You Have Entered the Forbidden Zone

It is now exactly two weeks and one day until we come out of the dreaded Forbidden Zone. I may have mentioned this before, although I’m not sure, but the Forbidden Zone is something that I made up entirely on my own. And don’t worry, it’s not some crazy part of a comic book universe that makes no sense in the overall scheme of things but makes up for it by sounding really cool. No, the Forbidden Zone isn’t even a place, real or imaginary. It’s really more of a state of mind.

Actually, it’s a time frame. The Forbidden Zone is a vastly important time of every calendar year that I observe each and every time around. It begins on November 14th and ends after February 14th. This three month span of the year is dubbed “The Forbidden Zone” because it is absolutely crucial that you avoid relationships during that time span. So basically, don’t let women get close to you, or better yet, don’t date any girls for that whole three month period.

Now bear with me, because I have some very good reasons for telling you this. The winter holidays are supposed to be a time of loving and caring, rejoicing and appreciating. But in reality, and I’m sure we’re all feeling the reality of it right now, those holidays are about making us spend money. Think about it. How much of your hard earned cash have you spent on your loved ones since mid-November? And how thin is your pocket book looking right now? I’m even willing to bet that you have plans to spend even more money (whether or not you can afford it) come February 14th.

Let me tell you that this particular part of the year is very important to our economy. I don’t want you to quit spending money altogether, just stop spending it on dates. During the winter holidays of Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and whatever else it is that you may celebrate, literally billions of dollars are sent roaming through the economy. And this is a good thing. We depend on this influx of money every year, and without it, our economy would flat-line and the integrity of our country as a whole would be in danger. Whole societies have crumbled beneath the under-indulgent weight of a lackluster winter holiday sales slump. Rome is a prime example.

Sure, the historians say it was a mix of splitting the empire, the increase in barbarian raids, and the unsure method of selecting a new emperor. But I know the truth. We all know the empire was in decline, but they were still rich and they had the largest army on the planet. All it took was one lousy Saturnalia (which is the ancient Roman holiday that takes place around the same time as Christmas). For some reason that we may never know, the great and wealthy Romans decided not to go out and spend massive amounts of money for their holiday. Alas, there were no decorated fig trees, no Saturnalia Games in the Coliseum, and no Roman orgies. Hey, get your head out of the gutter! The Roman orgy was a large party of Roman elites that ate and drank excessively, even to the point of forcing themselves to throw up so they could eat and drink more. It reminds me of college.

So you see, without the large amounts of coin being pass around, the Roman economy grinded to a halt and led to its eventual destruction starting when Rome itself was sacked by the Visigoths in 410 AD. Moral of the story: if you don’t spend lots of money during the holidays, Rome gets sacked by barbarians. Ok, that’s more of a history lesson than even I need.

So why have I designed this Forbidden Zone? We all now know that emptying our wallets during the cold months keeps our country from falling apart. So why would I warn you about this particular time? Well, it’s all due to the one element which is recognized by all scientists to drain your money faster than anything else. It’s woman. The Forbidden Zone is a period in time where you should avoid dating women. If not, you will end up spending more money in this three month period, than you will for the rest of the women you meet for the other nine months combined.

Now don’t get me wrong. If you already have a long term relationship going into November 14th, then by all means, keep it going. You shouldn’t dump a girl just because you’re about to hit the Forbidden Zone. Hey, you got yourself into that mess, don’t expect me to get you out. And if you’re married… well then you have my condolences. You’re beyond even my help.

Honestly, I just want you to do one favor for me. This Valentine’s Day, when you’re planning on taking out a person of the female persuasion, just ask yourself: “Is she worth it?” Take a long look at how much money you’re squandering on this particular female and decide if you’re really going to be happy with the way you’ve spent your hard earned cash.

I mean, if your date is planning on bringing over some girl she kind of knows from her gym later that night to join you, well then by all means spend as much money as you can afford. But if your date is going to give you a hug and tell you how good of a friend you are before leaving you alone for the rest of the evening, well, was it really worth spending $200? Because if your answer is yes, I can just come over there, set your two hundred dollar bills on fire and kick you in the balls repeatedly while you watch your money turn to ash in front of your eyes. That will take all of five minutes, and you can have the rest of the evening to play Halo 2 (or whatever multiplayer game it is your kids are playing these days).

I just want to make on thing straight. I don’t hate Valentine’s Day. The fact is, I’ve never had a date on the holiday before, and that doesn’t bother me one bit. Personally I feel that if there is a girl that I care about enough to take out and spend that much money on, then I’ll do it. But if there isn’t a girl in my life who just is that special, then there’s really no point. I have better things to do with my time and money than waste them on someone I don’t really care that much about. What really gets me angry is all of the guys I talk to feel they need to have a date for Valentine’s Day. It’s like their life is worthless without one. But that’s just not true.

There’s nothing special about February 14th. In reality, it’s just another day out of the year. If you don’t have a date lined up, then please don’t even bother worrying about it. You’ll be saving yourself plenty of money and tons of headaches. Trust me on that one. And if anyone asks you about it or makes fun of you, just tell them that you’re stuck in the Forbidden Zone. Once February 14th passes, you’ll be free to date again. Free to hang out with annoying women who only care about your money and not about who you really are as a person. Ah, the wonderful world of dating, how I’ve missed you these past three months!