Quench My Thirst with Gasoline

Has anyone tried to fill up their gas tank recently? If you have, then you know that gas prices are getting out of control. I understood when prices went through to roof after hurricane Katrina. And I understood what happened to gas prices when the war in Iraq started. But what I don’t understand, now that we’ve fixed the pipelines that were damaged during Katrina and have been in Iraq for several years, is how the gas prices have gone to all new highs. But fear not, I have a solution. We can all conserve energy if we travel by rickshaw. You don’t have to worry about gas prices and you get a workout. It’s a win-win situation.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, traveling by rickshaw is going to become common practice in America soon. The way gas prices keep going up, we’re not going to be able to afford taxi cabs anymore. If memory serves, I was paying half as much to fill up my gas tank only five years ago. This is a problem that is going to get worse before it gets better. So we have to act fast if we’re going to combat this oil situation.

I think the first thing we need to do is to make hummers illegal. Seriously, what’s the point in owning a hummer? Civilian models have very little in common with the military grade Humvee. The military Humvee has a lower center of gravity and has far superior off-road capabilities. And I just don’t see the point in buying a civilian hummer when you can’t connect a .50 caliber machine gun on the top. A .50 caliber commands the fear and respect you deserve in the neighborhood. But since the civilian model doesn’t drive fear into anyone’s heart, I think we should make it illegal.

The second thing we need to do is to send flowers to all the countries in OPEC. I know sending some expensive flowers to a girl after you’ve screwed up goes a long way towards saying “I’m sorry.” It shows that you really mean it. We have obviously done something to upset the countries of OPEC and I think it’s time we make amends. So if we just send a bouquet of flowers to each country with a card that says “We’re sorry. We really, really mean it this time,” I think we will see more affordable gas prices in a few months.

The last thing that needs to be done is to invent better technology. I think you all know what I’m talking about. It’s the year 2006! Where’s our flying cars? Seriously, we were promised flying cars in the new millennium. Every sci-fi movie from the 80’s said so. And here it is, six years AFTER the millennium, and we don’t have a single flying car. I think the scientific community needs to get off their butts and start inventing some of them already. I’m not entirely sure how this will help us with over-priced petroleum, but I want my flying car, darn it!

But until we get our flying cars, we’ll have to travel by rickshaw. I realize this is a step backwards in scientific evolution, but a necessary one. This is not only for energy conservation, but for health reasons too.

Obesity is a huge problem in America (excuse my pun). Children these days are growing up indoors. They’re too busy playing X-box and watching their 300 channels of digital cable and Tivo. Now, I want everyone to know, I have nothing against videogames or the television industry. As for Tivo: I refuse to pay a monthly fee for a service that is easily handled by a 15 year old VCR. I do have something against parents who watch their kids get increasingly unhealthy and do nothing about it.

Kids need to get out and get some exercise. I’m a huge proponent of team sports. Not only will it give your children the exercise they need for a healthy lifestyle, it also will teach them harsh lessons about life. Those that are good will excel. Those that don’t do well will be teased, bullied and generally beaten up. Kids need to get exposed to this behavior early on because it will continue throughout their lives. Corporate America loves winners. Those who under perform in the workplace will be teased, laughed at and have their stapler stolen. At least this is what I learned from the movie Office Space.

The bottom line is that kids aren’t getting enough exercise and they’re not eating healthy. People need to quit sending their kids to McDonalds and Pizza Hut and start feeding them some healthy, well rounded meals. You have to force your kids to eat their vegetables. And no, french-fries are not considered a good vegetable dish. In fact, avoid anything fried altogether. The way I see it, the worse tasting a food is, the healthier it is. So give your children the worst tasting food they’ve ever had to endure. Why? Because that’s what your parents did to you when you were a kid, and now it’s your chance to punish your kids with absolute cruelty. Um… I mean… it’s for their own good. That’s what I meant. Solving the childhood obesity problem is easy. It’s the oil problem that’s going to be difficult.

In reality folks, it IS the year 2006. We have put a man on the moon, learned how to clone sheep, made Anna Nicole Smith a pinup – then a fat talk show host – and then a pinup again, and have made porn free to everyone via the internet. The things we have accomplished are amazing. I know if we just put our minds and effort behind it, we can solve the petroleum problem. It’s either that, or we all go out and buy a rickshaw.

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