A friend of mine was looking to get rid of her futon. Apparently she didn’t want it taking up any more space in her apartment. I can understand that, free space can be at a premium these days. So last week I swung by her place and took the futon off her hands. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s taking other people’s furniture. Heck, I’m pretty sure 80% of the fixtures in my apartment were bought by someone other than me. I guess my apartment is a retirement home for old furniture. Which is cool, since spending money on new furnishings cuts into my video game budget.
So, last Wednesday, I was at a friend’s apartment, taking apart her futon. Now, just to set the record straight, being “mechanical” is usually the sort thing that my older brother or my father does. I didn’t quite inherit the family grease monkey genes. But that’s ok with me. I am quite proficient with other things, like, um… being creative. Seriously, you should see what I’m capable of doing with a can of whipped cream and some chocolate syrup. Hey, whipped cream and chocolate syrup make everything better. And I do mean everything.
Getting back to last Wednesday. Now I know enough about wrenches and screws and whatnot that I can take care of most of my mechanical needs. Which is a good thing. Manly men are supposed to know how to fix things. Though for the record, I much prefer to break things, it is ever so gratifying. So, taking apart that futon to make it easier to transport was no problem. It only took a few minutes for me to take the back off of it and it was ready for the short car ride to my place.
There is an advantage to driving a twelve year old man wagon (nicknamed the m’agon for short). With the rear seats folded down, I can fit all kinds of things in my car. In fact, I’ve been able to haul more furniture around than most SUVs. And on top of that, I get way better gas mileage. Needless to say, I don’t think I’m going to be buying an H2 any time soon.
My friend was worried about me since I’d have to carry all three pieces of the slightly disassembled futon into my apartment by myself (the main assembly, the removed back, and the futon pad). I told her not to worry because I’m a guy, and carrying heavy things is what guys do. In fact, I’d probably carry any number of outrageously heavy objects up numerous flights of stairs just to prove my manliness. I’m just vain like that. Heck, I still remember dragging the box spring to my bed up the two flights of stairs by myself to my apartment at two in the morning. Oh yeah, those were good times.
Needless to say, I got the new futon up into my apartment with little fanfare. It took three trips, but I handled it without any worries whatsoever. I’m just that good. Of course, after getting it into the apartment it just sort of sat there, in pieces, in the middle of my living room. And being the amazingly productive guy I am, it stayed there for most the rest of the day. You’d be surprised at how easy it is for me to continually climb over random clutter when the alternative requires extra work on my part.
Now, you might be wondering why I went through the trouble of acquiring a new futon, when I already have one. See, a few months back, I threw away a somewhat comfy sofa that reeked of feline monstrosities. The aging couch was my old roommate’s, and for some reason, he kept a cat as a pet. I’m not exactly a fan of beasts. I wouldn’t mind lighting every cat I come across on fire and throwing it into a ceiling fan, but that’s just me. I couldn’t very well keep a stinking sofa in my apartment, not if I want to occasionally bring over lady friends to entertain. I did have one lovely young lady who couldn’t sit on the sofa because it triggered her allergy to cats. That’s a good enough reason for me to dump it, so I did.
After dumping the old sofa, I moved my futon from its usual place in my bedroom into the living room to take the spot of the premier furniture piece. So now there’s a big empty space on the wall in my room, which is cool. It makes the bedroom seem much bigger now. I hadn’t really thought about what to do with that new free space just yet. Do you think eight feet by two is enough room to put in a microbrewery? Just asking… for no reason whatsoever.
So, I have this space in my bedroom that I figured I was going to put the new futon in. Then, an idea hit me. Why have two perfectly good futons, when I can combine them together to make one super-ultra futon? It’s like Voltron, the more you hook up, the better it gets. And I think it goes without saying, I learned most of my life lessons from the cartoons I watched growing up in the eighties.
So far, I’ve only piled up the two mattresses on my futon in the living room. And you know what? It rocks! It’s the most comfortable futon I’ve ever had the pleasure of resting my posterior on. I was worried that the top mattress would slip and slide off of the futon, but it has not; they’re both staying perfectly in place. So far, so good. But I think I can do more. I continued to disassemble the newly acquired futon frame into smaller pieces which are simply lying against my bedroom wall. And now I don’t know what to do with them.
I need to figure out how I can fuse the two metal frames of the futons into one super structure. We all know I’m not the naturally gifted mechanical type, so I’m at a bit of a loss here. If my older brother was here, we could combine his mechanical abilities with my creativity and produce something quite monstrous, I’m sure. But seeing as he lives in Indiana and the fact that we’ve never really worked well together on projects, I’ll just have to go it alone. I’m sure that I’ll come up with something eventually. I may not be able to turn my futon into a giant robotic tiger, but maybe, just maybe, I can give it a glowing energy sword with which to smite its foes. And I can call it “Fultron, Defender of the Universe.” Or maybe a bit more accurate: “Fultron, Defender of My Ass.” Or I could possibly come up with something that’s slightly less nerdy. I’ll keep you up to date on that.
For now, however, I’ll have to be content with having an overstuffed and rather comfortable futon to sit on while I watch football on the weekends. And well, I think I’m ok with that. There is nothing more important than being relaxed while watching UNC beat Miami in Chapel Hill. I’m still upset I didn’t buy tickets to that game and ended up watching it from home. Oh well, maybe next time. At least the Tar Heels are doing better than NC State. And you know what? That’s all I could ask for.
Oh, and Brian Griese, if you keeping winning games for the Chicago Bears, I can overlook the fact that you took Rex Grossman’s starting position. I may be Rex’s biggest fan, but let’s face it, I desperately want the Bears to win. And if Lovie Smith says Griese is the guy to do it, then Griese is the guy. DAAA BEARS!
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Philanthropic Mansion
Am I ever going to grow up? Probably not, if I can help it. I mean, who really wants to be an adult? Now, I’m sure there are plenty of bonuses like paying bills, raising kids, paying taxes, and that whole chained to a rock in a solitary prison cell lock-down that they call marriage. Oh yeah, that all sounds like fun and games, but you know, there’s also that whole responsibility thing. And I’ve never been a huge fan of responsibility.
Then again, there are certain parts about adulthood that I can actually look forward to. Yet, they are the things that I don’t currently have. A brand new Lexus would be nice. All adults are entitled to one of those, are they not? There’s also the right to stay up all night playing Metroid Prime 3 (which I still haven’t gotten around to buying just yet). But foremost among those rights of adult-ness is living on your own.
At present, I have been without a roommate for over a year and a half. And let me tell you, it feels awesome. Not that I don’t miss the old roomie, I do, he was a cool guy. There’s just a lot more freedom about living by oneself, if you know what I’m getting at. If you don’t, let me spell it out for you. When you have a roommate, it’s damn near impossible to lounge on the sofa in your underwear, eat Cheetos off your chest, and play Super Mario World. Not that I’ve tried or anything. And if my Super Nintendo controllers have an orange cheese residue on them, well, that’s entirely coincidental.
The continuing problem I’m finding with my current living arrangement is not the fact that I live alone, it’s that my apartment could use a little more class to it. Oh sure, the balcony is nice, it really is, and it gives me a good place to air out my hockey gear so it doesn’t obtain the reek of twelve separate gym lockers. But there are people that live all around me and the walls aren’t exactly soundproof. And really, that’s the only thing that’s keeping me from inviting Hugh Hefner over for a glass of warm cognac and a fine Cuban cigar. If I lived in a house, I’d totally be surrounded by Playboy Playmates every weekend. Totally.
Sadly, I don’t live in a house. And there are many reasons why having a house would be monumentally beneficial for me. For one, I like to throw parties. What can I say? I love entertaining guests. And it’s far too difficult to cut loose and have a good time when you know the ease to which it will annoy your neighbors. I have been known to throw a pretty memorable bash, if I can say so myself. I’d like to do so again, but I’m in need of better environs.
Keeping that in mind, I ran across this nifty little program on the World Wide Web. It’s amazing the things you can find on that there internets. The program has you answer a few simple questions, and after you’re done, it will “build” your dream home. Now, it’s not a complete, full detail model, but it’s a fairly engaging exercise. And personally, I found my dream house to be highly indicative of my wants and desires. Feel free to click here to take a gander at it.
The text describing my Philanthropic Mansion begins by stating that I have “people” to take care of my kitchen needs for me. Honestly, that sounds awesome. I may be no stranger to wrestling with the arcane arts needed to master the oven and microwave, but let’s face it, I’m lazy. I’d much rather have some one else do the cooking for me. And for the record, I hope these “people” that tend to my culinary needs are women, because, well, the kitchen is where women belong.
Apparently my dream home has a pantry that is loaded with enough alcohol to last through another prohibition. And to be fatally serious here, that’s something I actually have thought about before. I mean, what if the entire state of North Carolina goes dry? I would but up the proverbial creek without any booze. And that frightens me. It frightens me like a fourteen year old school girl watching The Exorcist for the first time. On a much more rational note, you can’t buy alcohol in North Carolina on Sundays until after 12pm. Additionally, the ABC Stores (only places where you can buy liquor) are closed all day on Sundays. So a guy like me has needs of a full pantry of beer, wine, and whiskey to keep the alcohol gods well venerated on Sundays until after the noon is eclipsed. So it’s nice to see my dream home has me covered there.
It would be nice to have that study stocked with hardback editions of all the classic novels. Believe it or not, I’m a huge fan of literature. I mean, I do harbor dreams of becoming a professional novelist someday. I enjoy such ancient classics as the Odyssey and the Aeneid as well as much more contemporary classics including Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and Breakfast of Champions. I’ve also been known to enjoy selected works from Shakespeare. Oh, go ahead and laugh at me if you want. It’s ok, I’m used to it, I am a Rex Grossman fan, remember? And also for the record, I’ve actually read Rich Dad, Poor Dad. It’s good stuff.
Now, if I can draw your attention to the piece of the blueprint provided by the website, please. Most importantly, I’d like to note the garage measured in light seconds (which I’m scientifically aware enough to know is a measure of distance, not time). As fate would have it, the garage is big enough to fit a full sized X-Wing fighter. Now, if only it was possible to find a working model to park in there…
The home theater with stadium seating (located in the bottom right corner) is a must. In fact, I wouldn’t be much of a manly man without out it. There’s nothing like watching a football game in high definition on a television screen bigger than most stadiums’ jumbotrons. Although I’m not sure I’d need a completely separate room (on the top right) to dedicate to my many sports accomplishments. But then again, who doesn’t like trophies? I mean, they’re just so shiny.
The Grand Ballroom is a nice touch. Though I have to admit, I’d need to install a fully stocked bar in the back, loaded with a full sized keg fridge and several high quality beers on tap. That way I could entertain all my friends properly. Oh, I’m sure that it might take up room that most people would have reserved for dancing, but well, I’ve never been that big on dancing. But if my guests intend to do the dancing thing, well it’s a Grand Ballroom, I’m sure there is more than enough space for them to do so. Oh, and the wall for wallflowers is a must, because, well, I’m pretty sure that’s where your supposed to put them.
So that’s my dream home. Whenever I get around to building it, I’ll be sure to let Hugh Hefner and his numerous lady friends know, so they can swing by and visit. But until then, I’ll still be here, in my one bedroom apartment, hanging out with girls who aren’t quite Playboy Playmates. I know, it’s a sad life I live. But worry for me not, I will persevere and one day, I will have the home to fulfill all my dreams.
Then again, there are certain parts about adulthood that I can actually look forward to. Yet, they are the things that I don’t currently have. A brand new Lexus would be nice. All adults are entitled to one of those, are they not? There’s also the right to stay up all night playing Metroid Prime 3 (which I still haven’t gotten around to buying just yet). But foremost among those rights of adult-ness is living on your own.
At present, I have been without a roommate for over a year and a half. And let me tell you, it feels awesome. Not that I don’t miss the old roomie, I do, he was a cool guy. There’s just a lot more freedom about living by oneself, if you know what I’m getting at. If you don’t, let me spell it out for you. When you have a roommate, it’s damn near impossible to lounge on the sofa in your underwear, eat Cheetos off your chest, and play Super Mario World. Not that I’ve tried or anything. And if my Super Nintendo controllers have an orange cheese residue on them, well, that’s entirely coincidental.
The continuing problem I’m finding with my current living arrangement is not the fact that I live alone, it’s that my apartment could use a little more class to it. Oh sure, the balcony is nice, it really is, and it gives me a good place to air out my hockey gear so it doesn’t obtain the reek of twelve separate gym lockers. But there are people that live all around me and the walls aren’t exactly soundproof. And really, that’s the only thing that’s keeping me from inviting Hugh Hefner over for a glass of warm cognac and a fine Cuban cigar. If I lived in a house, I’d totally be surrounded by Playboy Playmates every weekend. Totally.
Sadly, I don’t live in a house. And there are many reasons why having a house would be monumentally beneficial for me. For one, I like to throw parties. What can I say? I love entertaining guests. And it’s far too difficult to cut loose and have a good time when you know the ease to which it will annoy your neighbors. I have been known to throw a pretty memorable bash, if I can say so myself. I’d like to do so again, but I’m in need of better environs.
Keeping that in mind, I ran across this nifty little program on the World Wide Web. It’s amazing the things you can find on that there internets. The program has you answer a few simple questions, and after you’re done, it will “build” your dream home. Now, it’s not a complete, full detail model, but it’s a fairly engaging exercise. And personally, I found my dream house to be highly indicative of my wants and desires. Feel free to click here to take a gander at it.
The text describing my Philanthropic Mansion begins by stating that I have “people” to take care of my kitchen needs for me. Honestly, that sounds awesome. I may be no stranger to wrestling with the arcane arts needed to master the oven and microwave, but let’s face it, I’m lazy. I’d much rather have some one else do the cooking for me. And for the record, I hope these “people” that tend to my culinary needs are women, because, well, the kitchen is where women belong.
Apparently my dream home has a pantry that is loaded with enough alcohol to last through another prohibition. And to be fatally serious here, that’s something I actually have thought about before. I mean, what if the entire state of North Carolina goes dry? I would but up the proverbial creek without any booze. And that frightens me. It frightens me like a fourteen year old school girl watching The Exorcist for the first time. On a much more rational note, you can’t buy alcohol in North Carolina on Sundays until after 12pm. Additionally, the ABC Stores (only places where you can buy liquor) are closed all day on Sundays. So a guy like me has needs of a full pantry of beer, wine, and whiskey to keep the alcohol gods well venerated on Sundays until after the noon is eclipsed. So it’s nice to see my dream home has me covered there.
It would be nice to have that study stocked with hardback editions of all the classic novels. Believe it or not, I’m a huge fan of literature. I mean, I do harbor dreams of becoming a professional novelist someday. I enjoy such ancient classics as the Odyssey and the Aeneid as well as much more contemporary classics including Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and Breakfast of Champions. I’ve also been known to enjoy selected works from Shakespeare. Oh, go ahead and laugh at me if you want. It’s ok, I’m used to it, I am a Rex Grossman fan, remember? And also for the record, I’ve actually read Rich Dad, Poor Dad. It’s good stuff.
Now, if I can draw your attention to the piece of the blueprint provided by the website, please. Most importantly, I’d like to note the garage measured in light seconds (which I’m scientifically aware enough to know is a measure of distance, not time). As fate would have it, the garage is big enough to fit a full sized X-Wing fighter. Now, if only it was possible to find a working model to park in there…
The home theater with stadium seating (located in the bottom right corner) is a must. In fact, I wouldn’t be much of a manly man without out it. There’s nothing like watching a football game in high definition on a television screen bigger than most stadiums’ jumbotrons. Although I’m not sure I’d need a completely separate room (on the top right) to dedicate to my many sports accomplishments. But then again, who doesn’t like trophies? I mean, they’re just so shiny.
The Grand Ballroom is a nice touch. Though I have to admit, I’d need to install a fully stocked bar in the back, loaded with a full sized keg fridge and several high quality beers on tap. That way I could entertain all my friends properly. Oh, I’m sure that it might take up room that most people would have reserved for dancing, but well, I’ve never been that big on dancing. But if my guests intend to do the dancing thing, well it’s a Grand Ballroom, I’m sure there is more than enough space for them to do so. Oh, and the wall for wallflowers is a must, because, well, I’m pretty sure that’s where your supposed to put them.
So that’s my dream home. Whenever I get around to building it, I’ll be sure to let Hugh Hefner and his numerous lady friends know, so they can swing by and visit. But until then, I’ll still be here, in my one bedroom apartment, hanging out with girls who aren’t quite Playboy Playmates. I know, it’s a sad life I live. But worry for me not, I will persevere and one day, I will have the home to fulfill all my dreams.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Bye, Bye Mr. Grossman
According to the Chicago Suns-Time (and other media sources), Brian Griese will be starting for the Chicago Bears when they play the Detroit Lions on Sunday. This means that my personal hero, and favorite NFL player, Rex Grossman, will be sitting on the sidelines for the game. To say that I’m sad is a gross understatement.
Call me an idiot, call me brain-dead and bone-headed and whatever else you will. I don’t care. If I feel like having a two-bit quarterback as my personal hero, then I’m completely entitled to it. You also entitled to laugh at me now. Don’t worry, I’m used to it. I’ve been a Chicago Blackhawks fan all my life. As a side note, Chris Chelios, a former Blackhawks defenseman, is my favorite player in the NHL and will begin this season at age 45 playing for Detroit. He’s only six years younger than my dad, and he’s playing professional hockey for one of the best teams in the nation. My father, on the other hand, has never played any sports professionally. He’s just a slacker like that.
I understand why Mr. Grossman is getting sidelined this week. And honestly, it’s probably the right thing to do. When it comes right down to it, I trust Lovie Smith. He’s brought the Bears back to glory, and when it comes to coaching in the National Football League, that man knows what he’s doing. With Chicago’s offense seriously lacking the past three weeks, the coaching staff needs to do something to shake things up and get some production on the field.
If they want my advice (and I’m guessing that they don’t, seeing as how I’ve never played a competitive game of football in my life), they should try to quit turning the ball over. Ten turnovers in three games isn’t something you want to be proud of. I’m not entirely convinced changing quarterbacks will reverse this negative trend, but it’s certainly better than waiting for the tooth fairy to fix things up for them. Because, seriously, that is just not going to happen. For the record, I am not a fan of the tooth fairy. That conniving chimerical woman owes me $1.25 in lost baby teeth. And that doesn’t include fifteen years in compound interest (hey, I was a business major in college, I know all about the powers of compound interest, and I keep track). I’ll probably have to check with my accountant to see where we are on that total these days.
If there’s one thing that’ll cure Chicago’s offensive woes, it’s playing the Detroit Lions. Hey it worked for Donovan McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles. McNabb threw for 381 yards and four touchdowns this past Sunday against the Lions. This is after having only one touchdown and one interception the past two games combined. It could be that Philadelphia is just starting to play up to their level or it could be that the Lions signed an entire high school girls cheerleading squad to play defense for them. I’m not entirely sure of that just yet. Or, who knows, it could even be their throwback uniforms granting the Eagles' recent success. You know what I'm talking about, those colorful things they were wearing on Sunday.
Ok, I need to get this off my chest. What the hell? I mean seriously, what the hell? Yes, those throwbacks were bright, and yes they were different. Kudos for that. But what acid tripping hippy in the Philadelphia Eagles organization thought that those uniforms were a good idea? (And I mean no offense to any acid tripping hippies out there, you shouldn’t be blamed for the Eagles psychedelic schemed regalia.) It reminds me, not so fondly, of the NHL’s Vancouver Canucks hockey stick jerseys from last year.
Let me give my advice now to general managers, owners, and anyone else making dressing decisions for their respective teams throughout the pantheon of sports (and I hope for this is a bit of advice that someone is actually listening to). Think before you act. No seriously, you really need to use that brain of yours for some significant intellectualism here. Before you make a decision to blow a bunch of money on new uniforms (and piss off half your fan base, and make a fool out of your team on national televisions) just ask yourself these simple questions:
1. Have I ingested any mind-altering, psychotropic drugs in the past 24 hours?
2. Did I take more than three shots of tequila during lunch?
3. Am I currently going through a rough breakup/divorce or am I suffering from a midlife crisis?
4. Do I drive a Mazda Miata?
5. Would I prefer to date a girl with a great personality over a much more attractive girl with huge cans?
6. Am I a New York Yankees fan even though I’ve never even been to the city of New York?
If you’ve answered yes to any of those questions, then chances are that you are currently incapable of making a rational, informed decision. And by all rights, at that point, you need to quit making any decisions whatsoever. Period. Instead, just walk into the nearest bar, hold up an example of the new uniforms, and ask the patrons if they think it’s ok for their local team to sport the fresh look. If you escape from the bar without being drenched in cheap beer and whiskey, then that’s a clear “go ahead” for the new jerseys. If you end up in a hospital with a severe concussion and several broken bones, you might want to rethink your latest apparel strategy.
I want the record to state, that even if a sports manager (or anyone else for that matter) ends up in the hospital or suffers any undue injuries while adhering to my advice, I’m not responsible. It is totally, completely, and irrevocably not my fault if you wish to bring back a crappy throw-back or build a new, horrendous, repulsive color scheme and/or logo. Also, managers across the sports spectrum need to be held accountable for their poor decisions when it comes to team apparel. Big time managers at professional clubhouses get paid millions of dollars, certainly they should have the wherewithal to know what doesn’t look good on their players. And if not, pay a fashion expert. I’m pretty sure you can afford it.
And I want one more thing on the record: If you drive a Mazda Miata, and you are not currently a 16 year old high school female (preferably with blonde hair), then I am not responsible for any decisions you make. It’s clear that are not mentally fit to make your own choices. And I mean no offense to Mazda or it's parent corporations.
And now I’m left with just one lingering thought. What are the chances that Green Bay will trade Brett Favre to the Chicago Bears for the rest of the season? I mean, it will give Chicago a standout quarterback, and Brett has a legitimate shot at another Super Bowl ring. It’s win-win as far as I can tell. Hey, if the chances are anywhere above 0.00%, then you can count me as one excited and insanely hopeful fanboy just eagerly waiting for February 3.
P.S. Rex Grossman is still my hero.
Call me an idiot, call me brain-dead and bone-headed and whatever else you will. I don’t care. If I feel like having a two-bit quarterback as my personal hero, then I’m completely entitled to it. You also entitled to laugh at me now. Don’t worry, I’m used to it. I’ve been a Chicago Blackhawks fan all my life. As a side note, Chris Chelios, a former Blackhawks defenseman, is my favorite player in the NHL and will begin this season at age 45 playing for Detroit. He’s only six years younger than my dad, and he’s playing professional hockey for one of the best teams in the nation. My father, on the other hand, has never played any sports professionally. He’s just a slacker like that.
I understand why Mr. Grossman is getting sidelined this week. And honestly, it’s probably the right thing to do. When it comes right down to it, I trust Lovie Smith. He’s brought the Bears back to glory, and when it comes to coaching in the National Football League, that man knows what he’s doing. With Chicago’s offense seriously lacking the past three weeks, the coaching staff needs to do something to shake things up and get some production on the field.
If they want my advice (and I’m guessing that they don’t, seeing as how I’ve never played a competitive game of football in my life), they should try to quit turning the ball over. Ten turnovers in three games isn’t something you want to be proud of. I’m not entirely convinced changing quarterbacks will reverse this negative trend, but it’s certainly better than waiting for the tooth fairy to fix things up for them. Because, seriously, that is just not going to happen. For the record, I am not a fan of the tooth fairy. That conniving chimerical woman owes me $1.25 in lost baby teeth. And that doesn’t include fifteen years in compound interest (hey, I was a business major in college, I know all about the powers of compound interest, and I keep track). I’ll probably have to check with my accountant to see where we are on that total these days.
If there’s one thing that’ll cure Chicago’s offensive woes, it’s playing the Detroit Lions. Hey it worked for Donovan McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles. McNabb threw for 381 yards and four touchdowns this past Sunday against the Lions. This is after having only one touchdown and one interception the past two games combined. It could be that Philadelphia is just starting to play up to their level or it could be that the Lions signed an entire high school girls cheerleading squad to play defense for them. I’m not entirely sure of that just yet. Or, who knows, it could even be their throwback uniforms granting the Eagles' recent success. You know what I'm talking about, those colorful things they were wearing on Sunday.
Ok, I need to get this off my chest. What the hell? I mean seriously, what the hell? Yes, those throwbacks were bright, and yes they were different. Kudos for that. But what acid tripping hippy in the Philadelphia Eagles organization thought that those uniforms were a good idea? (And I mean no offense to any acid tripping hippies out there, you shouldn’t be blamed for the Eagles psychedelic schemed regalia.) It reminds me, not so fondly, of the NHL’s Vancouver Canucks hockey stick jerseys from last year.
Let me give my advice now to general managers, owners, and anyone else making dressing decisions for their respective teams throughout the pantheon of sports (and I hope for this is a bit of advice that someone is actually listening to). Think before you act. No seriously, you really need to use that brain of yours for some significant intellectualism here. Before you make a decision to blow a bunch of money on new uniforms (and piss off half your fan base, and make a fool out of your team on national televisions) just ask yourself these simple questions:
1. Have I ingested any mind-altering, psychotropic drugs in the past 24 hours?
2. Did I take more than three shots of tequila during lunch?
3. Am I currently going through a rough breakup/divorce or am I suffering from a midlife crisis?
4. Do I drive a Mazda Miata?
5. Would I prefer to date a girl with a great personality over a much more attractive girl with huge cans?
6. Am I a New York Yankees fan even though I’ve never even been to the city of New York?
If you’ve answered yes to any of those questions, then chances are that you are currently incapable of making a rational, informed decision. And by all rights, at that point, you need to quit making any decisions whatsoever. Period. Instead, just walk into the nearest bar, hold up an example of the new uniforms, and ask the patrons if they think it’s ok for their local team to sport the fresh look. If you escape from the bar without being drenched in cheap beer and whiskey, then that’s a clear “go ahead” for the new jerseys. If you end up in a hospital with a severe concussion and several broken bones, you might want to rethink your latest apparel strategy.
I want the record to state, that even if a sports manager (or anyone else for that matter) ends up in the hospital or suffers any undue injuries while adhering to my advice, I’m not responsible. It is totally, completely, and irrevocably not my fault if you wish to bring back a crappy throw-back or build a new, horrendous, repulsive color scheme and/or logo. Also, managers across the sports spectrum need to be held accountable for their poor decisions when it comes to team apparel. Big time managers at professional clubhouses get paid millions of dollars, certainly they should have the wherewithal to know what doesn’t look good on their players. And if not, pay a fashion expert. I’m pretty sure you can afford it.
And I want one more thing on the record: If you drive a Mazda Miata, and you are not currently a 16 year old high school female (preferably with blonde hair), then I am not responsible for any decisions you make. It’s clear that are not mentally fit to make your own choices. And I mean no offense to Mazda or it's parent corporations.
And now I’m left with just one lingering thought. What are the chances that Green Bay will trade Brett Favre to the Chicago Bears for the rest of the season? I mean, it will give Chicago a standout quarterback, and Brett has a legitimate shot at another Super Bowl ring. It’s win-win as far as I can tell. Hey, if the chances are anywhere above 0.00%, then you can count me as one excited and insanely hopeful fanboy just eagerly waiting for February 3.
P.S. Rex Grossman is still my hero.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
All That Glitters is Golden
I think its time we discussed the Golden Rule. Well, no not the “Do unto others…” golden rule. Now don’t get me wrong, that’s a very good rule, and there’s a lot you can learn from it. There are several corollaries that can be derived which I believe impact all our lives on a daily basis. In fact, that may be saved as a discussion for a later day. But today we have something much different and much more important to talk about.
Today we’re going to talk about the golden rule of dating. I’m sure each and every one of you has your own personal rules when it comes to finding your preferred significant other. And that’s okay. We’re all different people so we all approach the prospective mates differently. Nothing’s wrong with that. The Golden Rule, however, applies not to who you deem dateable, but rather, it describes the field you’re capable of selecting from. Let’s just get on with it, to avoid any further confusion.
The Golden Rule:
“You are only as good as your options.”
I think we all pretty much know that. You are only capable of dating people you know. Let’s just forget about the bar scene for just a minute. I know picking up girls in bars is perfectly acceptable and it happens every day. But for the vast majority of people, you tend to date someone you already are familiar with. Generally speaking, guys end up dating girls who are in their extended circle of friends.
Now that “extended circle” is made up of your current friends (people you hang out with socially on a daily or weekly basis), your coworkers, people who know your friends or coworkers, friends of your family members, people you see regularly in extracurricular activities (i.e. going to the gym, playing on a softball team, bowling, etc.), neighbors, and my all time favorite, your buddy’s girlfriend’s friends. So I know that’s a long list, and it’s not exhaustive in any sense, but I think it’s important that we define a few things to start off.
Now according to the Golden Rule, the chances are that you’re either currently dating, or in the future will date a girl from one of these groups. The point being, people tend to date those that they feel comfortable with. If you’ll bear with me, I’d like for you single guys to do a little exercise to help me illustrate the impact of this rule.
Make a list of all the girls you already know. Then cross out all the girls who currently have boyfriends. Next, cross out any girls you don’t have regular contact with. Then cross out all the girls who are unattainable and would never even bother giving you the time of day. Now cross out all the girls that you consider to be 100% completely un-dateable (girls who used to date your best friend, girls that are too young or too old, girls with crazy emotional problems, girls who like to kick puppies, etc.). Just remember that this characteristic varies widely from person to person. Finally you have your list of options. If it seems small and well, not exactly savory, don’t worry, we’re not done yet.
If you reverse the rule and look at things from a girl’s perspective (after all the Golden Rule applies to everyone equally) you can see that she will end up dating someone she already knows. From this we can derive a very important corollary.
Golden Rule Corollary One:
“Girls will date the best choice of their options.”
Technically speaking, girls will want to date the guy with the best overall package (looks, wealth, style, personality, etc). But girls don’t always get the guy they want, even some of the most attractive girls out there fail to get hit on by the guys they’re interested in. And remember, it’s the guys who have to make the first move, so girls are somewhat limited in their abilities to pick up guys. So naturally girls are stuck choosing from the list of guys who are hitting on them. And according to the corollary above, they’ll pick the guy they like best out of that list.
And herein lies your advantage. If you turn out to be one of the few guys a girl happens to know, you have the inside track. Girls tend to prefer being in relationships, and will generally date a guy, even if the guy isn’t what she considers top shelf. Using Corollary One, you have the opportunity to pick up a girl that would otherwise be unattainable. And let’s be honest here, all you care about is getting a hot chick. Women, well, they’re a little choosier, and that’s backed by scientific fact. Just read this article on CNN.com
So what happens if you can’t seem to get an attractive female, even using this corollary? Well, it is quite obvious then, that you’re options suck. And as stated by the Golden Rule itself, if your options suck, you suck. This leads us very nicely into our second corollary.
Golden Rule Corollary Two:
“You need better options.”
Now, I don’t care if you’re currently dating an insanely attractive girl who also happens to pull down six figures a year. I mean, great for you and all, but let’s be honest, you can never have too many options. You just never know when things are going to turn south. Sometimes things just go bad and the only remedy involves being in the arms of a gorgeous, nubile young woman. And even if you already have a few options worthy of note, well, it won’t hurt you to have a few more. Just trust me on this one.
So, Corollary Two states that you should always be willing to meet new people. It doesn’t even matter if you’re meeting new guys. I mean, guys have sisters, and cousins, and ex-girlfriends, and female friends, and even hot aunts. So don’t forget to be friendly to all people, male or female, beautiful or unsightly. Because, well, ugly chicks hang out with hot girls too. If you keep an open mind, you’ll find that there are many, many ways to meet potential mates.
Just remember, even if you’ve been feeling discouraged lately or down on your dateless luck, there’s always hope. Keep the Golden Rule in mind, and its corollaries and you’ve already got a good starting point. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and meet all the girls you can! I’m sure you’ll eventually find a girl desperate enough to consider dating you. In fact, I’m positive of it. Go get ‘em, tiger!
Today we’re going to talk about the golden rule of dating. I’m sure each and every one of you has your own personal rules when it comes to finding your preferred significant other. And that’s okay. We’re all different people so we all approach the prospective mates differently. Nothing’s wrong with that. The Golden Rule, however, applies not to who you deem dateable, but rather, it describes the field you’re capable of selecting from. Let’s just get on with it, to avoid any further confusion.
The Golden Rule:
“You are only as good as your options.”
I think we all pretty much know that. You are only capable of dating people you know. Let’s just forget about the bar scene for just a minute. I know picking up girls in bars is perfectly acceptable and it happens every day. But for the vast majority of people, you tend to date someone you already are familiar with. Generally speaking, guys end up dating girls who are in their extended circle of friends.
Now that “extended circle” is made up of your current friends (people you hang out with socially on a daily or weekly basis), your coworkers, people who know your friends or coworkers, friends of your family members, people you see regularly in extracurricular activities (i.e. going to the gym, playing on a softball team, bowling, etc.), neighbors, and my all time favorite, your buddy’s girlfriend’s friends. So I know that’s a long list, and it’s not exhaustive in any sense, but I think it’s important that we define a few things to start off.
Now according to the Golden Rule, the chances are that you’re either currently dating, or in the future will date a girl from one of these groups. The point being, people tend to date those that they feel comfortable with. If you’ll bear with me, I’d like for you single guys to do a little exercise to help me illustrate the impact of this rule.
Make a list of all the girls you already know. Then cross out all the girls who currently have boyfriends. Next, cross out any girls you don’t have regular contact with. Then cross out all the girls who are unattainable and would never even bother giving you the time of day. Now cross out all the girls that you consider to be 100% completely un-dateable (girls who used to date your best friend, girls that are too young or too old, girls with crazy emotional problems, girls who like to kick puppies, etc.). Just remember that this characteristic varies widely from person to person. Finally you have your list of options. If it seems small and well, not exactly savory, don’t worry, we’re not done yet.
If you reverse the rule and look at things from a girl’s perspective (after all the Golden Rule applies to everyone equally) you can see that she will end up dating someone she already knows. From this we can derive a very important corollary.
Golden Rule Corollary One:
“Girls will date the best choice of their options.”
Technically speaking, girls will want to date the guy with the best overall package (looks, wealth, style, personality, etc). But girls don’t always get the guy they want, even some of the most attractive girls out there fail to get hit on by the guys they’re interested in. And remember, it’s the guys who have to make the first move, so girls are somewhat limited in their abilities to pick up guys. So naturally girls are stuck choosing from the list of guys who are hitting on them. And according to the corollary above, they’ll pick the guy they like best out of that list.
And herein lies your advantage. If you turn out to be one of the few guys a girl happens to know, you have the inside track. Girls tend to prefer being in relationships, and will generally date a guy, even if the guy isn’t what she considers top shelf. Using Corollary One, you have the opportunity to pick up a girl that would otherwise be unattainable. And let’s be honest here, all you care about is getting a hot chick. Women, well, they’re a little choosier, and that’s backed by scientific fact. Just read this article on CNN.com
So what happens if you can’t seem to get an attractive female, even using this corollary? Well, it is quite obvious then, that you’re options suck. And as stated by the Golden Rule itself, if your options suck, you suck. This leads us very nicely into our second corollary.
Golden Rule Corollary Two:
“You need better options.”
Now, I don’t care if you’re currently dating an insanely attractive girl who also happens to pull down six figures a year. I mean, great for you and all, but let’s be honest, you can never have too many options. You just never know when things are going to turn south. Sometimes things just go bad and the only remedy involves being in the arms of a gorgeous, nubile young woman. And even if you already have a few options worthy of note, well, it won’t hurt you to have a few more. Just trust me on this one.
So, Corollary Two states that you should always be willing to meet new people. It doesn’t even matter if you’re meeting new guys. I mean, guys have sisters, and cousins, and ex-girlfriends, and female friends, and even hot aunts. So don’t forget to be friendly to all people, male or female, beautiful or unsightly. Because, well, ugly chicks hang out with hot girls too. If you keep an open mind, you’ll find that there are many, many ways to meet potential mates.
Just remember, even if you’ve been feeling discouraged lately or down on your dateless luck, there’s always hope. Keep the Golden Rule in mind, and its corollaries and you’ve already got a good starting point. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and meet all the girls you can! I’m sure you’ll eventually find a girl desperate enough to consider dating you. In fact, I’m positive of it. Go get ‘em, tiger!
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