I had planned on getting some work done yesterday, I really did. Unfortunately, the fates had conspired against me. And by fate, I mean EB Games. While I was running some errands earlier in the afternoon, I passed by the local EB Games store and they had a rather large banner posted. The banner proclaimed that if I bought two used games, I could get a third used game free of charge. Now that’s not a bad deal.
The problem with that is, I really do not need to be buying more video games, used or otherwise. I already owe EB Games more money than I care to with the games I’ve preordered. I currently have preordered the new Nintendo Wii (pronounced “wee,” as in “I need to take a weewee”), two games for the Wii, and Guitar Hero 2 for the Playstation 2. And hopefully you all know how much I love the original Guitar Hero. If Guitar Hero was a woman, I’d make love to it in many varied and exotic positions. And now that you have that wonderfully hideous image in your mind, let’s move on.
I actually didn’t buy any used games while I meandered around the Games store. There wasn’t anything that really popped out at me. There are a few Nintendo DS games I would like to have, but there weren’t used copies of them available. So, I ended up leaving. But then I got home, and after doing one load of laundry, I got bored. I was trying to find a reason to not go back to EB Games and buy something. But apparently I’m no good at that, I’m a bit of a whore for video games, after all. So I went back. And yes, the guy behind the counter did make fun of me for being a loser who can’t stay away from a video game store. I think I need professional help.
I went back for the sole purpose of picking up a copy of Command and Conquer: The First Decade. Command and Conquer is a series of video games where you build up a modern army of tanks and soldiers and go wipe out your enemies. Included in the set are all six games from the Command and Conquer universe along with all the expansion sets to those games as well. Not a bad deal for $30. And of course, I immediately loaded the software on my computer when I got home. I get a strange sense of power and satisfaction when I open up the game menu and see so many different options to choose from. There’s just so many different ways to blow my enemies up. Computerized, simulated war is fun.
It was seven o’clock and I still had plenty of time to get some more work done. I figured I could play just a few games then get to business. Of course, when I have 12 different realities to explore it may end up being more than “just a few games.” That’s ok though, I don’t have a problem doing work at ten at night. I’m a bit of a night owl like that. So I fired up the computer and started playing. Then at four in the morning I finally decided that my rear end needed a break from my rather uncomfortable chair. I also needed to use the bathroom; I had been holding it in for the last three missions.
I think it’s safe to say that video games keep me from getting anything useful done. Of course, that all depends on how you define the word “useful.” If keeping the Soviets from launching a nuclear missile on the western world is “useful” then I’ve been doing pretty damned well. Actually, I like the realism in the game. Using France in an open ended battle is pretty much useless, just like in real life. France’s special weapon, that sets it apart from the other Allies, is a giant defensive cannon that does about as much damage to your own base as it does to the enemies you’re trying to repel. We all know that defense isn’t exactly the French’s specialty. I mean, the Maginot Line just worked out wonderfully for them, didn’t it?
Ok, so making fun of France is a trendy thing to do these days. You don’t need me to go over old stale material. I’d just like to point out that video games keep me from doing any real work. Alcohol, on the other hand, doesn’t keep me from accomplishing anything. In fact, I’m usually the most productive the day after a long night of drinking and mischief. See, the thing is, after drinking a lot, I tend to get dehydrated, so I wake up real early in the morning needing to use the bathroom and get about three cups of water.
But how can this make me productive, you ask. Well, normally I abhor waking up anytime before noon. It just doesn’t seem right to me. And I know doctors say that you usually need six to eight hours of sleep each night in order to get a full rest, but I completely disagree with that. I find that getting eight to ten hours of rest each night keeps me nice and rested. I know that it sounds like I’m a lazy sloth, but in all honesty, I’m much more awake and alert and capable after ten hours of sleep. I don’t need coffee or any other forms of caffeine to keep me going throughout the day like most people. Sleep is good. That is the truth I have come to know and love.
Going beyond my normal sleeping patterns, let’s delve into the reason why I can be more productive with alcohol. Most people usually like to sleep in with hangovers. However, since sleeping in is the norm for me already, a hangover will cause me to wake up early and face the day ahead. Waking up at eight or nine in the morning gives me much more time to do things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I woke up at one or two in the afternoon. Things like taking out the trash, paying the electric bill, and recycling all those empty bottles of beer laying around my apartment (Did I really drink that much last night?). It always gives me a nice sense of satisfaction when I get to be that productive and burn through all the chores on my list. Does this reaffirmation of my self-worth mean that I will be forcing myself to wake up earlier every day to get more done and feel even more confident and industrious? Nope, not even in the slightest. You might want to go read the paragraph above this one more time. But I’ll go right ahead and repeat it here for your benefit: Sleep is good.
I really need to finish this up. I need to do a few more loads of laundry today, especially if I’m going to get my jersey washed in time for my hockey game tonight. You’d think that I would have taken care of all of the laundry already, what with having an entire week between hockey games. But no, I’m just lazy like that. I think the problem lies in the fact that I don’t drink as much as I used to. Now that I don’t have alcohol induced early morning bathroom breaks, I’m not as productive as I used to be. And you know if I’m not forced to get out of my bed before noon, it just won’t happen. I don’t need alcohol, I just need it if I’m going to do something that’s in any way, shape, or form considered work. Say what you want about drinking and the sins of intoxication, but booze really helps me do the things that I need to get done. It’s just a magical potion like that. A magical fairy elixir that makes me feel all warm and wonderful inside.
Now if you’ll excuse me, that beer in my fridge isn’t going to pour itself. Wait, no… I mean laundry. I meant that my laundry isn’t going to do itself. I’ll get right on that. Besides, there’s plenty of time to pour a beer while I’m waiting for the load of dirty clothes to get washed. Not only does beer make my friends more interesting than normal, it makes doing household chores more interesting too!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Street Fighter 2: College Football Edition
So Monday night I’m clicking around ESPN.com looking up all the latest sports news, including the Bears extremely narrow win over the Cardinals, and I come across something that is somewhat less than pleasant. I was on ESPN’s college football’s homepage, and of course, the major story was still the University of Miami and Florida International University brawl. That was old news by Monday. What really got to me was the “ESPN Headlines” on the right hand side of the page. Here are the Headlines that I found most intriguing:
• Two players at I-AA Albany, NY charged with rape
• Sooners top tackler arrested on two charges
• No. Colorado fullback arrested, faces assault charges
• Syracuse QB apologizes for obscene gesture
• Thomas fired for comments during UM/FIU brawl
Four of those headlines are completely unrelated to the UM/FIU brawl, and three of them illustrate how college football players continue to commit crimes everyday. Have we become desensitized to the violence and indiscretions? Is it perfectly acceptable for college athletes to engage in unsportsmanlike behavior, commit felonies and abuse others both on and off the field? If I ask any coaches or program directors in the league, I’ll likely hear them answer in the negative. But actions speak louder than words.
I’m sure you all know what happened this past Saturday between Miami and Florida International. If not, there are plenty of places online where you can download the video of it. Feel free to go look, I’ve got plenty of time. Larry Coker still has a job in Miami. The University of Miami’s president, Donna Shalala and the executive committee of its board of trustees decided that firing Coker would be a bad idea. Well, it’s not like the brawl with FIU was the coach’s fault. Just like the fight with LSU at the Peach Bowl less than a year ago wasn’t his fault. Nor is it his fault that he recruits known criminals to play for UM (think Willie Williams who had 11 arrests before attending Miami). Do you notice a pattern developing here?
Oh, and you have to love the ACC. The Atlantic Coast Conference initially gave a one game suspension to everyone involved in Saturday’s melee. This sort of punishment will show those kids that violence is a bad thing, and they should never do that again. Actually, a one game suspension was more of a wag of the finger than an actually punishment. The message sent is more like, “Please don’t do that anymore, fighting is bad. So please, no more fighting… Pretty please no more fighting?” Aren’t you glad the University of Miami was recently moved into the ACC? I was just thinking that there wasn’t enough violence in football before Miami joined the conference.
Luckily, ACC commissioner John Swofford came back Monday night and dished out indefinite suspensions to the players who were most involved in the conflict. Good for him. Will that keep fights like the one on Saturday from happening again? The short answer: no. Violence on and off the field will continue to increase in football unless drastic measures are taken. Case in point: A month ago, the backup punter at Northern Colorado stabbed his teammate who was the starter. Why? No really, WHY? The guy was competing to be the top punter on the team. Punters aren’t even real football players, no one cares about them, why would you stab someone for a starting position as a kicker?
Why do things like this keep happening in college football? Sportsmanship and character have always been very important in the league. They’re so important that they rank eight and nine in relative importance. Winning, of course, is the most important, and everything else takes a back seat. People have been demanding for quite a while that Miami Coach Larry Coker needs to be fired. Just check out Cokermustgo.com. Of course, they’re not quite as mad at Coker’s questionable grip on his program; they’re upset that UM has lost two games already this season. For some reason, losing two games in one season is unforgivable in Miami. In stark contrast, take a look at Firebunting.com. The Carolina alumni are upset because Coach John Bunting boasts a 25-41 overall record at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Now even though that record is truly abysmal, at least Bunting punters aren’t stabbing each other.
Larry Coker still has a job because he’s still winning games. Granted, not as many as he used to, but a 4-2 record is a winning record and Miami will likely make another bowl appearance in late December. John Bunting still has a job only because UNC Athletic Director Dick Baddour supports him entirely. Without Baddour’s support, Bunting is likely gone quicker than Brittney Spears after marrying a back-up dancer. Let’s just take a minute to figure out why colleges tend to overlook these on field incidents when their coaches are winning.
The answer: it’s all about money. Yes, colleges and universities are money grubbing whores just like the rest of us. And college football is a huge cash generator. Television networks pay inordinate amounts of money to conferences and collegiate institutions for the right to show their teams on TV. And the best part is, since college athletes are by definition amateurs, the schools don’t have to pay their players any money, unlike the professional leagues. So in essence, colleges have the ability to generate higher profit margins on their sports than do NFL or NBA franchises. Now isn’t that ironic?
As long as coaches continue to win and generate more income for the schools, college presidents and athletic directors will continue to downplay the importance of sportsmanship and player conduct. It will continue to be permissible for universities to recruit known felons as long as they’re really good at playing ball. The needless violence will continue unless something changes. I, personally, think the NCAA needs to step up and take a more active role. And they’re beginning to do just that.
Unfortunately, I don’t think the NCAA is doing enough. The governing body for the vast majority of collegiate sports needs to show colleges and universities that there are consequences for these unacceptable behaviors. And the consequences need to be more severe than a wag of the finger. The league should hit the schools where it hurts the most, the pocket book. If the NCAA imposed heavy fines on schools with repeated offenses, such as Miami, the universities would see a tangible downside to poor character and sportsmanship in their athletics. They would be much quicker and much more adamant about keeping a clean house. As I said before, actions speak louder than words.
But I doubt that will happen any time soon. Things will continue the way they are because the consequences haven’t become dire enough to keep the kids on these teams from their perpetrations. You know that one game suspension most players on Miami received? Well, they’re going to miss their next game against Duke. Oh yeah, that’s harsh, suspend everyone for the one game they won’t be needed anyway (no offense to Duke, but your football team would have trouble beating a junior high girls team). The Atlantic Coast Conference, a tradition of excellence, then, now and always… one on-field brawl at a time.
• Two players at I-AA Albany, NY charged with rape
• Sooners top tackler arrested on two charges
• No. Colorado fullback arrested, faces assault charges
• Syracuse QB apologizes for obscene gesture
• Thomas fired for comments during UM/FIU brawl
Four of those headlines are completely unrelated to the UM/FIU brawl, and three of them illustrate how college football players continue to commit crimes everyday. Have we become desensitized to the violence and indiscretions? Is it perfectly acceptable for college athletes to engage in unsportsmanlike behavior, commit felonies and abuse others both on and off the field? If I ask any coaches or program directors in the league, I’ll likely hear them answer in the negative. But actions speak louder than words.
I’m sure you all know what happened this past Saturday between Miami and Florida International. If not, there are plenty of places online where you can download the video of it. Feel free to go look, I’ve got plenty of time. Larry Coker still has a job in Miami. The University of Miami’s president, Donna Shalala and the executive committee of its board of trustees decided that firing Coker would be a bad idea. Well, it’s not like the brawl with FIU was the coach’s fault. Just like the fight with LSU at the Peach Bowl less than a year ago wasn’t his fault. Nor is it his fault that he recruits known criminals to play for UM (think Willie Williams who had 11 arrests before attending Miami). Do you notice a pattern developing here?
Oh, and you have to love the ACC. The Atlantic Coast Conference initially gave a one game suspension to everyone involved in Saturday’s melee. This sort of punishment will show those kids that violence is a bad thing, and they should never do that again. Actually, a one game suspension was more of a wag of the finger than an actually punishment. The message sent is more like, “Please don’t do that anymore, fighting is bad. So please, no more fighting… Pretty please no more fighting?” Aren’t you glad the University of Miami was recently moved into the ACC? I was just thinking that there wasn’t enough violence in football before Miami joined the conference.
Luckily, ACC commissioner John Swofford came back Monday night and dished out indefinite suspensions to the players who were most involved in the conflict. Good for him. Will that keep fights like the one on Saturday from happening again? The short answer: no. Violence on and off the field will continue to increase in football unless drastic measures are taken. Case in point: A month ago, the backup punter at Northern Colorado stabbed his teammate who was the starter. Why? No really, WHY? The guy was competing to be the top punter on the team. Punters aren’t even real football players, no one cares about them, why would you stab someone for a starting position as a kicker?
Why do things like this keep happening in college football? Sportsmanship and character have always been very important in the league. They’re so important that they rank eight and nine in relative importance. Winning, of course, is the most important, and everything else takes a back seat. People have been demanding for quite a while that Miami Coach Larry Coker needs to be fired. Just check out Cokermustgo.com. Of course, they’re not quite as mad at Coker’s questionable grip on his program; they’re upset that UM has lost two games already this season. For some reason, losing two games in one season is unforgivable in Miami. In stark contrast, take a look at Firebunting.com. The Carolina alumni are upset because Coach John Bunting boasts a 25-41 overall record at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Now even though that record is truly abysmal, at least Bunting punters aren’t stabbing each other.
Larry Coker still has a job because he’s still winning games. Granted, not as many as he used to, but a 4-2 record is a winning record and Miami will likely make another bowl appearance in late December. John Bunting still has a job only because UNC Athletic Director Dick Baddour supports him entirely. Without Baddour’s support, Bunting is likely gone quicker than Brittney Spears after marrying a back-up dancer. Let’s just take a minute to figure out why colleges tend to overlook these on field incidents when their coaches are winning.
The answer: it’s all about money. Yes, colleges and universities are money grubbing whores just like the rest of us. And college football is a huge cash generator. Television networks pay inordinate amounts of money to conferences and collegiate institutions for the right to show their teams on TV. And the best part is, since college athletes are by definition amateurs, the schools don’t have to pay their players any money, unlike the professional leagues. So in essence, colleges have the ability to generate higher profit margins on their sports than do NFL or NBA franchises. Now isn’t that ironic?
As long as coaches continue to win and generate more income for the schools, college presidents and athletic directors will continue to downplay the importance of sportsmanship and player conduct. It will continue to be permissible for universities to recruit known felons as long as they’re really good at playing ball. The needless violence will continue unless something changes. I, personally, think the NCAA needs to step up and take a more active role. And they’re beginning to do just that.
Unfortunately, I don’t think the NCAA is doing enough. The governing body for the vast majority of collegiate sports needs to show colleges and universities that there are consequences for these unacceptable behaviors. And the consequences need to be more severe than a wag of the finger. The league should hit the schools where it hurts the most, the pocket book. If the NCAA imposed heavy fines on schools with repeated offenses, such as Miami, the universities would see a tangible downside to poor character and sportsmanship in their athletics. They would be much quicker and much more adamant about keeping a clean house. As I said before, actions speak louder than words.
But I doubt that will happen any time soon. Things will continue the way they are because the consequences haven’t become dire enough to keep the kids on these teams from their perpetrations. You know that one game suspension most players on Miami received? Well, they’re going to miss their next game against Duke. Oh yeah, that’s harsh, suspend everyone for the one game they won’t be needed anyway (no offense to Duke, but your football team would have trouble beating a junior high girls team). The Atlantic Coast Conference, a tradition of excellence, then, now and always… one on-field brawl at a time.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Lions and Vikings and Bears, Oh My!
I’m going to go ahead and apologize to Matt Leinart in advance for the beating he’s going to get on Monday night. I honestly do feel sorry for the poor guy. He played a good game last week, but ultimately lost. He’s probably hoping to pull off a nice win in his second start to give himself and the team some momentum. Unfortunately, he’s facing the Chicago Bears (pronounced: DA Bears). Yeah, it’s going to suck to be Matt Leinart on Monday night.
And why is this? Well, the Bears are arguably the best team in the NFL right now. They are 5-0 and the only other undefeated team is the Indianapolis Colts who scored a grand total of 135 points in five games. The Bears, on the other hand, have scored a total of 156 points this season. I know that’s not a huge difference, but when the hell does Chicago outscore Indianapolis’s offensive machine (named Peyton Manning)? No seriously, when did Chicago get an offense?
When I was growing up, Chicago was normally a decent team. The Bears are known for their physically tough and gritty defense, but they’ve never been big on scoring points. But now they’re playing the best football in the league on both sides of the field. It’s simply amazing. And what’s up with that Rex Grossman guy? I know he was pretty decent back in Gainesville, but how does he average over 200 yards a game (with the fourth best passer rating in the league) with Chicago? No really, how is that possible? Back in 2001, I think that Chicago only completed five passes all season long. And those were all against Detroit.
Why am I so giddy over Chicago’s sudden eliteness in the NFL? Well, I’ve been a Chicago fan all my life, but unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to cheer for them. For a long while, they haven’t been very good, and it’s not always kosher to wear the jersey of a team that only won three games in an entire season. But now, now the Bears the best team in the league. They utterly demolished last years NFC champs, the Seattle Seahawks two weeks ago. Right now, the Bears are 5-0, which is a feat that hasn’t been accomplished in Chicago since 1986. So I hope you’ll excuse my sudden enthusiasm since I was only three years old the last time the Bears started a season off this well.
Chicago’s normally staunch defense has gotten so dominantly potent that a recent accord has been added to the Geneva Convention that clearly states that it is “Cruel and Unusual to exercise the Bear’s Defense in an Act of War.” I don’t blame then. I mean, I’m pretty sure I saw Brian Urlacher rip a man’s torso in half using nothing than his right shoulder blade in the middle of a game. He’s just that good. The defense has only allowed 36 points this season (that’s 7.2 points per game for you math whizzes out there). Seven points a game is equivalent to building a ten foot tall brick wall on your own 20 yard line to keep the other team out. Although something tells me this Chicago defense is far more effective than any mere wall.
Unfortunately, I live in North Carolina where I can only see mostly east coast games. There’s only been one televised Chicago game in my region so far this year. Now don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy watching the Carolina Panthers. Well, except when they try to lateral the ball on a punt return and no one is there resulting in a turnover to Minnesota. That was just stupid. But other than that, I like the Panthers. The thing is, I don’t really have a hometown. I was born in Peoria, Illinois, but I’ve never lived anywhere for more than four years. Growing up in a military family will do that to you.
But since I was born in Illinois, I’ve always favored the Chicago teams. In fact, my 13 year old Chicago Blackhawks jersey is still one of my most cherished possessions. This is true even though the Blackhawks haven’t been worth watching for almost all of those 13 years. It will be a while before the Blackhawks get their skates back under them, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is that the Bears are kicking some NFL booty, and no one is going to stop them.
If you don’t believe me, tune in Monday night. I’m pretty positive that the Arizona Cardinals don’t have what it takes to beat the Bears, even with Mr. Matt, I won a Heisman Trophy, Leinart. Incidentally, Microsoft Word does not seem recognize “Heisman” as a legitimate word. Apparently computer programmers don’t watch college football. Way to go Microsoft. Getting back to Monday night, I’m ridiculously happy that I get to see another Chicago Bears football game. I’m sure it will be as ludicrously one sided as the first when Chicago beat a very potent Seahawks team by over 30 points.
I’m sorry to all you Arizona fans out there, but I don’t think that praying to God will help your team’s chances at all. I have it on good authority that Mike Ditka (who won a Super Bowl as a tight end for the Bears and another as their head coach) once beat God in a football game by 42-7. After the game, Ditka barreled over God in a display of pure aggression. God laughed it off and later forgave the Hall of Famer. God is just such a good sport like that.
Well I hope I haven’t bored you too much with all my statistics and overindulgence of one of the greatest sports teams ever. I assure you that next week I will get back to the woman hating and chauvinism that make my writing what it is. And yes, the Bears are one of the greatest sports franchises ever. I mean, Fred Savage wore a Chicago Bears jersey in the movie The Princess Bride. And I think we can all agree that The Princess Bride was an awesome movie.
So all motion picture and Saturday Night Live references aside, I’m going to enjoy sitting down with an ice cold beer and a large meat-lovers pizza to watch the game on Monday. As I said before, I feel sorry for Matt Leinart. He’s going to throw two interceptions and get sacked three times before Monday night’s game is over. Arizona’s offensive line won’t be able to hold up against Chicago’s defense, and this is before Chicago even attempts to send in an extra man on the blitz. They’re just that good. Yeah, it’s going to suck to be Matt Leinart on Monday.
Oh, and bonus points to those of you who figured out that the title for this article was a play on words using three of the four teams in the NFC North division. The Detroit Lions, Minnesota Vikings, and Chicago Bears are represented there. My apologies to Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers for not making it into the title.
And why is this? Well, the Bears are arguably the best team in the NFL right now. They are 5-0 and the only other undefeated team is the Indianapolis Colts who scored a grand total of 135 points in five games. The Bears, on the other hand, have scored a total of 156 points this season. I know that’s not a huge difference, but when the hell does Chicago outscore Indianapolis’s offensive machine (named Peyton Manning)? No seriously, when did Chicago get an offense?
When I was growing up, Chicago was normally a decent team. The Bears are known for their physically tough and gritty defense, but they’ve never been big on scoring points. But now they’re playing the best football in the league on both sides of the field. It’s simply amazing. And what’s up with that Rex Grossman guy? I know he was pretty decent back in Gainesville, but how does he average over 200 yards a game (with the fourth best passer rating in the league) with Chicago? No really, how is that possible? Back in 2001, I think that Chicago only completed five passes all season long. And those were all against Detroit.
Why am I so giddy over Chicago’s sudden eliteness in the NFL? Well, I’ve been a Chicago fan all my life, but unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to cheer for them. For a long while, they haven’t been very good, and it’s not always kosher to wear the jersey of a team that only won three games in an entire season. But now, now the Bears the best team in the league. They utterly demolished last years NFC champs, the Seattle Seahawks two weeks ago. Right now, the Bears are 5-0, which is a feat that hasn’t been accomplished in Chicago since 1986. So I hope you’ll excuse my sudden enthusiasm since I was only three years old the last time the Bears started a season off this well.
Chicago’s normally staunch defense has gotten so dominantly potent that a recent accord has been added to the Geneva Convention that clearly states that it is “Cruel and Unusual to exercise the Bear’s Defense in an Act of War.” I don’t blame then. I mean, I’m pretty sure I saw Brian Urlacher rip a man’s torso in half using nothing than his right shoulder blade in the middle of a game. He’s just that good. The defense has only allowed 36 points this season (that’s 7.2 points per game for you math whizzes out there). Seven points a game is equivalent to building a ten foot tall brick wall on your own 20 yard line to keep the other team out. Although something tells me this Chicago defense is far more effective than any mere wall.
Unfortunately, I live in North Carolina where I can only see mostly east coast games. There’s only been one televised Chicago game in my region so far this year. Now don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy watching the Carolina Panthers. Well, except when they try to lateral the ball on a punt return and no one is there resulting in a turnover to Minnesota. That was just stupid. But other than that, I like the Panthers. The thing is, I don’t really have a hometown. I was born in Peoria, Illinois, but I’ve never lived anywhere for more than four years. Growing up in a military family will do that to you.
But since I was born in Illinois, I’ve always favored the Chicago teams. In fact, my 13 year old Chicago Blackhawks jersey is still one of my most cherished possessions. This is true even though the Blackhawks haven’t been worth watching for almost all of those 13 years. It will be a while before the Blackhawks get their skates back under them, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is that the Bears are kicking some NFL booty, and no one is going to stop them.
If you don’t believe me, tune in Monday night. I’m pretty positive that the Arizona Cardinals don’t have what it takes to beat the Bears, even with Mr. Matt, I won a Heisman Trophy, Leinart. Incidentally, Microsoft Word does not seem recognize “Heisman” as a legitimate word. Apparently computer programmers don’t watch college football. Way to go Microsoft. Getting back to Monday night, I’m ridiculously happy that I get to see another Chicago Bears football game. I’m sure it will be as ludicrously one sided as the first when Chicago beat a very potent Seahawks team by over 30 points.
I’m sorry to all you Arizona fans out there, but I don’t think that praying to God will help your team’s chances at all. I have it on good authority that Mike Ditka (who won a Super Bowl as a tight end for the Bears and another as their head coach) once beat God in a football game by 42-7. After the game, Ditka barreled over God in a display of pure aggression. God laughed it off and later forgave the Hall of Famer. God is just such a good sport like that.
Well I hope I haven’t bored you too much with all my statistics and overindulgence of one of the greatest sports teams ever. I assure you that next week I will get back to the woman hating and chauvinism that make my writing what it is. And yes, the Bears are one of the greatest sports franchises ever. I mean, Fred Savage wore a Chicago Bears jersey in the movie The Princess Bride. And I think we can all agree that The Princess Bride was an awesome movie.
So all motion picture and Saturday Night Live references aside, I’m going to enjoy sitting down with an ice cold beer and a large meat-lovers pizza to watch the game on Monday. As I said before, I feel sorry for Matt Leinart. He’s going to throw two interceptions and get sacked three times before Monday night’s game is over. Arizona’s offensive line won’t be able to hold up against Chicago’s defense, and this is before Chicago even attempts to send in an extra man on the blitz. They’re just that good. Yeah, it’s going to suck to be Matt Leinart on Monday.
Oh, and bonus points to those of you who figured out that the title for this article was a play on words using three of the four teams in the NFC North division. The Detroit Lions, Minnesota Vikings, and Chicago Bears are represented there. My apologies to Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers for not making it into the title.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
It’s Hard to Rely on My Own Good Senses
Last week, a wonderful thing happened. Well, it wasn’t as wonderful as it was bothersome and annoying. I had two old friends come over for a visit. Now I don’t want to sound like a jerk or some really crappy friend, but honestly, it’s sad when I end up being the responsible one in the group. I don’t think I’ve ever been known for my responsibility. But hey, stranger things have happened.
I just want to point out that both my friends are just awesome people and I loved every minute of their stay. Well every minute except when they were waking me up early in the morning, using up all my hot water, changing the channel on my TV, and taking up all the space in my refrigerator. But you know what, that’s ok. You have to be willing to put up with some abuse from your friends now and then. I mean after all, they are my friends.
Bill came down from New Jersey so he could do some work with the UNC girls soccer team. I don’t know why you’d want to drive that far just to do some unpaid work, but then again, I’m the lazy type. Michael randomly came up from a dive shop at the beach for a little down time. Honestly, I think he just wanted to check out all the college girls on Franklin Street. Now, I’m not mad that Michael decided to come visit at the last second, I’m mad that he didn’t bring his incredibly attractive older sister with him.
Luckily I have a few extra keys to the apartment, so the guys could come and go as they pleased without bothering me to let them in all the time. And for the most part, the week went by pretty smoothly. Needless to say, we played a lot of Guitar Hero. And honestly, at this point I’ve run out of words to describe how awesome that game is. Both guys were immediately taken by the game and we all spent many hours playing it. Of course, I showed off my considerable skill and outplayed the both of them, doing my best to squash any hopes they might have of ever being as good as me. I’m just a nice guy like that.
The week wasn’t all taken up by video games. We did manage to make our way out to the bars one night. It was nice to throw back a good beer and reminisce about old times. The musings bring back warm and fuzzy memories: like getting slapped by three sorority girls at 2:30 in the morning while I was trying to leave a bar (Ah, good times!). But alcohol and the passage of time tend to loosen people tongues, and I learned a few things that I was not entirely aware of back in college.
Apparently, every guy I knew had a crush on a female friend of mine. Not that I can blame then, she was a very attract and very sweet girl. I’m just glad none of the guys acted on it. Well, to be honest, one guy did, and I ended up having to deal with both my guy friend and my female friend as I wound up in the middle of whatever the heck was going on between them. I guess it could have been worse, but still, if I wasn’t the one to have fun with a girl, why should I have to deal with all the backlash? It just doesn’t seem fair to me.
It really is interesting to learn about all of this stuff. I had three fairly good female friends that I hung out with back in college: Ashley, Alison, and Amy. Yes I know, their names all start with the letter A. Try keeping track of them after about your fourth beer. Let me assure you, it’s not easy. Luckily, names have never really been that important to me. After awhile, I gave up trying to keep track of who was who and just start pointing and saying “Hey you, grab me another beer.” Simple and effective, just the way I like it, although I can’t say the same for the three girls. For some strange reason, girls expect you to know their names and always get it right. What’s up with that?
Now I know I may sound cruel to you, but stay with me here, because there’s a method to my madness. The two guys that visited me last week were both single, which is cool because we did the single guy thing. Mainly, that involves drinking and playing video games, and we threw in some Monday Night Football for good measure. But it’s the guys who have girlfriends who really like to keep me around. See, I have a really bad habit of saying things that girls find distasteful. And for me, that’s ok, I’ve come to terms with it. Luckily, I’m able to rein myself in enough in these situations so that I don’t cause any relationship problems for my friends. Let’s be honest, I cause enough problems for myself, I don’t need to create any for others. This does have an interesting side effect though. My natural abhorrence of civility makes me look pretty bad in front of girls. However, a guy sitting right next to me who isn’t being nearly as bad as I am tends to look like a pretty upstanding guy by contrast.
In fact, when one of my old housemates would get into a fight with his girlfriend, she would usually come downstairs and complain to the rest of us about her relationship issues. Normally, I would kindly suggest in the most statesman-like manner that if she did his laundry more often, she wouldn’t have these problems. After that, she would get so mad and me that by the time her boyfriend made it downstairs she would have forgotten all about being distraught with him, and they would go off happily ever after. I have been party to several scenarios very similar to the above, and just about every outcome is the same. That’s me, Jeff Privette: making you look better by comparison since 2001.
Speaking of girls, when I got back home from my hockey game on Wednesday night, I expected Michael to have a few girls waiting for me at my apartment. Unfortunately, he didn’t come through for me, which was somewhat upsetting. Girls have always flocked to Michael, I don’t know why; it’s just some sort of special ability he has. I’ve tried to copy it, but for some reason when girls herd around Michael, it does absolutely nothing for my own romantic life. It’s funny how that works out. Luckily there’s an upside to that. Like when that creepy girl was hitting on the three of us Tuesday night at the bar, I just pointed her towards Michael, and then made my swift escape to the downstairs portion of the bar. I could have left the place entirely, but then I couldn’t have gotten myself another beer. And that would have been a travesty.
But now I’m home all alone again. There’s no one snoring on my sofa or using my beard trimmer and neglecting to clean it off. It’s nice to have some peace and quiet again. For one thing, it’s hard for me to write and be creative when there are a couple of goobers playing Guitar Hero and totally messing up I Love Rock and Roll. Seriously, what rock and roll fan messes up a classic like that? However, they’re out of my hair now, and I can get back to writing again. Specifically, I can write an entire article making fun of them. Thanks guys.
I just want to point out that both my friends are just awesome people and I loved every minute of their stay. Well every minute except when they were waking me up early in the morning, using up all my hot water, changing the channel on my TV, and taking up all the space in my refrigerator. But you know what, that’s ok. You have to be willing to put up with some abuse from your friends now and then. I mean after all, they are my friends.
Bill came down from New Jersey so he could do some work with the UNC girls soccer team. I don’t know why you’d want to drive that far just to do some unpaid work, but then again, I’m the lazy type. Michael randomly came up from a dive shop at the beach for a little down time. Honestly, I think he just wanted to check out all the college girls on Franklin Street. Now, I’m not mad that Michael decided to come visit at the last second, I’m mad that he didn’t bring his incredibly attractive older sister with him.
Luckily I have a few extra keys to the apartment, so the guys could come and go as they pleased without bothering me to let them in all the time. And for the most part, the week went by pretty smoothly. Needless to say, we played a lot of Guitar Hero. And honestly, at this point I’ve run out of words to describe how awesome that game is. Both guys were immediately taken by the game and we all spent many hours playing it. Of course, I showed off my considerable skill and outplayed the both of them, doing my best to squash any hopes they might have of ever being as good as me. I’m just a nice guy like that.
The week wasn’t all taken up by video games. We did manage to make our way out to the bars one night. It was nice to throw back a good beer and reminisce about old times. The musings bring back warm and fuzzy memories: like getting slapped by three sorority girls at 2:30 in the morning while I was trying to leave a bar (Ah, good times!). But alcohol and the passage of time tend to loosen people tongues, and I learned a few things that I was not entirely aware of back in college.
Apparently, every guy I knew had a crush on a female friend of mine. Not that I can blame then, she was a very attract and very sweet girl. I’m just glad none of the guys acted on it. Well, to be honest, one guy did, and I ended up having to deal with both my guy friend and my female friend as I wound up in the middle of whatever the heck was going on between them. I guess it could have been worse, but still, if I wasn’t the one to have fun with a girl, why should I have to deal with all the backlash? It just doesn’t seem fair to me.
It really is interesting to learn about all of this stuff. I had three fairly good female friends that I hung out with back in college: Ashley, Alison, and Amy. Yes I know, their names all start with the letter A. Try keeping track of them after about your fourth beer. Let me assure you, it’s not easy. Luckily, names have never really been that important to me. After awhile, I gave up trying to keep track of who was who and just start pointing and saying “Hey you, grab me another beer.” Simple and effective, just the way I like it, although I can’t say the same for the three girls. For some strange reason, girls expect you to know their names and always get it right. What’s up with that?
Now I know I may sound cruel to you, but stay with me here, because there’s a method to my madness. The two guys that visited me last week were both single, which is cool because we did the single guy thing. Mainly, that involves drinking and playing video games, and we threw in some Monday Night Football for good measure. But it’s the guys who have girlfriends who really like to keep me around. See, I have a really bad habit of saying things that girls find distasteful. And for me, that’s ok, I’ve come to terms with it. Luckily, I’m able to rein myself in enough in these situations so that I don’t cause any relationship problems for my friends. Let’s be honest, I cause enough problems for myself, I don’t need to create any for others. This does have an interesting side effect though. My natural abhorrence of civility makes me look pretty bad in front of girls. However, a guy sitting right next to me who isn’t being nearly as bad as I am tends to look like a pretty upstanding guy by contrast.
In fact, when one of my old housemates would get into a fight with his girlfriend, she would usually come downstairs and complain to the rest of us about her relationship issues. Normally, I would kindly suggest in the most statesman-like manner that if she did his laundry more often, she wouldn’t have these problems. After that, she would get so mad and me that by the time her boyfriend made it downstairs she would have forgotten all about being distraught with him, and they would go off happily ever after. I have been party to several scenarios very similar to the above, and just about every outcome is the same. That’s me, Jeff Privette: making you look better by comparison since 2001.
Speaking of girls, when I got back home from my hockey game on Wednesday night, I expected Michael to have a few girls waiting for me at my apartment. Unfortunately, he didn’t come through for me, which was somewhat upsetting. Girls have always flocked to Michael, I don’t know why; it’s just some sort of special ability he has. I’ve tried to copy it, but for some reason when girls herd around Michael, it does absolutely nothing for my own romantic life. It’s funny how that works out. Luckily there’s an upside to that. Like when that creepy girl was hitting on the three of us Tuesday night at the bar, I just pointed her towards Michael, and then made my swift escape to the downstairs portion of the bar. I could have left the place entirely, but then I couldn’t have gotten myself another beer. And that would have been a travesty.
But now I’m home all alone again. There’s no one snoring on my sofa or using my beard trimmer and neglecting to clean it off. It’s nice to have some peace and quiet again. For one thing, it’s hard for me to write and be creative when there are a couple of goobers playing Guitar Hero and totally messing up I Love Rock and Roll. Seriously, what rock and roll fan messes up a classic like that? However, they’re out of my hair now, and I can get back to writing again. Specifically, I can write an entire article making fun of them. Thanks guys.
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