Well, the month of March has come and gone. Normally an overlooked month, the third full turn of the moon is ripe with plenty of reasons to get excited. St. Patrick’s Day and Steak and Blow-job Day are just two of the many reasons to love the month. But there is one event that engulfs men’s lives and turns them into crazed school children for far longer than their wives would appreciate. They call it the March Madness; the NCAA Basketball Tournament.
Sixty-five teams in four regions competed to get to Atlanta this year for the revered Final Four. For some, its more than a game, it’s almost a religion. This is especially true here in North Carolina, the college basketball capital of the world (hey if I say it’s the college b-ball capital, then it must be true). Not that any ACC teams actually made it to the Final Four this year. Which is honestly is a huge disappointment. Boasting more teams than any other conference in the nation at the big Dance, at a regal seven, the Atlantic Coast Conference was only able to get one team into the Sweet Sixteen.
First of all, what the hell? As good as the ACC is, how is it that only one team can win more than a single game in the Tournament? Duke, Virginia, Boston College, Maryland and Virginia Tech had good records coming into the postseason, but for some reason they all decided to suck it up at the one point of the year when winning actually means something. Oh, and while I have your attention, repeat after me: VER-GIN-YA Tech. That’s right, you’re supposed to say the whole thing (well, the whole name of the state at least). It’s not Vah Tech or V-Tech, it’s Virginia Tech. If you’re one of those douche bags who says Vah Tech, then you’re a loser and a dork… and a douche. And yes, I really did need to put the word “douche” in there twice. I’m just that emphatic about it.
Highlight of this year’s Tournament: watching Duke get knocked out in the first round by Virginia Commonwealth University. As an added bonus, I actually picked VCU to win that game. I’m so glad they didn’t disappoint. There are very few things in the world that delight me more than watching Duke lose. If I had to pick, would I rather have sex with a super model or watch UNC beat Duke in person at the Dean Smith Center? Well, you know, I’ve always said super models are overrated. And besides, this is basketball we’re talking about. Hey, there’s a reason Carolina’s Alma Mater includes shouting the words “GO TO HELL DUKE.”
For the record, I’m an alumnus of the University of North Carolina. I had the good fortune of spending my senior year watching the likes of Sean May, Rashad McCants, Raymond Felton, Jackie Manuel, and Jawad Williams win the National Championship. There are three things I can actually remember from my senior year in college, beating Illinois in the NCAA Final, my graduation ceremony, and beer, lot’s and lot’s of beer. There may have been some whiskey involved in there too somewhere. Honestly, I can’t remember. It’s all pretty hazy.
This year, however, UNC made it all the way to the top eight teams in the country before losing to Georgetown in overtime. Honestly, I wasn’t all that upset. I probably should have been, but I didn’t really expect our team to bring home the championship this year. I’ve been of the mind all year long that next season is when the boys in blue will win it all. Give those young kids another year to mature and they’re going to be phenomenal. Seriously, I’m going to be extremely upset with anything less than a National Championship next year.
Hopefully those talented youngsters won’t make a break for the NBA after only one year of college. I can’t understand why they’d want to do it. I mean, wouldn’t you prefer to stay in school and work on your game instead of going pro? Really, why would anyone jump into the professional league merely for a multi-million dollar contract? There are more important things in life than money. …wait, did I really just say that? I take that back, there is nothing more important than money. Money can buy you everything, including happiness. Or at the very least a happy ending.
I’m going to quit undercutting my own argument here and move on to something much more important. And that’s Florida and Ohio State. These schools met twice this year in National Championship games, once for football and once again for basketball. I would like to take the time right here to tell you just how incredibly unfair that is. Those schools are traditional football schools, and that’s all well and good. But you’re not allowed to be that good in basketball as well. It has to be one or the other, not both.
Now the reason I say it’s unfair is because my school, being a basketball school as you all well know, only managed to win three games this school year on the football field. So I think we can all agree that Florida cannot be number one in both sports. We can also agree that Ohio State cannot be number two in both as well. Actually, that’s kind of demeaning when you think about it. I mean, it is a real tour de force to be that good at both major college sports, but who really wants second place? Congratulations Ohio State, you’re the first loser in both football and basketball. No longer will you be known as the Buckeyes. Today I dub you, the Runner Ups. Your mascot can be Dan Marino, the NFL quarterback who broke almost every offensive passing record but never even made it to the Super Bowl. Yes you’re good, but at the end of the day, no one really cares.
Ok, aside from making fun of Ohio State (and I actually like the Buckeyes, seriously), there are far more pressing matters I must attend to. Namely, how am I going to stop Florida from their NCAA sports domination? And let’s not kid ourselves here, the University of Florida does have a stranglehold on collegiate sports. No one has ever won both championships in a single year, until this past Monday. So apparently, it’s up to me to break that hold. I mean, who else is going to stop them? Ohio State?
I have a plan, but it involves dark voodoo magics so sinister and twisted that most men would have their souls bleed out their eyes just from the mere mention of it. Not that I mind getting into such horrible atrocities, I’m very familiar with dark dealings of the soul. The downside is, and there’s always a downside, I’m going to need some help finding all the necessary ingredients. I have the need to sacrifice a goat, two llamas, a pig fetus, four chickens, and a Republican. It’s going to be hard to get a hold of all that. Have you seen the price on sacrificial llamas lately?
Hopefully, by this time next year I will have single handedly taken down the Florida Gators from their lofty perch. Though I can’t be certain. The gods of sport are often fickle creatures and are known to ignore the pleas and sacrifices of even the most stalwart fans. Truth be told, I’ll probably end up drinking too much beer, and in my oft alcohol induced haze forget all about my dark offerings, and end up throwing the llama meat on the grill. I hear it tastes good with barbeque sauce. And in the end, isn’t beer and barbeque what college sports is all about?
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