cheer for them. For a long while, they haven’t been very good, and it’s not always kosher to wear the jersey of a team that only won three games in an entire season. But now, now the Bears the best team in the league. They utterly demolished last years NFC champs, the Seattle Seahawks two weeks ago. Right now, the Bears are 5-0, which is a feat that hasn’t been accomplished in Chicago since 1986. So I hope you’ll excuse my sudden enthusiasm since I was only three years old the last time the Bears started a season off this well.
Chicago’s normally staunch defense has gotten so dominantly potent that a recent accord has been added to the Geneva Convention that clearly states that it is “Cruel and Unusual to exercise the Bear’s Defense in an Act of War.” I don’t blame then. I mean, I’m pretty sure I saw Brian Urlacher rip a man’s torso in half using nothing than his right shoulder blade in the middle of a game. He’s just that good. The defense has only allowed 36 points this season (that’s 7.2 points per game for you math whizzes out there). Seven points a game is equivalent to building a ten foot tall brick wall on your own 20 yard line to keep the other team out. Although something tells me this Chicago defense is far more effective than any mere wall.
Unfortunately, I live in North Carolina where I can only see mostly east coast games. There’s only been one televised Chicago game in my region so far this year. Now don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy watching the Carolina Panthers. Well, except when they try to lateral the ball on a punt return and no one is there resulting in a turnover to Minnesota. That was just stupid. But other than that, I like the Panthers. The thing is, I don’t really have a hometown. I was born in Peoria, Illinois, but I’ve never lived anywhere for more than four years. Growing up in a military family will do that to you.
But since I was born in Illinois, I’ve always favored the Chicago teams. In fact, my 13 year old Chicago Blackhawks jersey is still one of my most cherished possessions. This is true even though the Blackhawks haven’t been worth watching for almost all of those 13 years. It will be a while before the Blackhawks get their skates back under them, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is that the Bears are kicking some NFL booty, and no one is going to stop them.
If you don’t believe me, tune in Monday night. I’m pretty positive that the Arizona Cardinals don’t have what it takes to beat the Bears, even with Mr. Matt, I won a Heisman Trophy, Leinart. Incidentally, Microsoft Word does not seem recognize “Heisman” as a legitimate word. Apparently computer programmers don’t watch college football. Way to go Microsoft. Getting back to Monday night, I’m ridiculously happy that I get to see another Chicago Bears football game. I’m sure it will be as ludicrously one sided as the first when Chicago beat a very potent Seahawks team by over 30 points.
I’m sorry to all you Arizona fans out there, but I don’t think that praying to God will help your team’s chances at all. I have it on good authority that Mike Ditka (who won a Super Bowl as a tight end for the Bears and another as their head coach) once beat God in a football game by 42-7. After the game, Ditka barreled over God in a display of pure aggression. God laughed it off and later forgave the Hall of Famer. God is just such a good sport like that.
Well I hope I haven’t bored you too much with all my statistics and overindulgence of one of the greatest sports teams ever. I assure you that next week I will get back to the woman hating and chauvinism that make my writing what it is. And yes, the Bears are one of the greatest sports franchises ever. I mean, Fred Savage wore a Chicago Bears jersey in the movie The Princess Bride. And I think we can all agree that The Princess Bride was an awesome movie.
So all motion picture and Saturday Night Live references aside, I’m going to enjoy sitting down with an ice cold beer and a large meat-lovers pizza to watch the game on Monday. As I said before, I feel sorry for Matt Leinart. He’s going to throw two interceptions and get sacked three times before Monday night’s game is over. Arizona’s offensive line won’t be able to hold up against Chicago’s defense, and this is before Chicago even attempts to send in an extra man on the blitz. They’re just that good. Yeah, it’s going to suck to be Matt Leinart on Monday.
Oh, and bonus points to those of you who figured out that the title for this article was a play on words using three of the four teams in the NFC North division. The Detroit Lions, Minnesota Vikings, and Chicago Bears are represented there. My apologies to Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers for not making it into the title.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Game Day Fun
It’s almost fall, and you know what that means: the weather is cooling off, there’s a nice easy breeze blowing through the now colorful foliage, the rush of summertime is gone and life seems to be slowing down, and of course, and most importantly, football! After a long summer season of nothing but baseball and the occasional spelling bee, it’s great to finally get a sport worth watching. Now don’t get me wrong, the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest is a thrill a minute, watching those tiny Japanese guys out eating our oversized American competitors, but it’s just not the same as football. What’s up with that though? We are a nation that thrives on fast food, deep fried Twinkies, and anything that is high in cholesterol, but we can’t win a hot dog eating contest. I think we got screwed on that deal.
Back to the subject at hand: football. I don’t know about you, but I am a huge fan of college football. The NFL is ok, but I usually don’t pay much attention until the playoffs. Well, except for Chicago, I always cheer for the Bears (pronounced: “DA Bears”). When it comes right down to it though, I think college teams play with more heart and passion for the game than do the professionals who seem mostly interested in signing bonuses. I also like the college set-up better. You don’t have to wait until Christmas for the playoffs to begin, in college they begin in September. Lose one game and you’re out of the national championship. Last year the Ohio State vs. Texas game in the second week of the season was probably one of the biggest (if not the biggest) in determining who was going to the National Championship game. Then, Texas beat Ohio State and they went on to win the National Championship. This year the Buckeyes won. Will they be able to pull off a run to the final? We’ll have to wait and see.
Of course, my favorite college team is the University of North Carolina Tar Heels. Unfortunately, rooting for the Tar Heels isn’t the easiest thing to do. The football program isn’t quite on par with its rich basketball tradition. And you know what, that’s ok. You can’t really expect perfection in both programs. But it is nice to watch the football team pull off an upset every once in a while. The first Carolina sporting event I went to was the 2001 football game against Florida State where the Tar Heels thoroughly embarrassed the Seminoles, 41-9. Of course, that doesn’t happen very often, especially now that UNC has to play both Virginia Tech and Miami (of Florida) every year.
For those of you not in the know, last Saturday was the UNC game versus Virginia Tech. I had the distinct pleasure of attending. Ok, maybe it was a pleasure for most of the first quarter, but that’s about it. We don’t need to go into the details about the game, because that would just make me cry again. And you don’t want to make me cry, do you? Let’s just say the Carolina offense seems to take the field with only one goal in mind: to throw an interception. I mean really, that’s how it appeared to me.
Like I said, there’s no need to talk about the game, but I do want to talk about being at the game. College football is an experience like no other. In some collegiate stadiums the fans get so loud when their team is on defense, that the opposing quarterback cannot call an audible on the field because his teammates cannot hear him above the roar (for the record, its doesn’t get quite that loud in Kenan stadium). When was the last time that ever happened at a professional game? So I’ll give you a quick run down of my college football experience last weekend.
First off, since it was a 12pm game, I had to get up at 10am (waking up before noon is, as a generally rule, something I just don’t do). I drove into Chapel Hill early enough to miss most of the nasty traffic and find a decent parking place. Of course, being a college town, parking is a pain in the butt, and there’s people walking all over the place, so it’s far too easy and far too tempting to run over the pedestrians wearing Virginia Tech t-shirts. After getting the car parked, I met my friend on campus and hung out before game time to listen to the band. This is mainly because his girlfriend is in the band. And before you jump to any conclusions there are some pretty attractive band geeks, believe it or not. It is Carolina, and I have it on good authority that Carolina girls are the best in the world.
I have to admit, the band is pretty good. They did a rendition of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit that was reasonably true to the song. Well, except for the fact that they didn’t have any electric guitars. I felt a little odd about that, I know the band is trying to be hip, but grunge music without the guitars? That’s like eating strawberry shortcake without the strawberries. I mean, yeah the shortcake tastes good on its own, but shortcake has pretty much no point unless there’s strawberries involved in some way.
After the band finished its pre-game rituals, they took off from the quad and marched to the stadium. We followed behind in the mass of people and once again I had to suppress the urge to enact some very random acts of violence on people wearing Virginia Tech shirts. Although I have to admit, the Virginia Tech fans were very well behaved for the most part. Much better behaved than NC State fans have ever been. But I can’t blame the Wolfpack fans, I mean, if I had to walk through a bunch of tractors and cows on my way to class everyday, I’d be pretty pissed off too. What I haven’t been able to figure out though, is how all those cows can graze on NC State’s campus when the campus is completely paved over in bricks. I guess it’s just one of those mysteries of life.
Unfortunately, most of the seats in Kenan Stadium don’t have any shade and the sun can easily overheat you and give you some really bad tan lines. Thankfully, I didn’t have to deal with that, our seats had shade. Looking out over the stadium, you can see a sea of Carolina blue, as all the students, parents, alumni, and even faculty were wearing their school colors. Unfortunately there was a rather large consortium of Virginia Tech fans in attendance who were sitting around our section. By the way, can anyone tell me what a Hokie is? I’ve yet to discover this for myself.
We can just skip the events of the game, and I think you all know why. At least the Carolina dancers were in attendance, which was one upside of the day. Now some of you may be wondering why a school would need a dance squad when we already have a cheerleading squad. Well, let’s see… they're college coeds in tight pants and halter tops. Enough said. Unlike most of the other people in attendance, we stayed for the entire length of the game, even though the game was over probably before the fourth quarter even started. I have always stayed to the end of every game just so I can sing the alma mater. It’s called school pride. Or at least I think that's what it's called. I’m not entirely sure, I skipped most of my orientation when they went over all that stuff. The orientation leaders were all so upbeat and “super happy.” It was annoying.
So what have we learned today? Football is better than baseball, hands down. Yes, there are attractive girls in the band. You just don’t notice them because you’re too busy staring at the dance team and the cheerleaders. Strawberry shortcake makes a horrible metaphor for grunge music. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, as long as you have more points than the other team. And last of all, Carolina may have lost to Virginia Tech this weekend, but at least they didn’t lose to Akron. I mean, NC State losing to Akron, now that’s just sad.
Back to the subject at hand: football. I don’t know about you, but I am a huge fan of college football. The NFL is ok, but I usually don’t pay much attention until the playoffs. Well, except for Chicago, I always cheer for the Bears (pronounced: “DA Bears”). When it comes right down to it though, I think college teams play with more heart and passion for the game than do the professionals who seem mostly interested in signing bonuses. I also like the college set-up better. You don’t have to wait until Christmas for the playoffs to begin, in college they begin in September. Lose one game and you’re out of the national championship. Last year the Ohio State vs. Texas game in the second week of the season was probably one of the biggest (if not the biggest) in determining who was going to the National Championship game. Then, Texas beat Ohio State and they went on to win the National Championship. This year the Buckeyes won. Will they be able to pull off a run to the final? We’ll have to wait and see.
Of course, my favorite college team is the University of North Carolina Tar Heels. Unfortunately, rooting for the Tar Heels isn’t the easiest thing to do. The football program isn’t quite on par with its rich basketball tradition. And you know what, that’s ok. You can’t really expect perfection in both programs. But it is nice to watch the football team pull off an upset every once in a while. The first Carolina sporting event I went to was the 2001 football game against Florida State where the Tar Heels thoroughly embarrassed the Seminoles, 41-9. Of course, that doesn’t happen very often, especially now that UNC has to play both Virginia Tech and Miami (of Florida) every year.
For those of you not in the know, last Saturday was the UNC game versus Virginia Tech. I had the distinct pleasure of attending. Ok, maybe it was a pleasure for most of the first quarter, but that’s about it. We don’t need to go into the details about the game, because that would just make me cry again. And you don’t want to make me cry, do you? Let’s just say the Carolina offense seems to take the field with only one goal in mind: to throw an interception. I mean really, that’s how it appeared to me.
Like I said, there’s no need to talk about the game, but I do want to talk about being at the game. College football is an experience like no other. In some collegiate stadiums the fans get so loud when their team is on defense, that the opposing quarterback cannot call an audible on the field because his teammates cannot hear him above the roar (for the record, its doesn’t get quite that loud in Kenan stadium). When was the last time that ever happened at a professional game? So I’ll give you a quick run down of my college football experience last weekend.
First off, since it was a 12pm game, I had to get up at 10am (waking up before noon is, as a generally rule, something I just don’t do). I drove into Chapel Hill early enough to miss most of the nasty traffic and find a decent parking place. Of course, being a college town, parking is a pain in the butt, and there’s people walking all over the place, so it’s far too easy and far too tempting to run over the pedestrians wearing Virginia Tech t-shirts. After getting the car parked, I met my friend on campus and hung out before game time to listen to the band. This is mainly because his girlfriend is in the band. And before you jump to any conclusions there are some pretty attractive band geeks, believe it or not. It is Carolina, and I have it on good authority that Carolina girls are the best in the world.
I have to admit, the band is pretty good. They did a rendition of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit that was reasonably true to the song. Well, except for the fact that they didn’t have any electric guitars. I felt a little odd about that, I know the band is trying to be hip, but grunge music without the guitars? That’s like eating strawberry shortcake without the strawberries. I mean, yeah the shortcake tastes good on its own, but shortcake has pretty much no point unless there’s strawberries involved in some way.
After the band finished its pre-game rituals, they took off from the quad and marched to the stadium. We followed behind in the mass of people and once again I had to suppress the urge to enact some very random acts of violence on people wearing Virginia Tech shirts. Although I have to admit, the Virginia Tech fans were very well behaved for the most part. Much better behaved than NC State fans have ever been. But I can’t blame the Wolfpack fans, I mean, if I had to walk through a bunch of tractors and cows on my way to class everyday, I’d be pretty pissed off too. What I haven’t been able to figure out though, is how all those cows can graze on NC State’s campus when the campus is completely paved over in bricks. I guess it’s just one of those mysteries of life.
Unfortunately, most of the seats in Kenan Stadium don’t have any shade and the sun can easily overheat you and give you some really bad tan lines. Thankfully, I didn’t have to deal with that, our seats had shade. Looking out over the stadium, you can see a sea of Carolina blue, as all the students, parents, alumni, and even faculty were wearing their school colors. Unfortunately there was a rather large consortium of Virginia Tech fans in attendance who were sitting around our section. By the way, can anyone tell me what a Hokie is? I’ve yet to discover this for myself.
We can just skip the events of the game, and I think you all know why. At least the Carolina dancers were in attendance, which was one upside of the day. Now some of you may be wondering why a school would need a dance squad when we already have a cheerleading squad. Well, let’s see… they're college coeds in tight pants and halter tops. Enough said. Unlike most of the other people in attendance, we stayed for the entire length of the game, even though the game was over probably before the fourth quarter even started. I have always stayed to the end of every game just so I can sing the alma mater. It’s called school pride. Or at least I think that's what it's called. I’m not entirely sure, I skipped most of my orientation when they went over all that stuff. The orientation leaders were all so upbeat and “super happy.” It was annoying.
So what have we learned today? Football is better than baseball, hands down. Yes, there are attractive girls in the band. You just don’t notice them because you’re too busy staring at the dance team and the cheerleaders. Strawberry shortcake makes a horrible metaphor for grunge music. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, as long as you have more points than the other team. And last of all, Carolina may have lost to Virginia Tech this weekend, but at least they didn’t lose to Akron. I mean, NC State losing to Akron, now that’s just sad.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Oh, Oh… Pick me! Pick me!
This past weekend marked the pinnacle of sporting events for the year. It was March Madness, Super Bowl Sunday, and the World Series all rolled into one. No, it wasn’t the start of the Stanley Cup playoffs. I’m talking about the NFL draft. Two days of nonstop action! Thankfully, ESPN was kind enough to display the draft without pause, even during commercial breaks.
Now I know what you’re thinking: How can one draft pick every 15 minutes be exciting? It just is. The waiting, the suspense, the agony… will Heismen winner Reggie Bush be the first pick? Will Vince Young get picked over Matt Leinhart? So many questions and you have to wait so darn long to find out. And those are the easy ones. What we really want to know is who is who will the Carolina Panthers select in the fifth round as the 155th overall pick? With all the top names gone and many of the smaller ones as well, who is left for them to pick up? What positions do the Panthers need to fill? The answer, of course, is Jeff King, a tight end from Virginia Tech. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
The action is cutthroat as teams look to out maneuver each other with their selections and their last minute trades. This is the time for the teams’ general managers and presidents to shine. All year long the players and coaches get the spotlight, but on this very special weekend, it’s the management that takes the field. And what do they get for their efforts? Practically nothing. Can you even name the GM for your favorite football team? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
I think the main problem with the draft is that there is no clear winner. Sure Huston got to pick first, but does that mean they won? We could let the industry analysts vote to decide who had the best draft picks and made the best trades. But since most analysts are former players and coaches, I think that would be entirely too biased. We could let viewers at home vote online for whom they think had the best draft. But I don’t trust the average viewer to have ingested all seven rounds thoroughly enough to make a sound decision. Instead, I have devised a simple way to choose a winner that is both unbiased and fair.
You take the average height of the players drafted for each team, and divide that by the average age. Then you multiply that number by pi (about 3.14). Add to that the number of current team members selected for the most recent Pro Bowl, and then multiply that by the absolute value of the difference between the age of the team’s head coach and its general manager. The team with the highest score wins. The secret is in the formula’s simplicity. I don’t think I could have made it any easier to keep track of. But just in case, I’ll write out the shorthand of the formula for you here:
[((AvHei/AvAge)*3.14)+ProB]*CoaAge-GMAge = team score
See, simplicity itself. But since I don’t happen to have a calculator nearby at the moment, I’m going to designate the winner of the 2006 NFL Draft to be Denver. Because, why the heck not? They deserve it just as much as anyone. So I’d personally like to congratulate the management team of the Denver Broncos for winning the first ever NFL Draft Champions Cup. Way to go team!
I’d also like to announce that the NFL Draft Champions Cup is not an actual cup. Nor is it any other sort of tangible object. The winning of the NFL Draft Champions Cup does not confer any special privileges or rights, monetary or otherwise, to the victor. You can get a special Certificate of Achievement for a reward. By request, I will email a copy of the Certificate to the winner of the NFL Draft Champions Cup, but the team’s management will be responsible for going to Kinko’s and paying to get the fancy print job done. I’m not running a charity here.
But I am hoping that this new award will pave the way for management to get new, lucrative endorsement deals. As I said before, the team management is often the forgotten, but extremely crucial, part of the professional sports team. In this day in age professional athletes make multimillion dollar deals with apparel companies. Coaches have even begun to make their way into commercials and brand endorsement. It’s certainly true even in college athletics where players are banned from endorsements, but coaches are not. This is evidenced in Duke Basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski (pronounced Sha-shefskey)… (I know I know, apparently the K makes a “sh” sound, crazy) participating in commercials during March Madness while watching his team get knocked out early in the tournament.
The time has finally come for the GM’s of pro sports to get their endorsements. Instead of signing with Reebok or Nike, I think management should sign with classy outfitters like Armani, Ralph Lauren and Sean John. Since management is always in the suits, they should endorse the people who make the suits. I for one would jump at the chance of owning a Marty Hurney sports coat (Carolina Panthers’ GM). I’m sure this new wave of endorsements would trigger a nationwide surge in demand for business suits. And I back this claim up with absolutely no relevant data whatsoever.
The bottom line: the NFL Draft rocks! And you should watch every second of it and devour each and every draft pick as if your life depended on it. Either that or you could actually get a life. It’s up to you.
Now I know what you’re thinking: How can one draft pick every 15 minutes be exciting? It just is. The waiting, the suspense, the agony… will Heismen winner Reggie Bush be the first pick? Will Vince Young get picked over Matt Leinhart? So many questions and you have to wait so darn long to find out. And those are the easy ones. What we really want to know is who is who will the Carolina Panthers select in the fifth round as the 155th overall pick? With all the top names gone and many of the smaller ones as well, who is left for them to pick up? What positions do the Panthers need to fill? The answer, of course, is Jeff King, a tight end from Virginia Tech. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
The action is cutthroat as teams look to out maneuver each other with their selections and their last minute trades. This is the time for the teams’ general managers and presidents to shine. All year long the players and coaches get the spotlight, but on this very special weekend, it’s the management that takes the field. And what do they get for their efforts? Practically nothing. Can you even name the GM for your favorite football team? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
I think the main problem with the draft is that there is no clear winner. Sure Huston got to pick first, but does that mean they won? We could let the industry analysts vote to decide who had the best draft picks and made the best trades. But since most analysts are former players and coaches, I think that would be entirely too biased. We could let viewers at home vote online for whom they think had the best draft. But I don’t trust the average viewer to have ingested all seven rounds thoroughly enough to make a sound decision. Instead, I have devised a simple way to choose a winner that is both unbiased and fair.
You take the average height of the players drafted for each team, and divide that by the average age. Then you multiply that number by pi (about 3.14). Add to that the number of current team members selected for the most recent Pro Bowl, and then multiply that by the absolute value of the difference between the age of the team’s head coach and its general manager. The team with the highest score wins. The secret is in the formula’s simplicity. I don’t think I could have made it any easier to keep track of. But just in case, I’ll write out the shorthand of the formula for you here:
[((AvHei/AvAge)*3.14)+ProB]*CoaAge-GMAge = team score
See, simplicity itself. But since I don’t happen to have a calculator nearby at the moment, I’m going to designate the winner of the 2006 NFL Draft to be Denver. Because, why the heck not? They deserve it just as much as anyone. So I’d personally like to congratulate the management team of the Denver Broncos for winning the first ever NFL Draft Champions Cup. Way to go team!
I’d also like to announce that the NFL Draft Champions Cup is not an actual cup. Nor is it any other sort of tangible object. The winning of the NFL Draft Champions Cup does not confer any special privileges or rights, monetary or otherwise, to the victor. You can get a special Certificate of Achievement for a reward. By request, I will email a copy of the Certificate to the winner of the NFL Draft Champions Cup, but the team’s management will be responsible for going to Kinko’s and paying to get the fancy print job done. I’m not running a charity here.
But I am hoping that this new award will pave the way for management to get new, lucrative endorsement deals. As I said before, the team management is often the forgotten, but extremely crucial, part of the professional sports team. In this day in age professional athletes make multimillion dollar deals with apparel companies. Coaches have even begun to make their way into commercials and brand endorsement. It’s certainly true even in college athletics where players are banned from endorsements, but coaches are not. This is evidenced in Duke Basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski (pronounced Sha-shefskey)… (I know I know, apparently the K makes a “sh” sound, crazy) participating in commercials during March Madness while watching his team get knocked out early in the tournament.
The time has finally come for the GM’s of pro sports to get their endorsements. Instead of signing with Reebok or Nike, I think management should sign with classy outfitters like Armani, Ralph Lauren and Sean John. Since management is always in the suits, they should endorse the people who make the suits. I for one would jump at the chance of owning a Marty Hurney sports coat (Carolina Panthers’ GM). I’m sure this new wave of endorsements would trigger a nationwide surge in demand for business suits. And I back this claim up with absolutely no relevant data whatsoever.
The bottom line: the NFL Draft rocks! And you should watch every second of it and devour each and every draft pick as if your life depended on it. Either that or you could actually get a life. It’s up to you.
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