One of my favorite things to do during the summertime is to lay out at the pool, soak up some sun, and enjoy a few ice cold beers. It is just very relaxing. Then sun beats down and warms you up, the water is nice and cool, and the atmosphere is very quiet and serene. Of course, it’s all about the beer. Nothing is more relaxing like an ice cold beer on a warm summer day. Seriously, it rocks my world.
The reason I’m able to do all of this on a Wednesday afternoon is because I have the day off of work. And that is just a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, there’s a slight problem with that. I had a meeting today at work that I had to attend, even though it was my day off. Well, no one said I had to be sober at the meeting. You pretty much have to assume that if I have the day off, I’m going to be drinking alcohol of some sort during the day.
Drinking three beers, while absorbing the sun for an hour and a half, isn’t going to get me plastered, so it’s not a big deal. But then again, the sun beating down and dehydrating me might help lighten my head a bit. Let’s be honest, drinking heavily and getting lots of sun isn’t exactly the healthiest thing. Luckily I planned ahead and drank as much water as I could before going out. That helps. But being tipsy and light headed at a staff meeting, helps even more.
I want to start off by saying that I don’t have a problem with alcohol. So that being said, I needed that beer. It was my day off, and I was being forced to go into work for some silly meeting. I had to sit there for an hour and listen to the management types tell me all about things I already knew. But then again, in their defense, they did give me a hand out. Whoop-de-friggin-doo. As I said, I was luckily not entirely sober for the meeting. It made time pass much, much quicker.
The meeting was completely boring, nothing important to say, and nothing important to decide. This is why I had to come in on my day off. Then at the end of the meeting, they asked for our opinions. My personal opinion is that Spiderman is a much cooler superhero than Superman. I mean, Superman’s worthless against a tiny pebble. You could make a nose ring out of kryptonite and any Goth kid could wipe the floor with the so called “Man of Steel.”
Luckily I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut at the meeting. I’m relatively sure that my opinions of the many comic book superheroes were not what they were asking for. I guess I had sobered up somewhat by the end of the meeting. Still, I really wish I had brought my flask with me. I could have used a swig or two of bourbon in there somewhere. And remember, I do not have a problem with alcohol. I mean, I have no problems drinking it whatsoever. I like alcohol, and it likes me. Just so you know.
Seriously though, I’ve never been a big fan of Superman. He’s pretty much all powerful, except for his one weakness. And for some strange reason, it seems that all of his enemies know his weakness, and they usually are able to find some bits of kryptonite, even though it’s an extremely rare rock from the now dead planet Krypton. Sounds convenient.
I guess I shouldn’t be so quick to judge though. Superman debuted back in 1938. It was a simpler time back then, there weren’t as many other superheroes running about with all sorts of crazy powers. Superman is an archetype, he just showed up whenever the day needed saving. And back in the 1940’s and 1950’s that’s all you needed.
Over time though, Superman wasn’t enough by himself. In the 1960’s you had the creation of the Justice League. Here they teamed Superman up with Wonder Woman, the Green Lantern, Flash, Batman, Aquaman, and the Martian Manhunter. Ok, so having one guy who’s practically invincible isn’t good enough. Apparently, you need a whole team of superheroes to fight Lex Luthor. I don’t get it. Do all these guys really need to team up? Well, Aquaman definitely needs help. I mean, he’s as worthless as a fish out of water, literally.
I think Superman’s main problem is his code of conduct. He has way too many ethics. I mean, Lex Luthor is the most diabolical guy around, trying every two-bit scheme he can think of to get rid of Metropolis’s most famous superhero. Honestly, I think if Superman showed up once a week to kick Luthor in the balls (even if he hasn’t done anything that particular week) it would make his life a whole lot easier. I mean, you know he’s not innocent, so go ahead and give him a good swift taste of justice once a week… in the balls. That should solve many of his problems.
I could not be a superhero. The whole “not killing” thing just wouldn’t rest well with me. I mean, the bad guys kill all the time. They do horrible things. If you just left it up to the local law enforcement, then the SWAT team would come in, and kill off all the bad guys. So why can’t superheroes be like the SWAT team? I know, I know, the good guys aren’t supposed to do “evil” things. But I know after about the 18th time my arch nemesis took an entire city hostage in a plot to take over the world, I’d start to think, “You know, if I killed that guy, I just might be able to take that vacation to Hawaii next month,” (the only thing I can think of that’s better than drinking beer at the pool, is drinking beer at a pool in Hawaii).
Ok, so I would technically be a bad superhero. But I’d be pretty darned effective, if I do say so myself. Most bad guys wouldn’t want to mess with me if they knew their lives might be forfeit, or at the very least their family jewels might get shaken up. And if I was a superhero, I wouldn’t hang around in a city like Metropolis, or Gotham, or even New York, I’d be protecting the vital islands of Hawaii. Would you want a super villain to control Hawaii? I didn’t think so.
Even with all that said, I will be going out this weekend to see the new Superman Returns movie. I can’t help it, I’m a sucker for both Marvel and DC properties. But this time around, I will be hoping Lex Luthor can pull it out and finish off the Man of Steel. The way I see it, Luthor is the underdog and Superman is the overloaded bully trying to keep him down. And just once, I would like to see evil triumph. Is that too much to ask? I guess so. I’m sure this movie will end very predictably, with Superman saving the day. Well, maybe you’ll get him next time Luthor… maybe next time.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Hell's Broke Loose and the Devil Deals it Hard
I blame my current condition on my friend’s bunny rabbit. See, last week I was over at his place and at the time, I was perfectly healthy. His wife however, was not. They both believe she got sick from their pet bunny, who had to go to the vet the preceding week. So, when I ended up getting sick, I drew up a little diagram to see if I had the origins of this virus correct. I’ll share it with you here:
Bunny --> My Friend --> His Wife --> Me
Yep, as you can see, with this evidence, it is without a doubt, that damned bunny’s fault that I am currently sick. So what am I going to do now? Nothing, that’s what. I’m going to lie in my bed, play my Nintendo DS, and blow my nose about 600 times every minute, just waiting and praying for the sickness to pass.
You’re probably wondering why I’m not trying to enact my revenge on the bunny for so obviously infecting me with this virus. Hey, come on, he’s a bunny . That’s just… that’s just mean. Why would you want to hurt a poor defenseless rabbit? There is absolutely no reason for me to do so. Well, next time I see the critter, I’ll probably poke it in its side a few times, maybe even give it a drop kick or two. But really, that’s pretty standard fair. Going anything beyond that is just not cool.
There is some sort of bug going around. Lots of people are getting sick, which is odd for the summertime, usually this doesn’t happen until winter. I think I heard someone say it was the work of the devil. You know, evil spirits and all that. Well, I can tell you with authority that it certainly isn’t the work of the devil. I actually talked to him a few days ago.
I assure you, I had a perfectly good reason for wanting to talk to the devil. As you may or may not know, the Stanley Cup Finals went to a game seven, which was this past Monday night. Over the weekend, I was desperately trying to find a ticket, without paying a crap-ton of cash (1 crap-ton = 100 regular tons), seeing as how I live about 20 minutes away from Raleigh where game seven was to be played (Carolina Hurricanes vs. Edmonton Oilers).
So I did what any other self-respecting man would do in my situation. I called up Satan and offered to sell my soul for some tickets. But I wanted some damn good tickets. I wanted two seats, next to the ice on the blue line. I figured, my soul may be immortal, but how often is Carolina going to win a Stanley Cup? They used to be known as the Hartford Whalers, after all (don’t worry if you’ve never heard of them before, the vast majority of humanity hasn’t, and that’s pretty much the point).
So, Satan took a look at what I wanted, and then came back with a counter offer. He agreed to give me two tickets for my soul. Unfortunately, these tickets were for ice-dancing! And the seats weren’t what I asked for either. I think he had me watching from a seat that was on top of the jumbotron. I have no idea how he got a seat put on top of the jumbotron, but hey, he’s Satan, that’s kind of his thing.
Obviously, I refused that offer. My immortal and everlasting soul may not be worth much, but it has definitely got to be worth more than some lousy seats for watching ice dancing. And the whole point was to watch the Carolina Hurricanes win Lord Stanley’s Cup. So, we were back to square one. Satan, being the busy fallen angel that he is, had to leave. I think he had a previous engagement with some of those Hollywood types. But he did promise to keep in touch with me about a possible arrangement.
Of course, I didn’t take the Prince of Darkness at his word. I mean, when a girl tells me she’ll call, she never does, so why should Lucifer be any better? But, as it turns out, he kept true to his word. Well, technically he did. On Sunday afternoon I got an email from one satan01@7thlayerofhell.com. Obviously, I figured it was one of those spammers trying to sell me Viagra or something. I’m 23 years old, jeeze. Call me back in about 20-30 years then we’ll talk. But as it turned out, it was an email from my business partner to be, Satan.
I opened up the email and was actually quite surprised. I didn’t expect to get a fair deal out of the guy, but he really was getting low and dirty. The email wanted me to send him my full name, Social Security Number, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, at least 2 credit card numbers (with expiration dates), and a complete set of dental records and then he might be able to do something for me. Like I said, low and dirty. He can’t even promise I’ll get what I want, only to see that it later somehow has extremely adverse effects on me and everyone I love forcing me to later lament my fated decision.
In the olden days, Satan used to corrupt mankind, steal our souls, and wreak havoc and destruction. Now, he’s just into identity theft. I think the Dark Prince has gotten very lazy. But then again, I can’t help but think he’s newest scheme is much more evil than his previous endeavors. Evil has many faces and many forms, you have to be careful.
Needless to say, I didn’t fill out Lucifer’s little questionnaire. I mean, if he’s not going to give me some hockey tickets in exchange for my soul, then I’m taking my business elsewhere. Unfortunately, Satan is the only guy around who trades favors for people’s souls. And he’s not even doing a whole lot of that lately. It seems ever since that whole Enron thing, people have just been giving their souls away for free. The Dark Prince throws a couple of stock options in the air, and he gets another dozen or so souls. So I think you can see why he wasn’t too anxious to give up some valuable tickets.
So I was here, at my own apartment, watching the hockey game on my little TV screen, sitting next to two trash bags full of used Kleenex. Being sick sucks. Not being able to go to the hockey game sucks worse. But watching the Carolina Hurricanes bring home the Stanley Cup for the first time in franchise history was pretty cool. Maybe next time they win the cup I’ll be there, front and center watching it all. Hey, it only took them 27 years to get their first Cup, it can’t be that much longer for the second.
Bunny --> My Friend --> His Wife --> Me
Yep, as you can see, with this evidence, it is without a doubt, that damned bunny’s fault that I am currently sick. So what am I going to do now? Nothing, that’s what. I’m going to lie in my bed, play my Nintendo DS, and blow my nose about 600 times every minute, just waiting and praying for the sickness to pass.
You’re probably wondering why I’m not trying to enact my revenge on the bunny for so obviously infecting me with this virus. Hey, come on, he’s a bunny . That’s just… that’s just mean. Why would you want to hurt a poor defenseless rabbit? There is absolutely no reason for me to do so. Well, next time I see the critter, I’ll probably poke it in its side a few times, maybe even give it a drop kick or two. But really, that’s pretty standard fair. Going anything beyond that is just not cool.
There is some sort of bug going around. Lots of people are getting sick, which is odd for the summertime, usually this doesn’t happen until winter. I think I heard someone say it was the work of the devil. You know, evil spirits and all that. Well, I can tell you with authority that it certainly isn’t the work of the devil. I actually talked to him a few days ago.
I assure you, I had a perfectly good reason for wanting to talk to the devil. As you may or may not know, the Stanley Cup Finals went to a game seven, which was this past Monday night. Over the weekend, I was desperately trying to find a ticket, without paying a crap-ton of cash (1 crap-ton = 100 regular tons), seeing as how I live about 20 minutes away from Raleigh where game seven was to be played (Carolina Hurricanes vs. Edmonton Oilers).
So I did what any other self-respecting man would do in my situation. I called up Satan and offered to sell my soul for some tickets. But I wanted some damn good tickets. I wanted two seats, next to the ice on the blue line. I figured, my soul may be immortal, but how often is Carolina going to win a Stanley Cup? They used to be known as the Hartford Whalers, after all (don’t worry if you’ve never heard of them before, the vast majority of humanity hasn’t, and that’s pretty much the point).
So, Satan took a look at what I wanted, and then came back with a counter offer. He agreed to give me two tickets for my soul. Unfortunately, these tickets were for ice-dancing! And the seats weren’t what I asked for either. I think he had me watching from a seat that was on top of the jumbotron. I have no idea how he got a seat put on top of the jumbotron, but hey, he’s Satan, that’s kind of his thing.
Obviously, I refused that offer. My immortal and everlasting soul may not be worth much, but it has definitely got to be worth more than some lousy seats for watching ice dancing. And the whole point was to watch the Carolina Hurricanes win Lord Stanley’s Cup. So, we were back to square one. Satan, being the busy fallen angel that he is, had to leave. I think he had a previous engagement with some of those Hollywood types. But he did promise to keep in touch with me about a possible arrangement.
Of course, I didn’t take the Prince of Darkness at his word. I mean, when a girl tells me she’ll call, she never does, so why should Lucifer be any better? But, as it turns out, he kept true to his word. Well, technically he did. On Sunday afternoon I got an email from one satan01@7thlayerofhell.com. Obviously, I figured it was one of those spammers trying to sell me Viagra or something. I’m 23 years old, jeeze. Call me back in about 20-30 years then we’ll talk. But as it turned out, it was an email from my business partner to be, Satan.
I opened up the email and was actually quite surprised. I didn’t expect to get a fair deal out of the guy, but he really was getting low and dirty. The email wanted me to send him my full name, Social Security Number, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, at least 2 credit card numbers (with expiration dates), and a complete set of dental records and then he might be able to do something for me. Like I said, low and dirty. He can’t even promise I’ll get what I want, only to see that it later somehow has extremely adverse effects on me and everyone I love forcing me to later lament my fated decision.
In the olden days, Satan used to corrupt mankind, steal our souls, and wreak havoc and destruction. Now, he’s just into identity theft. I think the Dark Prince has gotten very lazy. But then again, I can’t help but think he’s newest scheme is much more evil than his previous endeavors. Evil has many faces and many forms, you have to be careful.
Needless to say, I didn’t fill out Lucifer’s little questionnaire. I mean, if he’s not going to give me some hockey tickets in exchange for my soul, then I’m taking my business elsewhere. Unfortunately, Satan is the only guy around who trades favors for people’s souls. And he’s not even doing a whole lot of that lately. It seems ever since that whole Enron thing, people have just been giving their souls away for free. The Dark Prince throws a couple of stock options in the air, and he gets another dozen or so souls. So I think you can see why he wasn’t too anxious to give up some valuable tickets.
So I was here, at my own apartment, watching the hockey game on my little TV screen, sitting next to two trash bags full of used Kleenex. Being sick sucks. Not being able to go to the hockey game sucks worse. But watching the Carolina Hurricanes bring home the Stanley Cup for the first time in franchise history was pretty cool. Maybe next time they win the cup I’ll be there, front and center watching it all. Hey, it only took them 27 years to get their first Cup, it can’t be that much longer for the second.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
On a Long and Lonesome Highway
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of driving. I have to drive around 20-30 minutes via the interstate to get to Raleigh to watch the Carolina Hurricanes play in the Stanley Cup finals. But I talked a lot about hockey last week, so I think I’ll stay away from that subject today. Today I want to talk to you about my car.
My car has yet to cease to impress me. The car is eleven years old and has needed very little in the way of maintenance. Let me give you a quick walk through of the history of my car: Built in 1995 in Detroit Michigan by the Ford Motor Company, the car was then shipped by a very large boat to Seoul, South Korea. There my parents drove the car for two years. After my dad’s tour in South Korea was done, the car was again shipped by very large boat back to the US, eventually coming to Fayetteville, North Carolina, which is about as close to a foreign country as South Korea is. The car remained there until 2002, when I brought it up to Chapel Hill with me. Since then, the car has driven to Florida twice, to the beach numerous times, and even up into the Appalachian Mountains twice.
The point of that entire story is to show how that car was built in the US, but shipped half way around the world, and then back again, and it is still in one piece. Well, mostly one piece. Maybe a few pieces. Hey, it passes the North Carolina state inspection every year, so that’s good enough for me. I mean, nobody said the rear windshield wiper had to work; most cars don’t even have those anyway.
I’m sure you’re wondering now what kind of car exactly is it that I drive. Well, to be thorough, it is a 1995 Ford Escort station wagon. Oh, and it’s green, specifically medium green . I’m sure blue or white would have been too inconspicuous. But at least it’s easy to find my car in a parking lot. I mean, if you can see around the enormously large SUVs that seem to shield my view of it all the time.
Seriously though, the station wagon is great. In college, I ended up dubbing it the “Man-wagon” due to the fact that we could squeeze a rather large number of men into it. We could have put girls in there, but have you ever tried picking up chicks in an 11 year old station wagon? Yeah, it’s not pretty. Actually, a friend of mine was able to hit on some girls while he was sitting in the back seat of the car at a city jail once in Myrtle Beach, but I ended up driving away from the girls prematurely. What can I say? That had “bad idea” written all over it. Although, the girls just getting out of the jail did seem rather nice…
What was I doing at a city jail at 2am, you ask. Well, that’s a story for a different time. Today, we’re talking about my car. In fact, I think the Escort is underrated by most car owners. It has several key features that people tend to overlook. First off is the gas mileage. I consistently get 30 miles to the gallon or even higher for longer road trips. And the way gas prices are going, I don’t think I could own one of those environment hating SUVs.
The second feature, which I can only assume comes standard on the car, is the car’s sensitivity on the highway. Every tiny bump, every little pebble, any abnormality on the road can be felt by the driver. This is a unique safety feature you don’t find on most cars. See the car’s support system is specifically designed to allow the driver to feel everything on the road surface so that he knows what he’s driving on. If the stretch of interstate I’m driving on is bumpy, I’ll be the first one of the road to notice. The people driving around in those luxury SUVs won’t be able to tell what they’re driving on, which gives me a distinct advantage over them.
Another great feature on the car is its ability to drain the old, used engine coolant out of the reservoir. Most cars just continue using old coolant to reduce the heat in the engine over and over and over again. My car jettison’s it from time to time to make sure my coolant stays fresh. Ok, so the car’s manual doesn’t say anything about using fresh coolant, and I’ve never heard anyone say that coolant goes bad after a while. But my car just takes the extra necessary steps to keep me safe. It even tells me after it shoots out the coolant by turning on the “Check Coolant” light next to the steering wheel. Now is that a great feature or what? You know what: do me a favor… don’t answer that question.
I have to say though I do like the station wagon. Of course, it does damage my otherwise extremely manly machismo, but the extended trunk space and hatch back are exceptionally utilitarian. I can pile a bunch of hockey gear in the back and fill the car up with people and get to where I’m going, no problem. Of course, the four cylinder engine won’t get me there in record speed (unless you’re talking about the record for lowest speed since I hold four of those currently), but it will get me there eventually.
The car is also great for moving. Last time I moved, I was able to throw several couches in the back (one at a time, of course) and transport them to my new place. Luckily I only had to travel one block. I don’t think the local police would appreciate me driving around with my trunk open and half a couch hanging out the back and dangling precariously over the edge. Let me tell you, balancing a sofa inside the trunk of a station wagon so it doesn’t fall out when you go over a speed bump is no small feat. Of course, for all that effort, I probably could have carried it for the entire block, but that would require me to carry a sofa for an entire block. So spending an extra half hour getting the thing shoved into the back of my car, well worth it.
Unfortunately, for all its great features and resiliency, my car does have some problems. Age is not always so kind to an automobile. But the problems are mostly minor, and it’s nothing that I can’t do without. Although, the button for the rear defrost is broken, so during the winter time, I have to manually hold it down with my thumb to keep the hot air pouring onto my back window so I can eventually see out of it. That can be a pain, but hey, I’m sure it’s just another safety feature making sure I don’t overheat the glass back there. Wow, a lot of high class engineering went into this car, as you can no doubt tell.
I guess I could get rid of my car and go out and buy one of those gas guzzling SUVs. Being a whore to foreign oil isn’t such a bad thing, is it? But I just can’t help but think I’m better off with my Escort, and no, I’m not talking about an escort you get from the phone book (if you don’t get that joke, look up the word “escort” in the yellow pages, trust me, they’ll be lots of entries there). Make fun of my “man-wagon” all you want, but just answer me one question: “Can you fit a sofa into the back of your smog emitting SUV?” Yeah, I didn’t think so.
My car has yet to cease to impress me. The car is eleven years old and has needed very little in the way of maintenance. Let me give you a quick walk through of the history of my car: Built in 1995 in Detroit Michigan by the Ford Motor Company, the car was then shipped by a very large boat to Seoul, South Korea. There my parents drove the car for two years. After my dad’s tour in South Korea was done, the car was again shipped by very large boat back to the US, eventually coming to Fayetteville, North Carolina, which is about as close to a foreign country as South Korea is. The car remained there until 2002, when I brought it up to Chapel Hill with me. Since then, the car has driven to Florida twice, to the beach numerous times, and even up into the Appalachian Mountains twice.
The point of that entire story is to show how that car was built in the US, but shipped half way around the world, and then back again, and it is still in one piece. Well, mostly one piece. Maybe a few pieces. Hey, it passes the North Carolina state inspection every year, so that’s good enough for me. I mean, nobody said the rear windshield wiper had to work; most cars don’t even have those anyway.
I’m sure you’re wondering now what kind of car exactly is it that I drive. Well, to be thorough, it is a 1995 Ford Escort station wagon. Oh, and it’s green, specifically medium green . I’m sure blue or white would have been too inconspicuous. But at least it’s easy to find my car in a parking lot. I mean, if you can see around the enormously large SUVs that seem to shield my view of it all the time.
Seriously though, the station wagon is great. In college, I ended up dubbing it the “Man-wagon” due to the fact that we could squeeze a rather large number of men into it. We could have put girls in there, but have you ever tried picking up chicks in an 11 year old station wagon? Yeah, it’s not pretty. Actually, a friend of mine was able to hit on some girls while he was sitting in the back seat of the car at a city jail once in Myrtle Beach, but I ended up driving away from the girls prematurely. What can I say? That had “bad idea” written all over it. Although, the girls just getting out of the jail did seem rather nice…
What was I doing at a city jail at 2am, you ask. Well, that’s a story for a different time. Today, we’re talking about my car. In fact, I think the Escort is underrated by most car owners. It has several key features that people tend to overlook. First off is the gas mileage. I consistently get 30 miles to the gallon or even higher for longer road trips. And the way gas prices are going, I don’t think I could own one of those environment hating SUVs.
The second feature, which I can only assume comes standard on the car, is the car’s sensitivity on the highway. Every tiny bump, every little pebble, any abnormality on the road can be felt by the driver. This is a unique safety feature you don’t find on most cars. See the car’s support system is specifically designed to allow the driver to feel everything on the road surface so that he knows what he’s driving on. If the stretch of interstate I’m driving on is bumpy, I’ll be the first one of the road to notice. The people driving around in those luxury SUVs won’t be able to tell what they’re driving on, which gives me a distinct advantage over them.
Another great feature on the car is its ability to drain the old, used engine coolant out of the reservoir. Most cars just continue using old coolant to reduce the heat in the engine over and over and over again. My car jettison’s it from time to time to make sure my coolant stays fresh. Ok, so the car’s manual doesn’t say anything about using fresh coolant, and I’ve never heard anyone say that coolant goes bad after a while. But my car just takes the extra necessary steps to keep me safe. It even tells me after it shoots out the coolant by turning on the “Check Coolant” light next to the steering wheel. Now is that a great feature or what? You know what: do me a favor… don’t answer that question.
I have to say though I do like the station wagon. Of course, it does damage my otherwise extremely manly machismo, but the extended trunk space and hatch back are exceptionally utilitarian. I can pile a bunch of hockey gear in the back and fill the car up with people and get to where I’m going, no problem. Of course, the four cylinder engine won’t get me there in record speed (unless you’re talking about the record for lowest speed since I hold four of those currently), but it will get me there eventually.
The car is also great for moving. Last time I moved, I was able to throw several couches in the back (one at a time, of course) and transport them to my new place. Luckily I only had to travel one block. I don’t think the local police would appreciate me driving around with my trunk open and half a couch hanging out the back and dangling precariously over the edge. Let me tell you, balancing a sofa inside the trunk of a station wagon so it doesn’t fall out when you go over a speed bump is no small feat. Of course, for all that effort, I probably could have carried it for the entire block, but that would require me to carry a sofa for an entire block. So spending an extra half hour getting the thing shoved into the back of my car, well worth it.
Unfortunately, for all its great features and resiliency, my car does have some problems. Age is not always so kind to an automobile. But the problems are mostly minor, and it’s nothing that I can’t do without. Although, the button for the rear defrost is broken, so during the winter time, I have to manually hold it down with my thumb to keep the hot air pouring onto my back window so I can eventually see out of it. That can be a pain, but hey, I’m sure it’s just another safety feature making sure I don’t overheat the glass back there. Wow, a lot of high class engineering went into this car, as you can no doubt tell.
I guess I could get rid of my car and go out and buy one of those gas guzzling SUVs. Being a whore to foreign oil isn’t such a bad thing, is it? But I just can’t help but think I’m better off with my Escort, and no, I’m not talking about an escort you get from the phone book (if you don’t get that joke, look up the word “escort” in the yellow pages, trust me, they’ll be lots of entries there). Make fun of my “man-wagon” all you want, but just answer me one question: “Can you fit a sofa into the back of your smog emitting SUV?” Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Lord Stanley Rocks My World
God I love hockey! This year, the Carolina Hurricanes are in the Stanley Cup Finals! I don’t know how I lived without hockey last year. The league taking a year off last year did not sit well with me. But now hockey is back, and it’s here to stay. Just so you know how much I love hockey, consider the fact that I would be willing to pass up sex with a supermodel just for a ticket to the Stanley Cup Finals. Wait a minute... did I really just say that?
For those of you who don’t follow hockey much, let me give you a brief synopsis of what happened and why there was a one year lockout in the NHL. First, the players were getting paid way too much, and that’s the players and the owners’ faults. If you look at the salaries in the NHL, it won’t seem that out of place. But you have to remember, hockey doesn’t pull in as much money as the big three (NBA, NFL, and MLB), so there’s less money to go around for these big time contracts.
To make it simple: players wanted more money, but the owners wanted to pay them less. They whined and complained like six year olds for a whole year about it. No one seemed to care that at the rate the players were getting paid, the owners wouldn’t be able to afford to fly them across country for a game. And that is not good. In fact, it’s rather bad. If Carolina cannot afford to fly to Edmonton to play, then I don’t have anything to watch on TV. And that, my friend, is a travesty. And that’s why we have a salary cap today in the NHL.
Now let’s figure out why, after a whole year of vehemently opposing a salary cap, the players union agreed to it. Well, it has to do with making money. See, professional athletes tend to buy expensive cars, live in really big houses, and typically spend a lot of money. This is because they have a lot of money to spend. Now suddenly, they don’t play for a year, and they don’t have any more money. The fancy cars are gone and it’s hard to pay the mortgage bill on the palatial estate. I mean, wouldn’t you be willing to take a small cut in pay if you were still making over a million dollars a year?
Now we have a lot of rule changes in the “new” NHL. Once again, I don’t want you non-hockey fans to get bogged down here, so I will simplify. The best change they made was eliminating the two line pass rule. Simply put, the rule stated: “You may not pass the puck up the ice to another player. You may pass it sideways, or backwards. But under no circumstances are you allowed to pass the puck forwards to another player on your team.” Ok, so maybe that isn’t a direct quote, but it’s close enough. The two line pass rule sucked.
The worst rule change, however, is the trapezoid rule. Basically, there’s this trapezoid shape behind the net that the goalie is allowed to play the puck in, but he is very limited on where he can play the puck outside that area. Now, there’s a very good reason to have this rule in there, the goalie is so protected in hockey that if you were to give him the middle finger in the middle of the game, the ref would throw you into the penalty box for two minutes. Luckily, it’s near impossible to “flip the bird” while wearing hockey gloves. Trust me, I’ve tried. Now, my problem with this new rule is that it’s a trapezoid. I mean, why would you want to put a trapezoid on any playing surface? It just doesn’t make sense. Even saying the word out loud makes me feel funny. I guess if they really wanted to put a trapezoid in cricket they could, because really, who cares about cricket?
The rule changes have had their desired effect this year. Scoring has gone up as the pace of the game has quickened. One interesting side effect in the faster skating NHL has been the checking. Think about it, the faster someone is skating, the harder they fall when they get hit. So now the open ice hits are getting more frequent, and getting much more devastating. And all I have to say about this is: Hell yeah! Watching someone getting forced into a back flip on skates and then falling to the ice in a crumpled lump of pain and sorrow is one of the most exciting things to watch, ever.
Although the league coming back this year has seen some positive results with the higher scores, more exciting hits, and Carolina making it to the finals, there have been some drawbacks. ESPN and network television has almost completely shunned the NHL. Even during the playoffs I think only one game (that I know of) was on network TV. The majority of games have been on the Outdoor Life Network (OLN) with some on Fox Sports Net as well.
Honestly, I don’t have a problem with OLN. I get the channel with my current cable package and their commentators are pretty decent, so I’m pretty happy. But the commercials that are on during the breaks are a little bit… (what’s the word I’m looking for?) …out of the ordinary for sports games. You have your usual mass merchandising commercials with annoying cell phone personas and whatnot on there. But then there are the ads for all terrain vehicles, tractor supplies, hunting gear, and who knows what else. Well, it is the network for outdoor life.
But it has got me thinking. I don’t actually own a hunting gun. I have absolutely no need for one since I don’t go hunting. But what if I’m really hungry and the grocery store is closed? Wouldn’t I need a hunting rifle to go bag some nearby game? Although I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more than squirrels and the occasional opossum in my neighborhood, but that’s enough meat for one meal. At least I could make a rodent soup, right? Well, I think there might be some deer nearby... See this is why you shouldn’t show me pictures of high powered weaponry while I’m drinking and very excited. It just will end up badly.
Well, besides the small chance of me discharging a high powered rifle in a heavy populated area, I think OLN is doing a pretty good job. The NHL is doing a good job too. If you aren’t big on watching professional hockey, now would be a good time to check it out. The game tonight (Wednesday) is on at 8pm eastern time. If it’s even half as exciting as the first game, it’ll be well worth the watch. And we’ll get to see if Edmonton’s back-up goalie can make up for his big time screwball mistake which completely lost the game for his team in game one. Wow, sucks to be him.
For those of you who don’t follow hockey much, let me give you a brief synopsis of what happened and why there was a one year lockout in the NHL. First, the players were getting paid way too much, and that’s the players and the owners’ faults. If you look at the salaries in the NHL, it won’t seem that out of place. But you have to remember, hockey doesn’t pull in as much money as the big three (NBA, NFL, and MLB), so there’s less money to go around for these big time contracts.
To make it simple: players wanted more money, but the owners wanted to pay them less. They whined and complained like six year olds for a whole year about it. No one seemed to care that at the rate the players were getting paid, the owners wouldn’t be able to afford to fly them across country for a game. And that is not good. In fact, it’s rather bad. If Carolina cannot afford to fly to Edmonton to play, then I don’t have anything to watch on TV. And that, my friend, is a travesty. And that’s why we have a salary cap today in the NHL.
Now let’s figure out why, after a whole year of vehemently opposing a salary cap, the players union agreed to it. Well, it has to do with making money. See, professional athletes tend to buy expensive cars, live in really big houses, and typically spend a lot of money. This is because they have a lot of money to spend. Now suddenly, they don’t play for a year, and they don’t have any more money. The fancy cars are gone and it’s hard to pay the mortgage bill on the palatial estate. I mean, wouldn’t you be willing to take a small cut in pay if you were still making over a million dollars a year?
Now we have a lot of rule changes in the “new” NHL. Once again, I don’t want you non-hockey fans to get bogged down here, so I will simplify. The best change they made was eliminating the two line pass rule. Simply put, the rule stated: “You may not pass the puck up the ice to another player. You may pass it sideways, or backwards. But under no circumstances are you allowed to pass the puck forwards to another player on your team.” Ok, so maybe that isn’t a direct quote, but it’s close enough. The two line pass rule sucked.
The worst rule change, however, is the trapezoid rule. Basically, there’s this trapezoid shape behind the net that the goalie is allowed to play the puck in, but he is very limited on where he can play the puck outside that area. Now, there’s a very good reason to have this rule in there, the goalie is so protected in hockey that if you were to give him the middle finger in the middle of the game, the ref would throw you into the penalty box for two minutes. Luckily, it’s near impossible to “flip the bird” while wearing hockey gloves. Trust me, I’ve tried. Now, my problem with this new rule is that it’s a trapezoid. I mean, why would you want to put a trapezoid on any playing surface? It just doesn’t make sense. Even saying the word out loud makes me feel funny. I guess if they really wanted to put a trapezoid in cricket they could, because really, who cares about cricket?
The rule changes have had their desired effect this year. Scoring has gone up as the pace of the game has quickened. One interesting side effect in the faster skating NHL has been the checking. Think about it, the faster someone is skating, the harder they fall when they get hit. So now the open ice hits are getting more frequent, and getting much more devastating. And all I have to say about this is: Hell yeah! Watching someone getting forced into a back flip on skates and then falling to the ice in a crumpled lump of pain and sorrow is one of the most exciting things to watch, ever.
Although the league coming back this year has seen some positive results with the higher scores, more exciting hits, and Carolina making it to the finals, there have been some drawbacks. ESPN and network television has almost completely shunned the NHL. Even during the playoffs I think only one game (that I know of) was on network TV. The majority of games have been on the Outdoor Life Network (OLN) with some on Fox Sports Net as well.
Honestly, I don’t have a problem with OLN. I get the channel with my current cable package and their commentators are pretty decent, so I’m pretty happy. But the commercials that are on during the breaks are a little bit… (what’s the word I’m looking for?) …out of the ordinary for sports games. You have your usual mass merchandising commercials with annoying cell phone personas and whatnot on there. But then there are the ads for all terrain vehicles, tractor supplies, hunting gear, and who knows what else. Well, it is the network for outdoor life.
But it has got me thinking. I don’t actually own a hunting gun. I have absolutely no need for one since I don’t go hunting. But what if I’m really hungry and the grocery store is closed? Wouldn’t I need a hunting rifle to go bag some nearby game? Although I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more than squirrels and the occasional opossum in my neighborhood, but that’s enough meat for one meal. At least I could make a rodent soup, right? Well, I think there might be some deer nearby... See this is why you shouldn’t show me pictures of high powered weaponry while I’m drinking and very excited. It just will end up badly.
Well, besides the small chance of me discharging a high powered rifle in a heavy populated area, I think OLN is doing a pretty good job. The NHL is doing a good job too. If you aren’t big on watching professional hockey, now would be a good time to check it out. The game tonight (Wednesday) is on at 8pm eastern time. If it’s even half as exciting as the first game, it’ll be well worth the watch. And we’ll get to see if Edmonton’s back-up goalie can make up for his big time screwball mistake which completely lost the game for his team in game one. Wow, sucks to be him.
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