Women are Noise Pollution

You know, I’m not a religious man. I’ve never been baptized or gone out of my way to go to church or even took time to study the Bible. I know I’m probably the exception rather than the rule, but I’m ok with that. I’m pretty sure that if there was a God in Heaven, and He did love me, then the world would be a much different place. Namely, women would come with a volume control as a standard feature.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there isn’t a God up there, because, well, there very well might be. What I am saying, is that if He does indeed exist, then He most definitely does not have much love for me. If you know anything about me, then you know that women have always been, and will always be, the bane of my existence.

I enjoy the company of women just like any other man. What can I say? Women are fun creatures given the right circumstances. However, they are evil and vile mortals that want only to drink from men’s souls. They don’t mean to be, it’s just part of their being. It is some sort of inbred genetic code that science and modern technology have yet to crack. And I’m willing to bet that they never will. Such malevolence cannot be undone by mere science.

But I did not want to talk to you to day about the dark arts of the woman. No, today I merely wanted to discuss the reasons they are annoying. Yes, I believe we can all agree that those female creatures are annoying. Even women are aggravated by most of their kind. Foremost among the irritating mannerisms of the womenfolk, is the excessive abuse of the human languages. In other word, women like to talk.

Or to be more precise, for some strange reason, women really like to hear themselves talk. I don’t know what the compulsion is behind this, but it must stop. As I have said before, if there was a just and loving God, He would have put a volume control on every woman born. But since God has left mankind wanting in that regard, I have decided to step up and “fix” that particular feminine problem.

I have come up with an invention so daring, so utterly ingenious that it cannot hope to do anything but succeed. And by that I mean that it will most likely fail miserably. Let’s be honest with ourselves here, I don’t exactly have an endorsing track record here. Have no fear, however, as I still have faith in myself. I may not have faith in my contraption or my abilities, but I do have faith in myself, for what that’s worth.

I could draw you a sophisticated diagram showing off my work and how to replicate it, but I fear that would be a waste of time and paper. It would be much easier to put into words. A picture is worth a thousand words, yes, but it will take just a scant few to relay the ingenious device that I have devised. Please, read on.

Basically, all you have to do is to find an old volume dial from a decrepit television. I’d really much prefer the dial so you can easily and quickly turn to the desired noise level, rather than the much more recent volume +\- buttons that take longer to attune. Once you have found your dial take it, and weld it to the back of your woman. And, well, that’s pretty much it.

Once you have done that, you now have a volume control for your woman that you can use anytime. In reality you can weld it to any part of her body, but I suggest the middle of her back. That way, it does not deform any of the more redeeming physical qualities of the female. And let’s be honest, they can be quite attractive if they ever took the time and inclination to shut up. As far as I’m concerned, women should be seen and not heard.

Now I know there is one fatal flaw in my design. Just because you weld a volume dial to something doesn’t mean that the dial will turn and actually control the variation of noise. This is true. However, I assume that if you’re determined enough (or crazy enough) to forcibly connect a piece of metal into your beloved’s back, then you most likely capable of doing other, more insidious things to her. I know I don’t give women much credit for their smarts, but I do believe they are intelligent enough to know that a man who welds a volume control to her back, he is pretty damned serious when he tells her to be quiet, or else. I think women are smart enough to shut up at that point.

Then again, I’ve known girls who, for some reason or another, just can’t seem to shut themselves up. They continue to talk even when it’s in their best interest to stop. What can I do? I am but one man. I cannot “help” every woman out there. But then again, I’ve never been much help to women. My priorities lie with helping my fellow man. And this is what I have attempted to do here today.

So I beg of you, all of you women out there. Please try not to talk as much. Lower the volume, talk softer and less often. It is not just for me that I ask, but for you as well. Truth be told, women are much more beautiful when they keep their silence. Sure there are a handful of women in the world that actually become more attractive when they talk, but I can assure you that you are not one of them. You belong to the vast majority of women that, although attractive at first sight, instantly lose their physical appeal when that oral organ begins to move and sounds fly out.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Women should be seen and not heard. This is the universal truth that I live my life behind. Sure, there are other, more respectable causes to champion, but I like my ideals just fine. Hey, somebody has to do it. If not for me raising the banner and battle cry for men’s rights, who would?

I realize that women are not mere objects meant for men’s possession, but I’m allowed to fantasize of this dream, right? Guys need to know that sometimes it’s ok to be a man. Most of our lives we melt around the fairer sex and bend to their wills. But you know what, sometimes it’s perfectly all right to sit down, drink a cold frosty beer, watch some football, and tell your woman to shut up. Seriously, it’s ok. You can tell her I said so.