So Who’s the Arch-villain Here?

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must face the facts. It’s a time of reflection and understanding, a time to grow and mature. I have reached that time. This is a most profound and joyous day for me. It is the day I attain an arch nemesis.

Now, not everyone can get an arch nemesis. You have to either be a hero or villain steeped rich in fame or infamy. Feel free to categorize me in either of those two slots. I really don’t mind. I like to see myself as a hero to all mankind, espousing my grand knowledge and rational judgments to the benefit of all men who stand for what is good and pure. But then again, there are a few women out there who would disagree with my methods and manners. I really don’t know what women have against me, I mean, I’m a stand up guy. So what if I’d rather play a video game than take a girl out on a date? How often do you get to be a Guitar Hero on a date?

Of course, with all that in mind, I have finally landed on my arch nemesis, and her name is Oprah Winfrey. Yes, yes, I know, I sound just like the Man Show (I’m referring to the original Man Show with Adam Corolla and Jim Kimmel, not the later incarnation of which we shall never mention). But since the Man Show is no long airing new episodes, it has been left to me to take on the fight against the ostentatious machinations which is Oprah.

Now I have nothing against the woman personally, I think it is amazing how Oprah has been able to build up the fame and fortune that she has. And in that regard, I my hat goes off to her. But Oprah has built her empire on the emotions and intellect of women, and that is very dangerous. The power that one person holds over literally millions of women, goes beyond any totalitarian regime in the history of mankind. The ability to pierce this hold that influences probably every woman you know is beyond the ability of any man I have ever met. You don’t believe me? Ask any woman you know what she thinks of Oprah, and after about three minutes if you don’t want bury your head in the sand to end the misery, then you’re a stronger man than I.

But how does she do this? How can one woman hold so much power over every female in America, and many others around the world? So far, this is something that modern science has yet been capable of explaining. I have some of my own theories however. Oprah’s book club focus’s how women spend their time and what kind of reading they do. By controlling what women read she is able to control what kind of information they receive and what kind of thoughts they have. And as we all know, the regulation over knowledge and information is just as strong as any formal power could be.

Oprah also has her magazine, O, her daily television show, her “after the show” show, and her own store. She covers everything from relationships, mind and body, spirit and self, dieting, home decorating, and money. So basically, she covers everything about your life. It’s not like she’s trying to tell you how to live your life, she’s just trying to show you how your life is pathetic and you should live it the way she tells you to. I would argue with that logic, except for she’s insanely rich and well, I’m not. But I’m still suspicious of her, nevertheless.

Let’s not forget that it was Oprah who brought us Dr. Phil. You know Dr. Phil, he’s the guy who gets up on TV and yells at people because their lives are all screwed up. He started out as a regular on Oprah’s show, and now he has his own show. He has several best selling books and people all over the press are raving about how wonderful he is. And why do they do that? Mainly, it’s because he’s a friend of Oprah. That’s all it takes, if Oprah says you’re ok, then you’re in the money, literally.

Although, I didn’t realize it took a PhD in psychology to tell someone that they’re a messed up screwball. Heck, I do it all the time. I scream at people and tell them how screwy and dysfunctional they are and I don’t even have my own television show. I do the work of Dr. Phil for free. And you know why? I enjoy it. Seriously, making fun of people for their shortcomings is one of the few guilty free pleasures of life. And Dr. Phil does it for a living, and people love him for it. I guess that psychology degree teaches you how to trick an entire nation into thinking that you’re making the world a better place by preying on the insecurities of others.

Don’t worry though, I’m not bitter about the Dr. Phil thing. Nor am I bitter about Oprah. I just want to be here so I can offer a counter point to everything they say and do. Remember, just because Oprah or Dr. Phil gives you advice, it doesn’t mean that you should have to follow it. It’s only their theory of how you could live your life; those two don’t know everything. In fact, there is a lot that they don’t know. Just keep in mind that the reason they give guidance is because they’re on TV. They like to have good ratings, so I wouldn’t be surprised if their judgment got clouded because they were trying to give advice that would improve their ratings and their bankroll.

On the other hand, I’m not paid to listen to you or tell you what to do. Therefore, you’re always free to follow my advice. Of course, my advice usually involves getting really drunk and passing out in random places, but hey, that’s always worked for me. You really don’t have to take my advice either, and honestly the more I think about it, the more it seems like a good idea that you never take my advice. “Dump your girlfriend, get drunk, and find the cheapest hooker you can,” is not the best advice for every situation. In fact, that’s probably the worst advice in any situation. But, then again, that’s never stopped me before.

So what is the point of all of this? Well, I just want you, my dearest readers, to know that I am here to oppose Oprah in all her endeavors. Where she strives to keep you in sound mind and body and spirituality, I am here to dirty your mind, corrupt your spirit and keep your body thoroughly inebriated. And let’s be honest with ourselves here, what’s more fun: bringing your spirit in harmony with your mind and body through a bunch of new age hocus pocus, or giving into the carnal and very enjoyable pleasures in life? As it has been said before: Let’s eat, drink, and be merry! And I always like to put an emphasis on the drinking and being merry part.