I think its time we discussed the Golden Rule. Well, no not the “Do unto others…” golden rule. Now don’t get me wrong, that’s a very good rule, and there’s a lot you can learn from it. There are several corollaries that can be derived which I believe impact all our lives on a daily basis. In fact, that may be saved as a discussion for a later day. But today we have something much different and much more important to talk about.
Today we’re going to talk about the golden rule of dating. I’m sure each and every one of you has your own personal rules when it comes to finding your preferred significant other. And that’s okay. We’re all different people so we all approach the prospective mates differently. Nothing’s wrong with that. The Golden Rule, however, applies not to who you deem dateable, but rather, it describes the field you’re capable of selecting from. Let’s just get on with it, to avoid any further confusion.
The Golden Rule:
“You are only as good as your options.”
I think we all pretty much know that. You are only capable of dating people you know. Let’s just forget about the bar scene for just a minute. I know picking up girls in bars is perfectly acceptable and it happens every day. But for the vast majority of people, you tend to date someone you already are familiar with. Generally speaking, guys end up dating girls who are in their extended circle of friends.
Now that “extended circle” is made up of your current friends (people you hang out with socially on a daily or weekly basis), your coworkers, people who know your friends or coworkers, friends of your family members, people you see regularly in extracurricular activities (i.e. going to the gym, playing on a softball team, bowling, etc.), neighbors, and my all time favorite, your buddy’s girlfriend’s friends. So I know that’s a long list, and it’s not exhaustive in any sense, but I think it’s important that we define a few things to start off.
Now according to the Golden Rule, the chances are that you’re either currently dating, or in the future will date a girl from one of these groups. The point being, people tend to date those that they feel comfortable with. If you’ll bear with me, I’d like for you single guys to do a little exercise to help me illustrate the impact of this rule.
Make a list of all the girls you already know. Then cross out all the girls who currently have boyfriends. Next, cross out any girls you don’t have regular contact with. Then cross out all the girls who are unattainable and would never even bother giving you the time of day. Now cross out all the girls that you consider to be 100% completely un-dateable (girls who used to date your best friend, girls that are too young or too old, girls with crazy emotional problems, girls who like to kick puppies, etc.). Just remember that this characteristic varies widely from person to person. Finally you have your list of options. If it seems small and well, not exactly savory, don’t worry, we’re not done yet.
If you reverse the rule and look at things from a girl’s perspective (after all the Golden Rule applies to everyone equally) you can see that she will end up dating someone she already knows. From this we can derive a very important corollary.
Golden Rule Corollary One:
“Girls will date the best choice of their options.”
Technically speaking, girls will want to date the guy with the best overall package (looks, wealth, style, personality, etc). But girls don’t always get the guy they want, even some of the most attractive girls out there fail to get hit on by the guys they’re interested in. And remember, it’s the guys who have to make the first move, so girls are somewhat limited in their abilities to pick up guys. So naturally girls are stuck choosing from the list of guys who are hitting on them. And according to the corollary above, they’ll pick the guy they like best out of that list.
And herein lies your advantage. If you turn out to be one of the few guys a girl happens to know, you have the inside track. Girls tend to prefer being in relationships, and will generally date a guy, even if the guy isn’t what she considers top shelf. Using Corollary One, you have the opportunity to pick up a girl that would otherwise be unattainable. And let’s be honest here, all you care about is getting a hot chick. Women, well, they’re a little choosier, and that’s backed by scientific fact. Just read this article on CNN.com
So what happens if you can’t seem to get an attractive female, even using this corollary? Well, it is quite obvious then, that you’re options suck. And as stated by the Golden Rule itself, if your options suck, you suck. This leads us very nicely into our second corollary.
Golden Rule Corollary Two:
“You need better options.”
Now, I don’t care if you’re currently dating an insanely attractive girl who also happens to pull down six figures a year. I mean, great for you and all, but let’s be honest, you can never have too many options. You just never know when things are going to turn south. Sometimes things just go bad and the only remedy involves being in the arms of a gorgeous, nubile young woman. And even if you already have a few options worthy of note, well, it won’t hurt you to have a few more. Just trust me on this one.
So, Corollary Two states that you should always be willing to meet new people. It doesn’t even matter if you’re meeting new guys. I mean, guys have sisters, and cousins, and ex-girlfriends, and female friends, and even hot aunts. So don’t forget to be friendly to all people, male or female, beautiful or unsightly. Because, well, ugly chicks hang out with hot girls too. If you keep an open mind, you’ll find that there are many, many ways to meet potential mates.
Just remember, even if you’ve been feeling discouraged lately or down on your dateless luck, there’s always hope. Keep the Golden Rule in mind, and its corollaries and you’ve already got a good starting point. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and meet all the girls you can! I’m sure you’ll eventually find a girl desperate enough to consider dating you. In fact, I’m positive of it. Go get ‘em, tiger!
Showing posts with label girls. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girls. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Sex Feedback Questionnaire
Please fill out the form to the best of your ability.
I. Overall Experience
Select a number that corresponds to how strongly you agree with the statement, a 5 means that you strongly agree and 1 means you strongly disagree.
SD D N A SA
1. My partner set an appropriate mood 1 2 3 4 5
2. My partner’s cleanliness was satisfactory 1 2 3 4 5
3. My partner was attentive the entire time 1 2 3 4 5
4. My partner responded quickly and efficiently 1 2 3 4 5
5. My partner was very pleasing overall 1 2 3 4 5
II. Foreplay
Select a number that corresponds to how strongly you agree with the statement, a 5 means that you strongly agree and 1 means you strongly disagree.
SD D N A SA
6. The length of the foreplay was satisfactory 1 2 3 4 5
7. The foreplay was physically, sensually and
erotically pleasing 1 2 3 4 5
8. I was touched and teased in the spots that I
enjoy most 1 2 3 4 5
9. The intensity of the foreplay (rough, soft,
vigorous, slow, etc) was pleasing 1 2 3 4 5
10. The foreplay made me wanting and ready
for intercourse 1 2 3 4 5
III. Intercourse
Select a number that corresponds to how strongly you agree with the statement, a 5 means that you strongly agree and 1 means you strongly disagree.
SD D N A SA
11. My partner’s lasting power (length of
intercourse) was satisfactory 1 2 3 4 5
12. The position (or positions) we chose
for intercourse were pleasing to me 1 2 3 4 5
13. My partner paid attention to my needs
throughout 1 2 3 4 5
14. My partner’s technique was pleasing
(including angle, depth of penetration,
speed, intensity, etc.) 1 2 3 4 5
15. My partner elevated the experience to
increase my pleasure (included toys,
dirty talk, video camera, etc.) 1 2 3 4 5
IV. Oral Sex (if applicable)
Select a number that corresponds to how strongly you agree with the statement, a 5 means that you strongly agree and 1 means you strongly disagree.
SD D N A SA
16. My partner gave as much as he received 1 2 3 4 5
17. My partner’s technique was pleasing 1 2 3 4 5
18. My partner’s grooming habits were
satisfactory 1 2 3 4 5
19. My partner treated me with respect 1 2 3 4 5
20. Overall, I enjoyed the oral sex part of
the experience 1 2 3 4 5
V. Open-ended Questions
21. Please note two things that your partner did exceptionally well during your experience.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
22. Please note two things that your partner did not do well and could improve upon in the future.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
23. Please note anything else you wish to add about your experience.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
24. Please circle the phrase that best describes your feelings about the size of your partner’s erection (due to the sensitivity of this particular question, the answer choices have been changed slightly).
I’m sorry :: It’s an “okay” size
It did the job well enough :: Thank you, may I have another?
Are you a porn star? :: Too big, wouldn’t fit
Thank you for taking your time to fill out this questionnaire. Please leave your completed copy face down on the table next to the door before you leave. Don’t bother trying to call your partner tomorrow, he’ll be sure to call you. Have a wonderful day.
I. Overall Experience
Select a number that corresponds to how strongly you agree with the statement, a 5 means that you strongly agree and 1 means you strongly disagree.
SD D N A SA
1. My partner set an appropriate mood 1 2 3 4 5
2. My partner’s cleanliness was satisfactory 1 2 3 4 5
3. My partner was attentive the entire time 1 2 3 4 5
4. My partner responded quickly and efficiently 1 2 3 4 5
5. My partner was very pleasing overall 1 2 3 4 5
II. Foreplay
Select a number that corresponds to how strongly you agree with the statement, a 5 means that you strongly agree and 1 means you strongly disagree.
SD D N A SA
6. The length of the foreplay was satisfactory 1 2 3 4 5
7. The foreplay was physically, sensually and
erotically pleasing 1 2 3 4 5
8. I was touched and teased in the spots that I
enjoy most 1 2 3 4 5
9. The intensity of the foreplay (rough, soft,
vigorous, slow, etc) was pleasing 1 2 3 4 5
10. The foreplay made me wanting and ready
for intercourse 1 2 3 4 5
III. Intercourse
Select a number that corresponds to how strongly you agree with the statement, a 5 means that you strongly agree and 1 means you strongly disagree.
SD D N A SA
11. My partner’s lasting power (length of
intercourse) was satisfactory 1 2 3 4 5
12. The position (or positions) we chose
for intercourse were pleasing to me 1 2 3 4 5
13. My partner paid attention to my needs
throughout 1 2 3 4 5
14. My partner’s technique was pleasing
(including angle, depth of penetration,
speed, intensity, etc.) 1 2 3 4 5
15. My partner elevated the experience to
increase my pleasure (included toys,
dirty talk, video camera, etc.) 1 2 3 4 5
IV. Oral Sex (if applicable)
Select a number that corresponds to how strongly you agree with the statement, a 5 means that you strongly agree and 1 means you strongly disagree.
SD D N A SA
16. My partner gave as much as he received 1 2 3 4 5
17. My partner’s technique was pleasing 1 2 3 4 5
18. My partner’s grooming habits were
satisfactory 1 2 3 4 5
19. My partner treated me with respect 1 2 3 4 5
20. Overall, I enjoyed the oral sex part of
the experience 1 2 3 4 5
V. Open-ended Questions
21. Please note two things that your partner did exceptionally well during your experience.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
22. Please note two things that your partner did not do well and could improve upon in the future.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
23. Please note anything else you wish to add about your experience.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
24. Please circle the phrase that best describes your feelings about the size of your partner’s erection (due to the sensitivity of this particular question, the answer choices have been changed slightly).
I’m sorry :: It’s an “okay” size
It did the job well enough :: Thank you, may I have another?
Are you a porn star? :: Too big, wouldn’t fit
Thank you for taking your time to fill out this questionnaire. Please leave your completed copy face down on the table next to the door before you leave. Don’t bother trying to call your partner tomorrow, he’ll be sure to call you. Have a wonderful day.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I Do
Who would have thought that two little words would fill me with such dread and antipathy? I mean, they’re just words, right? What can two meaningless words, comprised of only three letters even, possibly wrought to affect me? To be honest, I’m not entirely sure, but I’m still scared of them. Scared out of my commitment fearing mind.
Luckily I’ve been able to avoid that particular phrase all the way up to this point in my life. Many of my friends haven’t been as fortunate (is fortunate the right word there?). My friend Andy got married almost two years ago, Jeremy had already tied the knot by that point, Frank got married this past weekend, and Jim is getting hitched in December (or so he says, that boy is notorious for changing his plans at the last second). I swear my high school buddies are dropping like flies all around me. I’m worried that one day the marriage bug will eventually hit me.
I bring this up because my friend Frank was wed recently. As I previously mentioned, he’s the latest in a long line of high school chums that have bit the dust, so to speak. And seeing how Frank is such an awesome guy (and he really is), I made the trek all the way up to the Land of Mary just to attend the festivities. I just hope he knows the seriousness of dragging me across two states just to watch his bachelorhood get buried. I mean, taking the time out of my schedule to go a frat party 300 miles away is no big deal. But suffering in a car for six hours for the sole purpose of watching a dear friend consign to what I consider to be an inconceivable error? Frank better know how lucky he is to have such a committed friend like me.
There was an upside to the weekend though. Free booze. That’s right, say it with me now, “free booze.” Now there are two words that’ll put a smile on my face. It’s a few more letters than the earlier scriptural pairing, but I think it has a much warmer, more soothing feel to it. Coincidentally, the alcohol itself tends to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And I’m pretty sure everyone likes to feel warm and fuzzy. But, as I alluded to earlier, this was no frat party, this was a wedding. I had to be on my best behavior… or rather, what passes as my best behavior after five or six drinks in an unfamiliar local.
Luckily there was an even more important reason to imbibe this weekend besides the fact that it was a wedding and there was alcohol aplenty… and the fact that I pretty much drink whenever I can get the chance… and well, do I really need a reason to drink? Frank made sure to have in attendance on his wedding day one keg of locally brewed beer and three separate varieties of bottled home brew. Now, for those of you who don’t normally have much to do with the small cap beers, allow me to enlighten you. Local brews are beers brewed locally. I came up with that all by myself, if you can believe it.
Seriously though, local brews are good stuff. They’re usually restaurants or small breweries that distribute beer only within very regional confines. Some of my favorite beers are made in my home state of North Carolina and only circulated inside its boarders. What can I say? I enjoy helping out the local mom and pop enterprises. And it doesn’t hurt that the breweries around here make some damned fine libations.
But homebrews are a little bit different. If you can’t tell by the word choice there, they’re actually made in a person’s home and are generally not made for profit (I’m just Captain Obvious today, aren’t I?). Homebrewers like to experiment and come up with not only new flavorings in beer, but also to tweak the tastes of existing beers. I’ve only had the pleasure of sampling a few homebrews before, but with a little bit of ingenuity and the right ingredients, I know a dedicated homebrewer can make a pretty good beer. Unfortunately it can get expensive when you factor in the costs of bottles and caps and other beer storage needs.
Frank and some of his friends have been cooking up their own beer for a few years now, and I tasted one of their recipes before and found it quite to my liking. I was especially happy to see that all three homebrews present at the wedding were new to me. In attendance were a raspberry wheat ale, an Irish red, and a rather nice amber. I was determined to try them all since each one seemed intriguing in its own right. My findings are as follows (in order of decreasing awesomeness): The amber beer was very good, as both Frank and Danny (the brewers) had advertised, the Irish red was pleasantly flavorsome and enjoyable, but the raspberry wheat ale I found to be a bit too fruity for my tastes. As a general rule, fruity beer equals not good beer. Well, unless you’re a chick, chicks like fruity stuff.
So I have to say, Frank’s wedding turned out to be an enjoyable event all around. However, this didn’t stop me from attempting to do what I resolutely consider my hallowed responsibility in this life. The night before the wedding, as the rehearsal dinner was winding down, I took Frank to the side and gave him the same advice I try to give every man just before his wedding day: RUN! Run and don’t look back! You know, for some strange reason, people never seem to take my advice. I really don’t know why either.
To his credit, Frank didn’t run. Even when a good family friend who had known his grandfather for many long years gave him the same advice (including offering to foot the bill for a one person plane ticket to the Bahamas), Frank stayed the course. That boy must be in love or something (ever notice how “love” is a four lettered word? I’m just putting that out there). Though in his defense Rosa, his fiancé, seems like a very nice young lady. Fiancé? No, they’re married now, Rosa is his wife. Wow, wife (yet another four letter word, amazing how these things keep piling up, huh?), it’s going to take me some time before I get used to using that word. I still have a hard time remembering to refer to Laura as Andy’s wife, not his girlfriend, and they’ve been married for two years! Sometimes I think I’m not really one of the fastest Hotwheels in the boxed set, if you know what I mean.
So what have we learned today? We learned that it’s okay to get married as long as you brew your own beer for the wedding. We also learned that “love”, “wife”, “girl”, and “commitment” are all four letter words, carrying eerily similar connotations with all those other four lettered words that aren’t exactly conversationally polite (oh, and don’t even try to tell me that “commitment” isn’t a four letter word, you can count all you want, but I’ve spent the better part of my twenty-four year existence proving that one particular obtuse fact, so please, don’t challenge me on this). And finally, we learned that weddings are really just funerals for a man’s single existence and all that he once was. Furthermore, the death of his bachelorhood is the necessary reagent that opens up the possibility of a new beginning of marriage and couplehood. It’s the Circle of Life (hey, I’m pontificating here, it doesn’t happen very often, just go with it). I might also be wise to point out that I’ve learned all I know about life from Disney movies. Go figure.
Luckily I’ve been able to avoid that particular phrase all the way up to this point in my life. Many of my friends haven’t been as fortunate (is fortunate the right word there?). My friend Andy got married almost two years ago, Jeremy had already tied the knot by that point, Frank got married this past weekend, and Jim is getting hitched in December (or so he says, that boy is notorious for changing his plans at the last second). I swear my high school buddies are dropping like flies all around me. I’m worried that one day the marriage bug will eventually hit me.
I bring this up because my friend Frank was wed recently. As I previously mentioned, he’s the latest in a long line of high school chums that have bit the dust, so to speak. And seeing how Frank is such an awesome guy (and he really is), I made the trek all the way up to the Land of Mary just to attend the festivities. I just hope he knows the seriousness of dragging me across two states just to watch his bachelorhood get buried. I mean, taking the time out of my schedule to go a frat party 300 miles away is no big deal. But suffering in a car for six hours for the sole purpose of watching a dear friend consign to what I consider to be an inconceivable error? Frank better know how lucky he is to have such a committed friend like me.
There was an upside to the weekend though. Free booze. That’s right, say it with me now, “free booze.” Now there are two words that’ll put a smile on my face. It’s a few more letters than the earlier scriptural pairing, but I think it has a much warmer, more soothing feel to it. Coincidentally, the alcohol itself tends to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And I’m pretty sure everyone likes to feel warm and fuzzy. But, as I alluded to earlier, this was no frat party, this was a wedding. I had to be on my best behavior… or rather, what passes as my best behavior after five or six drinks in an unfamiliar local.
Luckily there was an even more important reason to imbibe this weekend besides the fact that it was a wedding and there was alcohol aplenty… and the fact that I pretty much drink whenever I can get the chance… and well, do I really need a reason to drink? Frank made sure to have in attendance on his wedding day one keg of locally brewed beer and three separate varieties of bottled home brew. Now, for those of you who don’t normally have much to do with the small cap beers, allow me to enlighten you. Local brews are beers brewed locally. I came up with that all by myself, if you can believe it.
Seriously though, local brews are good stuff. They’re usually restaurants or small breweries that distribute beer only within very regional confines. Some of my favorite beers are made in my home state of North Carolina and only circulated inside its boarders. What can I say? I enjoy helping out the local mom and pop enterprises. And it doesn’t hurt that the breweries around here make some damned fine libations.
But homebrews are a little bit different. If you can’t tell by the word choice there, they’re actually made in a person’s home and are generally not made for profit (I’m just Captain Obvious today, aren’t I?). Homebrewers like to experiment and come up with not only new flavorings in beer, but also to tweak the tastes of existing beers. I’ve only had the pleasure of sampling a few homebrews before, but with a little bit of ingenuity and the right ingredients, I know a dedicated homebrewer can make a pretty good beer. Unfortunately it can get expensive when you factor in the costs of bottles and caps and other beer storage needs.
Frank and some of his friends have been cooking up their own beer for a few years now, and I tasted one of their recipes before and found it quite to my liking. I was especially happy to see that all three homebrews present at the wedding were new to me. In attendance were a raspberry wheat ale, an Irish red, and a rather nice amber. I was determined to try them all since each one seemed intriguing in its own right. My findings are as follows (in order of decreasing awesomeness): The amber beer was very good, as both Frank and Danny (the brewers) had advertised, the Irish red was pleasantly flavorsome and enjoyable, but the raspberry wheat ale I found to be a bit too fruity for my tastes. As a general rule, fruity beer equals not good beer. Well, unless you’re a chick, chicks like fruity stuff.
So I have to say, Frank’s wedding turned out to be an enjoyable event all around. However, this didn’t stop me from attempting to do what I resolutely consider my hallowed responsibility in this life. The night before the wedding, as the rehearsal dinner was winding down, I took Frank to the side and gave him the same advice I try to give every man just before his wedding day: RUN! Run and don’t look back! You know, for some strange reason, people never seem to take my advice. I really don’t know why either.
To his credit, Frank didn’t run. Even when a good family friend who had known his grandfather for many long years gave him the same advice (including offering to foot the bill for a one person plane ticket to the Bahamas), Frank stayed the course. That boy must be in love or something (ever notice how “love” is a four lettered word? I’m just putting that out there). Though in his defense Rosa, his fiancé, seems like a very nice young lady. Fiancé? No, they’re married now, Rosa is his wife. Wow, wife (yet another four letter word, amazing how these things keep piling up, huh?), it’s going to take me some time before I get used to using that word. I still have a hard time remembering to refer to Laura as Andy’s wife, not his girlfriend, and they’ve been married for two years! Sometimes I think I’m not really one of the fastest Hotwheels in the boxed set, if you know what I mean.
So what have we learned today? We learned that it’s okay to get married as long as you brew your own beer for the wedding. We also learned that “love”, “wife”, “girl”, and “commitment” are all four letter words, carrying eerily similar connotations with all those other four lettered words that aren’t exactly conversationally polite (oh, and don’t even try to tell me that “commitment” isn’t a four letter word, you can count all you want, but I’ve spent the better part of my twenty-four year existence proving that one particular obtuse fact, so please, don’t challenge me on this). And finally, we learned that weddings are really just funerals for a man’s single existence and all that he once was. Furthermore, the death of his bachelorhood is the necessary reagent that opens up the possibility of a new beginning of marriage and couplehood. It’s the Circle of Life (hey, I’m pontificating here, it doesn’t happen very often, just go with it). I might also be wise to point out that I’ve learned all I know about life from Disney movies. Go figure.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Women are Noise Pollution
You know, I’m not a religious man. I’ve never been baptized or gone out of my way to go to church or even took time to study the Bible. I know I’m probably the exception rather than the rule, but I’m ok with that. I’m pretty sure that if there was a God in Heaven, and He did love me, then the world would be a much different place. Namely, women would come with a volume control as a standard feature.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there isn’t a God up there, because, well, there very well might be. What I am saying, is that if He does indeed exist, then He most definitely does not have much love for me. If you know anything about me, then you know that women have always been, and will always be, the bane of my existence.
I enjoy the company of women just like any other man. What can I say? Women are fun creatures given the right circumstances. However, they are evil and vile mortals that want only to drink from men’s souls. They don’t mean to be, it’s just part of their being. It is some sort of inbred genetic code that science and modern technology have yet to crack. And I’m willing to bet that they never will. Such malevolence cannot be undone by mere science.
But I did not want to talk to you to day about the dark arts of the woman. No, today I merely wanted to discuss the reasons they are annoying. Yes, I believe we can all agree that those female creatures are annoying. Even women are aggravated by most of their kind. Foremost among the irritating mannerisms of the womenfolk, is the excessive abuse of the human languages. In other word, women like to talk.
Or to be more precise, for some strange reason, women really like to hear themselves talk. I don’t know what the compulsion is behind this, but it must stop. As I have said before, if there was a just and loving God, He would have put a volume control on every woman born. But since God has left mankind wanting in that regard, I have decided to step up and “fix” that particular feminine problem.
I have come up with an invention so daring, so utterly ingenious that it cannot hope to do anything but succeed. And by that I mean that it will most likely fail miserably. Let’s be honest with ourselves here, I don’t exactly have an endorsing track record here. Have no fear, however, as I still have faith in myself. I may not have faith in my contraption or my abilities, but I do have faith in myself, for what that’s worth.
I could draw you a sophisticated diagram showing off my work and how to replicate it, but I fear that would be a waste of time and paper. It would be much easier to put into words. A picture is worth a thousand words, yes, but it will take just a scant few to relay the ingenious device that I have devised. Please, read on.
Basically, all you have to do is to find an old volume dial from a decrepit television. I’d really much prefer the dial so you can easily and quickly turn to the desired noise level, rather than the much more recent volume +\- buttons that take longer to attune. Once you have found your dial take it, and weld it to the back of your woman. And, well, that’s pretty much it.
Once you have done that, you now have a volume control for your woman that you can use anytime. In reality you can weld it to any part of her body, but I suggest the middle of her back. That way, it does not deform any of the more redeeming physical qualities of the female. And let’s be honest, they can be quite attractive if they ever took the time and inclination to shut up. As far as I’m concerned, women should be seen and not heard.
Now I know there is one fatal flaw in my design. Just because you weld a volume dial to something doesn’t mean that the dial will turn and actually control the variation of noise. This is true. However, I assume that if you’re determined enough (or crazy enough) to forcibly connect a piece of metal into your beloved’s back, then you most likely capable of doing other, more insidious things to her. I know I don’t give women much credit for their smarts, but I do believe they are intelligent enough to know that a man who welds a volume control to her back, he is pretty damned serious when he tells her to be quiet, or else. I think women are smart enough to shut up at that point.
Then again, I’ve known girls who, for some reason or another, just can’t seem to shut themselves up. They continue to talk even when it’s in their best interest to stop. What can I do? I am but one man. I cannot “help” every woman out there. But then again, I’ve never been much help to women. My priorities lie with helping my fellow man. And this is what I have attempted to do here today.
So I beg of you, all of you women out there. Please try not to talk as much. Lower the volume, talk softer and less often. It is not just for me that I ask, but for you as well. Truth be told, women are much more beautiful when they keep their silence. Sure there are a handful of women in the world that actually become more attractive when they talk, but I can assure you that you are not one of them. You belong to the vast majority of women that, although attractive at first sight, instantly lose their physical appeal when that oral organ begins to move and sounds fly out.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Women should be seen and not heard. This is the universal truth that I live my life behind. Sure, there are other, more respectable causes to champion, but I like my ideals just fine. Hey, somebody has to do it. If not for me raising the banner and battle cry for men’s rights, who would?
I realize that women are not mere objects meant for men’s possession, but I’m allowed to fantasize of this dream, right? Guys need to know that sometimes it’s ok to be a man. Most of our lives we melt around the fairer sex and bend to their wills. But you know what, sometimes it’s perfectly all right to sit down, drink a cold frosty beer, watch some football, and tell your woman to shut up. Seriously, it’s ok. You can tell her I said so.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there isn’t a God up there, because, well, there very well might be. What I am saying, is that if He does indeed exist, then He most definitely does not have much love for me. If you know anything about me, then you know that women have always been, and will always be, the bane of my existence.
I enjoy the company of women just like any other man. What can I say? Women are fun creatures given the right circumstances. However, they are evil and vile mortals that want only to drink from men’s souls. They don’t mean to be, it’s just part of their being. It is some sort of inbred genetic code that science and modern technology have yet to crack. And I’m willing to bet that they never will. Such malevolence cannot be undone by mere science.
But I did not want to talk to you to day about the dark arts of the woman. No, today I merely wanted to discuss the reasons they are annoying. Yes, I believe we can all agree that those female creatures are annoying. Even women are aggravated by most of their kind. Foremost among the irritating mannerisms of the womenfolk, is the excessive abuse of the human languages. In other word, women like to talk.
Or to be more precise, for some strange reason, women really like to hear themselves talk. I don’t know what the compulsion is behind this, but it must stop. As I have said before, if there was a just and loving God, He would have put a volume control on every woman born. But since God has left mankind wanting in that regard, I have decided to step up and “fix” that particular feminine problem.
I have come up with an invention so daring, so utterly ingenious that it cannot hope to do anything but succeed. And by that I mean that it will most likely fail miserably. Let’s be honest with ourselves here, I don’t exactly have an endorsing track record here. Have no fear, however, as I still have faith in myself. I may not have faith in my contraption or my abilities, but I do have faith in myself, for what that’s worth.
I could draw you a sophisticated diagram showing off my work and how to replicate it, but I fear that would be a waste of time and paper. It would be much easier to put into words. A picture is worth a thousand words, yes, but it will take just a scant few to relay the ingenious device that I have devised. Please, read on.
Basically, all you have to do is to find an old volume dial from a decrepit television. I’d really much prefer the dial so you can easily and quickly turn to the desired noise level, rather than the much more recent volume +\- buttons that take longer to attune. Once you have found your dial take it, and weld it to the back of your woman. And, well, that’s pretty much it.
Once you have done that, you now have a volume control for your woman that you can use anytime. In reality you can weld it to any part of her body, but I suggest the middle of her back. That way, it does not deform any of the more redeeming physical qualities of the female. And let’s be honest, they can be quite attractive if they ever took the time and inclination to shut up. As far as I’m concerned, women should be seen and not heard.
Now I know there is one fatal flaw in my design. Just because you weld a volume dial to something doesn’t mean that the dial will turn and actually control the variation of noise. This is true. However, I assume that if you’re determined enough (or crazy enough) to forcibly connect a piece of metal into your beloved’s back, then you most likely capable of doing other, more insidious things to her. I know I don’t give women much credit for their smarts, but I do believe they are intelligent enough to know that a man who welds a volume control to her back, he is pretty damned serious when he tells her to be quiet, or else. I think women are smart enough to shut up at that point.
Then again, I’ve known girls who, for some reason or another, just can’t seem to shut themselves up. They continue to talk even when it’s in their best interest to stop. What can I do? I am but one man. I cannot “help” every woman out there. But then again, I’ve never been much help to women. My priorities lie with helping my fellow man. And this is what I have attempted to do here today.
So I beg of you, all of you women out there. Please try not to talk as much. Lower the volume, talk softer and less often. It is not just for me that I ask, but for you as well. Truth be told, women are much more beautiful when they keep their silence. Sure there are a handful of women in the world that actually become more attractive when they talk, but I can assure you that you are not one of them. You belong to the vast majority of women that, although attractive at first sight, instantly lose their physical appeal when that oral organ begins to move and sounds fly out.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Women should be seen and not heard. This is the universal truth that I live my life behind. Sure, there are other, more respectable causes to champion, but I like my ideals just fine. Hey, somebody has to do it. If not for me raising the banner and battle cry for men’s rights, who would?
I realize that women are not mere objects meant for men’s possession, but I’m allowed to fantasize of this dream, right? Guys need to know that sometimes it’s ok to be a man. Most of our lives we melt around the fairer sex and bend to their wills. But you know what, sometimes it’s perfectly all right to sit down, drink a cold frosty beer, watch some football, and tell your woman to shut up. Seriously, it’s ok. You can tell her I said so.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
You Have Entered the Forbidden Zone
It is now exactly two weeks and one day until we come out of the dreaded Forbidden Zone. I may have mentioned this before, although I’m not sure, but the Forbidden Zone is something that I made up entirely on my own. And don’t worry, it’s not some crazy part of a comic book universe that makes no sense in the overall scheme of things but makes up for it by sounding really cool. No, the Forbidden Zone isn’t even a place, real or imaginary. It’s really more of a state of mind.
Actually, it’s a time frame. The Forbidden Zone is a vastly important time of every calendar year that I observe each and every time around. It begins on November 14th and ends after February 14th. This three month span of the year is dubbed “The Forbidden Zone” because it is absolutely crucial that you avoid relationships during that time span. So basically, don’t let women get close to you, or better yet, don’t date any girls for that whole three month period.
Now bear with me, because I have some very good reasons for telling you this. The winter holidays are supposed to be a time of loving and caring, rejoicing and appreciating. But in reality, and I’m sure we’re all feeling the reality of it right now, those holidays are about making us spend money. Think about it. How much of your hard earned cash have you spent on your loved ones since mid-November? And how thin is your pocket book looking right now? I’m even willing to bet that you have plans to spend even more money (whether or not you can afford it) come February 14th.
Let me tell you that this particular part of the year is very important to our economy. I don’t want you to quit spending money altogether, just stop spending it on dates. During the winter holidays of Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and whatever else it is that you may celebrate, literally billions of dollars are sent roaming through the economy. And this is a good thing. We depend on this influx of money every year, and without it, our economy would flat-line and the integrity of our country as a whole would be in danger. Whole societies have crumbled beneath the under-indulgent weight of a lackluster winter holiday sales slump. Rome is a prime example.
Sure, the historians say it was a mix of splitting the empire, the increase in barbarian raids, and the unsure method of selecting a new emperor. But I know the truth. We all know the empire was in decline, but they were still rich and they had the largest army on the planet. All it took was one lousy Saturnalia (which is the ancient Roman holiday that takes place around the same time as Christmas). For some reason that we may never know, the great and wealthy Romans decided not to go out and spend massive amounts of money for their holiday. Alas, there were no decorated fig trees, no Saturnalia Games in the Coliseum, and no Roman orgies. Hey, get your head out of the gutter! The Roman orgy was a large party of Roman elites that ate and drank excessively, even to the point of forcing themselves to throw up so they could eat and drink more. It reminds me of college.
So you see, without the large amounts of coin being pass around, the Roman economy grinded to a halt and led to its eventual destruction starting when Rome itself was sacked by the Visigoths in 410 AD. Moral of the story: if you don’t spend lots of money during the holidays, Rome gets sacked by barbarians. Ok, that’s more of a history lesson than even I need.
So why have I designed this Forbidden Zone? We all now know that emptying our wallets during the cold months keeps our country from falling apart. So why would I warn you about this particular time? Well, it’s all due to the one element which is recognized by all scientists to drain your money faster than anything else. It’s woman. The Forbidden Zone is a period in time where you should avoid dating women. If not, you will end up spending more money in this three month period, than you will for the rest of the women you meet for the other nine months combined.
Now don’t get me wrong. If you already have a long term relationship going into November 14th, then by all means, keep it going. You shouldn’t dump a girl just because you’re about to hit the Forbidden Zone. Hey, you got yourself into that mess, don’t expect me to get you out. And if you’re married… well then you have my condolences. You’re beyond even my help.
Honestly, I just want you to do one favor for me. This Valentine’s Day, when you’re planning on taking out a person of the female persuasion, just ask yourself: “Is she worth it?” Take a long look at how much money you’re squandering on this particular female and decide if you’re really going to be happy with the way you’ve spent your hard earned cash.
I mean, if your date is planning on bringing over some girl she kind of knows from her gym later that night to join you, well then by all means spend as much money as you can afford. But if your date is going to give you a hug and tell you how good of a friend you are before leaving you alone for the rest of the evening, well, was it really worth spending $200? Because if your answer is yes, I can just come over there, set your two hundred dollar bills on fire and kick you in the balls repeatedly while you watch your money turn to ash in front of your eyes. That will take all of five minutes, and you can have the rest of the evening to play Halo 2 (or whatever multiplayer game it is your kids are playing these days).
I just want to make on thing straight. I don’t hate Valentine’s Day. The fact is, I’ve never had a date on the holiday before, and that doesn’t bother me one bit. Personally I feel that if there is a girl that I care about enough to take out and spend that much money on, then I’ll do it. But if there isn’t a girl in my life who just is that special, then there’s really no point. I have better things to do with my time and money than waste them on someone I don’t really care that much about. What really gets me angry is all of the guys I talk to feel they need to have a date for Valentine’s Day. It’s like their life is worthless without one. But that’s just not true.
There’s nothing special about February 14th. In reality, it’s just another day out of the year. If you don’t have a date lined up, then please don’t even bother worrying about it. You’ll be saving yourself plenty of money and tons of headaches. Trust me on that one. And if anyone asks you about it or makes fun of you, just tell them that you’re stuck in the Forbidden Zone. Once February 14th passes, you’ll be free to date again. Free to hang out with annoying women who only care about your money and not about who you really are as a person. Ah, the wonderful world of dating, how I’ve missed you these past three months!
Actually, it’s a time frame. The Forbidden Zone is a vastly important time of every calendar year that I observe each and every time around. It begins on November 14th and ends after February 14th. This three month span of the year is dubbed “The Forbidden Zone” because it is absolutely crucial that you avoid relationships during that time span. So basically, don’t let women get close to you, or better yet, don’t date any girls for that whole three month period.
Now bear with me, because I have some very good reasons for telling you this. The winter holidays are supposed to be a time of loving and caring, rejoicing and appreciating. But in reality, and I’m sure we’re all feeling the reality of it right now, those holidays are about making us spend money. Think about it. How much of your hard earned cash have you spent on your loved ones since mid-November? And how thin is your pocket book looking right now? I’m even willing to bet that you have plans to spend even more money (whether or not you can afford it) come February 14th.
Let me tell you that this particular part of the year is very important to our economy. I don’t want you to quit spending money altogether, just stop spending it on dates. During the winter holidays of Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and whatever else it is that you may celebrate, literally billions of dollars are sent roaming through the economy. And this is a good thing. We depend on this influx of money every year, and without it, our economy would flat-line and the integrity of our country as a whole would be in danger. Whole societies have crumbled beneath the under-indulgent weight of a lackluster winter holiday sales slump. Rome is a prime example.
Sure, the historians say it was a mix of splitting the empire, the increase in barbarian raids, and the unsure method of selecting a new emperor. But I know the truth. We all know the empire was in decline, but they were still rich and they had the largest army on the planet. All it took was one lousy Saturnalia (which is the ancient Roman holiday that takes place around the same time as Christmas). For some reason that we may never know, the great and wealthy Romans decided not to go out and spend massive amounts of money for their holiday. Alas, there were no decorated fig trees, no Saturnalia Games in the Coliseum, and no Roman orgies. Hey, get your head out of the gutter! The Roman orgy was a large party of Roman elites that ate and drank excessively, even to the point of forcing themselves to throw up so they could eat and drink more. It reminds me of college.
So you see, without the large amounts of coin being pass around, the Roman economy grinded to a halt and led to its eventual destruction starting when Rome itself was sacked by the Visigoths in 410 AD. Moral of the story: if you don’t spend lots of money during the holidays, Rome gets sacked by barbarians. Ok, that’s more of a history lesson than even I need.
So why have I designed this Forbidden Zone? We all now know that emptying our wallets during the cold months keeps our country from falling apart. So why would I warn you about this particular time? Well, it’s all due to the one element which is recognized by all scientists to drain your money faster than anything else. It’s woman. The Forbidden Zone is a period in time where you should avoid dating women. If not, you will end up spending more money in this three month period, than you will for the rest of the women you meet for the other nine months combined.
Now don’t get me wrong. If you already have a long term relationship going into November 14th, then by all means, keep it going. You shouldn’t dump a girl just because you’re about to hit the Forbidden Zone. Hey, you got yourself into that mess, don’t expect me to get you out. And if you’re married… well then you have my condolences. You’re beyond even my help.
Honestly, I just want you to do one favor for me. This Valentine’s Day, when you’re planning on taking out a person of the female persuasion, just ask yourself: “Is she worth it?” Take a long look at how much money you’re squandering on this particular female and decide if you’re really going to be happy with the way you’ve spent your hard earned cash.
I mean, if your date is planning on bringing over some girl she kind of knows from her gym later that night to join you, well then by all means spend as much money as you can afford. But if your date is going to give you a hug and tell you how good of a friend you are before leaving you alone for the rest of the evening, well, was it really worth spending $200? Because if your answer is yes, I can just come over there, set your two hundred dollar bills on fire and kick you in the balls repeatedly while you watch your money turn to ash in front of your eyes. That will take all of five minutes, and you can have the rest of the evening to play Halo 2 (or whatever multiplayer game it is your kids are playing these days).
I just want to make on thing straight. I don’t hate Valentine’s Day. The fact is, I’ve never had a date on the holiday before, and that doesn’t bother me one bit. Personally I feel that if there is a girl that I care about enough to take out and spend that much money on, then I’ll do it. But if there isn’t a girl in my life who just is that special, then there’s really no point. I have better things to do with my time and money than waste them on someone I don’t really care that much about. What really gets me angry is all of the guys I talk to feel they need to have a date for Valentine’s Day. It’s like their life is worthless without one. But that’s just not true.
There’s nothing special about February 14th. In reality, it’s just another day out of the year. If you don’t have a date lined up, then please don’t even bother worrying about it. You’ll be saving yourself plenty of money and tons of headaches. Trust me on that one. And if anyone asks you about it or makes fun of you, just tell them that you’re stuck in the Forbidden Zone. Once February 14th passes, you’ll be free to date again. Free to hang out with annoying women who only care about your money and not about who you really are as a person. Ah, the wonderful world of dating, how I’ve missed you these past three months!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I Wish I Was a Sentimental Ornament
Did you see the game Monday night? I know there’s all sorts of exciting shows about “heroes” on Monday nights (even though I still say the X-Men animated series that aired on Fox back in the 90’s was way better), but how can you pass up a chance to watch Chicago play football? Well, I can’t. Living in North Carolina is nice, but one drawback is that network television doesn’t broadcast NFC North games (that’s Midwestern teams) in this area. But hey, Monday Night Football is nationally broadcasted, thank you ESPN.
So did you see it? Did you see Rex Grossman not cough the ball up a single time? Did you see Devin Hester run for two touchdowns on kick off returns (breaking the single season return for TD record)? And that is especially spectacular seeing as how on his second TD kick-off return the Bears had “the hands” team on the field. Basically that means he had the skinny wide receivers and defensive backs blocking for him, and he still ran the ball right up the middle and into the end zone. Not only is he that good, but after the game in an interview he gave credit for his accomplishments to God, his teammates, and to his mommy. Aww, isn’t that nice? I’m just glad to see that at least one person who came through the University of Miami’s program in recent years isn’t a total screw up.
But hey, if you want to know all about the football game, you can go over to ESPN.com or you can be like me and check out the story on the Chicago Bears official site. Yes, I’m that big of a Bears fan boy. Feel free to make fun of me. Also, Rex Grossman is my hero. Feel free to make fun of me again.
Ok, now that I got all of that out of my system (DAAA BEARS!)… yes, now that it’s all out of my system, I can get on with this weeks silliness. So, it’s the holidays, and yes now that Thanksgiving is over, so it’s officially the holidays. It’s the time of year for so many things: overplayed songs, fat jolly men, elves (when the hell did a Lord of the Rings character get to be a Christmas symbol?), candy canes, and last minute shopping. And I’d like to take some time to talk about the last one, if I can.
I’ve never been a huge fan of holiday shopping. Let’s face it; I’ve never been a huge fan of shopping for anything. Heck, I go clothes shopping maybe twice a year, and that’s only if a cute blonde drags me to the mall so she can pick up a new pair of outrageously priced pants. Have I ever told you how much of a sucker I am for a girl in tight pants?
But I regress. I was talking about Christmas shopping before I got waylaid by images of blonde cheerleaders dancing in my head (sugarplums are totally overrated). You know, there are parts to the holiday that are really fun. On Christmas morning, when you see a loved one open up a present and they are surprised and overjoyed at the wonderful gift you bought them, it’s just an awesome feeling. It would be great if I could do that each and every year. Unfortunately, it isn’t always easy picking out gifts for people.
Let’s talk about my dad for a few minutes. What do you get a man who already has a table saw, drill press, router table, and a planer? At this point in his life he has more variable speed power drills than most small nations, so I can’t get him one of those. Although, let’s be honest here, a man can never have too many power drills, that is just a solid fact. So trying to find a gift for him isn’t the easiest of mental exercises. But I managed to pick him up something that I think he’ll get some use out of… hopefully.
And then there’s my mom. Two years ago I bought her a book. To this day I still don’t think she’s read it. I have to cut her some slack though, since the school she works at made her head of her department this year, despite the fact that she and my dad will be moving next summer (yes, because having someone for only one year in a leadership role makes complete sense). Last year I got her some loaf pans because she’s a bit of a baking fiend around the holidays. And that doesn’t exactly do wonders for my waist line (it’s sad that I have to worry about that, I must be getting old). I moved away from bake ware this year, so I hope she likes what I bought her.
Then there’s my brother. Luckily he decided that we shouldn’t exchange presents anymore. This makes my job tons easier seeing as how my brother has always been hard when it came to the holiday gift giving. Upon hearing this, he quickly rebuked that he was not in any way difficult to shop for. Apparently he forgot all about the nine hour stalk for a winter jacket that spanned between two different cities, back when he was in high school. Let me tell you, those were fun times. And by fun, I mean they were horrible. I already had a winter jacket. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play my Super Nintendo (this was a few year back, you know), but no, I had to be dragged along all over the place just so my brother could finally pick out an overpriced, dull, brown coat. Thanks big brother, you’re really an inspiration to me.
Well, that’s the end of my list. Two gifts, shortest Christmas shopping list ever! As you can see, there are no females to shop for this year. Fortunately, I was able to dodge any and all relationship attempts for the past month or so. I think you all know that by mid-November you need to check romantic interactions and wait for the holidays to pass. Personally I think that between November 15th and February 15th, you should avoid dating and relationships. It saves you tons of money and trouble. And trust me, there’s always trouble.
If you happen to already be in a relationship prior to the avoidance period, that’s perfectly ok. Your girlfriend (or wife or fiancé or what-have-you) has sufficiently stuck around and put up with your crap long enough, that she deserves to be rewarded with a present. Just remember to follow the guidelines: no jewelry for the first year, no diamonds unless you plan to marry her, no puppies at all (yes I know they’re cute, but who do you think is going to have to clean up after it?), and you’re only allowed to get her a scented candle once (generally at your first shared Christmas/birthday/anniversary).
Oh, and just a helpful note. Your feminine significant other might tell you that you don’t have to do anything special for the holiday. Let me translate this for you, since some guys seem to not get the hint. What she’s really saying is: “You have to do something special for me. Because if you don’t I will be very hurt and will feel like you don’t love or care about me. And your chances of getting laid will drop significantly.” Hey, I may not understand women (and I probably never will), but you really need to trust me on this one. You know as well as I do that women tend to misstate the truth at times.
As for me, I have a pretty short list this year. I merely asked for a Gregory Palisade backpack , Final Fantasy 12 for the Playstation 2, and Final Fantasy 3 for the Nintendo DS. And if you must know, yes, I’m a Final Fantasy fan boy as well. So please, by all means, feel free to make fun of me yet one more time.
So did you see it? Did you see Rex Grossman not cough the ball up a single time? Did you see Devin Hester run for two touchdowns on kick off returns (breaking the single season return for TD record)? And that is especially spectacular seeing as how on his second TD kick-off return the Bears had “the hands” team on the field. Basically that means he had the skinny wide receivers and defensive backs blocking for him, and he still ran the ball right up the middle and into the end zone. Not only is he that good, but after the game in an interview he gave credit for his accomplishments to God, his teammates, and to his mommy. Aww, isn’t that nice? I’m just glad to see that at least one person who came through the University of Miami’s program in recent years isn’t a total screw up.
But hey, if you want to know all about the football game, you can go over to ESPN.com or you can be like me and check out the story on the Chicago Bears official site. Yes, I’m that big of a Bears fan boy. Feel free to make fun of me. Also, Rex Grossman is my hero. Feel free to make fun of me again.
Ok, now that I got all of that out of my system (DAAA BEARS!)… yes, now that it’s all out of my system, I can get on with this weeks silliness. So, it’s the holidays, and yes now that Thanksgiving is over, so it’s officially the holidays. It’s the time of year for so many things: overplayed songs, fat jolly men, elves (when the hell did a Lord of the Rings character get to be a Christmas symbol?), candy canes, and last minute shopping. And I’d like to take some time to talk about the last one, if I can.
I’ve never been a huge fan of holiday shopping. Let’s face it; I’ve never been a huge fan of shopping for anything. Heck, I go clothes shopping maybe twice a year, and that’s only if a cute blonde drags me to the mall so she can pick up a new pair of outrageously priced pants. Have I ever told you how much of a sucker I am for a girl in tight pants?
But I regress. I was talking about Christmas shopping before I got waylaid by images of blonde cheerleaders dancing in my head (sugarplums are totally overrated). You know, there are parts to the holiday that are really fun. On Christmas morning, when you see a loved one open up a present and they are surprised and overjoyed at the wonderful gift you bought them, it’s just an awesome feeling. It would be great if I could do that each and every year. Unfortunately, it isn’t always easy picking out gifts for people.
Let’s talk about my dad for a few minutes. What do you get a man who already has a table saw, drill press, router table, and a planer? At this point in his life he has more variable speed power drills than most small nations, so I can’t get him one of those. Although, let’s be honest here, a man can never have too many power drills, that is just a solid fact. So trying to find a gift for him isn’t the easiest of mental exercises. But I managed to pick him up something that I think he’ll get some use out of… hopefully.
And then there’s my mom. Two years ago I bought her a book. To this day I still don’t think she’s read it. I have to cut her some slack though, since the school she works at made her head of her department this year, despite the fact that she and my dad will be moving next summer (yes, because having someone for only one year in a leadership role makes complete sense). Last year I got her some loaf pans because she’s a bit of a baking fiend around the holidays. And that doesn’t exactly do wonders for my waist line (it’s sad that I have to worry about that, I must be getting old). I moved away from bake ware this year, so I hope she likes what I bought her.
Then there’s my brother. Luckily he decided that we shouldn’t exchange presents anymore. This makes my job tons easier seeing as how my brother has always been hard when it came to the holiday gift giving. Upon hearing this, he quickly rebuked that he was not in any way difficult to shop for. Apparently he forgot all about the nine hour stalk for a winter jacket that spanned between two different cities, back when he was in high school. Let me tell you, those were fun times. And by fun, I mean they were horrible. I already had a winter jacket. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play my Super Nintendo (this was a few year back, you know), but no, I had to be dragged along all over the place just so my brother could finally pick out an overpriced, dull, brown coat. Thanks big brother, you’re really an inspiration to me.
Well, that’s the end of my list. Two gifts, shortest Christmas shopping list ever! As you can see, there are no females to shop for this year. Fortunately, I was able to dodge any and all relationship attempts for the past month or so. I think you all know that by mid-November you need to check romantic interactions and wait for the holidays to pass. Personally I think that between November 15th and February 15th, you should avoid dating and relationships. It saves you tons of money and trouble. And trust me, there’s always trouble.
If you happen to already be in a relationship prior to the avoidance period, that’s perfectly ok. Your girlfriend (or wife or fiancé or what-have-you) has sufficiently stuck around and put up with your crap long enough, that she deserves to be rewarded with a present. Just remember to follow the guidelines: no jewelry for the first year, no diamonds unless you plan to marry her, no puppies at all (yes I know they’re cute, but who do you think is going to have to clean up after it?), and you’re only allowed to get her a scented candle once (generally at your first shared Christmas/birthday/anniversary).
Oh, and just a helpful note. Your feminine significant other might tell you that you don’t have to do anything special for the holiday. Let me translate this for you, since some guys seem to not get the hint. What she’s really saying is: “You have to do something special for me. Because if you don’t I will be very hurt and will feel like you don’t love or care about me. And your chances of getting laid will drop significantly.” Hey, I may not understand women (and I probably never will), but you really need to trust me on this one. You know as well as I do that women tend to misstate the truth at times.
As for me, I have a pretty short list this year. I merely asked for a Gregory Palisade backpack , Final Fantasy 12 for the Playstation 2, and Final Fantasy 3 for the Nintendo DS. And if you must know, yes, I’m a Final Fantasy fan boy as well. So please, by all means, feel free to make fun of me yet one more time.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
When the Truth Walks Away, Everybody Stays
Let’s be honest with ourselves for just a minute, everybody lies. Everyone. You, me, your parents, your minister, and your government officials; they all lie. Lying has become so ingrained in the human conscious that cheating on your taxes, SATs, and family board games has become perfectly acceptable in society. Hey, if nobody notices and you get away with it, it’s not technically lying.
So why do I bring this up? Well, it’s due to the issues I’ve been having lately with women. Yes, it always comes back to women. Now, I’ve always been told that women want me to be honest with them. And this I believed to be true. But as it turns out, as with most of your preconceptions with women, this is completely false. Women prefer being lied to. It’s true, they don’t want honesty. Case in point:
The other day I was talking with some of the girls I know in my never ending quest to discover what actually takes place in the female mind. The talk turned towards relationships, and being that I’m a single guy, the girls thought there was something wrong with me that they needed to fix by finding me a girlfriend. Girls are just crazy like that. So they asked me what I was looking for in a woman. I though about it for a few moments and replied that it would be nice to have a girl that was into threesomes.
Now I didn’t know that there was a wrong answer to a question based solely on opinion, but apparently that was the wrong answer. Now I know what you’re thinking, you think I’m some sort of perverted pig. Well, I won’t argue with you there. But I do want to point out what should be relatively obvious: I’m single, I’m not looking for a serious relationship, and by saying I’m looking for a girl who’s into threesomes, I’m merely looking for a fairly laid back relationship that’s more about enjoying the here and now rather than planning for the future.
Even with those observably palpable facts, I still said the wrong thing. Even if it was the truth, it was wrong. The girls I was talking were clearly upset. After some time thinking it over, I really do believe that they wanted me to lie to them. They would have preferred an affable falsehood wrapped up in a bowtie of white lies. I should have said something along the lines of: I’m looking for a girl who is not only attractive, but intelligent and witty, and has a wonderful personality that really completes me.
Honestly, I have no idea what the hell that means, but it seems like the sort of thing girls go for. What does “she completes me” even mean? Well, if I had lots of money I’d feel pretty complete. Maybe that means I should date a rich woman. But I can’t say that, because it’s the truth. I would need a much more innocent sounding lie. So how about… I really don’t care how much money a girl has, it’s what’s inside that counts the most. (WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HAHAHAHAHA. Wow, I bet you actually believed that for a moment, didn’t you? Wow.)
Why is it that women prefer lies to the actual, factual truth? Looking back on things I realize that every time I have ever been up front and honest with a woman, I have pissed her off. But then when I lie to them and tell them what I think they want to hear, they end up feeling really good about themselves. Now if I were a simpler animal, one that only responds to the rewards and punishments given to him, I would lie my ass off every chance I got. Luckily, I’m a rational being capable of much more complex and philosophical thought. And all the writings of Sophocles and Plato and Voltaire lead me to one conclusion: Women are batty.
After long nights of introspection and deep cerebral thought, I think I may have solved the conundrum. Women don’t necessarily want to be lied to; they just want the physical reality to shift to a point where it lines up with their ideal world. This means that women want you to be thoughtful and dependable and caring (and let’s be honest, those aren’t exactly your strong suits). They want you to enjoy the chick flick they dragged you out to since it would indicate that you were in touch with your feelings. So next time you are forced to see one of those less-than-Schwarzenegger movies be prepared to tell her afterwards that you thought the movie was deep and that you felt a real emotional connection with the characters. That’s a good lie to use. Don’t tell her the truth; that the movie needed more explosions and lesbian scenes. That’s just asking for trouble.
I think it’s about time we started giving women what they want. The females in this country have had to endure a lot. They have to fight constant sexism at work to get paid 80% of what their male counterparts do, only to come home to a husband/boyfriend who doesn’t always appreciate them. So it is time we did something nice for our women. As I’ve so logically pointed out, women really and truly want to be lied to. So we all need to make a concerted effort to lie to the women in our lives. Tell as many fibs and untruths as you can. Your woman will thank you for it.
I’m sure all you women out there are reading this and are positively upset. You think you want the truth, but that is untrue. Just remember that your words are cheap. It doesn’t matter if you say you want honestly and forthrightness. Guys are more motivated more by your actions than by your words. When you punish a man for being honest and reward him for lying, you drive his behavior. And then you wonder why every guy you ever dated was a lying scum-bucket.
The way I see it, women can’t be upset when I lie to them. They lie to me everyday. They tell me they want guys to be honest, when in reality, they are much happier when they get dishonesty. Women tell me they want a nice guy, and then they always go out of their way to date a complete jerk (the reasons behind this are many and varied and are well beyond the scope of this article). As we can see, women themselves are quite adept at lying, so you shouldn’t ever feel bad about being dishonest with one. Just remember, women want you to lie. And if they ever discover the truth behind your lie, lie even more to cover it up. It’s what they want.
I’m sure now that women out there are loath to date me. And I’m even more sure that I won’t be finding a girl who’s into threesomes any time soon. But that’s ok. I was able to secure a brand new Nintendo Wii at launch just over a week ago. Let me tell you, it is awesome. I really don’t need a woman to take up my time and to pull me away from The Legend of Zelda, The Twilight Princess. In all honesty, video games are much more important than women. And that is the candid truth.
So why do I bring this up? Well, it’s due to the issues I’ve been having lately with women. Yes, it always comes back to women. Now, I’ve always been told that women want me to be honest with them. And this I believed to be true. But as it turns out, as with most of your preconceptions with women, this is completely false. Women prefer being lied to. It’s true, they don’t want honesty. Case in point:
The other day I was talking with some of the girls I know in my never ending quest to discover what actually takes place in the female mind. The talk turned towards relationships, and being that I’m a single guy, the girls thought there was something wrong with me that they needed to fix by finding me a girlfriend. Girls are just crazy like that. So they asked me what I was looking for in a woman. I though about it for a few moments and replied that it would be nice to have a girl that was into threesomes.
Now I didn’t know that there was a wrong answer to a question based solely on opinion, but apparently that was the wrong answer. Now I know what you’re thinking, you think I’m some sort of perverted pig. Well, I won’t argue with you there. But I do want to point out what should be relatively obvious: I’m single, I’m not looking for a serious relationship, and by saying I’m looking for a girl who’s into threesomes, I’m merely looking for a fairly laid back relationship that’s more about enjoying the here and now rather than planning for the future.
Even with those observably palpable facts, I still said the wrong thing. Even if it was the truth, it was wrong. The girls I was talking were clearly upset. After some time thinking it over, I really do believe that they wanted me to lie to them. They would have preferred an affable falsehood wrapped up in a bowtie of white lies. I should have said something along the lines of: I’m looking for a girl who is not only attractive, but intelligent and witty, and has a wonderful personality that really completes me.
Honestly, I have no idea what the hell that means, but it seems like the sort of thing girls go for. What does “she completes me” even mean? Well, if I had lots of money I’d feel pretty complete. Maybe that means I should date a rich woman. But I can’t say that, because it’s the truth. I would need a much more innocent sounding lie. So how about… I really don’t care how much money a girl has, it’s what’s inside that counts the most. (WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HAHAHAHAHA. Wow, I bet you actually believed that for a moment, didn’t you? Wow.)
Why is it that women prefer lies to the actual, factual truth? Looking back on things I realize that every time I have ever been up front and honest with a woman, I have pissed her off. But then when I lie to them and tell them what I think they want to hear, they end up feeling really good about themselves. Now if I were a simpler animal, one that only responds to the rewards and punishments given to him, I would lie my ass off every chance I got. Luckily, I’m a rational being capable of much more complex and philosophical thought. And all the writings of Sophocles and Plato and Voltaire lead me to one conclusion: Women are batty.
After long nights of introspection and deep cerebral thought, I think I may have solved the conundrum. Women don’t necessarily want to be lied to; they just want the physical reality to shift to a point where it lines up with their ideal world. This means that women want you to be thoughtful and dependable and caring (and let’s be honest, those aren’t exactly your strong suits). They want you to enjoy the chick flick they dragged you out to since it would indicate that you were in touch with your feelings. So next time you are forced to see one of those less-than-Schwarzenegger movies be prepared to tell her afterwards that you thought the movie was deep and that you felt a real emotional connection with the characters. That’s a good lie to use. Don’t tell her the truth; that the movie needed more explosions and lesbian scenes. That’s just asking for trouble.
I think it’s about time we started giving women what they want. The females in this country have had to endure a lot. They have to fight constant sexism at work to get paid 80% of what their male counterparts do, only to come home to a husband/boyfriend who doesn’t always appreciate them. So it is time we did something nice for our women. As I’ve so logically pointed out, women really and truly want to be lied to. So we all need to make a concerted effort to lie to the women in our lives. Tell as many fibs and untruths as you can. Your woman will thank you for it.
I’m sure all you women out there are reading this and are positively upset. You think you want the truth, but that is untrue. Just remember that your words are cheap. It doesn’t matter if you say you want honestly and forthrightness. Guys are more motivated more by your actions than by your words. When you punish a man for being honest and reward him for lying, you drive his behavior. And then you wonder why every guy you ever dated was a lying scum-bucket.
The way I see it, women can’t be upset when I lie to them. They lie to me everyday. They tell me they want guys to be honest, when in reality, they are much happier when they get dishonesty. Women tell me they want a nice guy, and then they always go out of their way to date a complete jerk (the reasons behind this are many and varied and are well beyond the scope of this article). As we can see, women themselves are quite adept at lying, so you shouldn’t ever feel bad about being dishonest with one. Just remember, women want you to lie. And if they ever discover the truth behind your lie, lie even more to cover it up. It’s what they want.
I’m sure now that women out there are loath to date me. And I’m even more sure that I won’t be finding a girl who’s into threesomes any time soon. But that’s ok. I was able to secure a brand new Nintendo Wii at launch just over a week ago. Let me tell you, it is awesome. I really don’t need a woman to take up my time and to pull me away from The Legend of Zelda, The Twilight Princess. In all honesty, video games are much more important than women. And that is the candid truth.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Jeff, the Legend
Over the past month or so I’ve reconnected with some of my old college mates. I would quickly like to point out, that I haven’t been out of college that long, a little over a year at this point. After talking with several guys I used to hang out with, and with some of the kids who are still in school, it has become apparent to me that I left something of a legacy behind. Apparently, word of my collegiate deeds has spread and I have become a legend. Here I will regale you with the various tales that have accrued to award me with this title.
How does one become a legend? Well first we have to look at what traits the college student admires. Surprisingly, grade point average and responsibility don’t rank very high on the list. Not so surprising is that I don’t exactly place legendary in either one of those categories. The thing I’m most capable at is drinking. And I think we all know how much those college kids love to drink. In fact, I’m so capable at drinking that I managed to get my name put on the wall of my favorite bar by drinking over 200 documented beers. You only need to drink 100 beers to get your name on the wall there, but I’m just so committed that I got it put up there twice.
The other major thing college kids admire in a role model is women. Or better put, they care about the quality and quantity of women a guy surrounds himself with. Well, I didn’t exactly get famous for being popular among the ladies. It’s actually quite the opposite. See, I have this problem where I say the exact opposite of what a girl would expect me to say. This usually ends up in the girl hating me for life. But on the plus side, guys find my actions absolutely hilarious. I just think it’s a good idea to let guys know that yes, every once in a while it’s ok to think entirely of yourself and ignore what the needs and wants of the female. Of course, acting like me is not recommended since you’ll probably be blacklisted by every woman you meet. But hey, it works out for me, mainly because I really just don’t care.
But then again, you could be nice to girls, take them out on dates, and get into that whole relationship thing. I mean, it works out for some people. Though I’m sorry to say, I generally don’t advise it. Case in point: my friend Michael dated a girl for almost a year. They broke up about halfway through our senior year in college. She wasn’t real fond of him after that, but unfortunately, the two of them ran in most of the same social circles. They had a bad habit of running into each other throughout the rest of college and even beyond. It could get pretty awkward, which incidentally is quite fun to watch. The latest of these occurrences happened this last weekend at the UNC vs. Georgia Tech football game.
Michael’s ex pretty much ignored him every time she could and gave him the evil eye. If you’ve ever had an ex-girlfriend then you know what I’m talking about. And this is even though they had been on pretty good terms lately and had spoken together quite a few times. Strangely enough, she had no problem talking to me and even seemed genuinely pleased to see me. Now this is the odd part. Michael dated her and for the most part was kind and generous, that’s just the kind of guy he is. On the other hand, late one night just as we were about the leave a bar (this was after they had broken up), I got into a slapping fight with her and two of her friends. I have to say in my defense, the girls started it. Well, no, maybe they didn’t. To be honest the whole event is kind of fuzzy… alcohol will do that to you. But I do know that it was three against one and those are totally not fair odds no matter how you stack it up.
So what’s the moral of this story? If you date a girl and be nice to her, then she won’t talk to you after the break up. But if you slap her around… well no, I’d better not finish that sentence. The thing is I don’t agree with physically harming girls in any way, shape, or form. Even though I’m an outspoken critic of the female species (and yes, I truly believe they are a different species), even they don’t deserve that kind of treatment. And in all honestly, I am very surprised that Michael’s ex and her friends never got upset at that incident. It could possibly be that they were even more inebriated than I was. Really, it was just one of those nights.
To be a legend is no easy task. There is no cookie-cutter solution to making a man legendary. Drinking copious amounts of beer, getting your name put on the wall of a bar, and getting into a slapping contest with three sorority girls may not make you a living marvel to all of your admiring friends. It just so happened that it worked out for me that way. The most important thing you can do is to just be comfortable with yourself. As it turns out, I happen to hate women. And I’m very comfortable with that. Some guys wouldn’t be, and that’s why they aren’t awesome. And yes, I am awesome; I have proof to back up this statement.
This past Saturday evening (the same night I alluded to earlier), I managed to convince a girl I met in a bar that I was awesome. To be honest, it’s really not my fault. All I did was tell her the truth. Apparently chicks dig honesty. Who knew? The truth, as I told it, was that I came from a very long line of awesome. My brother, my dad, and heck, even my grandpa is awesome. I was raised in sheer awesomeness. So the girl decided to call me by the name “Awesome” for the rest of the evening. I didn’t mind because I really couldn’t find any fault with her nomenclature. Apparently remembering my real name was far too difficult. But you know what I’ve always said when it comes to girls and names: totally not important.
Even if you weren’t created by the fusing of two sets of genetic codes into a zygote of pure awesomeness, you can still become a legend. It just won’t be easy on you. You can get a good start by trying to change your name. If you can come up with a really kickin’ stage name and convince your friends to call you by that name, then you’re well on your way. Eddie Vedder was originally named Edward Louis Severson by his parents. And there’s no way you’re going to be a rock star with the name Edward Louis, even in Seattle. (You did know that Eddie Vedder is the lead singer for Pearl Jam, right? Right? Jeeze, next you’re going to tell me that STP stands for “Standard Temperature and Pressure.” Please don’t be that big of a loser.)
Grunge rock music references aside, there is one important thing I think you should take away from this. Above all else, you just have to be true to yourself and be happy with who you are. I am perfectly content saying things out loud that all the other guys are thinking but never have the courage to say in front of women. Guys tend to think I have balls made out of pure steel. I assure you, this is not the case. I really just don’t care what most women think of me. As far as I’m concerned, good looking girls are a dime a dozen. If you want to be admired as a great person, you only have to be passionate about what you do no matter what it is.
Just be sure that you’re not passionate about pissing off women. That’s my thing, and I’m not going to let you muscle in on my territory. Although, I have to admit, it is a lot of fun and very liberating. Besides, you know what they say: “Nice guys finish last.” Hence, I am very seldom a “nice guy.” And this is why I’m known as a legend.
How does one become a legend? Well first we have to look at what traits the college student admires. Surprisingly, grade point average and responsibility don’t rank very high on the list. Not so surprising is that I don’t exactly place legendary in either one of those categories. The thing I’m most capable at is drinking. And I think we all know how much those college kids love to drink. In fact, I’m so capable at drinking that I managed to get my name put on the wall of my favorite bar by drinking over 200 documented beers. You only need to drink 100 beers to get your name on the wall there, but I’m just so committed that I got it put up there twice.
The other major thing college kids admire in a role model is women. Or better put, they care about the quality and quantity of women a guy surrounds himself with. Well, I didn’t exactly get famous for being popular among the ladies. It’s actually quite the opposite. See, I have this problem where I say the exact opposite of what a girl would expect me to say. This usually ends up in the girl hating me for life. But on the plus side, guys find my actions absolutely hilarious. I just think it’s a good idea to let guys know that yes, every once in a while it’s ok to think entirely of yourself and ignore what the needs and wants of the female. Of course, acting like me is not recommended since you’ll probably be blacklisted by every woman you meet. But hey, it works out for me, mainly because I really just don’t care.
But then again, you could be nice to girls, take them out on dates, and get into that whole relationship thing. I mean, it works out for some people. Though I’m sorry to say, I generally don’t advise it. Case in point: my friend Michael dated a girl for almost a year. They broke up about halfway through our senior year in college. She wasn’t real fond of him after that, but unfortunately, the two of them ran in most of the same social circles. They had a bad habit of running into each other throughout the rest of college and even beyond. It could get pretty awkward, which incidentally is quite fun to watch. The latest of these occurrences happened this last weekend at the UNC vs. Georgia Tech football game.
Michael’s ex pretty much ignored him every time she could and gave him the evil eye. If you’ve ever had an ex-girlfriend then you know what I’m talking about. And this is even though they had been on pretty good terms lately and had spoken together quite a few times. Strangely enough, she had no problem talking to me and even seemed genuinely pleased to see me. Now this is the odd part. Michael dated her and for the most part was kind and generous, that’s just the kind of guy he is. On the other hand, late one night just as we were about the leave a bar (this was after they had broken up), I got into a slapping fight with her and two of her friends. I have to say in my defense, the girls started it. Well, no, maybe they didn’t. To be honest the whole event is kind of fuzzy… alcohol will do that to you. But I do know that it was three against one and those are totally not fair odds no matter how you stack it up.
So what’s the moral of this story? If you date a girl and be nice to her, then she won’t talk to you after the break up. But if you slap her around… well no, I’d better not finish that sentence. The thing is I don’t agree with physically harming girls in any way, shape, or form. Even though I’m an outspoken critic of the female species (and yes, I truly believe they are a different species), even they don’t deserve that kind of treatment. And in all honestly, I am very surprised that Michael’s ex and her friends never got upset at that incident. It could possibly be that they were even more inebriated than I was. Really, it was just one of those nights.
To be a legend is no easy task. There is no cookie-cutter solution to making a man legendary. Drinking copious amounts of beer, getting your name put on the wall of a bar, and getting into a slapping contest with three sorority girls may not make you a living marvel to all of your admiring friends. It just so happened that it worked out for me that way. The most important thing you can do is to just be comfortable with yourself. As it turns out, I happen to hate women. And I’m very comfortable with that. Some guys wouldn’t be, and that’s why they aren’t awesome. And yes, I am awesome; I have proof to back up this statement.
This past Saturday evening (the same night I alluded to earlier), I managed to convince a girl I met in a bar that I was awesome. To be honest, it’s really not my fault. All I did was tell her the truth. Apparently chicks dig honesty. Who knew? The truth, as I told it, was that I came from a very long line of awesome. My brother, my dad, and heck, even my grandpa is awesome. I was raised in sheer awesomeness. So the girl decided to call me by the name “Awesome” for the rest of the evening. I didn’t mind because I really couldn’t find any fault with her nomenclature. Apparently remembering my real name was far too difficult. But you know what I’ve always said when it comes to girls and names: totally not important.
Even if you weren’t created by the fusing of two sets of genetic codes into a zygote of pure awesomeness, you can still become a legend. It just won’t be easy on you. You can get a good start by trying to change your name. If you can come up with a really kickin’ stage name and convince your friends to call you by that name, then you’re well on your way. Eddie Vedder was originally named Edward Louis Severson by his parents. And there’s no way you’re going to be a rock star with the name Edward Louis, even in Seattle. (You did know that Eddie Vedder is the lead singer for Pearl Jam, right? Right? Jeeze, next you’re going to tell me that STP stands for “Standard Temperature and Pressure.” Please don’t be that big of a loser.)
Grunge rock music references aside, there is one important thing I think you should take away from this. Above all else, you just have to be true to yourself and be happy with who you are. I am perfectly content saying things out loud that all the other guys are thinking but never have the courage to say in front of women. Guys tend to think I have balls made out of pure steel. I assure you, this is not the case. I really just don’t care what most women think of me. As far as I’m concerned, good looking girls are a dime a dozen. If you want to be admired as a great person, you only have to be passionate about what you do no matter what it is.
Just be sure that you’re not passionate about pissing off women. That’s my thing, and I’m not going to let you muscle in on my territory. Although, I have to admit, it is a lot of fun and very liberating. Besides, you know what they say: “Nice guys finish last.” Hence, I am very seldom a “nice guy.” And this is why I’m known as a legend.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
What’s Love Got to Do with It
Ambition is a wonderful thing to have in life. Most people want to get a good job, work hard, get married, and raise a family. This is certainly a noble goal. It’s not exactly my goal, but then again, I’ve never been known to be noble. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have ambition. As a matter of fact, I’ve been rather ambitious for most of my adult life. Whether or not my behavior classifies me as an adult is another thing entirely. The law says I’m an adult, and the law is just smart like that.
So, what is the great and wondrous goal that I have been chasing for so many years? No, it has nothing to do with hard work, self-reliance, or even winning the lottery. My lifelong goal is to marry a rich chick. I don’t want to have to work for my money, I want my incredibly attractive and very intelligent wife to work for my money. Meanwhile, I’ll stay at home and play Halo on Xbox Live. This is my dream, and one day, with a lot of hard work and perseverance, it might just come true.
Now I know a lot of you women out there would be outraged with a life plan who’s only two steps involve: marry a rich chick and play video games. But you really have to look past the shallow nature and selfishness of my goal. If you’re paying attention, and I’m sure you are, you’ll notice that I am, in fact, a pioneer in feminism. You should be proud of me, feminists aren’t people I usually associate myself with. But in this case, I really am in league with them. I don’t mind a wife who’s the bread winner and I’d be perfectly happy being a stay at home dad. This is a clear breach in traditional manly values.
Isn’t that what women want: a guy who is comfortable being in the background while the wife is obsessed with work and promotions? If this is what you want, then I’m the guy for you. I’m totally cool with the woman making all the money. And as an added bonus, I can do minor electrical and plumbing work and I can make cookies. How many stay at home dads can say that? If that doesn’t get the ladies’ juices flowing, I don’t know what will.
All joking aside, this is my dream in life. I want to marry an attractive girl who has a good job, and even better prospects for future earnings. In fact, I’m willing to be more lenient on the how attractive my prospective mate is when her projected future earnings are higher. I can do this on a very simple and very unbiased method. Simply discount the projected future earnings of the woman over the next ten years to the present value. Here’s the formula we’ll be using:
AI = AS [( 1 / (1 + .03)^10 )/(.03)]
AI = Attractiveness Index
AS = Average Yearly Salary
In this formula, the 10 represents the number of years my prospective wife will be making her average salary. Each .03 represents an estimated 3% increase in the cost of living year over year. All I have to do is input the estimated average yearly salary for the woman in the “AS” spot and I can come up with a usable number. For every increase of 800,000 in the Attractiveness Index, I’ll be willing to lower my future spouse’s beauty by one point on the classic ten point model (to be furthermore referred to as the Classic Index, or CI). I think we’re all accustomed to the Classic Index with a perfect ten being the hottest girl you’ve ever seen and a lowly one being a woman who looks like the unholy offspring of Jabba the Hut and an abominable snowman.
Now we all know that money isn’t everything. Looks are important too. But we’ve already addressed both of those. Some of you may be wondering how the woman’s personality fits into all of this. Well, let me just assuage your fears: it doesn’t. Let’s be honest with ourselves here, personality is not important. Heck, it’s never been important. When you hear someone say “That girl has a great personality,” what does that mean to you? It means she is neither rich nor physically attractive.
What would you rather have: a spouse who has a wonderful personality, or one that is rich or incredibly gorgeous? May I remind you for just one second that supermodels are both rich and insanely hot? So which is it? The supermodels in bikinis or the girls who can make you smile and laugh? Personally, I think laughing is overrated. Laughs come and go but money, spendola (as it is called in certain European circles) lasts forever.
You don’t believe me about money lasting forever? Just ask your local jeweler. When you go into the store to buy an engagement ring for you fiancé with the superb personality, he’ll tell you that you can make three months salary last forever by buying her a rather small, shiny rock. Oh sure, that shiny rock will be surrounded by gold, which has existential value, but most of your hard-earned cash will be going towards that shiny pebble. I know this is true because a commercial on TV said so, and commercials don’t lie, it’s against the law.
Like I said, marrying for love or trust or even mutual respect is totally overrated. Let’s look at the figures, approximately 40% or more of married American couples will get divorced. And after your inevitable divorce (hey you can’t argue with statistics), what are you left with? The laughs, the trust, the respect, it’s all gone. This is why I am using the relatively short span of ten years for my marriage when discounting a perspective wife’s future earnings. I honestly don’t think that my money making scheme would ever end in divorce, but I’m just going to play it safe anyway. Did I say money making scheme? I meant marriage, my wonderfully happy and splendidly fruitful marriage.
I would like to point out that the formula that I gave you earlier can also be used when evaluating potential investments. The reason I’m using it as a scale for finding a suitable wife is merely coincidental. But hey, who would have thought that I’d actually give you something scholarly in my writing? I’m not only entertaining and informative, but also educational too.
I should be rewarded for providing you with such unparallel educational content. Specifically, I should be rewarded with money. Thank you notes are nice and all, but they waste the life of a tree and add to our already overburdened waste disposal systems. Money, on the other hand, is forever. So prevent over logging and send me some cold hard cash (and no, money is not made of paper; it is created from a unique blend of cloth and fabrics, so you won’t be hurting the forests by sending me money, thank you).
So, what is the great and wondrous goal that I have been chasing for so many years? No, it has nothing to do with hard work, self-reliance, or even winning the lottery. My lifelong goal is to marry a rich chick. I don’t want to have to work for my money, I want my incredibly attractive and very intelligent wife to work for my money. Meanwhile, I’ll stay at home and play Halo on Xbox Live. This is my dream, and one day, with a lot of hard work and perseverance, it might just come true.
Now I know a lot of you women out there would be outraged with a life plan who’s only two steps involve: marry a rich chick and play video games. But you really have to look past the shallow nature and selfishness of my goal. If you’re paying attention, and I’m sure you are, you’ll notice that I am, in fact, a pioneer in feminism. You should be proud of me, feminists aren’t people I usually associate myself with. But in this case, I really am in league with them. I don’t mind a wife who’s the bread winner and I’d be perfectly happy being a stay at home dad. This is a clear breach in traditional manly values.
Isn’t that what women want: a guy who is comfortable being in the background while the wife is obsessed with work and promotions? If this is what you want, then I’m the guy for you. I’m totally cool with the woman making all the money. And as an added bonus, I can do minor electrical and plumbing work and I can make cookies. How many stay at home dads can say that? If that doesn’t get the ladies’ juices flowing, I don’t know what will.
All joking aside, this is my dream in life. I want to marry an attractive girl who has a good job, and even better prospects for future earnings. In fact, I’m willing to be more lenient on the how attractive my prospective mate is when her projected future earnings are higher. I can do this on a very simple and very unbiased method. Simply discount the projected future earnings of the woman over the next ten years to the present value. Here’s the formula we’ll be using:
AI = AS [( 1 / (1 + .03)^10 )/(.03)]
AI = Attractiveness Index
AS = Average Yearly Salary
In this formula, the 10 represents the number of years my prospective wife will be making her average salary. Each .03 represents an estimated 3% increase in the cost of living year over year. All I have to do is input the estimated average yearly salary for the woman in the “AS” spot and I can come up with a usable number. For every increase of 800,000 in the Attractiveness Index, I’ll be willing to lower my future spouse’s beauty by one point on the classic ten point model (to be furthermore referred to as the Classic Index, or CI). I think we’re all accustomed to the Classic Index with a perfect ten being the hottest girl you’ve ever seen and a lowly one being a woman who looks like the unholy offspring of Jabba the Hut and an abominable snowman.
Now we all know that money isn’t everything. Looks are important too. But we’ve already addressed both of those. Some of you may be wondering how the woman’s personality fits into all of this. Well, let me just assuage your fears: it doesn’t. Let’s be honest with ourselves here, personality is not important. Heck, it’s never been important. When you hear someone say “That girl has a great personality,” what does that mean to you? It means she is neither rich nor physically attractive.
What would you rather have: a spouse who has a wonderful personality, or one that is rich or incredibly gorgeous? May I remind you for just one second that supermodels are both rich and insanely hot? So which is it? The supermodels in bikinis or the girls who can make you smile and laugh? Personally, I think laughing is overrated. Laughs come and go but money, spendola (as it is called in certain European circles) lasts forever.
You don’t believe me about money lasting forever? Just ask your local jeweler. When you go into the store to buy an engagement ring for you fiancé with the superb personality, he’ll tell you that you can make three months salary last forever by buying her a rather small, shiny rock. Oh sure, that shiny rock will be surrounded by gold, which has existential value, but most of your hard-earned cash will be going towards that shiny pebble. I know this is true because a commercial on TV said so, and commercials don’t lie, it’s against the law.
Like I said, marrying for love or trust or even mutual respect is totally overrated. Let’s look at the figures, approximately 40% or more of married American couples will get divorced. And after your inevitable divorce (hey you can’t argue with statistics), what are you left with? The laughs, the trust, the respect, it’s all gone. This is why I am using the relatively short span of ten years for my marriage when discounting a perspective wife’s future earnings. I honestly don’t think that my money making scheme would ever end in divorce, but I’m just going to play it safe anyway. Did I say money making scheme? I meant marriage, my wonderfully happy and splendidly fruitful marriage.
I would like to point out that the formula that I gave you earlier can also be used when evaluating potential investments. The reason I’m using it as a scale for finding a suitable wife is merely coincidental. But hey, who would have thought that I’d actually give you something scholarly in my writing? I’m not only entertaining and informative, but also educational too.
I should be rewarded for providing you with such unparallel educational content. Specifically, I should be rewarded with money. Thank you notes are nice and all, but they waste the life of a tree and add to our already overburdened waste disposal systems. Money, on the other hand, is forever. So prevent over logging and send me some cold hard cash (and no, money is not made of paper; it is created from a unique blend of cloth and fabrics, so you won’t be hurting the forests by sending me money, thank you).
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
An Age Old Battle
Lately a lot of my friends have been asking me why I don’t have a girlfriend. Well, it’s pretty simple. I think I have some issues. See, the last date I was on the girl mentioned an event that was coming up in two months that she though “we” should go to. About two seconds after she finished that sentence my windpipe closed itself off causing me to choke. It felt like Lord Vader was standing behind me utilizing the force choke hold and strangling me with his thoughts. I may have just given commitment an evil personification. That’s just me.
I’ve been told I’m afraid of commitment. I’m not so sure I agree. Honestly, it’s just that I don’t like to have obligations to people or to be emotionally driven by any strong moral pressures. That has nothing to do with commitment. See, Webster’s defines commitment as: the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled (and impelled only means: to drive forward as if by the exertion of strong moral pressure). They’re completely different things.
Still, I apparently need a girlfriend. I did not know this until my friends told me, repeatedly. They tell me I need someone who will comfort me, be there for me, care about me, and generally bring happiness to my life. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what they said, and as it turns out my Nintendo DS (Duel Screen) already covers all those bases. So why do I need a girlfriend?
No seriously, I want you to think about it for a minute. I have done a lot of thinking about it myself, and for me that much thought is a rare occurrence. So I have come up with a lengthy list of why my Nintendo DS is better than a girlfriend. You can make all the wisecracks you want, but I’m sure after reading this, you just might agree with me.
To buy a new game for the Nintendo DS, you simple go into a game store, pick out what you want, and pay for it: typically $35. To take a girl you just met out on a date, the typical dinner and a movie will cost you $45-$75 depending on the restaurant and whether you spring for the large tub of popcorn and drinks at the theater. Oh, and I’m pretty sure the video game will last a lot longer too.
The Nintendo DS has a built in microphone that is used in some of the games. So I know for a fact that it can hear me. With women, sometimes I wonder if they have the ability to hear at all. It’s like they never pay attention when I try to say something. Of course, I never have anything important to say, but that’s beside the point.
If you’re in the mood for a shooter, you throw Metroid Prime: Hunters into your DS. If later you change your mind and get in the mood for a puzzle game, you throw in Meteos or Brain Age. Now, if you’re dating a blonde girl and suddenly you’re in the mood for a redhead, well, try mentioning that to your girlfriend and see what happens.
Nintendo recently released the DS Lite. This Lite version is much more attractive and is easier to carry around than the original DS. Hmm… now if only I could find a girl who is more attractive and has less baggage.
The DS has a volume control on it. Yet, despite modern breakthroughs in medicine, technology, and psychiatry, mankind has yet to invent a volume control for women. In this respect, we’re no better off than the caveman was.
My DS has never asked me to change the channel so it can watch Oprah. Enough said.
If I’m in the mood for role-playing I can just snap a cartridge in to the DS and get started. The game system doesn’t judge me. Most women seem to get disgusted when I bring up the idea of role-playing. I mean, what’s so wrong about the Princess Leia slave girl outfit?
My DS is portable and can be carried around to hockey games, monster truck rallies, and seedy dive bars. Find me a girl who is willing to accompany me to all of those places, and I just might have a reason to put the video games down.
The DS is WiFi ready right out of the box. You can connect at any WiFi hotspot and challenge anyone around the globe with up to 16 players competing. It’s a great multiplayer system. When was the last time your girlfriend allowed you to play around with someone else?
When your DS has problems (like if you drop it down seven flights of stairs then keep it submerged in Kool-aid for over ten minutes) then you can always go out and purchase a new one for only $130. If your girlfriend has problems, then suddenly you have problems. You have to listen and be a part of every little insignificant bit of it. And no amount of money or therapy will make it go away.
Nintendo’s official DS slogan is “Touching is Good.” When was the last time a girl said that to you?
So I think you can see that I’m perfectly happy with my DS. It has brought so much joy in my life that I could not imagine a world without it. I think you can also see why I don’t have a girlfriend. After reading the above, who would want to go out with me? If you know of any girls that would, please send them my way.
Oh, and do yourself a favor, the next time your girlfriend hits “that time of the month,” lock yourself in a closet, down in the basement, in your neighbors house with a Nintendo DS. Trust me the DS will never have wild and crazy mood swings no matter what the lunar cycle is. Life with a DS is so much less complicated.
I’ve been told I’m afraid of commitment. I’m not so sure I agree. Honestly, it’s just that I don’t like to have obligations to people or to be emotionally driven by any strong moral pressures. That has nothing to do with commitment. See, Webster’s defines commitment as: the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled (and impelled only means: to drive forward as if by the exertion of strong moral pressure). They’re completely different things.
Still, I apparently need a girlfriend. I did not know this until my friends told me, repeatedly. They tell me I need someone who will comfort me, be there for me, care about me, and generally bring happiness to my life. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what they said, and as it turns out my Nintendo DS (Duel Screen) already covers all those bases. So why do I need a girlfriend?
No seriously, I want you to think about it for a minute. I have done a lot of thinking about it myself, and for me that much thought is a rare occurrence. So I have come up with a lengthy list of why my Nintendo DS is better than a girlfriend. You can make all the wisecracks you want, but I’m sure after reading this, you just might agree with me.
To buy a new game for the Nintendo DS, you simple go into a game store, pick out what you want, and pay for it: typically $35. To take a girl you just met out on a date, the typical dinner and a movie will cost you $45-$75 depending on the restaurant and whether you spring for the large tub of popcorn and drinks at the theater. Oh, and I’m pretty sure the video game will last a lot longer too.
The Nintendo DS has a built in microphone that is used in some of the games. So I know for a fact that it can hear me. With women, sometimes I wonder if they have the ability to hear at all. It’s like they never pay attention when I try to say something. Of course, I never have anything important to say, but that’s beside the point.
If you’re in the mood for a shooter, you throw Metroid Prime: Hunters into your DS. If later you change your mind and get in the mood for a puzzle game, you throw in Meteos or Brain Age. Now, if you’re dating a blonde girl and suddenly you’re in the mood for a redhead, well, try mentioning that to your girlfriend and see what happens.
Nintendo recently released the DS Lite. This Lite version is much more attractive and is easier to carry around than the original DS. Hmm… now if only I could find a girl who is more attractive and has less baggage.
The DS has a volume control on it. Yet, despite modern breakthroughs in medicine, technology, and psychiatry, mankind has yet to invent a volume control for women. In this respect, we’re no better off than the caveman was.
My DS has never asked me to change the channel so it can watch Oprah. Enough said.
If I’m in the mood for role-playing I can just snap a cartridge in to the DS and get started. The game system doesn’t judge me. Most women seem to get disgusted when I bring up the idea of role-playing. I mean, what’s so wrong about the Princess Leia slave girl outfit?
My DS is portable and can be carried around to hockey games, monster truck rallies, and seedy dive bars. Find me a girl who is willing to accompany me to all of those places, and I just might have a reason to put the video games down.
The DS is WiFi ready right out of the box. You can connect at any WiFi hotspot and challenge anyone around the globe with up to 16 players competing. It’s a great multiplayer system. When was the last time your girlfriend allowed you to play around with someone else?
When your DS has problems (like if you drop it down seven flights of stairs then keep it submerged in Kool-aid for over ten minutes) then you can always go out and purchase a new one for only $130. If your girlfriend has problems, then suddenly you have problems. You have to listen and be a part of every little insignificant bit of it. And no amount of money or therapy will make it go away.
Nintendo’s official DS slogan is “Touching is Good.” When was the last time a girl said that to you?
So I think you can see that I’m perfectly happy with my DS. It has brought so much joy in my life that I could not imagine a world without it. I think you can also see why I don’t have a girlfriend. After reading the above, who would want to go out with me? If you know of any girls that would, please send them my way.
Oh, and do yourself a favor, the next time your girlfriend hits “that time of the month,” lock yourself in a closet, down in the basement, in your neighbors house with a Nintendo DS. Trust me the DS will never have wild and crazy mood swings no matter what the lunar cycle is. Life with a DS is so much less complicated.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Good Clean Fun in the Spring Sun
Springtime is finally here! The flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping, and the weather is finally getting warmer. After the horrible months of winter, we finally have something to be happy about. According to the weather channel, its supposed to remain in the mid 70’s and even get into the low 80’s. And that is really great news.
I’m not really a fan of hot and humid weather by any means, but there is one thing about warm weather that always brightens my day. And that is skimpy outfits that girls start wearing in the summer. Sometimes I forget how beautiful women are. I mean, all winter long, the girls keep their goods bundled up under layers of sweaters and loose pants. Where’s the fun in that? I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to be cold in the winter, but I’m also being denied the obvious physical beauty of the female species. Ladies, this is clearly unacceptable.
But, it’s spring! And you can clearly notice it. Just walk through any mall. Seriously, go to the mall and walk around. You’ll see far more cleavage and short skirts than you have laid eyes on in the last four months. And just think, in a few more weeks, the pools will open up and we’ll get to see all the lovely bikinis that have been stuffed in the back dresser drawers for far too long. And for the record, a two piece swimsuit is superior to a one piece.
Now, I’m not advocating that all women should run around in skimpy outfits all the time. I am saying that all good looking women should run around in skimpy outfits all the time. Let’s be honest with ourselves, God did not give the gift of gorgeous looks to every woman out there. Just like God obviously didn’t give me the gift of realizing I am about to say something stupid and I just need to shut the hell up. I consider myself challenged.
So, I need to take the time here to go ahead and apologize to the women of the world in advance. I know in the future I will be staring at you when you’re wearing very little clothing, and I know that’s bad. Unfortunately, my eyes don’t listen to my brain. They go where they think is the most exciting. And most of the time, I have no control over that whatsoever. I assume it’s the same with all guys. So on behalf of all guys who have been looking at you while you were wearing a bathing suit, or low cut shirt, or tight pants, or whatever… I’m sorry.
Now is the time for a quick public service announcement: Girls, please wait until you’re 18 years old to wear anything too risqué. It’s ok for high-schoolers to wear something a little flashy. I know how high school life is. But please, for the sake of decency, don’t go wearing something that leaves little to the imagination. I say this mainly because I really don’t want to go to jail. Every time I see a 16 year old girl dressed up like Paris Hilton I just want to deport her to an uptight boarding school where they still wear ultra long skirts from the 1950’s. Of course, the girl will always be welcome back from boarding school on her 18th birthday.
There is something else that’s very important that I have to speak to women about. With the coming of spring, many more ladies will be flocking to tanning beds to work up their tans. Apparently women aren’t beautiful unless they’re cooked like a well done rib eye. And no, before you get too offended, I don’t think of women as pieces of meat. Girls are made up of sugar and spice and everything nice… so I think they’re more like a dessert. But seriously, what’s with all the tanning bed frenzy? I mean, you pay people to burn your skin. Good job, that’s money very well spent. I’m sure putting that money into an IRA account for retirement isn’t nearly as important.
Ladies, if you really want to get a tan, why don’t you lay out by the pool or in your front yard where everyone can see you? I mean, no one can see you while you’re lying in some coffin shaped tanning “bed.” And don’t give me that crap about the sun giving you skin cancer. It’s true, the UV rays of the sun can cause skin cancer. But did you know that in 2001, 9,600 people (both men and women) died of skin cancer. In the same year, 68,000 women died of lung cancer. And how many of you women smoke? My point is that skin cancer, although problematic, shouldn’t be your main worry.
I know, I know, cancer isn’t funny. If you want to help make a difference, then go check out the American Cancer Society’s homepage. I’ve leant a helping hand myself in the past. I was a Relay for Life team captain a year or two back. I realize that this may be pretty surprising to you; me actually doing something worthwhile for the community. What can I say? The girl who talked me into it was wearing some really tight pants. And you also be surprised to find out that I’m a sucker for a girl in skin tight pants.
• http://www.cancer.org (American Cancer Society)
• http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PAR/Content/PAR_1_Relay_For_Life.asp (Relay for Life)
I’m not really a fan of hot and humid weather by any means, but there is one thing about warm weather that always brightens my day. And that is skimpy outfits that girls start wearing in the summer. Sometimes I forget how beautiful women are. I mean, all winter long, the girls keep their goods bundled up under layers of sweaters and loose pants. Where’s the fun in that? I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to be cold in the winter, but I’m also being denied the obvious physical beauty of the female species. Ladies, this is clearly unacceptable.
But, it’s spring! And you can clearly notice it. Just walk through any mall. Seriously, go to the mall and walk around. You’ll see far more cleavage and short skirts than you have laid eyes on in the last four months. And just think, in a few more weeks, the pools will open up and we’ll get to see all the lovely bikinis that have been stuffed in the back dresser drawers for far too long. And for the record, a two piece swimsuit is superior to a one piece.
Now, I’m not advocating that all women should run around in skimpy outfits all the time. I am saying that all good looking women should run around in skimpy outfits all the time. Let’s be honest with ourselves, God did not give the gift of gorgeous looks to every woman out there. Just like God obviously didn’t give me the gift of realizing I am about to say something stupid and I just need to shut the hell up. I consider myself challenged.
So, I need to take the time here to go ahead and apologize to the women of the world in advance. I know in the future I will be staring at you when you’re wearing very little clothing, and I know that’s bad. Unfortunately, my eyes don’t listen to my brain. They go where they think is the most exciting. And most of the time, I have no control over that whatsoever. I assume it’s the same with all guys. So on behalf of all guys who have been looking at you while you were wearing a bathing suit, or low cut shirt, or tight pants, or whatever… I’m sorry.
Now is the time for a quick public service announcement: Girls, please wait until you’re 18 years old to wear anything too risqué. It’s ok for high-schoolers to wear something a little flashy. I know how high school life is. But please, for the sake of decency, don’t go wearing something that leaves little to the imagination. I say this mainly because I really don’t want to go to jail. Every time I see a 16 year old girl dressed up like Paris Hilton I just want to deport her to an uptight boarding school where they still wear ultra long skirts from the 1950’s. Of course, the girl will always be welcome back from boarding school on her 18th birthday.
There is something else that’s very important that I have to speak to women about. With the coming of spring, many more ladies will be flocking to tanning beds to work up their tans. Apparently women aren’t beautiful unless they’re cooked like a well done rib eye. And no, before you get too offended, I don’t think of women as pieces of meat. Girls are made up of sugar and spice and everything nice… so I think they’re more like a dessert. But seriously, what’s with all the tanning bed frenzy? I mean, you pay people to burn your skin. Good job, that’s money very well spent. I’m sure putting that money into an IRA account for retirement isn’t nearly as important.
Ladies, if you really want to get a tan, why don’t you lay out by the pool or in your front yard where everyone can see you? I mean, no one can see you while you’re lying in some coffin shaped tanning “bed.” And don’t give me that crap about the sun giving you skin cancer. It’s true, the UV rays of the sun can cause skin cancer. But did you know that in 2001, 9,600 people (both men and women) died of skin cancer. In the same year, 68,000 women died of lung cancer. And how many of you women smoke? My point is that skin cancer, although problematic, shouldn’t be your main worry.
I know, I know, cancer isn’t funny. If you want to help make a difference, then go check out the American Cancer Society’s homepage. I’ve leant a helping hand myself in the past. I was a Relay for Life team captain a year or two back. I realize that this may be pretty surprising to you; me actually doing something worthwhile for the community. What can I say? The girl who talked me into it was wearing some really tight pants. And you also be surprised to find out that I’m a sucker for a girl in skin tight pants.
• http://www.cancer.org (American Cancer Society)
• http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PAR/Content/PAR_1_Relay_For_Life.asp (Relay for Life)
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