I’m Such a Wreck, I’m Such a Mess

I am I horrible, horrible person. But hopefully you already knew that. I’ve been a lazy good for nothing slouch for the past week, and I missed putting up something new last Wednesday. But hey, I have a really good reason for being lazy. I was pretty busy last week. Well, busy for a person who most likely resembles the three-toed sloth rather than a common homo-sapiens.

Last Tuesday I wound up at a friends place playing poker and having a few drinks. Now, if you’ve ever gambled before then you might already know that drinking and betting money is a really bad idea. Trust me, I’ve lost plenty of money that way. Luckily I’m the kind of guy who learns from his mistakes. This time around I only had one drink. And then I still lost all my money. In all honestly, I had a feeling it was all going to end badly. The very first hand I played I folded, but had I stayed in I would have had a full house (twos over threes). So yeah, it was pretty much all down hill after that. Suffice it to say that you won’t be seeing me on the World Series of Poker any time soon.

After playing poker, a few of us ended up heading out to Waffle House for some late night food. And I use the word “food” very loosely here. I’m pretty sure everything on the Waffle House’s menu is comprised mainly of lard fried in bacon grease. And it’s just the most scrumptious cuisine you would ever want to partake in. As far as I’m concerned, it beats the pants off of IHOP. Seriously, if you don’t live in the South, you’re missing out. I mean, White Castle is good and all, but do they stay open 24 hours a day? I think not.

Unfortunately, I was carpooling with one of the other guys, and after getting out of Waffle House in the wee early hours of Wednesday morning, we were actually much closer to his place than to mine. So, I ended up crashing at his place that night (for a grand total of four hours of sleep) and he drove me back home bright and early in the morning. So I left my apartment around 10:30pm Tuesday night and didn’t return until almost 9:30am Wednesday morning. As you may have noticed, I’m a bad, bad boy (and on a school night!).

Honestly, that would normally be ok. The only real thing I have to worry about on Wednesdays is getting to my hockey game at night. Playing hockey is truly the highlight of my week, and I look forward to it each and every time. But, well, this time I kind of screwed up. And by “kind of,” I mean I really and truly did screw up. I did mention that I’m a horrible person, didn’t I?

For some strange reason, I thought that our game was at 10:30pm that night, when in reality it was at 9pm. These are the only two times that we play, so I had an actualized 50% chance to get it right. And if you didn’t already figure things out from my poker playing ability (or lack thereof) my luck wasn’t all that great this past week. Fortunately, I did check the schedule at the last second (although why I never checked earlier in the day baffles me to no end), which put on the ice ten minutes into the first period, with my team already down two goals.

Needless to say, we ended up losing that game. I still say that if I was there from the start we would have won. I mean, I’m allowed to keep my delusions, right? I’m pretty sure there’s no way you can prove me wrong on this, so I’m going to go ahead and keep being delusional. I think I’ve earned it.

Now we’re on to Thursday. Thursday night was windy, pouring down rain, and generally not a nice night to be outside. And for some strange reason I thought it’d be a good idea to go out and run in that kind of weather. For the record, I am not a masochist. I’m merely an idiot.

Well, see, I have been trying to convince myself to get in better shape for over two months now. I had finally worked up the courage to go running, so I went out despite the weather. Hey, that kind of willpower doesn’t come to me very often, so I have to use it when I get it. I might be inclined to think my willpower needs better timing though. Luckily, I got through a whole three miles without too much of a problem. I guess playing hockey every week has helped out more than I thought.

But then I woke up the next morning. And for some reason, my legs no longer worked. The legs were sore and completely unresponsive. My every attempt to get out of bed was met with utter rebellion by the lower half of my body. Let me tell you, this was a huge problem. It was early in the morning, and I desperately needed to use the restroom. Interestingly enough, there’s a window right next to my bed. After several moments though (and trust me, I did think about it), I finally convinced the legs to get in gear and get moving. I fell down three times during the 13 foot trip to my bathroom. All in all, I would call that a success.

Friday was boring, I’ll admit it, so we can skip that. Saturday on the other hand, that was something else. A good friend of mine turned 21 this past Saturday. And, like the awesome pal that I am, I accompanied her to Thee Doll House, an upper class strip club in Raleigh. Yes, that’s right, my friend is a female. It is possible for me to hang out with women and not anger them. Well, it’s possible for me to sometimes hang out with women without pissing them off. And for the record, the birthday girl’s name is Whitney. And also for the record, going to Thee Doll House was her idea, not mine.

So, I’m having a drink, watching a fight on the big screen TV, and watching topless girls dancing while sitting next to a newly 21 year old female. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday night. I’d just like to say that I didn’t get a chance to buy Whitney a lap dance, her boyfriend bought her plenty of them. Heck, she even bought herself a few (she was really enjoying herself). I’d also like to say that I didn’t buy myself a lap dance. It’s not my prerogative to spend a bunch of money on a simple tease. Whitney, on the other hand, definitely bought me a lap dance. And yes, it was enjoyable. Very enjoyable.

At the end of the night I went home to be by myself. Number one, it was late. Number two, I’m not going home with a stripper. And number three, I needed a cold shower.

So, what have we learned here today? I’m a horrible, bad person, but I’m sure you already knew that. I’m also very lazy, but again, I’m convinced you could have figured that out on your own. I love playing hockey, a fact which is also widely known. And lastly, I have a female friend that drags me to a strip club on her birthday and then buys me a lap dance to make sure I’m having fun. Translation: my life rocks.