It’s Close to Midnight, and Something Evil’s Lurking in the Dark

Imagine this scenario, if you would:

You are alone in your home. It’s nighttime, the electricity has gone out, and the phone line is no longer working. You hear a low guttural moan from just outside your front door as a loud pounding sound resonates, as if someone or something was trying to force its way inside your home. What do you do?

If you’re like most Americans, you’d probably freak out. And that’s totally understandable. Some blood-crazed creature banging on your door in the middle of the night can be down right scary. But I’m here to tell you not to worry. That noise is merely the walking dead threatening to break down your door and rend your flesh to eat you alive.

Seriously, it could be worse. It could be Carrot Top going door to door trying to sell you sex toys. Or it could be Janet Reno demanding entrance because she’s convinced there’s a Cuban boy stuffed in your closet. Or it could be Gay Hitler. Honestly, a flesh eating zombie has to be the least of your worries.

Still, this is something you should probably be concerned about. Zombies are real, they are a serious threat, and if left unchecked, a zombie apocalypse may very well be in our near future. I would know. Hunting down and killing zombies is a bit of a hobby of mine.

Wait. Is that the right word? Kill? Zombies are already dead, so technically speaking, you can’t kill them again. De-zombify? De-animate? No, you can’t reverse the process, so those terms wouldn't be accurate. Slaughter? Butcher? Obliterate? No, I don’t see myself using those words in everyday conversation. End? Ok, I guess that’s as good as anything else.

Hunting down and ending zombies is a bit of a hobby of mine. In fact, I’ve been studying and developing fighting methods and battle strategies geared exclusively at dealing with zombies. This includes ballistic assaults as well as good ol’ fashioned melee combat abilities. I’ve even gone so far as to conceive a bare-fisted method for taking down zombies quickly and efficiently. My signature attack is a singular punch to the zombie’s head, which strikes with such ferocity that it liquefies the brains inside the fiendish creature’s skull. And if the bone making up the skull is decayed enough, the mash of brains can even be ejected out the other side of its head! Oh, it's more than satisfying, let me assure you.

Unfortunately, martial arts officials have refused to acknowledge my new fighting style, just because they’ve never seen it in action against a real live zombie. Coincidentally, the same move that will liquefy a zombie’s brains in one hit, won’t be nearly as lethal when preformed on a still living and breathing human. They even refuse to give my fighting style a proper name. I could call it, Fist of Zombie Ruin... or Punch of De-zombification… or maybe even, My Fist to Your Face Technique.

The naming thing is still a work in progress. Apparently I’m not very good with words. The important point to take away here, is that if all else fails, hand to hand combat can be an effective way to battle the walking dead.

Case in point: I once saw Chuck Norris round house kick a zombie in the face. The force of the kick knocked the zombie’s head off and caused it to fly backwards. It crashed into the head of another zombie, ending both instantly due to the sheer strength of the collision. In addition to that, the energy of the impact caused a localized shock wave, which, after erupting, created a vacuum within a twelve foot radius. The three additional zombies standing within that radius had their brains sucked out of the ears by that vacuum and collapsed on the ground, withering and clawing for several minutes before their brain activity and motor skills ceased functioning for good.

I’m not afraid to admit that I am not half as badass as Chuck Norris is.

Now I hope you’re smart enough to realize that fighting zombies with your bare hands is not advisable, even in the worst conditions. The more savvy readers out there have more than likely already purchased a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks, and are hopefully beginning to compile their own zombie survival supplies. The book does a much more thorough job than I ever could of cataloging all of the weapons you could possibly use to fight the walking dead.

One thing the Survival Guide lacks, however, is information on zombie repellent powder. I am currently developing and testing a nontoxic powder that when applied to a human in sufficient quantities will keep zombies at bay. Just like a bad cologne, it will keep other beings from wanting to touch you in any way. Now there are still a few kinks to be worked out before I’m ready to market this wonder product, but keep an eye out for it at your local sporting goods store.

Speaking of which, why don’t more sporting good stores and gun shops have a specific “zombie survival” section? I think they’re missing an incredible opportunity to target the niche part of the population that actively worries about zombie infestation. Putting all the necessary zombie survival supplies in one area would instantly increase sales, but it will also serve to help educate and inform the general populace on what are the best items to purchase for such an epidemic.

I think this needs to be remedied. In fact, I think we can go a step further… I hereby propose an entire product line designed specifically for avoiding, fighting, and surviving the worst case scenario of a zombie outbreak. Look for Z END gear, equipment, weapons, and survival supplies coming to a store near you. When you see the Z END logo, you know you’re getting high quality, weapons grade materiel. You know that I am serious and very committed to providing my customers with the most outstanding, the longest lasting, and the most efficient zombie destroying goods known to man. That is my pledge to you.

“Survive the zombie apocalypse. Survive until the end. Z END.”

You know. I might want to hire a marketing firm to help me with that. Once I finalize and patent my zombie repellent powder, I’ll focus on building Z END into the power brand that I know it can be. I mean, who wouldn’t want a Z END anti-zombie pistol? Or a Z END Shaolin Spade? Or even some Z END zombie-proof dehydrated rations? The possibilities are limitless.

So just remember: the next time you hear the sound of the relentless undead banging on your door, you have nothing to fear! Just strap on your Z END combat knife, grab your Z END survival bag (with Z END sleep bag, Z END flashlight, Z END map and compass set, and Z END toothbrush) and get ready to hit the road towards your mountain retreat/safe house. Yes, you can survive the zombie menace, but only with Z END!

Z END official logo.