No More Pencils, No More Books

As you all are aware, my arch nemesis, Oprah Winfrey, has her own book club. And I’m sure some of you have even read a few books on her warranted book club list. I won’t fault you for that, what’s in the past is in the past. I’m sure you feel like a spineless sea urchin for succumbing to day time talk shows, so I won’t say anything to make you feel any worse. I don’t think you’re a loser at all, nope, not one bit.

You being a loser aside, I’ve decided to do something about this whole book club thing. I mean, really, what’s the whole point of Oprah having a book club? Personally, I think it’s to turn all of America’s women into Oprah zombies. But that’s just a theory. Apparently, the books that Oprah recommends on her show are supposed to enlighten her viewers and open up their eyes to new ideas. These books are supposed to be inspirational and should quite literally change your life. Of course, I don’t agree with that.

Honestly, how is reading a book entitled, Chicken Soup for the Soul, going to change you life? If I have a bowl of chicken soup, will that make my problems go away? I know from experience that a bottle of whiskey can make your problems go away, although that’s only temporary. Seriously though, will any book you’ve gotten from Oprah’s book club change your life the way you need it changed? Will they help you get rid of your credit card debt, buy that dream car you always wanted, or teach you how to pick up that hot blonde on the other side of the bar? The answer, most obviously, is no.

So as a service to you, I have decided to compile a list of books that can actually change your life. These books are serious scriptures that deal with the cold hard facts of what you deal with every day. There’s no dressing anything up, no chicken soup metaphors, no “7 Habits for Highly Effective Illiterates,” or anything like that. Here’s my list:

1. A Random Walk Down Wall Street, by Burton Malkiel
2. Real Money: Sane Investing in an Insane World, by James Cramer
3. The Warren Buffet Way, by Robert Hagstrom
4. The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht
5. The Kama Sutra, by Vatsyayana

You’re probably wondering why I have three books dealing with investing. I mean, Oprah talks about several books that are geared toward lowering your personal debt and increasing your financial success. Well, the reason why Oprah’s books suck and the above listed books rule is that the people who wrote these books (aside from the first one) have made a lot of money using the practices outlined in the books. And by a lot, I mean millions of dollars. I don’t think the authors of books like Girl, Make Your Money Grow! ran their own wildly successful hedge funds and retired early. Who would you rather take advice from: retired millionaires or “financial experts” who have to work for a living? I know that if I had the choice, I’d rather not work for a living.

A Random Walk Down Wall Street, is the classic investing work by Princeton economics professor Burton Malkiel where he examines mutual fund managers and other investment professionals’ ability to make a decent return in the stock market. The long term statistics support his theory purported in the book, and hey, there’s much less thinking and worrying involved. Now that’s my kind of investing! Remember, thinking is always the enemy.

Real Money, Sane Investing in an Insane World, is the book that launched Jim Cramer from radio talk show to primetime TV. In the book, Cramer outlines the strategies he took on his path to becoming a multi-millionaire. Well, he won’t be throwing chairs around and sawing the heads off stuffed bears like he does on CNBC every night, but the book is still a treasure trove of investment advice. Buy it, read it, watch the show and try not to get hit by a chair.

The Warren Buffet Way, Investment Strategies of the World’s Greatest Investor is, well let’s face it, pretty much all books on investing are boring. And even the man himself, Warren Buffet, is pretty boring. But you need to believe the title of that book, because Buffet is the world’s greatest investor, hands down. In the early 1960’s Buffet started with $100 of his own money and little over $100,000 of his investors’ money. And today he is worth over $8 billion. Let me say this again: $100 + 40 years = $8 billion. That’s not too shabby. Warren Buffet is continuously one of the world’s top ten richest people, and unlike Bill Gates, he didn’t have to screw over ever PC user in the world to get there.

The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook is a masterpiece of nonfiction. It is mainly a book meant to amuse and entertain its readers, even though it appears to be an instructional survival guide. I have to admit that yes, it is entertaining. But I would advise you learn your lessons from the book as well. I’m sure none of you ever expect to have an alligator clamp down on your arm, but if it did somehow happen, wouldn’t you like to know how to get it off? (Hint: flick it on the snout.) This book can help you get out of so many hard to survive places that you should never leave your house without it. The authors consulted several experts in their fields to bring you the best survival advice possible. This book could quite literally save your life. Can you say that of any of Oprah’s books?

The Kama Sutra is a book every man must have, period. Vatsyayana lays out not only several varied sexual positions but also how to keep your marriage life active, how to commit adultery, and much more. It’s all part of the sensual side of humanity that we have been learning to discover since ancient times. And who doesn’t want better sex? Heck, get an illustrated version of the book, it will make reading it much more exciting, and maybe a little more instructive too.

So there it is, my book club. The main point here is: get rich. You’ll have fewer worries, more women coming after you, and more opportunities to try out what you learned in the Kama Sutra. So read, enjoy, and try not to get bitten by an alligator. I’m not sure if hitting it in the snout actually works, and I’d rather not have to find out first hand.

So Who’s the Arch-villain Here?

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must face the facts. It’s a time of reflection and understanding, a time to grow and mature. I have reached that time. This is a most profound and joyous day for me. It is the day I attain an arch nemesis.

Now, not everyone can get an arch nemesis. You have to either be a hero or villain steeped rich in fame or infamy. Feel free to categorize me in either of those two slots. I really don’t mind. I like to see myself as a hero to all mankind, espousing my grand knowledge and rational judgments to the benefit of all men who stand for what is good and pure. But then again, there are a few women out there who would disagree with my methods and manners. I really don’t know what women have against me, I mean, I’m a stand up guy. So what if I’d rather play a video game than take a girl out on a date? How often do you get to be a Guitar Hero on a date?

Of course, with all that in mind, I have finally landed on my arch nemesis, and her name is Oprah Winfrey. Yes, yes, I know, I sound just like the Man Show (I’m referring to the original Man Show with Adam Corolla and Jim Kimmel, not the later incarnation of which we shall never mention). But since the Man Show is no long airing new episodes, it has been left to me to take on the fight against the ostentatious machinations which is Oprah.

Now I have nothing against the woman personally, I think it is amazing how Oprah has been able to build up the fame and fortune that she has. And in that regard, I my hat goes off to her. But Oprah has built her empire on the emotions and intellect of women, and that is very dangerous. The power that one person holds over literally millions of women, goes beyond any totalitarian regime in the history of mankind. The ability to pierce this hold that influences probably every woman you know is beyond the ability of any man I have ever met. You don’t believe me? Ask any woman you know what she thinks of Oprah, and after about three minutes if you don’t want bury your head in the sand to end the misery, then you’re a stronger man than I.

But how does she do this? How can one woman hold so much power over every female in America, and many others around the world? So far, this is something that modern science has yet been capable of explaining. I have some of my own theories however. Oprah’s book club focus’s how women spend their time and what kind of reading they do. By controlling what women read she is able to control what kind of information they receive and what kind of thoughts they have. And as we all know, the regulation over knowledge and information is just as strong as any formal power could be.

Oprah also has her magazine, O, her daily television show, her “after the show” show, and her own store. She covers everything from relationships, mind and body, spirit and self, dieting, home decorating, and money. So basically, she covers everything about your life. It’s not like she’s trying to tell you how to live your life, she’s just trying to show you how your life is pathetic and you should live it the way she tells you to. I would argue with that logic, except for she’s insanely rich and well, I’m not. But I’m still suspicious of her, nevertheless.

Let’s not forget that it was Oprah who brought us Dr. Phil. You know Dr. Phil, he’s the guy who gets up on TV and yells at people because their lives are all screwed up. He started out as a regular on Oprah’s show, and now he has his own show. He has several best selling books and people all over the press are raving about how wonderful he is. And why do they do that? Mainly, it’s because he’s a friend of Oprah. That’s all it takes, if Oprah says you’re ok, then you’re in the money, literally.

Although, I didn’t realize it took a PhD in psychology to tell someone that they’re a messed up screwball. Heck, I do it all the time. I scream at people and tell them how screwy and dysfunctional they are and I don’t even have my own television show. I do the work of Dr. Phil for free. And you know why? I enjoy it. Seriously, making fun of people for their shortcomings is one of the few guilty free pleasures of life. And Dr. Phil does it for a living, and people love him for it. I guess that psychology degree teaches you how to trick an entire nation into thinking that you’re making the world a better place by preying on the insecurities of others.

Don’t worry though, I’m not bitter about the Dr. Phil thing. Nor am I bitter about Oprah. I just want to be here so I can offer a counter point to everything they say and do. Remember, just because Oprah or Dr. Phil gives you advice, it doesn’t mean that you should have to follow it. It’s only their theory of how you could live your life; those two don’t know everything. In fact, there is a lot that they don’t know. Just keep in mind that the reason they give guidance is because they’re on TV. They like to have good ratings, so I wouldn’t be surprised if their judgment got clouded because they were trying to give advice that would improve their ratings and their bankroll.

On the other hand, I’m not paid to listen to you or tell you what to do. Therefore, you’re always free to follow my advice. Of course, my advice usually involves getting really drunk and passing out in random places, but hey, that’s always worked for me. You really don’t have to take my advice either, and honestly the more I think about it, the more it seems like a good idea that you never take my advice. “Dump your girlfriend, get drunk, and find the cheapest hooker you can,” is not the best advice for every situation. In fact, that’s probably the worst advice in any situation. But, then again, that’s never stopped me before.

So what is the point of all of this? Well, I just want you, my dearest readers, to know that I am here to oppose Oprah in all her endeavors. Where she strives to keep you in sound mind and body and spirituality, I am here to dirty your mind, corrupt your spirit and keep your body thoroughly inebriated. And let’s be honest with ourselves here, what’s more fun: bringing your spirit in harmony with your mind and body through a bunch of new age hocus pocus, or giving into the carnal and very enjoyable pleasures in life? As it has been said before: Let’s eat, drink, and be merry! And I always like to put an emphasis on the drinking and being merry part.

Exercising for Dummies

So a friend of mine and his wife recently started a diet. Good for them! Unfortunately, they haven’t started a regular exercise program yet. And as we all know, diet and exercise go together. Of course, you can lose weight by dieting without exercising. It’s highly effective and a rather cheap way to lose weight. I believe its called anorexia. Hey, it can work just as well for guys as it does for girls. Give it a try today!

And what I mean is, don’t actually do that. Anorexia is bad. You need to eat. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like a two dimensional stick figure that is easily blown around on a windy day right in front of an 18 wheeler whose solid steel frame is much more dense than your pathetic sack of bones and skin. So unless this sounds like your idea of a fun day, make sure you keep eating, three meals a day preferably.

But since my friends haven’t put together a workable exercise routine yet, I decided to do it for them. So here I have a comprehensive list of exercises to work the various muscles in the body to receive a total workout. I think I should take this time to reiterate that I am NOT a doctor, nutritionist, physical therapist, junior high PE teacher, or someone who has actually read a book or two on the subject.

First up are aerobic exercises. Aerobic exercises work on increasing endurance levels of your muscles. The most basic of these is jogging, where you just run for an extended period of time. BORING! I spent some time here coming up with new ideas to make the aerobic workout more exciting.

1. Shopping mall picture scavenger hunt: While your wife/girlfriend/significant other is busy trying on clothes, pull out your digital camera, you’re going on a scavenger hunt. Look for these things: a video game demo, a new car being showcased, the information stand, any Craftsman power tool, a pay phone, a group of high schoolers who obviously have nothing better to do than hang out at the local mall, and a guy who is actually waiting patiently for his wife/girlfriend/significant other to finish trying on clothes. And remember, you have to get all these pictures before she finishes trying on her clothes and notices you missing. So that’s about a good 20 minutes.

2. The gauntlet: Run down a series of narrow European style roads, dodging and weaving around every corner to avoid the German sniper fire. This is either the most effective aerobic training ever, or I have been playing way too many video games lately. I’ll let you decide.

3. Interstate cycling: Get on your bike and ride on the interstate. But there is no wussy riding on the shoulder crap here. You’re riding in the lanes just like a regular car. If you can’t go 70 miles per hour using only pedal power, then you aren’t in shape. The various cars and trucks whizzing around you and riding your tail that could easily turn you into road kill should be incentive enough to push yourself.

Well those are just a few aerobic exercises you can try out. If you noticed, there’s not much new to them. It’s mainly just running and bicycling. The trick is in the motivation. If you’re about to get run over by a soccer mom in a gas guzzling SUV, then I think you’re going to be willing to push it just a little bit harder to spare your life. That’s the general idea at least.

Now its time for muscle building exercises. While the aerobic exercises burn away fat, anaerobic exercises build muscle. And that’s the general idea, less fat, more muscle. Once again, I have my list of unique exercises that will help you do this quicker and with less fuss.

1. Oprah pushups: Go out and buy the latest issue of O Magazine. I can almost guarantee you Oprah will be on the cover. Now lay that magazine in your living room with Oprah’s face staring up at you. Now get down to do some pushups, making sure your face is resting on the magazine when you are in the down position. This way, every time you come down from your pushup you are face to face with the one and only Oprah, giving you the incentive to shove yourself right back into the up position.

2. Break into your friend’s house/apartment and move all of his heavy furniture out onto his front lawn. Make sure you’re there when he comes home to see all of his stuff laying out for birds to crap on so you can have a good laugh. Then, after he beats the crap out of you mercilessly, offer to move it all back into his place for him.

3. Buy a set of weights and start lifting. Then realize after about two days that lifting weights really isn’t your “thing.” Now pull the Xbox out of the closet, which is a feat of strength in itself, and start playing some Halo. Hey, thumbs need exercise too.

Ok, so now we’ve covered the basic parts of exercise, endurance and strength. But before we go, there’s one more facet of exercising we need to cover, and that’s flexibility. You need to make sure to stretch both before and after every workout. This way you won’t pull anything.

You also need to try to improve on your flexibility. From what I hear, you can take yoga, which will help you bend in all sorts of weird ways. You can also do daily stretches on your own. But there are better ways to increase your flexibility. Personally, I think the Kama sutra is the way to go. It blends flexibility with fun! Also, as an added bonus, sex is a great way to burn off extra calories. Although, I doubt this will work well for you married guys out there, sorry.

Well, I hoped you learned a thing or two about keeping healthy today. I know I did. Well, no I didn’t. But the important thing is that you go out there and get some exercise! And while you do, I’ll be in here, playing WWII based video games. Let me tell you, my thumbs are going to be in awesome shape!