Ambition is a wonderful thing to have in life. Most people want to get a good job, work hard, get married, and raise a family. This is certainly a noble goal. It’s not exactly my goal, but then again, I’ve never been known to be noble. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have ambition. As a matter of fact, I’ve been rather ambitious for most of my adult life. Whether or not my behavior classifies me as an adult is another thing entirely. The law says I’m an adult, and the law is just smart like that.
So, what is the great and wondrous goal that I have been chasing for so many years? No, it has nothing to do with hard work, self-reliance, or even winning the lottery. My lifelong goal is to marry a rich chick. I don’t want to have to work for my money, I want my incredibly attractive and very intelligent wife to work for my money. Meanwhile, I’ll stay at home and play Halo on Xbox Live. This is my dream, and one day, with a lot of hard work and perseverance, it might just come true.
Now I know a lot of you women out there would be outraged with a life plan who’s only two steps involve: marry a rich chick and play video games. But you really have to look past the shallow nature and selfishness of my goal. If you’re paying attention, and I’m sure you are, you’ll notice that I am, in fact, a pioneer in feminism. You should be proud of me, feminists aren’t people I usually associate myself with. But in this case, I really am in league with them. I don’t mind a wife who’s the bread winner and I’d be perfectly happy being a stay at home dad. This is a clear breach in traditional manly values.
Isn’t that what women want: a guy who is comfortable being in the background while the wife is obsessed with work and promotions? If this is what you want, then I’m the guy for you. I’m totally cool with the woman making all the money. And as an added bonus, I can do minor electrical and plumbing work and I can make cookies. How many stay at home dads can say that? If that doesn’t get the ladies’ juices flowing, I don’t know what will.
All joking aside, this is my dream in life. I want to marry an attractive girl who has a good job, and even better prospects for future earnings. In fact, I’m willing to be more lenient on the how attractive my prospective mate is when her projected future earnings are higher. I can do this on a very simple and very unbiased method. Simply discount the projected future earnings of the woman over the next ten years to the present value. Here’s the formula we’ll be using:
AI = AS [( 1 / (1 + .03)^10 )/(.03)]
AI = Attractiveness Index
AS = Average Yearly Salary
In this formula, the 10 represents the number of years my prospective wife will be making her average salary. Each .03 represents an estimated 3% increase in the cost of living year over year. All I have to do is input the estimated average yearly salary for the woman in the “AS” spot and I can come up with a usable number. For every increase of 800,000 in the Attractiveness Index, I’ll be willing to lower my future spouse’s beauty by one point on the classic ten point model (to be furthermore referred to as the Classic Index, or CI). I think we’re all accustomed to the Classic Index with a perfect ten being the hottest girl you’ve ever seen and a lowly one being a woman who looks like the unholy offspring of Jabba the Hut and an abominable snowman.
Now we all know that money isn’t everything. Looks are important too. But we’ve already addressed both of those. Some of you may be wondering how the woman’s personality fits into all of this. Well, let me just assuage your fears: it doesn’t. Let’s be honest with ourselves here, personality is not important. Heck, it’s never been important. When you hear someone say “That girl has a great personality,” what does that mean to you? It means she is neither rich nor physically attractive.
What would you rather have: a spouse who has a wonderful personality, or one that is rich or incredibly gorgeous? May I remind you for just one second that supermodels are both rich and insanely hot? So which is it? The supermodels in bikinis or the girls who can make you smile and laugh? Personally, I think laughing is overrated. Laughs come and go but money, spendola (as it is called in certain European circles) lasts forever.
You don’t believe me about money lasting forever? Just ask your local jeweler. When you go into the store to buy an engagement ring for you fiancé with the superb personality, he’ll tell you that you can make three months salary last forever by buying her a rather small, shiny rock. Oh sure, that shiny rock will be surrounded by gold, which has existential value, but most of your hard-earned cash will be going towards that shiny pebble. I know this is true because a commercial on TV said so, and commercials don’t lie, it’s against the law.
Like I said, marrying for love or trust or even mutual respect is totally overrated. Let’s look at the figures, approximately 40% or more of married American couples will get divorced. And after your inevitable divorce (hey you can’t argue with statistics), what are you left with? The laughs, the trust, the respect, it’s all gone. This is why I am using the relatively short span of ten years for my marriage when discounting a perspective wife’s future earnings. I honestly don’t think that my money making scheme would ever end in divorce, but I’m just going to play it safe anyway. Did I say money making scheme? I meant marriage, my wonderfully happy and splendidly fruitful marriage.
I would like to point out that the formula that I gave you earlier can also be used when evaluating potential investments. The reason I’m using it as a scale for finding a suitable wife is merely coincidental. But hey, who would have thought that I’d actually give you something scholarly in my writing? I’m not only entertaining and informative, but also educational too.
I should be rewarded for providing you with such unparallel educational content. Specifically, I should be rewarded with money. Thank you notes are nice and all, but they waste the life of a tree and add to our already overburdened waste disposal systems. Money, on the other hand, is forever. So prevent over logging and send me some cold hard cash (and no, money is not made of paper; it is created from a unique blend of cloth and fabrics, so you won’t be hurting the forests by sending me money, thank you).
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Pork, Chicken, and Steak, Oh My!
Do you want to know what’s been bothering me lately? Ok, I know you don’t care, but I’m going to tell you anyways, because that’s just the kind of man that I am. I’m the kind of man that’s more important than you are, so listen up, and you’d better listen good too. Here’s the thing: I don’t trust vegetarians. I know this is totally random, but bear with me for a few minutes.
I know a few people who are vegetarians, and I’ve been pretty considerate and kind and doing all that understanding crap. But honestly, I just don’t get it. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against vegetables. In fact, I eat vegetables all the time. Hamburgers usually come with lettuce and tomato on them, French fries are made from potatoes, and I usually get onions and green peppers on my Philly cheese-steak. But what is the deal with people who don’t eat meat? Not only is it incredibly tasty and immensely satisfying, but meat provides essential vitamins and nutrients that are hard to find anywhere else. Do you know how many beans you have to eat to get your daily supply of protein and iron? Honestly, I have no idea, but I’m just going to assume that it’s a huge amount, since it’ll make my case just that much stronger.
So why is it that I don’t trust people that don’t eat meat? What have vegetarians ever done to me to make me weary of them? Well, nothing really. I mean, besides the fact that they decided, of their own free will and accord, to not consume the wonderfully meaty and delicious creatures of this planet. I just can’t understand that. I don’t know why someone would voluntarily not eat meat. Think about it, there is just no rational explanation for it, which is why I don’t trust vegetarians. What solid reason is there for passing up on some good old fashioned Carolina barbeque? There is none.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking, that those veggie eating fiends have perfectly rational reasons for not partaking in the most wholesome part of the food pyramid. Let’s take a look at these so called “reasonable explanations” for being a vegetarian. Some of those leaf eaters say its healthier being a vegetarian. They say that meat is too fatty and you’ll gain too much weight and unwanted cholesterol when you eat meat. Well that’s true if all you do is sit on the sofa eating nothing but Taco Bell and watching Dr. Phil. The problem is, these crazy vegetarians are eating their meat all wrong. They should go back to the old fashioned way of eating meat: by hunting wild animals down with nothing but a spear and a knife. Seriously, there’s nothing like a three hour long hunt to work up an appetite, and it helps keep off those unsightly love handles. Just a note though, it’s not considered hunting if you end up eating veal.
Another wacko theory is that the cows we raise for beef produce too much methane which adds to the greenhouse gasses that are destroying our atmosphere. Well, I agree that greenhouse gasses are a problem and that global warming is something we all need to deal with. Although, I’m not sure eating nothing but leafy green vegetables is the way to solve that problem. I mean, think about it. If you left those leafy greens in the ground to grow, instead of eating them, they’d mature and do that photosynthetic thing where they turn greenhouse gasses into energy and emit live affirming oxygen. So to all you vegetarians out there: Thanks for eating up all of our natural filters for greenhouse gasses. Good job.
Some vegetarians will tell you that they don’t eat meat because they love animals and they’d hate to eat the cute, cuddly animals. Now that doesn’t make a lick of sense. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that dog is, in fact, not man’s best friend. The pig is man’s best friend. I mean, look at all the things he does for us: bacon, ham, pork, pork chops, pulled pork… and the list goes on and on. But honestly, it doesn’t matter how cute the animal is, you were born to eat meat. God gave you incisors for a reason, to rip apart the charred flesh of the lesser creatures. So get off your lazy butt and eat some pork. Otherwise God will be mad at you for not using what he gave you.
And what the heck is up with tofu? Why are people trying to replace perfectly good meat with that stuff? They make everything from tofurkey for thanksgiving to tofu-dogs for cookouts. Tofu-dogs? Now who in their right mind would refuse to eat a classic American hotdog? Terrorists, that’s who. Now I’m not saying that the Japanese, who invented tofu and use it in a variety of culinary delights, are terrorists. Far from it. But you know those Americanized flavored varieties of tofu that you see in the grocery store, the ones you’re too afraid to go over and look at because you think all your friends will call you a sissy vegetarian for eating them? Those are made by Al Qaeada. So if you’re eating that flavored tofu, you’re supporting terrorism. You vegetarians make me sick on so many levels.
Now if you’re an astute reader (and since you’re still reading this I can assume that you’re not a vegetarian and therefore you are an astute reader) then you probably noted that I referred to tomatoes as being a vegetable back in the second paragraph. If you missed it, then go back up there and check it out, its ok, I’ll be right here when you get back. So if you’re really astute, and I’m sure you are (unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case I don’t want to associate with you terrorist sympathizers), you’ll note that tomatoes are not a vegetable, but rather a fruit, scientifically speaking, of course. However, I was taught, growing up, that tomatoes were vegetables, but somewhere along the line, someone came in and changed it up on me. I think it was those shifty vegetarians. I don’t have any proof of it, but frankly, I don’t trust them.
I’m still going to call the tomato a vegetable, however. This is because in the US Supreme Court Case, Nix v. Hedden, the highest court in this country declared the tomato a vegetable. You can use all the science and botany you want, but that doesn’t trump the Supreme Court. And I for one will follow the Court’s decision because I’m proud to be an American, unlike those vegetarians.
Now I think you know why I don’t trust vegetarians, and I hope you don’t trust them anymore either. They’re a plague on this country as they descend like a pack of locusts to devour our crops and leave nothing but a barren wasteland behind. I for one will not stand for it. In fact, I’m going to show my patriotism and my love for this wonderful, this free, this brave country, this land of opportunity and liberity… by eating a hotdog.
I know a few people who are vegetarians, and I’ve been pretty considerate and kind and doing all that understanding crap. But honestly, I just don’t get it. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against vegetables. In fact, I eat vegetables all the time. Hamburgers usually come with lettuce and tomato on them, French fries are made from potatoes, and I usually get onions and green peppers on my Philly cheese-steak. But what is the deal with people who don’t eat meat? Not only is it incredibly tasty and immensely satisfying, but meat provides essential vitamins and nutrients that are hard to find anywhere else. Do you know how many beans you have to eat to get your daily supply of protein and iron? Honestly, I have no idea, but I’m just going to assume that it’s a huge amount, since it’ll make my case just that much stronger.
So why is it that I don’t trust people that don’t eat meat? What have vegetarians ever done to me to make me weary of them? Well, nothing really. I mean, besides the fact that they decided, of their own free will and accord, to not consume the wonderfully meaty and delicious creatures of this planet. I just can’t understand that. I don’t know why someone would voluntarily not eat meat. Think about it, there is just no rational explanation for it, which is why I don’t trust vegetarians. What solid reason is there for passing up on some good old fashioned Carolina barbeque? There is none.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking, that those veggie eating fiends have perfectly rational reasons for not partaking in the most wholesome part of the food pyramid. Let’s take a look at these so called “reasonable explanations” for being a vegetarian. Some of those leaf eaters say its healthier being a vegetarian. They say that meat is too fatty and you’ll gain too much weight and unwanted cholesterol when you eat meat. Well that’s true if all you do is sit on the sofa eating nothing but Taco Bell and watching Dr. Phil. The problem is, these crazy vegetarians are eating their meat all wrong. They should go back to the old fashioned way of eating meat: by hunting wild animals down with nothing but a spear and a knife. Seriously, there’s nothing like a three hour long hunt to work up an appetite, and it helps keep off those unsightly love handles. Just a note though, it’s not considered hunting if you end up eating veal.
Another wacko theory is that the cows we raise for beef produce too much methane which adds to the greenhouse gasses that are destroying our atmosphere. Well, I agree that greenhouse gasses are a problem and that global warming is something we all need to deal with. Although, I’m not sure eating nothing but leafy green vegetables is the way to solve that problem. I mean, think about it. If you left those leafy greens in the ground to grow, instead of eating them, they’d mature and do that photosynthetic thing where they turn greenhouse gasses into energy and emit live affirming oxygen. So to all you vegetarians out there: Thanks for eating up all of our natural filters for greenhouse gasses. Good job.
Some vegetarians will tell you that they don’t eat meat because they love animals and they’d hate to eat the cute, cuddly animals. Now that doesn’t make a lick of sense. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that dog is, in fact, not man’s best friend. The pig is man’s best friend. I mean, look at all the things he does for us: bacon, ham, pork, pork chops, pulled pork… and the list goes on and on. But honestly, it doesn’t matter how cute the animal is, you were born to eat meat. God gave you incisors for a reason, to rip apart the charred flesh of the lesser creatures. So get off your lazy butt and eat some pork. Otherwise God will be mad at you for not using what he gave you.
And what the heck is up with tofu? Why are people trying to replace perfectly good meat with that stuff? They make everything from tofurkey for thanksgiving to tofu-dogs for cookouts. Tofu-dogs? Now who in their right mind would refuse to eat a classic American hotdog? Terrorists, that’s who. Now I’m not saying that the Japanese, who invented tofu and use it in a variety of culinary delights, are terrorists. Far from it. But you know those Americanized flavored varieties of tofu that you see in the grocery store, the ones you’re too afraid to go over and look at because you think all your friends will call you a sissy vegetarian for eating them? Those are made by Al Qaeada. So if you’re eating that flavored tofu, you’re supporting terrorism. You vegetarians make me sick on so many levels.
Now if you’re an astute reader (and since you’re still reading this I can assume that you’re not a vegetarian and therefore you are an astute reader) then you probably noted that I referred to tomatoes as being a vegetable back in the second paragraph. If you missed it, then go back up there and check it out, its ok, I’ll be right here when you get back. So if you’re really astute, and I’m sure you are (unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case I don’t want to associate with you terrorist sympathizers), you’ll note that tomatoes are not a vegetable, but rather a fruit, scientifically speaking, of course. However, I was taught, growing up, that tomatoes were vegetables, but somewhere along the line, someone came in and changed it up on me. I think it was those shifty vegetarians. I don’t have any proof of it, but frankly, I don’t trust them.
I’m still going to call the tomato a vegetable, however. This is because in the US Supreme Court Case, Nix v. Hedden, the highest court in this country declared the tomato a vegetable. You can use all the science and botany you want, but that doesn’t trump the Supreme Court. And I for one will follow the Court’s decision because I’m proud to be an American, unlike those vegetarians.
Now I think you know why I don’t trust vegetarians, and I hope you don’t trust them anymore either. They’re a plague on this country as they descend like a pack of locusts to devour our crops and leave nothing but a barren wasteland behind. I for one will not stand for it. In fact, I’m going to show my patriotism and my love for this wonderful, this free, this brave country, this land of opportunity and liberity… by eating a hotdog.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Game Day Fun
It’s almost fall, and you know what that means: the weather is cooling off, there’s a nice easy breeze blowing through the now colorful foliage, the rush of summertime is gone and life seems to be slowing down, and of course, and most importantly, football! After a long summer season of nothing but baseball and the occasional spelling bee, it’s great to finally get a sport worth watching. Now don’t get me wrong, the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest is a thrill a minute, watching those tiny Japanese guys out eating our oversized American competitors, but it’s just not the same as football. What’s up with that though? We are a nation that thrives on fast food, deep fried Twinkies, and anything that is high in cholesterol, but we can’t win a hot dog eating contest. I think we got screwed on that deal.
Back to the subject at hand: football. I don’t know about you, but I am a huge fan of college football. The NFL is ok, but I usually don’t pay much attention until the playoffs. Well, except for Chicago, I always cheer for the Bears (pronounced: “DA Bears”). When it comes right down to it though, I think college teams play with more heart and passion for the game than do the professionals who seem mostly interested in signing bonuses. I also like the college set-up better. You don’t have to wait until Christmas for the playoffs to begin, in college they begin in September. Lose one game and you’re out of the national championship. Last year the Ohio State vs. Texas game in the second week of the season was probably one of the biggest (if not the biggest) in determining who was going to the National Championship game. Then, Texas beat Ohio State and they went on to win the National Championship. This year the Buckeyes won. Will they be able to pull off a run to the final? We’ll have to wait and see.
Of course, my favorite college team is the University of North Carolina Tar Heels. Unfortunately, rooting for the Tar Heels isn’t the easiest thing to do. The football program isn’t quite on par with its rich basketball tradition. And you know what, that’s ok. You can’t really expect perfection in both programs. But it is nice to watch the football team pull off an upset every once in a while. The first Carolina sporting event I went to was the 2001 football game against Florida State where the Tar Heels thoroughly embarrassed the Seminoles, 41-9. Of course, that doesn’t happen very often, especially now that UNC has to play both Virginia Tech and Miami (of Florida) every year.
For those of you not in the know, last Saturday was the UNC game versus Virginia Tech. I had the distinct pleasure of attending. Ok, maybe it was a pleasure for most of the first quarter, but that’s about it. We don’t need to go into the details about the game, because that would just make me cry again. And you don’t want to make me cry, do you? Let’s just say the Carolina offense seems to take the field with only one goal in mind: to throw an interception. I mean really, that’s how it appeared to me.
Like I said, there’s no need to talk about the game, but I do want to talk about being at the game. College football is an experience like no other. In some collegiate stadiums the fans get so loud when their team is on defense, that the opposing quarterback cannot call an audible on the field because his teammates cannot hear him above the roar (for the record, its doesn’t get quite that loud in Kenan stadium). When was the last time that ever happened at a professional game? So I’ll give you a quick run down of my college football experience last weekend.
First off, since it was a 12pm game, I had to get up at 10am (waking up before noon is, as a generally rule, something I just don’t do). I drove into Chapel Hill early enough to miss most of the nasty traffic and find a decent parking place. Of course, being a college town, parking is a pain in the butt, and there’s people walking all over the place, so it’s far too easy and far too tempting to run over the pedestrians wearing Virginia Tech t-shirts. After getting the car parked, I met my friend on campus and hung out before game time to listen to the band. This is mainly because his girlfriend is in the band. And before you jump to any conclusions there are some pretty attractive band geeks, believe it or not. It is Carolina, and I have it on good authority that Carolina girls are the best in the world.
I have to admit, the band is pretty good. They did a rendition of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit that was reasonably true to the song. Well, except for the fact that they didn’t have any electric guitars. I felt a little odd about that, I know the band is trying to be hip, but grunge music without the guitars? That’s like eating strawberry shortcake without the strawberries. I mean, yeah the shortcake tastes good on its own, but shortcake has pretty much no point unless there’s strawberries involved in some way.
After the band finished its pre-game rituals, they took off from the quad and marched to the stadium. We followed behind in the mass of people and once again I had to suppress the urge to enact some very random acts of violence on people wearing Virginia Tech shirts. Although I have to admit, the Virginia Tech fans were very well behaved for the most part. Much better behaved than NC State fans have ever been. But I can’t blame the Wolfpack fans, I mean, if I had to walk through a bunch of tractors and cows on my way to class everyday, I’d be pretty pissed off too. What I haven’t been able to figure out though, is how all those cows can graze on NC State’s campus when the campus is completely paved over in bricks. I guess it’s just one of those mysteries of life.
Unfortunately, most of the seats in Kenan Stadium don’t have any shade and the sun can easily overheat you and give you some really bad tan lines. Thankfully, I didn’t have to deal with that, our seats had shade. Looking out over the stadium, you can see a sea of Carolina blue, as all the students, parents, alumni, and even faculty were wearing their school colors. Unfortunately there was a rather large consortium of Virginia Tech fans in attendance who were sitting around our section. By the way, can anyone tell me what a Hokie is? I’ve yet to discover this for myself.
We can just skip the events of the game, and I think you all know why. At least the Carolina dancers were in attendance, which was one upside of the day. Now some of you may be wondering why a school would need a dance squad when we already have a cheerleading squad. Well, let’s see… they're college coeds in tight pants and halter tops. Enough said. Unlike most of the other people in attendance, we stayed for the entire length of the game, even though the game was over probably before the fourth quarter even started. I have always stayed to the end of every game just so I can sing the alma mater. It’s called school pride. Or at least I think that's what it's called. I’m not entirely sure, I skipped most of my orientation when they went over all that stuff. The orientation leaders were all so upbeat and “super happy.” It was annoying.
So what have we learned today? Football is better than baseball, hands down. Yes, there are attractive girls in the band. You just don’t notice them because you’re too busy staring at the dance team and the cheerleaders. Strawberry shortcake makes a horrible metaphor for grunge music. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, as long as you have more points than the other team. And last of all, Carolina may have lost to Virginia Tech this weekend, but at least they didn’t lose to Akron. I mean, NC State losing to Akron, now that’s just sad.
Back to the subject at hand: football. I don’t know about you, but I am a huge fan of college football. The NFL is ok, but I usually don’t pay much attention until the playoffs. Well, except for Chicago, I always cheer for the Bears (pronounced: “DA Bears”). When it comes right down to it though, I think college teams play with more heart and passion for the game than do the professionals who seem mostly interested in signing bonuses. I also like the college set-up better. You don’t have to wait until Christmas for the playoffs to begin, in college they begin in September. Lose one game and you’re out of the national championship. Last year the Ohio State vs. Texas game in the second week of the season was probably one of the biggest (if not the biggest) in determining who was going to the National Championship game. Then, Texas beat Ohio State and they went on to win the National Championship. This year the Buckeyes won. Will they be able to pull off a run to the final? We’ll have to wait and see.
Of course, my favorite college team is the University of North Carolina Tar Heels. Unfortunately, rooting for the Tar Heels isn’t the easiest thing to do. The football program isn’t quite on par with its rich basketball tradition. And you know what, that’s ok. You can’t really expect perfection in both programs. But it is nice to watch the football team pull off an upset every once in a while. The first Carolina sporting event I went to was the 2001 football game against Florida State where the Tar Heels thoroughly embarrassed the Seminoles, 41-9. Of course, that doesn’t happen very often, especially now that UNC has to play both Virginia Tech and Miami (of Florida) every year.
For those of you not in the know, last Saturday was the UNC game versus Virginia Tech. I had the distinct pleasure of attending. Ok, maybe it was a pleasure for most of the first quarter, but that’s about it. We don’t need to go into the details about the game, because that would just make me cry again. And you don’t want to make me cry, do you? Let’s just say the Carolina offense seems to take the field with only one goal in mind: to throw an interception. I mean really, that’s how it appeared to me.
Like I said, there’s no need to talk about the game, but I do want to talk about being at the game. College football is an experience like no other. In some collegiate stadiums the fans get so loud when their team is on defense, that the opposing quarterback cannot call an audible on the field because his teammates cannot hear him above the roar (for the record, its doesn’t get quite that loud in Kenan stadium). When was the last time that ever happened at a professional game? So I’ll give you a quick run down of my college football experience last weekend.
First off, since it was a 12pm game, I had to get up at 10am (waking up before noon is, as a generally rule, something I just don’t do). I drove into Chapel Hill early enough to miss most of the nasty traffic and find a decent parking place. Of course, being a college town, parking is a pain in the butt, and there’s people walking all over the place, so it’s far too easy and far too tempting to run over the pedestrians wearing Virginia Tech t-shirts. After getting the car parked, I met my friend on campus and hung out before game time to listen to the band. This is mainly because his girlfriend is in the band. And before you jump to any conclusions there are some pretty attractive band geeks, believe it or not. It is Carolina, and I have it on good authority that Carolina girls are the best in the world.
I have to admit, the band is pretty good. They did a rendition of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit that was reasonably true to the song. Well, except for the fact that they didn’t have any electric guitars. I felt a little odd about that, I know the band is trying to be hip, but grunge music without the guitars? That’s like eating strawberry shortcake without the strawberries. I mean, yeah the shortcake tastes good on its own, but shortcake has pretty much no point unless there’s strawberries involved in some way.
After the band finished its pre-game rituals, they took off from the quad and marched to the stadium. We followed behind in the mass of people and once again I had to suppress the urge to enact some very random acts of violence on people wearing Virginia Tech shirts. Although I have to admit, the Virginia Tech fans were very well behaved for the most part. Much better behaved than NC State fans have ever been. But I can’t blame the Wolfpack fans, I mean, if I had to walk through a bunch of tractors and cows on my way to class everyday, I’d be pretty pissed off too. What I haven’t been able to figure out though, is how all those cows can graze on NC State’s campus when the campus is completely paved over in bricks. I guess it’s just one of those mysteries of life.
Unfortunately, most of the seats in Kenan Stadium don’t have any shade and the sun can easily overheat you and give you some really bad tan lines. Thankfully, I didn’t have to deal with that, our seats had shade. Looking out over the stadium, you can see a sea of Carolina blue, as all the students, parents, alumni, and even faculty were wearing their school colors. Unfortunately there was a rather large consortium of Virginia Tech fans in attendance who were sitting around our section. By the way, can anyone tell me what a Hokie is? I’ve yet to discover this for myself.
We can just skip the events of the game, and I think you all know why. At least the Carolina dancers were in attendance, which was one upside of the day. Now some of you may be wondering why a school would need a dance squad when we already have a cheerleading squad. Well, let’s see… they're college coeds in tight pants and halter tops. Enough said. Unlike most of the other people in attendance, we stayed for the entire length of the game, even though the game was over probably before the fourth quarter even started. I have always stayed to the end of every game just so I can sing the alma mater. It’s called school pride. Or at least I think that's what it's called. I’m not entirely sure, I skipped most of my orientation when they went over all that stuff. The orientation leaders were all so upbeat and “super happy.” It was annoying.
So what have we learned today? Football is better than baseball, hands down. Yes, there are attractive girls in the band. You just don’t notice them because you’re too busy staring at the dance team and the cheerleaders. Strawberry shortcake makes a horrible metaphor for grunge music. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, as long as you have more points than the other team. And last of all, Carolina may have lost to Virginia Tech this weekend, but at least they didn’t lose to Akron. I mean, NC State losing to Akron, now that’s just sad.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
To Health, Happiness, and Fast Food
I am a bastion of healthiness and wellbeing. I am in tune with my body and everything it needs to survive and flourish. I just thought you might want to know that. Unfortunately, even though I know what my body needs, I don’t always see fit to give it the required nutritional supplements. So basically, I was being facetious in that first sentence. I’m not healthy, I’m actually rather lazy.
I could blame the problem on the fact that there is a Hardee’s and a Wendy’s right down the street from me. Or that there is a Bojangles and a McDonald’s not too far away either. But is it really the fault of fast food companies that I am eating poorly? Yes, it is. Well, actually no it isn’t. It’s just easier to blame it on fast food chains. Otherwise I’d have to blame my problems on myself, and I’m not really all that great at taking responsibility for my own actions.
But really, I think we should start at the beginning. The major problem isn’t the proximity of fast food joints. My problem is that I have yet to go grocery shopping. Seriously, it’s been like a month. One look in my fridge and you can easily confirm that I’m a single guy. Every bachelor has a fridge with several different kinds of condiments, but no real food of any sort. And no, leftover Chinese take-out does not qualify as substantial real food.
So, upon opening my refrigerator door, you will see a bottle of ketchup, a bottle of mustard, a bottle of Worcestershire sauce (and yes, I had to get the bottle out of the fridge in order to spell it properly), some pickled relish, a squeeze tube of mayo, three cans of beer, and about a pint of milk that may or may not have gone bad already. Seriously, I’m afraid to open it and find out. Luckily for me, I cleaned out the fridge, more or less, about a month ago. It’s a good thing too, some of the stuff I had in there was look really, really nasty. It wasn’t exactly what I’d call edible. And of course, the fridge is devoid of any fruits of vegetables whatsoever. This isn’t because I don’t like eating my veggies, it’s that I just don’t trust vegetarians.
I’m pretty sure I’ve spawned new forms of life in the back of my food cooling unit, but I had to throw those in the dumpster. That may sound cruel to you lovers of prokaryotes out there, but let me assure you, I’m only insuring that the fittest forms of mold and bacterial life are allowed to thrive on this planet. And yes, this is important. I know some of you think that mold growing on food is icky and yucky. Well, that may be, but just remember that penicillin is a form of mold. And it was the discovery of penicillin that helped the Allies win World War II. Too bad fungus can’t be awarded the Medal of Honor. So just remember, the next time you take an antibiotic, you’re ingesting good old fashioned mold. Yummy.
So now you know the conundrum that I’m in. I have no food in storage at my house, so if I’m hungry, I have to go elsewhere to get it. Of course, I could go grocery shopping. But that would take valuable time and effort. And of course, I only think to go grocery shopping when I’m hungry. So why would I want to wait to buy food, then take all that time to cook it up when I can go and get something already prepared and ready for me to eat right now? This is why lately I have ended up at Wendy’s drive through window. What can I say? I’m a sucker for the 99 cent menu.
I have to say though, I have been doing one thing lately that is very healthy. I’ve been drinking plenty of water. In fact, it’s about the only thing I drink these days. Occasionally I’ll have some juice or Gatorade (or milk if it hasn’t turned into cottage cheese yet), but the vast majority of the time, its water. The benefits of this are twofold: One, water is cheap, so I don’t waste money on soda’s like I used to. And two, I’m not drinking down empty calories and needless amounts of sugar. I also don’t drink near the amount of caffeine that I used to. Which means now, if I have a Cherry Coke any time after 2pm, it’ll keep me awake pretty much all night.
How healthy can a substance be if it keeps me awake until four in the morning? Well, caffeine is a natural product that is found in over 60 varieties of plants. So it won’t cause you to go blind or deaf like NutraSweet might. The downside is that caffeine acts as a natural pesticide that paralyzes and kills certain insects that feed on these plants. Congratulations! You’re drinking pesticide. Isn’t that just super?
Although caffeine is relatively safe for humans (apparently we can metabolize the compound rather efficiently compared to insects), there are still some unwanted side effects. Prolonged use of caffeine can lead to irritability, anxiety, insomnia, and hyperreflexia (yeah, I have no idea what that is either). Caffeine can also increase the amount of acid in the stomach and therefore can cause peptic ulcers. So yeah, large amounts of naturally occurring pesticide are harmful to you. I’m glad we were able to figure that one out.
Just remember what you read here the next time you down a Red Bull or Mountain Dew. I may be surviving off of Wendy’s Super Value Menu, but at least I don’t have over-caffeinated symptoms. Well, ok, I might be just a slight bit irritable. But that is only because I find about 90% of humanity to be extremely annoying or incredibly ignorant. And ignorant people are annoying. So just remember, if I seem irritable, it’s not because I just chugged an entire two liter bottle of Live Wire Mountain Dew, it’s because you’re an idiot.
But you’ll have to excuse me, I’m getting awfully hungry just sitting here. I think it’s time to go out and pick up some food. Don’t you worry about me though. Even if I succumb to the siren’s song that is the fast food industry, I will still be able to live a healthy life. I plan on working off all of those calories that I consume today. I’m playing football later tonight. No, not the football with the running and the passing and the tackling. I’m talking about video game college football. There’s nothing like laying back in a recliner and playing some good old fashioned hard hitting All American football. Hey, my thumbs can burn off all the calories I need. Honestly, running outdoors is totally overrated.
I could blame the problem on the fact that there is a Hardee’s and a Wendy’s right down the street from me. Or that there is a Bojangles and a McDonald’s not too far away either. But is it really the fault of fast food companies that I am eating poorly? Yes, it is. Well, actually no it isn’t. It’s just easier to blame it on fast food chains. Otherwise I’d have to blame my problems on myself, and I’m not really all that great at taking responsibility for my own actions.
But really, I think we should start at the beginning. The major problem isn’t the proximity of fast food joints. My problem is that I have yet to go grocery shopping. Seriously, it’s been like a month. One look in my fridge and you can easily confirm that I’m a single guy. Every bachelor has a fridge with several different kinds of condiments, but no real food of any sort. And no, leftover Chinese take-out does not qualify as substantial real food.
So, upon opening my refrigerator door, you will see a bottle of ketchup, a bottle of mustard, a bottle of Worcestershire sauce (and yes, I had to get the bottle out of the fridge in order to spell it properly), some pickled relish, a squeeze tube of mayo, three cans of beer, and about a pint of milk that may or may not have gone bad already. Seriously, I’m afraid to open it and find out. Luckily for me, I cleaned out the fridge, more or less, about a month ago. It’s a good thing too, some of the stuff I had in there was look really, really nasty. It wasn’t exactly what I’d call edible. And of course, the fridge is devoid of any fruits of vegetables whatsoever. This isn’t because I don’t like eating my veggies, it’s that I just don’t trust vegetarians.
I’m pretty sure I’ve spawned new forms of life in the back of my food cooling unit, but I had to throw those in the dumpster. That may sound cruel to you lovers of prokaryotes out there, but let me assure you, I’m only insuring that the fittest forms of mold and bacterial life are allowed to thrive on this planet. And yes, this is important. I know some of you think that mold growing on food is icky and yucky. Well, that may be, but just remember that penicillin is a form of mold. And it was the discovery of penicillin that helped the Allies win World War II. Too bad fungus can’t be awarded the Medal of Honor. So just remember, the next time you take an antibiotic, you’re ingesting good old fashioned mold. Yummy.
So now you know the conundrum that I’m in. I have no food in storage at my house, so if I’m hungry, I have to go elsewhere to get it. Of course, I could go grocery shopping. But that would take valuable time and effort. And of course, I only think to go grocery shopping when I’m hungry. So why would I want to wait to buy food, then take all that time to cook it up when I can go and get something already prepared and ready for me to eat right now? This is why lately I have ended up at Wendy’s drive through window. What can I say? I’m a sucker for the 99 cent menu.
I have to say though, I have been doing one thing lately that is very healthy. I’ve been drinking plenty of water. In fact, it’s about the only thing I drink these days. Occasionally I’ll have some juice or Gatorade (or milk if it hasn’t turned into cottage cheese yet), but the vast majority of the time, its water. The benefits of this are twofold: One, water is cheap, so I don’t waste money on soda’s like I used to. And two, I’m not drinking down empty calories and needless amounts of sugar. I also don’t drink near the amount of caffeine that I used to. Which means now, if I have a Cherry Coke any time after 2pm, it’ll keep me awake pretty much all night.
How healthy can a substance be if it keeps me awake until four in the morning? Well, caffeine is a natural product that is found in over 60 varieties of plants. So it won’t cause you to go blind or deaf like NutraSweet might. The downside is that caffeine acts as a natural pesticide that paralyzes and kills certain insects that feed on these plants. Congratulations! You’re drinking pesticide. Isn’t that just super?
Although caffeine is relatively safe for humans (apparently we can metabolize the compound rather efficiently compared to insects), there are still some unwanted side effects. Prolonged use of caffeine can lead to irritability, anxiety, insomnia, and hyperreflexia (yeah, I have no idea what that is either). Caffeine can also increase the amount of acid in the stomach and therefore can cause peptic ulcers. So yeah, large amounts of naturally occurring pesticide are harmful to you. I’m glad we were able to figure that one out.
Just remember what you read here the next time you down a Red Bull or Mountain Dew. I may be surviving off of Wendy’s Super Value Menu, but at least I don’t have over-caffeinated symptoms. Well, ok, I might be just a slight bit irritable. But that is only because I find about 90% of humanity to be extremely annoying or incredibly ignorant. And ignorant people are annoying. So just remember, if I seem irritable, it’s not because I just chugged an entire two liter bottle of Live Wire Mountain Dew, it’s because you’re an idiot.
But you’ll have to excuse me, I’m getting awfully hungry just sitting here. I think it’s time to go out and pick up some food. Don’t you worry about me though. Even if I succumb to the siren’s song that is the fast food industry, I will still be able to live a healthy life. I plan on working off all of those calories that I consume today. I’m playing football later tonight. No, not the football with the running and the passing and the tackling. I’m talking about video game college football. There’s nothing like laying back in a recliner and playing some good old fashioned hard hitting All American football. Hey, my thumbs can burn off all the calories I need. Honestly, running outdoors is totally overrated.
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