Meat, It’s What’s for Dinner

Well, I hope you all had a wonderful Steak and Blow-job Day last week. I know mine left a little something to be desired; namely, I didn’t eat a steak and I didn’t receive a blow-job. But you know what? That’s ok. If you know anything about Steak and Blow-job Day and my personal feelings towards the other holidays, then you’ll know why I didn’t get any of the good stuff.

But what is Steak and Blow-job Day? It is a holiday with very recent origins. It takes place every year on March 14th, exactly one month after Valentine’s Day. You see, on Valentine’s Day men get the privilege of treating the special lady in their life to a wonderful evening full of flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners, and many other thoughtful and wallet emptying devices. Some people think it’s unfair for women to have a special day like that while men don’t.

Thus, Steak and Blow-job Day was born. Its founder, Tom Birdsey, explains how the holiday works: “No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. That's it.” We all know how much women love to be fawned over in romantic fashion. The candlelight dinners, the thoughtful gifts, these are the things that make women feel special. Guys are slightly different creatures. The only things we need to feel special are a steak and a blow job. Preferably not at the same time.

I know most women reading this probably think the entire holiday is sexist. Let me put your fears to rest right now, it is 100% completely sexist. Hey, guys have to listen to your whining and complaining all year long and pretend to still love you for it. The very least you could do is to cook him up a nice juicy steak (Outback does curbside take out, if you haven’t mastered the cuisine arts as of yet) and give him one blow job. Trust me, it’s not going to kill you.

I think the problem with this holiday is that it’s not getting enough exposure. Nobody knows about it. I have yet to see a calendar with the venerable Steak and BJ Day clearly marked. This is a momentous problem. How are we supposed to spread the good word about this holiday if we can’t even get it printed in calendars? Well, I for one pledge to not stop for fare or quarter in my eternal efforts to get Steak and Blow-job Day on every calendar in this country!

I figure that it’s can’t be too hard. I mean, every calendar I have ever owned (read: every Anna Kournikova calendar ever made) has included Boxing Day in its winter holiday repertoire. And do you celebrate Boxing Day? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Now, I don’t really know a whole lot about Boxing Day, but I do know that it originated in Great Britain and is still celebrated in Canada today. What are those crazy Canadians celebrating and why is it the day after Christmas? I honestly have no idea.

As a general rule, I don’t like to question our neighbors to the North. I mean, they speak French up there. And that just scares me. Although I have to admit, the Canadians have always been trustworthy allies in times of need. Sure I may poke fun of them every now and then, but in all honesty, the Canucks are all right. I mean, they invented hockey, so they have to be ok. And I’ve always enjoyed their beer.

Back to the matter at hand, however: how to get a new holiday accepted by the masses. I’ve been running a few ideas through my head, and I think I’m on to something. The Cattleman’s Beef Promotion and Research Board might just be interested in a new holiday that revolves around steak. I mean, the US turkey industry would only be a fraction of the size it is today without Thanksgiving. Just think of how much more beef they could sell if only half of every couple in the America bought just one steak on Steak and BJ Day. Now that’s a lot of beef.

I think I can hear cattle produces across the country lining their pockets with our money already. And you know what, I’m ok with that. They provide a valuable service to the community. I mean, they make steak. And steak is good. There is no denying the absolute goodness of steak. So meaty, so juicy, and so yummy… I like steak. Steak, it’s what’s for dinner.

But steak is only half of the holiday. The other half is 100% free of charge. That is, as long as your female partner doesn’t mind giving out the oral components of sex. But, if your woman for some strange reason doesn’t like to go down on you, or refuses to give you a blow-job, then it is perfectly acceptable for her to hire a prostitute as a fill in for this holiday tradition. I’d just like to point out that unless you live in Las Vegas, prostitution is illegal.

I’m beginning to think that Sin City is going to become the US capital for Steak and Blow-job Day celebrations. And when you think about it, that’s not a bad idea. The city could put on a large parade. I could be kind of like St. Patrick’s Day, but with more steak… and more blow-jobs. Hey, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?

Interestingly, Steak and Blow-job Day occurs on the same date as White Day in Japan. See, in the Far East, Valentine’s Day is celebrated by women giving gifts of chocolate or other goodies to men. In fact, a guy could receive gifts from three or four different girls on this one special day. Now, before you all start packing your bags to move to the Land of the Rising Sun, let me explain White Day.

On White Day, one month after Valentine’s Day (March 14th), guys have to give gifts to each and every woman that gave them something in the prior month. Beyond that, the men are expected to spend at least three times as much on the ladies as they did on him. So as you can see, with possibly more than just one woman to spend money on, this could be a very expensive venture.

With that in mind, I think Steak and Blow-job Day fills a necessity in the US. The roles may be reversed in the Japanese holidays, but the theory is the same, and it is sound. I think this is a very important holiday that we all need to jump on as quickly as possible. And it’s not just for the benefit of the men out there. The American economy survives off consumerism. I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again. The fact that you spend all of your hard earned cash each and every holiday is what keeps our economy moving along.

Steak and Blow-job Day extends that holiday period for an entire month. That means more spending, more unabashed consumerism, and more growth for the economy. Remember, the beef industry needs your dollars just as much, if not more, than you do. So it’s time to get this holiday in full swing.

I expect that next year we will have a much larger following for the august Steak and Blow-job Day. I, for one, will not rest until all of America has accepted this holiday. I realize that this is an uphill battle, but for the sake of our economy (not to mention men everywhere) I must not fail. I’m sure that with a little help from the Beef Board and the city of Las Vegas, I will persevere. And please, do your part to make next March 14th the best Steak and Blow-job Day ever!