Step 1: Admitting You Have a Problem

I’ve never really thought that I have an addictive personality. I don’t need alcohol to survive, I just need it to function in society. But after this past week, I’ve been beginning to wonder if maybe I have an addiction. I’ve been completely obsessed with one thing and only one thing for the past eight days. It has even begun to permeate to the rest of my life as well.

What am I talking about? Well, it’s Guitar Hero. For those of you who don’t know, Guitar Hero is a video game exclusively for the Playstation 2. Instead of using a controller, you plug in a guitar. Well, it’s not a real guitar, but it’s a simplified replica that is designed to be used with the video game. There are five buttons corresponding to the frets and a switch (that can be pushed down or up) where you would strum the strings of the guitar. The game has you “strumming” your Gibson SG replica to the tune of over 30 rockin’ songs as you try to reach the status of a Guitar Hero.

Simply put, the game is amazing. You get to play songs like I Love Rock and Roll, Ironman, Smoke on the Water, Stellar, and so many more classics. There are four different levels of difficulty so you can take your time and work your way up towards playing like a professional. There’s just something about feeling like I’m actually playing the song that makes me feel all warm inside. There’s nothing like the feeling of being up onstage, rocking out to Eric Clapton, and feeling like everyone is cheering you on. It gets the blood pumping, that’s for sure.

Not only do I get to be a guitar god by playing that game, but I also get to listen to some insanely awesome music. Some times I’ll miss a note or two because I’m paying more attention to the music than I am to the notes on the TV screen that I’m supposed to be playing. Unfortunately, when I miss a note, the guitar track won’t play until I start hitting the notes again. And that just makes me sad. I mean, missing out on a killer song brings tears to my eyes and shame to my soul. Luckily once I get back on track and get the song playing again my mood picks back up and my soul beings to soar.

All of this Guitar Heroing has begun to affect many of my other habits. Now whenever I hear an awesome rock song playing, I immediately attempt to perform it on my air guitar version of my Gibson SG video game replica. There’s something about doing an air guitar imitation of a video game replica that just screams wannabe. Imagine if you will, me walking into a very upscale restaurant, escorted by a lovely looking female, both of us dressed up very nicely, when suddenly I hear Z. Z. Top’s Sharp Dressed Man playing in the bar and without delay I quickly break out my illusionary six-string and begin to play along with all the enthusiasm of a rock star. It is not a pretty picture, I assure you.

Maybe this means that I shouldn’t be allowed to play video games. They obviously have a negative effect on me. Well I agree that I tend to play a lot of mindless video games, but I don’t think that it means that I shouldn’t play them any more. When it comes right down to it, I probably shouldn’t be allowed to participate in society any longer. Let’s be perfectly honest with ourselves, rock stars aren’t exactly the epitome of societal standards. But they can get away with it because they’re friggin rock stars. I, however, am not a rock star. I may be a Guitar Hero late at night while rocking out on my Playstation, but that in no way gives me rock star status in society. So I should just be shunned by all of society at large. I really do think it’s for the best.

So, since I cannot be a rock star, I have decided to lend my considerable mental facilities to those of you who are, or are aspiring to be, rock stars. I’ve taken some time out of my busy video game playing schedule (yes, I do have a schedule that shows what video game I am playing at what time) and have crafted this handy list of dos and don’ts for rock stars. Enjoy.

Do be loud, drunk, and obnoxious while you are playing. If you’re not, then you are not, by definition, a rock star

Don’t get beaten up by Ralph Lauren. I mean, what kind of rock star gets his butt kicked by a fashion mogul? (Hint: the answer is Axel Rose)

Do play an extreme guitar solo. Guitar solo’s rock. Just don’t let your drummer have a solo.

Don’t wear your hair like they did in the 80’s. For the love of God, just don’t do it.

Do get a Myspace.com account. I may think that Myspace.com is a complete waste of time and a cesspool for annoying pre-teens, but as it turns out, those pre-teens spend a lot of money on music. And rock stars should get paid.

Don’t give in to the heckling and play Freebird. The moron in the audience yelling that out just doesn’t know the name of any good songs.

Do be sexually promiscuous. You need to pass on your rock star genes to the future rockers of America. Not all rock stars will live as long as Mick Jagger.

Don’t OD on drugs. We’ve already lost far too many rock stars that way.

Do practice at all hours of the day being as loud as possible so that your condo or homeowners association tries to get you kicked out. Hey, if it doesn’t piss anyone off, it’s not rock and roll.

Don’t smash your guitar into the stage at the end of a show. The guitar is an expensive piece of equipment and a valuable tool in producing art.

Do borrow someone else’s guitar so you can smash it into the stage at the end of the show. Then afterwards, blame the damage on the drummer.

Don’t play the song Fat Bottom Girls by Queen when your girlfriend is around. Trust me, she’ll think you’re trying to tell her she’s fat. Girls are crazy that way.

So that’s it, my list of what to do and what not to do for you emerging rock stars. I hope you’ve learned a thing or two today. I know I did: I should not be allowed to go to nice places with nice girls, I just end up embarrassing everyone. Well, I don’t embarrass myself, I quit being embarrassed by my brash stupidity a long time ago. So luckily everyone else just gets embarrassed. And that’s perfectly ok with me so long as I still get to go home, pull out my Playstation, and be a Guitar Hero.