I’ve never really thought that I have an addictive personality. I don’t need alcohol to survive, I just need it to function in society. But after this past week, I’ve been beginning to wonder if maybe I have an addiction. I’ve been completely obsessed with one thing and only one thing for the past eight days. It has even begun to permeate to the rest of my life as well.
What am I talking about? Well, it’s Guitar Hero. For those of you who don’t know, Guitar Hero is a video game exclusively for the Playstation 2. Instead of using a controller, you plug in a guitar. Well, it’s not a real guitar, but it’s a simplified replica that is designed to be used with the video game. There are five buttons corresponding to the frets and a switch (that can be pushed down or up) where you would strum the strings of the guitar. The game has you “strumming” your Gibson SG replica to the tune of over 30 rockin’ songs as you try to reach the status of a Guitar Hero.
Simply put, the game is amazing. You get to play songs like I Love Rock and Roll, Ironman, Smoke on the Water, Stellar, and so many more classics. There are four different levels of difficulty so you can take your time and work your way up towards playing like a professional. There’s just something about feeling like I’m actually playing the song that makes me feel all warm inside. There’s nothing like the feeling of being up onstage, rocking out to Eric Clapton, and feeling like everyone is cheering you on. It gets the blood pumping, that’s for sure.
Not only do I get to be a guitar god by playing that game, but I also get to listen to some insanely awesome music. Some times I’ll miss a note or two because I’m paying more attention to the music than I am to the notes on the TV screen that I’m supposed to be playing. Unfortunately, when I miss a note, the guitar track won’t play until I start hitting the notes again. And that just makes me sad. I mean, missing out on a killer song brings tears to my eyes and shame to my soul. Luckily once I get back on track and get the song playing again my mood picks back up and my soul beings to soar.
All of this Guitar Heroing has begun to affect many of my other habits. Now whenever I hear an awesome rock song playing, I immediately attempt to perform it on my air guitar version of my Gibson SG video game replica. There’s something about doing an air guitar imitation of a video game replica that just screams wannabe. Imagine if you will, me walking into a very upscale restaurant, escorted by a lovely looking female, both of us dressed up very nicely, when suddenly I hear Z. Z. Top’s Sharp Dressed Man playing in the bar and without delay I quickly break out my illusionary six-string and begin to play along with all the enthusiasm of a rock star. It is not a pretty picture, I assure you.
Maybe this means that I shouldn’t be allowed to play video games. They obviously have a negative effect on me. Well I agree that I tend to play a lot of mindless video games, but I don’t think that it means that I shouldn’t play them any more. When it comes right down to it, I probably shouldn’t be allowed to participate in society any longer. Let’s be perfectly honest with ourselves, rock stars aren’t exactly the epitome of societal standards. But they can get away with it because they’re friggin rock stars. I, however, am not a rock star. I may be a Guitar Hero late at night while rocking out on my Playstation, but that in no way gives me rock star status in society. So I should just be shunned by all of society at large. I really do think it’s for the best.
So, since I cannot be a rock star, I have decided to lend my considerable mental facilities to those of you who are, or are aspiring to be, rock stars. I’ve taken some time out of my busy video game playing schedule (yes, I do have a schedule that shows what video game I am playing at what time) and have crafted this handy list of dos and don’ts for rock stars. Enjoy.
Do be loud, drunk, and obnoxious while you are playing. If you’re not, then you are not, by definition, a rock star
Don’t get beaten up by Ralph Lauren. I mean, what kind of rock star gets his butt kicked by a fashion mogul? (Hint: the answer is Axel Rose)
Do play an extreme guitar solo. Guitar solo’s rock. Just don’t let your drummer have a solo.
Don’t wear your hair like they did in the 80’s. For the love of God, just don’t do it.
Do get a Myspace.com account. I may think that Myspace.com is a complete waste of time and a cesspool for annoying pre-teens, but as it turns out, those pre-teens spend a lot of money on music. And rock stars should get paid.
Don’t give in to the heckling and play Freebird. The moron in the audience yelling that out just doesn’t know the name of any good songs.
Do be sexually promiscuous. You need to pass on your rock star genes to the future rockers of America. Not all rock stars will live as long as Mick Jagger.
Don’t OD on drugs. We’ve already lost far too many rock stars that way.
Do practice at all hours of the day being as loud as possible so that your condo or homeowners association tries to get you kicked out. Hey, if it doesn’t piss anyone off, it’s not rock and roll.
Don’t smash your guitar into the stage at the end of a show. The guitar is an expensive piece of equipment and a valuable tool in producing art.
Do borrow someone else’s guitar so you can smash it into the stage at the end of the show. Then afterwards, blame the damage on the drummer.
Don’t play the song Fat Bottom Girls by Queen when your girlfriend is around. Trust me, she’ll think you’re trying to tell her she’s fat. Girls are crazy that way.
So that’s it, my list of what to do and what not to do for you emerging rock stars. I hope you’ve learned a thing or two today. I know I did: I should not be allowed to go to nice places with nice girls, I just end up embarrassing everyone. Well, I don’t embarrass myself, I quit being embarrassed by my brash stupidity a long time ago. So luckily everyone else just gets embarrassed. And that’s perfectly ok with me so long as I still get to go home, pull out my Playstation, and be a Guitar Hero.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
No More Pencils, No More Books
As you all are aware, my arch nemesis, Oprah Winfrey, has her own book club. And I’m sure some of you have even read a few books on her warranted book club list. I won’t fault you for that, what’s in the past is in the past. I’m sure you feel like a spineless sea urchin for succumbing to day time talk shows, so I won’t say anything to make you feel any worse. I don’t think you’re a loser at all, nope, not one bit.
You being a loser aside, I’ve decided to do something about this whole book club thing. I mean, really, what’s the whole point of Oprah having a book club? Personally, I think it’s to turn all of America’s women into Oprah zombies. But that’s just a theory. Apparently, the books that Oprah recommends on her show are supposed to enlighten her viewers and open up their eyes to new ideas. These books are supposed to be inspirational and should quite literally change your life. Of course, I don’t agree with that.
Honestly, how is reading a book entitled, Chicken Soup for the Soul, going to change you life? If I have a bowl of chicken soup, will that make my problems go away? I know from experience that a bottle of whiskey can make your problems go away, although that’s only temporary. Seriously though, will any book you’ve gotten from Oprah’s book club change your life the way you need it changed? Will they help you get rid of your credit card debt, buy that dream car you always wanted, or teach you how to pick up that hot blonde on the other side of the bar? The answer, most obviously, is no.
So as a service to you, I have decided to compile a list of books that can actually change your life. These books are serious scriptures that deal with the cold hard facts of what you deal with every day. There’s no dressing anything up, no chicken soup metaphors, no “7 Habits for Highly Effective Illiterates,” or anything like that. Here’s my list:
1. A Random Walk Down Wall Street, by Burton Malkiel
2. Real Money: Sane Investing in an Insane World, by James Cramer
3. The Warren Buffet Way, by Robert Hagstrom
4. The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht
5. The Kama Sutra, by Vatsyayana
You’re probably wondering why I have three books dealing with investing. I mean, Oprah talks about several books that are geared toward lowering your personal debt and increasing your financial success. Well, the reason why Oprah’s books suck and the above listed books rule is that the people who wrote these books (aside from the first one) have made a lot of money using the practices outlined in the books. And by a lot, I mean millions of dollars. I don’t think the authors of books like Girl, Make Your Money Grow! ran their own wildly successful hedge funds and retired early. Who would you rather take advice from: retired millionaires or “financial experts” who have to work for a living? I know that if I had the choice, I’d rather not work for a living.
A Random Walk Down Wall Street, is the classic investing work by Princeton economics professor Burton Malkiel where he examines mutual fund managers and other investment professionals’ ability to make a decent return in the stock market. The long term statistics support his theory purported in the book, and hey, there’s much less thinking and worrying involved. Now that’s my kind of investing! Remember, thinking is always the enemy.
Real Money, Sane Investing in an Insane World, is the book that launched Jim Cramer from radio talk show to primetime TV. In the book, Cramer outlines the strategies he took on his path to becoming a multi-millionaire. Well, he won’t be throwing chairs around and sawing the heads off stuffed bears like he does on CNBC every night, but the book is still a treasure trove of investment advice. Buy it, read it, watch the show and try not to get hit by a chair.
The Warren Buffet Way, Investment Strategies of the World’s Greatest Investor is, well let’s face it, pretty much all books on investing are boring. And even the man himself, Warren Buffet, is pretty boring. But you need to believe the title of that book, because Buffet is the world’s greatest investor, hands down. In the early 1960’s Buffet started with $100 of his own money and little over $100,000 of his investors’ money. And today he is worth over $8 billion. Let me say this again: $100 + 40 years = $8 billion. That’s not too shabby. Warren Buffet is continuously one of the world’s top ten richest people, and unlike Bill Gates, he didn’t have to screw over ever PC user in the world to get there.
The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook is a masterpiece of nonfiction. It is mainly a book meant to amuse and entertain its readers, even though it appears to be an instructional survival guide. I have to admit that yes, it is entertaining. But I would advise you learn your lessons from the book as well. I’m sure none of you ever expect to have an alligator clamp down on your arm, but if it did somehow happen, wouldn’t you like to know how to get it off? (Hint: flick it on the snout.) This book can help you get out of so many hard to survive places that you should never leave your house without it. The authors consulted several experts in their fields to bring you the best survival advice possible. This book could quite literally save your life. Can you say that of any of Oprah’s books?
The Kama Sutra is a book every man must have, period. Vatsyayana lays out not only several varied sexual positions but also how to keep your marriage life active, how to commit adultery, and much more. It’s all part of the sensual side of humanity that we have been learning to discover since ancient times. And who doesn’t want better sex? Heck, get an illustrated version of the book, it will make reading it much more exciting, and maybe a little more instructive too.
So there it is, my book club. The main point here is: get rich. You’ll have fewer worries, more women coming after you, and more opportunities to try out what you learned in the Kama Sutra. So read, enjoy, and try not to get bitten by an alligator. I’m not sure if hitting it in the snout actually works, and I’d rather not have to find out first hand.
You being a loser aside, I’ve decided to do something about this whole book club thing. I mean, really, what’s the whole point of Oprah having a book club? Personally, I think it’s to turn all of America’s women into Oprah zombies. But that’s just a theory. Apparently, the books that Oprah recommends on her show are supposed to enlighten her viewers and open up their eyes to new ideas. These books are supposed to be inspirational and should quite literally change your life. Of course, I don’t agree with that.
Honestly, how is reading a book entitled, Chicken Soup for the Soul, going to change you life? If I have a bowl of chicken soup, will that make my problems go away? I know from experience that a bottle of whiskey can make your problems go away, although that’s only temporary. Seriously though, will any book you’ve gotten from Oprah’s book club change your life the way you need it changed? Will they help you get rid of your credit card debt, buy that dream car you always wanted, or teach you how to pick up that hot blonde on the other side of the bar? The answer, most obviously, is no.
So as a service to you, I have decided to compile a list of books that can actually change your life. These books are serious scriptures that deal with the cold hard facts of what you deal with every day. There’s no dressing anything up, no chicken soup metaphors, no “7 Habits for Highly Effective Illiterates,” or anything like that. Here’s my list:
1. A Random Walk Down Wall Street, by Burton Malkiel
2. Real Money: Sane Investing in an Insane World, by James Cramer
3. The Warren Buffet Way, by Robert Hagstrom
4. The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht
5. The Kama Sutra, by Vatsyayana
You’re probably wondering why I have three books dealing with investing. I mean, Oprah talks about several books that are geared toward lowering your personal debt and increasing your financial success. Well, the reason why Oprah’s books suck and the above listed books rule is that the people who wrote these books (aside from the first one) have made a lot of money using the practices outlined in the books. And by a lot, I mean millions of dollars. I don’t think the authors of books like Girl, Make Your Money Grow! ran their own wildly successful hedge funds and retired early. Who would you rather take advice from: retired millionaires or “financial experts” who have to work for a living? I know that if I had the choice, I’d rather not work for a living.
A Random Walk Down Wall Street, is the classic investing work by Princeton economics professor Burton Malkiel where he examines mutual fund managers and other investment professionals’ ability to make a decent return in the stock market. The long term statistics support his theory purported in the book, and hey, there’s much less thinking and worrying involved. Now that’s my kind of investing! Remember, thinking is always the enemy.
Real Money, Sane Investing in an Insane World, is the book that launched Jim Cramer from radio talk show to primetime TV. In the book, Cramer outlines the strategies he took on his path to becoming a multi-millionaire. Well, he won’t be throwing chairs around and sawing the heads off stuffed bears like he does on CNBC every night, but the book is still a treasure trove of investment advice. Buy it, read it, watch the show and try not to get hit by a chair.
The Warren Buffet Way, Investment Strategies of the World’s Greatest Investor is, well let’s face it, pretty much all books on investing are boring. And even the man himself, Warren Buffet, is pretty boring. But you need to believe the title of that book, because Buffet is the world’s greatest investor, hands down. In the early 1960’s Buffet started with $100 of his own money and little over $100,000 of his investors’ money. And today he is worth over $8 billion. Let me say this again: $100 + 40 years = $8 billion. That’s not too shabby. Warren Buffet is continuously one of the world’s top ten richest people, and unlike Bill Gates, he didn’t have to screw over ever PC user in the world to get there.
The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook is a masterpiece of nonfiction. It is mainly a book meant to amuse and entertain its readers, even though it appears to be an instructional survival guide. I have to admit that yes, it is entertaining. But I would advise you learn your lessons from the book as well. I’m sure none of you ever expect to have an alligator clamp down on your arm, but if it did somehow happen, wouldn’t you like to know how to get it off? (Hint: flick it on the snout.) This book can help you get out of so many hard to survive places that you should never leave your house without it. The authors consulted several experts in their fields to bring you the best survival advice possible. This book could quite literally save your life. Can you say that of any of Oprah’s books?
The Kama Sutra is a book every man must have, period. Vatsyayana lays out not only several varied sexual positions but also how to keep your marriage life active, how to commit adultery, and much more. It’s all part of the sensual side of humanity that we have been learning to discover since ancient times. And who doesn’t want better sex? Heck, get an illustrated version of the book, it will make reading it much more exciting, and maybe a little more instructive too.
So there it is, my book club. The main point here is: get rich. You’ll have fewer worries, more women coming after you, and more opportunities to try out what you learned in the Kama Sutra. So read, enjoy, and try not to get bitten by an alligator. I’m not sure if hitting it in the snout actually works, and I’d rather not have to find out first hand.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Whiskey
As you very well may know, I enjoy the degenerative pleasures in life, mainly stemming from my fascination of all things related to alcohol. And as such, I am devoted to many areas of exploration within the land of alcohol related products. Previously I have delved into the realms of beer and wine, but now I think it is time to take a much closer look at the world of liquor.
See, this past Friday I had a little bit of time off and didn’t exactly know what to do with myself. Seeing as how everyone else was busy (and didn’t want an alcoholic asshole tagging along), I decided to do something I’ve been meaning to do for a little while now. I decided to try to devise some new drinks. Now I know that there are literally thousands of drink recipes out on the web, and most mixtures of alcohol have already been tried before. But I was dealing with some brand new liquors that had just hit the market and had yet to be publicized in new drinks.
Bacardi recently released its Grand Melon Rum while Stolichnaya released its Stoli Blueberi Vodka. Both of these seemed interesting to me, so I went and picked up a bottle of each. The Bacardi Grand Melon actually has a very strong watermelon flavor which makes it much sweeter than a normal rum. This will probably be used in sweeter, fruitier cocktails than your regular and boring rum and coke. The Stoli Blueberi also has a strong blueberry flavor that, as a lover of blueberries, I was quite pleased with. But the liquor still acts like a normal vodka leaving me to believe it can be interchanged in recipes where regular or other flavored vodkas are used.
Now, there are a few things you need to know when playing around and mixing new drinks in your own home. First off, you have to have a decent variety of liquors and these liquors have to be capable of melding together. That means having tequila, vodka, rum and whiskey is not enough! Seriously, trying to mix tequila and whiskey is just disaster. So make sure you get some nice cordials, like some Kahlua, Bailey’s, peach schnapps, raspberry schnapps, crème de cocoa, triple sec, and an assortment of flavored rums, vodkas and brandies. Now you don’t have to have all of this, but it does help to think about what liquors you’ll be mixing together when you go shopping. As I said before, mixing whiskey and tequila is a bad, BAD idea, trust me. You don’t want to know why I already have that knowledge.
That being said, there are a few more important things to know. Mixers, non-alcoholic ingredients you mix in to drinks to influence the taste, are important. Forget the coke, it’s only good for a rum and coke, and that’s pretty boring. But sprite, or 7-up, can mix pretty well in some cocktails. You will also need orange juice, pineapple juice, cranberry juice, sour mix (home made or store bought), ginger ale, club soda, tonic water, and (my personal favorite) white cranberry juice. Oh, and don’t forget that it might be a good idea to spend a little bit more money when shopping. When it comes to liquors, upgrading to the mid-grade stuff, $12-$15 a bottle, will not only taste better, but also leave you with less problems in the morning.
Ok, so back to Friday night. I had my large assortment of liquors, a decent amount of mixers, and a great imagination. So I was ready to go. Of course, my first couple of drinks didn’t turn out quite the way I wanted them to. That’s ok, this is why I was experimenting, trying to fool around until something worked right. And don’t worry if your drink doesn’t come out perfect, the worst case scenario is that if it sucks, you have to drink it. And we all know what happens when you drink alcohol… that’s right, you get drunk! And who can complain about that?
A few drinks I made, I think were ok on the ingredients, but I still need to work on the proportions. I was making smaller drinks and just eyeballing the amounts that went in, which is ok in an informal environment. But if you want to take special care in making your drinks, you need to measure the amounts properly with a jigger. I don’t own a jigger, so I used my eyes, which are notoriously not perfect. Hey my vision may be less than 20/20, but I’m still good enough to drive without glasses legally. This makes you wonder how safe our roads are if a guy like me with crappy eyes can drive around unimpeded.
Although, I did do something important that night, I recorded every drink I made. I have ten drinks that I came up with written down in my notebook. Each drink has a number, the liquors and mixers used, and a few notes written about the flavor and characteristics of the cocktail. Of course, I haven’t gotten around to naming any of the drinks, even though about half of them probably aren’t good enough to need names yet. I thought briefly about naming drinks after comic book characters. For instance: the Dirty Wolverine, the Blue Bishop, or the Raspberry Shocker. But I’m a little bit afraid that Marvel Comics might sue me over copyright infringement or something like that. So I’m stuck on names. I’ll let someone else name them. I’ll focus on creating them and drinking them… and drinking more of them. Hey, it’s what I’m good at.
I have to say, my night of mixing and drinking was at least on some level, a success. I did come up with a chocolate blueberry like drink, and a couple of fruity watermelon rum drinks. So all in all, it was not a bad night. Although, I do wish I had a few people with me to help sample the drinks so I could have more opinions. Having a lady or two handy to sample my fruity drinks would have been very helpful seeing as how I don’t usually drink that girly type stuff. Also, I’m never opposed to being surround by drunken females. Usually, I only drink whiskey. In fact, I’ve been drinking a Mint Julep the entire time I’ve been writing this article. And let me tell you, it tastes absolutely wonderful (and if you don’t know what a Mint Julep is, well, you’re missing out).
Once again, I remain dedicated to you, devising new drinks and test tasting them for the public at large. Thanks to me, you will now have new drinks to try out at parties and your favorite bar. Just remember to always enjoy your drinks responsibly. And by this I mean that you should use real glassware as it won’t detract from the flavor like plastic can. Oh, and use high quality liquors, they won’t make you feel as bad in the morning. There’s something about a designated driver or something like that… but it’s a bunch of phooey. From my personal experience, if you pass out in a bush on your host’s front lawn, the next time he’ll pay for your cab ride home. Most people don’t like hung over drunks posing as lawn ornaments. Just one life lesson that I’m passing on to you.
See, this past Friday I had a little bit of time off and didn’t exactly know what to do with myself. Seeing as how everyone else was busy (and didn’t want an alcoholic asshole tagging along), I decided to do something I’ve been meaning to do for a little while now. I decided to try to devise some new drinks. Now I know that there are literally thousands of drink recipes out on the web, and most mixtures of alcohol have already been tried before. But I was dealing with some brand new liquors that had just hit the market and had yet to be publicized in new drinks.
Bacardi recently released its Grand Melon Rum while Stolichnaya released its Stoli Blueberi Vodka. Both of these seemed interesting to me, so I went and picked up a bottle of each. The Bacardi Grand Melon actually has a very strong watermelon flavor which makes it much sweeter than a normal rum. This will probably be used in sweeter, fruitier cocktails than your regular and boring rum and coke. The Stoli Blueberi also has a strong blueberry flavor that, as a lover of blueberries, I was quite pleased with. But the liquor still acts like a normal vodka leaving me to believe it can be interchanged in recipes where regular or other flavored vodkas are used.
Now, there are a few things you need to know when playing around and mixing new drinks in your own home. First off, you have to have a decent variety of liquors and these liquors have to be capable of melding together. That means having tequila, vodka, rum and whiskey is not enough! Seriously, trying to mix tequila and whiskey is just disaster. So make sure you get some nice cordials, like some Kahlua, Bailey’s, peach schnapps, raspberry schnapps, crème de cocoa, triple sec, and an assortment of flavored rums, vodkas and brandies. Now you don’t have to have all of this, but it does help to think about what liquors you’ll be mixing together when you go shopping. As I said before, mixing whiskey and tequila is a bad, BAD idea, trust me. You don’t want to know why I already have that knowledge.
That being said, there are a few more important things to know. Mixers, non-alcoholic ingredients you mix in to drinks to influence the taste, are important. Forget the coke, it’s only good for a rum and coke, and that’s pretty boring. But sprite, or 7-up, can mix pretty well in some cocktails. You will also need orange juice, pineapple juice, cranberry juice, sour mix (home made or store bought), ginger ale, club soda, tonic water, and (my personal favorite) white cranberry juice. Oh, and don’t forget that it might be a good idea to spend a little bit more money when shopping. When it comes to liquors, upgrading to the mid-grade stuff, $12-$15 a bottle, will not only taste better, but also leave you with less problems in the morning.
Ok, so back to Friday night. I had my large assortment of liquors, a decent amount of mixers, and a great imagination. So I was ready to go. Of course, my first couple of drinks didn’t turn out quite the way I wanted them to. That’s ok, this is why I was experimenting, trying to fool around until something worked right. And don’t worry if your drink doesn’t come out perfect, the worst case scenario is that if it sucks, you have to drink it. And we all know what happens when you drink alcohol… that’s right, you get drunk! And who can complain about that?
A few drinks I made, I think were ok on the ingredients, but I still need to work on the proportions. I was making smaller drinks and just eyeballing the amounts that went in, which is ok in an informal environment. But if you want to take special care in making your drinks, you need to measure the amounts properly with a jigger. I don’t own a jigger, so I used my eyes, which are notoriously not perfect. Hey my vision may be less than 20/20, but I’m still good enough to drive without glasses legally. This makes you wonder how safe our roads are if a guy like me with crappy eyes can drive around unimpeded.
Although, I did do something important that night, I recorded every drink I made. I have ten drinks that I came up with written down in my notebook. Each drink has a number, the liquors and mixers used, and a few notes written about the flavor and characteristics of the cocktail. Of course, I haven’t gotten around to naming any of the drinks, even though about half of them probably aren’t good enough to need names yet. I thought briefly about naming drinks after comic book characters. For instance: the Dirty Wolverine, the Blue Bishop, or the Raspberry Shocker. But I’m a little bit afraid that Marvel Comics might sue me over copyright infringement or something like that. So I’m stuck on names. I’ll let someone else name them. I’ll focus on creating them and drinking them… and drinking more of them. Hey, it’s what I’m good at.
I have to say, my night of mixing and drinking was at least on some level, a success. I did come up with a chocolate blueberry like drink, and a couple of fruity watermelon rum drinks. So all in all, it was not a bad night. Although, I do wish I had a few people with me to help sample the drinks so I could have more opinions. Having a lady or two handy to sample my fruity drinks would have been very helpful seeing as how I don’t usually drink that girly type stuff. Also, I’m never opposed to being surround by drunken females. Usually, I only drink whiskey. In fact, I’ve been drinking a Mint Julep the entire time I’ve been writing this article. And let me tell you, it tastes absolutely wonderful (and if you don’t know what a Mint Julep is, well, you’re missing out).
Once again, I remain dedicated to you, devising new drinks and test tasting them for the public at large. Thanks to me, you will now have new drinks to try out at parties and your favorite bar. Just remember to always enjoy your drinks responsibly. And by this I mean that you should use real glassware as it won’t detract from the flavor like plastic can. Oh, and use high quality liquors, they won’t make you feel as bad in the morning. There’s something about a designated driver or something like that… but it’s a bunch of phooey. From my personal experience, if you pass out in a bush on your host’s front lawn, the next time he’ll pay for your cab ride home. Most people don’t like hung over drunks posing as lawn ornaments. Just one life lesson that I’m passing on to you.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
So Who’s the Arch-villain Here?
There comes a time in every man’s life when he must face the facts. It’s a time of reflection and understanding, a time to grow and mature. I have reached that time. This is a most profound and joyous day for me. It is the day I attain an arch nemesis.
Now, not everyone can get an arch nemesis. You have to either be a hero or villain steeped rich in fame or infamy. Feel free to categorize me in either of those two slots. I really don’t mind. I like to see myself as a hero to all mankind, espousing my grand knowledge and rational judgments to the benefit of all men who stand for what is good and pure. But then again, there are a few women out there who would disagree with my methods and manners. I really don’t know what women have against me, I mean, I’m a stand up guy. So what if I’d rather play a video game than take a girl out on a date? How often do you get to be a Guitar Hero on a date?
Of course, with all that in mind, I have finally landed on my arch nemesis, and her name is Oprah Winfrey. Yes, yes, I know, I sound just like the Man Show (I’m referring to the original Man Show with Adam Corolla and Jim Kimmel, not the later incarnation of which we shall never mention). But since the Man Show is no long airing new episodes, it has been left to me to take on the fight against the ostentatious machinations which is Oprah.
Now I have nothing against the woman personally, I think it is amazing how Oprah has been able to build up the fame and fortune that she has. And in that regard, I my hat goes off to her. But Oprah has built her empire on the emotions and intellect of women, and that is very dangerous. The power that one person holds over literally millions of women, goes beyond any totalitarian regime in the history of mankind. The ability to pierce this hold that influences probably every woman you know is beyond the ability of any man I have ever met. You don’t believe me? Ask any woman you know what she thinks of Oprah, and after about three minutes if you don’t want bury your head in the sand to end the misery, then you’re a stronger man than I.
But how does she do this? How can one woman hold so much power over every female in America, and many others around the world? So far, this is something that modern science has yet been capable of explaining. I have some of my own theories however. Oprah’s book club focus’s how women spend their time and what kind of reading they do. By controlling what women read she is able to control what kind of information they receive and what kind of thoughts they have. And as we all know, the regulation over knowledge and information is just as strong as any formal power could be.
Oprah also has her magazine, O, her daily television show, her “after the show” show, and her own store. She covers everything from relationships, mind and body, spirit and self, dieting, home decorating, and money. So basically, she covers everything about your life. It’s not like she’s trying to tell you how to live your life, she’s just trying to show you how your life is pathetic and you should live it the way she tells you to. I would argue with that logic, except for she’s insanely rich and well, I’m not. But I’m still suspicious of her, nevertheless.
Let’s not forget that it was Oprah who brought us Dr. Phil. You know Dr. Phil, he’s the guy who gets up on TV and yells at people because their lives are all screwed up. He started out as a regular on Oprah’s show, and now he has his own show. He has several best selling books and people all over the press are raving about how wonderful he is. And why do they do that? Mainly, it’s because he’s a friend of Oprah. That’s all it takes, if Oprah says you’re ok, then you’re in the money, literally.
Although, I didn’t realize it took a PhD in psychology to tell someone that they’re a messed up screwball. Heck, I do it all the time. I scream at people and tell them how screwy and dysfunctional they are and I don’t even have my own television show. I do the work of Dr. Phil for free. And you know why? I enjoy it. Seriously, making fun of people for their shortcomings is one of the few guilty free pleasures of life. And Dr. Phil does it for a living, and people love him for it. I guess that psychology degree teaches you how to trick an entire nation into thinking that you’re making the world a better place by preying on the insecurities of others.
Don’t worry though, I’m not bitter about the Dr. Phil thing. Nor am I bitter about Oprah. I just want to be here so I can offer a counter point to everything they say and do. Remember, just because Oprah or Dr. Phil gives you advice, it doesn’t mean that you should have to follow it. It’s only their theory of how you could live your life; those two don’t know everything. In fact, there is a lot that they don’t know. Just keep in mind that the reason they give guidance is because they’re on TV. They like to have good ratings, so I wouldn’t be surprised if their judgment got clouded because they were trying to give advice that would improve their ratings and their bankroll.
On the other hand, I’m not paid to listen to you or tell you what to do. Therefore, you’re always free to follow my advice. Of course, my advice usually involves getting really drunk and passing out in random places, but hey, that’s always worked for me. You really don’t have to take my advice either, and honestly the more I think about it, the more it seems like a good idea that you never take my advice. “Dump your girlfriend, get drunk, and find the cheapest hooker you can,” is not the best advice for every situation. In fact, that’s probably the worst advice in any situation. But, then again, that’s never stopped me before.
So what is the point of all of this? Well, I just want you, my dearest readers, to know that I am here to oppose Oprah in all her endeavors. Where she strives to keep you in sound mind and body and spirituality, I am here to dirty your mind, corrupt your spirit and keep your body thoroughly inebriated. And let’s be honest with ourselves here, what’s more fun: bringing your spirit in harmony with your mind and body through a bunch of new age hocus pocus, or giving into the carnal and very enjoyable pleasures in life? As it has been said before: Let’s eat, drink, and be merry! And I always like to put an emphasis on the drinking and being merry part.
Now, not everyone can get an arch nemesis. You have to either be a hero or villain steeped rich in fame or infamy. Feel free to categorize me in either of those two slots. I really don’t mind. I like to see myself as a hero to all mankind, espousing my grand knowledge and rational judgments to the benefit of all men who stand for what is good and pure. But then again, there are a few women out there who would disagree with my methods and manners. I really don’t know what women have against me, I mean, I’m a stand up guy. So what if I’d rather play a video game than take a girl out on a date? How often do you get to be a Guitar Hero on a date?
Of course, with all that in mind, I have finally landed on my arch nemesis, and her name is Oprah Winfrey. Yes, yes, I know, I sound just like the Man Show (I’m referring to the original Man Show with Adam Corolla and Jim Kimmel, not the later incarnation of which we shall never mention). But since the Man Show is no long airing new episodes, it has been left to me to take on the fight against the ostentatious machinations which is Oprah.
Now I have nothing against the woman personally, I think it is amazing how Oprah has been able to build up the fame and fortune that she has. And in that regard, I my hat goes off to her. But Oprah has built her empire on the emotions and intellect of women, and that is very dangerous. The power that one person holds over literally millions of women, goes beyond any totalitarian regime in the history of mankind. The ability to pierce this hold that influences probably every woman you know is beyond the ability of any man I have ever met. You don’t believe me? Ask any woman you know what she thinks of Oprah, and after about three minutes if you don’t want bury your head in the sand to end the misery, then you’re a stronger man than I.
But how does she do this? How can one woman hold so much power over every female in America, and many others around the world? So far, this is something that modern science has yet been capable of explaining. I have some of my own theories however. Oprah’s book club focus’s how women spend their time and what kind of reading they do. By controlling what women read she is able to control what kind of information they receive and what kind of thoughts they have. And as we all know, the regulation over knowledge and information is just as strong as any formal power could be.
Oprah also has her magazine, O, her daily television show, her “after the show” show, and her own store. She covers everything from relationships, mind and body, spirit and self, dieting, home decorating, and money. So basically, she covers everything about your life. It’s not like she’s trying to tell you how to live your life, she’s just trying to show you how your life is pathetic and you should live it the way she tells you to. I would argue with that logic, except for she’s insanely rich and well, I’m not. But I’m still suspicious of her, nevertheless.
Let’s not forget that it was Oprah who brought us Dr. Phil. You know Dr. Phil, he’s the guy who gets up on TV and yells at people because their lives are all screwed up. He started out as a regular on Oprah’s show, and now he has his own show. He has several best selling books and people all over the press are raving about how wonderful he is. And why do they do that? Mainly, it’s because he’s a friend of Oprah. That’s all it takes, if Oprah says you’re ok, then you’re in the money, literally.
Although, I didn’t realize it took a PhD in psychology to tell someone that they’re a messed up screwball. Heck, I do it all the time. I scream at people and tell them how screwy and dysfunctional they are and I don’t even have my own television show. I do the work of Dr. Phil for free. And you know why? I enjoy it. Seriously, making fun of people for their shortcomings is one of the few guilty free pleasures of life. And Dr. Phil does it for a living, and people love him for it. I guess that psychology degree teaches you how to trick an entire nation into thinking that you’re making the world a better place by preying on the insecurities of others.
Don’t worry though, I’m not bitter about the Dr. Phil thing. Nor am I bitter about Oprah. I just want to be here so I can offer a counter point to everything they say and do. Remember, just because Oprah or Dr. Phil gives you advice, it doesn’t mean that you should have to follow it. It’s only their theory of how you could live your life; those two don’t know everything. In fact, there is a lot that they don’t know. Just keep in mind that the reason they give guidance is because they’re on TV. They like to have good ratings, so I wouldn’t be surprised if their judgment got clouded because they were trying to give advice that would improve their ratings and their bankroll.
On the other hand, I’m not paid to listen to you or tell you what to do. Therefore, you’re always free to follow my advice. Of course, my advice usually involves getting really drunk and passing out in random places, but hey, that’s always worked for me. You really don’t have to take my advice either, and honestly the more I think about it, the more it seems like a good idea that you never take my advice. “Dump your girlfriend, get drunk, and find the cheapest hooker you can,” is not the best advice for every situation. In fact, that’s probably the worst advice in any situation. But, then again, that’s never stopped me before.
So what is the point of all of this? Well, I just want you, my dearest readers, to know that I am here to oppose Oprah in all her endeavors. Where she strives to keep you in sound mind and body and spirituality, I am here to dirty your mind, corrupt your spirit and keep your body thoroughly inebriated. And let’s be honest with ourselves here, what’s more fun: bringing your spirit in harmony with your mind and body through a bunch of new age hocus pocus, or giving into the carnal and very enjoyable pleasures in life? As it has been said before: Let’s eat, drink, and be merry! And I always like to put an emphasis on the drinking and being merry part.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
I’m a Dirty, Dirty Whore
I recently found myself playing an older video game, Chrono Trigger. This is probably because it’s my favorite video game of all time. It was made way back in 1995 for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, and even today I think every part of the game is awesome. But why am I playing an 11 year old game when I have a Gamecube, Playstation 2, and a shiny new computer? I mean, besides the fact that I’m a sucker for nostalgia.
The market for console games isn’t so hot right now since both Sony and Nintendo are gearing up for the release of their next generation systems. And I’m eagerly awaiting those systems, mostly the new Nintendo, named Wii. Yes, it’s pronounced “Weee.” I really don’t know what I can say about the name that isn’t painfully obvious. I think I’m going to get a permanent marker and write “REVOLUTION” on the front of my Wii when I get one (Revolution is Nintendo’s old codename for the Wii). I just refuse to say the name Wii out loud. I mean, seriously, I feel like an idiot just reading it.
But that won’t stop me from buying one. The new controller and game mechanics aside, I’m going to buy pretty much anything Nintendo puts out. This is because I’m Nintendo’s whore. They put out a new system or some new games, I buy them. Right now in my apartment I have a Super Nintendo, a Gamecube, a Gameboy Advance, and a DS. And I hope you all know how much I love my DS. Back at my parent’s place I have an old Gameboy, and I co-own a Super Nintendo and a Nintendo 64 with my brother. And let’s not talk about the volume of games I’ve built up over the years.
I’m beginning to think Nintendo needs to pay me money. I could wear a Nintendo t-shirt around and be a walking piece of advertising for them. I mean, they’ve made plenty of money off me in the past, and will continue to into the future, so the way I see it, I’m a good investment. You know how bad it is when you go clothes shopping with a girl… well, I’m probably worse when I step into the local EB Games store. I take my damned time looking at all the new and used games, seeing if there’s anything there worth buying. And well, it doesn’t matter if anything is worth buying or not, I still walk away with at least one game in my hand.
It’s not like I’m obsessed with Nintendo games or anything. But I’m probably the only guy you know who has a list of things to do before I die that includes: Beat all of the Metroid games and beat all of the Legend of Zelda games. And I’m kind of behind on that. I still haven’t beaten the original Metroid on NES, Metroid 2 on Gameboy or Metroid Prime 2, even though I own the last one. I have yet to beat the first two Zelda’s on the NES or either of the two Zelda’s on Gameboy Color. I need to get to work on that. It’s not for a lack of game playing skills that I have yet to beat those games, that’s for sure. I mean, I may not be able to beat Super Mario Bros. 3 in only 11 minutes, but I’m still pretty damn good with a controller in my hand.
So yes, I am a complete and total Nintendo whore. But what do I get for my dedication to Shigeru Miyamoto and company? Well, let’s see: The newest Zelda game, The Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess, has been postponed several times and may not come out until Christmas this year (it was originally slated for October of last year). Nintendo didn’t even bother to come out with a Metroid title for the Nintendo 64 making me wait for several years before Metroid Prime came out for the Gamecube. There has yet to be a sequel to Mario RPG, and NO, Paper Mario does not count. Yoshi Story for the N64 was a horrible game, nothing like the awesomeness that was Yoshi Story for the SNES. And no more sequels to Perfect Dark, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, or Donkey Kong Country for Nintendo systems (of course, this is due to Microsoft buying up the developer Rare and forcing them to make really crappy sequels on the X-box).
To be perfectly honest, I feel let down and abandoned. How could Nintendo do this to me? I’ve been a loyal and faithful whore all these years. Haven’t they noticed? Certainly not. They never remember my birthday and as I pointed out before, they took away my Christmas present last year when they postponed the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess. But being the whore that I am, I will give them one more chance. I will wait for them to make amends. The Wii (and I shudder every time I write that word) better come out in time for this Christmas, and it better rock my world. And it had better launch with the Twilight Princess. I’m going through some serious Zelda withdraws, mainly because the Wind Waker didn’t quite give me the Zelda fix I needed. It only managed to tie me over for a little while.
If Nintendo fails on this, if they don’t come through for me at the end of the year, I just don’t know what I’ll do. It would be as if my whole world crashed in upon itself and crushed me like an insignificant bug. I know that probably sounds pathetic, having my life revolve around video games and one console especially. But let’s think about this a minute. What do I really have to look forward to in the real world? The developing troubles in the Middle East that will only get worse before they get better. The end of cheap gas and energy that won’t just increase the fuel I put in my car, but also the cost of most of the goods I buy. The fact that we elected a president and national government that can’t seem to be capable enough to balance a budget. Should these things excite me and make me happy day in and day out?
The answer, for me at least, is no. This is why I prefer to get my news from the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. I may not get all the facts, but hey, the facts are upsetting and depressing, and who wants that? So I enjoy playing video games. In Chrono Trigger, I guide a group of youngsters who must master time travel in order to save the planet from a great evil threatening to consume it. And while doing so, the group saves humanity from evil forces in several different eras of time. See, its uplifting, good triumphs over evil, and one of the characters is a frog. I mean, who doesn’t like a talking frog?
And I’d like to state for the record that video games do not make me violent. Just because I can hack and slash and shoot people up in a video game does not mean I’m going to go do it in the outside world. Well, ok, if Twilight Princess doesn’t come out by this Christmas, I may buy a one way ticket to Japan and go postal on some Nintendo employees. But that doesn’t prove anything. Video games have not taught me violence is ok, I know for a fact that violence is wrong. It’s just that I’ve come to depend on video games like a drug, and if I don’t get my fix… bad things tend to happen. So if you don’t want bad things to happen, write a letter to Nintendo and tell them to send me a free copy of the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess as soon as it’s ready. Thank you!
The market for console games isn’t so hot right now since both Sony and Nintendo are gearing up for the release of their next generation systems. And I’m eagerly awaiting those systems, mostly the new Nintendo, named Wii. Yes, it’s pronounced “Weee.” I really don’t know what I can say about the name that isn’t painfully obvious. I think I’m going to get a permanent marker and write “REVOLUTION” on the front of my Wii when I get one (Revolution is Nintendo’s old codename for the Wii). I just refuse to say the name Wii out loud. I mean, seriously, I feel like an idiot just reading it.
But that won’t stop me from buying one. The new controller and game mechanics aside, I’m going to buy pretty much anything Nintendo puts out. This is because I’m Nintendo’s whore. They put out a new system or some new games, I buy them. Right now in my apartment I have a Super Nintendo, a Gamecube, a Gameboy Advance, and a DS. And I hope you all know how much I love my DS. Back at my parent’s place I have an old Gameboy, and I co-own a Super Nintendo and a Nintendo 64 with my brother. And let’s not talk about the volume of games I’ve built up over the years.
I’m beginning to think Nintendo needs to pay me money. I could wear a Nintendo t-shirt around and be a walking piece of advertising for them. I mean, they’ve made plenty of money off me in the past, and will continue to into the future, so the way I see it, I’m a good investment. You know how bad it is when you go clothes shopping with a girl… well, I’m probably worse when I step into the local EB Games store. I take my damned time looking at all the new and used games, seeing if there’s anything there worth buying. And well, it doesn’t matter if anything is worth buying or not, I still walk away with at least one game in my hand.
It’s not like I’m obsessed with Nintendo games or anything. But I’m probably the only guy you know who has a list of things to do before I die that includes: Beat all of the Metroid games and beat all of the Legend of Zelda games. And I’m kind of behind on that. I still haven’t beaten the original Metroid on NES, Metroid 2 on Gameboy or Metroid Prime 2, even though I own the last one. I have yet to beat the first two Zelda’s on the NES or either of the two Zelda’s on Gameboy Color. I need to get to work on that. It’s not for a lack of game playing skills that I have yet to beat those games, that’s for sure. I mean, I may not be able to beat Super Mario Bros. 3 in only 11 minutes, but I’m still pretty damn good with a controller in my hand.
So yes, I am a complete and total Nintendo whore. But what do I get for my dedication to Shigeru Miyamoto and company? Well, let’s see: The newest Zelda game, The Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess, has been postponed several times and may not come out until Christmas this year (it was originally slated for October of last year). Nintendo didn’t even bother to come out with a Metroid title for the Nintendo 64 making me wait for several years before Metroid Prime came out for the Gamecube. There has yet to be a sequel to Mario RPG, and NO, Paper Mario does not count. Yoshi Story for the N64 was a horrible game, nothing like the awesomeness that was Yoshi Story for the SNES. And no more sequels to Perfect Dark, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, or Donkey Kong Country for Nintendo systems (of course, this is due to Microsoft buying up the developer Rare and forcing them to make really crappy sequels on the X-box).
To be perfectly honest, I feel let down and abandoned. How could Nintendo do this to me? I’ve been a loyal and faithful whore all these years. Haven’t they noticed? Certainly not. They never remember my birthday and as I pointed out before, they took away my Christmas present last year when they postponed the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess. But being the whore that I am, I will give them one more chance. I will wait for them to make amends. The Wii (and I shudder every time I write that word) better come out in time for this Christmas, and it better rock my world. And it had better launch with the Twilight Princess. I’m going through some serious Zelda withdraws, mainly because the Wind Waker didn’t quite give me the Zelda fix I needed. It only managed to tie me over for a little while.
If Nintendo fails on this, if they don’t come through for me at the end of the year, I just don’t know what I’ll do. It would be as if my whole world crashed in upon itself and crushed me like an insignificant bug. I know that probably sounds pathetic, having my life revolve around video games and one console especially. But let’s think about this a minute. What do I really have to look forward to in the real world? The developing troubles in the Middle East that will only get worse before they get better. The end of cheap gas and energy that won’t just increase the fuel I put in my car, but also the cost of most of the goods I buy. The fact that we elected a president and national government that can’t seem to be capable enough to balance a budget. Should these things excite me and make me happy day in and day out?
The answer, for me at least, is no. This is why I prefer to get my news from the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. I may not get all the facts, but hey, the facts are upsetting and depressing, and who wants that? So I enjoy playing video games. In Chrono Trigger, I guide a group of youngsters who must master time travel in order to save the planet from a great evil threatening to consume it. And while doing so, the group saves humanity from evil forces in several different eras of time. See, its uplifting, good triumphs over evil, and one of the characters is a frog. I mean, who doesn’t like a talking frog?
And I’d like to state for the record that video games do not make me violent. Just because I can hack and slash and shoot people up in a video game does not mean I’m going to go do it in the outside world. Well, ok, if Twilight Princess doesn’t come out by this Christmas, I may buy a one way ticket to Japan and go postal on some Nintendo employees. But that doesn’t prove anything. Video games have not taught me violence is ok, I know for a fact that violence is wrong. It’s just that I’ve come to depend on video games like a drug, and if I don’t get my fix… bad things tend to happen. So if you don’t want bad things to happen, write a letter to Nintendo and tell them to send me a free copy of the Legend of Zelda, the Twilight Princess as soon as it’s ready. Thank you!
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